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Sex, Love & Relationships

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February 7, 2017
52:02

Sex Addiction

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Sex, Love & Relationships

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  • - male announcer: The themes
  • 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.190
  • discussed in this episode
  • 00:00:01.190 --> 00:00:02.130
  • do not take into account
  • 00:00:02.130 --> 00:00:03.260
  • your specific situation
  • 00:00:03.260 --> 00:00:05.030
  • or needs.
  • 00:00:05.030 --> 00:00:06.010
  • If you or a family member
  • 00:00:06.010 --> 00:00:07.070
  • requires assistance or support,
  • 00:00:07.070 --> 00:00:09.000
  • please seek help
  • 00:00:09.000 --> 00:00:09.260
  • from a qualified
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  • - Niyah Rahmaan: Welcome
  • 00:00:19.140 --> 00:00:20.000
  • to "Sex, Love & Relationships,"
  • 00:00:20.000 --> 00:00:21.120
  • the show where we discover
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  • answers on choosing
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  • the right life partner,
  • 00:00:23.260 --> 00:00:25.020
  • navigating the surging seas
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  • of social media, and yep,
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  • you guessed it, sex.
  • 00:00:28.160 --> 00:00:30.070
  • And my mama's gonna kill me
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  • for saying that word
  • 00:00:31.080 --> 00:00:32.060
  • so many times.
  • 00:00:32.060 --> 00:00:33.000
  • Okay, so my name is Niyah,
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  • and I am joined
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  • by John and Helen Burns,
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  • our relationship experts
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  • all the way from Canada.
  • 00:00:38.120 --> 00:00:39.290
  • John and Helen are a wealth
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  • of knowledge when it comes
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  • to relationships.
  • 00:00:42.080 --> 00:00:43.080
  • They've had their own radio
  • 00:00:43.080 --> 00:00:44.180
  • and television show for years.
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  • They're authors of award-winning
  • 00:00:46.090 --> 00:00:47.270
  • and bestselling
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  • relationship books,
  • 00:00:48.190 --> 00:00:49.210
  • and have been helping singles
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  • and couples navigate
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  • through life for over 30 years.
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  • Today we interview
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  • a very special guest
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  • who counsels people in breaking
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  • the chains of addiction,
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  • has spoken at conferences
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  • all over the world, and is
  • 00:01:01.160 --> 00:01:03.000
  • a regular television guest.
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  • - Aaron Jayne: It's God's job
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  • to forgive you of sin,
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  • but it's not God's job to keep
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  • you from doing it again.
  • 00:01:09.090 --> 00:01:11.190
  • - Niyah: Also coming up
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  • in this show, we have
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  • John and Helen taking
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  • some real-life questions
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  • from our studio audience.
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  • - John Burns: I think
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  • there's pursuit on both sides.
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  • But typically, it's the woman
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  • that lets him know that,
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  • "I'm available for pursuit."
  • 00:01:22.290 --> 00:01:25.290
  • - Helen Burns: Is that
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  • your version of flirting?
  • 00:01:26.140 --> 00:01:27.150
  • - John: That is my version
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  • of flirting.
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  • - Niyah: And we head
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  • to social media to see
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  • what's trending online.
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  • - Niyah: What's up with that?
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  • - John: Does that sound
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  • familiar at all, Helen?
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  • - Helen: I was gonna say,
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  • sounds like the early years
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  • of our marriage.
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  • - Niyah: You're not gonna wanna
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  • miss this.
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  • - Niyah: So the overarching
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  • topic for today is addiction.
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  • And John and Helen,
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  • I know you have some wise
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  • and some godly wisdom on this.
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  • Talk to me about addiction.
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  • How heavy is this?
  • 00:02:15.240 --> 00:02:16.190
  • - John: Well, this topic is
  • 00:02:16.190 --> 00:02:17.150
  • sexual addiction,
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  • which is really, really heavy
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  • and really, really important.
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  • And I just can't think
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  • of a better topic.
  • 00:02:22.210 --> 00:02:24.050
  • People need to get
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  • on their phone and call
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  • their friends to watch
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  • this show, really important.
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  • - Niyah: This is not somethin'
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  • we kinda talk about
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  • even in the church or, you know,
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  • just amongst your friends.
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  • - Helen: Yeah, you're right.
  • 00:02:31.270 --> 00:02:33.140
  • And yet it is something I think
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  • we're very naïve if we
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  • don't realize that it is
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  • a massive crisis.
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  • And families are hurting.
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  • Couples are hurting.
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  • Children need help.
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  • It's just there's
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  • real brokenness.
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  • And there's help available,
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  • but we have to take it out.
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  • Talk about it.
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  • Bring it into the light.
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  • Get some wisdom on it.
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  • And I think we're gonna do
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  • a good job of that today.
  • 00:02:53.040 --> 00:02:54.180
  • - Niyah: Yeah, I'm glad we're
  • 00:02:54.180 --> 00:02:55.060
  • talkin' about this,
  • 00:02:55.060 --> 00:02:56.000
  • 'cause I know a lot of people
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  • will be impacted by this.
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  • Now, today we're
  • 00:02:58.130 --> 00:02:59.030
  • mixing things up a bit.
  • 00:02:59.030 --> 00:03:00.170
  • And joining us now is
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  • one of our delegates
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  • from Hillsong LA with a question
  • 00:03:02.190 --> 00:03:04.030
  • for John and Helen.
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  • - female:
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  • Pastor John and Helen Burns,
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  • I wanna get better
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  • at communicating well
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  • with others at work.
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  • So my question is, what is
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  • the best tactic when you need
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  • to agree to disagree?
  • 00:03:14.180 --> 00:03:17.100
  • - Niyah: Ooh, that's
  • 00:03:17.100 --> 00:03:18.120
  • a good one.
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  • - John: Yeah, it's
  • 00:03:19.030 --> 00:03:19.180
  • a great question,
  • 00:03:19.180 --> 00:03:20.030
  • especially when you're talkin'
  • 00:03:20.030 --> 00:03:21.010
  • about it in the work atmosphere.
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  • - Niyah: Yeah, well, I mean,
  • 00:03:22.160 --> 00:03:23.140
  • you think about work and you're
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  • like, "I don't offend my boss
  • 00:03:24.280 --> 00:03:27.010
  • so let me keep quiet."
  • 00:03:27.010 --> 00:03:28.180
  • How do you work through that?
  • 00:03:28.180 --> 00:03:30.040
  • - John: Right, you
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  • don't wanna start the divisions
  • 00:03:30.190 --> 00:03:32.000
  • that happen so often.
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  • - Niyah: No drama.
  • 00:03:33.000 --> 00:03:33.190
  • We don't want drama.
  • 00:03:33.190 --> 00:03:34.100
  • - John: Communication is
  • 00:03:34.100 --> 00:03:35.190
  • the key, but it's also could be
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  • the enemy, if you don't know
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  • how to do it right.
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  • - Helen: What I love that she
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  • started with is,
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  • "I want to learn how."
  • 00:03:42.090 --> 00:03:44.090
  • And that's the thing
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  • with everything
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  • with relationships,
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  • and especially
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  • with communication.
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  • It's really learning
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  • to understand.
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  • And so, there are lots of times,
  • 00:03:50.210 --> 00:03:53.120
  • so many times,
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  • like every relationship,
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  • where we disagree on things.
  • 00:03:56.040 --> 00:03:57.260
  • And so do we just shy back
  • 00:03:57.260 --> 00:03:59.070
  • and not be our really,
  • 00:03:59.070 --> 00:04:00.130
  • our true authentic self?
  • 00:04:00.130 --> 00:04:02.030
  • Or do we step
  • 00:04:02.030 --> 00:04:02.190
  • into the conversation
  • 00:04:02.190 --> 00:04:03.290
  • and actually have
  • 00:04:03.290 --> 00:04:04.270
  • difficult conversations?
  • 00:04:04.270 --> 00:04:06.070
  • But, you know,
  • 00:04:06.070 --> 00:04:07.030
  • whether it's with a spouse,
  • 00:04:07.030 --> 00:04:08.050
  • or whether with it's a boss,
  • 00:04:08.050 --> 00:04:09.240
  • or our children, honor
  • 00:04:09.240 --> 00:04:11.070
  • and respect always has to be
  • 00:04:11.070 --> 00:04:12.240
  • the theme.
  • 00:04:12.240 --> 00:04:13.190
  • But when we disagree,
  • 00:04:13.190 --> 00:04:15.180
  • so often we feel like it
  • 00:04:15.180 --> 00:04:16.200
  • has to be combative.
  • 00:04:16.200 --> 00:04:18.010
  • So--
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  • - Niyah: When do you know you
  • 00:04:18.200 --> 00:04:19.130
  • have that permission though?
  • 00:04:19.130 --> 00:04:20.110
  • - John: Right.
  • 00:04:20.110 --> 00:04:20.270
  • I think that's the key, is
  • 00:04:20.270 --> 00:04:22.280
  • the depth of relationship
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  • is going to give you
  • 00:04:25.180 --> 00:04:26.240
  • the permission.
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  • When you first start
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  • a relationship,
  • 00:04:28.280 --> 00:04:29.290
  • you really have to be,
  • 00:04:29.290 --> 00:04:30.280
  • you know, watching
  • 00:04:30.280 --> 00:04:32.160
  • and trying to discover,
  • 00:04:32.160 --> 00:04:35.040
  • "What can they handle?"
  • 00:04:35.040 --> 00:04:37.060
  • You know, what do they want
  • 00:04:37.060 --> 00:04:38.060
  • to hear?
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  • Like, for instance,
  • 00:04:38.290 --> 00:04:39.210
  • if you're just startin' a job
  • 00:04:39.210 --> 00:04:41.030
  • and you're talkin' to your boss,
  • 00:04:41.030 --> 00:04:42.010
  • what does he wanna hear?
  • 00:04:42.010 --> 00:04:43.130
  • Does he want you just to say
  • 00:04:43.130 --> 00:04:45.020
  • everything, placating him,
  • 00:04:45.020 --> 00:04:46.170
  • and everything nice?
  • 00:04:46.170 --> 00:04:47.110
  • Or does he really want to know
  • 00:04:47.110 --> 00:04:48.260
  • what you're thinking about this?
  • 00:04:48.260 --> 00:04:50.260
  • Because, you know, myself,
  • 00:04:50.260 --> 00:04:52.050
  • I've got people around me.
  • 00:04:52.050 --> 00:04:53.250
  • I don't want them placating me.
  • 00:04:53.250 --> 00:04:55.290
  • I want them telling me
  • 00:04:55.290 --> 00:04:57.020
  • the truth.
  • 00:04:57.020 --> 00:04:57.260
  • But they might not know that.
  • 00:04:57.260 --> 00:04:59.240
  • So I think in every relationship
  • 00:04:59.280 --> 00:05:03.000
  • there needs to be
  • 00:05:03.000 --> 00:05:04.020
  • a continual discovery
  • 00:05:04.020 --> 00:05:06.060
  • of, "What do you want to hear?"
  • 00:05:06.060 --> 00:05:08.000
  • - Helen: You know, this is
  • 00:05:08.000 --> 00:05:08.190
  • interesting, 'cause as a boss,
  • 00:05:08.190 --> 00:05:10.120
  • you--I know you as a boss
  • 00:05:10.120 --> 00:05:12.220
  • when you were a dentist.
  • 00:05:12.220 --> 00:05:13.250
  • And now he's been a pastor
  • 00:05:13.250 --> 00:05:14.200
  • for the last 30 years.
  • 00:05:14.200 --> 00:05:16.030
  • And we had to discover
  • 00:05:16.030 --> 00:05:17.290
  • how to talk to you.
  • 00:05:17.290 --> 00:05:18.210
  • There was people that were
  • 00:05:18.210 --> 00:05:19.080
  • very afraid to talk to you
  • 00:05:19.080 --> 00:05:20.150
  • at first.
  • 00:05:20.150 --> 00:05:21.000
  • Not because you
  • 00:05:21.000 --> 00:05:21.160
  • didn't wanna hear them,
  • 00:05:21.160 --> 00:05:22.240
  • but you kinda gave off--
  • 00:05:22.240 --> 00:05:23.180
  • - John: I can't understand that
  • 00:05:23.180 --> 00:05:24.070
  • at all.
  • 00:05:24.070 --> 00:05:25.000
  • - Niyah: I would never
  • 00:05:25.000 --> 00:05:25.150
  • understand that.
  • 00:05:25.150 --> 00:05:26.170
  • - Helen: But actually,
  • 00:05:26.170 --> 00:05:27.130
  • I think we learnt a key early.
  • 00:05:27.130 --> 00:05:29.170
  • And I could help people
  • 00:05:29.170 --> 00:05:30.160
  • that would work with you.
  • 00:05:30.160 --> 00:05:31.160
  • And I needed to learn it.
  • 00:05:31.160 --> 00:05:33.040
  • For John it was, "Don't come
  • 00:05:33.040 --> 00:05:34.070
  • to me with a problem
  • 00:05:34.070 --> 00:05:35.070
  • and just tell me
  • 00:05:35.070 --> 00:05:35.270
  • something's wrong.
  • 00:05:35.270 --> 00:05:37.110
  • Have you thought
  • 00:05:37.110 --> 00:05:37.260
  • about a solution?
  • 00:05:37.260 --> 00:05:39.010
  • Have you thought about what you
  • 00:05:39.010 --> 00:05:40.080
  • want, what the goal is
  • 00:05:40.080 --> 00:05:42.030
  • with this?"
  • 00:05:42.030 --> 00:05:42.220
  • And I actually think,
  • 00:05:42.220 --> 00:05:44.060
  • in our relationship
  • 00:05:44.060 --> 00:05:45.280
  • personally and also
  • 00:05:45.280 --> 00:05:46.290
  • our relationship working
  • 00:05:46.290 --> 00:05:48.020
  • with so many other people,
  • 00:05:48.020 --> 00:05:49.280
  • the bottom line is always,
  • 00:05:49.280 --> 00:05:51.060
  • before we come to you
  • 00:05:51.060 --> 00:05:52.040
  • with a problem, "Have you
  • 00:05:52.040 --> 00:05:53.120
  • thought about what you
  • 00:05:53.120 --> 00:05:55.100
  • would like the solution to be?
  • 00:05:55.100 --> 00:05:57.090
  • What do you want out of it?"
  • 00:05:57.090 --> 00:05:58.270
  • And even if we're going
  • 00:05:58.270 --> 00:06:00.160
  • to disagree on how it's
  • 00:06:00.160 --> 00:06:01.180
  • going to happen, at least
  • 00:06:01.180 --> 00:06:03.000
  • we've listened to each other.
  • 00:06:03.000 --> 00:06:04.120
  • We've thought
  • 00:06:04.120 --> 00:06:05.020
  • about possible solutions.
  • 00:06:05.020 --> 00:06:06.180
  • So it's not contentious.
  • 00:06:06.180 --> 00:06:07.260
  • We're actually working on it.
  • 00:06:07.260 --> 00:06:09.130
  • - Niyah: What happens
  • 00:06:09.130 --> 00:06:10.010
  • if that person doesn't take it
  • 00:06:10.010 --> 00:06:10.280
  • the right way, though?
  • 00:06:10.280 --> 00:06:11.230
  • So, I come to you.
  • 00:06:11.230 --> 00:06:13.020
  • You're my co-worker.
  • 00:06:13.020 --> 00:06:14.110
  • And I'm trying to agree
  • 00:06:14.110 --> 00:06:15.180
  • to disagree
  • 00:06:15.180 --> 00:06:16.190
  • in all the right ways,
  • 00:06:16.190 --> 00:06:18.080
  • but you kinda, you know,
  • 00:06:18.080 --> 00:06:19.170
  • you want the drama.
  • 00:06:19.170 --> 00:06:20.150
  • You want the, you know?
  • 00:06:20.150 --> 00:06:22.230
  • - John: I think, you know,
  • 00:06:22.230 --> 00:06:23.110
  • you're always gonna have
  • 00:06:23.110 --> 00:06:24.160
  • those conflicts.
  • 00:06:24.160 --> 00:06:26.190
  • And conflict resolution
  • 00:06:26.190 --> 00:06:28.110
  • is a huge part.
  • 00:06:28.110 --> 00:06:30.180
  • I say this, you know,
  • 00:06:30.180 --> 00:06:32.110
  • and I don't know if it's true.
  • 00:06:32.110 --> 00:06:33.260
  • But I really believe
  • 00:06:33.260 --> 00:06:34.180
  • that probably
  • 00:06:34.180 --> 00:06:36.060
  • the greatest skill in business,
  • 00:06:36.060 --> 00:06:38.230
  • the greatest skill in marriage,
  • 00:06:38.230 --> 00:06:40.060
  • the greatest skill in ministry,
  • 00:06:40.060 --> 00:06:41.290
  • is conflict resolution.
  • 00:06:41.290 --> 00:06:43.140
  • You're always gonna have
  • 00:06:43.140 --> 00:06:44.130
  • conflicts.
  • 00:06:44.130 --> 00:06:45.040
  • So if you went, you know,
  • 00:06:45.040 --> 00:06:47.130
  • you tried to, you know,
  • 00:06:47.130 --> 00:06:48.280
  • say the right thing and it
  • 00:06:48.280 --> 00:06:49.250
  • didn't work, well, opportunity.
  • 00:06:49.250 --> 00:06:51.280
  • And conflict resolution
  • 00:06:51.280 --> 00:06:53.180
  • actually is one of the greatest
  • 00:06:53.180 --> 00:06:55.060
  • relationship builders.
  • 00:06:55.060 --> 00:06:57.030
  • People don't recognize that.
  • 00:06:57.030 --> 00:06:58.060
  • They think, "If everything
  • 00:06:58.060 --> 00:06:59.000
  • just stays nice and comfortable
  • 00:06:59.000 --> 00:07:00.220
  • all the time, we never have
  • 00:07:00.220 --> 00:07:02.060
  • any problems,
  • 00:07:02.060 --> 00:07:03.070
  • then our relationship's
  • 00:07:03.070 --> 00:07:04.060
  • really gonna grow."
  • 00:07:04.060 --> 00:07:05.090
  • It's not goin' anywhere.
  • 00:07:05.090 --> 00:07:06.130
  • - Helen: No.
  • 00:07:06.130 --> 00:07:07.020
  • Because, as a matter of fact,
  • 00:07:07.020 --> 00:07:08.120
  • there would be a lot of things
  • 00:07:08.120 --> 00:07:09.130
  • that John and I disagree on
  • 00:07:09.130 --> 00:07:10.150
  • currently.
  • 00:07:10.150 --> 00:07:11.180
  • But there's respect.
  • 00:07:11.180 --> 00:07:12.230
  • There's love.
  • 00:07:12.230 --> 00:07:13.190
  • There's honor--
  • 00:07:13.190 --> 00:07:14.270
  • - John: Like, c'mon, what don't
  • 00:07:14.270 --> 00:07:16.180
  • you disagree on?
  • 00:07:16.180 --> 00:07:18.050
  • - Helen: What I disagree on?
  • 00:07:18.050 --> 00:07:18.250
  • - John: Yeah.
  • 00:07:18.250 --> 00:07:19.100
  • - Helen: Oh, we
  • 00:07:19.100 --> 00:07:19.290
  • just don't even wanna go there.
  • 00:07:19.290 --> 00:07:21.130
  • - Niyah: Go there.
  • 00:07:21.130 --> 00:07:22.150
  • - Helen: Yeah, we do
  • 00:07:22.150 --> 00:07:23.020
  • life--we're on the same team,
  • 00:07:23.020 --> 00:07:25.020
  • but how we come and we do life
  • 00:07:25.020 --> 00:07:27.040
  • is very, very differently.
  • 00:07:27.040 --> 00:07:28.190
  • So how you drive, or how--
  • 00:07:28.190 --> 00:07:31.010
  • - Niyah: Yes, that's huge.
  • 00:07:31.010 --> 00:07:32.030
  • - John: For all the guys
  • 00:07:32.030 --> 00:07:33.170
  • watching, okay, you
  • 00:07:33.170 --> 00:07:36.110
  • have to drive with thinking,
  • 00:07:36.110 --> 00:07:38.000
  • "Efficiency.
  • 00:07:38.000 --> 00:07:39.060
  • How do you get the most people
  • 00:07:39.060 --> 00:07:40.280
  • through this intersection safely
  • 00:07:40.280 --> 00:07:43.210
  • at the same time?"
