Understanding Strengths | TBN

Understanding Strengths

Watch Understanding Strengths
February 12, 2018
27:30

Strengths Based Marriage with Jimmy Evans & Allan Kelsey

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Understanding Strengths

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  • - Since the beginning of time,
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  • marriage has been the foundation of society,
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  • and one of the secrets of success in marriage
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  • is you don't have to marry the perfect person
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  • who's just like you.
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  • - Yeah, you see, God has created each of us
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  • with a unique set of strengths,
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  • that when celebrated rather than stifled,
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  • can unlock the true potential of your marriage.
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  • In Strengths Based Marriage,
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  • we've drawn from more than 50 years of research
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  • from the Gallup Institute combined with over 35 years
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  • of experience in marriage counseling
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  • to develop an incredibly exciting resource
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  • that can literally revolutionize your relationship
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  • and prepare you for a lifetime of passion and intimacy,
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  • and we can't wait to share it with you.
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  • - That's right, when you learn to recognize and focus
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  • on the strengths of your spouse,
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  • you'll be able to celebrate what's right about them
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  • and value their God-given differences, not resent them.
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  • So join us on this journey to explore how implementing
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  • a Strengths Based Marriage can bring you closer together
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  • than ever before with your spouse.
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  • - [Narrator] Dr. Donald O. Clifton
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  • was a forerunner in positive psychology.
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  • Through his research, he identified 34 universal strengths
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  • that exist within each individual.
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  • Working with Gallup, he developed
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  • the Strengths Finder Assessment,
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  • which reveals how our unique order of strengths
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  • affect the way we engage with the world around us,
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  • influencing our thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
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  • Thousands of businesses, teams, and churches
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  • have harnessed this strengths-based approach to interacting,
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  • resulting in stronger relationships and greater performance.
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  • So what happens when you apply these same ideas
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  • to your own personal relationships, or even your marriage?
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  • On this journey, you will discover
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  • how to thrive in your strengths,
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  • recognize the positive traits in your partner,
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  • and develop your own strengths-based marriage.
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  • (upbeat music)
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  • - So if you're like me,
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  • you're probably wondering to some degree,
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  • why does this strengths thing matter to me?
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  • I mean, you're saying that it could help our marriage,
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  • I get that, but you got to sell me first,
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  • and I'm right there with you.
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  • Part of what I truly value is this idea of
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  • bringing the sciences and the things we can prove
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  • up to stand underneath our theology
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  • and the things that we believe.
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  • And so do you know why it matters to you?
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  • Because God said that you are his handiwork.
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  • This is what Ephesians 2:10 says,
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  • you are his handiwork, made in Christ Jesus for good works,
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  • which he prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.
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  • So let's just unpack that for a second,
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  • because this scripture, I'm telling you.
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  • This scripture, it reveals God's intent for you and I.
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  • We are his handiwork.
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  • That's the Greek word poiema,
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  • it literally means masterpiece.
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  • It's the idea that God spent three and a half years
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  • just working on the bridge of your nose
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  • to make it exactly right,
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  • and when he stood back and looked at the picture
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  • and just really felt comfortable about how it looked,
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  • he just broke the brushes, tossed them aside,
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  • slid the easel over, got a new one,
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  • and started all over again.
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  • This concept that we are his handiwork, his masterpiece,
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  • means that, it's like you and I, we are the Mona Lisa.
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  • I mean, think about that.
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  • There's only one of you,
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  • and it is so ridiculously rare, it's irreplaceable.
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  • I mean the value of that is, it's without compare.
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  • So we are his handiwork,
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  • and then he says that there is this place
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  • where our Christian-ness, our build, our creation,
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  • has its rightful place, and it's in Christ Jesus.
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  • And then it comes, and that we are made for good works,
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  • which he prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.
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  • So how do we get made for good works,
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  • and what does that even look like?
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  • Are we really set up for success in the world,
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  • and if God is saying so,
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  • then alright, maybe I dare to believe that.
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  • Maybe I take him at his word.
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  • After all, isn't that what the Bible says,
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  • that without faith it's impossible to please him?
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  • So yeah, alright, I'll step out in faith
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  • and I'll believe that you say that I am a masterpiece
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  • and I have something unbelievably important
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  • to contribute to the world,
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  • how am I supposed to find that out?
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  • Well it's a great question.
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  • The University of Nebraska was involved
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  • in one of these assessments really early,
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  • and in the mid-50s, this university
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  • invited the dean of the psychology department
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  • to do an assessment on all the freshman students that year
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  • to see how well they would read,
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  • and the main issue was we want to test and read,
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  • and maintain or retain your reading at an 80% level,
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  • and most of the students
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  • were reading about 90 words a minute.
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  • So I have an example over here that I want to show you.
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  • So 90 words a minute's about a half or a third of a page,
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  • and retaining 80% of what they've read.
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  • Now in this jar right here are 90 M&Ms.
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  • So you get a sense of how fast they're reading.
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  • Reading 90 words a minute,
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  • retaining 80% of what they've read.
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  • Then there was another group of people
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  • who were reading and could read a little bit faster,
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  • they were retaining 350 words a minute,
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  • or getting to remember and process 350 words a minute.
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  • Really good starting point,
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  • but then the psychologists decided we want to
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  • put all these students through a speed reading course
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  • and test them again at the end and see how they do.
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  • And so they trained them for six weeks,
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  • all of them, the entire freshman class.
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  • And then got to the end, and processed them again
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  • through a speed reading assessment
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  • to see how fast they could read,
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  • and if they were still remembering
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  • 80% of what they had read.
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  • The results were fascinating.
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  • These students who had read 90 words a minute
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  • improved to 140 words a minute.
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  • Now you can see, there's a few more M&Ms in here,
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  • and remember, they're still remembering
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  • 80% of what they've read.
