Red Flags in Marriage Part 2 | TBN

Red Flags in Marriage Part 2

Watch Red Flags in Marriage Part 2
June 25, 2019
27:32

Victory with Paul Daugherty

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Red Flags in Marriage Part 2

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  • - Every marriage takes work, right?
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  • Any marriage you see today that looks good,
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  • that looks like they're having fun,
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  • looks like they're surviving and it's all good,
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  • it's because they're working on their marriage.
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  • You were at your wedding, and it was beautiful, right?
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  • The bride was coming down the aisle,
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  • and you were goo goo eyes.
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  • You were watching her come down,
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  • looking at her down the aisle, saying those vows,
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  • and then the wedding was over,
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  • and the marriage began.
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  • And I wanna give you 25 red flags, 25.
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  • You're like oh my goodness, he's doing it again.
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  • We are going to go through these 25 red flags.
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  • Hi, I'm Paul.
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  • Almost 10 years ago my dad, my hero,
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  • my pastor, passed away unexpectedly.
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  • He built a big church
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  • and left some pretty large shoes to fill.
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  • When he died, I didn't just lose my dad,
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  • I lost my faith, I lost my purpose, and my future.
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  • But God showed up, and restored my faith
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  • and He gave me a message of hope to share with you.
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  • You're here on purpose.
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  • God's not finished with you yet.
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  • Your best days are right in front of you.
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  • And you have victory in your life
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  • because Jesus lives in you.
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  • Marriage was created by God
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  • before there was any sin and any darkness.
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  • He created Adam, He created Eve,
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  • and He said the two shall become one.
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  • Marriage was God's idea, then the serpent crept in,
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  • deceived Eve, Eve then convinced Adam to take from the tree
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  • that God said don't eat from.
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  • Then God shows up and says, "What happened?"
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  • and Adam says, "It wasn't me, it wasn't me."
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  • And now we got songs about it, it wasn't me,
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  • it was her, it wasn't me, it was her.
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  • And she goes it wasn't me, it was him,
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  • it was the serpent, it was the snake.
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  • And now today, it's always someone else's fault.
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  • It's the dogs fault.
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  • Well, if we wouldn't have bought this house,
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  • I wouldn't be like this.
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  • If you wouldn't have bought that car,
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  • I wouldn't be like this.
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  • If you wouldn't have put the kids in that school
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  • I wouldn't be like this.
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  • If you wouldn't have done that, and if your dad wouldn't
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  • have said that, and if your mom wouldn't have done that,
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  • and if your mother-in-law, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
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  • When are we gonna own and be responsible for our behavior
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  • and our actions, and our language?
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  • The buck stops with me.
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  • On of the greatest revelations that can happen
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  • in this series is to own what's happening in our life
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  • and to stop blaming it on everyone else.
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  • Is this too hard for Sunday morning?
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  • Alright let's keep going here, let's keep going.
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  • Number 14.
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  • When they refuse to communicate.
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  • I don't wanna talk about it, I don't wanna talk about it.
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  • A few months later, I still don't wanna talk about it.
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  • A few years later, I said I don't wanna talk about it.
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  • What's gonna happen if you don't talk about those things
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  • that need to be talked about?
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  • I'll tell you.
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  • You bottle up, and at some point you blow up,
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  • or someone walks out.
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  • I was talking to this couple
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  • and the wife said, "We grew up in a military home,
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  • "and my parents and his parents, military fathers.
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  • "We just didn't talk about our feelings.
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  • You don't talk you don't feel, you don't trust anyone.
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  • And you absolutely are not going
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  • to discuss or try to process your feelings.
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  • So just forget about that.
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  • We're gonna sweep it under the rugs, put smiles on,
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  • go to church on Sunday, and we're gonna pride ourselves
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  • in church that we've never had a fight in our house.
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  • Because we don't talk about stuff.
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  • And yet it is false pride, right?
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  • And so she said, "It was becoming so toxic that we hadn't
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  • "talked about things, we'd been married
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  • "for more than 15 years, and here we were in our 40s
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  • "and we just hadn't talked."
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  • And she said, "I was about to leave him.
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  • "And he didn't even know it,
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  • "because he wouldn't ever communicate or listen."
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  • And he was a military guy, and so she said,
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  • "Finally I secretly convinced him to go to some sort
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  • "of emotional healing conversation meeting
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  • "with an older couple, and he didn't know it.
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  • "But once he was there, surprise attack,
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  • "the counseling session started."
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  • And that's kinda what's happening today at church.
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  • You didn't know it but you're getting
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  • a free counseling session in marriage.
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  • And singles this is good for you, too, so don't tune out.
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  • Because God wants you to have a healthy marriage
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  • in the future some day, and this is essential.
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  • But she said, "That day, the counselor sat
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  • "and began to talk with us, and finally my husband
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  • "said 'yeah, it's not been my nature in our home
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  • "'to ever talk about this stuff, we just don't go there,
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  • "'we don't do that."
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  • "'I wasn't raised to see how parents actually fight
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  • "'cause they never fought in front of me,
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  • "'they never discussed anything.
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  • " 'We just never communicated.'"
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  • and she said,
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  • "After that session, my husband and I
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  • "had our very first fight in our whole marriage,
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  • "and it was the greatest thing that ever could
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  • "have happened to our marriage.
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  • "it saved our marriage.
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  • "We finally talked about the stuff
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  • "that we had been stuffing and suppressing below."
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  • And if there's a tone, there's stone,
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  • and you gotta deal with those stones.
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  • And if there's a look, there's probably a book,
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  • right, if she rolls her eyes,
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  • there's a whole book behind those rolled eyes,
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  • and you gotta talk about it.
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  • My dad used to say
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  • "where communication begins frustration ends."
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  • So let's talk about it, everybody say let's talk about it.
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  • - [Crowd] Let's talk about it.
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  • - Number 15.
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  • When you make excuses to avoid going home.
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  • When you make excuses.
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  • I've just gotta keep working, gotta do more stuff,
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  • gotta take some more trips.
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  • Now listen, Ash and I, we've been married
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  • almost 10 years this year, we've got three kids
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  • and two dogs, and so our house is loud and rowdy
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  • and there was a season before the kids showed up,
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  • and the dogs showed up, where things were very peaceful
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  • and quiet, and it was just a nice, real good safe haven.
