Adult Male Suicide | TBN

Adult Male Suicide

Watch Adult Male Suicide
April 17, 2019
28:20

Taking Care of Business

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Adult Male Suicide

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  • HE TOLD ME HE WENT DOWN TO GO BUY A GUN.
  • 00:00:02.190 --> 00:00:06.290
  • - HOW MANY PERSONAL PEOPLE I'VE KNOWN THAT
  • 00:00:07.010 --> 00:00:11.150
  • HAVE COMMITTED SUICIDE, I MEAN, THERE ARE SO MANY.
  • 00:00:11.170 --> 00:00:16.070
  • - I HAD 45 MINUTES TO GET GLOVES AND BLEACH.
  • 00:00:18.130 --> 00:00:21.010
  • I KNEW WHAT I WAS GOING TO SMELL.
  • 00:00:21.030 --> 00:00:22.160
  • I KNEW WHAT I WAS GOING TO SEE.
  • 00:00:22.180 --> 00:00:24.150
  • I'D SEEN IT TOO MANY TIMES BEFORE.
  • 00:00:24.170 --> 00:00:28.000
  • - ONE GENTLEMAN HAD A SECRET.
  • 00:00:29.160 --> 00:00:32.230
  • HE WAS INVOLVED WITH A MARRIED WOMAN, AND IT GOT
  • 00:00:32.250 --> 00:00:35.090
  • FOUND OUT.
  • 00:00:35.110 --> 00:00:36.130
  • HE LAID DOWN IN FRONT OF A TRAIN.
  • 00:00:36.150 --> 00:00:37.290
  • CUT HIM IN HALF.
  • 00:00:38.010 --> 00:00:41.230
  • ANOTHER MAN THAT I KNEW YEARS AGO HUNG HIMSELF.
  • 00:00:41.250 --> 00:00:46.030
  • ANOTHER GENTLEMAN CUT HIS WRISTS AND LAID IN
  • 00:00:46.050 --> 00:00:48.040
  • THE BATHTUB.
  • 00:00:48.060 --> 00:00:49.120
  • THEY KNOCKED DOWN THE DOOR A COUPLE DAYS AND
  • 00:00:49.140 --> 00:00:51.120
  • FOUND HIM.
  • 00:00:51.140 --> 00:00:52.110
  • [MUSIC]
  • 00:00:52.130 --> 00:00:59.210
  • TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS ...
  • 00:00:59.230 --> 00:01:04.230
  • TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS ...
  • 00:01:07.150 --> 00:01:11.240
  • [MUSIC]
  • 00:01:11.260 --> 00:01:19.160
  • - KELLY WRIGHT: I'M KELLY WRIGHT, AND TOGETHER
  • 00:01:19.180 --> 00:01:20.240
  • WE'RE TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS.
  • 00:01:20.260 --> 00:01:22.120
  • THE DEATH RATE IN THE US IS THE HIGHEST IT HAS
  • 00:01:22.140 --> 00:01:25.240
  • EVER BEEN IN IT ITSELF HISTORY.
  • 00:01:25.260 --> 00:01:27.190
  • JUST LAST YEAR WE LOST 47.000 LIVES TO
  • 00:01:27.210 --> 00:01:31.160
  • SUICIDE ALONE.
  • 00:01:31.180 --> 00:01:33.160
  • THE HIGHEST NUMBER IN 50 YEARS.
  • 00:01:33.180 --> 00:01:35.100
  • 70.000 AMERICANS DIED FROM DRUG OVERDOSE.
  • 00:01:35.120 --> 00:01:38.230
  • 88.000 WERE LOST TO ALCOHOL ADDICTION.
  • 00:01:38.250 --> 00:01:41.250
  • SELF-HARM HAS BECOME ALL TOO COMMON.
  • 00:01:41.270 --> 00:01:45.080
  • WHILE MANY SADLY HOLD A GUN TO THEIR HEAD, OTHERS
  • 00:01:45.100 --> 00:01:48.150
  • HOLD A BOTTLE INSTEAD.
  • 00:01:48.170 --> 00:01:51.040
  • SUICIDE IN SLOW MOTION.
  • 00:01:51.060 --> 00:01:55.050
  • DEPRESSION AND PAINFUL ADDICTIONS THAT ARE
  • 00:01:55.070 --> 00:01:57.100
  • TAKING AMERICANS OUT IN THE VERY PRIME OF THEIR LIVES.
  • 00:01:57.120 --> 00:02:02.030
  • [MUSIC]
  • 00:02:02.050 --> 00:02:10.270
  • [MUSIC]
  • 00:02:10.270 --> 00:02:18.130
  • - THE PROBLEM IS HUGE.
  • 00:02:18.150 --> 00:02:20.190
  • WE'RE STARTING TO GET SOME NEW STATISTICS THAT
  • 00:02:20.210 --> 00:02:22.180
  • ARE SHOWING, FIRST OF ALL, THAT OVERDOSE DEATHS
  • 00:02:22.200 --> 00:02:25.270
  • HAVE NOW OVERTAKEN MOTOR VEHICLE ACCIDENTS AS
  • 00:02:25.290 --> 00:02:28.280
  • THE LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH IN THE UNITED STATES.
  • 00:02:29.000 --> 00:02:32.050
  • WE'RE SEEING SPIKES IN SUICIDES, ESPECIALLY
  • 00:02:32.070 --> 00:02:35.060
  • AMONG WHITE MALES IN EARLY MIDDLE AGE AND
  • 00:02:35.080 --> 00:02:38.200
  • INTO THEIR 60'S.
  • 00:02:38.220 --> 00:02:40.060
  • THE PROBLEM IS HUGE.
  • 00:02:40.080 --> 00:02:43.060
  • [MUSIC]
  • 00:02:43.080 --> 00:02:47.260
  • - DEATH BY DESPAIR, I SPENT MANY YEARS WORKING
  • 00:02:47.280 --> 00:02:51.070
  • AS THE PRIMARY THERAPIST IN THE MEN'S RESIDENTIAL
  • 00:02:51.090 --> 00:02:53.270
  • TREATMENT CENTER.
  • 00:02:53.290 --> 00:02:55.280
  • AND ONE THING I SAW WAS A LOT OF MEN REALLY DID
  • 00:02:56.000 --> 00:02:59.080
  • START OUT WITH THE BEST INTENTIONS AND THE
  • 00:02:59.100 --> 00:03:01.210
  • BEST PLANS.
  • 00:03:01.230 --> 00:03:03.260
  • INEVITABLY THEY MAY HAVE AN ACCIDENT OR AN OLD
  • 00:03:03.280 --> 00:03:06.210
  • FOOTBALL INJURY OR NEEDS SHOULDER SURGERY, AND I
  • 00:03:06.230 --> 00:03:10.000
  • CAN'T TELL YOU THE NUMBER OF MEN FOR WHOM SOME TYPE
  • 00:03:10.020 --> 00:03:14.040
  • OF SURGERY BECAME THAT PORTAL THAT LED TO A
  • 00:03:14.060 --> 00:03:18.230
  • WHOLE OTHER WORLD OF ADDICTION.
  • 00:03:18.250 --> 00:03:20.280
  • AND THERE WAS THE DEEP SHAME.
  • 00:03:21.000 --> 00:03:22.290
  • THEY COULDN'T GET THROUGH IT.
  • 00:03:23.010 --> 00:03:25.060
  • YOU KNOW, ONCE SOMEONE BECOMES AN ADDICT OR AN
  • 00:03:25.080 --> 00:03:27.190
  • ALCOHOLIC, THERE'S NO GUARANTEES.
  • 00:03:27.210 --> 00:03:29.280
  • NO ONE KILLS THEMSELVES SLOWLY WITH DRUGS.
  • 00:03:30.000 --> 00:03:32.070
  • YOU GO FAST AND THEY USUALLY DON'T LAST LONG
  • 00:03:32.090 --> 00:03:36.190
  • OR IT'S SO MUCH MORE INTENSE.