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  • But the students who were reading 350 words a minute,
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  • which is what's in this jar right here,
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  • you're not even ready for how much they improved.
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  • They didn't just go up a little bit,
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  • look at this, look at this.
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  • They went up to almost 3.000 words a minute.
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  • Do you have any idea how many pages that is?
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  • It means they're reading this page and this page right here.
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  • They're reading this page and this page.
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  • Then they're taking that one and this one too.
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  • (yawns)
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  • And this one, and this one right here also,
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  • and this one and that one,
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  • and remembering 80% of what they've read.
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  • Now if you're like me, you're probably thinking,
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  • "This is ridiculous, I want that speed reading course.
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  • "That is going to make a huge difference in my life."
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  • And the problem is, you and I fell in the same trap.
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  • We believe that the effect of my retention,
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  • this amazing reading capacity,
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  • is directly related to the training,
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  • to the speed reading courses, and it's not, see.
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  • Because all of the students, all four of them,
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  • got all of the training.
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  • And so it's not the training that does the trick.
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  • It's the fact that those students showed up
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  • reading 350 words a minute in the very first place.
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  • You have remarkable talent.
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  • You have remarkable talent,
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  • and you ought to go find out what it is,
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  • because, like God said in Ephesians 2:10,
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  • it sets you up for success.
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  • Not just success, ridiculous capacity.
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  • This is how God designed us.
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  • We have a reflection of who he is.
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  • We're made in his image, right?
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  • That's what Genesis says, we're made in his image.
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  • So if I have these remarkable abilities,
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  • (laughs) it's because he has them.
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  • I mean, if I have arms, it's because he has arms.
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  • If I have a brain, it's because he has a brain.
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  • If I have remarkable talent, it's because
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  • God has invested in you and I ridiculous talent.
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  • And the problem with you and I is, we just don't know.
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  • We have no idea we have it, and so we've got to find out.
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  • Well, so this enters a new idea for us
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  • that's worth considering,
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  • and it's this idea that we cannot see ourselves.
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  • I mean, what do you have to have,
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  • what do you have to have in order to see yourself?
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  • If you're like me, you're thinking,
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  • "Okay, I got to have a mirror, I get that."
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  • And if you want to see the whole you
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  • before you're going out,
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  • like if you're getting all dressed up,
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  • and you really want to look sharp,
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  • and you want to see the whole you, what do you have to have?
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  • If you want to see the full picture,
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  • what do you have to have?
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  • Right, you have to have a full-length mirror.
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  • That's the only way you can see all of yourself.
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  • I can see pieces of me at a time,
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  • but I can't see the whole me.
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  • I have to have something or someone else
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  • other than me outside of me,
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  • to reflect back to me the full image of who I am.
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  • This is true, this is designed by God this way,
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  • and I think it emphasizes why we need each other,
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  • and it emphasizes why we need an assessment of sorts
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  • like this strengths test that helps you see yourself
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  • and where you are fantastic,
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  • because you can't see it by yourself.
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  • We can see it in each other,
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  • that's why community's so important,
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  • but we need this mirror.
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  • And so the strengths assessment is just a mirror.
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  • In and of itself, it has no power.
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  • But once you understand the ridiculous capacity,
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  • the once in a lifetime ability,
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  • the irreplaceably unique investment
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  • that God has made in your life and mind,
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  • and you come to grips with reality
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  • that that's truly in me, and it's just gonna stay there
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  • and probably operate at a 350 words a minute
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  • kind of power for the rest of my life,
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  • even if I don't do anything about it,
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  • then that's good, right?
  • 00:10:06.050 --> 00:10:07.270
  • It sort of sets you up for success.
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  • I mean, 350's better than 90 or 140.
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  • So you've got an advantage
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  • over some of the other folks around you,
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  • but it's not completely world class yet.
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  • If you want world class,
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  • you got to add yourself to what God is investing in you.
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  • You got to do something with what you've been given.
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  • You've got to put some skills, some experience,
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  • some knowledge against those latent capacities
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  • that God has invested in you
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  • in order to be able to get
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  • world-class performance out of it, I mean come on.
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  • Nearly 3.000 words a minute, that's ridiculous.
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  • I want that, and every one of us have this ability.
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  • Some of us used to think it was only the rare few,
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  • but I'm telling you, we all have this remarkable ability
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  • to be able to give away something
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  • world class and unique to the world.
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  • Just how world class or unique is it?
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  • Well this strengths assessment that was created by Gallup,
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  • the Strengths Finder Assessment,
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  • reveals your top five strengths.
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  • And the five are important because it gives you
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  • an opportunity to focus on the best of who you are.
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  • Now, I want to ask you, if you could find somebody else
  • 00:11:19.180 --> 00:11:23.150
  • who had the same five strengths as I do, in the same order,
  • 00:11:23.150 --> 00:11:27.060
  • how many people do you think you'd have to talk to
  • 00:11:27.060 --> 00:11:29.220
  • to find that person?
  • 00:11:29.220 --> 00:11:31.090
  • Someone who's got the same five strengths as mine
  • 00:11:31.090 --> 00:11:33.230
  • in exactly the same sequence, because the sequence matters.
  • 00:11:33.230 --> 00:11:37.280
  • Do you know that the answer to that
  • 00:11:39.030 --> 00:11:40.010
  • is one in 33 million people?
  • 00:11:40.010 --> 00:11:42.070
  • One in 33 million people.
  • 00:11:43.060 --> 00:11:45.080
  • That means according to the world population
  • 00:11:46.120 --> 00:11:48.170
  • being about 7.6 billion people at present,
  • 00:11:48.170 --> 00:11:52.020
  • there's roughly 200 of us on the planet today.