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  • And I'm not saying it's not a safe haven anymore, it is,
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  • but it's just a loud safe haven.
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  • It's a very rowdy safe haven.
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  • So there are times when I will drive home,
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  • and I will sit in the driveway,
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  • just for like a minute.
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  • I've just gotta give myself a pep talk.
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  • I'm like, you got this.
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  • Just get ready for the chaos, just get your heart ready.
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  • Because the second I go through that door,
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  • the dogs start barking, my kids are like yeah,
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  • kick me in the, and they're all excited, let's wrestle,
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  • and I've just had long day, and my wife's like,
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  • I need you to do this, and I need you to do
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  • something with that, and she's being an amazing wife.
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  • But if I refuse to go home, if I'm making excuses
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  • and I'm always coming up with a new reason
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  • to not be at the house, I'm not saying it's means
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  • for divorce at all, I'm just saying there needs to be
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  • a conversation, we need to talk about why is it hard
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  • to come home, and how do we own that?
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  • And how do we make a decision?
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  • Because my boys need me, my wife needs me,
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  • I need my wife, I need that home.
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  • So stop making excuses and go home.
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  • Alright, number 16.
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  • When there's unrealistic expectations and extreme demands.
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  • Like on a regular basis.
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  • I was listening to a research guy who researches marriage,
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  • he's been doing it for many, many years.
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  • And he's from Britain, and he said
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  • in the earliest recordings of what marriages were
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  • in the Old Testament and the New Testament
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  • and even after the Bible was canonized,
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  • marriage was an easier thing back in the day.
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  • There was less pressure, because there was no technology,
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  • so nobody knew what to compare
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  • their marriage to another marriage.
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  • And there was no Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise
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  • to compare your husband to.
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  • I need him to have abs like that, I need her to have
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  • a personality like that, hair like that,
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  • and there was none of that stuff.
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  • So marriage was a lot simpler, a lot easier.
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  • And he was saying that back then, a village was responsible
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  • for a lot of the needs in the marriage for spouses.
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  • But today we have delegated what once a village did
  • 00:07:31.120 --> 00:07:34.140
  • for a guy, to now a wife is responsible to do
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  • everything a village did.
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  • Or a husband is now responsible to do everything
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  • a village and a school used to do for this woman.
  • 00:07:40.260 --> 00:07:44.040
  • And so it's important that we come back to that place
  • 00:07:44.040 --> 00:07:46.170
  • of your husband, your wife cannot be your savior.
  • 00:07:46.170 --> 00:07:48.290
  • They're not gonna meet every single need, that's Jesus' job.
  • 00:07:48.290 --> 00:07:52.080
  • And let's stop trying to put so much pressure
  • 00:07:52.080 --> 00:07:54.220
  • and unrealistic expectations for them to try to
  • 00:07:54.220 --> 00:07:57.270
  • be everything that Brad Pitt is, or whoever it is
  • 00:07:57.270 --> 00:08:00.260
  • that you admire, Julia Roberts.
  • 00:08:00.260 --> 00:08:02.210
  • Listen, like they're better than him,
  • 00:08:02.210 --> 00:08:04.090
  • they're better than her, Jesus is better than that.
  • 00:08:04.090 --> 00:08:06.170
  • So find everything you need in Christ,
  • 00:08:06.170 --> 00:08:09.140
  • and then let's bring the insane extreme expectations down,
  • 00:08:09.140 --> 00:08:13.220
  • and let's bring it back to what is realistic?
  • 00:08:13.220 --> 00:08:16.010
  • What is possible?
  • 00:08:16.010 --> 00:08:17.190
  • - Okay number 17.
  • 00:08:17.190 --> 00:08:18.250
  • - When spending time with and loving the kids
  • 00:08:18.250 --> 00:08:21.120
  • becomes more important than spending time with
  • 00:08:21.120 --> 00:08:23.260
  • and loving your spouse.
  • 00:08:23.260 --> 00:08:25.040
  • Ash and I have, we have three little kids,
  • 00:08:26.130 --> 00:08:28.110
  • and the greatest thing we can do for them
  • 00:08:28.110 --> 00:08:30.080
  • is show them that we are a priority with each other.
  • 00:08:30.080 --> 00:08:34.190
  • To show them that daddy prioritizes mommy,
  • 00:08:34.190 --> 00:08:37.250
  • daddy respects and loves mommy.
  • 00:08:37.250 --> 00:08:40.050
  • Mommy loves and respects daddy.
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  • Our kids need that.
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  • The goal is not to always do everything for your kids
  • 00:08:44.190 --> 00:08:47.110
  • at the expense of sacrificing your spouse
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  • on the altar of parenting.
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  • The greatest thing we can do as parents
  • 00:08:51.200 --> 00:08:53.250
  • is have a healthy relationship with their daddy,
  • 00:08:53.250 --> 00:08:57.030
  • with their mommy to show them that things are okay,
  • 00:08:57.030 --> 00:09:00.030
  • things are good, there's a love there
  • 00:09:00.030 --> 00:09:02.070
  • that they can sense and feel.
  • 00:09:02.070 --> 00:09:03.260
  • This comes from a class we offer here in our church
  • 00:09:03.260 --> 00:09:06.000
  • called Growing Kids God's Way.
  • 00:09:06.000 --> 00:09:07.160
  • And if you wanna be a part of that class, it's great.
  • 00:09:07.160 --> 00:09:09.140
  • Again, I'm not preaching from a place of perfection,
  • 00:09:09.140 --> 00:09:11.200
  • I'm preaching from God's Word
  • 00:09:11.200 --> 00:09:13.180
  • and it is healthy and helpful for all of us.
  • 00:09:13.180 --> 00:09:16.020
  • Take time, prioritize your spouse above the kids.
  • 00:09:16.020 --> 00:09:20.060
  • Number 18.
  • 00:09:20.060 --> 00:09:21.120
  • When technology takes over the marriage.
  • 00:09:21.120 --> 00:09:23.110
  • When technology takes over all the time.
  • 00:09:24.150 --> 00:09:26.270
  • When there are no boundaries with technology.