  • 00:07:43.210 --> 00:07:44.240
  • - Helen: Yeah, but I
  • 00:07:44.240 --> 00:07:45.140
  • shouldn't always feel like I'm
  • 00:07:45.140 --> 00:07:46.160
  • going to be killed every time
  • 00:07:46.160 --> 00:07:48.000
  • we go through an intersection.
  • 00:07:48.000 --> 00:07:48.180
  • - Niyah:
  • 00:07:48.180 --> 00:07:49.020
  • A "Fast and the Furious" episode
  • 00:07:49.020 --> 00:07:50.060
  • or something.
  • 00:07:50.060 --> 00:07:51.080
  • - Helen: But all of that to say
  • 00:07:51.080 --> 00:07:53.020
  • we have differences.
  • 00:07:53.020 --> 00:07:54.150
  • And I think when we are working
  • 00:07:54.150 --> 00:07:56.200
  • on relationship,
  • 00:07:56.200 --> 00:07:57.100
  • it's honoring our differences.
  • 00:07:57.100 --> 00:07:59.030
  • Because we're not ever
  • 00:07:59.030 --> 00:07:59.270
  • gonna all think the same way.
  • 00:07:59.270 --> 00:08:01.210
  • But where there's mutual respect
  • 00:08:01.210 --> 00:08:03.170
  • then we can move forward.
  • 00:08:03.170 --> 00:08:05.170
  • And I always say the best way
  • 00:08:05.170 --> 00:08:06.270
  • to be heard,
  • 00:08:06.270 --> 00:08:08.070
  • and that would be true
  • 00:08:08.070 --> 00:08:09.050
  • for this beautiful young woman
  • 00:08:09.050 --> 00:08:10.050
  • asking, is the best way
  • 00:08:10.050 --> 00:08:11.250
  • to be heard is to listen,
  • 00:08:11.250 --> 00:08:13.030
  • to pay attention.
  • 00:08:13.030 --> 00:08:14.160
  • How does her employer
  • 00:08:14.160 --> 00:08:16.140
  • like to be talked to
  • 00:08:16.140 --> 00:08:17.290
  • or want to be addressed?
  • 00:08:17.290 --> 00:08:19.130
  • And when we pay attention,
  • 00:08:19.130 --> 00:08:20.290
  • we get clues and cues.
  • 00:08:20.290 --> 00:08:23.100
  • And when we pay attention,
  • 00:08:23.100 --> 00:08:25.100
  • we're doing our best to try
  • 00:08:25.100 --> 00:08:26.140
  • to come to a place
  • 00:08:26.140 --> 00:08:27.160
  • where we're building,
  • 00:08:27.160 --> 00:08:29.050
  • not tearing down.
  • 00:08:29.050 --> 00:08:29.200
  • - Niyah: Well, now,
  • 00:08:29.200 --> 00:08:30.050
  • this sounds, it sounds good.
  • 00:08:30.050 --> 00:08:31.160
  • I'm lovin' this now.
  • 00:08:31.160 --> 00:08:32.260
  • Especially in regards
  • 00:08:32.260 --> 00:08:34.110
  • to the workplace.
  • 00:08:34.110 --> 00:08:35.060
  • But what about it's at home,
  • 00:08:35.060 --> 00:08:36.250
  • you know, with your partner,
  • 00:08:36.250 --> 00:08:38.060
  • with your spouse?
  • 00:08:38.060 --> 00:08:39.150
  • And now you're
  • 00:08:39.150 --> 00:08:40.120
  • kinda like, you know,
  • 00:08:40.120 --> 00:08:41.190
  • you have that attitude,
  • 00:08:41.190 --> 00:08:42.170
  • "I am always right.
  • 00:08:42.170 --> 00:08:43.260
  • You need to hear me."
  • 00:08:43.260 --> 00:08:45.120
  • So it's, "Agreeing to disagree
  • 00:08:45.120 --> 00:08:47.120
  • is not an option right now."
  • 00:08:47.120 --> 00:08:48.120
  • - Helen: No, it's
  • 00:08:48.120 --> 00:08:48.270
  • the boxing-ring scenario,
  • 00:08:48.270 --> 00:08:50.170
  • isn't it?
  • 00:08:50.170 --> 00:08:51.100
  • - John: Yeah, really, I think
  • 00:08:51.100 --> 00:08:52.050
  • this is such a great key
  • 00:08:52.050 --> 00:08:53.120
  • to understand how do you
  • 00:08:53.120 --> 00:08:56.110
  • work together with those issues
  • 00:08:56.110 --> 00:08:58.000
  • in your life?
  • 00:08:58.000 --> 00:08:58.270
  • And, you know, often
  • 00:08:58.270 --> 00:09:00.160
  • people think it's like you're
  • 00:09:00.160 --> 00:09:02.020
  • in a boxing ring and your spouse
  • 00:09:02.020 --> 00:09:05.000
  • is on that corner.
  • 00:09:05.000 --> 00:09:05.280
  • You're in this corner.
  • 00:09:05.280 --> 00:09:06.200
  • The bell rings, and you come out
  • 00:09:06.200 --> 00:09:07.170
  • sluggin'.
  • 00:09:07.170 --> 00:09:08.100
  • And no one ever wins,
  • 00:09:08.100 --> 00:09:11.020
  • in every situation,
  • 00:09:11.020 --> 00:09:12.200
  • every situation.
  • 00:09:12.200 --> 00:09:13.260
  • I mean, when I go to answer
  • 00:09:13.260 --> 00:09:15.110
  • difficult questions
  • 00:09:15.110 --> 00:09:16.190
  • and difficult places,
  • 00:09:16.190 --> 00:09:18.080
  • this is what I'm thinking.
  • 00:09:18.080 --> 00:09:19.270
  • "I'm gonna walk around
  • 00:09:19.270 --> 00:09:20.270
  • that ring, and I'm gonna put
  • 00:09:20.270 --> 00:09:22.050
  • my arm around you.
  • 00:09:22.050 --> 00:09:23.170
  • And we are gonna, together,
  • 00:09:23.170 --> 00:09:25.060
  • address what the issue is.
  • 00:09:25.060 --> 00:09:26.230
  • And we're gonna put two brains
  • 00:09:26.230 --> 00:09:28.270
  • together to figure out,
  • 00:09:28.270 --> 00:09:29.290
  • how do we fix this thing?"
  • 00:09:29.290 --> 00:09:31.170
  • And I think that's a key
  • 00:09:31.170 --> 00:09:33.230
  • to what we disagree on.
  • 00:09:33.230 --> 00:09:35.120
  • - Helen: We've decided
  • 00:09:35.120 --> 00:09:36.190
  • that other person
  • 00:09:36.190 --> 00:09:37.080
  • isn't our enemy.
  • 00:09:37.080 --> 00:09:38.270
  • They aren't our enemy,
  • 00:09:38.270 --> 00:09:39.250
  • whether it's our boss,
  • 00:09:39.250 --> 00:09:40.290
  • our spouse, our child,
  • 00:09:40.290 --> 00:09:42.140
  • whoever it is we
  • 00:09:42.140 --> 00:09:43.100
  • can't seem to find
  • 00:09:43.100 --> 00:09:44.110
  • a resolution with.
  • 00:09:44.110 --> 00:09:45.090
  • We're actually on the same team.
  • 00:09:45.090 --> 00:09:47.040
  • But it's, again, realizing there
  • 00:09:47.040 --> 00:09:49.230
  • is a challenge.
  • 00:09:49.230 --> 00:09:50.210
  • Life is full of challenges.
  • 00:09:50.210 --> 00:09:52.000
  • And we've gotta get great
  • 00:09:52.000 --> 00:09:53.110
  • at coming together.
  • 00:09:53.110 --> 00:09:55.110
  • I think that so often,
  • 00:09:55.110 --> 00:09:56.100
  • when people think,
  • 00:09:56.100 --> 00:09:57.030
  • "I have to be right,
  • 00:09:57.030 --> 00:09:58.180
  • so that means you
  • 00:09:58.180 --> 00:09:59.080
  • have to be wrong," that is
  • 00:09:59.080 --> 00:10:00.120
  • the absolute wrong foot to--
  • 00:10:00.120 --> 00:10:01.210
  • - Niyah: What about when you
  • 00:10:01.210 --> 00:10:02.090
  • know you're right, though?
  • 00:10:02.090 --> 00:10:03.060
  • Because, you know, quite often,
  • 00:10:03.060 --> 00:10:04.160
  • we'll say, ladies, we're right
  • 00:10:04.160 --> 00:10:06.100
  • a lot of the times.
  • 00:10:06.100 --> 00:10:07.150
  • And, you know, what if you know
  • 00:10:07.150 --> 00:10:09.190
  • you're right?
  • 00:10:09.190 --> 00:10:10.220
  • - John: Okay, what if you know
  • 00:10:10.220 --> 00:10:11.290
  • you're right, and you know
  • 00:10:11.290 --> 00:10:13.270
  • that if you bring it up,
  • 00:10:13.270 --> 00:10:15.040
  • you're gonna cause a, you know?
  • 00:10:15.040 --> 00:10:17.100
  • It's gonna be
  • 00:10:17.100 --> 00:10:17.280
  • a painful situation.
  • 00:10:17.280 --> 00:10:20.080
  • Is it worth it?
  • 00:10:20.080 --> 00:10:22.100
  • There's the big question,
  • 00:10:22.100 --> 00:10:23.230
  • you know?
  • 00:10:23.230 --> 00:10:24.110
  • Not everything that you know
  • 00:10:24.110 --> 00:10:26.160
  • and you know is right is worth
  • 00:10:26.160 --> 00:10:27.260
  • even bringin' out.
  • 00:10:27.260 --> 00:10:29.060
  • So many things, I think, when we
  • 00:10:29.060 --> 00:10:31.090
  • were first married, I would say
  • 00:10:31.090 --> 00:10:32.120
  • the biggest problems were
  • 00:10:32.120 --> 00:10:33.260
  • the little things that made
  • 00:10:33.260 --> 00:10:34.290
  • no difference at all.
  • 00:10:34.290 --> 00:10:36.290
  • You know, agree to disagree
  • 00:10:36.290 --> 00:10:39.140
  • because right now,
  • 00:10:39.140 --> 00:10:40.240
  • let's just leave that alone.
  • 00:10:40.240 --> 00:10:41.270
  • It's not worth dealing with.
  • 00:10:41.270 --> 00:10:43.180
  • - Helen: And I actually think,
  • 00:10:43.180 --> 00:10:44.120
  • if you know and you feel
  • 00:10:44.120 --> 00:10:45.240
  • in your heart that you're right,
  • 00:10:45.240 --> 00:10:46.280
  • that's enough.
  • 00:10:46.280 --> 00:10:48.050
  • You don't have to prove
  • 00:10:48.050 --> 00:10:48.260
  • the point.
  • 00:10:48.260 --> 00:10:49.160
  • You have to be good
  • 00:10:49.160 --> 00:10:50.080
  • with where you are.
  • 00:10:50.080 --> 00:10:51.110
  • And I think if we come
  • 00:10:51.110 --> 00:10:53.060
  • to that place of,
  • 00:10:53.060 --> 00:10:54.000
  • "I have to win at all costs,"
  • 00:10:54.000 --> 00:10:55.260
  • well, you've already lost.
  • 00:10:55.260 --> 00:10:57.190
  • That's what I think.
  • 00:10:57.190 --> 00:10:58.240
  • - Niyah: I'm lovin'
  • 00:10:58.240 --> 00:10:59.110
  • this conversation, oh.
  • 00:10:59.110 --> 00:11:01.090
  • Well, after the break,
  • 00:11:01.090 --> 00:11:02.060
  • we'll enter into the world
  • 00:11:02.060 --> 00:11:03.090
  • of social media,
  • 00:11:03.090 --> 00:11:04.170
  • and discuss what's trending
  • 00:11:04.170 --> 00:11:05.170
  • - Niyah: Welcome back
  • 00:11:17.190 --> 00:11:18.040
  • to the show.
  • 00:11:18.040 --> 00:11:18.280
  • Now, this is
  • 00:11:18.280 --> 00:11:19.150
  • a very exciting segment,
  • 00:11:19.150 --> 00:11:20.150
  • because we can't deny the impact
  • 00:11:20.150 --> 00:11:22.000
  • of social media on our lives.
  • 00:11:22.000 --> 00:11:24.030
  • We're discussing trending topics
  • 00:11:24.030 --> 00:11:25.210
  • on sex, love, and relationships,
  • 00:11:25.210 --> 00:11:27.220
  • and you'll be surprised
  • 00:11:27.220 --> 00:11:29.140
  • by what people say
  • 00:11:29.140 --> 00:11:30.180
  • and the questions they
  • 00:11:30.180 --> 00:11:31.170
  • put out there.
  • 00:11:31.170 --> 00:11:32.190
  • Now, I've had a sneak peek
  • 00:11:32.190 --> 00:11:34.000
  • already, and I must admit, this
  • 00:11:34.000 --> 00:11:35.190
  • is pretty funny, even funnier
  • 00:11:35.190 --> 00:11:37.170
  • than your dad jokes.
  • 00:11:37.170 --> 00:11:39.050
  • - Niyah: "An excellent wife,
  • 00:11:42.080 --> 00:11:43.080
  • who can find her?
  • 00:11:43.080 --> 00:11:44.230
  • She is far more precious
  • 00:11:44.230 --> 00:11:46.030
  • than jewels."
  • 00:11:46.030 --> 00:11:47.080
  • Then the dude sits down to watch
  • 00:11:47.080 --> 00:11:49.190
  • the news.
  • 00:11:49.190 --> 00:11:51.050
  • What's up with that?
  • 00:11:51.050 --> 00:11:52.010
  • - John: Does that sound
  • 00:11:52.010 --> 00:11:52.190
  • familiar at all, Helen?
  • 00:11:52.190 --> 00:11:53.100
  • - Helen: I was gonna say,
  • 00:11:53.100 --> 00:11:53.290
  • sounds like the early years
  • 00:11:53.290 --> 00:11:55.040
  • of our marriage.
  • 00:11:55.040 --> 00:11:56.290
  • - Niyah: She said,
  • 00:11:56.290 --> 00:11:57.140
  • "Early years."
  • 00:11:57.140 --> 00:11:58.170
  • - Helen: Yes, thankfully.
  • 00:11:58.170 --> 00:11:59.180
  • - John: Yeah, I'm glad things
  • 00:11:59.180 --> 00:12:00.180
  • have changed.
  • 00:12:00.180 --> 00:12:01.240
  • 'Cause back in those days,
  • 00:12:01.240 --> 00:12:02.280
  • you didn't call me, "Dude."
  • 00:12:02.280 --> 00:12:04.070
  • - Helen: No, that would be
  • 00:12:04.070 --> 00:12:05.090
  • true too.
  • 00:12:05.090 --> 00:12:06.120
  • - John: But, you know,
  • 00:12:06.120 --> 00:12:08.090
  • we get probably
  • 00:12:08.090 --> 00:12:09.080
  • the most common complaint
  • 00:12:09.080 --> 00:12:11.180
  • from wives is, "What happened
  • 00:12:11.230 --> 00:12:14.230
  • to my romantic man?
  • 00:12:14.230 --> 00:12:17.160
  • Before we were married,
  • 00:12:17.160 --> 00:12:18.180
  • he was so romantic."
  • 00:12:18.180 --> 00:12:19.110
  • - Niyah: All the flowers,
  • 00:12:19.110 --> 00:12:20.030
  • the romance, and then it just--
  • 00:12:20.030 --> 00:12:22.080
  • - John: And now, "Duh," he
  • 00:12:22.080 --> 00:12:23.000
  • just sits and watches
  • 00:12:23.000 --> 00:12:23.230
  • television.
  • 00:12:23.230 --> 00:12:24.290
  • And I think it's because guys
  • 00:12:24.290 --> 00:12:27.040
  • don't understand
  • 00:12:27.040 --> 00:12:28.060
  • what romance is.
  • 00:12:28.060 --> 00:12:29.080
  • And the key word up there is
  • 00:12:29.080 --> 00:12:31.190
  • the word "find."
  • 00:12:31.190 --> 00:12:32.280
  • He's got to find.
  • 00:12:32.280 --> 00:12:34.080
  • And "find" means
  • 00:12:34.080 --> 00:12:35.120
  • you're pursuing.
  • 00:12:35.120 --> 00:12:36.130
  • You're trying to discover that,
  • 00:12:36.130 --> 00:12:39.080
  • who that person really is.
  • 00:12:39.080 --> 00:12:40.220
  • And every woman wants to be
  • 00:12:40.220 --> 00:12:42.230
  • romanced for a lifetime.
  • 00:12:42.230 --> 00:12:44.030
  • - Niyah: That's the truth.
  • 00:12:44.030 --> 00:12:44.280
  • Say it again, please.
  • 00:12:44.280 --> 00:12:45.240
  • - John: Every woman wants
  • 00:12:45.240 --> 00:12:46.200
  • to be romanced for a lifetime.
  • 00:12:46.200 --> 00:12:48.180
  • - Niyah: Fellas, I hope
  • 00:12:48.180 --> 00:12:49.050
  • you took notes.
  • 00:12:49.050 --> 00:12:50.140
  • - John: And, you know,
  • 00:12:50.140 --> 00:12:51.110
  • I get to talk to men a lot.
  • 00:12:51.110 --> 00:12:52.170
  • And I'll tell 'em, it's,
  • 00:12:52.170 --> 00:12:54.050
  • understand that the pursuit
  • 00:12:54.050 --> 00:12:55.230
  • is not for the ring.
  • 00:12:55.230 --> 00:12:57.070
  • It doesn't end when you
  • 00:12:57.070 --> 00:12:58.130
  • get the ring on her finger
  • 00:12:58.130 --> 00:12:59.050
  • or you get in bed.
  • 00:12:59.050 --> 00:12:59.280
  • - Niyah: Well, why do they
  • 00:12:59.280 --> 00:13:00.170
  • think that?
  • 00:13:00.170 --> 00:13:01.050
  • Why do they think, "Okay, well,
  • 00:13:01.050 --> 00:13:02.090
  • once I got it, then I'm done.
  • 00:13:02.090 --> 00:13:04.260
  • I've accomplished everything."
  • 00:13:04.260 --> 00:13:05.290
  • - John: I think guys are very,
  • 00:13:05.290 --> 00:13:07.010
  • very--
  • 00:13:07.010 --> 00:13:08.170
  • - Helen: Compartmentalized?
  • 00:13:08.170 --> 00:13:09.130
  • - John: Compartmentalized,
  • 00:13:09.130 --> 00:13:10.250
  • yeah.
  • 00:13:10.250 --> 00:13:11.180
  • And, you know, to us,
  • 00:13:11.180 --> 00:13:13.180
  • there's a goal.
  • 00:13:13.180 --> 00:13:14.290
  • And the goal is the ring.
  • 00:13:14.290 --> 00:13:17.200
  • - Niyah: The goal should be
  • 00:13:17.200 --> 00:13:18.080
  • all the way until, like, 109,
  • 00:13:18.080 --> 00:13:20.080
  • you know, 100 years old.
  • 00:13:20.080 --> 00:13:22.020
  • - John: We're clueless when it
  • 00:13:22.020 --> 00:13:23.060
  • comes to that.
  • 00:13:23.060 --> 00:13:23.240
  • We really are.
  • 00:13:23.240 --> 00:13:24.090
  • - Helen: Well, you've moved on
  • 00:13:24.090 --> 00:13:24.280
  • to the next goal.
  • 00:13:24.280 --> 00:13:25.140
  • You're now building the house,
  • 00:13:25.140 --> 00:13:26.290
  • building the, you know,
  • 00:13:26.290 --> 00:13:28.100
  • the business.
  • 00:13:28.100 --> 00:13:29.200
  • And it's all noble.
  • 00:13:29.200 --> 00:13:31.120
  • But for a woman, she wants
  • 00:13:31.120 --> 00:13:33.260
  • to have that romance.
  • 00:13:33.260 --> 00:13:34.240
  • - John: Right, she doesn't care
  • 00:13:34.240 --> 00:13:35.180
  • so much about you're building
  • 00:13:35.180 --> 00:13:36.260
  • your home, your security,
  • 00:13:36.260 --> 00:13:38.030
  • all the rest of it.
  • 00:13:38.030 --> 00:13:38.280
  • She wants the intimacy,
  • 00:13:38.280 --> 00:13:40.170
  • which means she wants
  • 00:13:40.170 --> 00:13:41.230
  • to be pursued.
  • 00:13:41.230 --> 00:13:42.270
  • And I like to tell guys,
  • 00:13:42.270 --> 00:13:45.020
  • "Just understand this,
  • 00:13:45.020 --> 00:13:46.180
  • that you're on a treasure hunt.