  • 00:11:52.020 --> 00:11:55.270
  • If you think that's good, wait, we're not done yet.
  • 00:11:57.110 --> 00:12:00.020
  • What about if we went to top six?
  • 00:12:00.020 --> 00:12:02.130
  • I mean realistically, you're using your top
  • 00:12:02.130 --> 00:12:04.220
  • six or seven, eight strengths on a regular basis.
  • 00:12:04.220 --> 00:12:07.190
  • Gallup just cut it off at number five
  • 00:12:07.190 --> 00:12:09.200
  • because it's a marketing exercise,
  • 00:12:09.200 --> 00:12:11.070
  • and they would love for you to buy the rest of them,
  • 00:12:11.070 --> 00:12:13.030
  • and there is some value in knowing the rest of them,
  • 00:12:13.030 --> 00:12:15.110
  • but your top five are really the most important.
  • 00:12:15.110 --> 00:12:18.230
  • But what if we went to number six?
  • 00:12:18.230 --> 00:12:20.040
  • How many people would you have to talk to
  • 00:12:20.040 --> 00:12:22.170
  • to find one person who had the same six strengths as me?
  • 00:12:22.170 --> 00:12:26.020
  • You know what the answer is?
  • 00:12:26.020 --> 00:12:27.080
  • One billion, one billion.
  • 00:12:27.080 --> 00:12:29.100
  • That means there's seven of you on the planet.
  • 00:12:30.150 --> 00:12:33.270
  • You want to do eight?
  • 00:12:33.270 --> 00:12:35.100
  • Come on, let's do eight.
  • 00:12:35.100 --> 00:12:37.060
  • Do you know how many people you would have to talk to
  • 00:12:37.060 --> 00:12:39.180
  • to find one person who might have statistically
  • 00:12:39.180 --> 00:12:42.260
  • the same eight strengths as you?
  • 00:12:42.260 --> 00:12:45.160
  • It's over 700 billion people, with a B.
  • 00:12:46.240 --> 00:12:50.250
  • Listen people, this is what I'm telling you.
  • 00:12:50.250 --> 00:12:52.280
  • God has remarkably and ridiculously
  • 00:12:52.280 --> 00:12:56.110
  • invested his own capacity in your life,
  • 00:12:56.110 --> 00:12:59.050
  • in shades that you can reflect
  • 00:12:59.050 --> 00:13:01.210
  • to the people around you every day,
  • 00:13:01.210 --> 00:13:03.210
  • and the only reason you aren't able
  • 00:13:03.210 --> 00:13:06.080
  • to reveal that kind of power on the world these days,
  • 00:13:06.080 --> 00:13:09.150
  • is because you don't know.
  • 00:13:09.150 --> 00:13:11.050
  • We need help, we got to find out.
  • 00:13:11.050 --> 00:13:13.010
  • And so I want to invite you into this journey.
  • 00:13:13.010 --> 00:13:15.120
  • I hope you've seen from this scientific explanation
  • 00:13:15.120 --> 00:13:18.070
  • that there is more to you than you suspect,
  • 00:13:18.070 --> 00:13:20.140
  • and if you will come with us and discover
  • 00:13:20.140 --> 00:13:22.190
  • how wonderfully God has made you, you will be blown away
  • 00:13:22.190 --> 00:13:25.150
  • at what a difference it makes to your life
  • 00:13:25.150 --> 00:13:27.160
  • and to the life of your marriage.
  • 00:13:27.160 --> 00:13:29.260
  • - [Announcer] TBN wants you to discover
  • 00:13:29.260 --> 00:13:31.110
  • the truth and principals found in Strengths Based Marriage,
  • 00:13:31.110 --> 00:13:34.120
  • and you will begin to see your relationship
  • 00:13:34.120 --> 00:13:36.020
  • with your spouse in a whole new way.
  • 00:13:36.020 --> 00:13:38.150
  • Call or go online to request this powerful collection today
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  • with your gift of $120 or more,
  • 00:13:41.220 --> 00:13:44.030
  • and as our thank you for supporting TBN,
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  • we will rush these incredible resources to you today.
  • 00:13:46.210 --> 00:13:50.110
  • Call 800-626-7454, or visit tbn.org/strongmarriage.
  • 00:13:50.110 --> 00:13:54.150
  • Call 800-626-7454, or visit tbn.org/strongmarriage.
  • 00:13:54.150 --> 00:13:56.150
  • - If you're just tuning in,
  • 00:14:00.130 --> 00:14:01.250
  • welcome to Strengths Based Marriage.
  • 00:14:01.250 --> 00:14:04.020
  • We have a guest couple with us today.
  • 00:14:04.020 --> 00:14:05.250
  • Let's have a look at how
  • 00:14:05.250 --> 00:14:07.060
  • their strengths influence their marriage.
  • 00:14:07.060 --> 00:14:10.110
  • - [Announcer] Today's couple is Kyle Windebank and Mary Fox
  • 00:14:10.110 --> 00:14:13.000
  • from Colorado Springs, Colorado.
  • 00:14:13.000 --> 00:14:14.250
  • Kyle's top five strengths are restorative, context,
  • 00:14:14.250 --> 00:14:18.050
  • learner, command, and intellection.
  • 00:14:18.050 --> 00:14:20.260
  • Mary's top five strengths are positivity, relator,
  • 00:14:20.260 --> 00:14:24.050
  • arranger, harmony, and communication.
  • 00:14:24.050 --> 00:14:27.080
  • - Well I'm Allan Kelsey and this is Jimmy Evans.
  • 00:14:28.170 --> 00:14:30.190
  • We are the co-authors of Strengths Based Marriage,
  • 00:14:30.190 --> 00:14:32.250
  • and we're so excited to spend
  • 00:14:32.250 --> 00:14:34.010
  • some time today with Kyle and Mary.