  • 00:09:26.270 --> 00:09:29.150
  • Again, this is something I'm growing in,
  • 00:09:29.150 --> 00:09:31.140
  • we're probably all growing in in many ways,
  • 00:09:31.140 --> 00:09:33.090
  • because today there's an inundation of so much technology.
  • 00:09:33.090 --> 00:09:37.050
  • Ash and I, when we go on a date night, we have had
  • 00:09:37.050 --> 00:09:39.160
  • many conversations and commitments that the iPhone,
  • 00:09:39.160 --> 00:09:42.180
  • the phone is not going to be out,
  • 00:09:42.180 --> 00:09:44.250
  • that if we have to look at it for a moment
  • 00:09:44.250 --> 00:09:46.230
  • to answer something with the babysitter,
  • 00:09:46.230 --> 00:09:48.180
  • we're gonna do it, but we're gonna be as focused as we can
  • 00:09:48.180 --> 00:09:51.170
  • on each other, to really enjoy each other's company,
  • 00:09:51.170 --> 00:09:54.190
  • to pay attention, and if we have nothing to say,
  • 00:09:54.190 --> 00:09:56.180
  • we're just gonna look at each other eat.
  • 00:09:56.180 --> 00:09:59.090
  • I'm just gonna watch you eat that roll,
  • 00:09:59.090 --> 00:10:01.120
  • and that roast, and that Cracker Barrel or Olive Garden,
  • 00:10:01.120 --> 00:10:04.250
  • whatever you're gonna eat.
  • 00:10:04.250 --> 00:10:06.010
  • But don't let technology take over.
  • 00:10:06.010 --> 00:10:08.100
  • If the TV has taken over the marriage,
  • 00:10:08.100 --> 00:10:10.140
  • if the phone, if the laptop, if you can't turn it off,
  • 00:10:10.140 --> 00:10:13.190
  • just come back to a place of surrender today,
  • 00:10:13.190 --> 00:10:15.250
  • and say Lord help us to not let technology rule our house.
  • 00:10:15.250 --> 00:10:19.100
  • Number 19.
  • 00:10:19.100 --> 00:10:20.250
  • When they stop wanting to grow in their walk with God.
  • 00:10:20.250 --> 00:10:22.240
  • I want the keys to come out.
  • 00:10:22.240 --> 00:10:24.120
  • When they stop wanting to grow in their walk with God.
  • 00:10:24.120 --> 00:10:26.130
  • When there's no desire to grow spiritually,
  • 00:10:26.130 --> 00:10:29.080
  • this is a red flag.
  • 00:10:29.080 --> 00:10:31.260
  • The Bible says that we are to crave the pure milk of God.
  • 00:10:31.260 --> 00:10:35.090
  • That we are to desire to grow in our walk with Christ.
  • 00:10:35.090 --> 00:10:39.110
  • When there is no desire to grow,
  • 00:10:39.110 --> 00:10:41.050
  • when you've become bored with God, it's not God's fault,
  • 00:10:41.050 --> 00:10:46.050
  • it's not the Pastor's fault.
  • 00:10:47.010 --> 00:10:47.220
  • There's something in you, you have stopped wanting to grow
  • 00:10:49.050 --> 00:10:52.060
  • in your relationship with God.
  • 00:10:52.060 --> 00:10:53.220
  • Go to the bookstore today and get another devotional book.
  • 00:10:53.220 --> 00:10:56.110
  • If you don't have a Bible, let us bless you with a Bible.
  • 00:10:56.110 --> 00:10:59.000
  • If you aren't reading your Bible,
  • 00:10:59.000 --> 00:11:00.290
  • get on our Bible reading plan app,
  • 00:11:00.290 --> 00:11:02.230
  • The Victory App, it's free.
  • 00:11:02.230 --> 00:11:04.080
  • We have so many resources to grow our spiritual.
  • 00:11:04.080 --> 00:11:07.040
  • And you say, well what does that
  • 00:11:07.040 --> 00:11:08.030
  • have to do with my marriage?
  • 00:11:08.030 --> 00:11:09.000
  • Everything.
  • 00:11:09.000 --> 00:11:10.100
  • 'Cause if you'll grow spiritually,
  • 00:11:10.100 --> 00:11:11.290
  • you'll be a better husband, a better wife.
  • 00:11:11.290 --> 00:11:13.250
  • I cannot be the husband
  • 00:11:13.250 --> 00:11:15.170
  • that I am called to be without God.
  • 00:11:15.170 --> 00:11:17.240
  • I can't be the dad I'm called to be without God.
  • 00:11:17.240 --> 00:11:20.000
  • Marriage was never meant to be between two people,
  • 00:11:20.000 --> 00:11:22.260
  • it was meant to be between three;
  • 00:11:24.010 --> 00:11:25.140
  • Me, my spouse, and God,
  • 00:11:26.190 --> 00:11:29.080
  • God at the center.
  • 00:11:29.080 --> 00:11:30.220
  • And when you get God, you get the whole package.
  • 00:11:30.220 --> 00:11:32.070
  • You get the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
  • 00:11:32.070 --> 00:11:34.150
  • And when you start growing spiritually, and saying
  • 00:11:34.150 --> 00:11:37.030
  • Holy Spirit help me, help me to walk in patience today
  • 00:11:37.030 --> 00:11:40.050
  • with my spouse, help me to walk in mercy and gentleness,
  • 00:11:40.050 --> 00:11:43.190
  • help me to walk in self-control, whatever it is.
  • 00:11:43.190 --> 00:11:46.080
  • I'm telling you today, if you'll make a commitment
  • 00:11:46.080 --> 00:11:48.180
  • to grow spiritually,
  • 00:11:48.180 --> 00:11:49.240
  • it will change your marriage for the better.
  • 00:11:49.240 --> 00:11:53.010
  • Number 20.
  • 00:11:53.010 --> 00:11:54.140
  • When being independent becomes a constant fantasy.
  • 00:11:54.140 --> 00:11:57.150
  • When being independent becomes a constant desire.
  • 00:11:58.280 --> 00:12:01.220
  • I miss when I could do what I used to do
  • 00:12:01.220 --> 00:12:03.230
  • when I used to wanna do it, and how I wanted to do it,
  • 00:12:03.230 --> 00:12:06.060
  • and I didn't have to check in with anybody.
  • 00:12:06.060 --> 00:12:08.040
  • And now in society we have all these independent songs.
