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March 26, 2018

27:30

Strengths Based Marriage with Jimmy Evans & Allan Kelsey

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- Since the beginning of time
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marriage has been the foundation of society
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and one of the secrets of success in marriage is
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you don't have to marry the perfect person
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who's just like you.
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- Yeah, you see
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God has created each of us
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with a unique set of strengths
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that when celebrated,
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rather than stifled,
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can unlock the true potential of your marriage.
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In strengths Based Marriage
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we've drawn from more than 50 years of research
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from the Gallup Institute
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combined with over 35 years of experience
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in marriage counseling,
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to develop an incredibly exciting resource
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that can literally revolutionize your relationship
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and prepare you for a lifetime of passion and intimacy
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and we can't wait to share it with you.
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- That's right.
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When you learn to recognize and focus on
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the strengths of your spouse
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you'll be able to celebrate what's right about them
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and value their God-given differences
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not resent them.
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So join us on this journey
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to explore how implementing a Strengths Based Marriage
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can bring you closer together than ever before
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with your spouse.
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- [Narrator] Dr. Donald O. Clifton
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was a forerunner in positive psychology.
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Through his research,
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he identified 34 universal strengths
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that exist within each individual.
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Working with Gallup,
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he developed the strengths finder assessment
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which reveals how our unique order of strengths
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affect the way we engage with the world around us
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influencing our thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
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Thousands of businesses, teams, and churches
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have harnessed this strengths based approach
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to interacting,
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resulting in stronger relationships and greater performance.
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So what happens when you apply these same ideas
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to your own personal relationships.
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Or even your marriage?
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On this journey,
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you will discover how to thrive in your strengths,
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recognize the positive traits in your partner,
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and develop your own strengths based marriage.
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(uplifting music)
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- Jimmy mentioned earlier that
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one of his number one strengths is achiever.
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I have achiever at number one also.
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And what that means is
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I just love to get stuff done.
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I am a list person, okay?
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I like to make lists.
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I kinda sometimes make lists of my lists.
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So you know who you are,
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you know you're out there.
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And the best part of my day is when those little boxes
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next to all my lists
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and I can just put all those check marks in there.
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Yeah baby!
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That's a good day.
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You can just buy me a ball cap that says
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"Git 'er done" right here
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and you've got me summed up.
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Like I love to get stuff done.
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And it has been this way
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since as young as I can remember.
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In fact,
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what science tells me
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is that God began forming me this way
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from the time that I was in the womb.
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The Bible says that we are formed in the womb
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but science tells me that day 45 after conception
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already the brain is being constructed
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and the lines that make up my thinking this way
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are already being connected.
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It's ridiculous.
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I love seeing how God manufactures us
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in this wonderful way.
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So what that means is,
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my strength of achiever has been with me since day one.
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And it feels incredibly normal to me.
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This is how I think.
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So when I run off to go get something accomplished
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it feels like,
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shouldn't everybody be doing this?
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Like this is how normal people function.
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And when people don't function that way like me,
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I begin to wonder like
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"Uh, are the completely normal?
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"I'm not sure, you know."
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I kinda judge them a little bit
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because they're strengths don't look like mine.
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We gotta quit doin' that.
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We gotta quit lookin' at each other
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and thinkin' they gotta be like me in order to be normal.
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No, everybody's got their own strengths.
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And they make them unbelievably unique.
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And these strengths aren't just how you think.
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It's really who you are.
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So if I have this ability,
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this strength of achiever,
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it goes with me everywhere I go.
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So if I go to play some golf
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with Jimmy,
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not as well as he does, mind you, but
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nonetheless,
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then my strength of achiever goes with me
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and it affects the way that I swing.
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If I'm at work,
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typing on the computer,
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my strength of achiever is right there
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and it influences the way I type on the computer.
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If I'm at home interacting with my daughters or my wife,
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loving on them,
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hanging out,
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spending time together.
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It affects the kinds of things that I like to do.
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Listen, when I'm telling you this
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your strengths affect everything about you.
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They're not just what you do,
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they're really who you are.
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So it affects vacations.
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It affects the way you like to rest.
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It affects the kind of books you like to read.
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It affects what kind of entertainment you love.
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It even affects what happens in the bedroom.
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Now we're gonna get to that in a second.
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But so let's start with some of the others.
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Okay, vacation, right?
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So for me,
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a fantastic vacation is us going to the beach,
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we get up early because I wanna go fishing
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and then we wanna go swim in the ocean
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then we wanna ride on the horses on the beach front
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before lunch.
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Then we're gonna catch lunch,
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maybe do a movie after that,
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come back to the beach.
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Are you hearing what I'm saying?
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Like we are gonna check all these boxes
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and get all this fun stuff done
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and tomorrow,
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we're gonna do it again!
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Because this we wanna just suck the marrow
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out of this vacation
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and enjoy every element of it.
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My wife,
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entirely different expectations for rest.
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Entirely different.
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What she wants to do,
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is lay down in the sand,
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let the shiny ball in the sky
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do crazy things to her skin all day,
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and tomorrow is do the exact same thing again.
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We are at odds with each other
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over the way we have vacation.
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Because what feels right to me
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and what feels right to her
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are entirely different.
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These things are motivated by your strengths.
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They affect the way you think about how you rest.
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By the way,
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rest for me is not a passive thing.
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It's an active thing.
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I actually like to do,
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and it's how I recover.
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Stephanie on the other hand likes not to do,
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and that's very recovering for her.
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So our strengths influence the way we rest.
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We were in Barnes and Noble the other day
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looking for books.
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And I happened to walk past the section
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that's got all these business books in them.
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And there's the strategic category,
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and I walked over there and picked up this book
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and it says,
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"First things First" on the front,
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and I'm like, "Yeah!
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"That makes perfect sense to me."
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And inside it talks about
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how you begin with the end in mind.
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Being a strategic thinker,
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I'm thinkin'
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"This guy is a genius!"