  • 00:14:34.010 --> 00:14:35.280
  • God, I mean you guys traveled
  • 00:14:35.280 --> 00:14:37.050
  • a good distance to come here today.
  • 00:14:37.050 --> 00:14:38.190
  • Thank you so much for joining us today.
  • 00:14:38.190 --> 00:14:40.140
  • - Of course, thanks for having us.
  • 00:14:40.140 --> 00:14:41.290
  • - For our viewing audience, why don't you just give us
  • 00:14:41.290 --> 00:14:43.180
  • a little bit about what you do and what your
  • 00:14:43.180 --> 00:14:45.180
  • marital status is, and just a snapshot of the pair of you.
  • 00:14:45.180 --> 00:14:49.000
  • - Yeah, so currently we're engaged.
  • 00:14:49.000 --> 00:14:51.010
  • Getting married about three weeks from now.
  • 00:14:51.010 --> 00:14:53.080
  • - [Allan] Wait, so you're not married yet?
  • 00:14:53.080 --> 00:14:54.140
  • - Not married yet.
  • 00:14:54.140 --> 00:14:55.200
  • - [Allan] We got a fresh set right here.
  • 00:14:55.200 --> 00:14:56.240
  • - Oh wow, we love it. (Mary laughs)
  • 00:14:56.240 --> 00:14:58.230
  • - Yeah, so three weeks, we're both currently in the Springs.
  • 00:14:58.230 --> 00:15:01.290
  • We are working and moving forward
  • 00:15:01.290 --> 00:15:05.050
  • and preparing for marriage. - [Allan] Yeah.
  • 00:15:05.050 --> 00:15:07.230
  • - I did a lot of pre-marriage counseling
  • 00:15:07.230 --> 00:15:09.120
  • when I first came in the ministry.
  • 00:15:09.120 --> 00:15:11.080
  • You guys are so wise to slow down
  • 00:15:11.080 --> 00:15:15.120
  • and prepare yourselves before you get married.
  • 00:15:15.120 --> 00:15:17.290
  • Because first of all, it just is gonna save you
  • 00:15:17.290 --> 00:15:20.210
  • a lot of heartache that you would have gone through,
  • 00:15:20.210 --> 00:15:23.240
  • and secondly, you're just gonna have success and blessings
  • 00:15:23.240 --> 00:15:27.290
  • because of that, because you're prepared.
  • 00:15:29.010 --> 00:15:30.250
  • And you don't know your strengths.
  • 00:15:30.250 --> 00:15:32.180
  • - Not yet.
  • 00:15:32.180 --> 00:15:34.030
  • - Yeah that's right, you haven't even had a chance
  • 00:15:34.030 --> 00:15:35.190
  • to look at each other's or to know what they are yet.
  • 00:15:35.190 --> 00:15:37.030
  • So why don't we start with that?
  • 00:15:37.030 --> 00:15:38.230
  • Should we just get in and kind of talk about them?
  • 00:15:38.230 --> 00:15:40.260
  • Alright, ladies first. - Okay.
  • 00:15:40.260 --> 00:15:42.250
  • - So you ready, Mary?
  • 00:15:42.250 --> 00:15:43.230
  • I'm about to reveal to you,
  • 00:15:43.230 --> 00:15:45.150
  • or really to Kyle, because you know what yours are.
  • 00:15:45.150 --> 00:15:48.120
  • So her number one strength is positivity.
  • 00:15:48.120 --> 00:15:51.180
  • Which means that she kind of has this tendency
  • 00:15:51.180 --> 00:15:53.250
  • to look at the glass half full you know, not half empty.
  • 00:15:53.250 --> 00:15:58.000
  • So that's a very positive outlook for life,
  • 00:15:59.100 --> 00:16:02.140
  • but it also has, it has an implication,
  • 00:16:02.140 --> 00:16:05.020
  • which means she needs a positive environment,
  • 00:16:05.020 --> 00:16:08.060
  • and if she finds one that's not that kind of positive,
  • 00:16:08.060 --> 00:16:11.030
  • she'll work really hard to convert it
  • 00:16:11.030 --> 00:16:13.020
  • so that there's hope in the room,
  • 00:16:13.020 --> 00:16:15.050
  • but if after a length of time
  • 00:16:15.050 --> 00:16:16.200
  • she can't get the room converted, she'll leave.
  • 00:16:16.200 --> 00:16:19.240
  • I mean it's that big of a deal.
  • 00:16:19.240 --> 00:16:21.020
  • It's that much of a filter for her.
  • 00:16:21.020 --> 00:16:22.240
  • She has to have a positive environment.
  • 00:16:22.240 --> 00:16:25.270
  • Next one is relator, so she loves one-on-one relationships,
  • 00:16:25.270 --> 00:16:29.220
  • loves deep, meaningful conversation.
  • 00:16:29.220 --> 00:16:32.220
  • I'll give you a hint here.
  • 00:16:33.190 --> 00:16:35.000
  • Relators love to have eye-to-eye
  • 00:16:35.000 --> 00:16:37.000
  • contact when you're communicating.
  • 00:16:37.000 --> 00:16:38.250
  • If you mess around with your phone
  • 00:16:38.250 --> 00:16:40.100
  • while you're talking to her, oh, I'm telling you.
  • 00:16:40.100 --> 00:16:42.200
  • You're liable to get a little (imitates bone crack) over it.
  • 00:16:42.200 --> 00:16:45.150
  • Alright, number three is arranger.
  • 00:16:45.150 --> 00:16:48.130
  • So your arranger is just the idea that you intuitively
  • 00:16:48.130 --> 00:16:52.050
  • know how the pieces fit together,
  • 00:16:52.050 --> 00:16:54.030
  • and you have a sense of what will work best
  • 00:16:54.030 --> 00:16:57.000
  • for that particular mix.