  • 00:12:08.040 --> 00:12:11.070
  • Miss Independent, So Independent, I'm Independent,
  • 00:12:11.070 --> 00:12:14.040
  • I don't need anybody to tell me what to do
  • 00:12:14.040 --> 00:12:15.270
  • 'cause I'm independent, and it's like really?
  • 00:12:15.270 --> 00:12:18.040
  • That's not the goal in marriage.
  • 00:12:18.040 --> 00:12:19.270
  • The goal is to be dependent on God
  • 00:12:19.270 --> 00:12:21.280
  • and to be dependent on your spouse.
  • 00:12:21.280 --> 00:12:24.010
  • Independence, this idea of I don't want anyone to tell me
  • 00:12:24.010 --> 00:12:27.080
  • what I'm gonna be, what I'm gonna do;
  • 00:12:27.080 --> 00:12:28.270
  • it is a rejection of submission to God.
  • 00:12:28.270 --> 00:12:32.070
  • It's a rejection of humility.
  • 00:12:32.070 --> 00:12:33.250
  • It is a prideful, egotistical, narcissistic,
  • 00:12:33.250 --> 00:12:37.290
  • arrogant idea that I can be what I wanna be without God,
  • 00:12:37.290 --> 00:12:41.180
  • and I don't have to answer to my spouse,
  • 00:12:41.180 --> 00:12:43.020
  • and I can have a healthy marriage by being completely
  • 00:12:43.020 --> 00:12:45.220
  • it's okay to have unique personality, unique gifts,
  • 00:12:45.220 --> 00:12:48.040
  • unique talents, celebrate your uniqueness.
  • 00:12:48.040 --> 00:12:50.090
  • But do not fantasize about independence,
  • 00:12:50.090 --> 00:12:53.050
  • 'cause it is a red flag in marriage.
  • 00:12:53.050 --> 00:12:55.020
  • Number 21.
  • 00:12:55.020 --> 00:12:56.000
  • When they start talking about
  • 00:12:56.000 --> 00:12:57.070
  • how their ex or their exes were,
  • 00:12:57.070 --> 00:13:00.110
  • and over-glamorizing past relationships.
  • 00:13:00.110 --> 00:13:04.000
  • My ex used to buy me gifts all the time.
  • 00:13:04.000 --> 00:13:06.100
  • My ex took time to write me notes, took me on better dates,
  • 00:13:06.100 --> 00:13:09.210
  • my ex did this, my ex did that.
  • 00:13:09.210 --> 00:13:11.070
  • Stop talking about your ex.
  • 00:13:11.070 --> 00:13:13.130
  • If you're still in touch with your ex and you're married,
  • 00:13:13.130 --> 00:13:16.040
  • and you say well Paul,
  • 00:13:16.040 --> 00:13:17.190
  • we're just talking, it's just a little bit of flirtation,
  • 00:13:17.190 --> 00:13:19.080
  • it's not gonna hurt anybody.
  • 00:13:19.080 --> 00:13:20.280
  • It is a red flag.
  • 00:13:20.280 --> 00:13:22.160
  • And it needs to be brought to the Cross,
  • 00:13:23.200 --> 00:13:26.050
  • and you need to say you know what,
  • 00:13:26.050 --> 00:13:27.190
  • I need to spend that same energy that I've been spending
  • 00:13:27.190 --> 00:13:29.250
  • flirting with that other person, on my spouse.
  • 00:13:29.250 --> 00:13:32.150
  • I need to start flirting with my spouse again.
  • 00:13:32.150 --> 00:13:34.100
  • I need to start watering my yard
  • 00:13:34.100 --> 00:13:36.140
  • that's right in front of me.
  • 00:13:36.140 --> 00:13:38.040
  • And he said, "I even called some of my pastor friends
  • 00:13:38.040 --> 00:13:39.230
  • "and said listen, I don't know what to do about this,
  • 00:13:39.230 --> 00:13:41.230
  • "I think she's gonna kill me."
  • 00:13:41.230 --> 00:13:43.080
  • And they said," Just take her on the hunting trip,
  • 00:13:43.080 --> 00:13:44.240
  • "you've never taken her on one."
  • 00:13:44.240 --> 00:13:46.270
  • So he took her, against his judgment, he took her.
  • 00:13:46.270 --> 00:13:50.010
  • And he said that hunting trip changed our marriage.
  • 00:13:50.010 --> 00:13:53.020
  • It healed our marriage.
  • 00:13:53.020 --> 00:13:54.170
  • He said, "We had fun together.
  • 00:13:54.170 --> 00:13:55.290
  • "Why didn't I do it sooner?
  • 00:13:55.290 --> 00:13:57.160
  • "I had left her out of my hobby,
  • 00:13:57.160 --> 00:13:59.030
  • "I had made that all about me."
  • 00:13:59.030 --> 00:14:00.270
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  • - Number 22.
  • 00:15:04.040 --> 00:15:05.180
  • When there is constant comparison of one another,
  • 00:15:05.180 --> 00:15:07.270
  • a constant comparison.
  • 00:15:07.270 --> 00:15:09.240
  • I'm not talking about comparing them to your ex,
  • 00:15:09.240 --> 00:15:11.160
  • I'm talking about comparing them to people that are
  • 00:15:11.160 --> 00:15:13.110
  • right here in your life,
  • 00:15:13.110 --> 00:15:14.200
  • or comparing them to your dad or mom.
  • 00:15:14.200 --> 00:15:17.140
  • When Ash and I got married, Ashley, in the first few months,
  • 00:15:18.260 --> 00:15:21.160
  • she cooked a really good meal, fried chicken.
  • 00:15:21.160 --> 00:15:25.160
  • She said now what do you think about the fried chicken?
  • 00:15:25.160 --> 00:15:27.110
  • Now I grew up, my mom made some incredible fried chicken.
  • 00:15:27.110 --> 00:15:31.070
  • She would deep fry, like super fry the chicken,
  • 00:15:32.280 --> 00:15:37.020
  • it was good, it was nice fried chicken.
  • 00:15:37.020 --> 00:15:39.280
  • And so Ash was like what do you think?