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So I walked this book over to Stephanie
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to show her this phenomenal find
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that I've just picked up,
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and she looks at it,
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reads the stuff I've read and goes
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(yawns) "Do you have something else?"
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Totally not interested at all in what I have to offer.
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On the other hand,
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I see she has a book in her hand.
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I said, "What is that?"
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she said, "Well look, it's all about women and relationships
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and how they fight."
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I'm like "Huh, are you kidding me?
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"That looks like torture!
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"I don't wanna read that!"
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Why?
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Because her strengths are all relational
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and mine have to do with executing and strategic thinking.
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And so that brings me to this final topic.
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All 34 of our strengths,
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all 34.
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They can be bundled into kind of four categories
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that really start to make grouped sense
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about these strengths that we have.
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So the first one is an executing category.
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Now I don't mean killin' people,
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I mean gettin' stuff done.
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So there's six or seven or eight strengths in this grouping
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that all motivate us to just kinda get things done.
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The second category,
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is a strategic thinking category.
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And this is a group of strengths
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that lend themselves to the individual,
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helping them to think strategically.
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It's just pretty obvious.
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The third one is an influencing category.
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And these strengths all are interested
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in the kinds of ways that they can influence other people.
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It's sort of the overriding banner that covers
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those six or seven strengths.
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And then the final,
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on the list of 34,
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are your relationship building strengths.
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All these strengths lend to an individual
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to be phenomenal in the way that they build relationships.
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And almost all of my wife's strengths
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are in that category.
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At least her top five or six strengths.
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So she is an amazing person at building relationships.
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But what I had not been prepared for
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was how those four categories
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and the way we're built,
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influences what happens between the sheets.
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Listen I'm telling you I didn't know it could be possible
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but it's true.
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So without gettin' too weird,
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I just wanna talk about this for a second
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and let's see where this goes.
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So, let's take the first category executing.
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In this group are six or eight strengths
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whose primary objective is gettin' somethin' done.
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If you move that idea
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into the bedroom
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I might be interested in gettin' some things done.
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I'm just gonna let you decide what that means,
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but I'm very goal oriented.
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This is about gettin' stuff done.
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I've got a list.
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I'm gonna check some things off.
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I have an objective.
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I'm gonna push for that objective.
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If I became too obsessed
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with a particular goal I'd set in mind.
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It might become not so enjoyable for certain parties
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during that window of time.
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I'm just sayin'.
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Executing is about gettin' things done.
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And you can't check the box until what?
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Until it's finished.
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So,
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it's just a motivation that shows up in the bedroom
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that's very oriented a particular way
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if the majority of your strengths
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happen to fall into that executing category.
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But what if the majority of your strengths
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are strategic thinking categories.
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Then what?
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Well then you probably like variety.
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You like to begin with the end in mind
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and you have a very set plan on how you intend to get there.
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There's no time for deviations.
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We have got to stick with the plan here.
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So you might also be quite goal-oriented
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and have a pattern
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or a method that you like to use
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that gets you there.
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So changes from those patterns
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might be hard to adapt to
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and you might find yourself struggling with that.
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But your spouse might be able to help you.
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I do know that if you're a strategic thinker,
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you like variety, so
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I'm just gonna let you decide how you feel about that.
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The next category is influencing.
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Listen people who love influencing others
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have all of these strengths that make them feel strongest
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when they're able to influence the ones around them.
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They have a strong sense of confidence.
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And they love to exert their influence
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over the people around them.
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You put that between the sheets
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and you've got an individual
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who probably likes the lights to be on.
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Because this person likes to know what's going on.
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Am I influencing this person?
00:10:25.260 --> 00:10:27.260
Can I see that happening?
00:10:27.260 --> 00:10:29.050
I gotta see that to let me know
00:10:29.050 --> 00:10:30.230
that this is actually working.
00:10:30.230 --> 00:10:32.120
So the influencing category brings a whole new dimension
00:10:32.120 --> 00:10:36.000
into what expectations are in the bedroom
00:10:36.000 --> 00:10:38.150
and what kinds of performances are in the bedroom.
00:10:38.150 --> 00:10:41.250
There's probably a good need for variety there too.
00:10:41.250 --> 00:10:44.270
And then the final category
00:10:44.270 --> 00:10:46.100
is the relationship building category.
00:10:46.100 --> 00:10:48.110
And this category is very interested
00:10:48.110 --> 00:10:51.060
in the relational connection
00:10:51.060 --> 00:10:52.250
that is present in the bedroom.
00:10:52.250 --> 00:10:55.200
And so I asked Stephanie about this
00:10:55.200 --> 00:10:57.020
as I was writing the chapter
00:10:57.020 --> 00:10:58.090
and there's a lot more detail
00:10:58.090 --> 00:10:59.160
in the last chapter in the book.
00:10:59.160 --> 00:11:01.040
But I said "How did you start an amorous conversation
00:11:01.040 --> 00:11:04.270
"with me thinking that it would lead to the bedroom?"
00:11:04.270 --> 00:11:07.290
She said "Oh that's easy.
00:11:07.290 --> 00:11:09.060
"I would just start a conversation."
00:11:09.060 --> 00:11:10.250
and I thought to myself,
00:11:10.250 --> 00:11:12.080
"Are you kidding me?
00:11:12.080 --> 00:11:13.210
"How many times did you shoot one over the bow for me
00:11:13.210 --> 00:11:17.050
"and I didn't pick up on your cue?"
00:11:17.050 --> 00:11:19.000
She said, "Oh you have no idea.
00:11:19.000 --> 00:11:20.210
"You have no idea how many times I did that."
00:11:20.210 --> 00:11:22.180
And I'm thinking to myself,
00:11:22.180 --> 00:11:23.230
"Duh! All the missed opportunities
00:11:23.230 --> 00:11:26.010
that might have been heavenly,
00:11:26.010 --> 00:11:28.220
if I'd a known what kind of cues I should be looking for."