  • 00:03:36.210 --> 00:03:38.240
  • ALCOHOL IS A MUCH SLOWER WAY TO GO.
  • 00:03:38.260 --> 00:03:43.060
  • JUST AS TRAGIC, BUT IT TAKES LONGER TIME.
  • 00:03:43.080 --> 00:03:46.070
  • THE ADDICTS GO A LOT QUICKER.
  • 00:03:46.090 --> 00:03:48.240
  • I'LL TELL YOU EVERY SINGLE ADDICT I'VE EVER
  • 00:03:48.260 --> 00:03:52.130
  • WORKED WITH IF HE OR SHE HAS NOT EVER
  • 00:03:52.150 --> 00:03:54.260
  • CONTEMPLATED SUICIDE I DON'T THINK THEY'RE TRUE
  • 00:03:54.280 --> 00:03:58.010
  • ALCOHOLICS AND ADDICTS BECAUSE OF THE STATE OF
  • 00:03:58.030 --> 00:04:00.090
  • THE AFFAIRS THEIR LIVES GET INTO.
  • 00:04:00.110 --> 00:04:02.290
  • I DON'T WANT TO SOUND LIKE I'M HARDENED BY IT,
  • 00:04:03.010 --> 00:04:05.180
  • BUT SUICIDE IT'S SO COMMON BECAUSE WHEN
  • 00:04:05.200 --> 00:04:10.020
  • SOMEONE IS ADDICTED THEY COULD LOOK AROUND AND SEE
  • 00:04:10.040 --> 00:04:13.070
  • THE PAIN AND THE HORROR, THE SORROW, THE
  • 00:04:13.090 --> 00:04:16.240
  • DESTRUCTION THAT THEY ARE ACTIVELY CREATING, AND TO
  • 00:04:16.260 --> 00:04:21.000
  • LIVE WITH THAT KIND OF PAIN ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU
  • 00:04:21.020 --> 00:04:23.270
  • HAVE CHILDREN IN THE MIX, YOU HAVE WIVES WHOSE
  • 00:04:23.290 --> 00:04:26.290
  • HEARTS ARE BROKEN, I MEAN, I CAN'T EVEN PUT A
  • 00:04:27.010 --> 00:04:30.110
  • NUMBER ON IT.
  • 00:04:30.130 --> 00:04:31.280
  • [GUNSHOT]
  • 00:04:32.000 --> 00:04:33.150
  • [MUSIC]
  • 00:04:33.170 --> 00:04:39.130
  • - I NEVER WANTED TO GET INTO THIS.
  • 00:04:39.150 --> 00:04:41.180
  • I NEVER WANTED TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH
  • 00:04:41.200 --> 00:04:43.160
  • ADDICTS, ALCOHOLICS, DRUG ADDICTS, ANYTHING TO DO
  • 00:04:43.180 --> 00:04:46.040
  • WITH ADDICTION.
  • 00:04:46.060 --> 00:04:47.260
  • MY FIRST HUSBAND WAS AN ALCOHOLIC.
  • 00:04:47.280 --> 00:04:49.260
  • IT DESTROYED OUR MARRIAGE AND OUR DAUGHTER.
  • 00:04:49.280 --> 00:04:53.230
  • IT WAS HORRIBLE AND SOMETHING I DIDN'T EVEN
  • 00:04:53.250 --> 00:04:56.240
  • SEE COMING.
  • 00:04:56.260 --> 00:04:58.120
  • HE WAS A FUNCTIONAL ALCOHOLIC, AND HE WAS
  • 00:04:58.140 --> 00:05:01.120
  • JUST THE SWEETEST, NICEST PERSON IN THE WORLD AND I
  • 00:05:01.140 --> 00:05:04.130
  • ADORED HIM, BUT THE ADDICTION BECAME SUCH
  • 00:05:04.150 --> 00:05:08.100
  • THAT IT WAS UNBEARABLE TO LIVE WITH.
  • 00:05:08.120 --> 00:05:12.180
  • HE DIDN'T WANT TO LET GO OF IT, AND IT EVENTUALLY
  • 00:05:12.200 --> 00:05:15.090
  • KILLED HIM.
  • 00:05:15.110 --> 00:05:16.260
  • MY DAUGHTER WAS ABOUT FIVE YEARS OLD.
  • 00:05:16.280 --> 00:05:19.110
  • HE WAS 36, AND HE TRIED TO DETOX HIMSELF.
  • 00:05:19.130 --> 00:05:23.020
  • WE HAD SEPARATED BY THAT TIME.
  • 00:05:23.040 --> 00:05:25.190
  • HE WAS SUPPOSED TO COME OUT FOR OUR DAUGHTER'S
  • 00:05:25.210 --> 00:05:28.060
  • BIRTHDAY AND NO ONE COULD GET HOLD OF HIM.
  • 00:05:28.080 --> 00:05:30.040
  • AND WHEN KNEW WHENEVER THERE WAS A TIME OF
  • 00:05:30.060 --> 00:05:32.150
  • ISOLATION OR A TIME WE COULDN'T REACH HIM
  • 00:05:32.170 --> 00:05:34.280
  • SOMETHING WAS VERY WRONG.
  • 00:05:35.000 --> 00:05:38.130
  • SO THE FAMILY FLEW OUT TO TEXAS TO GO FIND OUT WHAT
  • 00:05:38.150 --> 00:05:41.180
  • HAD HAPPENED AND THEY FOUND HIM.
  • 00:05:41.200 --> 00:05:43.250
  • HE WAS ALONE.
  • 00:05:43.270 --> 00:05:45.130
  • HE HAD TAKEN ALL THE ALCOHOL OUT OF THE HOUSE.
  • 00:05:45.150 --> 00:05:47.150
  • HE WAS TRYING TO DETOX HIMSELF.
  • 00:05:47.170 --> 00:05:49.190
  • HE WAS TRYING SO HARD TO GET HIS LIFE TOGETHER.
  • 00:05:49.210 --> 00:05:52.280
  • AND HE DIED.
  • 00:05:53.000 --> 00:05:54.150
  • HE HAD VOMITING.
  • 00:05:54.170 --> 00:05:58.170
  • HE DIED OF A RUPTURED ESOPHAGUS OF ALL THINGS,
  • 00:05:58.190 --> 00:06:01.180
  • AND THEY FOUND HIM ON THE FLOOR.
  • 00:06:01.200 --> 00:06:03.140
  • THEY HAD TO BREAK A WINDOW OPEN TO GET HIM.
  • 00:06:03.160 --> 00:06:05.060
  • [GLASS BREAKING]
  • 00:06:05.080 --> 00:06:06.150
  • - ADDICTION AND MENTAL ILLNESS GO HAND IN HAND,
  • 00:06:08.100 --> 00:06:12.280
  • AND YOU CAN'T TELL WHICH CAME FIRST.
  • 00:06:13.000 --> 00:06:15.150
  • IS IT THE MENTAL ILLNESS OR IS IT THE ADDICTION?
  • 00:06:15.170 --> 00:06:18.000
  • DEALING WITH AN ADDICTION IT'S A DISEASE THAT
  • 00:06:18.020 --> 00:06:22.130
  • CONSUMES A HUMAN BEING FROM THE INSIDE OUT.
  • 00:06:22.150 --> 00:06:26.060
  • WHAT CAN I DO ..
  • 00:06:26.080 --> 00:06:29.230
  • - IT'S A TOUGH DEAL. IT REALLY IS.
  • 00:06:29.250 --> 00:06:31.180
  • PEOPLE THAT HAVE DEPRESSION THAT'S WHERE
  • 00:06:31.200 --> 00:06:34.100
  • MOST SUICIDES THAT I'VE BEEN AROUND STARTS.
  • 00:06:34.120 --> 00:06:38.230
  • THEY ISOLATE.