  • 00:15:39.280 --> 00:15:42.040
  • And I made the mistake, I was like, well
  • 00:15:42.040 --> 00:15:44.010
  • you know my mom,
  • 00:15:44.010 --> 00:15:46.050
  • (laughter)
  • 00:15:46.050 --> 00:15:47.190
  • The second I said it, it was like I knew I was headed
  • 00:15:47.190 --> 00:15:50.000
  • towards disaster and red flags.
  • 00:15:50.000 --> 00:15:54.220
  • And Ash was like, "Your mom what?"
  • 00:15:54.220 --> 00:15:56.160
  • and I was like she really fried the chicken,
  • 00:15:57.260 --> 00:16:00.270
  • this is pretty good, but my mom fried it,
  • 00:16:00.270 --> 00:16:03.170
  • And Ash was like, "Uh huh, give me your plate."
  • 00:16:03.170 --> 00:16:06.230
  • And I was like no I wanna eat it please.
  • 00:16:06.230 --> 00:16:09.180
  • "Gimme your plate."
  • 00:16:09.180 --> 00:16:10.220
  • (laughter)
  • 00:16:10.220 --> 00:16:12.050
  • but Ashley cooks some amazing meals.
  • 00:16:12.050 --> 00:16:13.240
  • We haven't had fried chicken in a long time,
  • 00:16:13.240 --> 00:16:15.130
  • but we eat some really good meals.
  • 00:16:15.130 --> 00:16:17.250
  • She makes incredible food.
  • 00:16:17.250 --> 00:16:19.290
  • But if you're comparing your spouse to your mom or your dad,
  • 00:16:19.290 --> 00:16:23.190
  • my dad fixes everything you don't do any, my dad did this
  • 00:16:23.190 --> 00:16:26.160
  • for me and my dad did that for me
  • 00:16:26.160 --> 00:16:28.080
  • and listen, if it's always comparison,
  • 00:16:28.080 --> 00:16:30.190
  • or it could be about someone else.
  • 00:16:30.190 --> 00:16:32.130
  • If you treated me the way the Kresges treat each other
  • 00:16:32.130 --> 00:16:34.050
  • the way the Johnsons, and the way the Jacobs,
  • 00:16:34.050 --> 00:16:36.220
  • if you were like CJ, things would be different,
  • 00:16:36.220 --> 00:16:38.130
  • if you were like Robin, if you were just sweet,
  • 00:16:38.130 --> 00:16:41.000
  • and peaceful, and smiling, then our marriage would be happy
  • 00:16:41.000 --> 00:16:43.190
  • stop comparing your spouse to someone else in the church.
  • 00:16:43.190 --> 00:16:46.280
  • You don't know the stuff they deal with,
  • 00:16:46.280 --> 00:16:48.210
  • you don't know what they've had to work through,
  • 00:16:48.210 --> 00:16:50.080
  • and you comparing your spouse to everybody else
  • 00:16:50.080 --> 00:16:52.270
  • is not motivating them to become a better spouse,
  • 00:16:52.270 --> 00:16:55.100
  • it is driving a wedge between you and him, and you and her.
  • 00:16:55.100 --> 00:17:00.090
  • Come back next week, it's gonna be sweet, peaceful,
  • 00:17:00.090 --> 00:17:02.100
  • and I'm gonna give you a big hug
  • 00:17:02.100 --> 00:17:03.160
  • and tell you how much God loves you.
  • 00:17:03.160 --> 00:17:05.060
  • (laughter)
  • 00:17:05.060 --> 00:17:06.010
  • Alright, number 23.
  • 00:17:06.010 --> 00:17:09.120
  • When there are spiteful purchases, spiteful big decisions.
  • 00:17:09.120 --> 00:17:14.010
  • And you've talked about it.
  • 00:17:14.010 --> 00:17:16.000
  • I'm gonna go buy that motorcycle she said I can't buy.
  • 00:17:16.000 --> 00:17:18.190
  • I'm gonna sell his boat.
  • 00:17:18.190 --> 00:17:20.220
  • (laughter)
  • 00:17:20.220 --> 00:17:22.080
  • I'm gonna go buy that couch
  • 00:17:22.080 --> 00:17:24.170
  • that's more than what we discussed that I can purchase.
  • 00:17:24.170 --> 00:17:27.210
  • I'm gonna get rid of the dogs.
  • 00:17:28.210 --> 00:17:30.260
  • This happens y'all, in good Christian homes.
  • 00:17:32.160 --> 00:17:35.040
  • And it's like, we've gotta deal with it.
  • 00:17:36.100 --> 00:17:38.160
  • Number 24.
  • 00:17:38.160 --> 00:17:40.010
  • When he or she hasn't said I love you in a very long time.
  • 00:17:40.010 --> 00:17:42.220
  • There was a man who came to my dad saying,
  • 00:17:44.230 --> 00:17:46.260
  • "My wife is nagging me so much, and the Bible says
  • 00:17:46.260 --> 00:17:49.180
  • "it's better to live in the desert than with a nagging wife
  • 00:17:49.180 --> 00:17:52.160
  • "it's like a dripping faucet."
  • 00:17:52.160 --> 00:17:54.180
  • And my dad said, "Well, what have you said,
  • 00:17:54.180 --> 00:17:57.270
  • what have you done to her?"
  • 00:17:57.270 --> 00:17:59.120
  • "I haven't done anything, I've shown her nothing but love."
  • 00:17:59.120 --> 00:18:01.160
  • "Really?
  • 00:18:01.160 --> 00:18:02.240
  • "You've shown her nothing but love.
  • 00:18:02.240 --> 00:18:04.010
  • "When's the last time you said you love her?"
  • 00:18:04.010 --> 00:18:05.210
  • "On our wedding day."
  • 00:18:05.210 --> 00:18:08.060
  • "When was your wedding?"
  • 00:18:08.060 --> 00:18:09.140
  • "1996, she should know I love her."
  • 00:18:09.140 --> 00:18:14.000
  • And my dad said, "You need to tell her every single day.
  • 00:18:15.120 --> 00:18:16.100
  • "You need to start making it.."
  • 00:18:16.100 --> 00:18:17.160
  • "Well what if I don't feel like it?"
  • 00:18:17.160 --> 00:18:18.230
  • That's the great thing about love,
  • 00:18:18.230 --> 00:18:20.010
  • you don't have to feel it to do it.