00:11:28.220 --> 00:11:31.240
Just didn't know.
00:11:31.240 --> 00:11:33.000
My strengths didn't set me up to know that.
00:11:33.000 --> 00:11:35.090
If I'd a known hers,
00:11:35.090 --> 00:11:37.020
I would've known she was giving me some cues
00:11:37.020 --> 00:11:39.080
and we could've been able to execute against those cues.
00:11:39.080 --> 00:11:43.130
Look, I think the point I'm trying to make is,
00:11:44.250 --> 00:11:47.040
these strengths are more than just the way you think.
00:11:47.040 --> 00:11:49.230
They genuinely affect just about every element of your life.
00:11:49.230 --> 00:11:53.280
And if you're not aware that that's the case,
00:11:55.030 --> 00:11:56.080
you will live blind,
00:11:56.080 --> 00:11:58.020
not just to the influence of them,
00:11:58.020 --> 00:12:00.120
but to the truly majestic power that they can contribute
00:12:00.120 --> 00:12:03.240
in your life and in the lives around you.
00:12:03.240 --> 00:12:05.290
And oh not to mention,
00:12:05.290 --> 00:12:07.080
the joy that you feel.
00:12:07.080 --> 00:12:08.250
You know that endorphin rush that we talked about earlier,
00:12:08.250 --> 00:12:10.250
that makes you feel so fantastic when it's playing out.
00:12:10.250 --> 00:12:13.220
All of that is available.
00:12:13.220 --> 00:12:15.180
It's all available in your life,
00:12:15.180 --> 00:12:17.080
in your marriage,
00:12:17.080 --> 00:12:18.130
and the only way you're gonna get there
00:12:18.130 --> 00:12:20.050
is if you find some mechanism to pull these strengths
00:12:20.050 --> 00:12:23.160
into your daily language and your daily activities.
00:12:23.160 --> 00:12:26.160
And honor each other as a married couple in that way.
00:12:26.160 --> 00:12:30.210
- [Narrator] TBN wants you to discover
00:12:31.240 --> 00:12:32.220
the truths and principles found
00:12:32.220 --> 00:12:34.010
in Strengths Based Marriage.
00:12:34.010 --> 00:12:35.200
And you will begin to see
00:12:35.200 --> 00:12:36.220
a relationship with your spouse
00:12:36.220 --> 00:12:38.010
in a whole new way.
00:12:38.010 --> 00:12:39.200
Call or go online to request this powerful collection today
00:12:39.200 --> 00:12:42.240
with your gift of $120 or more.
00:12:42.240 --> 00:12:45.070
And as our thank you for supporting TBN,
00:12:45.070 --> 00:12:47.230
we will rush these incredible resources to you today.
00:12:47.230 --> 00:12:51.040
Call 800-626-7454
00:12:51.040 --> 00:12:55.090
or visit TBN.org/StrongMarriage.
00:12:56.050 --> 00:12:58.290
- If you're just tuning in
00:13:03.060 --> 00:13:04.130
welcome to Strengths Based Marriage.
00:13:04.130 --> 00:13:06.130
We have a guest couple with us today.
00:13:06.130 --> 00:13:08.160
Let's have a look at how their strengths
00:13:08.160 --> 00:13:10.120
influence their marriage.
00:13:10.120 --> 00:13:12.260
- [Narrator] Today's couple
00:13:12.260 --> 00:13:14.070
is Libni and Abrahanny Rodriguez from Southlake, Texas.
00:13:14.070 --> 00:13:17.130
Libni's top five strengths are
00:13:17.130 --> 00:13:18.250
developer, restorative, analytical, input, and empathy.
00:13:18.250 --> 00:13:22.240
Abrahanny's top five strengths
00:13:23.200 --> 00:13:25.050
are responsibility, belief, connectedness, communication,
00:13:25.050 --> 00:13:28.160
and developer.
00:13:28.160 --> 00:13:29.210
- So great to have you back,
00:13:30.250 --> 00:13:31.290
I've been eagerly anticipating
00:13:31.290 --> 00:13:33.110
spending some time with this couple
00:13:33.110 --> 00:13:34.280
and so I wanna introduce them to you.
00:13:34.280 --> 00:13:36.160
This is Libni and Anny.
00:13:36.160 --> 00:13:38.210
Thank you so much for taking some time
00:13:38.210 --> 00:13:40.040
to come and spend it with us.
00:13:40.040 --> 00:13:41.210
Can you start just by telling us a little bit about
00:13:41.210 --> 00:13:44.060
who you are, your family, what you do?
00:13:44.060 --> 00:13:46.050
Just start with that.
00:13:46.050 --> 00:13:47.130
- Sure, definitely.
00:13:47.130 --> 00:13:48.200
Actually I will let my wife speak to that
00:13:48.200 --> 00:13:49.250
if you don't mind, yeah? - Good call Libni
00:13:49.250 --> 00:13:51.110
- Come on Anny give it to us.
00:13:51.110 --> 00:13:52.160
- Okay, So I'm Anny
00:13:52.160 --> 00:13:53.140
and this is my husband Libni.
00:13:53.140 --> 00:13:55.020
We have two amazing boys
00:13:55.020 --> 00:13:56.120
ages ten and seven.
00:13:56.120 --> 00:13:58.090
So it's a fun interesting age.
00:13:58.090 --> 00:14:00.260
- And what do you do for a living?
00:14:00.260 --> 00:14:02.020
I'm a photographer so I stay quite busy.
00:14:02.020 --> 00:14:04.020
- Yes you do.
00:14:04.020 --> 00:14:05.000
Weren't you just traveling?
00:14:05.000 --> 00:14:06.020
- I was.
00:14:06.020 --> 00:14:07.220
Which is very interesting.
00:14:07.220 --> 00:14:09.280
- Okay, Good Yep
00:14:09.280 --> 00:14:11.050
- Libni how about you?