  • 00:16:57.000 --> 00:16:58.190
  • If I take one out and put another one in,
  • 00:16:58.190 --> 00:17:00.290
  • then you mix it differently
  • 00:17:00.290 --> 00:17:02.030
  • because that's a different mix of things.
  • 00:17:02.030 --> 00:17:04.110
  • And so it works for people and it works for stuff.
  • 00:17:04.110 --> 00:17:06.170
  • She's just naturally good at arranging.
  • 00:17:06.170 --> 00:17:09.220
  • And then the fourth is harmony, which means that you are,
  • 00:17:09.220 --> 00:17:13.250
  • you just will make room for others,
  • 00:17:15.000 --> 00:17:16.130
  • and you'll make adjustment
  • 00:17:16.130 --> 00:17:18.060
  • even if it costs you a little something
  • 00:17:18.060 --> 00:17:20.020
  • in order to make it so that everybody can get along,
  • 00:17:20.020 --> 00:17:22.190
  • and you really value community, unity,
  • 00:17:22.190 --> 00:17:25.210
  • people thinking and working together.
  • 00:17:25.210 --> 00:17:27.210
  • So you're a very natural team builder, which is wonderful.
  • 00:17:27.210 --> 00:17:31.060
  • And then the last is communication.
  • 00:17:31.060 --> 00:17:33.150
  • So she loves to be able to communicate.
  • 00:17:33.150 --> 00:17:35.140
  • In this regard, I have a question for you then, Mary.
  • 00:17:35.140 --> 00:17:38.090
  • Communication is both written and spoken.
  • 00:17:38.090 --> 00:17:41.130
  • Which is your preference, and if it's both,
  • 00:17:41.130 --> 00:17:43.160
  • can you split them up like 60/40, 20/10?
  • 00:17:43.160 --> 00:17:47.090
  • How would you do it?
  • 00:17:47.090 --> 00:17:49.040
  • - First initial thought is 100% verbal, spoken.
  • 00:17:49.040 --> 00:17:53.090
  • - [Allan] Speaking, yes.
  • 00:17:54.010 --> 00:17:55.130
  • - I appreciate more of that side
  • 00:17:55.130 --> 00:17:56.200
  • of communication verse written,
  • 00:17:56.200 --> 00:17:59.140
  • though I have an appreciation,
  • 00:17:59.140 --> 00:18:01.100
  • and overall it's probably like a 80 spoken, 20 written.
  • 00:18:01.100 --> 00:18:05.150
  • - [Allan] Yeah. - Yeah.
  • 00:18:06.090 --> 00:18:07.240
  • - So is there any of this that you find confirming
  • 00:18:07.240 --> 00:18:10.030
  • in the way that you know her to be?
  • 00:18:10.030 --> 00:18:11.280
  • - For sure, I think her positivity
  • 00:18:11.280 --> 00:18:14.130
  • is something that jumps out, definitely.
  • 00:18:14.130 --> 00:18:16.060
  • As I have viewed our relationship as a very positive person,
  • 00:18:16.060 --> 00:18:20.110
  • ready to jump into a situation,
  • 00:18:21.070 --> 00:18:22.140
  • and you know, like you were saying,
  • 00:18:22.140 --> 00:18:23.210
  • make the glass half full for sure, so.
  • 00:18:23.210 --> 00:18:26.120
  • - I think it's a phenomenal strength to have as number one.
  • 00:18:26.120 --> 00:18:30.170
  • Sometimes what can happen in a marriage is that
  • 00:18:31.290 --> 00:18:35.000
  • we look at our spouses strengths,
  • 00:18:36.200 --> 00:18:39.130
  • and we think well Mary's just naive, she's always positive.
  • 00:18:39.130 --> 00:18:42.180
  • So I need to give the balance of that and tell her
  • 00:18:42.180 --> 00:18:45.140
  • Armageddon's next week. (laughter)
  • 00:18:45.140 --> 00:18:48.030
  • You really need to get some negative in here,
  • 00:18:48.030 --> 00:18:50.220
  • because bad things are coming.
  • 00:18:50.220 --> 00:18:52.020
  • I'm not saying you're doing that today.
  • 00:18:52.020 --> 00:18:53.260
  • I'm saying after 10 or 15 years of marriage,
  • 00:18:53.260 --> 00:18:56.030
  • sometimes the positivity can wear on you,
  • 00:18:56.030 --> 00:18:58.270
  • and the point being, she's wired that way from birth.
  • 00:18:58.270 --> 00:19:01.200
  • And so she's not gonna be that way today.
  • 00:19:01.200 --> 00:19:04.000
  • She's gonna be that way 50 years from now.
  • 00:19:04.000 --> 00:19:06.000
  • When y'all are celebrating
  • 00:19:06.000 --> 00:19:07.050
  • your golden anniversary 50 years from now.
  • 00:19:07.050 --> 00:19:10.110
  • My wife and I, you know, we're the same as we were
  • 00:19:10.110 --> 00:19:12.240
  • when we were 19 years old, our general strengths.
  • 00:19:12.240 --> 00:19:14.230
  • So I think it's a fantastic strength.
  • 00:19:14.230 --> 00:19:18.050
  • - Okay Mary, are you ready to hear
  • 00:19:18.050 --> 00:19:19.100
  • about this man you're about to marry?
  • 00:19:19.100 --> 00:19:20.100
  • - I am. - Okay.
  • 00:19:20.100 --> 00:19:21.180
  • So number one, he starts with restorative,
  • 00:19:21.180 --> 00:19:23.210
  • which means he can look at people or things
  • 00:19:23.210 --> 00:19:26.170
  • and has this intuitive sense
  • 00:19:26.170 --> 00:19:28.110
  • of how to bring the former glory back.