  • 00:18:20.010 --> 00:18:22.010
  • You don't have to feel it to say it,
  • 00:18:22.010 --> 00:18:23.210
  • You don't have to feel it to choose it.
  • 00:18:23.210 --> 00:18:25.010
  • Love is more than a feeling, it is a choice.
  • 00:18:25.010 --> 00:18:30.010
  • If you haven't said it a while, just say it right now
  • 00:18:31.130 --> 00:18:32.270
  • to your spouse, even if you had a fight on the way to church
  • 00:18:32.270 --> 00:18:34.080
  • say it by faith, I love you.
  • 00:18:34.080 --> 00:18:36.100
  • I love you.
  • 00:18:36.100 --> 00:18:37.060
  • Number 25.
  • 00:18:37.060 --> 00:18:38.120
  • When couples treat each other as common.
  • 00:18:38.120 --> 00:18:40.100
  • When there's a loss of value or appreciation.
  • 00:18:40.100 --> 00:18:43.080
  • Jesus said in Mark 6: 1-6, he went to his hometown,
  • 00:18:43.080 --> 00:18:46.230
  • and right when he got there, he had just got done
  • 00:18:46.230 --> 00:18:48.090
  • doing tons of miracles in all these other towns.
  • 00:18:48.090 --> 00:18:50.210
  • Raising dead people back to life.
  • 00:18:50.210 --> 00:18:52.270
  • Jesus had cured a women who had a bleeding problem
  • 00:18:52.270 --> 00:18:56.070
  • for many, many years.
  • 00:18:56.070 --> 00:18:57.190
  • He had set a man free of over 1.000 demons
  • 00:18:57.190 --> 00:19:01.090
  • and he shows up in his hometown.
  • 00:19:01.090 --> 00:19:02.270
  • And all of a sudden people start talking,
  • 00:19:04.020 --> 00:19:05.100
  • like who's this 30 year old trying to teach us?
  • 00:19:05.100 --> 00:19:07.170
  • Isn't this Joe's boy, didn't we watch him
  • 00:19:08.220 --> 00:19:10.090
  • grow up in diapers?
  • 00:19:10.090 --> 00:19:11.150
  • What's he got to offer?
  • 00:19:11.150 --> 00:19:12.180
  • He's a common thing.
  • 00:19:12.180 --> 00:19:14.130
  • And the Bible says Jesus could do very few miracles there
  • 00:19:14.130 --> 00:19:17.180
  • because of the spirit of disbelief.
  • 00:19:17.180 --> 00:19:19.230
  • The spirit of familiarity has killed so many marriages.
  • 00:19:19.230 --> 00:19:23.200
  • Familiarity really breeds contempt,
  • 00:19:23.200 --> 00:19:26.090
  • and leads to adultery.
  • 00:19:26.090 --> 00:19:28.120
  • Familiarity I know everything there is to know about her,
  • 00:19:28.120 --> 00:19:30.210
  • I know everything there is about him, he's common.
  • 00:19:30.210 --> 00:19:32.200
  • She's common.
  • 00:19:32.200 --> 00:19:34.070
  • If you have treated your spouse as common,
  • 00:19:34.070 --> 00:19:36.050
  • it's time to bring that spouse back
  • 00:19:36.050 --> 00:19:38.010
  • to a place of value and appreciation.
  • 00:19:38.010 --> 00:19:39.270
  • Alrighty, 25 red flags are over.
  • 00:19:39.270 --> 00:19:41.240
  • (cheers)
  • 00:19:41.240 --> 00:19:43.010
  • Now, what do we do, what do we do?
  • 00:19:43.010 --> 00:19:44.170
  • Let me end it with this, let me wrap it up right here.
  • 00:19:44.170 --> 00:19:45.250
  • Here's what we need to do to move forward.
  • 00:19:45.250 --> 00:19:46.160
  • Now what?
  • 00:19:46.160 --> 00:19:47.150
  • Number one, start with yourself.
  • 00:19:47.150 --> 00:19:49.020
  • Start with me, I'm starting with the man in the mirror.
  • 00:19:49.020 --> 00:19:50.170
  • Matthew 7:1 says stop judging everyone else.
  • 00:19:50.170 --> 00:19:54.080
  • Stop looking for the speck in their eye,
  • 00:19:54.080 --> 00:19:56.020
  • and look at the plank in your eye.
  • 00:19:56.020 --> 00:19:57.230
  • So I'm starting with me.
  • 00:19:57.230 --> 00:19:59.190
  • Everybody say, start with you.
  • 00:19:59.190 --> 00:20:00.290
  • - [Crowd] Start with you
  • 00:20:00.290 --> 00:20:02.070
  • - Start with you, boo, start with you.
  • 00:20:02.070 --> 00:20:03.070
  • Number two.
  • 00:20:03.070 --> 00:20:04.020
  • Address the mess.
  • 00:20:04.020 --> 00:20:05.080
  • If there's smoke, don't wait for the fire.
  • 00:20:05.080 --> 00:20:07.180
  • Deal with it, start today.
  • 00:20:07.180 --> 00:20:09.180
  • Begin to just unravel some of those conversations
  • 00:20:09.180 --> 00:20:11.260
  • that you are afraid to get into.
  • 00:20:11.260 --> 00:20:13.250
  • And you know there's landmines all around there,
  • 00:20:13.250 --> 00:20:16.070
  • but just go into it, just go ahead and address the mess.
  • 00:20:16.070 --> 00:20:20.080
  • It's not gonna fix itself magically.
  • 00:20:20.080 --> 00:20:22.010
  • You've got to deal with it.
  • 00:20:22.010 --> 00:20:23.070
  • Number three, repent for wrong-doing.
  • 00:20:23.070 --> 00:20:26.200
  • The Bible says that if you resist the devil he will flea.
  • 00:20:26.200 --> 00:20:29.210
  • Many people leave out the part in the middle
  • 00:20:29.210 --> 00:20:31.170
  • of that scripture that says Submit yourself to God.
  • 00:20:31.170 --> 00:20:34.100
  • The greatest posture you can have in marriage
  • 00:20:34.100 --> 00:20:36.250
  • is a posture of humility.