  • 00:06:38.250 --> 00:06:40.200
  • AND THEY LET THEIR HEAD TALK TO THEM.
  • 00:06:40.220 --> 00:06:42.170
  • I DON'T MAKE ENOUGH MONEY.
  • 00:06:42.190 --> 00:06:44.270
  • I DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT GIRLFRIEND OR I DON'T
  • 00:06:44.290 --> 00:06:46.190
  • HAVE ONE.
  • 00:06:46.210 --> 00:06:48.130
  • YOU KNOW, LIFE IS JUST NOT WORTH LIVING.
  • 00:06:48.150 --> 00:06:50.170
  • I HAVE NO PURPOSE.
  • 00:06:50.190 --> 00:06:52.060
  • RESCUE ME ...
  • 00:06:52.080 --> 00:06:58.110
  • - I CAME TO AMERICA TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE
  • 00:06:59.040 --> 00:07:00.230
  • WITH MY MUSIC.
  • 00:07:00.250 --> 00:07:02.010
  • I'M A MUSICIAN.
  • 00:07:02.030 --> 00:07:03.080
  • I'M A SINGER SONGWRITER, AND I LOVE BEING WITH
  • 00:07:03.100 --> 00:07:05.220
  • PEOPLE AND SING SONGS AND MUSIC THAT BRINGS HOPE.
  • 00:07:05.240 --> 00:07:09.070
  • SO I MET THIS GUY CALLED DAVE, AND HE INVITED ME
  • 00:07:09.090 --> 00:07:11.080
  • DOWN TO HIS COMMUNITY WHICH IS A WHOLE LOT OF
  • 00:07:11.100 --> 00:07:14.200
  • PEOPLE LIKE ME, A LITTLE BROKEN AND YET
  • 00:07:14.220 --> 00:07:18.040
  • KIND OF NORMAL.
  • 00:07:18.060 --> 00:07:19.230
  • AND THAT'S THE THING, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE WHO ARE
  • 00:07:19.250 --> 00:07:22.060
  • STRUGGLING WITH ADDICTIONS WHETHER IT'S
  • 00:07:22.080 --> 00:07:24.160
  • DEPRESSION OR ALCOHOL OR DRUGS, THEY'RE
  • 00:07:24.180 --> 00:07:26.250
  • NORMAL PEOPLE.
  • 00:07:26.270 --> 00:07:28.130
  • AND IT'S THE MOST DELIGHTFUL EXPERIENCE FOR
  • 00:07:28.150 --> 00:07:30.010
  • ME, AND NOW REALLY I'M PART OF THEIR COMMUNITY.
  • 00:07:30.030 --> 00:07:32.010
  • AND IT'S MAYBE WHY I'M STILL HERE.
  • 00:07:32.030 --> 00:07:34.190
  • [MUSIC]
  • 00:07:34.210 --> 00:07:39.270
  • - JEFF WAS THAT GUY THAT KNOWS EVERYBODY IN TOWN
  • 00:07:39.290 --> 00:07:42.140
  • AND EVERYBODY LIKES JEFF.
  • 00:07:42.160 --> 00:07:44.110
  • EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE AROUND JEFF.
  • 00:07:44.130 --> 00:07:46.030
  • AND HE MADE PEOPLE FEEL SPECIAL EVEN IF YOU
  • 00:07:46.050 --> 00:07:50.070
  • DIDN'T FEEL SPECIAL.
  • 00:07:50.090 --> 00:07:52.030
  • AND I WAS PARTICULARLY DRAWN TO HIM BECAUSE OF
  • 00:07:52.050 --> 00:07:53.250
  • THE WAY HE HELPED MY SON WHO FELT LIKE AN
  • 00:07:53.270 --> 00:07:56.290
  • OUTSIDER, AND HE JEFF WOULD JUST HANG OUT
  • 00:07:57.010 --> 00:07:59.150
  • WITH HIM.
  • 00:07:59.170 --> 00:08:01.080
  • IT WAS MORE IMPORTANT TO BE WITH MY SON JAMES THAN
  • 00:08:01.100 --> 00:08:03.250
  • BE WITH THE PARTY.
  • 00:08:03.270 --> 00:08:05.070
  • HE WAS THAT GUY.
  • 00:08:05.090 --> 00:08:06.270
  • HE'S JUST SO SPECIAL.
  • 00:08:06.290 --> 00:08:09.290
  • - JEFF AND I GOT STARTED WORKING TOGETHER BECAUSE
  • 00:08:10.010 --> 00:08:12.140
  • I WAS PLAYING IN THIS BAND THAT WAS PLAYING FOR
  • 00:08:12.160 --> 00:08:14.140
  • THE RECOVERY COMMUNITY IN A CHURCH SETTING, AND
  • 00:08:14.160 --> 00:08:18.260
  • JEFF WAS MARRIED TO THE LEAD SINGER IN OUR GROUP.
  • 00:08:18.280 --> 00:08:23.260
  • HE WAS A HEROIN ADDICT.
  • 00:08:23.280 --> 00:08:25.120
  • HE WAS ABOUT NINE YEARS CLEAN AT THE TIME, AND HE
  • 00:08:25.140 --> 00:08:28.070
  • ASKED ME TO START TAKING ONE OF THE 12 STEPS EACH
  • 00:08:28.090 --> 00:08:31.260
  • MONTH AND TEACH THEM TO THE GROUP MIXING IN
  • 00:08:31.280 --> 00:08:36.110
  • SPIRITUAL COMPONENTS.
  • 00:08:36.130 --> 00:08:37.280
  • IT JUST CHANGED EVERYTHING FOR ME.
  • 00:08:38.000 --> 00:08:40.170
  • I FOUND A GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO WERE RIGHT AT THE
  • 00:08:40.190 --> 00:08:43.200
  • EDGE, AND THEY WERE PEOPLE WHO WERE ACTUALLY
  • 00:08:43.220 --> 00:08:46.010
  • CAPABLE OF CHANGE.
  • 00:08:46.030 --> 00:08:47.160
  • THEY HAD GOTTEN TO THE PLACE WHERE THEY WERE
  • 00:08:47.180 --> 00:08:49.130
  • COMPLETELY TRANSPARENT AND AUTHENTIC IN THEIR
  • 00:08:49.150 --> 00:08:51.180
  • LIVES, AND I JUST FELL IN LOVE.
  • 00:08:51.200 --> 00:08:54.070
  • AND IT TURNED OUT THAT THROUGH THAT EXPERIENCE
  • 00:08:54.090 --> 00:08:57.240
  • THESE PEOPLE BECAME MY BEST FRIENDS AND MY
  • 00:08:57.260 --> 00:08:59.130
  • PARTNERS FOR THE NEXT 15 YEARS.
  • 00:08:59.150 --> 00:09:01.200
  • THROUGH THAT, I GOT TO KNOW JEFF.
  • 00:09:01.220 --> 00:09:03.040
  • I GOT TO KNOW THE 12 STEPS.
  • 00:09:03.060 --> 00:09:04.150
  • I HAD TO BECOME EDUCATED IN ALL THIS.
  • 00:09:04.170 --> 00:09:06.090
  • AS WE WENT FORWARD, WE OPENED AN INTENSIVE
  • 00:09:06.110 --> 00:09:09.020
  • OUTPATIENT TREATMENT CENTER
  • 00:09:09.040 --> 00:09:10.230
  • AND THEN EVENTUALLY A FULL DETOX AND
  • 00:09:10.250 --> 00:09:12.190
  • RESIDENTIAL TREATMENT CENTER.
  • 00:09:12.210 --> 00:09:14.290
  • - JEFF, HE'S LARGER THAN LIFE.
  • 00:09:16.210 --> 00:09:18.120
  • HE'S OVERCOME HIS STUFF AND HE'S GOT HOPES AND
  • 00:09:18.140 --> 00:09:21.070
  • DREAMS, AND HE'S GOT DAVE WANTING TO START THIS
  • 00:09:21.090 --> 00:09:23.060
  • RECOVERY THING.