00:14:11.050 --> 00:14:12.130
- So I'm a project manager actually,
00:14:12.130 --> 00:14:14.110
for Gateway church.
00:14:14.110 --> 00:14:15.270
And I support the Business and Accounting Department.
00:14:15.270 --> 00:14:18.020
- Awesome, and so you have two younger boys?
00:14:18.020 --> 00:14:19.250
How long have you been married?
00:14:19.250 --> 00:14:21.020
- We've been married for 11 years now.
00:14:21.020 --> 00:14:23.220
- 11 years.
00:14:23.220 --> 00:14:24.170
- And the big question.
00:14:24.170 --> 00:14:25.270
How long have you known your strengths
00:14:25.270 --> 00:14:27.240
or each other's strengths?
00:14:27.240 --> 00:14:29.200
- That's an interesting fact
00:14:29.200 --> 00:14:31.050
that's actually interesting question.
00:14:31.050 --> 00:14:33.100
We feel that,
00:14:33.100 --> 00:14:35.050
we kinda know certain aspects of it
00:14:35.050 --> 00:14:37.260
for a while now,
00:14:37.260 --> 00:14:39.100
so we try to understand one another.
00:14:39.100 --> 00:14:41.070
But it's good to us,
00:14:41.070 --> 00:14:42.270
when the book came out and some of that
00:14:42.270 --> 00:14:46.200
strength actually came out,
00:14:46.200 --> 00:14:48.020
we were able to go back and review them
00:14:48.020 --> 00:14:50.000
and really confirm what we believe
00:14:50.000 --> 00:14:53.110
were our strength in essence.
00:14:53.110 --> 00:14:55.120
- Oh, so you saw the strengths in each other
00:14:55.120 --> 00:14:57.100
you just didn't have a language
00:14:57.100 --> 00:14:58.250
to be able to communicate it effectively to each other.
00:14:58.250 --> 00:15:01.160
- Correct.
00:15:01.160 --> 00:15:02.160
- Did that make a difference
00:15:02.160 --> 00:15:03.230
in the quality of your communication then?
00:15:03.230 --> 00:15:06.070
- I felt like it felt like
00:15:06.070 --> 00:15:08.070
a light bulb.
00:15:08.070 --> 00:15:09.070
The "Ah ha!" of
00:15:09.070 --> 00:15:10.140
"Oh this is why."
00:15:10.140 --> 00:15:12.030
It gave us a little bit more of insight.
00:15:12.030 --> 00:15:14.080
- Yeah more insight,
00:15:14.080 --> 00:15:15.050
more understanding
00:15:15.050 --> 00:15:16.150
about how each other works. - That's right.
00:15:16.150 --> 00:15:17.120
- Yeah
00:15:17.120 --> 00:15:18.260
So Anny you've got this interesting mix of strengths
00:15:18.260 --> 00:15:22.050
and so that our viewing audience
00:15:22.050 --> 00:15:23.210
knows who you are from a strengths perspective,
00:15:23.210 --> 00:15:25.160
I just wanna talk about your strengths for a second.
00:15:25.160 --> 00:15:27.240
So - Okay.
00:15:27.240 --> 00:15:28.280
- You have responsibility.
00:15:28.280 --> 00:15:29.230
So you are so reliable.
00:15:29.230 --> 00:15:31.090
Utterly responsible for everything that you say yes to.
00:15:31.090 --> 00:15:33.290
Followed by belief which means
00:15:33.290 --> 00:15:36.120
that you have these core values
00:15:36.120 --> 00:15:37.220
that are very moral and ethically based
00:15:37.220 --> 00:15:40.040
and they guide all of your decisions.
00:15:40.040 --> 00:15:42.010
Connectedness which means
00:15:42.010 --> 00:15:44.020
that you can weave a story out of all these random facts
00:15:44.020 --> 00:15:47.000
and everything kind of links together
00:15:47.000 --> 00:15:48.280
and it all makes sense for you.
00:15:48.280 --> 00:15:50.080
You have communication which means
00:15:50.080 --> 00:15:52.130
you are very good at conveying ideas.
00:15:52.130 --> 00:15:56.040
Which I think is why
00:15:56.040 --> 00:15:57.120
it makes you a phenomenal photographer
00:15:57.120 --> 00:15:59.030
because a photograph is telling a story
00:15:59.030 --> 00:16:02.180
and you frame it in such a way as to tell that idea.
00:16:02.180 --> 00:16:05.070
So it's your communication being used there.
00:16:05.070 --> 00:16:07.230
And then the final one is developer.
00:16:07.230 --> 00:16:09.270
Just the idea that you love to incrementally
00:16:09.270 --> 00:16:12.150
bring other people along
00:16:12.150 --> 00:16:13.240
and make them better than they were,
00:16:13.240 --> 00:16:15.040
you know, yesterday.
00:16:15.040 --> 00:16:16.230
- That's great.
00:16:16.230 --> 00:16:18.050
- Libni, so is there anything about Anny's discovery
00:16:18.050 --> 00:16:20.050
of her strengths that stands out to you?
00:16:20.050 --> 00:16:22.070
Something that was revelatory for you
00:16:22.070 --> 00:16:23.280
when you saw it.
00:16:23.280 --> 00:16:24.290
- Yes, definitely.
00:16:24.290 --> 00:16:26.200
And I think one of the main point was
00:16:26.200 --> 00:16:28.290
her way of communicating and
00:16:28.290 --> 00:16:31.110
being over communicative.
00:16:31.110 --> 00:16:33.030
And not necessarily in a
00:16:33.030 --> 00:16:35.030
female way
00:16:36.120 --> 00:16:38.070
where they talk a lot,
00:16:38.290 --> 00:16:39.270
but more of really kind of
00:16:39.270 --> 00:16:41.040
wanna portray this is what I wanna do.