  • 00:20:36.250 --> 00:20:38.230
  • The greatest posture you can have spiritually
  • 00:20:38.230 --> 00:20:40.250
  • is a posture of submission to God, saying Lord I surrender,
  • 00:20:40.250 --> 00:20:44.050
  • Not my will, but your will be done.
  • 00:20:44.050 --> 00:20:46.070
  • I repent.
  • 00:20:46.070 --> 00:20:47.200
  • Repentance is not just saying I'm sorry.
  • 00:20:47.200 --> 00:20:49.230
  • It is changing.
  • 00:20:49.230 --> 00:20:51.040
  • Lord I'm changing my thoughts against this person,
  • 00:20:51.040 --> 00:20:53.160
  • my feelings, Lord I'm choosing to change my behavior
  • 00:20:53.160 --> 00:20:56.070
  • my language, my actions, repent.
  • 00:20:56.070 --> 00:20:58.020
  • Number four.
  • 00:20:58.020 --> 00:20:59.010
  • Forgive the one who hurt you.
  • 00:20:59.010 --> 00:21:00.240
  • Forgive the one who hurt you.
  • 00:21:00.240 --> 00:21:03.040
  • You say but Paul, I don't wanna forgive them.
  • 00:21:03.040 --> 00:21:05.100
  • They hurt me so bad.
  • 00:21:05.100 --> 00:21:06.190
  • If I forgive them, I'm giving them permission
  • 00:21:06.190 --> 00:21:08.160
  • to keep doing it.
  • 00:21:08.160 --> 00:21:09.250
  • Forgiveness does not excuse bad behavior,
  • 00:21:09.250 --> 00:21:12.060
  • forgiveness sets you free from resentment and bitterness
  • 00:21:12.060 --> 00:21:15.130
  • and the rottening of the bones on the inside.
  • 00:21:15.130 --> 00:21:18.050
  • That bitterness and unforgiveness
  • 00:21:18.050 --> 00:21:19.230
  • is only keeping you captive.
  • 00:21:19.230 --> 00:21:21.170
  • Today, set the prisoner free.
  • 00:21:21.170 --> 00:21:24.120
  • Say I forgive them in Jesus name.
  • 00:21:24.120 --> 00:21:27.180
  • And when you forgive, forgiveness unlocks your future,
  • 00:21:27.180 --> 00:21:30.100
  • forgiveness unlocks his future,
  • 00:21:30.100 --> 00:21:32.030
  • forgiveness unlocks the future of the marriage.
  • 00:21:32.030 --> 00:21:34.170
  • Number five.
  • 00:21:34.170 --> 00:21:35.220
  • Solve negative feelings daily.
  • 00:21:35.220 --> 00:21:37.240
  • Make a daily decision,
  • 00:21:37.240 --> 00:21:39.090
  • we're gonna resolve the conflict that's going on.
  • 00:21:39.090 --> 00:21:41.210
  • We're gonna stop sweeping it under the rug,
  • 00:21:41.210 --> 00:21:43.130
  • we're gonna stop priding ourselves that we've never had
  • 00:21:43.130 --> 00:21:45.240
  • a fight, we're gonna deal with these issues.
  • 00:21:45.240 --> 00:21:48.020
  • Make a resolution.
  • 00:21:48.020 --> 00:21:49.130
  • Ephesians 4:26 says,
  • 00:21:49.130 --> 00:21:50.260
  • do not let the sun go down on your wrath.
  • 00:21:50.260 --> 00:21:53.220
  • Deal with the anger, talk it out.
  • 00:21:53.220 --> 00:21:55.100
  • And what I've realized is the later it gets,
  • 00:21:55.100 --> 00:21:56.280
  • the more humble I become.
  • 00:21:56.280 --> 00:21:58.110
  • At 5:00 p.m., she's wrong and I'm right.
  • 00:21:58.110 --> 00:22:01.020
  • At 6:00 p.m., I'm half wrong, and she's half wrong.
  • 00:22:01.020 --> 00:22:04.180
  • At 10:00 p.m., I'm totally wrong, I'm sorry,
  • 00:22:04.180 --> 00:22:06.230
  • let's just go to sleep, please, I'm sorry.
  • 00:22:06.230 --> 00:22:08.250
  • Why?
  • 00:22:10.020 --> 00:22:11.030
  • Because I wanna be a peacemaker.
  • 00:22:11.030 --> 00:22:13.040
  • Let's be peacemakers.
  • 00:22:13.040 --> 00:22:14.090
  • Let's make a decision to work through.
  • 00:22:14.090 --> 00:22:16.190
  • Great stores, Jimmy Evans said this,
  • 00:22:16.190 --> 00:22:18.140
  • great stores have a customer relations counter,
  • 00:22:18.140 --> 00:22:22.080
  • and great marriages do, too.
  • 00:22:22.080 --> 00:22:24.020
  • Set up a customer relations counter in your marriage,
  • 00:22:24.020 --> 00:22:26.240
  • and say hey, the customer relations counter is open today.
  • 00:22:26.240 --> 00:22:29.280
  • Is there anything that we need to work out?
  • 00:22:29.280 --> 00:22:31.170
  • Anything we need to deal with here?
  • 00:22:31.170 --> 00:22:32.270
  • Number six.
  • 00:22:32.270 --> 00:22:34.040
  • Commit to pursue each other with passion,
  • 00:22:34.040 --> 00:22:35.180
  • and have fun together.
  • 00:22:35.180 --> 00:22:37.060
  • Bring sex back into the marriage,
  • 00:22:37.060 --> 00:22:38.240
  • bring that intimacy, bring those date nights.
  • 00:22:38.240 --> 00:22:41.060
  • Go have some fun together.
  • 00:22:41.060 --> 00:22:42.260
  • I heard this preacher talking, and he said,
  • 00:22:42.260 --> 00:22:45.000
  • "We had gotten, my marriage had taken a back seat
  • 00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:46.240
  • "and the church was in the driver's seat.
  • 00:22:46.240 --> 00:22:48.120
  • "The church was the focus.
  • 00:22:48.120 --> 00:22:50.110
  • "And after 20 or more years, my wife and I,
  • 00:22:50.110 --> 00:22:52.100
  • "we were so mad at each other,
  • 00:22:52.100 --> 00:22:53.250
  • "but we kept going to church together."
  • 00:22:53.250 --> 00:22:56.040
  • And he said, "Hunting was a hobby for me.