  • 00:09:23.080 --> 00:09:25.040
  • WELL DAVE, HE FALLS IN LOVE WITH PEOPLE.
  • 00:09:25.060 --> 00:09:27.020
  • HE FALLS IN LOVE WITH THIS RECOVERY COMMUNITY.
  • 00:09:27.040 --> 00:09:30.040
  • AND MARION IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH DAVE,
  • 00:09:30.060 --> 00:09:32.050
  • AND MARION IS NOT FALLING IN LOVE WITH
  • 00:09:32.070 --> 00:09:33.280
  • THE RECOVERY THING.
  • 00:09:34.000 --> 00:09:36.160
  • - DAVE WAS EVERYTHING THAT I EVER DREAMED OF
  • 00:09:37.240 --> 00:09:41.170
  • THAT I THOUGHT I HAD HAD WITH MY FIRST HUSBAND.
  • 00:09:41.190 --> 00:09:44.080
  • HE WAS JUST A BEAUTIFUL PERSON.
  • 00:09:44.100 --> 00:09:46.230
  • HE IS A BEAUTIFUL PERSON.
  • 00:09:46.250 --> 00:09:48.160
  • AND THE BEGINNING OF OUR MARRIAGE WAS NEWNESS AND
  • 00:09:48.180 --> 00:09:52.160
  • BEAUTY, AND HE ACCEPTED MY DAUGHTER AS HIS OWN,
  • 00:09:52.180 --> 00:09:54.210
  • AND IT WAS GREAT.
  • 00:09:54.230 --> 00:09:56.020
  • WE WERE BLENDING TWO FAMILIES. WE WERE HAPPY.
  • 00:09:56.040 --> 00:10:00.010
  • AND THEN MY HUSBAND FELL IN LOVE WITH THE RECOVERY
  • 00:10:00.030 --> 00:10:04.030
  • COMMUNITY, WHICH WAS A BLOW TO ME BECAUSE I
  • 00:10:04.050 --> 00:10:07.150
  • WANTED TO RUN AS FAR AWAY AS I COULD FROM ADDICTION.
  • 00:10:07.170 --> 00:10:10.220
  • I DIDN'T WANT TO BE AROUND ADDICTS.
  • 00:10:10.240 --> 00:10:12.120
  • I FELT THAT I HAD GONE ON WITH MY LIFE AND I WAS IN
  • 00:10:12.140 --> 00:10:15.130
  • A BETTER PLACE, AND IT ALMOST DESTROYED
  • 00:10:15.150 --> 00:10:18.120
  • ME IN THE BEGINNING.
  • 00:10:18.140 --> 00:10:20.070
  • I THOUGHT YOU KNOW ME AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN
  • 00:10:20.090 --> 00:10:22.190
  • THROUGH, AND YOU'VE SEEN WHAT IT'S DONE TO ME AND
  • 00:10:22.210 --> 00:10:25.110
  • TO MY DAUGHTER, AND THIS IS WHERE YOU'RE TAKING ME?
  • 00:10:25.130 --> 00:10:28.020
  • THIS IS THE PATH WE'RE ON RIGHT NOW?
  • 00:10:28.040 --> 00:10:30.000
  • I THOUGHT IT WAS A CRUEL JOKE HONESTLY.
  • 00:10:30.020 --> 00:10:34.210
  • AND THEN TO ADD TO THE CRUEL JOKE,
  • 00:10:34.230 --> 00:10:38.190
  • HE STARTS A RECOVERY COMMUNITY WITH TWO
  • 00:10:38.210 --> 00:10:41.050
  • RECOVERING ADDICTS.
  • 00:10:41.070 --> 00:10:43.120
  • HE'S THE ONE "NORMY" BETWEEN THE TWO ADDICTS.
  • 00:10:43.140 --> 00:10:47.100
  • [MUSIC]
  • 00:10:47.120 --> 00:10:54.040
  • WHEN I WAS UNLOVABLE...
  • 00:10:54.060 --> 00:10:56.240
  • LOVE FOUND ME...
  • 00:10:56.260 --> 00:11:00.020
  • - JEFF WAS THIS LARGER THAN LIFE FIGURE.
  • 00:11:00.040 --> 00:11:02.260
  • HE WOULD WALK INTO A ROOM AND JUST FILL IT.
  • 00:11:02.280 --> 00:11:05.150
  • HE WAS FULL OF ENERGY TO THE POINT OF ALMOST BEING
  • 00:11:05.170 --> 00:11:09.080
  • MANIC. HE ALWAYS HAD A PHONE AT HIS EAR BECAUSE
  • 00:11:09.100 --> 00:11:12.210
  • HE WAS TALKING TO EVERYBODY ALL AT ONCE.
  • 00:11:12.230 --> 00:11:15.060
  • HE NEVER STOPPED. HE WAS A WHIRLWIND.
  • 00:11:15.080 --> 00:11:18.120
  • - JEFF, OUR FRIEND, WAS SOMEBODY WHO ACTUALLY
  • 00:11:18.140 --> 00:11:22.010
  • HELPED ME FEEL OKAY ABOUT THE RECOVERY COMMUNITY.
  • 00:11:22.030 --> 00:11:26.020
  • HE WAS THE BUBBLIEST, MOST EXTROVERTED,
  • 00:11:26.040 --> 00:11:28.180
  • LOVING, SWEET PERSON.
  • 00:11:28.200 --> 00:11:31.090
  • HE WAS FULL OF LIFE.
  • 00:11:31.110 --> 00:11:33.240
  • JEFF COULD MAKE YOU LAUGH WITHIN 30 SECONDS OF
  • 00:11:33.260 --> 00:11:35.250
  • STANDING UP IN FRONT OF HIM.
  • 00:11:35.270 --> 00:11:37.110
  • HE LOVED TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH.
  • 00:11:37.130 --> 00:11:39.070
  • JEFF AND OUR FAMILY AND HIS WIFE,
  • 00:11:39.090 --> 00:11:42.010
  • WE ALL BECAME TRULY, WE JUST BECAME LIKE FAMILY.
  • 00:11:42.030 --> 00:11:46.130
  • WE WERE A FAMILY.
  • 00:11:46.150 --> 00:11:48.010
  • AND UM...
  • 00:11:48.030 --> 00:11:52.240
  • HIS LOSS WAS MORE THAN HEARTBREAKING.
  • 00:11:52.260 --> 00:11:59.050
  • UNCONDITIONAL...
  • 00:12:00.050 --> 00:12:03.220
  • LOVE...
  • 00:12:03.240 --> 00:12:07.200
  • - WELL, IT WAS JULY 4TH, AND MY WIFE AND I WERE AT
  • 00:12:13.010 --> 00:12:16.230
  • A RESTAURANT AT DINNER.
  • 00:12:16.250 --> 00:12:19.240
  • WE WERE WAITING FOR THE FIREWORKS TO START.
  • 00:12:19.260 --> 00:12:22.270
  • I GOT A PHONE CALL, AND THE PHONE CALL WAS
  • 00:12:22.290 --> 00:12:25.220
  • TELLING ME THAT SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH JEFF.
  • 00:12:25.240 --> 00:12:29.150
  • AND IT WAS HARD TO PUT THE PIECES TOGETHER AND
  • 00:12:29.170 --> 00:12:31.080
  • HARD TO PUT THE DETAILS TOGETHER,
  • 00:12:31.100 --> 00:12:32.220
  • BUT AS THE STORY STARTED TO KIND OF PLAY OUT,
  • 00:12:32.240 --> 00:12:36.180
  • WE REALIZED THAT HE HAD TAKEN A TRAM INTO MEXICO
  • 00:12:36.200 --> 00:12:41.020
  • AND PURCHASED DRUGS DOWN THERE AND THEY FOUND HIM
  • 00:12:41.040 --> 00:12:44.260
  • ON THE STREET. IT WAS DEVASTATING.