00:16:41.040 --> 00:16:42.240
This is what I envision myself in X more years.
00:16:42.240 --> 00:16:46.290
These are some of my goals.
00:16:47.250 --> 00:16:49.000
And really being comprehensive about it
00:16:49.000 --> 00:16:50.210
and specific.
00:16:50.210 --> 00:16:51.280
Saying "This is where we wanna be
00:16:51.280 --> 00:16:53.100
"at X stage of our lives."
00:16:53.100 --> 00:16:55.200
So it really kind of outlined that communication aspect.
00:16:55.200 --> 00:16:59.100
- So it kind of took you by surprise it sounds like.
00:16:59.100 --> 00:17:01.290
That she had so much to say
00:17:01.290 --> 00:17:04.070
and that it was so articulate.
00:17:04.070 --> 00:17:05.150
- Yes, correct. yeah
00:17:05.150 --> 00:17:06.270
- Huh, good.
00:17:06.270 --> 00:17:07.250
Alright well let's jump to you.
00:17:07.250 --> 00:17:09.020
We'll talk about your strengths for a second.
00:17:09.020 --> 00:17:10.190
Libni your strengths start off with developer.
00:17:10.190 --> 00:17:14.130
Just also,
00:17:14.130 --> 00:17:15.120
like your lovely bride,
00:17:15.120 --> 00:17:16.250
loves to bring people along incrementally.
00:17:16.250 --> 00:17:19.120
You have restorative which means
00:17:19.120 --> 00:17:21.250
that you see what might be missing
00:17:21.250 --> 00:17:23.160
in a situation if it's absent.
00:17:23.160 --> 00:17:25.240
And you have a desire to bring it back
00:17:25.240 --> 00:17:27.220
to its original glory or its original form.
00:17:27.220 --> 00:17:30.040
You have analytical which means
00:17:30.040 --> 00:17:32.090
you just need a little bit of time
00:17:32.090 --> 00:17:33.210
just to think some things through
00:17:33.210 --> 00:17:35.270
and to process all of the pieces
00:17:35.270 --> 00:17:38.120
that are a part of the conversation.
00:17:38.120 --> 00:17:41.010
You have input which means you love to learn.
00:17:41.010 --> 00:17:43.020
And you have an interest in gathering new data
00:17:43.020 --> 00:17:46.070
and new facts.
00:17:46.070 --> 00:17:47.200
And then lastly you have empathy
00:17:47.200 --> 00:17:49.050
which really just enables you to emotionally feel
00:17:49.050 --> 00:17:51.110
how other people are feeling.
00:17:51.110 --> 00:17:53.270
And so is there anything about Libni then,
00:17:53.270 --> 00:17:56.120
and his strengths,
00:17:56.120 --> 00:17:57.190
that really stood out to you Anny,
00:17:57.190 --> 00:17:59.030
or that you were really attracted to when you first met?
00:17:59.030 --> 00:18:01.180
- I think his ability to love on people
00:18:01.180 --> 00:18:04.170
and serve people so well.
00:18:04.170 --> 00:18:06.140
And he's just seeing the best in them
00:18:06.140 --> 00:18:09.050
and bringing them out into the light.
00:18:09.050 --> 00:18:11.210
I love seeing that and I felt like
00:18:11.210 --> 00:18:13.110
I was connected to that,
00:18:13.110 --> 00:18:14.210
'cause I love communicating with people
00:18:14.210 --> 00:18:16.040
and just building people up.
00:18:16.040 --> 00:18:17.260
And so to see that it was like
00:18:17.260 --> 00:18:19.220
"Oh this is someone I'm interested in
00:18:19.220 --> 00:18:22.200
and finding out a little bit more about."
00:18:22.200 --> 00:18:24.170
- Alright so when I think about
00:18:24.170 --> 00:18:26.080
how your strengths group together,
00:18:26.080 --> 00:18:27.280
you know,
00:18:27.280 --> 00:18:29.030
you both have an interesting mix where
00:18:29.030 --> 00:18:30.220
you've got 40% of your strengths
00:18:30.220 --> 00:18:33.210
are relationship-building strengths.
00:18:33.210 --> 00:18:36.060
And you both have that.
00:18:36.060 --> 00:18:37.130
But then it gets different because
00:18:37.130 --> 00:18:39.090
Anny yours are then have an additional 40%
00:18:39.090 --> 00:18:42.030
that are executing.
00:18:42.030 --> 00:18:43.120
Like you like to kinda get stuff done.
00:18:43.120 --> 00:18:45.000
Whereas your 40% Libni,
00:18:45.000 --> 00:18:47.010
is more of a strategic thinking kind of thing.
00:18:47.010 --> 00:18:49.070
So you have some elements that tie you together
00:18:49.070 --> 00:18:52.090
and then you have some elements that bring
00:18:52.090 --> 00:18:54.030
distinction or
00:18:54.030 --> 00:18:55.170
kind of color
00:18:55.170 --> 00:18:56.280
to your relationship.
00:18:56.280 --> 00:18:58.120
Has that similarity or difference
00:18:58.120 --> 00:19:01.000
ever created friction for you at all?
00:19:01.000 --> 00:19:04.140
- It has!
00:19:04.140 --> 00:19:05.090
And so I feel like when I wanna execute and get things done,
00:19:06.280 --> 00:19:10.220
he wants to pause and he wants to think about the what-ifs
00:19:10.220 --> 00:19:14.090
and he's going around it.
00:19:14.090 --> 00:19:15.190
And I'm about to execute.
00:19:15.190 --> 00:19:16.250
I'm about to make this decision.
00:19:16.250 --> 00:19:18.190
And I'm waiting on him and so that's always,
00:19:18.190 --> 00:19:21.150
there's always an interesting time
00:19:21.150 --> 00:19:23.160
because I have to get going.
00:19:23.160 --> 00:19:25.010
I wanna move on.
00:19:25.010 --> 00:19:26.070
And he's like "We have to take our time.