  • 00:22:56.040 --> 00:22:58.240
  • "And so my wife said,
  • 00:22:58.240 --> 00:23:01.180
  • 'I wanna go on your next hunting trip.'"
  • 00:23:01.180 --> 00:23:03.160
  • And he said, "I was a little nervous,
  • 00:23:03.160 --> 00:23:05.120
  • "cause he said we were gonna be alone
  • 00:23:06.180 --> 00:23:07.250
  • "in the woods with firearms."
  • 00:23:07.250 --> 00:23:09.140
  • (laughter)
  • 00:23:09.140 --> 00:23:10.260
  • And he said, "I was convinced she was gonna kill me.
  • 00:23:10.260 --> 00:23:13.140
  • "And make it look like a hunting accident."
  • 00:23:13.140 --> 00:23:16.020
  • And so he said, "I even called some of my pastor friends
  • 00:23:16.020 --> 00:23:18.080
  • "and said listen, I don't know what to do about this,
  • 00:23:18.080 --> 00:23:20.080
  • "I think she's gonna kill me.
  • 00:23:20.080 --> 00:23:21.230
  • "And they said, 'just take her on the hunting trip,
  • 00:23:21.230 --> 00:23:23.110
  • you've never taken her on one'."
  • 00:23:23.110 --> 00:23:25.130
  • So he took her, against his judgment.
  • 00:23:25.130 --> 00:23:27.170
  • He took her.
  • 00:23:27.170 --> 00:23:29.020
  • And he said that hunting trip changed our marriage,
  • 00:23:29.020 --> 00:23:31.170
  • it healed our marriage.
  • 00:23:31.170 --> 00:23:33.030
  • He said, "We had fun together,
  • 00:23:33.030 --> 00:23:34.140
  • "why didn't I do it sooner?
  • 00:23:34.140 --> 00:23:36.010
  • "I had left her out of my hobby,
  • 00:23:36.010 --> 00:23:37.190
  • "I had made that all about me,
  • 00:23:37.190 --> 00:23:39.070
  • "and when she came we had so much fun together,
  • 00:23:39.070 --> 00:23:41.060
  • "we dressed up in camo, we shot the deer."
  • 00:23:41.060 --> 00:23:44.010
  • Whatever you think about hunting,
  • 00:23:44.010 --> 00:23:45.040
  • but the bottom line is this.
  • 00:23:45.040 --> 00:23:46.210
  • There was healing and reconciliation.
  • 00:23:46.210 --> 00:23:49.100
  • Hey I pray that that message spoke to you
  • 00:23:49.100 --> 00:23:51.010
  • and encouraged you, and reminded you that God has a plan
  • 00:23:51.010 --> 00:23:54.140
  • for your relationships, for your marriage.
  • 00:23:54.140 --> 00:23:56.210
  • Whether you're single or married or divorced or widowed,
  • 00:23:56.210 --> 00:23:59.210
  • God wants to use the words you heard today
  • 00:23:59.210 --> 00:24:02.070
  • to strengthen the relationships that you have;
  • 00:24:02.070 --> 00:24:04.290
  • the relationship you have with the person that you love,
  • 00:24:04.290 --> 00:24:08.100
  • that there would be no red flags,
  • 00:24:08.100 --> 00:24:09.240
  • that you would be able to have trust and peace
  • 00:24:09.240 --> 00:24:12.030
  • and conversations about the tough things,
  • 00:24:12.030 --> 00:24:14.210
  • that you would be able to work through things
  • 00:24:14.210 --> 00:24:16.160
  • and not throw in the towel and quit.
  • 00:24:16.160 --> 00:24:18.250
  • God wants to give us a heart of mercy,
  • 00:24:18.250 --> 00:24:20.240
  • a heart of love, to be able to forgive
  • 00:24:20.240 --> 00:24:22.220
  • the people who've hurt us.
  • 00:24:22.220 --> 00:24:24.080
  • Maybe you've walked through pain, and you feel betrayed,
  • 00:24:24.080 --> 00:24:26.170
  • and you're wondering could I even
  • 00:24:26.170 --> 00:24:28.040
  • trust another person again?
  • 00:24:28.040 --> 00:24:30.010
  • I wanna encourage you with this, god's love is big enough
  • 00:24:30.010 --> 00:24:32.120
  • to heal your heart, to change your heart,
  • 00:24:32.120 --> 00:24:34.260
  • and to give you that ability
  • 00:24:34.260 --> 00:24:35.270
  • to love again, to trust again.
  • 00:24:35.270 --> 00:24:38.130
  • Why don't you say this prayer with me right now?
  • 00:24:38.130 --> 00:24:40.020
  • Just say Jesus, I choose to trust you.
  • 00:24:40.020 --> 00:24:43.270
  • I choose to receive your love, your forgiveness
  • 00:24:43.270 --> 00:24:47.180
  • in my life, and Lord I choose to forgive
  • 00:24:47.180 --> 00:24:51.010
  • those who have hurt me, those who have betrayed me.
  • 00:24:51.010 --> 00:24:54.100
  • Lord, my future is in your hands.
  • 00:24:54.100 --> 00:24:56.110
  • In Jesus name, amen.
  • 00:24:56.110 --> 00:24:58.220
  • Hey, we wanna be here for ya.
  • 00:24:58.220 --> 00:25:00.060
  • If there's anything we can do, let us know.
  • 00:25:00.060 --> 00:25:02.050
  • Call the number at the bottom of the screen,
  • 00:25:02.050 --> 00:25:04.090
  • Email us at info@Victory.com.
  • 00:25:04.090 --> 00:25:06.220
  • We'll get back to you whether it's a prayer request
  • 00:25:06.220 --> 00:25:08.250
  • or praise report, whether it's something going on
  • 00:25:08.250 --> 00:25:11.060
  • in your marriage that we can help give some counsel
  • 00:25:11.060 --> 00:25:13.170
  • or just prayers to, we wanna do that.
  • 00:25:13.170 --> 00:25:16.000
  • You can find this sermon online,
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  • and the whole series, and all of the sermons I've preached
  • 00:25:17.230 --> 00:25:20.220
  • right at Victory.com.
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  • And to everyone out there never forget your best days
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  • are right in front of you.
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