  • 00:12:44.280 --> 00:12:48.180
  • WHEN SOMEONE I THINK IS FINALLY TO THE POINT THAT
  • 00:12:48.200 --> 00:12:50.290
  • THEY'RE READY TO TAKE THEIR OWN LIFE,
  • 00:12:51.010 --> 00:12:52.240
  • THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT IT.
  • 00:12:52.260 --> 00:12:54.080
  • THEY DON'T CRY FOR HELP.
  • 00:12:54.100 --> 00:12:57.050
  • THEY DON'T TELEGRAPH ANYTHING.
  • 00:12:57.070 --> 00:12:58.260
  • THEIR MIND IS MADE UP AND THEY DO IT.
  • 00:12:58.280 --> 00:13:03.090
  • - SUICIDE IS A PART OF ADDICTIONS,
  • 00:13:03.110 --> 00:13:07.010
  • AND IT'S ALWAYS GONNA BE THERE AS LONG AS YOU HAVE
  • 00:13:07.030 --> 00:13:11.000
  • ALCOHOLICS AND ADDICTS.
  • 00:13:11.020 --> 00:13:12.270
  • I MEAN IF YOU ASK ME FOR AN OPINION OF WHY IT'S
  • 00:13:12.290 --> 00:13:14.220
  • HITTING THIS PARTICULAR AGE GROUP OF MEN BETWEEN
  • 00:13:14.240 --> 00:13:17.290
  • 40 AND 65, THE FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MY
  • 00:13:18.010 --> 00:13:21.180
  • MIND IS THEIR ABSOLUTE SENSE OF DISAPPOINTMENT
  • 00:13:21.200 --> 00:13:26.120
  • IN THEMSELVES. IT'S VERY PAINFUL.
  • 00:13:26.140 --> 00:13:30.180
  • THEY GIVE UP.
  • 00:13:30.200 --> 00:13:34.020
  • I BUILD A WALL...
  • 00:13:35.120 --> 00:13:40.110
  • I WILL NOT GET HURT AGAIN...
  • 00:13:40.130 --> 00:13:44.080
  • - JEFF'S DEATH JUST CREATED KIND OF A TSUNAMI
  • 00:13:44.100 --> 00:13:47.070
  • THROUGH OUR COMMUNITY AND THROUGH THE RECOVERY
  • 00:13:47.090 --> 00:13:50.100
  • COMMUNITY THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE SOUTH COUNTY AREA.
  • 00:13:50.120 --> 00:13:53.080
  • I THINK THE STATEMENT THAT I HEARD THE MOST
  • 00:13:53.100 --> 00:13:56.220
  • BECAUSE JEFF HAD SUCH A WIDE RANGING IMPACT WAS
  • 00:13:56.240 --> 00:13:59.220
  • "IF JEFF CAN WANT MAKE IT, HOW CAN I?"
  • 00:13:59.240 --> 00:14:03.030
  • IT WAS DEVASTATING FOR THEM TO SEE SOMEONE THAT
  • 00:14:03.050 --> 00:14:06.040
  • THEY ADMIRED SO MUCH COME TO THIS POINT IN HIS LIFE.
  • 00:14:06.060 --> 00:14:11.100
  • WHEN WE LOST JEFF, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS A HUGE
  • 00:14:11.120 --> 00:14:14.040
  • BLOW, WE HAD ENOUGH OF A COMMUNITY THERE THAT WE
  • 00:14:14.060 --> 00:14:17.070
  • WERE ABLE TO PICK UP THE SLACK.
  • 00:14:17.090 --> 00:14:20.200
  • PEOPLE REALLY WERE GETTING HELP AND THERE
  • 00:14:20.220 --> 00:14:22.290
  • WAS NO WAY WE WERE GOING TO STOP THAT,
  • 00:14:23.010 --> 00:14:25.020
  • THAT THIS WAS OF COURSE PART OF JEFF'S LEGACY AND
  • 00:14:25.040 --> 00:14:27.220
  • THAT WE HAD LEARNED SO MUCH FROM HIM IN THE
  • 00:14:27.240 --> 00:14:31.030
  • PROCESS OF THAT, SO WE SOLDIERED ON.
  • 00:14:31.050 --> 00:14:35.150
  • RESCUE ME...
  • 00:14:36.150 --> 00:14:39.020
  • - JEFF IS ABSOLUTELY LIVING ON THROUGH THE
  • 00:14:39.040 --> 00:14:41.020
  • WORK THAT WE'RE DOING, AND HIS NAME COMES UP ALWAYS.
  • 00:14:41.040 --> 00:14:46.070
  • THERE'S SO MANY PEOPLE WHO STILL KNOW HIM AND
  • 00:14:46.090 --> 00:14:48.170
  • REMEMBER HIM, AND THERE'S A SENSE THAT HE IS
  • 00:14:48.190 --> 00:14:51.170
  • PRESENT IN OUR ROOMS AND IN OUR INTERACTIONS
  • 00:14:51.190 --> 00:14:55.180
  • WITH EACH OTHER.
  • 00:14:55.200 --> 00:14:57.160
  • RESCUE ME...
  • 00:14:57.180 --> 00:15:03.280
  • - LET'S FACE IT, NOBODY PREPARES YOU
  • 00:15:06.180 --> 00:15:08.060
  • FOR MIDDLE AGE.
  • 00:15:08.080 --> 00:15:09.220
  • YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND YOU'RE 50 OR 60.
  • 00:15:09.240 --> 00:15:11.270
  • THINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT LIKE YOU'D PLANNED
  • 00:15:11.290 --> 00:15:14.070
  • SO WHAT DO YOU DO?
  • 00:15:14.090 --> 00:15:15.220
  • YOU MEDICATE.
  • 00:15:15.240 --> 00:15:17.230
  • MARIJUANA, OPIOIDS, ALCOHOL.
  • 00:15:17.250 --> 00:15:21.010
  • FILLING A HOLE THAT IT CAN'T REALLY FILL.
  • 00:15:21.030 --> 00:15:24.220
  • IT'S SUICIDE IN SLOW MOTION.
  • 00:15:24.240 --> 00:15:27.230
  • - UNFORTUNATELY IN THE LAST FEW YEARS,
  • 00:15:27.250 --> 00:15:29.110
  • I'VE SEEN FRIENDS WHO CONSCIOUSLY SEPARATE
  • 00:15:29.130 --> 00:15:33.200
  • THEMSELF FROM THIS HIGHER POWER,
  • 00:15:33.220 --> 00:15:37.020
  • AND THEY SEEM TO GO INTO A DARKER ROOM.
  • 00:15:37.040 --> 00:15:39.160
  • AND I BELIEVE IT'S TRULY CONSCIOUS.
  • 00:15:39.180 --> 00:15:42.070
  • AS THEY GO INTO THIS ROOM,
  • 00:15:42.090 --> 00:15:43.210
  • IT GETS DARKER AND DARKER UNTIL THEY REALLY CAN'T
  • 00:15:43.230 --> 00:15:46.290
  • FIND THEIR WAY OUT.
  • 00:15:47.010 --> 00:15:48.220
  • I ALMOST THINK THAT THEY REACH A POINT WHERE THE
  • 00:15:48.240 --> 00:15:51.160
  • HOPE THEY HAVE IS THAT THE NEXT LIFE WOULD BE AN
  • 00:15:51.180 --> 00:15:54.080
  • IMPROVEMENT ON THE PRESENT AND UNFORTUNATELY
  • 00:15:54.100 --> 00:15:57.070
  • IT'S TAKEN WAY TOO MANY OF MY FRIENDS,
  • 00:15:57.090 --> 00:15:59.170
  • AND IT CAN BE MEDICALLY INDUCED BY THE USE OF
  • 00:15:59.190 --> 00:16:03.260
  • ALCOHOL AND DRUGS, WHICH IS A SLOW WAY OF DYING.