  • 00:13:46.180 --> 00:13:48.160
  • And the treasure hunt
  • 00:13:48.160 --> 00:13:49.060
  • doesn't end when the ring hits
  • 00:13:49.060 --> 00:13:50.090
  • her finger."
  • 00:13:50.090 --> 00:13:51.140
  • - Niyah: I think you are right
  • 00:13:51.140 --> 00:13:52.040
  • there, John.
  • 00:13:52.040 --> 00:13:52.190
  • I do have to agree with you.
  • 00:13:52.190 --> 00:13:54.020
  • Our next question, it says:
  • 00:13:54.020 --> 00:13:55.200
  • "Being quiet doesn't mean I
  • 00:13:55.200 --> 00:13:56.230
  • have nothing to say.
  • 00:13:56.230 --> 00:13:58.070
  • It just means I don't think
  • 00:13:58.070 --> 00:13:59.080
  • you're ready to hear
  • 00:13:59.080 --> 00:14:00.220
  • my thoughts."
  • 00:14:00.220 --> 00:14:01.190
  • Now, okay,
  • 00:14:01.190 --> 00:14:02.100
  • one of the biggest pieces
  • 00:14:02.100 --> 00:14:03.140
  • of advice I hear
  • 00:14:03.140 --> 00:14:04.090
  • from married couples is this:
  • 00:14:04.090 --> 00:14:05.160
  • communicate, communicate,
  • 00:14:05.160 --> 00:14:06.280
  • communication is key.
  • 00:14:06.280 --> 00:14:08.030
  • Now, what's up with that?
  • 00:14:08.030 --> 00:14:09.030
  • Because she's saying,
  • 00:14:09.030 --> 00:14:10.020
  • "I'm not ready to talk yet."
  • 00:14:10.020 --> 00:14:11.270
  • Well, maybe he's saying.
  • 00:14:11.270 --> 00:14:13.250
  • - Helen: But I would agree.
  • 00:14:13.250 --> 00:14:15.000
  • I would fully agree
  • 00:14:15.000 --> 00:14:16.100
  • that the most important key
  • 00:14:16.100 --> 00:14:17.250
  • in every relationship, married,
  • 00:14:17.250 --> 00:14:19.180
  • friendship, whatever, is having
  • 00:14:19.180 --> 00:14:21.070
  • healthy communication.
  • 00:14:21.070 --> 00:14:22.170
  • But the bottom line is
  • 00:14:22.170 --> 00:14:23.210
  • there's not a formula that works
  • 00:14:23.210 --> 00:14:25.090
  • in every single relationship,
  • 00:14:25.090 --> 00:14:27.090
  • in the sense of, "All men
  • 00:14:27.090 --> 00:14:30.000
  • are like this and all women
  • 00:14:30.000 --> 00:14:30.260
  • are like that."
  • 00:14:30.260 --> 00:14:31.150
  • You have to figure out who you
  • 00:14:31.150 --> 00:14:32.130
  • are and learn how to do it.
  • 00:14:32.130 --> 00:14:34.020
  • If I go quiet, that might mean
  • 00:14:34.020 --> 00:14:35.270
  • I'm mad.
  • 00:14:35.270 --> 00:14:36.260
  • It might mean I'm not talking
  • 00:14:36.260 --> 00:14:38.280
  • to you, or it might mean
  • 00:14:38.280 --> 00:14:40.150
  • I really don't know how to say
  • 00:14:40.150 --> 00:14:41.130
  • what's on my heart.
  • 00:14:41.130 --> 00:14:42.180
  • So we've had to learn--
  • 00:14:42.180 --> 00:14:43.030
  • - Niyah: But if a female goes
  • 00:14:43.030 --> 00:14:44.000
  • mad, right, and we go quiet,
  • 00:14:44.000 --> 00:14:45.200
  • doesn't that mean we just want
  • 00:14:45.200 --> 00:14:46.290
  • them to push a little bit more?
  • 00:14:46.290 --> 00:14:48.140
  • Like, ask some more questions,
  • 00:14:48.140 --> 00:14:49.200
  • right, pull it out?
  • 00:14:49.200 --> 00:14:50.230
  • - Helen: Nailed it.
  • 00:14:50.230 --> 00:14:52.050
  • Yeah, nailed it.
  • 00:14:52.050 --> 00:14:53.040
  • - Niyah: So, John, talk to us.
  • 00:14:53.040 --> 00:14:53.280
  • Why don't you push?
  • 00:14:53.280 --> 00:14:55.100
  • Push, John.
  • 00:14:55.100 --> 00:14:56.230
  • - John: Well, I, you know,
  • 00:14:56.230 --> 00:14:57.260
  • I go back to our early days.
  • 00:14:57.260 --> 00:15:00.280
  • And, you know, as soon as you
  • 00:15:00.280 --> 00:15:02.200
  • start getting in there,
  • 00:15:02.200 --> 00:15:03.240
  • really, really, you know,
  • 00:15:03.240 --> 00:15:05.020
  • into the heart,
  • 00:15:05.020 --> 00:15:05.240
  • tears start flowing.
  • 00:15:05.240 --> 00:15:07.260
  • - Helen: Which messed with you.
  • 00:15:07.260 --> 00:15:08.280
  • - John: She's crying.
  • 00:15:08.280 --> 00:15:09.180
  • "And listen, when you
  • 00:15:09.180 --> 00:15:10.250
  • stop crying, I'll come back
  • 00:15:10.250 --> 00:15:12.160
  • and we'll talk."
  • 00:15:12.160 --> 00:15:13.090
  • It's like--
  • 00:15:13.090 --> 00:15:14.070
  • - Niyah: Never, John, never.
  • 00:15:14.070 --> 00:15:15.230
  • - Helen: It's 'cause you were
  • 00:15:15.230 --> 00:15:16.110
  • mean a little bit.
  • 00:15:16.110 --> 00:15:18.210
  • - John: Wait, what?
  • 00:15:18.210 --> 00:15:19.170
  • - Helen: Well, 100 years ago
  • 00:15:19.170 --> 00:15:20.170
  • you were.
  • 00:15:20.170 --> 00:15:21.100
  • But I felt like it was mean.
  • 00:15:21.100 --> 00:15:22.280
  • You weren't actually mean.
  • 00:15:22.280 --> 00:15:24.000
  • But I felt, "If you're
  • 00:15:24.000 --> 00:15:24.220
  • not listening to my tears,
  • 00:15:24.220 --> 00:15:25.270
  • you're not listening to me."
  • 00:15:25.270 --> 00:15:26.290
  • So we've learnt
  • 00:15:26.290 --> 00:15:27.280
  • how to invite one another
  • 00:15:28.100 --> 00:15:31.100
  • into the conversation,
  • 00:15:31.100 --> 00:15:32.100
  • to make it easy to have
  • 00:15:32.100 --> 00:15:34.010
  • a conversation where--
  • 00:15:34.010 --> 00:15:35.130
  • - Niyah: How do you do
  • 00:15:35.130 --> 00:15:35.280
  • that, though?
  • 00:15:35.280 --> 00:15:36.160
  • How do you?
  • 00:15:36.160 --> 00:15:37.100
  • - John: Well, I think what
  • 00:15:37.100 --> 00:15:38.160
  • you're--when you're listening
  • 00:15:38.160 --> 00:15:39.220
  • to this, whether it's guy
  • 00:15:39.220 --> 00:15:40.170
  • or a girl, what they're talking
  • 00:15:40.170 --> 00:15:42.020
  • about is those heated moments,
  • 00:15:42.020 --> 00:15:44.100
  • those times when there's a crash
  • 00:15:44.100 --> 00:15:46.190
  • and we don't do good.
  • 00:15:46.190 --> 00:15:49.130
  • And so what you need to do is
  • 00:15:49.130 --> 00:15:51.030
  • when there's no heated moment,
  • 00:15:51.030 --> 00:15:53.030
  • when you're doing good,
  • 00:15:53.030 --> 00:15:54.100
  • you're comfortable, you need
  • 00:15:54.100 --> 00:15:55.180
  • to have a conversation
  • 00:15:55.180 --> 00:15:57.000
  • and go back to, "Remember
  • 00:15:57.000 --> 00:15:58.050
  • when we were feelin' like this?
  • 00:15:58.050 --> 00:15:59.220
  • And you and this and this?
  • 00:15:59.220 --> 00:16:01.040
  • Let's talk about this.
  • 00:16:01.040 --> 00:16:02.080
  • How can we
  • 00:16:02.080 --> 00:16:02.290
  • actually get past that?"
  • 00:16:02.290 --> 00:16:04.260
  • And that's what we've done.
  • 00:16:04.260 --> 00:16:06.100
  • You know, we just really learnt
  • 00:16:06.100 --> 00:16:07.240
  • to, you know, you learnt
  • 00:16:07.240 --> 00:16:10.120
  • not to cry all the time.
  • 00:16:10.120 --> 00:16:12.240
  • I learnt when you're crying,
  • 00:16:12.240 --> 00:16:14.060
  • not to, you know, walk away.
  • 00:16:14.060 --> 00:16:16.260
  • There was just things we have
  • 00:16:16.260 --> 00:16:18.260
  • to learn how to get past that.
  • 00:16:18.260 --> 00:16:20.190
  • - Niyah: Man, I love that.
  • 00:16:20.190 --> 00:16:21.250
  • Let's keep going.
  • 00:16:21.250 --> 00:16:23.050
  • The next question says:
  • 00:16:23.050 --> 00:16:25.070
  • "The best lesson
  • 00:16:25.070 --> 00:16:25.260
  • I've learnt in life is
  • 00:16:25.260 --> 00:16:27.190
  • from the worst feeling I had
  • 00:16:27.190 --> 00:16:29.170
  • in life."
  • 00:16:29.170 --> 00:16:30.120
  • Wow.
  • 00:16:30.120 --> 00:16:31.030
  • - John: I have no idea.
  • 00:16:31.030 --> 00:16:32.050
  • - Niyah: I don't either,
  • 00:16:32.050 --> 00:16:32.210
  • but that sounds deep, John.
  • 00:16:32.210 --> 00:16:33.260
  • It sounds deep.
  • 00:16:33.260 --> 00:16:34.240
  • - Helen: I so get this.
  • 00:16:34.240 --> 00:16:36.010
  • From my perspective,
  • 00:16:36.010 --> 00:16:37.160
  • the best lesson
  • 00:16:37.160 --> 00:16:38.200
  • I've learnt in life is
  • 00:16:38.200 --> 00:16:39.170
  • from the hardest places
  • 00:16:39.170 --> 00:16:40.190
  • in my life.
  • 00:16:40.190 --> 00:16:41.110
  • And I've learnt that by learning
  • 00:16:41.110 --> 00:16:42.130
  • how to pay attention
  • 00:16:42.130 --> 00:16:43.110
  • to my heart.
  • 00:16:43.110 --> 00:16:44.130
  • Proverbs chapter 4, verse 23,
  • 00:16:44.130 --> 00:16:46.160
  • my life Scripture, says that:
  • 00:16:46.160 --> 00:16:48.200
  • "Pay attention to your heart
  • 00:16:48.200 --> 00:16:50.000
  • because it affects
  • 00:16:50.000 --> 00:16:50.240
  • everything you do."
  • 00:16:50.240 --> 00:16:52.110
  • And so, in those hard places
  • 00:16:52.110 --> 00:16:54.080
  • where my heart feels shattered
  • 00:16:54.080 --> 00:16:55.250
  • or it's angry or it's bitter
  • 00:16:55.250 --> 00:16:58.160
  • or it's unforgiving,
  • 00:16:58.160 --> 00:17:00.060
  • I can't just look
  • 00:17:00.060 --> 00:17:01.030
  • at all the extenuating
  • 00:17:01.030 --> 00:17:02.010
  • circumstances.
  • 00:17:02.010 --> 00:17:02.280
  • I have to look at my own heart.
  • 00:17:02.280 --> 00:17:04.060
  • Why?
  • 00:17:04.060 --> 00:17:05.050
  • I remember a time we were having
  • 00:17:05.050 --> 00:17:06.090
  • one of our most difficult
  • 00:17:06.090 --> 00:17:08.010
  • conflicts years ago.
  • 00:17:08.010 --> 00:17:10.090
  • And I reacted
  • 00:17:10.090 --> 00:17:11.030
  • really, really poorly to it.
  • 00:17:11.030 --> 00:17:12.240
  • And I still remember getting
  • 00:17:12.240 --> 00:17:14.120
  • on my face and saying,
  • 00:17:14.120 --> 00:17:15.150
  • "God, what was that?
  • 00:17:15.150 --> 00:17:16.160
  • What was that?"
  • 00:17:16.160 --> 00:17:17.260
  • And he--
  • 00:17:17.260 --> 00:17:18.160
  • - John: That was
  • 00:17:18.160 --> 00:17:19.010
  • a great moment, by the way.
  • 00:17:19.010 --> 00:17:19.190
  • - Helen: No, don't tell
  • 00:17:19.190 --> 00:17:20.040
  • the details.
  • 00:17:20.040 --> 00:17:20.220
  • That was an embarrassing moment.
  • 00:17:20.220 --> 00:17:22.000
  • But bottom line--
  • 00:17:22.000 --> 00:17:23.070
  • - John: You should tell
  • 00:17:23.070 --> 00:17:23.260
  • the details.
  • 00:17:23.260 --> 00:17:24.150
  • It was a very funny moment.
  • 00:17:24.150 --> 00:17:26.030
  • - Niyah: Ooh, I wanna hear
  • 00:17:26.030 --> 00:17:27.280
  • all the details.
  • 00:17:27.280 --> 00:17:29.110
  • - John: Go ahead, tell
  • 00:17:29.110 --> 00:17:29.260
  • a little bit of the details.
  • 00:17:29.260 --> 00:17:31.050
  • It's just too good not to.
  • 00:17:31.050 --> 00:17:32.270
  • - Helen: Like the time you were
  • 00:17:32.270 --> 00:17:34.030
  • going to Costco with me and we
  • 00:17:34.030 --> 00:17:35.160
  • were, it was a long time ago,
  • 00:17:35.160 --> 00:17:37.090
  • okay, a long time ago.
  • 00:17:37.090 --> 00:17:38.160
  • But I did.
  • 00:17:38.160 --> 00:17:39.010
  • I got out of the car and I
  • 00:17:39.010 --> 00:17:40.140
  • just slammed the door.
  • 00:17:40.140 --> 00:17:40.290
  • - John: She said, "Pull over."
  • 00:17:40.290 --> 00:17:42.080
  • She got out of the car,
  • 00:17:42.080 --> 00:17:43.040
  • slammed the door and--
  • 00:17:43.040 --> 00:17:45.150
  • - Helen: And you drove away.
  • 00:17:45.150 --> 00:17:47.020
  • And--
  • 00:17:47.020 --> 00:17:47.240
  • - John: I drove home.
  • 00:17:47.240 --> 00:17:48.240
  • I was on my way home so I
  • 00:17:48.240 --> 00:17:49.220
  • went home.
  • 00:17:49.220 --> 00:17:50.250
  • - Helen: Anyhow, it--
  • 00:17:50.250 --> 00:17:51.110
  • - Niyah: You left her there?
  • 00:17:51.110 --> 00:17:52.200
  • - Helen: Yeah, he did.
  • 00:17:52.200 --> 00:17:53.140
  • But I didn't wanna be rescued
  • 00:17:53.140 --> 00:17:55.230
  • at that moment.
  • 00:17:55.230 --> 00:17:56.230
  • But this is the deal.
  • 00:17:56.230 --> 00:17:58.080
  • I didn't actually think
  • 00:17:58.080 --> 00:17:59.000
  • I was capable of being
  • 00:17:59.000 --> 00:18:00.230
  • that person anymore.
  • 00:18:00.230 --> 00:18:02.030
  • I had done that
  • 00:18:02.030 --> 00:18:02.180
  • early in our marriage,
  • 00:18:02.180 --> 00:18:03.150
  • but I'd come a long way.
  • 00:18:03.150 --> 00:18:05.030
  • But it was in that place that I
  • 00:18:05.030 --> 00:18:06.150
  • thought, "First of all, oh no,
  • 00:18:06.150 --> 00:18:07.250
  • I have to still face John.
  • 00:18:07.250 --> 00:18:09.100
  • And oh no, I'm 8 miles
  • 00:18:09.100 --> 00:18:10.080
  • from my house."
  • 00:18:10.080 --> 00:18:11.200
  • - Niyah: Did you walk home?
  • 00:18:11.200 --> 00:18:12.210
  • - Helen: No, I called a cab.
  • 00:18:12.210 --> 00:18:13.150
  • No, he didn't.
  • 00:18:13.150 --> 00:18:14.090
  • I called a cab.
  • 00:18:14.090 --> 00:18:14.280
  • - John: She took a cab.
  • 00:18:14.280 --> 00:18:16.190
  • - Helen: But all of that to say
  • 00:18:16.190 --> 00:18:18.020
  • that that day I learnt
  • 00:18:18.020 --> 00:18:19.100
  • one of the most valuable
  • 00:18:19.100 --> 00:18:20.060
  • lessons, that I listen
  • 00:18:20.060 --> 00:18:22.060
  • to my heart what--and God
  • 00:18:22.060 --> 00:18:23.170
  • showed me, "You have a root
  • 00:18:23.170 --> 00:18:24.110
  • of unforgiveness," got it out.
  • 00:18:24.110 --> 00:18:26.170
  • It really did help me become
  • 00:18:26.170 --> 00:18:27.260
  • a new person on the other side
  • 00:18:27.260 --> 00:18:29.060
  • of that embarrassing moment.
  • 00:18:29.060 --> 00:18:30.120
  • - John: Thank you, Jesus.
  • 00:18:30.120 --> 00:18:32.130
  • - Niyah: I love this.
  • 00:18:32.130 --> 00:18:34.060
  • This is so much fun.
  • 00:18:34.060 --> 00:18:35.250
  • And don't go away,
  • 00:18:35.250 --> 00:18:36.220
  • because we'll see you
  • 00:18:36.220 --> 00:18:37.250
  • - Niyah: Now, earlier
  • 00:18:50.130 --> 00:18:50.280
  • this week, John spoke
  • 00:18:50.280 --> 00:18:52.000
  • with a man who battled
  • 00:18:52.000 --> 00:18:53.000
  • with addiction in his life
  • 00:18:53.000 --> 00:18:54.110
  • and now has
  • 00:18:54.110 --> 00:18:55.010
  • an amazing testimony.
  • 00:18:55.010 --> 00:18:56.170
  • - John: Aaron, thank you
  • 00:18:59.090 --> 00:19:00.090
  • for coming on the program.
  • 00:19:00.090 --> 00:19:01.180
  • - Aaron Jayne: John, it is
  • 00:19:01.180 --> 00:19:02.050
  • so good to see you again.
  • 00:19:02.050 --> 00:19:03.240
  • We go back a long ways.
  • 00:19:03.240 --> 00:19:05.090
  • - John: I know, and I can't
  • 00:19:05.090 --> 00:19:06.010
  • wait to tell the whole story.
  • 00:19:06.010 --> 00:19:07.210
  • We're gonna talk
  • 00:19:07.210 --> 00:19:08.060
  • about addiction,
  • 00:19:08.060 --> 00:19:09.110
  • and particularly
  • 00:19:09.110 --> 00:19:10.250
  • sexual addiction.
  • 00:19:10.250 --> 00:19:12.020
  • And there's so many people
  • 00:19:12.020 --> 00:19:13.290
  • that need some help
  • 00:19:13.290 --> 00:19:15.290
  • in this area.
  • 00:19:15.290 --> 00:19:16.250
  • And your story kind of lends
  • 00:19:16.250 --> 00:19:18.080
  • to that in a big way.
  • 00:19:18.080 --> 00:19:19.090
  • So can you kinda help
  • 00:19:19.090 --> 00:19:20.190
  • our audience get to know
  • 00:19:20.190 --> 00:19:21.160
  • who you are?
  • 00:19:21.160 --> 00:19:22.060
  • Your, where'd you grow up?
  • 00:19:22.060 --> 00:19:24.000
  • Your family, all that stuff.
  • 00:19:24.000 --> 00:19:25.110
  • - Aaron: You know, my dad was
  • 00:19:25.110 --> 00:19:26.170
  • in the Air Force growing up,
  • 00:19:26.170 --> 00:19:28.120
  • but he was also a minister
  • 00:19:28.120 --> 00:19:30.000
  • for the Southern Baptists.