  • 00:19:28.110 --> 00:19:31.070
  • Like there might be something missing,
  • 00:19:31.070 --> 00:19:32.180
  • and he knows how to repair it,
  • 00:19:32.180 --> 00:19:34.150
  • and he has the motivation to see that happen.
  • 00:19:34.150 --> 00:19:37.030
  • Then next is context, which means that you have,
  • 00:19:37.030 --> 00:19:40.030
  • you have just as much interest in how we got here
  • 00:19:40.030 --> 00:19:43.020
  • as where we're going,
  • 00:19:43.020 --> 00:19:44.220
  • and you just bring kind of
  • 00:19:44.220 --> 00:19:46.090
  • past experiences into present conversation because for you,
  • 00:19:46.090 --> 00:19:50.040
  • it's a very relevant contributor
  • 00:19:50.040 --> 00:19:52.080
  • to today's you know, kind of experiences.
  • 00:19:52.080 --> 00:19:55.210
  • You have learner at number three,
  • 00:19:57.010 --> 00:19:58.220
  • which means you have this persistent curiosity
  • 00:19:58.220 --> 00:20:01.220
  • about a wide range of things, which is great.
  • 00:20:01.220 --> 00:20:04.220
  • Kyle, then you have command,
  • 00:20:04.220 --> 00:20:06.070
  • which is a very strong leadership kind of a gift.
  • 00:20:06.070 --> 00:20:09.070
  • It's a gift that brings very natural
  • 00:20:09.070 --> 00:20:12.020
  • structure and order to things or people,
  • 00:20:12.020 --> 00:20:15.000
  • and you have a good sense
  • 00:20:15.000 --> 00:20:16.120
  • of how to lead a company, not just a crowd.
  • 00:20:16.120 --> 00:20:19.030
  • So I think that that's a good insight to have.
  • 00:20:19.030 --> 00:20:23.080
  • And then the last one is intellection,
  • 00:20:24.130 --> 00:20:25.200
  • which means the gears are always turning.
  • 00:20:25.200 --> 00:20:28.140
  • That hard drive upstairs is always running,
  • 00:20:28.140 --> 00:20:30.120
  • and you might come across him from time to time
  • 00:20:30.120 --> 00:20:32.260
  • staring out of a window, and you're wondering
  • 00:20:32.260 --> 00:20:34.290
  • what he's looking at, and he's not looking at the window.
  • 00:20:34.290 --> 00:20:37.080
  • He's off somewhere else in his head
  • 00:20:37.080 --> 00:20:38.200
  • kind of postulating and measuring things,
  • 00:20:38.200 --> 00:20:40.230
  • and you might wonder like, is he even here?
  • 00:20:40.230 --> 00:20:44.130
  • Like, what's happening?
  • 00:20:44.130 --> 00:20:45.110
  • I don't know. (chuckles)
  • 00:20:45.110 --> 00:20:46.240
  • But it's a wonderful strength,
  • 00:20:46.240 --> 00:20:48.020
  • because what you digest and what you ruminate on
  • 00:20:48.020 --> 00:20:52.060
  • creates wonderful product in the end of it.
  • 00:20:53.170 --> 00:20:55.030
  • So is there anything surprising or confirming then,
  • 00:20:55.030 --> 00:20:58.000
  • for you Mary, as you think about
  • 00:20:58.000 --> 00:20:59.200
  • what you've just heard for him?
  • 00:20:59.200 --> 00:21:00.280
  • - I would say not surprising.
  • 00:21:00.280 --> 00:21:02.230
  • A lot of what you're saying defines who he is.
  • 00:21:02.230 --> 00:21:06.150
  • Now it just puts words to things I've observed about him.
  • 00:21:06.150 --> 00:21:09.290
  • So like restorative, he always sees projects
  • 00:21:09.290 --> 00:21:12.080
  • and wants to work with his hands,
  • 00:21:12.080 --> 00:21:13.280
  • or he always is reading, which is great, I love that.
  • 00:21:13.280 --> 00:21:17.160
  • So he reads all these books at night, late into the night,
  • 00:21:17.160 --> 00:21:20.050
  • and then he comes, "This is what I'm reading about."
  • 00:21:20.050 --> 00:21:22.170
  • What was it, Malcolm X,
  • 00:21:22.170 --> 00:21:23.240
  • that was his last book he read about,
  • 00:21:23.240 --> 00:21:25.130
  • and we talked, we had a car ride,
  • 00:21:25.130 --> 00:21:26.190
  • and he talked all about it, and I was like,
  • 00:21:26.190 --> 00:21:28.030
  • "Yeah, I don't mind learning, it's fun."
  • 00:21:28.030 --> 00:21:29.140
  • (Allan laughs)
  • 00:21:29.140 --> 00:21:31.090
  • Command makes total sense, and then the one where's he's
  • 00:21:31.090 --> 00:21:34.180
  • thinking in his brain, that totally makes sense.
  • 00:21:34.180 --> 00:21:37.220
  • Where we're having a conversation sometimes,
  • 00:21:37.220 --> 00:21:39.260
  • and I can see the gears kind of rolling in his brain.
  • 00:21:39.260 --> 00:21:43.020
  • It totally makes sense.
  • 00:21:43.020 --> 00:21:44.170
  • - Alright, so when I put these two together, okay,
  • 00:21:44.170 --> 00:21:46.100
  • because this is like soup now.
  • 00:21:46.100 --> 00:21:47.260
  • All these ingredients are about to go into one container,
  • 00:21:47.260 --> 00:21:50.160
  • and we're gonna see what comes out of all of that.
  • 00:21:50.160 --> 00:21:53.250
  • I'm aware, because of the strengths
  • 00:21:53.250 --> 00:21:55.120
  • that the two of you have,
  • 00:21:55.120 --> 00:21:56.230
  • that there may be an opportunity for misunderstanding.