  • 00:16:03.280 --> 00:16:08.010
  • IT'S NOT AS ABRUPT AS PUTTING A GUN UNDER YOUR
  • 00:16:08.030 --> 00:16:09.290
  • CHIN, BUT THE END IS JUST AS DEFINITE.
  • 00:16:10.010 --> 00:16:13.250
  • IT WILL TAKE YOUR LIFE, AND IT WILL DESTROY
  • 00:16:13.270 --> 00:16:16.150
  • THOSE ABOUT YOU.
  • 00:16:16.170 --> 00:16:19.200
  • - LENNY WAS ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE LARGER THAN LIFE
  • 00:16:25.100 --> 00:16:27.160
  • CHARACTERS THAT LOVES PEOPLE.
  • 00:16:27.180 --> 00:16:30.120
  • AFTER OVERCOMING ALL HIS OWN ADDICTIONS HE STARTS
  • 00:16:30.140 --> 00:16:33.170
  • HELPING PEOPLE EVERYWHERE AND HE FINDS A GIRL,
  • 00:16:33.190 --> 00:16:37.110
  • THE GIRL FALLS IN LOVE WITH HIM,
  • 00:16:37.130 --> 00:16:38.180
  • HE FALLS IN LOVE WITH HER AND HE'S HELPING
  • 00:16:38.200 --> 00:16:39.280
  • EVERYBODY BUT HE FORGETS TO HELP HIMSELF.
  • 00:16:40.000 --> 00:16:44.260
  • - HE HAD THIS HUGE PERSONALITY,
  • 00:16:44.280 --> 00:16:47.250
  • I MEAN JUST A HUGE PERSONALITY.
  • 00:16:47.270 --> 00:16:51.070
  • HE WAS VERY OUT LOUD.
  • 00:16:51.090 --> 00:16:54.070
  • HE WAS A BIG GUY, 6'-3, HAD A LOUD VOICE,
  • 00:16:54.090 --> 00:16:57.250
  • BUT HE HAD A HYSTERICAL FUNNY PERSONALITY,
  • 00:16:57.270 --> 00:17:02.070
  • BUT IT WAS NATURAL.
  • 00:17:02.090 --> 00:17:05.050
  • HE HAD JUST TURNED 55 A FEW DAYS BEFORE HE DIED,
  • 00:17:05.070 --> 00:17:08.130
  • AND HE FELT LIKE THERE WAS JUST SO MANY THINGS
  • 00:17:08.150 --> 00:17:14.020
  • HE COULDN'T DO, THAT HE WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH,
  • 00:17:14.040 --> 00:17:18.240
  • THAT HE WAS JUST KIND OF A FAILURE.
  • 00:17:18.260 --> 00:17:23.150
  • WHEN WE MET, HE HAD BEEN IN RECOVERY FOR
  • 00:17:23.170 --> 00:17:25.110
  • ABOUT FIFTEEN YEARS.
  • 00:17:25.130 --> 00:17:28.030
  • IN THAT TIME, HE HAD WORKED WITHIN SOME
  • 00:17:28.050 --> 00:17:31.130
  • TREATMENT CENTERS AND HE HAD GONE THROUGH ONE.
  • 00:17:31.150 --> 00:17:35.040
  • THE LAST YEAR HE WORKED BACK IN THE RECOVERY MINISTRY.
  • 00:17:35.060 --> 00:17:39.260
  • I TALKED TO SOME OF HIS CLIENTS AND THE IMPACT HE
  • 00:17:39.280 --> 00:17:43.250
  • HAD ON THEM, AND HE WAS JUST SO AFRAID HE WAS
  • 00:17:43.270 --> 00:17:46.240
  • GONNA MESS SOMETHING UP AND NOT DO IT
  • 00:17:46.260 --> 00:17:48.230
  • WELL ENOUGH OR RIGHT.
  • 00:17:48.250 --> 00:17:52.100
  • SORRY IF I SEEM A LITTLE DISTANT...
  • 00:17:52.120 --> 00:17:57.170
  • MY MIND IS FAR AWAY...
  • 00:17:57.190 --> 00:18:02.150
  • - BUT NOW I REALIZE THAT HE DIDN'T WANT ME AROUND
  • 00:18:02.170 --> 00:18:06.080
  • HIM DURING THOSE DOWN SWINGS SO HE WOULD,
  • 00:18:06.100 --> 00:18:10.000
  • HE WAS STILL GOING TO MEETINGS BUT HE WOULD
  • 00:18:10.020 --> 00:18:11.220
  • KIND OF ISOLATE.
  • 00:18:11.250 --> 00:18:13.260
  • SO ON MY BIRTHDAY THAT YEAR,
  • 00:18:13.280 --> 00:18:15.280
  • I CAME HOME AFTER AN EXHAUSTING DAY AND WALKED
  • 00:18:16.000 --> 00:18:19.040
  • IN MY PLACE AND HE HAD LEFT A DOZEN ROSES,
  • 00:18:19.060 --> 00:18:23.070
  • RED ROSES FOR ME AND A GIFT CARD FOR A MASSAGE
  • 00:18:23.090 --> 00:18:26.260
  • AND AN ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL BIRTHDAY CARD.
  • 00:18:26.280 --> 00:18:29.270
  • IT WAS JUST LIKE OH, MY GOSH.
  • 00:18:29.290 --> 00:18:34.120
  • I HAVE THE BEST BOYFRIEND ON THE PLANET.
  • 00:18:34.140 --> 00:18:38.110
  • AND I FOUND OUT LATER, WHEN THE FAMILY WAS GOING
  • 00:18:38.130 --> 00:18:43.100
  • THROUGH HIS HOUSE, GOING THROUGH THE THINGS, THAT
  • 00:18:43.120 --> 00:18:46.060
  • THEY FOUND A RECEIPT FOR THE GUN HE HAD BOUGHT,
  • 00:18:46.080 --> 00:18:52.140
  • AND HE HAD BOUGHT THAT THE MORNING
  • 00:18:52.160 --> 00:18:53.290
  • AFTER MY BIRTHDAY.
  • 00:18:54.010 --> 00:18:57.260
  • SO AT THAT POINT, I'M GOING, OKAY, WHAT?
  • 00:18:57.280 --> 00:19:01.110
  • THIS WAS YOUR GOODBYE TO ME?
  • 00:19:01.130 --> 00:19:03.160
  • YOU THOUGHT THIS WOULD WORK?
  • 00:19:03.180 --> 00:19:05.150
  • THIS WOULD BE GOOD. WE'LL BUY HER A MASSAGE.
  • 00:19:05.170 --> 00:19:08.220
  • SHE'LL PROBABLY NEED IT AFTER THAT.
  • 00:19:08.240 --> 00:19:12.060
  • AND LOOKING AT THAT CARD, READING IT AND TRYING TO
  • 00:19:12.080 --> 00:19:17.240
  • MAKE SENSE OF IT, AND REALLY BEING ANGRY
  • 00:19:17.260 --> 00:19:21.190
  • AT HIM OF SERIOUSLY?
  • 00:19:21.210 --> 00:19:25.270
  • YOU'D DO THIS FOR ME AND THEN YOU BUY
  • 00:19:25.290 --> 00:19:29.140
  • A GUN THE NEXT DAY?
  • 00:19:29.160 --> 00:19:31.120
  • IN ANOTHER TIME AND SPACE...
  • 00:19:31.140 --> 00:19:36.190
  • SOMEBODY JUST LIKE ME IS TAKING MY PLACE...
  • 00:19:36.210 --> 00:19:44.060
  • [MUSIC]
  • 00:19:44.080 --> 00:19:51.230
  • - HIS BIRTHDAY IS THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS, AND
  • 00:19:51.250 --> 00:19:55.060
  • WHEN I SAW HIM THAT DAY, HE REALLY LOOKED LIKE CRAP.