  • 00:19:30.000 --> 00:19:31.060
  • And so we traveled around a lot.
  • 00:19:31.060 --> 00:19:32.200
  • Most of our life, we lived
  • 00:19:32.200 --> 00:19:33.200
  • in Texas growing up.
  • 00:19:33.200 --> 00:19:35.030
  • And when I was
  • 00:19:35.030 --> 00:19:35.230
  • about 12 years old,
  • 00:19:35.230 --> 00:19:36.270
  • we had found out my dad
  • 00:19:36.270 --> 00:19:38.250
  • had been having affairs
  • 00:19:38.250 --> 00:19:39.240
  • on my mom and left us.
  • 00:19:39.240 --> 00:19:41.210
  • And it was tough because he was
  • 00:19:41.210 --> 00:19:42.210
  • my hero.
  • 00:19:42.210 --> 00:19:43.190
  • I knew I wanted to be a preacher
  • 00:19:43.190 --> 00:19:44.260
  • when I was 6 years old,
  • 00:19:44.260 --> 00:19:46.110
  • and traveled with my dad
  • 00:19:46.110 --> 00:19:47.250
  • when he would go out
  • 00:19:47.250 --> 00:19:48.190
  • and preach at these churches.
  • 00:19:48.190 --> 00:19:50.040
  • And so, my whole world came
  • 00:19:50.040 --> 00:19:51.290
  • crashing down at that point,
  • 00:19:51.290 --> 00:19:54.270
  • just seeing what a sex addiction
  • 00:19:54.270 --> 00:19:57.190
  • did to my father and how it
  • 00:19:57.190 --> 00:19:58.290
  • kinda destroyed our family.
  • 00:19:58.290 --> 00:20:01.120
  • And it was my image of God.
  • 00:20:01.120 --> 00:20:02.250
  • It was my view of God.
  • 00:20:02.250 --> 00:20:04.080
  • And so at 12 years old I
  • 00:20:04.080 --> 00:20:05.150
  • remember just making a decision
  • 00:20:05.150 --> 00:20:07.050
  • that, "I don't want
  • 00:20:07.050 --> 00:20:08.020
  • anything to do with God.
  • 00:20:08.020 --> 00:20:09.090
  • I don't want anything to do
  • 00:20:09.090 --> 00:20:09.290
  • with Christians.
  • 00:20:09.290 --> 00:20:10.210
  • I don't want anything to do
  • 00:20:10.210 --> 00:20:11.160
  • with the church."
  • 00:20:11.160 --> 00:20:12.270
  • And Satan used that point
  • 00:20:12.270 --> 00:20:14.260
  • in my life
  • 00:20:14.260 --> 00:20:15.210
  • of just a lot of brokenness,
  • 00:20:15.210 --> 00:20:17.250
  • loneliness.
  • 00:20:17.250 --> 00:20:18.150
  • I'm 12 years old and I've got
  • 00:20:18.150 --> 00:20:20.090
  • a younger brother and sister
  • 00:20:20.090 --> 00:20:21.170
  • who are more emotional.
  • 00:20:21.170 --> 00:20:22.170
  • I kinda kept everything inside.
  • 00:20:22.170 --> 00:20:24.120
  • And so, at that time my mom put
  • 00:20:24.120 --> 00:20:26.070
  • a lot of energy
  • 00:20:26.070 --> 00:20:26.250
  • into my younger brother
  • 00:20:26.250 --> 00:20:27.230
  • and sister, but everybody
  • 00:20:27.230 --> 00:20:30.030
  • thought I was okay.
  • 00:20:30.030 --> 00:20:31.040
  • When really, I was the one
  • 00:20:31.040 --> 00:20:32.160
  • that took it the hardest.
  • 00:20:32.160 --> 00:20:34.130
  • - John: Wow.
  • 00:20:34.130 --> 00:20:35.060
  • That's such a good point because
  • 00:20:35.060 --> 00:20:36.190
  • often when people don't--
  • 00:20:36.190 --> 00:20:38.160
  • aren't verbal, and they're
  • 00:20:38.160 --> 00:20:40.030
  • silent, we think they're okay.
  • 00:20:40.030 --> 00:20:42.100
  • But actually, many times,
  • 00:20:42.100 --> 00:20:44.070
  • those are the ones that are
  • 00:20:44.070 --> 00:20:45.110
  • in the most trouble.
  • 00:20:45.110 --> 00:20:45.290
  • - Aaron: Yeah,
  • 00:20:45.290 --> 00:20:46.140
  • the expressive ones,
  • 00:20:46.140 --> 00:20:47.250
  • at least they're letting
  • 00:20:47.250 --> 00:20:48.170
  • the emotions out.
  • 00:20:48.170 --> 00:20:49.270
  • And they can process through
  • 00:20:49.270 --> 00:20:51.010
  • and heal.
  • 00:20:51.010 --> 00:20:52.000
  • People that bury it
  • 00:20:52.000 --> 00:20:52.290
  • deep down inside, it's
  • 00:20:52.290 --> 00:20:54.100
  • just a root that takes ahold
  • 00:20:54.100 --> 00:20:57.050
  • of your life.
  • 00:20:57.050 --> 00:20:58.050
  • It causes damage for years
  • 00:20:58.050 --> 00:20:59.140
  • to come.
  • 00:20:59.140 --> 00:21:00.180
  • And so I'm in a situation
  • 00:21:00.180 --> 00:21:01.120
  • where I'm broken, I'm hurt,
  • 00:21:01.120 --> 00:21:03.060
  • I'm abandoned.
  • 00:21:03.060 --> 00:21:04.080
  • And Satan just used that
  • 00:21:04.080 --> 00:21:06.010
  • as the perfect opportunity
  • 00:21:06.010 --> 00:21:07.270
  • to get me in bondage
  • 00:21:07.270 --> 00:21:08.280
  • of my own sexual addiction.
  • 00:21:08.280 --> 00:21:10.200
  • Which it began
  • 00:21:10.200 --> 00:21:11.290
  • with an older girl,
  • 00:21:11.290 --> 00:21:13.220
  • kind of, woman.
  • 00:21:13.220 --> 00:21:14.160
  • She was about college-age girl.
  • 00:21:14.160 --> 00:21:16.280
  • Abused me sexually when I was
  • 00:21:16.280 --> 00:21:18.160
  • about 12 years old, kinda opened
  • 00:21:18.160 --> 00:21:20.010
  • a door to things that I'd never
  • 00:21:20.010 --> 00:21:22.040
  • really thought of before
  • 00:21:22.040 --> 00:21:23.180
  • up until that point,
  • 00:21:23.180 --> 00:21:24.140
  • never really experienced
  • 00:21:24.140 --> 00:21:25.150
  • anything like that.
  • 00:21:25.150 --> 00:21:27.000
  • And then right after that,
  • 00:21:27.000 --> 00:21:28.110
  • my next-door neighbor introduced
  • 00:21:28.110 --> 00:21:29.190
  • me to pornography.
  • 00:21:29.190 --> 00:21:31.110
  • And I remember looking at,
  • 00:21:31.110 --> 00:21:33.040
  • it was magazines at the time.
  • 00:21:33.040 --> 00:21:34.190
  • It was before technology.
  • 00:21:34.190 --> 00:21:36.090
  • But looking at those pages
  • 00:21:36.090 --> 00:21:37.150
  • of the magazine,
  • 00:21:37.150 --> 00:21:39.110
  • I remember the feeling
  • 00:21:39.110 --> 00:21:40.250
  • for the very first time.
  • 00:21:40.250 --> 00:21:42.140
  • And it's a false reality.
  • 00:21:42.140 --> 00:21:44.010
  • Many people don't realize
  • 00:21:44.010 --> 00:21:44.230
  • this about pornography,
  • 00:21:44.230 --> 00:21:46.140
  • is it's not just about the sex.
  • 00:21:46.140 --> 00:21:49.110
  • It's also about the feeling
  • 00:21:49.110 --> 00:21:50.070
  • of you wanna be wanted.
  • 00:21:50.070 --> 00:21:52.170
  • And here's the thing.
  • 00:21:52.170 --> 00:21:53.070
  • You look at the pages
  • 00:21:53.070 --> 00:21:53.280
  • of these magazines,
  • 00:21:53.280 --> 00:21:54.290
  • the way they're shot,
  • 00:21:54.290 --> 00:21:55.280
  • the way the videos are filmed
  • 00:21:55.280 --> 00:21:57.130
  • today, that the girl part
  • 00:21:57.130 --> 00:21:59.240
  • in the story and in a scene,
  • 00:21:59.260 --> 00:22:02.280
  • she always is looking longingly.
  • 00:22:02.280 --> 00:22:05.180
  • And as a kid that was abandoned,
  • 00:22:05.180 --> 00:22:07.020
  • as a kid hat was, you know,
  • 00:22:07.020 --> 00:22:08.210
  • looking for anybody to love me,
  • 00:22:08.210 --> 00:22:10.240
  • it was a false reality.
  • 00:22:10.240 --> 00:22:12.270
  • But it made me feel alive
  • 00:22:12.270 --> 00:22:14.070
  • for the first time.
  • 00:22:14.070 --> 00:22:15.040
  • It made me feel wanted.
  • 00:22:15.040 --> 00:22:16.170
  • It made me feel like,
  • 00:22:16.170 --> 00:22:17.150
  • "Somebody desires me."
  • 00:22:17.150 --> 00:22:20.050
  • And that was a fantasy.
  • 00:22:20.050 --> 00:22:21.110
  • Like, I knew that they had
  • 00:22:21.110 --> 00:22:22.200
  • no idea who I was.
  • 00:22:22.200 --> 00:22:23.230
  • It was a magazine.
  • 00:22:23.230 --> 00:22:25.030
  • But it gave me the feeling.
  • 00:22:25.030 --> 00:22:26.250
  • And I heard my therapist say
  • 00:22:26.250 --> 00:22:29.150
  • to me one time, when he
  • 00:22:29.150 --> 00:22:30.160
  • discovered pornography,
  • 00:22:30.160 --> 00:22:32.160
  • he saw something in the pages
  • 00:22:32.160 --> 00:22:33.250
  • of the magazine he'd never seen
  • 00:22:33.250 --> 00:22:35.010
  • in his mother, and that was
  • 00:22:35.010 --> 00:22:36.230
  • a smile.
  • 00:22:36.230 --> 00:22:38.110
  • It was a woman that looked
  • 00:22:38.110 --> 00:22:39.110
  • at him as if they wanted him.
  • 00:22:39.110 --> 00:22:42.010
  • And that's what led
  • 00:22:42.010 --> 00:22:43.050
  • to the addiction.
  • 00:22:43.050 --> 00:22:44.010
  • And for me,
  • 00:22:44.010 --> 00:22:44.160
  • that's exactly what it was.
  • 00:22:44.160 --> 00:22:45.290
  • I looked at these magazines,
  • 00:22:45.290 --> 00:22:47.260
  • got addicted to 'em,
  • 00:22:47.260 --> 00:22:49.010
  • because for the first time,
  • 00:22:49.010 --> 00:22:50.030
  • I felt like somebody wanted me.
  • 00:22:50.030 --> 00:22:52.100
  • Somebody desired me.
  • 00:22:52.100 --> 00:22:53.220
  • I was desirable to--
  • 00:22:53.220 --> 00:22:56.020
  • and even though it's
  • 00:22:56.020 --> 00:22:57.010
  • a false reality, your mind
  • 00:22:57.010 --> 00:22:58.020
  • kind of rewires and reprograms,
  • 00:22:58.020 --> 00:23:00.140
  • what then leads you down
  • 00:23:00.140 --> 00:23:02.070
  • a very dark path.
  • 00:23:02.070 --> 00:23:03.200
  • Because now you've got
  • 00:23:03.200 --> 00:23:04.180
  • this feeling of being wanted,
  • 00:23:04.180 --> 00:23:06.050
  • this feeling of being desired,
  • 00:23:06.050 --> 00:23:08.130
  • but then, as soon
  • 00:23:08.130 --> 00:23:09.060
  • as that feeling leaves,
  • 00:23:09.060 --> 00:23:10.260
  • Satan comes in with the shame
  • 00:23:10.260 --> 00:23:12.100
  • and the guilt
  • 00:23:12.100 --> 00:23:13.040
  • and the condemnation.
  • 00:23:13.040 --> 00:23:13.190
  • - John: Oh, I'm so glad
  • 00:23:13.190 --> 00:23:14.080
  • you brought that into it--
  • 00:23:14.080 --> 00:23:15.110
  • - Aaron: And it just digs down.
  • 00:23:15.110 --> 00:23:16.120
  • - John: That's such a huge part
  • 00:23:16.120 --> 00:23:17.190
  • of every addiction.
  • 00:23:17.190 --> 00:23:19.050
  • - Aaron: Oh, it's massive.
  • 00:23:19.050 --> 00:23:19.260
  • - John: Now, the timing,
  • 00:23:19.260 --> 00:23:20.220
  • though.
  • 00:23:20.220 --> 00:23:21.250
  • Wow.
  • 00:23:21.250 --> 00:23:22.160
  • Twelve years old,
  • 00:23:22.160 --> 00:23:23.180
  • that's puberty.
  • 00:23:23.180 --> 00:23:24.170
  • It is totally a setup.
  • 00:23:24.170 --> 00:23:27.060
  • So--
  • 00:23:27.060 --> 00:23:27.250
  • - Aaron: It's a perfect storm.
  • 00:23:27.250 --> 00:23:29.060
  • - John: So what sets
  • 00:23:29.060 --> 00:23:30.070
  • an addiction like that--
  • 00:23:30.070 --> 00:23:32.110
  • Like, you know, usually,
  • 00:23:32.110 --> 00:23:33.120
  • addictions take you down.
  • 00:23:33.120 --> 00:23:35.160
  • So talk to us about that.
  • 00:23:35.160 --> 00:23:37.120
  • - Aaron: Well, it just,
  • 00:23:37.120 --> 00:23:37.270
  • it started a 20-year addiction,
  • 00:23:38.190 --> 00:23:41.190
  • which really became
  • 00:23:41.190 --> 00:23:42.180
  • a hardcore sex addiction.
  • 00:23:42.180 --> 00:23:44.070
  • And it started with pornography,
  • 00:23:44.070 --> 00:23:46.110
  • and it ended up with me
  • 00:23:46.110 --> 00:23:47.130
  • experimenting
  • 00:23:47.130 --> 00:23:48.040
  • with just about everything
  • 00:23:48.040 --> 00:23:50.000
  • you can imagine.
  • 00:23:50.000 --> 00:23:50.190
  • I was a very broken person,
  • 00:23:50.190 --> 00:23:52.130
  • a very hurt person.
  • 00:23:52.130 --> 00:23:54.080
  • And you go through this.
  • 00:23:54.080 --> 00:23:55.070
  • And there's different levels.
  • 00:23:55.070 --> 00:23:56.150
  • You have the level of you wanna
  • 00:23:56.150 --> 00:23:58.040
  • be wanted because you're lonely
  • 00:23:58.040 --> 00:23:59.240
  • and you're broken
  • 00:23:59.240 --> 00:24:00.130
  • and you're hurting.
  • 00:24:00.130 --> 00:24:01.050
  • You have the level
  • 00:24:01.050 --> 00:24:01.260
  • of the chemical addiction
  • 00:24:01.260 --> 00:24:03.030
  • because, you know,
  • 00:24:03.030 --> 00:24:04.050
  • pornography releases serotonin
  • 00:24:04.050 --> 00:24:06.080
  • in the back of your brain.
  • 00:24:06.080 --> 00:24:07.110
  • They say it's as strong
  • 00:24:07.110 --> 00:24:08.070
  • as a heroin addiction now,
  • 00:24:08.070 --> 00:24:09.230
  • when you look at brain scans
  • 00:24:09.230 --> 00:24:10.270
  • on pornography and brain scans
  • 00:24:10.270 --> 00:24:12.070
  • on heroin.
  • 00:24:12.070 --> 00:24:12.220
  • - John: I didn't know that.
  • 00:24:12.220 --> 00:24:13.250
  • - Aaron: Yeah, It's
  • 00:24:13.250 --> 00:24:15.100
  • one of the toughest
  • 00:24:15.100 --> 00:24:16.000
  • chemical addictions
  • 00:24:16.000 --> 00:24:17.150
  • you can deal with.
  • 00:24:17.150 --> 00:24:18.060
  • So you've got
  • 00:24:18.060 --> 00:24:18.230
  • the psychological addiction,
  • 00:24:18.230 --> 00:24:20.050
  • the emotional addiction,
  • 00:24:20.050 --> 00:24:21.040
  • the chemical addiction,
  • 00:24:21.040 --> 00:24:22.070
  • all wrapped up.
  • 00:24:22.070 --> 00:24:23.090
  • Then you have the shame
  • 00:24:23.090 --> 00:24:24.220
  • and the condemnation
  • 00:24:24.220 --> 00:24:25.210
  • that Satan layers on top of it.
  • 00:24:25.210 --> 00:24:27.240
  • You add the feeling.
  • 00:24:27.240 --> 00:24:28.200
  • And then for me,
  • 00:24:28.200 --> 00:24:30.010
  • growing up a Christian, I had
  • 00:24:30.010 --> 00:24:32.130
  • the religious condemnation
  • 00:24:32.130 --> 00:24:34.010
  • on me.
  • 00:24:34.010 --> 00:24:34.160
  • "Now, God hates me.
  • 00:24:34.160 --> 00:24:35.170
  • I'm a sick pervert.
  • 00:24:35.170 --> 00:24:36.280
  • There's no one in the world
  • 00:24:36.280 --> 00:24:38.160
  • like this.
  • 00:24:38.160 --> 00:24:39.050
  • No one thinks like I think."
  • 00:24:39.050 --> 00:24:40.270
  • And you feel isolated.
  • 00:24:40.270 --> 00:24:42.140
  • You feel alone.
  • 00:24:42.140 --> 00:24:44.020
  • And then you go through life
  • 00:24:44.020 --> 00:24:45.140
  • and you lie to yourself
  • 00:24:45.140 --> 00:24:46.140
  • constantly, thinking
  • 00:24:46.140 --> 00:24:47.150
  • that, "Okay, when I get married,
  • 00:24:47.150 --> 00:24:50.020
  • I'm not gonna need this
  • 00:24:50.020 --> 00:24:50.240
  • anymore."
  • 00:24:50.240 --> 00:24:52.010
  • You get married,
  • 00:24:52.010 --> 00:24:52.290
  • it doesn't go away.
  • 00:24:52.290 --> 00:24:53.200
  • It gets worse.
  • 00:24:53.200 --> 00:24:54.200
  • - John: Because in marriage,
  • 00:24:54.200 --> 00:24:56.050
  • sex is good.
  • 00:24:56.050 --> 00:24:57.210
  • There's no guilt and shame.
  • 00:24:57.210 --> 00:24:58.210
  • - Aaron: Yeah.
  • 00:24:58.210 --> 00:24:59.140
  • But when you've been programmed
  • 00:24:59.140 --> 00:25:01.120
  • to always have shame attached
  • 00:25:01.120 --> 00:25:03.070
  • to your sexual experiences,
  • 00:25:03.070 --> 00:25:05.020
  • sex without shame doesn't feel
  • 00:25:05.020 --> 00:25:07.040
  • good to you.
  • 00:25:07.040 --> 00:25:08.060
  • And so what pornography
  • 00:25:08.060 --> 00:25:09.070
  • actually--see, a lot of people
  • 00:25:09.070 --> 00:25:10.090
  • out there think, "I can binge
  • 00:25:10.090 --> 00:25:11.050
  • on porn now because I'm single.
  • 00:25:11.050 --> 00:25:13.090
  • And when I get married, I'm not
  • 00:25:13.090 --> 00:25:14.080
  • gonna need porn anymore."
  • 00:25:14.080 --> 00:25:15.250
  • But the research is now showing
  • 00:25:15.250 --> 00:25:18.030
  • that the more you
  • 00:25:18.030 --> 00:25:19.040
  • use pornography, the less you
  • 00:25:19.040 --> 00:25:20.190
  • desire a real human being.
  • 00:25:20.190 --> 00:25:23.010
  • And so what happens is we've got
  • 00:25:23.010 --> 00:25:24.140
  • these kids that are addicted
  • 00:25:24.140 --> 00:25:25.280
  • to pornography getting married,
  • 00:25:25.280 --> 00:25:27.280
  • and their wife's body
  • 00:25:27.280 --> 00:25:28.280
  • doesn't do it for them.