00:19:26.070 --> 00:19:28.150
"I still need to do my research on that."
00:19:28.150 --> 00:19:30.200
and I'm like, you know.
00:19:30.200 --> 00:19:32.040
And so that's really interesting I think.
00:19:32.040 --> 00:19:34.130
I'm very stretched in that way.
00:19:34.130 --> 00:19:36.020
- Well these strengths are so influential on our lives.
00:19:36.020 --> 00:19:38.100
They cause us to be interested in different kinds of books
00:19:38.100 --> 00:19:42.010
and different kinds of entertainment.
00:19:42.010 --> 00:19:43.190
Different kinds of friends.
00:19:43.190 --> 00:19:45.210
But this is episode seven
00:19:45.210 --> 00:19:47.290
and this week we're talking about
00:19:47.290 --> 00:19:50.290
how your strengths really affect
00:19:50.290 --> 00:19:52.270
what happens in the bedroom also.
00:19:52.270 --> 00:19:54.260
And so I'm fascinated to see
00:19:54.260 --> 00:19:56.260
who starts the communication
00:19:56.260 --> 00:19:59.110
about what happens in the bedroom
00:19:59.110 --> 00:20:01.050
and how you do that?
00:20:01.050 --> 00:20:02.250
- Okay.
00:20:04.150 --> 00:20:05.100
- Who wants to answer?
00:20:05.100 --> 00:20:06.090
- I'll let my wife go first.
00:20:06.090 --> 00:20:07.240
(laughing)
00:20:07.240 --> 00:20:09.040
Let the ladies go first.
00:20:09.040 --> 00:20:10.180
- Come on Anny what are you thinking about?
00:20:10.180 --> 00:20:11.270
- Oh that's so funny.
00:20:11.270 --> 00:20:13.130
Okay so I feel like I'm the first to start communicating
00:20:13.130 --> 00:20:16.050
and I start talking about our day
00:20:16.050 --> 00:20:17.200
of what I've done-- - So that's how you do it.
00:20:17.200 --> 00:20:18.280
You start starting talking about your day?
00:20:18.280 --> 00:20:20.280
- Yeah, well I talk a lot
00:20:20.280 --> 00:20:22.100
and so I feel like I start about my day
00:20:22.100 --> 00:20:24.090
because I want him to lean in and tell me about his.
00:20:24.090 --> 00:20:26.220
And early on,
00:20:26.220 --> 00:20:27.210
we have 11 years married,
00:20:27.210 --> 00:20:29.060
so we've learned what not to do I think early on,
00:20:29.060 --> 00:20:31.260
based on what our sort of aggravation
00:20:31.260 --> 00:20:34.090
getting things started
00:20:34.090 --> 00:20:36.000
and so we've communicated.
00:20:36.000 --> 00:20:37.180
And you can,
00:20:37.180 --> 00:20:38.180
you were resourceful
00:20:38.180 --> 00:20:41.060
in saying
00:20:41.060 --> 00:20:42.020
how 'bout we pick a word
00:20:42.020 --> 00:20:43.090
that when you wanna move forward with this then
00:20:43.090 --> 00:20:46.210
- Ah ha
00:20:46.210 --> 00:20:47.280
- and so I want him to explain that part.
00:20:47.280 --> 00:20:49.170
- So when there's a communication that you are thinking
00:20:49.170 --> 00:20:51.030
is gonna become more amorous
00:20:51.030 --> 00:20:52.240
and you're hoping that that's the case,
00:20:52.240 --> 00:20:54.100
this word is the word that confirms
00:20:54.100 --> 00:20:56.150
that that's the intention
00:20:56.150 --> 00:20:57.260
that's in place? - That that's the intention.
00:20:57.260 --> 00:20:59.120
- This is fascinating!
00:20:59.120 --> 00:21:00.270
Okay so you've gotta - So you need to understand.
00:21:00.270 --> 00:21:02.130
We have two kids.
00:21:02.130 --> 00:21:03.200
We have a seven and a ten year old.
00:21:03.200 --> 00:21:05.000
And they're very,
00:21:05.000 --> 00:21:05.290
they pick up on everything.
00:21:05.290 --> 00:21:07.070
And we're always having to kind of find a way
00:21:07.070 --> 00:21:09.170
how to say "Hey, we're gonna do something tonight."
00:21:09.170 --> 00:21:13.030
so one of those words
00:21:13.030 --> 00:21:14.190
or one of those key points we found is
00:21:14.190 --> 00:21:16.040
We're gonna do exercise, right?
00:21:16.040 --> 00:21:18.160
So I think they're very involved in sports
00:21:18.160 --> 00:21:21.010
and they're very active
00:21:21.010 --> 00:21:22.070
and so I think that kind of bring the whole
00:21:22.070 --> 00:21:23.250
picture together
00:21:23.250 --> 00:21:25.060
and there's no miscues or no
00:21:25.060 --> 00:21:27.160
wanna say it's safe on the house,
00:21:29.040 --> 00:21:31.060
just to say "Hey we're gonna have something
00:21:31.060 --> 00:21:32.220
"we're gonna exercise tonight."
00:21:32.220 --> 00:21:33.280
so that's kind of one of the key phrases
00:21:33.280 --> 00:21:35.150
that we've come to use and I kind of,
00:21:35.150 --> 00:21:38.120
me as an analytical,
00:21:38.120 --> 00:21:39.190
helps me really to catch on
00:21:39.190 --> 00:21:41.220
when I'm not getting her cues as a communicator.
00:21:41.220 --> 00:21:44.060
- Ah, so you have an ability to move a little faster
00:21:44.060 --> 00:21:46.270
and he needs a little help sometimes
00:21:46.270 --> 00:21:48.130
catching up on what's happening?
00:21:48.130 --> 00:21:49.270
- Absolutely.