  • 00:19:55.080 --> 00:20:00.190
  • I REMEMBER CALLING OUR PASTOR DAVE WHO'S ALSO A
  • 00:20:00.210 --> 00:20:05.170
  • VERY DEAR FRIEND, AND HE WAS A DEAR FRIEND TO
  • 00:20:05.190 --> 00:20:08.130
  • LENNY, AND SAYING, I'M CONCERNED.
  • 00:20:08.150 --> 00:20:13.290
  • HE'S NOT IN A GOOD PLACE, AND I'M WORRIED.
  • 00:20:14.010 --> 00:20:17.140
  • AND THE HURT INSIDE WAS COMFORT TO ME...
  • 00:20:17.160 --> 00:20:25.250
  • - I THINK THE DEPRESSION WAS TOO GREAT.
  • 00:20:25.270 --> 00:20:27.260
  • HE TOLD ME, HE WENT DOWN TO GO BUY A GUN.
  • 00:20:27.280 --> 00:20:31.260
  • BUT I KNEW IN MY HEART THIS POISON WOULD KILL ME
  • 00:20:31.280 --> 00:20:39.120
  • IN THE END...
  • 00:20:39.140 --> 00:20:41.120
  • - I GOT A PHONE CALL FROM HIS ROOMMATE, AND
  • 00:20:41.140 --> 00:20:45.100
  • THE POLICE HAD CALLED HIM AND SAID WE NEED YOU NEED
  • 00:20:45.120 --> 00:20:48.210
  • TO COME IDENTIFY THE BODY, AND SO HE DID.
  • 00:20:48.230 --> 00:20:56.010
  • AND HE CALLED ME ON THE PHONE, AND HE WAS IN
  • 00:20:56.030 --> 00:20:59.180
  • TEARS, AND WE CRIED.
  • 00:20:59.200 --> 00:21:02.050
  • AND IT LEFT A HOLE BECAUSE HE KILLED
  • 00:21:02.070 --> 00:21:10.180
  • THE WRONG PERSON.
  • 00:21:10.200 --> 00:21:13.200
  • THAT MAN HAD SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.
  • 00:21:13.220 --> 00:21:19.100
  • - YOU KNOW, WHEN THEY CALLED ME, I HAD 45
  • 00:21:19.120 --> 00:21:21.200
  • MINUTES TO GET GLOVES AND BLEACH.
  • 00:21:21.220 --> 00:21:24.050
  • I KNEW WHAT I WAS GOING TO SMELL.
  • 00:21:24.070 --> 00:21:26.240
  • I KNEW WHAT I WAS GOING TO SEE.
  • 00:21:26.260 --> 00:21:29.070
  • I'D SEEN IT TOO MANY TIMES BEFORE.
  • 00:21:29.090 --> 00:21:32.060
  • BUT LENNY'S CASE WAS ESPECIALLY POIGNANT IN
  • 00:21:32.080 --> 00:21:36.150
  • THAT IT WAS A CHAIR FACING A CLOSED GARAGE
  • 00:21:36.170 --> 00:21:40.280
  • DOOR WITH OVERFLOWING ASHTRAYS ON EITHER
  • 00:21:41.000 --> 00:21:44.190
  • SIDE AND A PISTOL ON THE FLOOR.
  • 00:21:44.210 --> 00:21:51.090
  • HE MUST HAVE STARED FOR DAYS AT A CLOSED GARAGE
  • 00:21:51.110 --> 00:21:55.100
  • DOOR UNABLE OR UNWILLING TO PICK UP THE PHONE TO
  • 00:21:55.120 --> 00:22:01.280
  • ALL THOSE ABOUT HIM WHO KNEW HE WAS IN TROUBLE.
  • 00:22:02.000 --> 00:22:07.230
  • I WISH I'D BEEN ABLE TO BREAK THAT DOOR DOWN.
  • 00:22:07.250 --> 00:22:11.050
  • I WAS TOO SLOW.
  • 00:22:11.070 --> 00:22:14.120
  • - AT HIS MEMORIAL, THERE WERE OVER 400 PEOPLE.
  • 00:22:14.140 --> 00:22:20.210
  • I MEAN, IT WAS MASSIVE THE AMOUNT OF LIVES
  • 00:22:20.230 --> 00:22:23.160
  • HE TOUCHED, THE AMOUNT OF
  • 00:22:23.180 --> 00:22:25.170
  • HELP AND ENCOURAGEMENT HE PROVIDED FOR PEOPLE,
  • 00:22:25.190 --> 00:22:28.250
  • THE HOPE THAT HE PROVIDED FOR THEM.
  • 00:22:28.270 --> 00:22:34.040
  • AND YET, IN HIS SUICIDE NOTE, HIS NOTE SAID, "I
  • 00:22:34.060 --> 00:22:39.140
  • HAVE NO HOPE." I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT
  • 00:22:39.160 --> 00:22:42.260
  • HAPPENS, THAT YOU CAN GIVE SO MANY PEOPLE SO
  • 00:22:42.280 --> 00:22:46.080
  • MUCH HOPE, BUT NOT EXPERIENCE IT
  • 00:22:46.100 --> 00:22:51.040
  • YOURSELF FOR YOURSELF.
  • 00:22:51.060 --> 00:22:53.080
  • [MUSIC]
  • 00:22:53.100 --> 00:23:02.130
  • - IF I WERE TALKING TO SOMEONE WHO IS IN THIS
  • 00:23:02.150 --> 00:23:04.250
  • POSITION, WHERE THEY HAVE NO HOPE, NO WAY TO MAKE
  • 00:23:04.270 --> 00:23:08.230
  • THE HURTING STOP, THE THING THAT I WOULD TELL
  • 00:23:08.250 --> 00:23:11.130
  • THEM FIRST AND FOREMOST IS TALK TO SOMEBODY.
  • 00:23:11.150 --> 00:23:15.160
  • TELL THEM WHAT'S GOING ON.
  • 00:23:15.180 --> 00:23:17.230
  • CONNECT WITH SOMEBODY. REESTABLISH HUMAN CONNECTION.
  • 00:23:17.250 --> 00:23:21.210
  • - THE ONLY WAY PEOPLE STAY WELL IS WHEN THERE'S
  • 00:23:21.230 --> 00:23:23.250
  • SOCIAL, SOBER SUPPORT, AND THERE'S RELATIONSHIPS
  • 00:23:23.270 --> 00:23:27.260
  • OR THERE'S ACCOUNTABILITY.
  • 00:23:27.280 --> 00:23:29.170
  • THEY NEED SPONSORS, THEY NEED MEETINGS.
  • 00:23:29.190 --> 00:23:31.200
  • - ALL THE SUPPORT THAT I GOT FROM MY FRIENDS, FROM
  • 00:23:31.220 --> 00:23:34.050
  • THE GRIEF GROUPS, FROM NINA, MY GRIEF COUNSELOR,
  • 00:23:34.070 --> 00:23:38.230
  • THEY WERE THE ONLY THINGS THAT GOT ME THROUGH THIS.
  • 00:23:38.250 --> 00:23:41.080
  • I WOULD NOT HAVE MADE IT.
  • 00:23:41.100 --> 00:23:45.250
  • - EVERYBODY YOU MET TODAY ARE PART
  • 00:23:45.270 --> 00:23:48.100
  • OF THE SAME COMMUNITY.
  • 00:23:48.120 --> 00:23:50.130
  • THEY CAME TOGETHER WHATEVER NEED THEY HAVE,
  • 00:23:50.150 --> 00:23:52.230
  • BUT THEY FOUND LOVE, AND THAT'S WHAT A COMMUNITY DOES.
  • 00:23:52.250 --> 00:23:56.080
  • THAT'S WHAT A HEALTHY COMMUNITY DOES.