  • 00:21:56.230 --> 00:22:00.090
  • Just if you default to your natural position.
  • 00:22:00.090 --> 00:22:02.280
  • Now I'm not painting doom and gloom for your marriage,
  • 00:22:02.280 --> 00:22:04.290
  • what I'm saying is, I think there's opportunity here
  • 00:22:04.290 --> 00:22:07.230
  • for you to avoid pain in the future
  • 00:22:07.230 --> 00:22:10.030
  • by knowing each other in a more deep kind of way.
  • 00:22:10.030 --> 00:22:14.060
  • So Mary, you have communication,
  • 00:22:15.020 --> 00:22:16.180
  • which means that the distance between your thought
  • 00:22:16.180 --> 00:22:19.280
  • and what you say is really short, and it's very clear.
  • 00:22:19.280 --> 00:22:24.020
  • So what you say is genuinely what you think,
  • 00:22:24.020 --> 00:22:27.050
  • and so it just really easily comes out.
  • 00:22:27.050 --> 00:22:29.210
  • Kyle, you have restorative, which means that
  • 00:22:29.210 --> 00:22:32.080
  • you inherently have an ability to see
  • 00:22:32.080 --> 00:22:34.190
  • what's not there or what's missing and want to bring it
  • 00:22:34.190 --> 00:22:38.190
  • so that you can restore the thing,
  • 00:22:38.190 --> 00:22:40.040
  • make it as beautiful as it was all along.
  • 00:22:40.040 --> 00:22:43.170
  • But both of these two strengths
  • 00:22:43.170 --> 00:22:45.140
  • lend themselves to elements of being misunderstood,
  • 00:22:45.140 --> 00:22:49.190
  • for different reasons that we probably
  • 00:22:50.220 --> 00:22:51.290
  • don't have time to get involved with right now,
  • 00:22:51.290 --> 00:22:53.130
  • but if you'll just take my word for it, it is often true.
  • 00:22:53.130 --> 00:22:57.100
  • Hers being misunderstood because she is,
  • 00:22:57.100 --> 00:23:01.170
  • she transects on the value of the words.
  • 00:23:02.230 --> 00:23:04.200
  • Like, because what she thinks and what she says
  • 00:23:04.200 --> 00:23:07.110
  • is so close, like those are the same thing,
  • 00:23:07.110 --> 00:23:10.110
  • she takes what's said as being at face value.
  • 00:23:10.110 --> 00:23:13.180
  • So, that must be what the people are thinking,
  • 00:23:13.180 --> 00:23:16.100
  • whereas that's not always the case
  • 00:23:16.100 --> 00:23:17.280
  • with the rest of us, we know that.
  • 00:23:17.280 --> 00:23:20.170
  • You on the other hand,
  • 00:23:20.170 --> 00:23:21.240
  • are so accustomed to seeing what's not there,
  • 00:23:21.240 --> 00:23:24.020
  • you look for it in dialogue also.
  • 00:23:24.020 --> 00:23:26.070
  • So you look for it in communication,
  • 00:23:26.070 --> 00:23:27.290
  • and so you often wonder, like,
  • 00:23:27.290 --> 00:23:29.080
  • "What else is there that's not being said?"
  • 00:23:29.080 --> 00:23:31.140
  • And so I just see potentially
  • 00:23:31.140 --> 00:23:33.080
  • you guys not being understood with each other at times.
  • 00:23:33.080 --> 00:23:36.250
  • Talk to me a little bit about your dialogue
  • 00:23:36.250 --> 00:23:38.210
  • and the quality of how you feel you communicate.
  • 00:23:38.210 --> 00:23:42.240
  • - Yeah, I would agree, and I would say,
  • 00:23:42.240 --> 00:23:45.000
  • like what you're communicating happens sometimes,
  • 00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:48.290
  • but what we've learned to do is if I'm verbally processing
  • 00:23:48.290 --> 00:23:52.190
  • or just saying what's coming out in my thoughts,
  • 00:23:52.190 --> 00:23:55.010
  • I just tell Kyle, "Hey this is just
  • 00:23:55.010 --> 00:23:57.030
  • "what I'm thinking right now, it's not a set thought,
  • 00:23:57.030 --> 00:24:00.060
  • "it's not where I'm landing at this moment."
  • 00:24:00.060 --> 00:24:03.060
  • It's just my verbal process
  • 00:24:03.060 --> 00:24:04.220
  • to try to get where he's already at,
  • 00:24:04.220 --> 00:24:07.050
  • or some of the missing parts I'm trying to communicate that.
  • 00:24:07.050 --> 00:24:10.270
  • - As you guys are sitting here, what I'm thinking is this.
  • 00:24:10.270 --> 00:24:14.240
  • You could flood him with words, right?
  • 00:24:14.240 --> 00:24:17.150
  • - Mm-hm. - Mm-hm.
  • 00:24:17.150 --> 00:24:18.290
  • - [Jimmy] You ever feel that way?
  • 00:24:18.290 --> 00:24:20.030
  • - It's happened, yeah. (Mary laughs)
  • 00:24:20.030 --> 00:24:21.270
  • - Well, and so what happens is
  • 00:24:21.270 --> 00:24:23.120
  • one of her deepest needs, a woman's deepest needs,
  • 00:24:23.120 --> 00:24:26.290
  • is for open and honest communication.
  • 00:24:26.290 --> 00:24:29.020
  • And so when you're communicating with her,
  • 00:24:29.020 --> 00:24:31.160
  • she doesn't just want information, she wants emotion.
  • 00:24:31.160 --> 00:24:35.080
  • - Kyle and Mary,
  • 00:24:35.080 --> 00:24:36.240
  • it was such a joy being able to spend time with you today.