00:21:49.270 --> 00:21:51.080
- Okay, so you've developed some relationship
00:21:51.080 --> 00:21:53.040
and communication that makes that a possibility.
00:21:53.040 --> 00:21:55.060
- That's right.
00:21:55.060 --> 00:21:56.010
- That's wonderful.
00:21:56.010 --> 00:21:57.050
So from a strengths perspective
00:21:57.050 --> 00:21:58.120
I'm seeing how your interest in relationship
00:21:58.120 --> 00:22:01.160
is where all of this begins.
00:22:01.160 --> 00:22:04.030
Communication around relationship is where it begins.
00:22:04.030 --> 00:22:06.090
Obviously communication for you
00:22:06.090 --> 00:22:07.240
because you have communication
00:22:07.240 --> 00:22:09.140
as one of your top strengths.
00:22:09.140 --> 00:22:10.200
So you use your strength
00:22:10.200 --> 00:22:12.180
to send a flag that says
00:22:12.180 --> 00:22:14.120
"Hey I'm open for business today."
00:22:14.120 --> 00:22:15.260
- Yeah, absolutely.
00:22:15.260 --> 00:22:17.140
- That's fascinating
00:22:17.140 --> 00:22:18.220
So,
00:22:19.260 --> 00:22:20.290
one of you,
00:22:21.170 --> 00:22:22.240
because of the mix of strengths that you have,
00:22:22.240 --> 00:22:24.010
is more interested in variety than the other.
00:22:24.010 --> 00:22:26.010
And I'm wondering if that has an effect
00:22:26.010 --> 00:22:28.050
in your bedroom activities
00:22:28.050 --> 00:22:30.170
and why that is.
00:22:30.170 --> 00:22:33.070
- Um, I don't know why that is,
00:22:34.040 --> 00:22:36.090
but I think--
00:22:36.090 --> 00:22:37.070
(everyone laughing)
00:22:37.070 --> 00:22:38.190
- I'm saying this because of your strengths
00:22:38.190 --> 00:22:39.210
is really what I'm saying.
00:22:39.210 --> 00:22:41.010
- But it's really interesting
00:22:41.010 --> 00:22:42.160
I feel like
00:22:42.160 --> 00:22:44.070
I feel like we've grown to try different things
00:22:44.070 --> 00:22:47.040
but in a safe environment.
00:22:47.040 --> 00:22:49.270
- Well you know kind of us in the early stages,
00:22:49.270 --> 00:22:52.260
we come from a pastoral family or background,
00:22:52.260 --> 00:22:56.210
and one of the things is always
00:22:56.210 --> 00:22:58.100
we're wanting to safeguard our relationship,
00:22:58.100 --> 00:23:01.090
our entity as a family.
00:23:01.090 --> 00:23:03.230
And in the sexual aspect.
00:23:03.230 --> 00:23:05.080
So we try to kind of keep it safe.
00:23:05.080 --> 00:23:08.220
I wanna say updated,
00:23:09.280 --> 00:23:11.140
young,
00:23:11.140 --> 00:23:12.100
active.
00:23:12.100 --> 00:23:13.160
And we try to keep it open and exciting.
00:23:13.160 --> 00:23:16.170
But you know in essence kind of also
00:23:17.280 --> 00:23:21.200
more on maybe her kind of leading on to say
00:23:21.200 --> 00:23:25.020
well this is what we might do
00:23:25.020 --> 00:23:27.000
or we might want to explore.
00:23:27.000 --> 00:23:29.140
- Yeah
00:23:29.140 --> 00:23:30.090
- So in that sense
00:23:30.090 --> 00:23:31.170
and I'm not sure if I'm putting it out there but
00:23:31.170 --> 00:23:32.240
in essence kind of we try to safeguard
00:23:32.240 --> 00:23:35.290
just because we wanna keep
00:23:35.290 --> 00:23:37.080
the entity safe.
00:23:37.080 --> 00:23:39.150
And not lead to allow other options
00:23:39.150 --> 00:23:41.210
to get into our marriage.
00:23:41.210 --> 00:23:43.060
- Yeah, well I think the surprising thing for this
00:23:43.060 --> 00:23:45.190
is knowing that
00:23:45.190 --> 00:23:46.270
that your strengths could have any kind of influence
00:23:48.200 --> 00:23:51.080
in this particular element of your lives.
00:23:51.080 --> 00:23:53.050
And it really does.
00:23:53.050 --> 00:23:54.120
And so as we're closing today's conversation,
00:23:54.120 --> 00:23:57.080
I'd like to leave you with these thoughts.
00:23:57.080 --> 00:23:59.060
In regard to this kind of amorous activity, right?
00:23:59.060 --> 00:24:02.290
Just some ways to bring your strengths into the bedroom.
00:24:02.290 --> 00:24:06.170
I think if you guys
00:24:06.170 --> 00:24:07.240
took separate sheets of paper.
00:24:07.240 --> 00:24:09.250
Wrote each of your strengths
00:24:09.250 --> 00:24:11.190
separately on a piece of paper
00:24:11.190 --> 00:24:13.260
and then just wrote some of the
00:24:13.260 --> 00:24:16.200
kind of between the sheets activity
00:24:16.200 --> 00:24:18.270
that would speak to that strength for you.
00:24:18.270 --> 00:24:21.090
It would bring more interest and color into the bedroom
00:24:21.090 --> 00:24:25.130
and the net effect of it all is
00:24:25.130 --> 00:24:28.140
it's clearer communication.
00:24:28.140 --> 00:24:30.110
Right?
00:24:30.110 --> 00:24:31.160
You both know what's going on and
00:24:31.160 --> 00:24:33.020
there's a cleaner expectation about where we're going
00:24:33.020 --> 00:24:35.150
and what's happening.
00:24:35.150 --> 00:24:36.250
But it's also,
00:24:36.250 --> 00:24:37.290
and very powerfully,
00:24:37.290 --> 00:24:39.020
a way to say,
00:24:39.020 --> 00:24:40.090
I see you.