  • 00:25:28.280 --> 00:25:30.170
  • They can't find
  • 00:25:30.170 --> 00:25:32.000
  • a real fulfillment
  • 00:25:32.000 --> 00:25:34.040
  • through a real human body.
  • 00:25:34.040 --> 00:25:35.130
  • And it's damaging our culture.
  • 00:25:35.130 --> 00:25:36.280
  • And that was my story.
  • 00:25:36.280 --> 00:25:38.190
  • I get married.
  • 00:25:38.190 --> 00:25:39.210
  • - John: So when did you
  • 00:25:39.210 --> 00:25:40.080
  • get married?
  • 00:25:40.080 --> 00:25:40.230
  • How'd you find your wife?
  • 00:25:40.230 --> 00:25:42.110
  • Talk to me about that journey.
  • 00:25:42.110 --> 00:25:43.170
  • - Aaron: Yeah, exactly.
  • 00:25:43.170 --> 00:25:44.260
  • I got married back in,
  • 00:25:44.260 --> 00:25:47.020
  • when was this, 2005.
  • 00:25:47.020 --> 00:25:49.000
  • We just celebrated 11 years.
  • 00:25:49.000 --> 00:25:51.030
  • Our first 5 years were
  • 00:25:51.030 --> 00:25:52.200
  • incredibly difficult.
  • 00:25:52.200 --> 00:25:54.070
  • I got married to escape
  • 00:25:54.070 --> 00:25:55.260
  • an addiction.
  • 00:25:55.260 --> 00:25:56.160
  • She got married to kinda,
  • 00:25:56.160 --> 00:25:57.270
  • you know, run away
  • 00:25:57.270 --> 00:25:58.260
  • from family problems
  • 00:25:58.260 --> 00:26:00.020
  • and family issues.
  • 00:26:00.020 --> 00:26:01.140
  • We both were so insecure,
  • 00:26:01.140 --> 00:26:03.070
  • we couldn't call it off.
  • 00:26:03.070 --> 00:26:04.200
  • 'Cause we just were afraid
  • 00:26:04.200 --> 00:26:06.030
  • that we'd never find
  • 00:26:06.030 --> 00:26:06.240
  • anyone else.
  • 00:26:06.240 --> 00:26:07.180
  • So we got married, and it was
  • 00:26:07.180 --> 00:26:08.250
  • a recipe for disaster.
  • 00:26:08.250 --> 00:26:10.120
  • You know, a lot of people have
  • 00:26:10.120 --> 00:26:11.010
  • a honeymoon season
  • 00:26:11.010 --> 00:26:12.000
  • the first couple years
  • 00:26:12.000 --> 00:26:12.210
  • of marriage.
  • 00:26:12.210 --> 00:26:13.090
  • We had 5 years
  • 00:26:13.090 --> 00:26:14.160
  • of some of the most painful,
  • 00:26:14.160 --> 00:26:17.160
  • difficult years you can imagine.
  • 00:26:17.160 --> 00:26:20.160
  • Just very broken and lonely.
  • 00:26:20.160 --> 00:26:22.010
  • - John: So how did you explain
  • 00:26:22.010 --> 00:26:24.090
  • to your wife?
  • 00:26:24.090 --> 00:26:25.090
  • Or did you?
  • 00:26:25.090 --> 00:26:26.020
  • - Aaron: Yes.
  • 00:26:26.020 --> 00:26:27.110
  • Interestingly enough,
  • 00:26:27.110 --> 00:26:28.240
  • it was one of your friends,
  • 00:26:28.240 --> 00:26:30.070
  • Andrew Hoyes.
  • 00:26:30.070 --> 00:26:31.170
  • I was at dinner with him
  • 00:26:31.170 --> 00:26:33.020
  • and his wife.
  • 00:26:33.020 --> 00:26:34.050
  • And she just flat-out called me
  • 00:26:34.150 --> 00:26:37.150
  • and said, called me at the table
  • 00:26:37.150 --> 00:26:38.290
  • and said, "There's something
  • 00:26:38.290 --> 00:26:40.030
  • in your life you have not told
  • 00:26:40.030 --> 00:26:41.050
  • your wife, and you're struggling
  • 00:26:41.050 --> 00:26:42.260
  • with it."
  • 00:26:42.260 --> 00:26:43.260
  • I had become a senior pastor.
  • 00:26:43.290 --> 00:26:46.290
  • And I hadn't acted out
  • 00:26:46.290 --> 00:26:48.100
  • as a senior pastor,
  • 00:26:48.100 --> 00:26:49.190
  • but I knew it was still there,
  • 00:26:49.190 --> 00:26:51.000
  • and it was only a matter of time
  • 00:26:51.000 --> 00:26:52.010
  • before it came out again
  • 00:26:52.010 --> 00:26:53.220
  • and would end up destroying
  • 00:26:53.220 --> 00:26:54.290
  • everything for me.
  • 00:26:54.290 --> 00:26:56.190
  • - John: It would have been dad
  • 00:26:56.190 --> 00:26:57.110
  • all over again.
  • 00:26:57.110 --> 00:26:58.060
  • - Aaron: Yeah,
  • 00:26:58.060 --> 00:26:58.210
  • it would have been horrible.
  • 00:26:58.210 --> 00:27:00.050
  • - John: So do you think,
  • 00:27:00.050 --> 00:27:00.260
  • just back up, your promise
  • 00:27:00.260 --> 00:27:02.250
  • that you're never gonna be
  • 00:27:02.250 --> 00:27:03.290
  • like that had anything to do
  • 00:27:03.290 --> 00:27:05.080
  • with this?
  • 00:27:05.080 --> 00:27:05.290
  • - Aaron: Exactly.
  • 00:27:05.290 --> 00:27:06.220
  • You know, I made the commitment,
  • 00:27:06.220 --> 00:27:07.260
  • "I'll never be like my father
  • 00:27:07.260 --> 00:27:09.220
  • and do what he did."
  • 00:27:09.220 --> 00:27:11.080
  • And I became just like him.
  • 00:27:11.080 --> 00:27:13.050
  • I became a very broken,
  • 00:27:13.050 --> 00:27:14.290
  • a very, just a hurt person.
  • 00:27:15.050 --> 00:27:18.050
  • And ended up causing
  • 00:27:18.050 --> 00:27:19.040
  • a lot of pain.
  • 00:27:19.040 --> 00:27:19.280
  • And so what, so I did
  • 00:27:19.280 --> 00:27:21.050
  • with my wife that night
  • 00:27:21.050 --> 00:27:22.110
  • after dinner where I told her
  • 00:27:22.110 --> 00:27:23.240
  • every detail of my life.
  • 00:27:23.240 --> 00:27:26.010
  • - John: What was her reaction?
  • 00:27:26.010 --> 00:27:27.070
  • - Aaron: You know, I was scared
  • 00:27:27.070 --> 00:27:28.010
  • to death at first because I
  • 00:27:28.010 --> 00:27:29.070
  • thought it was gonna end
  • 00:27:29.070 --> 00:27:30.040
  • everything.
  • 00:27:30.040 --> 00:27:31.010
  • And what I saw in my wife
  • 00:27:31.010 --> 00:27:33.060
  • was grace.
  • 00:27:33.060 --> 00:27:34.290
  • She was hurt.
  • 00:27:34.290 --> 00:27:36.090
  • She was broken.
  • 00:27:36.090 --> 00:27:37.090
  • She was crushed.
  • 00:27:37.090 --> 00:27:39.170
  • She was relieved
  • 00:27:39.170 --> 00:27:40.190
  • because for years, she thought
  • 00:27:40.190 --> 00:27:41.180
  • she was crazy because she knew,
  • 00:27:42.070 --> 00:27:45.070
  • but she couldn't prove it.
  • 00:27:45.070 --> 00:27:46.120
  • - John: Wow,
  • 00:27:46.120 --> 00:27:47.080
  • such a great story.
  • 00:27:47.080 --> 00:27:48.190
  • I am so excited to extend
  • 00:27:48.190 --> 00:27:50.030
  • this discussion.
  • 00:27:50.030 --> 00:27:51.110
  • And I'm gonna bring Helen
  • 00:27:51.110 --> 00:27:53.090
  • and Niyah on to help me as we
  • 00:27:53.090 --> 00:27:55.250
  • learn more.
  • 00:27:55.250 --> 00:27:56.190
  • Thank you.
  • 00:27:56.190 --> 00:27:58.110
  • - Niyah: Wow, so brave.
  • 00:27:58.110 --> 00:28:00.080
  • Now, after the break, we welcome
  • 00:28:00.080 --> 00:28:01.180
  • Aaron to the studio to continue
  • 00:28:01.180 --> 00:28:03.070
  • this heartfelt discussion.
  • 00:28:03.070 --> 00:28:05.090
  • - Niyah: Well, welcome back
  • 00:28:16.160 --> 00:28:17.080
  • to "Sex, Love & Relationships."
  • 00:28:17.080 --> 00:28:18.210
  • Now, we just saw John discuss
  • 00:28:18.210 --> 00:28:20.090
  • the topic of addiction
  • 00:28:20.090 --> 00:28:21.180
  • with Aaron, who shared
  • 00:28:21.180 --> 00:28:22.200
  • his testimony with us.
  • 00:28:22.200 --> 00:28:24.010
  • And now he joins us here
  • 00:28:24.010 --> 00:28:25.090
  • in the studio.
  • 00:28:25.090 --> 00:28:26.030
  • Welcome, Aaron.
  • 00:28:26.030 --> 00:28:26.290
  • - Aaron: Thank you, Niyah.
  • 00:28:26.290 --> 00:28:27.190
  • It's so good to be
  • 00:28:27.190 --> 00:28:28.040
  • with you guys.
  • 00:28:28.040 --> 00:28:29.150
  • - Helen: It's so great to be
  • 00:28:29.150 --> 00:28:30.050
  • with you and to see you.
  • 00:28:30.050 --> 00:28:31.190
  • You haven't aged at all,
  • 00:28:31.190 --> 00:28:32.250
  • you know?
  • 00:28:32.250 --> 00:28:34.030
  • We have, but you have not.
  • 00:28:34.030 --> 00:28:36.060
  • - John: So, can you pick up
  • 00:28:36.060 --> 00:28:37.010
  • from where we left off?
  • 00:28:37.010 --> 00:28:39.060
  • And you just had full disclosure
  • 00:28:39.060 --> 00:28:41.150
  • with your wife, and she was
  • 00:28:41.150 --> 00:28:43.010
  • so, it was so gracious
  • 00:28:43.010 --> 00:28:45.120
  • how she received it.
  • 00:28:45.120 --> 00:28:46.190
  • And then what?
  • 00:28:46.190 --> 00:28:47.150
  • - Aaron: You know, I tell
  • 00:28:47.150 --> 00:28:48.130
  • people all the time that, "It's
  • 00:28:48.130 --> 00:28:49.270
  • God's job to forgive you of sin,
  • 00:28:49.270 --> 00:28:52.170
  • but it's not God's job to keep
  • 00:28:52.170 --> 00:28:53.280
  • you from doing it again."
  • 00:28:53.280 --> 00:28:56.080
  • The Bible's clear.
  • 00:28:56.080 --> 00:28:57.030
  • James 5 says: "We gotta confess
  • 00:28:57.030 --> 00:28:58.080
  • to one another."
  • 00:28:58.080 --> 00:28:59.110
  • But it's not just confessing
  • 00:28:59.110 --> 00:29:00.130
  • to anybody.
  • 00:29:00.130 --> 00:29:01.130
  • It's confessing
  • 00:29:01.130 --> 00:29:02.040
  • to the right people.
  • 00:29:02.040 --> 00:29:03.070
  • So you gotta figure out
  • 00:29:03.070 --> 00:29:04.050
  • who matters most.
  • 00:29:04.050 --> 00:29:04.260
  • Like, with teenagers
  • 00:29:04.260 --> 00:29:05.160
  • in our church.
  • 00:29:05.160 --> 00:29:06.200
  • You know, for them, I have them
  • 00:29:06.200 --> 00:29:07.230
  • confess to their parents,
  • 00:29:07.230 --> 00:29:09.130
  • their dad.
  • 00:29:09.130 --> 00:29:10.100
  • Because that's probably
  • 00:29:10.100 --> 00:29:11.140
  • the most critical relationship
  • 00:29:11.140 --> 00:29:13.000
  • in their life.
  • 00:29:13.000 --> 00:29:14.090
  • And the ones that are willing
  • 00:29:14.090 --> 00:29:15.080
  • to do that, not just confess
  • 00:29:15.080 --> 00:29:16.250
  • to me, but confess to a parent,
  • 00:29:16.250 --> 00:29:18.210
  • are the ones that we've seen
  • 00:29:18.210 --> 00:29:19.180
  • really get free.
  • 00:29:19.180 --> 00:29:20.190
  • - John: Wow, that's awesome.
  • 00:29:20.190 --> 00:29:21.240
  • So what's next?
  • 00:29:21.240 --> 00:29:23.020
  • - Aaron: I think
  • 00:29:23.020 --> 00:29:23.200
  • that the next step for me
  • 00:29:23.200 --> 00:29:25.160
  • and for most people is they
  • 00:29:25.160 --> 00:29:27.010
  • have to understand grace.
  • 00:29:27.010 --> 00:29:29.070
  • If they don't understand
  • 00:29:29.070 --> 00:29:30.100
  • God's grace and the way God
  • 00:29:30.100 --> 00:29:31.150
  • views them.
  • 00:29:31.150 --> 00:29:32.260
  • If they don't understand
  • 00:29:32.260 --> 00:29:33.200
  • that, "Yes, I'm an addict,
  • 00:29:33.200 --> 00:29:35.180
  • but my addiction, if I am
  • 00:29:35.180 --> 00:29:37.030
  • a born-again believer,
  • 00:29:37.030 --> 00:29:38.150
  • does not make me unrighteous."
  • 00:29:38.150 --> 00:29:41.100
  • Because the power of addiction,
  • 00:29:41.100 --> 00:29:43.080
  • the power of what Satan does,
  • 00:29:43.080 --> 00:29:44.160
  • especially through
  • 00:29:44.160 --> 00:29:45.100
  • sexual addiction,
  • 00:29:45.100 --> 00:29:46.050
  • it's the shame and the guilt
  • 00:29:46.050 --> 00:29:48.150
  • and the condemnation.
  • 00:29:48.150 --> 00:29:50.100
  • And you have to believe
  • 00:29:50.100 --> 00:29:51.170
  • you're righteous.
  • 00:29:51.170 --> 00:29:52.020
  • One of my favorite verses
  • 00:29:52.020 --> 00:29:53.020
  • in the Bible is:
  • 00:29:53.020 --> 00:29:53.220
  • "The Holy Spirit convicts us
  • 00:29:53.220 --> 00:29:55.110
  • of righteousness."
  • 00:29:55.110 --> 00:29:56.190
  • We talk a lot
  • 00:29:56.190 --> 00:29:57.130
  • about the Holy Spirit convicting
  • 00:29:57.130 --> 00:29:58.140
  • of sin, but you really
  • 00:29:58.140 --> 00:29:59.260
  • can't find that in Scripture
  • 00:29:59.260 --> 00:30:00.280
  • at all.
  • 00:30:00.280 --> 00:30:01.260
  • And the reason is
  • 00:30:01.260 --> 00:30:03.050
  • God's not into redundancy.
  • 00:30:03.050 --> 00:30:04.250
  • God gave us a conscience.
  • 00:30:04.250 --> 00:30:06.020
  • We know when we're in sin.
  • 00:30:06.020 --> 00:30:07.190
  • What the Holy Spirit wants to do
  • 00:30:07.190 --> 00:30:09.170
  • is convince you that you're
  • 00:30:09.170 --> 00:30:10.160
  • righteous.
  • 00:30:10.160 --> 00:30:11.070
  • When you sin and you blow it,
  • 00:30:11.070 --> 00:30:12.210
  • the Holy Spirit wants to say,
  • 00:30:12.210 --> 00:30:13.250
  • "Yes, you blew it, but it's not
  • 00:30:13.250 --> 00:30:15.190
  • about your performance.
  • 00:30:15.190 --> 00:30:17.010
  • It's about Jesus' performance
  • 00:30:17.010 --> 00:30:18.150
  • 2.000 years ago.
  • 00:30:18.150 --> 00:30:20.000
  • And because of what he did
  • 00:30:20.000 --> 00:30:21.070
  • on your behalf,
  • 00:30:21.070 --> 00:30:21.250
  • you are righteous."
  • 00:30:21.250 --> 00:30:24.110
  • And here's the things, when you
  • 00:30:24.110 --> 00:30:25.090
  • begin to become convinced,
  • 00:30:25.090 --> 00:30:27.150
  • that's the word "conviction,"
  • 00:30:27.150 --> 00:30:28.160
  • convinced that you're righteous,
  • 00:30:28.160 --> 00:30:30.100
  • you begin to live it.
  • 00:30:30.100 --> 00:30:31.210
  • Your desires change.
  • 00:30:31.210 --> 00:30:32.180
  • Your heart change.
  • 00:30:32.180 --> 00:30:33.180
  • Your attitude change.
  • 00:30:33.180 --> 00:30:34.270
  • And that's key for an addict,
  • 00:30:34.270 --> 00:30:36.210
  • is understanding the grace
  • 00:30:36.210 --> 00:30:38.180
  • that, "I can be righteous,
  • 00:30:38.180 --> 00:30:40.070
  • even with all the sickness
  • 00:30:40.070 --> 00:30:42.240
  • and brokenness inside."
  • 00:30:42.240 --> 00:30:44.070
  • Because it begins to rewire
  • 00:30:44.070 --> 00:30:45.140
  • your brain.
  • 00:30:45.140 --> 00:30:46.040
  • And it's a renewing
  • 00:30:46.040 --> 00:30:47.010
  • of your brain.
  • 00:30:47.010 --> 00:30:48.080
  • - Helen: Yeah, it is,
  • 00:30:48.080 --> 00:30:49.010
  • literally, yeah.
  • 00:30:49.010 --> 00:30:50.160
  • I would love to know
  • 00:30:50.160 --> 00:30:53.030
  • how much of this,
  • 00:30:53.030 --> 00:30:54.130
  • in the journey,
  • 00:30:54.130 --> 00:30:55.110
  • was your wife a part of it?
  • 00:30:55.110 --> 00:30:56.200
  • Because I think there'd be
  • 00:30:56.200 --> 00:30:57.250
  • so many couples out there,
  • 00:30:57.250 --> 00:30:59.000
  • Christian couples,
  • 00:30:59.000 --> 00:30:59.270
  • or dating couples,
  • 00:30:59.270 --> 00:31:01.270
  • whatever, married couples,
  • 00:31:02.080 --> 00:31:05.080
  • looking for answers.
  • 00:31:05.080 --> 00:31:06.090
  • What would be the best part
  • 00:31:06.090 --> 00:31:08.030
  • for the role of a wife?
  • 00:31:08.030 --> 00:31:09.100
  • Or conversely, it could be
  • 00:31:09.100 --> 00:31:10.210
  • a husband helping his wife.
  • 00:31:10.210 --> 00:31:12.050
  • - Aaron: It's hard to answer
  • 00:31:12.050 --> 00:31:13.030
  • that question because
  • 00:31:13.030 --> 00:31:14.010
  • every scenario is different.
  • 00:31:14.010 --> 00:31:15.170
  • And there's some men who,
  • 00:31:15.170 --> 00:31:17.180
  • when they get caught,
  • 00:31:17.180 --> 00:31:18.240
  • they'll do a program to change.
  • 00:31:18.240 --> 00:31:21.230
  • But they're doin' the program
  • 00:31:21.230 --> 00:31:22.190
  • because they got caught.
  • 00:31:22.190 --> 00:31:24.130
  • They're not doing it because
  • 00:31:24.130 --> 00:31:25.120
  • their heart really wants--
  • 00:31:25.120 --> 00:31:26.050
  • - Helen: I really wanted
  • 00:31:26.050 --> 00:31:26.210
  • to bring up
  • 00:31:26.210 --> 00:31:27.080
  • the "got caught" part.
  • 00:31:27.080 --> 00:31:28.240
  • - Aaron: To change, yeah.
  • 00:31:28.240 --> 00:31:29.220
  • - Helen: Because I think
  • 00:31:29.220 --> 00:31:31.020
  • if someone confesses
  • 00:31:31.020 --> 00:31:32.030
  • or someone gets caught,
  • 00:31:32.030 --> 00:31:33.170
  • is there a big difference?