  • 00:23:56.100 --> 00:23:58.070
  • AND IF YOU'RE NOT IN COMMUNITY, THEN I
  • 00:23:58.090 --> 00:24:00.020
  • IMPLORE YOU GO AND FIND ONE, GO AND JOIN.
  • 00:24:00.040 --> 00:24:02.210
  • BECOME PART OF SOMETHING, AND IF YOU THINK OF
  • 00:24:02.230 --> 00:24:04.200
  • SOMEBODY RIGHT NOW THAT NEEDS HELP, THEN REACH
  • 00:24:04.220 --> 00:24:07.100
  • OUT AND CALL THEM.
  • 00:24:07.120 --> 00:24:09.060
  • YOU MAY JUST SAVE SOMEBODY'S LIFE.
  • 00:24:09.080 --> 00:24:12.010
  • EVEN WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN, I NEVER THINK...
  • 00:24:12.030 --> 00:24:17.090
  • - ALTHOUGH WE LOST LENNY AND JEFF, THEY LIVE ON
  • 00:24:17.110 --> 00:24:19.050
  • THROUGH THE LIVES OF THE PEOPLE THEY TOUCHED.
  • 00:24:19.070 --> 00:24:21.220
  • A COMMUNITY THAT THEY STARTED IS SUCH A
  • 00:24:21.240 --> 00:24:24.050
  • FLOURISHING COMMUNITY.
  • 00:24:24.070 --> 00:24:26.120
  • IT GOES ON AND ON AND ON, AND SO WE CELEBRATE
  • 00:24:26.140 --> 00:24:29.130
  • LENNY AND JEFF WHEREVER YOU ARE.
  • 00:24:29.150 --> 00:24:32.010
  • WE HOLD ON...
  • 00:24:32.030 --> 00:24:37.030
  • - IT'S A SMALL RECOVERY CHURCH.
  • 00:24:37.050 --> 00:24:39.210
  • THEY'RE A COMMUNITY OF PEOPLE, THOUGH.
  • 00:24:39.230 --> 00:24:42.060
  • OUR PASTOR BELIEVES EVERYONE'S IN
  • 00:24:42.080 --> 00:24:44.220
  • RECOVERY FROM SOMETHING.
  • 00:24:44.240 --> 00:24:46.170
  • SO REALLY, IT ENCOMPASSES EVERYBODY.
  • 00:24:46.190 --> 00:24:50.180
  • - WE NEED TO CONNECT WITH SOMEONE.
  • 00:24:50.200 --> 00:24:52.160
  • FROM THAT POINT, A LOT OF THINGS CAN HAPPEN, BUT
  • 00:24:52.180 --> 00:24:55.080
  • YOUR WILLINGNESS TO BE VULNERABLE AGAIN IS YOUR
  • 00:24:55.100 --> 00:24:58.240
  • ENTRE' INTO SOMETHING THAT YOU NEVER SAW COMING
  • 00:24:58.260 --> 00:25:01.240
  • AND THE CHANCE FOR HEALING THAT YOU DIDN'T
  • 00:25:01.260 --> 00:25:03.170
  • THINK WAS POSSIBLE.
  • 00:25:03.190 --> 00:25:06.250
  • - IT'S A PLACE THAT YOU CAN BE VERY AUTHENTIC AND
  • 00:25:06.270 --> 00:25:09.240
  • REAL AND VULNERABLE AND BE YOURSELF.
  • 00:25:09.260 --> 00:25:15.260
  • - WE WERE ALL CREATED FOR COMMUNITY.
  • 00:25:15.280 --> 00:25:17.260
  • IT'S THE NATURAL THING IN US.
  • 00:25:17.280 --> 00:25:19.200
  • IF WE ISOLATE AND WE PULL AWAY, WE DIE.
  • 00:25:19.220 --> 00:25:21.190
  • IT'S JUST HOW IT IS.
  • 00:25:21.210 --> 00:25:23.200
  • BUT FOR YEARS NOW, I WAS DOING THESE PARTIES,
  • 00:25:23.220 --> 00:25:26.100
  • PEOPLE'S BACKYARDS, TRYING TO CREATE LITTLE
  • 00:25:26.120 --> 00:25:29.280
  • COMMUNITIES WITH MUSIC AND FOOD AND JUST
  • 00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:33.020
  • SOMETHING HAPPENS WHEN PEOPLE COME TOGETHER.
  • 00:25:33.040 --> 00:25:35.010
  • AND SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD DO THAT, YOU KNOW?
  • 00:25:35.030 --> 00:25:37.130
  • MAYBE YOU SHOULD INVITE SOME FRIENDS AROUND.
  • 00:25:37.150 --> 00:25:39.060
  • YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A MUSICIAN OR AN ARTIST OR
  • 00:25:39.080 --> 00:25:41.160
  • EVEN A GOOD COOK.
  • 00:25:41.180 --> 00:25:43.100
  • JUST INVITE PEOPLE AROUND AND IT'S AMAZING
  • 00:25:43.120 --> 00:25:44.270
  • WHAT CAN HAPPEN.
  • 00:25:44.290 --> 00:25:46.220
  • [MUSIC]
  • 00:25:46.240 --> 00:25:49.040
  • - PROGRAMS LIKE THIS, MOVEMENTS LIKE THIS, BRING
  • 00:25:49.060 --> 00:25:53.180
  • AWARENESS TO THE FACT THAT WE'RE NOT ALL WHAT
  • 00:25:53.200 --> 00:25:57.030
  • WE SEEM. THERE'S TWO OF US.
  • 00:25:57.050 --> 00:26:00.280
  • THERE'S THE ONE WE WANT TO SEE OUR JOKING AROUND,
  • 00:26:01.000 --> 00:26:04.080
  • AND THEN THERE'S THE FELLOW THAT GOES
  • 00:26:04.100 --> 00:26:05.290
  • IN AND CLOSES THE DOOR.
  • 00:26:06.010 --> 00:26:08.210
  • THAT PERSON SOMETIMES DOESN'T FEEL HE HAS
  • 00:26:08.230 --> 00:26:10.160
  • ANYBODY TO CALL, ANYONE TO TALK TO.
  • 00:26:10.180 --> 00:26:14.070
  • PROGRAMS LIKE THIS, MOVEMENTS LIKE THIS, ALLOW
  • 00:26:14.090 --> 00:26:17.160
  • THAT PERSON TO KNOW THAT HE IS NEVER, EVER ALONE.
  • 00:26:17.180 --> 00:26:22.220
  • UNCONDITIONAL LOVE...
  • 00:26:22.240 --> 00:26:32.040
  • - PUT DOWN THE PISTOL, WALK WITH ME TO THE BEACH.
  • 00:26:32.060 --> 00:26:37.190
  • WE DON'T NEED TO TALK.
  • 00:26:37.210 --> 00:26:40.060
  • WE JUST NEED TO LOOK.
  • 00:26:40.080 --> 00:26:42.290
  • THIS ALL DIDN'T JUST HAPPEN.
  • 00:26:43.010 --> 00:26:45.150
  • THIS IS WORTH SEEING.
  • 00:26:45.170 --> 00:26:47.240
  • WALT DISNEY, HIS WHOLE MANTRA WAS "DO SOMETHING
  • 00:26:47.260 --> 00:26:51.190
  • SO WELL THAT PEOPLE WANT TO COME BACK AND WATCH
  • 00:26:51.210 --> 00:26:55.100
  • YOU DO IT AGAIN." WELL, THAT'S WHAT GOD HAS DONE.
  • 00:26:55.120 --> 00:27:00.040
  • HE'S DONE SOMETHING SO WELL THAT WE WANT TO COME
  • 00:27:00.060 --> 00:27:03.200
  • BACK AND SEE IT AGAIN.
  • 00:27:03.220 --> 00:27:07.050
  • UNCONDITIONAL LOVE...
  • 00:27:07.070 --> 00:27:14.190
  • [MUSIC]
  • 00:27:14.210 --> 00:27:24.200