00:24:40.090 --> 00:24:41.140
I see what you need and I love you
00:24:41.140 --> 00:24:43.260
and I want to serve you in every way that I can.
00:24:43.260 --> 00:24:46.020
And so then there's no unmet expectations.
00:24:46.020 --> 00:24:49.130
You know? - That's right.
00:24:49.130 --> 00:24:50.210
- So I'll leave you with that one.
00:24:50.210 --> 00:24:51.290
Thank you so much for being here.
00:24:51.290 --> 00:24:53.120
- Thank you.
00:24:53.120 --> 00:24:54.180
- Well thank you for having us here.
00:24:54.180 --> 00:24:56.000
- It was really a joy spending time with you today.
00:24:56.000 --> 00:24:57.190
- It's our pleasure.
00:24:57.190 --> 00:24:58.140
- Thank you.
00:24:58.140 --> 00:24:59.140
- I love to see stories like that.
00:25:00.210 --> 00:25:02.040
That's why we do what we do
00:25:02.040 --> 00:25:03.130
and an example of the impact
00:25:03.130 --> 00:25:05.220
these powerful resources can have on your marriage.
00:25:05.220 --> 00:25:09.030
- Yeah for example,
00:25:09.030 --> 00:25:10.100
maybe your number one strength is empathy.
00:25:10.100 --> 00:25:12.090
and your spouses strength is to be restorative.
00:25:12.090 --> 00:25:15.150
Being aware of that is so important
00:25:15.150 --> 00:25:17.140
because it will help you to understand
00:25:17.140 --> 00:25:19.030
how each of you think.
00:25:19.030 --> 00:25:20.130
Because while someone who is empathetic
00:25:20.130 --> 00:25:22.040
will feel what others are feeling,
00:25:22.040 --> 00:25:24.160
a restorative spouse will see a problem
00:25:24.160 --> 00:25:26.230
and try to fix it.
00:25:26.230 --> 00:25:28.060
They both want there to be resolution
00:25:28.060 --> 00:25:30.110
and understanding,
00:25:30.110 --> 00:25:31.120
peace and growth.
00:25:31.120 --> 00:25:32.270
But their perspectives are completely opposite and
00:25:32.270 --> 00:25:35.270
if misunderstood by each other,
00:25:35.270 --> 00:25:37.210
can be cause for some really heated discussion.
00:25:37.210 --> 00:25:40.140
- But trust me,
00:25:40.140 --> 00:25:41.190
no matter what situation you're in,
00:25:41.190 --> 00:25:43.110
your marriage can thrive in every area,
00:25:43.110 --> 00:25:46.180
emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
00:25:46.180 --> 00:25:48.250
And we wanna help you experience that today.
00:25:48.250 --> 00:25:51.110
So request your Strengths Based Marriage resources
00:25:51.110 --> 00:25:54.080
with your gift
00:25:54.080 --> 00:25:55.230
and discover the principles you need to see yourself,
00:25:55.230 --> 00:25:58.050
your spouse,
00:25:58.050 --> 00:25:59.050
and your marriage,
00:25:59.050 --> 00:26:00.230
in a new amazing way.
00:26:00.230 --> 00:26:03.030
- [Narrator] TBN wants you to discover
00:26:03.030 --> 00:26:05.060
the truths and principles found in
00:26:05.060 --> 00:26:06.260
Strengths Based Marriage.
00:26:06.260 --> 00:26:08.110
And you will begin to see a relationship with your spouse
00:26:08.110 --> 00:26:10.200
in a whole new way.
00:26:10.200 --> 00:26:12.040
Call or go online to request this powerful collection today.
00:26:12.040 --> 00:26:15.160
With your gift of $120 or more.
00:26:15.160 --> 00:26:18.020
And as our thank you for supporting TBN,
00:26:18.020 --> 00:26:20.160
we will rush these incredible resources to you today.
00:26:20.160 --> 00:26:23.220
Call 800-626-7454
00:26:23.220 --> 00:26:27.270
or visit TBN.org/StrongMarriage.
00:26:28.230 --> 00:26:31.150
- I am so glad you spent some time with us
00:26:35.090 --> 00:26:37.110
discovering how a Strengths Based Marriage
00:26:37.110 --> 00:26:39.170
can positively affect the intimacy in your marriage.
00:26:39.170 --> 00:26:42.200
Teamwork isn't just practical,
00:26:42.200 --> 00:26:44.290
it can be pleasurable too.
00:26:44.290 --> 00:26:46.240
And God wants couples to serve and complement each other
00:26:46.240 --> 00:26:49.230
and that includes
00:26:49.230 --> 00:26:51.010
what happens in the bedroom.
00:26:51.010 --> 00:26:52.140
After all, sex was God's idea.
00:26:52.140 --> 00:26:55.050
Next time on Strengths Base Marriage,
00:26:55.050 --> 00:26:56.290
we'll look at another idea that's good
00:26:56.290 --> 00:26:58.280
for both husbands and wives.
00:26:58.280 --> 00:27:00.270
It's the concept of shared control.
00:27:00.270 --> 00:27:03.070
And how traditional roles might play out
00:27:03.070 --> 00:27:05.120
in the face of our shifting culture's concept
00:27:05.120 --> 00:27:08.040
of how men and women should treat each other.
00:27:08.040 --> 00:27:10.180
It's sure to stir up some lively conversation.
00:27:10.180 --> 00:27:12.200
And I hope you'll join us to see
00:27:12.200 --> 00:27:14.090
what God has to say
00:27:14.090 --> 00:27:15.200
about His brilliant design for marriage
00:27:15.200 --> 00:27:17.240
on the next insightful episode
00:27:17.240 --> 00:27:20.000
of Strengths Based Marriage.
00:27:20.000 --> 00:27:21.220
And we'll see you then.
00:27:21.220 --> 00:27:23.190

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