  • 00:31:33.170 --> 00:31:34.230
  • - Aaron: There actually is
  • 00:31:34.230 --> 00:31:36.010
  • a very, very big difference.
  • 00:31:36.010 --> 00:31:38.140
  • One of my saving graces is I
  • 00:31:38.140 --> 00:31:41.060
  • didn't get caught.
  • 00:31:41.060 --> 00:31:41.290
  • I came forward willingly.
  • 00:31:41.290 --> 00:31:43.240
  • And that was one of the things
  • 00:31:43.240 --> 00:31:44.240
  • that propelled me.
  • 00:31:44.240 --> 00:31:45.210
  • But my other saving grace,
  • 00:31:45.210 --> 00:31:46.290
  • and this is what I
  • 00:31:46.290 --> 00:31:47.210
  • would encourage anybody
  • 00:31:47.210 --> 00:31:48.180
  • in the process, is I didn't put
  • 00:31:48.180 --> 00:31:49.290
  • all of the weight
  • 00:31:49.290 --> 00:31:50.290
  • on my wife's shoulders.
  • 00:31:50.290 --> 00:31:52.290
  • I couldn't have let my wife
  • 00:31:52.290 --> 00:31:53.290
  • carry that burden by herself.
  • 00:31:53.290 --> 00:31:56.000
  • It would have been too much
  • 00:31:56.000 --> 00:31:56.240
  • for her.
  • 00:31:56.240 --> 00:31:57.240
  • I needed other incentive
  • 00:31:57.240 --> 00:32:00.060
  • to get free.
  • 00:32:00.060 --> 00:32:01.070
  • So one of the things I did
  • 00:32:01.070 --> 00:32:02.030
  • as a pastor is I went
  • 00:32:02.030 --> 00:32:03.030
  • to my elder board.
  • 00:32:03.030 --> 00:32:04.240
  • I told them everything,
  • 00:32:04.240 --> 00:32:06.180
  • fully expecting them
  • 00:32:06.180 --> 00:32:07.240
  • to fire me.
  • 00:32:07.240 --> 00:32:09.130
  • 'Cause I'd only been on the job
  • 00:32:09.130 --> 00:32:10.160
  • for a couple months
  • 00:32:10.160 --> 00:32:11.030
  • as the pastor of the church.
  • 00:32:11.030 --> 00:32:12.280
  • And I thought they
  • 00:32:12.280 --> 00:32:13.210
  • were gonna fire me.
  • 00:32:13.210 --> 00:32:14.240
  • And they said,
  • 00:32:14.240 --> 00:32:15.120
  • "God brought you here.
  • 00:32:15.120 --> 00:32:16.130
  • We prayed.
  • 00:32:16.130 --> 00:32:17.130
  • There's a reason you're here.
  • 00:32:17.130 --> 00:32:19.040
  • We don't care if the church
  • 00:32:19.040 --> 00:32:20.030
  • grows at all.
  • 00:32:20.030 --> 00:32:21.020
  • We want you and your wife
  • 00:32:21.020 --> 00:32:22.020
  • healthy."
  • 00:32:22.020 --> 00:32:23.040
  • And they walked along--
  • 00:32:23.040 --> 00:32:24.250
  • I'm gettin', I get teary-eyed
  • 00:32:24.250 --> 00:32:26.000
  • thinkin' about what they've done
  • 00:32:26.000 --> 00:32:27.100
  • for me.
  • 00:32:27.100 --> 00:32:27.250
  • - Helen: We need more stories
  • 00:32:27.250 --> 00:32:28.130
  • like this.
  • 00:32:28.130 --> 00:32:29.080
  • - Aaron: But they walked along
  • 00:32:29.080 --> 00:32:29.290
  • my wife and I to get healthy.
  • 00:32:29.290 --> 00:32:31.240
  • And I went through
  • 00:32:31.240 --> 00:32:32.200
  • a number of different clinics.
  • 00:32:32.200 --> 00:32:34.140
  • I went to a sex addiction clinic
  • 00:32:34.140 --> 00:32:36.100
  • in Minnesota, one of the best
  • 00:32:36.100 --> 00:32:37.190
  • in the nation.
  • 00:32:37.190 --> 00:32:38.200
  • We went through
  • 00:32:38.200 --> 00:32:39.230
  • marriage restoration
  • 00:32:39.230 --> 00:32:41.160
  • with Dave Carder
  • 00:32:41.160 --> 00:32:42.220
  • in Orange County,
  • 00:32:42.220 --> 00:32:44.050
  • phenomenal man of God,
  • 00:32:44.050 --> 00:32:45.160
  • wrote the book "Torn Asunder,"
  • 00:32:45.160 --> 00:32:47.160
  • and helping rebuild marriages.
  • 00:32:47.160 --> 00:32:49.150
  • And so we went through
  • 00:32:49.150 --> 00:32:50.130
  • about a 2-year process.
  • 00:32:50.130 --> 00:32:51.170
  • My wife was--had to be
  • 00:32:51.170 --> 00:32:53.130
  • critically involved because it
  • 00:32:53.130 --> 00:32:54.160
  • was about rebuilding
  • 00:32:54.160 --> 00:32:55.080
  • our marriage, rebuilding trust.
  • 00:32:55.080 --> 00:32:57.160
  • But at the same time, it
  • 00:32:57.160 --> 00:32:58.200
  • couldn't be just me and my wife.
  • 00:32:58.200 --> 00:33:00.100
  • There had to be other factors
  • 00:33:00.100 --> 00:33:02.120
  • there for me to really overcome.
  • 00:33:02.120 --> 00:33:05.040
  • And I think that's the problem,
  • 00:33:05.040 --> 00:33:06.040
  • is a lot of people,
  • 00:33:06.040 --> 00:33:07.110
  • they wanna keep it private.
  • 00:33:07.110 --> 00:33:08.240
  • They wanna keep it quiet.
  • 00:33:08.240 --> 00:33:10.030
  • Like, just, you know, "My wife
  • 00:33:10.030 --> 00:33:11.030
  • and I will work this out
  • 00:33:11.030 --> 00:33:11.280
  • ourselves."
  • 00:33:11.280 --> 00:33:13.070
  • It's very difficult that way.
  • 00:33:13.070 --> 00:33:15.190
  • I'm not gonna say it's
  • 00:33:15.190 --> 00:33:16.070
  • impossible.
  • 00:33:16.070 --> 00:33:16.270
  • It's very difficult to try
  • 00:33:16.270 --> 00:33:18.220
  • to do it that way.
  • 00:33:18.220 --> 00:33:19.200
  • There has to be other factors
  • 00:33:19.200 --> 00:33:21.280
  • involved, other people
  • 00:33:21.280 --> 00:33:22.280
  • in your life.
  • 00:33:22.280 --> 00:33:23.140
  • There's gotta be
  • 00:33:23.140 --> 00:33:23.290
  • a support system, a community
  • 00:33:23.290 --> 00:33:26.010
  • around you to really walk you
  • 00:33:26.010 --> 00:33:27.240
  • through it.
  • 00:33:27.240 --> 00:33:28.110
  • - Helen: I just think if it was
  • 00:33:28.110 --> 00:33:29.000
  • John and I, we've talked about
  • 00:33:29.000 --> 00:33:30.010
  • this before with other people,
  • 00:33:30.010 --> 00:33:31.120
  • I wouldn't wanna be
  • 00:33:31.120 --> 00:33:32.060
  • John's policeman.
  • 00:33:32.060 --> 00:33:33.210
  • I'd wanna be his wife.
  • 00:33:33.210 --> 00:33:34.290
  • But I would want to know, say
  • 00:33:34.290 --> 00:33:36.040
  • this was our situation, that I
  • 00:33:36.040 --> 00:33:38.170
  • would wanna know somebody
  • 00:33:38.170 --> 00:33:39.130
  • was holding him accountable
  • 00:33:39.130 --> 00:33:40.240
  • so that if, say it was you
  • 00:33:40.240 --> 00:33:42.090
  • that was holding him
  • 00:33:42.090 --> 00:33:42.290
  • accountable, that you would let
  • 00:33:42.290 --> 00:33:44.190
  • me know, "John's not doing
  • 00:33:44.190 --> 00:33:46.080
  • what he needs to be doing."
  • 00:33:46.080 --> 00:33:47.200
  • But I don't have to every day
  • 00:33:47.200 --> 00:33:48.270
  • say, "How did you do?
  • 00:33:48.270 --> 00:33:49.200
  • How did you do?
  • 00:33:49.200 --> 00:33:50.060
  • How did you do?"
  • 00:33:50.060 --> 00:33:51.040
  • - Aaron: And that is the key.
  • 00:33:51.040 --> 00:33:51.230
  • My wife doesn't need to be
  • 00:33:51.230 --> 00:33:53.010
  • my policeman.
  • 00:33:53.010 --> 00:33:54.230
  • She needs to be my wife.
  • 00:33:54.230 --> 00:33:56.090
  • But there has to be a level
  • 00:33:56.090 --> 00:33:57.270
  • of transparency
  • 00:33:57.270 --> 00:33:58.260
  • between the two of us
  • 00:33:58.260 --> 00:34:00.170
  • where she knows what's goin' on.
  • 00:34:00.170 --> 00:34:01.240
  • 'Cause she can sense it.
  • 00:34:01.240 --> 00:34:02.240
  • And she needs to have people she
  • 00:34:02.240 --> 00:34:03.280
  • can go to that she can talk to
  • 00:34:03.290 --> 00:34:06.290
  • and that know me and that are
  • 00:34:06.290 --> 00:34:08.150
  • working with me.
  • 00:34:08.150 --> 00:34:09.200
  • And I think that was
  • 00:34:09.200 --> 00:34:10.120
  • one of the things we did,
  • 00:34:10.120 --> 00:34:11.050
  • is we invited
  • 00:34:11.050 --> 00:34:11.250
  • some important people
  • 00:34:11.250 --> 00:34:12.240
  • into our life to be
  • 00:34:12.240 --> 00:34:13.250
  • a part of this process with us.
  • 00:34:13.250 --> 00:34:15.290
  • And it really helped us walk
  • 00:34:15.290 --> 00:34:17.180
  • this journey.
  • 00:34:17.180 --> 00:34:18.140
  • - John: What's the time journey
  • 00:34:18.140 --> 00:34:20.100
  • through this?
  • 00:34:20.100 --> 00:34:21.010
  • And how do you know you're
  • 00:34:21.010 --> 00:34:22.080
  • on the other side?
  • 00:34:22.080 --> 00:34:23.010
  • Or are you ever
  • 00:34:23.010 --> 00:34:23.240
  • on the other side?
  • 00:34:23.240 --> 00:34:25.040
  • - Aaron: You know, I think you
  • 00:34:25.040 --> 00:34:25.230
  • always have to be on guard.
  • 00:34:25.230 --> 00:34:27.050
  • But there does come a point
  • 00:34:27.050 --> 00:34:28.100
  • where things change.
  • 00:34:28.100 --> 00:34:29.230
  • You know, for me, I would say it
  • 00:34:29.230 --> 00:34:31.130
  • was about 2 years
  • 00:34:31.130 --> 00:34:33.000
  • of the process.
  • 00:34:33.000 --> 00:34:34.130
  • I mean, immediately big chunks
  • 00:34:34.130 --> 00:34:36.180
  • were knocked off of my life.
  • 00:34:36.180 --> 00:34:38.240
  • But there was a lot of chiseling
  • 00:34:38.240 --> 00:34:40.040
  • that had to be done.
  • 00:34:40.040 --> 00:34:40.280
  • There was smaller things.
  • 00:34:40.280 --> 00:34:43.040
  • I mean, I went through,
  • 00:34:43.040 --> 00:34:44.060
  • you know, having, you know,
  • 00:34:44.060 --> 00:34:45.270
  • a hardcore addiction where I
  • 00:34:45.270 --> 00:34:47.200
  • was acting out on a daily basis
  • 00:34:47.200 --> 00:34:50.100
  • for years, for years,
  • 00:34:50.100 --> 00:34:53.100
  • to, you know, a process
  • 00:34:53.100 --> 00:34:55.280
  • where, you know, the first year,
  • 00:34:55.280 --> 00:34:57.260
  • maybe it was every few months
  • 00:34:57.260 --> 00:34:59.130
  • I would slip and fall.
  • 00:34:59.130 --> 00:35:00.280
  • But the more there was
  • 00:35:00.280 --> 00:35:01.280
  • transparency, the more there was
  • 00:35:01.280 --> 00:35:03.040
  • accountability,
  • 00:35:03.040 --> 00:35:04.130
  • the more I was embracing
  • 00:35:04.130 --> 00:35:05.090
  • righteousness and grace,
  • 00:35:05.090 --> 00:35:06.280
  • the more my desires changed.
  • 00:35:06.280 --> 00:35:08.280
  • To the point where it's not
  • 00:35:08.280 --> 00:35:10.260
  • that I don't want to go do
  • 00:35:10.260 --> 00:35:13.020
  • that stuff.
  • 00:35:13.020 --> 00:35:13.180
  • I don't wake up every day
  • 00:35:13.180 --> 00:35:14.150
  • sayin', "I can't go look
  • 00:35:14.150 --> 00:35:15.090
  • at porn.
  • 00:35:15.090 --> 00:35:15.270
  • I can't go look at porn."
  • 00:35:15.270 --> 00:35:17.140
  • My appetites have changed.
  • 00:35:17.140 --> 00:35:19.150
  • My desires have changed.
  • 00:35:19.150 --> 00:35:20.100
  • My mind has rewired where,
  • 00:35:20.110 --> 00:35:23.110
  • I don't know if this is too much
  • 00:35:23.110 --> 00:35:24.080
  • for TV, but I honestly can't
  • 00:35:24.080 --> 00:35:26.170
  • get aroused by another woman
  • 00:35:26.170 --> 00:35:29.020
  • other than my wife now.
  • 00:35:29.020 --> 00:35:30.170
  • Like, I'm to the point now
  • 00:35:30.170 --> 00:35:32.060
  • where even if I see
  • 00:35:32.060 --> 00:35:33.060
  • an attractive female
  • 00:35:33.060 --> 00:35:34.260
  • or an attractive body,
  • 00:35:34.260 --> 00:35:36.040
  • it doesn't arouse me anymore.
  • 00:35:36.040 --> 00:35:38.230
  • Like, my wife is the one I
  • 00:35:38.230 --> 00:35:40.260
  • have eyes for now.
  • 00:35:40.260 --> 00:35:42.250
  • But that was a--it was a process
  • 00:35:42.250 --> 00:35:44.280
  • of healing and growing.
  • 00:35:44.280 --> 00:35:46.280
  • And I had to do a lot of therapy
  • 00:35:46.280 --> 00:35:48.180
  • for my childhood.
  • 00:35:48.180 --> 00:35:49.230
  • I had a lot of roots
  • 00:35:49.230 --> 00:35:50.260
  • inside of me.
  • 00:35:50.260 --> 00:35:51.220
  • Because, again, as I said,
  • 00:35:51.220 --> 00:35:52.230
  • with porn addiction it's not
  • 00:35:52.230 --> 00:35:54.100
  • just the sex.
  • 00:35:54.100 --> 00:35:56.050
  • There's loneliness.
  • 00:35:56.050 --> 00:35:57.120
  • There's abandonment.
  • 00:35:57.120 --> 00:35:58.070
  • There's rejection issues.
  • 00:35:58.070 --> 00:35:59.250
  • You have to dig
  • 00:35:59.250 --> 00:36:00.190
  • through childhood and allow God
  • 00:36:00.190 --> 00:36:02.210
  • to heal some of those areas,
  • 00:36:02.210 --> 00:36:04.210
  • which is different
  • 00:36:04.210 --> 00:36:05.130
  • than forgiveness.
  • 00:36:05.130 --> 00:36:06.050
  • Like, I forgave my father
  • 00:36:06.050 --> 00:36:08.050
  • for what he had done to me
  • 00:36:08.050 --> 00:36:09.050
  • years ago.
  • 00:36:09.050 --> 00:36:10.210
  • I don't think I fully healed
  • 00:36:10.210 --> 00:36:12.070
  • from what happened until I
  • 00:36:12.070 --> 00:36:14.040
  • really began this process.
  • 00:36:14.040 --> 00:36:16.190
  • And it really allowed God to do
  • 00:36:16.190 --> 00:36:18.060
  • some great things.
  • 00:36:18.060 --> 00:36:19.140
  • - Helen: Wow, how helpful.
  • 00:36:19.140 --> 00:36:20.080
  • - Niyah: Thank you, thank you,
  • 00:36:20.080 --> 00:36:21.020
  • thank you.
  • 00:36:21.020 --> 00:36:21.170
  • Thank you, Aaron.
  • 00:36:21.170 --> 00:36:22.090
  • - Helen: So proud of you.
  • 00:36:22.090 --> 00:36:22.270
  • - Niyah: Yes.
  • 00:36:22.270 --> 00:36:23.160
  • Thank you for sharing
  • 00:36:23.160 --> 00:36:24.130
  • your story.
  • 00:36:24.130 --> 00:36:24.280
  • Thank you for your transparency,
  • 00:36:24.280 --> 00:36:26.200
  • for opening up.
  • 00:36:26.200 --> 00:36:27.130
  • And I know it's impacting
  • 00:36:27.130 --> 00:36:28.240
  • so many people
  • 00:36:28.240 --> 00:36:29.200
  • and so many viewers out there.
  • 00:36:29.200 --> 00:36:31.080
  • - Niyah: Coming up
  • 00:36:31.080 --> 00:36:32.020
  • after the break.
  • 00:36:32.020 --> 00:36:33.080
  • - female: I have a question
  • 00:36:33.080 --> 00:36:33.270
  • for John.
  • 00:36:33.270 --> 00:36:34.250
  • The pursuit of a man, how does
  • 00:36:34.250 --> 00:36:36.200
  • that look for us women?
  • 00:36:36.200 --> 00:36:38.090
  • And then how does that apply
  • 00:36:38.090 --> 00:36:39.060
  • to social media and the way
  • 00:36:39.060 --> 00:36:40.160
  • that dating works these days?
  • 00:36:40.160 --> 00:36:42.030
  • - female: My question is about,
  • 00:36:42.030 --> 00:36:42.260
  • like, do you think that God
  • 00:36:42.260 --> 00:36:44.190
  • really only has one person
  • 00:36:44.190 --> 00:36:45.290
  • for us?
  • 00:36:45.290 --> 00:36:47.000
  • I've been confused myself so I'd
  • 00:36:47.000 --> 00:36:48.160
  • love to hear your thoughts
  • 00:36:48.160 --> 00:36:49.170
  • on that.
  • 00:36:49.170 --> 00:36:50.100
  • - John: If God was to tell you,
  • 00:36:50.100 --> 00:36:51.160
  • "That's the one,"
  • 00:36:51.160 --> 00:36:52.060
  • like, if someone comes to you
  • 00:36:52.060 --> 00:36:52.290
  • and said, "God told me
  • 00:36:52.290 --> 00:36:53.210
  • I'm supposed to marry you," run.
  • 00:36:54.130 --> 00:36:57.130
  • - Niyah: Welcome back
  • 00:37:07.140 --> 00:37:08.020
  • to the show.
  • 00:37:08.020 --> 00:37:08.190
  • And welcome our studio audience,
  • 00:37:08.190 --> 00:37:10.090
  • who are ready to ask John
  • 00:37:10.090 --> 00:37:11.130
  • and Helen
  • 00:37:11.130 --> 00:37:12.140
  • some interesting questions
  • 00:37:12.140 --> 00:37:13.170
  • on the topics of sex, love,
  • 00:37:13.170 --> 00:37:15.190
  • and relationships.
  • 00:37:15.190 --> 00:37:17.020
  • John and Helen, are you ready?
  • 00:37:17.020 --> 00:37:18.120
  • - Helen: So ready.
  • 00:37:18.120 --> 00:37:18.270
  • - John: Yeah, we're lookin'
  • 00:37:18.270 --> 00:37:19.140
  • forward to this.
  • 00:37:19.140 --> 00:37:20.110
  • Gonna have some fun.
  • 00:37:20.110 --> 00:37:21.130
  • - female: I have a question
  • 00:37:21.130 --> 00:37:22.000
  • for John.
  • 00:37:22.000 --> 00:37:23.060
  • The pursuit of a man,
  • 00:37:23.060 --> 00:37:24.200
  • how does that look for us women?
  • 00:37:24.200 --> 00:37:26.140
  • And then how does that apply
  • 00:37:26.140 --> 00:37:27.130
  • to social media and the way
  • 00:37:27.130 --> 00:37:28.220
  • that dating works these days?