  • 00:24:36.240 --> 00:24:39.290
  • We've really just gotten to unpack some of the elements
  • 00:24:39.290 --> 00:24:43.170
  • of your strengths and how they play into each other,
  • 00:24:43.170 --> 00:24:45.230
  • but we're excited about you guys
  • 00:24:45.230 --> 00:24:47.140
  • getting married and what the future holds,
  • 00:24:47.140 --> 00:24:49.140
  • and you being able to balance your strengths with each other
  • 00:24:49.140 --> 00:24:53.010
  • and move on to a powerful, long-lasting marriage.
  • 00:24:53.010 --> 00:24:55.250
  • Thanks for joining us today.
  • 00:24:55.250 --> 00:24:56.290
  • - Thank you so much. - Thank you.
  • 00:24:56.290 --> 00:24:59.130
  • - I love to see stories like that.
  • 00:24:59.130 --> 00:25:01.150
  • That's why we do what we do, and an example of the impact
  • 00:25:01.150 --> 00:25:05.000
  • these powerful resources can have on your marriage.
  • 00:25:05.000 --> 00:25:08.050
  • - Yeah, for example, maybe your number one strength
  • 00:25:08.050 --> 00:25:10.250
  • is empathy, and your spouse's strength is to be restorative.
  • 00:25:10.250 --> 00:25:14.240
  • Being aware of that is so important,
  • 00:25:14.240 --> 00:25:16.270
  • because it will help you
  • 00:25:16.270 --> 00:25:18.050
  • to understand how each of you think,
  • 00:25:18.050 --> 00:25:19.240
  • because while someone who is empathetic
  • 00:25:19.240 --> 00:25:21.260
  • will feel what others are feeling,
  • 00:25:21.260 --> 00:25:23.250
  • a restorative spouse will see a problem and try to fix it.
  • 00:25:23.250 --> 00:25:27.190
  • They both want there to be
  • 00:25:27.190 --> 00:25:28.290
  • resolution and understanding, peace and growth,
  • 00:25:28.290 --> 00:25:32.160
  • but their perspectives are completely opposite,
  • 00:25:32.160 --> 00:25:34.240
  • and if misunderstood by each other,
  • 00:25:34.240 --> 00:25:37.080
  • can be cause for some really heated discussion.
  • 00:25:37.080 --> 00:25:40.000
  • - But trust me, no matter what situation you're in,
  • 00:25:40.000 --> 00:25:43.030
  • your marriage can thrive in every area,
  • 00:25:43.030 --> 00:25:46.010
  • emotionally, physically, and spiritually,
  • 00:25:46.010 --> 00:25:48.040
  • and we want to help you experience that today.
  • 00:25:48.040 --> 00:25:50.190
  • So request your Strengths Based Marriage resources
  • 00:25:50.190 --> 00:25:53.210
  • with your gift, and discover the principals you need
  • 00:25:53.210 --> 00:25:56.180
  • to see yourself, your spouse,
  • 00:25:56.180 --> 00:25:58.200
  • and your marriage in a new, amazing way.
  • 00:25:58.200 --> 00:26:02.020
  • - [Announcer] TBN wants you to discover the truths
  • 00:26:03.150 --> 00:26:05.010
  • and principals found in Strengths Based Marriage,
  • 00:26:05.010 --> 00:26:07.220
  • and you will begin to see your relationship
  • 00:26:07.220 --> 00:26:09.100
  • with your spouse in a whole new way.
  • 00:26:09.100 --> 00:26:11.240
  • Call or go online to request this powerful collection today
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  • With your gift of $120 or more.
  • 00:26:15.000 --> 00:26:17.190
  • And as our thank you for supporting TBN,
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  • we will rush these incredible resources to you today.
  • 00:26:20.020 --> 00:26:23.180
  • Call 800-626-7454 or visit tbn.org/strongmarriage.
  • 00:26:23.180 --> 00:26:27.230
  • Call 800-626-7454 or visit tbn.org/strongmarriage.
  • 00:26:27.230 --> 00:26:30.130
  • - Thanks for joining us on this journey of discovery.
  • 00:26:34.170 --> 00:26:36.270
  • It's amazing how focusing on what's right
  • 00:26:36.270 --> 00:26:39.190
  • in our relationships can strengthen marriage
  • 00:26:39.190 --> 00:26:42.070
  • in ways we never thought possible.
  • 00:26:42.070 --> 00:26:44.030
  • - Yeah, join us next time when we'll dig deeper
  • 00:26:44.030 --> 00:26:46.140
  • into how operating in our strengths
  • 00:26:46.140 --> 00:26:48.230
  • releases a chemical reaction in the brain
  • 00:26:48.230 --> 00:26:51.090
  • that's a feel-good gift from God.
  • 00:26:51.090 --> 00:26:53.240
  • Plus, we'll explore how you can operate
  • 00:26:53.240 --> 00:26:56.030
  • more like a talent scout in your marriage,
  • 00:26:56.030 --> 00:26:58.160
  • setting each of you free to put your talents to use
  • 00:26:58.160 --> 00:27:02.080
  • in the areas where each of you are most gifted.
  • 00:27:02.080 --> 00:27:05.150
  • God designed us to be different,
  • 00:27:05.150 --> 00:27:07.020
  • and when we celebrate those differences we become stronger,
  • 00:27:07.020 --> 00:27:10.090
  • more successful as a team.
  • 00:27:10.090 --> 00:27:12.190
  • I can't wait to see what God reveals
  • 00:27:12.190 --> 00:27:14.140
  • for all of us in our relationships
  • 00:27:14.140 --> 00:27:16.130
  • in the next episode of Strengths Based Marriage.
  • 00:27:16.130 --> 00:27:19.100
  • See you then.
  • 00:27:19.100 --> 00:27:20.130