  • 00:37:28.220 --> 00:37:30.040
  • - Niyah: Ooh.
  • 00:37:30.040 --> 00:37:31.030
  • - John: Wow, so you mean
  • 00:37:31.030 --> 00:37:31.190
  • the pursuit of a man.
  • 00:37:31.190 --> 00:37:33.160
  • In other words, we're talkin'
  • 00:37:33.160 --> 00:37:34.060
  • from a woman to a man?
  • 00:37:34.060 --> 00:37:36.060
  • - female: From how I should
  • 00:37:36.060 --> 00:37:37.150
  • expect a man to pursue me,
  • 00:37:37.150 --> 00:37:39.060
  • or how we should expect
  • 00:37:39.060 --> 00:37:40.020
  • to be pursued.
  • 00:37:40.020 --> 00:37:40.200
  • - John: That's easy to answer.
  • 00:37:40.200 --> 00:37:42.160
  • The other way around,
  • 00:37:42.160 --> 00:37:43.030
  • I would be totally out to lunch.
  • 00:37:43.040 --> 00:37:46.040
  • But it's--
  • 00:37:46.040 --> 00:37:46.270
  • - Niyah: So can a man pursue?
  • 00:37:46.270 --> 00:37:47.280
  • What should we expect?
  • 00:37:47.280 --> 00:37:50.080
  • In other words.
  • 00:37:50.080 --> 00:37:50.260
  • - John: Well, absolutely.
  • 00:37:50.260 --> 00:37:51.250
  • I think there's pursuit
  • 00:37:51.250 --> 00:37:53.170
  • on both sides.
  • 00:37:53.170 --> 00:37:54.260
  • But typically, it's the woman
  • 00:37:54.260 --> 00:37:56.150
  • that lets him know that,
  • 00:37:56.150 --> 00:37:57.250
  • "I'm available for pursuit."
  • 00:37:57.250 --> 00:38:00.200
  • - Helen: Is that your version
  • 00:38:00.200 --> 00:38:01.200
  • of flirting?
  • 00:38:01.200 --> 00:38:02.210
  • - John: That is my version
  • 00:38:02.210 --> 00:38:03.130
  • of flirting.
  • 00:38:03.130 --> 00:38:04.260
  • You know, although,
  • 00:38:04.260 --> 00:38:05.290
  • sometimes it's--I have no idea
  • 00:38:05.290 --> 00:38:07.240
  • what it is really.
  • 00:38:07.240 --> 00:38:08.260
  • But I think
  • 00:38:08.260 --> 00:38:09.220
  • the whole flirt thing is,
  • 00:38:09.220 --> 00:38:11.260
  • "I'm available."
  • 00:38:11.260 --> 00:38:13.150
  • But every guy, really his--
  • 00:38:13.280 --> 00:38:16.280
  • he might not know it,
  • 00:38:16.280 --> 00:38:18.120
  • but his desire is
  • 00:38:18.120 --> 00:38:20.240
  • to actually win her heart.
  • 00:38:20.240 --> 00:38:23.210
  • Not to, you know,
  • 00:38:23.210 --> 00:38:24.190
  • not to have it given to him
  • 00:38:24.190 --> 00:38:25.290
  • on a silver platter,
  • 00:38:25.290 --> 00:38:27.010
  • but actually pay the price
  • 00:38:27.010 --> 00:38:28.200
  • to win her heart.
  • 00:38:28.200 --> 00:38:30.160
  • And the pursuit, and this is
  • 00:38:30.160 --> 00:38:32.270
  • what I like to help men with.
  • 00:38:32.270 --> 00:38:35.060
  • The pursuit is
  • 00:38:35.060 --> 00:38:36.130
  • to get to know her.
  • 00:38:36.130 --> 00:38:37.210
  • The pursuit is to discover
  • 00:38:37.210 --> 00:38:40.000
  • that treasure on the inside.
  • 00:38:40.000 --> 00:38:42.160
  • Every woman, I believe
  • 00:38:42.160 --> 00:38:44.130
  • every woman has this treasure
  • 00:38:44.130 --> 00:38:46.070
  • in their heart.
  • 00:38:46.070 --> 00:38:47.020
  • Their value is hugely
  • 00:38:47.020 --> 00:38:49.040
  • in their heart.
  • 00:38:49.040 --> 00:38:50.040
  • And yet, God has hardwired men
  • 00:38:50.040 --> 00:38:52.010
  • so that often, all we see is
  • 00:38:52.010 --> 00:38:53.220
  • the outside.
  • 00:38:53.220 --> 00:38:54.270
  • And you have to recognize
  • 00:38:54.270 --> 00:38:56.050
  • that that is partly because
  • 00:38:56.050 --> 00:38:57.250
  • of the way our brains work.
  • 00:38:57.250 --> 00:38:59.120
  • And if you wanna blame somebody,
  • 00:38:59.120 --> 00:39:00.220
  • you gotta blame God on that one.
  • 00:39:00.220 --> 00:39:02.030
  • But the thing is when we have
  • 00:39:02.030 --> 00:39:03.220
  • generational, cross-gender,
  • 00:39:03.220 --> 00:39:05.200
  • cross-generational, helping
  • 00:39:05.200 --> 00:39:07.160
  • each other, hopefully, young men
  • 00:39:08.110 --> 00:39:11.110
  • will hear that, "Really, you
  • 00:39:11.110 --> 00:39:12.260
  • need to keep your hands off."
  • 00:39:12.260 --> 00:39:14.240
  • Why?
  • 00:39:14.240 --> 00:39:15.090
  • Because as soon as you start
  • 00:39:15.090 --> 00:39:16.000
  • touching, your brain checks out.
  • 00:39:16.000 --> 00:39:18.000
  • And if you wanna get to know
  • 00:39:18.000 --> 00:39:19.080
  • who she really is--
  • 00:39:19.080 --> 00:39:20.000
  • which, I love this.
  • 00:39:20.000 --> 00:39:21.230
  • When a couple first meet,
  • 00:39:21.230 --> 00:39:24.020
  • they don't wanna mess up.
  • 00:39:24.020 --> 00:39:25.140
  • They really wanna do this right.
  • 00:39:25.140 --> 00:39:27.240
  • And so he really does
  • 00:39:27.240 --> 00:39:29.040
  • wanna get to know who she is.
  • 00:39:29.040 --> 00:39:31.000
  • But if he doesn't understand,
  • 00:39:31.000 --> 00:39:33.160
  • and he gets involved,
  • 00:39:33.160 --> 00:39:34.260
  • you know, physically,
  • 00:39:34.260 --> 00:39:36.050
  • his brain's gonna check out.
  • 00:39:36.050 --> 00:39:37.130
  • And you can't really discover
  • 00:39:37.130 --> 00:39:39.180
  • that treasure
  • 00:39:39.180 --> 00:39:40.200
  • unless you're actually thinking.
  • 00:39:40.200 --> 00:39:42.260
  • So what that pursuit is,
  • 00:39:43.040 --> 00:39:46.040
  • is the pursuit to get to know
  • 00:39:46.040 --> 00:39:48.050
  • who you really are.
  • 00:39:48.050 --> 00:39:49.120
  • And the amazing thing
  • 00:39:49.120 --> 00:39:51.110
  • about that, every woman
  • 00:39:51.110 --> 00:39:52.210
  • wants to be romanced.
  • 00:39:52.210 --> 00:39:54.250
  • That's romance.
  • 00:39:54.250 --> 00:39:55.120
  • - Helen: But not
  • 00:39:55.120 --> 00:39:55.270
  • just till we're married.
  • 00:39:55.270 --> 00:39:57.050
  • - John: Right,
  • 00:39:57.050 --> 00:39:57.200
  • not just till you get a ring
  • 00:39:57.200 --> 00:39:59.140
  • on her finger.
  • 00:39:59.140 --> 00:40:00.050
  • And for the rest of your life,
  • 00:40:00.050 --> 00:40:02.280
  • you wanna be romanced.
  • 00:40:02.280 --> 00:40:04.110
  • And what guys
  • 00:40:04.110 --> 00:40:04.270
  • need to know is that's
  • 00:40:04.270 --> 00:40:06.190
  • what you've been created to do.
  • 00:40:06.190 --> 00:40:08.190
  • You've been created
  • 00:40:08.190 --> 00:40:09.120
  • to actually go and win that,
  • 00:40:09.120 --> 00:40:11.260
  • but not just until the ring,
  • 00:40:11.260 --> 00:40:14.150
  • but for the rest of her life.
  • 00:40:14.150 --> 00:40:16.200
  • - Helen: And you mentioned
  • 00:40:16.200 --> 00:40:17.170
  • social media.
  • 00:40:17.170 --> 00:40:18.240
  • What does that look like
  • 00:40:18.240 --> 00:40:19.250
  • in the dating scene today?
  • 00:40:19.250 --> 00:40:21.020
  • Boy, it has changed.
  • 00:40:21.020 --> 00:40:22.070
  • They didn't have--we still had
  • 00:40:22.070 --> 00:40:23.250
  • telephones that you dialed
  • 00:40:23.250 --> 00:40:25.000
  • on the wall back when we
  • 00:40:25.000 --> 00:40:26.130
  • were dating.
  • 00:40:26.130 --> 00:40:27.090
  • He had to pick up a phone
  • 00:40:27.090 --> 00:40:28.100
  • and dial my number.
  • 00:40:28.100 --> 00:40:30.260
  • But it has changed.
  • 00:40:30.260 --> 00:40:32.030
  • And I don't know that I know
  • 00:40:32.030 --> 00:40:33.150
  • all of the rules regarding
  • 00:40:33.150 --> 00:40:35.250
  • technology and that.
  • 00:40:35.250 --> 00:40:37.070
  • But I do think that often,
  • 00:40:37.070 --> 00:40:39.090
  • we say things way too readily
  • 00:40:39.090 --> 00:40:42.040
  • out there on social media
  • 00:40:42.040 --> 00:40:43.190
  • that we wouldn't actually have
  • 00:40:43.190 --> 00:40:44.250
  • a conversation face to face
  • 00:40:44.250 --> 00:40:46.120
  • and say.
  • 00:40:46.120 --> 00:40:47.130
  • And so I think that I'm always
  • 00:40:47.130 --> 00:40:49.000
  • more comfortable, it's not like
  • 00:40:49.000 --> 00:40:50.170
  • we negate all of that,
  • 00:40:50.170 --> 00:40:52.190
  • but I think we have to stay
  • 00:40:52.190 --> 00:40:53.210
  • really true to who we are
  • 00:40:53.210 --> 00:40:54.280
  • in how we're communicating
  • 00:40:54.280 --> 00:40:56.080
  • with one another.
  • 00:40:56.080 --> 00:40:57.160
  • And so, just to flippant text
  • 00:40:57.160 --> 00:40:59.010
  • or a Facebook status
  • 00:41:00.100 --> 00:41:03.100
  • or something like that, yeah,
  • 00:41:03.100 --> 00:41:05.080
  • it gets a little bit muddied.
  • 00:41:05.080 --> 00:41:07.100
  • And I really believe,
  • 00:41:07.100 --> 00:41:08.210
  • be the best, authentic self
  • 00:41:08.210 --> 00:41:11.040
  • that you can be
  • 00:41:11.040 --> 00:41:12.020
  • in a relationship.
  • 00:41:12.020 --> 00:41:12.280
  • Because if you're trying
  • 00:41:12.280 --> 00:41:13.260
  • to get to know someone
  • 00:41:13.260 --> 00:41:15.120
  • and let them know who you are,
  • 00:41:15.120 --> 00:41:17.280
  • let it be as much as possible
  • 00:41:17.280 --> 00:41:19.200
  • face to face
  • 00:41:19.200 --> 00:41:20.240
  • or in a conversation.
  • 00:41:20.240 --> 00:41:22.190
  • That's my thought.
  • 00:41:22.190 --> 00:41:23.140
  • - Niyah: So good.
  • 00:41:23.140 --> 00:41:24.060
  • So good.
  • 00:41:24.060 --> 00:41:25.010
  • We got another question.
  • 00:41:25.010 --> 00:41:26.120
  • - female: Thanks.
  • 00:41:26.120 --> 00:41:26.270
  • Hey, John and Helen.
  • 00:41:26.270 --> 00:41:27.290
  • My question is about, like,
  • 00:41:27.290 --> 00:41:29.110
  • do you think that God really
  • 00:41:29.110 --> 00:41:31.170
  • only has one person for us.
  • 00:41:31.170 --> 00:41:33.060
  • So I'm almost 40.
  • 00:41:33.060 --> 00:41:35.090
  • A lot of my friends are my age.
  • 00:41:35.090 --> 00:41:37.020
  • We're all single,
  • 00:41:37.020 --> 00:41:37.230
  • never been married.
  • 00:41:37.230 --> 00:41:39.000
  • And you just hear a lot
  • 00:41:39.000 --> 00:41:40.260
  • in the church where people
  • 00:41:40.260 --> 00:41:41.220
  • are like, "God told me
  • 00:41:41.220 --> 00:41:43.050
  • so-and-so is my husband."
  • 00:41:43.050 --> 00:41:44.110
  • Or, "God told me
  • 00:41:44.110 --> 00:41:44.280
  • so-and-so's my husband."
  • 00:41:44.280 --> 00:41:45.230
  • Then they marry someone else
  • 00:41:45.230 --> 00:41:46.210
  • and everyone's devastated,
  • 00:41:46.210 --> 00:41:48.000
  • and they're confused,
  • 00:41:48.000 --> 00:41:48.250
  • and I've been confused myself.
  • 00:41:48.250 --> 00:41:50.210
  • So I'd love to hear
  • 00:41:50.210 --> 00:41:51.090
  • your thoughts on that.
  • 00:41:51.090 --> 00:41:52.280
  • - Niyah: Good question.
  • 00:41:52.280 --> 00:41:53.160
  • - John: It's a great question,
  • 00:41:53.160 --> 00:41:54.150
  • really great.
  • 00:41:54.150 --> 00:41:55.100
  • And I do not believe
  • 00:41:55.100 --> 00:41:57.030
  • that there's only one.
  • 00:41:57.030 --> 00:41:58.150
  • I really do believe that there's
  • 00:41:58.150 --> 00:42:00.160
  • just, probably a multitude
  • 00:42:00.160 --> 00:42:01.270
  • of people that could be.
  • 00:42:01.270 --> 00:42:03.200
  • And a lot of people think,
  • 00:42:03.200 --> 00:42:04.200
  • "There's only one.
  • 00:42:04.200 --> 00:42:05.100
  • If I could find the perfect one,
  • 00:42:05.100 --> 00:42:06.210
  • we'll have a perfect marriage."
  • 00:42:06.210 --> 00:42:08.080
  • There's no such thing.
  • 00:42:08.080 --> 00:42:08.290
  • Even if you found
  • 00:42:08.290 --> 00:42:09.230
  • the perfect one, you're in it
  • 00:42:09.230 --> 00:42:11.120
  • so it can't be.
  • 00:42:11.120 --> 00:42:13.090
  • And--
  • 00:42:13.090 --> 00:42:14.020
  • - Helen: Not her.
  • 00:42:14.020 --> 00:42:14.210
  • She's perfect.
  • 00:42:14.210 --> 00:42:15.240
  • - Niyah: You're doin' good,
  • 00:42:15.240 --> 00:42:16.110
  • sorry.
  • 00:42:16.110 --> 00:42:16.240
  • That's another
  • 00:42:16.240 --> 00:42:17.090
  • counseling session.
  • 00:42:17.090 --> 00:42:18.060
  • - John: You know what?
  • 00:42:18.060 --> 00:42:18.250
  • It's this journey of becoming
  • 00:42:19.200 --> 00:42:22.200
  • what you want to be.
  • 00:42:22.200 --> 00:42:24.090
  • And anyway, God--if God was
  • 00:42:24.090 --> 00:42:26.130
  • to tell you, "That's the one,"
  • 00:42:26.130 --> 00:42:27.240
  • like, if someone comes to you
  • 00:42:27.240 --> 00:42:28.200
  • and said, "God told me
  • 00:42:28.200 --> 00:42:29.140
  • I'm supposed to marry you," run.
  • 00:42:29.290 --> 00:42:32.290
  • Run, run.
  • 00:42:32.290 --> 00:42:34.150
  • Danger, danger, danger.
  • 00:42:34.150 --> 00:42:37.050
  • Weird, weird.
  • 00:42:37.050 --> 00:42:39.020
  • But really, if God did that,
  • 00:42:39.020 --> 00:42:41.250
  • I'll guarantee there wouldn't be
  • 00:42:41.250 --> 00:42:43.000
  • too long where down the road
  • 00:42:43.000 --> 00:42:44.150
  • you're blaming him.
  • 00:42:44.150 --> 00:42:46.010
  • "It's your fault.
  • 00:42:46.010 --> 00:42:47.000
  • You brought this one."
  • 00:42:47.000 --> 00:42:48.070
  • The fact is it's your choice.
  • 00:42:48.070 --> 00:42:50.020
  • And God's gonna give you wisdom.
  • 00:42:50.020 --> 00:42:51.240
  • He's gonna lead you
  • 00:42:51.240 --> 00:42:52.170
  • by his Holy Spirit.
  • 00:42:52.170 --> 00:42:53.190
  • He's gonna confirm to you
  • 00:42:53.190 --> 00:42:54.260
  • that, "That's a good move."
  • 00:42:54.260 --> 00:42:56.210
  • But it's always going to take
  • 00:42:56.210 --> 00:42:58.070
  • a risk.
  • 00:42:58.070 --> 00:42:59.250
  • Faith is a risk.
  • 00:42:59.250 --> 00:43:00.270
  • You're gonna have to step out
  • 00:43:00.270 --> 00:43:01.220
  • and trust God and believe God.
  • 00:43:01.220 --> 00:43:03.260
  • And really, what is so important
  • 00:43:03.260 --> 00:43:05.210
  • is the surroundings, the people,
  • 00:43:05.210 --> 00:43:07.150
  • the community around you.
  • 00:43:07.150 --> 00:43:09.080
  • You need to listen to people.
  • 00:43:09.080 --> 00:43:10.130
  • They can see things you
  • 00:43:10.130 --> 00:43:11.080
  • can't see.
  • 00:43:11.080 --> 00:43:12.100
  • Especially the people
  • 00:43:12.100 --> 00:43:13.070
  • that know you.
  • 00:43:13.070 --> 00:43:14.050
  • We always say, "The people
  • 00:43:14.050 --> 00:43:14.270
  • that have known you the longest
  • 00:43:14.270 --> 00:43:16.210
  • and loved you the most,
  • 00:43:16.210 --> 00:43:17.150
  • listen to them."
  • 00:43:17.150 --> 00:43:18.270
  • And they can help you.
  • 00:43:18.270 --> 00:43:20.180
  • But no, I don't think God
  • 00:43:20.180 --> 00:43:21.220
  • has one.
  • 00:43:21.220 --> 00:43:23.240
  • He's given you the choice.
  • 00:43:23.240 --> 00:43:26.020
  • And when it's all said and done,
  • 00:43:26.020 --> 00:43:27.260
  • it's the one you choose.
  • 00:43:27.260 --> 00:43:29.030
  • And once you say, "I do,"
  • 00:43:29.030 --> 00:43:30.280
  • that is the right one.
  • 00:43:30.280 --> 00:43:32.080
  • - Niyah: C'mon.
  • 00:43:32.080 --> 00:43:34.140
  • Wow, I mean, these are
  • 00:43:34.140 --> 00:43:35.100
  • so many good questions.
  • 00:43:35.100 --> 00:43:36.110
  • I absolutely love this.
  • 00:43:36.110 --> 00:43:37.250
  • Now, listen, after the break,
  • 00:43:37.250 --> 00:43:39.150
  • John and Helen outline
  • 00:43:39.150 --> 00:43:40.210
  • their messages on the topic
  • 00:43:40.210 --> 00:43:42.000
  • of addiction.
  • 00:43:42.000 --> 00:43:42.280
  • And we have a little surprise
  • 00:43:42.280 --> 00:43:44.080
  • up our sleeves,
  • 00:43:44.080 --> 00:43:45.010
  • or lack of sleeves, for them.
  • 00:43:45.010 --> 00:43:47.020
  • - Niyah: Welcome back
  • 00:43:58.210 --> 00:43:59.100
  • to the show.
  • 00:43:59.100 --> 00:44:00.020
  • Now, we've talked a lot
  • 00:44:00.020 --> 00:44:01.130
  • about love and relationships.
  • 00:44:01.130 --> 00:44:03.020
  • Well, now it's time to talk
  • 00:44:03.020 --> 00:44:04.110
  • about sex.
  • 00:44:04.110 --> 00:44:05.170
  • Before we do,
  • 00:44:05.170 --> 00:44:06.130
  • we couldn't resist asking
  • 00:44:06.130 --> 00:44:07.190
  • our studio audience members
  • 00:44:07.190 --> 00:44:08.280
  • if they would reveal
  • 00:44:08.280 --> 00:44:10.040
  • their own insights on sex, love,
  • 00:44:10.040 --> 00:44:12.000
  • and relationships
  • 00:44:12.000 --> 00:44:12.200
  • for John and Helen.
  • 00:44:12.200 --> 00:44:13.240
  • - male: What are
  • 00:44:16.010 --> 00:44:16.160
  • your first words in the morning?
  • 00:44:16.160 --> 00:44:18.150
  • - male: Why do you think
  • 00:44:20.270 --> 00:44:21.130
  • good people cheat?
  • 00:44:21.130 --> 00:44:23.050
  • - female: Maybe they're not
  • 00:44:23.050 --> 00:44:23.220
  • - male: What do you do if you
  • 00:44:26.070 --> 00:44:26.280
  • like someone?
  • 00:44:26.280 --> 00:44:28.260
  • - male: Do you think sexting's
  • 00:44:31.270 --> 00:44:32.190
  • okay?
  • 00:44:32.190 --> 00:44:33.140
  • - male: What's a symbol
  • 00:44:35.290 --> 00:44:36.210
  • of being in love?
  • 00:44:37.060 --> 00:44:40.060
  • - female: Being nice
  • 00:44:40.060 --> 00:44:41.230
  • - male: Do you think opposites
  • 00:44:43.250 --> 00:44:44.140
  • can attract?
  • 00:44:44.140 --> 00:44:45.220
  • - male: Should you text someone
  • 00:44:47.240 --> 00:44:48.150
  • right back?
  • 00:44:48.150 --> 00:44:49.200
  • - female: Yes.
  • 00:44:49.200 --> 00:44:51.000
  • - male: Do you think flirting
  • 00:44:51.000 --> 00:44:51.190
  • is cheating?
  • 00:44:51.190 --> 00:44:53.020
  • - male: If you could ask a man
  • 00:44:55.090 --> 00:44:56.050
  • one question, what would it be?
  • 00:44:57.090 --> 00:45:00.110
  • - male: Is being friends
  • 00:45:02.280 --> 00:45:03.170
  • with your ex okay?
  • 00:45:03.170 --> 00:45:05.040
  • - Niyah: Man, those are
  • 00:45:08.210 --> 00:45:09.060
  • some good questions.
  • 00:45:09.060 --> 00:45:10.120
  • I don't know about you.
  • 00:45:10.120 --> 00:45:11.230
  • One of the ones that stuck out
  • 00:45:11.230 --> 00:45:12.150
  • to me the most was
  • 00:45:12.150 --> 00:45:13.160
  • the sexting one.
  • 00:45:13.160 --> 00:45:14.180
  • I'm like, "Really?
  • 00:45:14.180 --> 00:45:15.140
  • Is anybody gonna ever just admit
  • 00:45:15.140 --> 00:45:17.030
  • on, you know, on camera
  • 00:45:17.030 --> 00:45:19.000
  • that sexting is okay?"
  • 00:45:19.000 --> 00:45:20.070
  • I don't think so.
  • 00:45:20.070 --> 00:45:21.000
  • - Helen: I hope not.
  • 00:45:21.000 --> 00:45:22.210
  • - John: Yeah, I think it's
  • 00:45:22.210 --> 00:45:23.090
  • so dumb because you
  • 00:45:23.090 --> 00:45:24.010
  • just don't know
  • 00:45:24.010 --> 00:45:24.160
  • where it's gonna go.
  • 00:45:24.160 --> 00:45:25.120
  • You have no idea.
  • 00:45:25.120 --> 00:45:27.100
  • And, you know, it might seem
  • 00:45:27.100 --> 00:45:29.040
  • really cute to you
  • 00:45:29.040 --> 00:45:30.020
  • at the moment, but--
  • 00:45:30.020 --> 00:45:30.260
  • - Helen: Are you talking
  • 00:45:30.260 --> 00:45:31.120
  • about now as a married couple?
  • 00:45:31.120 --> 00:45:32.260
  • - John: No, I'm talkin'
  • 00:45:32.260 --> 00:45:33.130
  • about across the board.
  • 00:45:33.130 --> 00:45:34.250
  • You just don't know
  • 00:45:34.250 --> 00:45:35.170
  • where it's gonna go
  • 00:45:35.170 --> 00:45:36.090
  • so just don't ever do that.
  • 00:45:36.090 --> 00:45:38.200
  • - Niyah: Well, you said,
  • 00:45:38.200 --> 00:45:39.060
  • "Married couple."
  • 00:45:39.060 --> 00:45:39.220
  • What about, you know,
  • 00:45:39.220 --> 00:45:41.020
  • if you're married?
  • 00:45:41.020 --> 00:45:41.190
  • I mean, there's nothing wrong
  • 00:45:41.190 --> 00:45:42.140
  • with me sending it
  • 00:45:42.140 --> 00:45:43.170
  • to my husband, right?
  • 00:45:43.170 --> 00:45:45.010
  • - Helen: No, I don't think
  • 00:45:45.010 --> 00:45:46.010
  • there is anything wrong.
  • 00:45:46.010 --> 00:45:47.080
  • But I'm not thinkin' it's
  • 00:45:47.080 --> 00:45:48.060
  • the smartest thing either,
  • 00:45:48.060 --> 00:45:49.180
  • only because of who
  • 00:45:49.180 --> 00:45:50.120
  • could get ahold of it.
  • 00:45:50.120 --> 00:45:51.160
  • I don't think it's
  • 00:45:51.160 --> 00:45:52.020
  • particularly wise.
  • 00:45:52.020 --> 00:45:54.070
  • - Niyah: That's some good
  • 00:45:54.070 --> 00:45:55.000
  • wisdom right there.
  • 00:45:55.000 --> 00:45:56.120
  • Well, this is the part
  • 00:45:56.120 --> 00:45:57.070
  • that you've been waiting for.
  • 00:45:57.070 --> 00:45:58.200
  • We're talking about sex.
  • 00:45:58.200 --> 00:46:00.040
  • Now, here's a question
  • 00:46:00.040 --> 00:46:00.290
  • that someone sent in to us:
  • 00:46:00.290 --> 00:46:02.250
  • "What do we do
  • 00:46:02.250 --> 00:46:04.010
  • if my spouse and I have
  • 00:46:04.010 --> 00:46:06.090
  • very different sex drives?"
  • 00:46:06.090 --> 00:46:09.050
  • - Helen: Yeah,
  • 00:46:09.050 --> 00:46:09.200
  • one of the most common questions
  • 00:46:09.200 --> 00:46:10.260
  • we ever get asked.
  • 00:46:10.260 --> 00:46:12.060
  • - John: Great question.
  • 00:46:12.060 --> 00:46:12.260
  • - Helen: And I think I would've
  • 00:46:12.260 --> 00:46:14.010
  • always assumed early, when we
  • 00:46:14.010 --> 00:46:15.210
  • were teaching around the areas
  • 00:46:15.210 --> 00:46:17.020
  • of marriage and sex and stuff,
  • 00:46:17.020 --> 00:46:18.280
  • it was always the guy that had
  • 00:46:18.280 --> 00:46:20.090
  • the stronger sex drive
  • 00:46:20.090 --> 00:46:21.120
  • and the wife
  • 00:46:21.120 --> 00:46:21.280
  • was always like, "Not again."
  • 00:46:21.280 --> 00:46:24.180
  • But I've realized life
  • 00:46:24.180 --> 00:46:26.170
  • has changed.
  • 00:46:26.170 --> 00:46:27.020
  • And I think it's
  • 00:46:27.020 --> 00:46:27.220
  • really about seasons.
  • 00:46:27.220 --> 00:46:29.070
  • And I think this is--I think
  • 00:46:29.070 --> 00:46:30.220
  • there's no way you're ever
  • 00:46:30.220 --> 00:46:31.280
  • going to find two people
  • 00:46:31.280 --> 00:46:33.170
  • that have identical sex drives.
  • 00:46:33.170 --> 00:46:35.240
  • So it's a constant give
  • 00:46:35.240 --> 00:46:37.240
  • and take, work it out,
  • 00:46:37.240 --> 00:46:39.140
  • talk about it.
  • 00:46:39.140 --> 00:46:40.100
  • - John: I've heard, you know,
  • 00:46:40.100 --> 00:46:42.020
  • psychologists that have done
  • 00:46:42.020 --> 00:46:43.140
  • the studies have said,
  • 00:46:43.140 --> 00:46:44.240
  • "For a male, the peak
  • 00:46:44.240 --> 00:46:46.160
  • of his sex drive is 16."
  • 00:46:46.170 --> 00:46:49.170
  • So teenagers, all of us guys
  • 00:46:49.170 --> 00:46:51.220
  • that went through it,
  • 00:46:51.220 --> 00:46:52.180
  • we can quite agree with that.
  • 00:46:52.180 --> 00:46:54.130
  • Yeah, you're a little bit crazy
  • 00:46:54.130 --> 00:46:56.010
  • at that age.
  • 00:46:56.010 --> 00:46:57.010
  • Where at 16, the female
  • 00:46:57.010 --> 00:46:58.180
  • typically not really
  • 00:46:58.180 --> 00:47:00.140
  • on the map yet.
  • 00:47:00.140 --> 00:47:02.140
  • But she kinda keeps rising,
  • 00:47:02.140 --> 00:47:04.030
  • and he kinda is, you know,
  • 00:47:04.030 --> 00:47:05.020
  • dipping.
  • 00:47:05.020 --> 00:47:05.180
  • And she peaks about 38 or 40.
  • 00:47:05.250 --> 00:47:08.250
  • And he's, you know?
  • 00:47:08.250 --> 00:47:10.170
  • So there is this seasons.
  • 00:47:10.170 --> 00:47:12.230
  • And, you know, the seasons are
  • 00:47:12.230 --> 00:47:14.080
  • different.
  • 00:47:14.080 --> 00:47:15.060
  • And it really doesn't matter
  • 00:47:15.060 --> 00:47:16.150
  • if you fit that part
  • 00:47:16.150 --> 00:47:18.240
  • of what I'm saying or not.
  • 00:47:18.240 --> 00:47:20.240
  • But the fact is
  • 00:47:20.240 --> 00:47:22.050
  • that if you're married, you
  • 00:47:22.050 --> 00:47:23.230
  • need to get on the same page.
  • 00:47:23.230 --> 00:47:25.240
  • So what you need is--and I think
  • 00:47:25.240 --> 00:47:28.160
  • because it is seasons
  • 00:47:28.160 --> 00:47:30.050
  • and it does keep changing, it--
  • 00:47:30.050 --> 00:47:31.150
  • - Helen: Well,
  • 00:47:31.150 --> 00:47:32.000
  • like right after a woman's had
  • 00:47:32.000 --> 00:47:33.010
  • a baby.
  • 00:47:33.010 --> 00:47:34.130
  • Like, she's not thinking,
  • 00:47:34.130 --> 00:47:35.190
  • "Oh my goodness, I can't wait
  • 00:47:35.190 --> 00:47:37.060
  • to have sex with my husband,"
  • 00:47:37.060 --> 00:47:38.180
  • right away.
  • 00:47:38.180 --> 00:47:39.070
  • She's just thinking--no,
  • 00:47:39.070 --> 00:47:41.200
  • she needs time to heal.
  • 00:47:41.200 --> 00:47:42.250
  • She's very focused on her baby.
  • 00:47:42.250 --> 00:47:45.000
  • And yet, for the male,
  • 00:47:45.000 --> 00:47:46.080
  • he's in this place of, "Hello?
  • 00:47:46.080 --> 00:47:47.290
  • I didn't have a baby."
  • 00:47:47.290 --> 00:47:49.010
  • And so we have to,
  • 00:47:49.010 --> 00:47:50.220
  • and that's an extreme example.
  • 00:47:50.220 --> 00:47:53.080
  • But I do think that in marriage,
  • 00:47:53.080 --> 00:47:54.230
  • there's always gotta be
  • 00:47:54.230 --> 00:47:55.290
  • a give and take.
  • 00:47:55.290 --> 00:47:56.170
  • And so you have to find
  • 00:47:56.170 --> 00:47:58.080
  • what's mutually satisfying
  • 00:47:58.080 --> 00:47:59.220
  • for both of you.
  • 00:47:59.220 --> 00:48:00.210
  • Sometimes there's illness
  • 00:48:00.210 --> 00:48:01.240
  • involved.
  • 00:48:01.240 --> 00:48:02.120
  • Sometimes there's fatigue
  • 00:48:02.120 --> 00:48:03.100
  • involved.
  • 00:48:03.100 --> 00:48:04.030
  • But if we're always finding we
  • 00:48:04.030 --> 00:48:05.110
  • never want to have sex,
  • 00:48:05.110 --> 00:48:06.210
  • we have to figure out
  • 00:48:06.210 --> 00:48:07.210
  • how to come together.
  • 00:48:07.210 --> 00:48:08.290
  • If we always feel unsatisfied
  • 00:48:08.290 --> 00:48:11.040
  • with what we're giving
  • 00:48:11.040 --> 00:48:12.190
  • and receiving, there has to be
  • 00:48:12.190 --> 00:48:14.040
  • a coming together
  • 00:48:14.040 --> 00:48:15.040
  • of understanding one another.
  • 00:48:15.040 --> 00:48:16.270
  • And in the same way we
  • 00:48:16.270 --> 00:48:17.220
  • communicate about finances,
  • 00:48:17.220 --> 00:48:19.100
  • or communicate about how we
  • 00:48:19.100 --> 00:48:21.030
  • raise our children, I think
  • 00:48:21.030 --> 00:48:22.200
  • it's important to communicate
  • 00:48:22.200 --> 00:48:23.270
  • about our sexual needs being met
  • 00:48:24.050 --> 00:48:27.050
  • and have the tough questions.
  • 00:48:27.050 --> 00:48:28.200
  • Because, as spouses, we need
  • 00:48:28.200 --> 00:48:30.130
  • to become the expert
  • 00:48:30.130 --> 00:48:31.110
  • on our spouse's sexuality.
  • 00:48:31.110 --> 00:48:33.010
  • - John: So answer the question:
  • 00:48:33.010 --> 00:48:33.290
  • in a healthy sexual marriage,
  • 00:48:34.070 --> 00:48:37.070
  • what's normal?
  • 00:48:37.070 --> 00:48:38.190
  • - Helen: Well, there is
  • 00:48:38.190 --> 00:48:39.120
  • no normal.
  • 00:48:39.120 --> 00:48:40.250
  • I always say, "Normal is
  • 00:48:40.250 --> 00:48:41.240
  • a setting on your dryer."
  • 00:48:41.240 --> 00:48:44.110
  • There is no normal.
  • 00:48:44.110 --> 00:48:45.240
  • Because as soon as we say,
  • 00:48:45.240 --> 00:48:47.040
  • "This is normal," that's why I
  • 00:48:47.040 --> 00:48:48.260
  • don't like even saying
  • 00:48:48.260 --> 00:48:49.220
  • what psychologists say,
  • 00:48:49.220 --> 00:48:50.280
  • they peak here, and they--
  • 00:48:50.280 --> 00:48:52.060
  • - John: It's just an example.
  • 00:48:52.060 --> 00:48:53.210
  • That you recognize throughout
  • 00:48:53.210 --> 00:48:55.170
  • your life things are changing.
  • 00:48:55.170 --> 00:48:57.010
  • So you need to, you know,
  • 00:48:57.010 --> 00:48:58.120
  • have that discussion,
  • 00:48:58.120 --> 00:48:59.120
  • "What satisfies you?"
  • 00:48:59.120 --> 00:49:01.060
  • But not just once.
  • 00:49:01.060 --> 00:49:02.010
  • It needs to be
  • 00:49:02.010 --> 00:49:03.020
  • a continual discussion.
  • 00:49:03.020 --> 00:49:04.140
  • - Niyah: Well, I once heard
  • 00:49:04.140 --> 00:49:05.100
  • someone say, "The reason why
  • 00:49:05.100 --> 00:49:07.100
  • my marriage is so great
  • 00:49:07.100 --> 00:49:08.240
  • is because I've never had
  • 00:49:08.240 --> 00:49:09.210
  • a headache."
  • 00:49:09.210 --> 00:49:10.180
  • This was a woman that said it.
  • 00:49:10.180 --> 00:49:11.270
  • Meaning, you know
  • 00:49:11.270 --> 00:49:12.230
  • what I'm saying,
  • 00:49:12.230 --> 00:49:13.080
  • she's always been able to--
  • 00:49:13.080 --> 00:49:15.110
  • - Helen: And fantastic.
  • 00:49:15.110 --> 00:49:16.160
  • If that's her reality,
  • 00:49:16.160 --> 00:49:18.280
  • good for her.
  • 00:49:18.280 --> 00:49:19.280
  • But that's where I think
  • 00:49:19.280 --> 00:49:21.130
  • sometimes there's this pressure
  • 00:49:21.130 --> 00:49:22.270
  • that, "Well, that's
  • 00:49:22.270 --> 00:49:23.200
  • what this person said,
  • 00:49:23.200 --> 00:49:24.180
  • so that looks exactly like that
  • 00:49:24.180 --> 00:49:26.050
  • for me."
  • 00:49:26.050 --> 00:49:26.240
  • Or if a male sex drive is here,
  • 00:49:26.240 --> 00:49:28.190
  • and a wife, his sex drive's
  • 00:49:28.190 --> 00:49:30.040
  • here, what it does is it
  • 00:49:30.040 --> 00:49:31.220
  • sets us up to fail,
  • 00:49:31.220 --> 00:49:33.190
  • rather than understanding
  • 00:49:33.190 --> 00:49:35.220
  • one another, working together.
  • 00:49:35.220 --> 00:49:37.070
  • I'm not gonna be having sex
  • 00:49:37.070 --> 00:49:38.050
  • with anybody else but my husband
  • 00:49:38.050 --> 00:49:39.210
  • so it's important that I know
  • 00:49:39.210 --> 00:49:41.100
  • what his needs are.
  • 00:49:41.100 --> 00:49:42.150
  • - Niyah: Wow, wow,
  • 00:49:42.150 --> 00:49:43.070
  • we can keep talkin' about this
  • 00:49:43.070 --> 00:49:44.030
  • on and on and on.
  • 00:49:44.030 --> 00:49:45.020
  • But Pastor John, talk to us
  • 00:49:45.020 --> 00:49:46.120
  • about today, the conversations
  • 00:49:46.120 --> 00:49:47.230
  • we had today.
  • 00:49:47.230 --> 00:49:48.170
  • Today was a pretty heavy day.
  • 00:49:48.170 --> 00:49:49.230
  • So how would you wrap up today?
  • 00:49:49.230 --> 00:49:51.270
  • - John: Thank you.
  • 00:49:51.270 --> 00:49:52.190
  • Well, today, it really was
  • 00:49:52.190 --> 00:49:53.280
  • heavy, as we were talkin' about
  • 00:49:53.280 --> 00:49:55.030
  • addictions, and particularly,
  • 00:49:55.030 --> 00:49:57.090
  • about sex addictions
  • 00:49:57.090 --> 00:49:58.250
  • and pornography, and how do we
  • 00:49:58.250 --> 00:50:01.100
  • get over those things?
  • 00:50:01.100 --> 00:50:03.010
  • And we, first of all, need
  • 00:50:03.010 --> 00:50:04.220
  • to understand how it starts.
  • 00:50:04.220 --> 00:50:06.230
  • Every addiction is fueled
  • 00:50:06.230 --> 00:50:08.250
  • by guilt and shame.
  • 00:50:08.250 --> 00:50:10.050
  • Guilt and shame keeps it moving.
  • 00:50:10.050 --> 00:50:12.150
  • And if we can take the guilt
  • 00:50:12.150 --> 00:50:14.030
  • and shame off, then it's
  • 00:50:14.030 --> 00:50:15.160
  • just a behavioral change.
  • 00:50:15.160 --> 00:50:17.210
  • But with guilt and shame,
  • 00:50:17.210 --> 00:50:19.140
  • it's not behavioral, it's
  • 00:50:19.140 --> 00:50:20.180
  • much deeper than behavioral.
  • 00:50:20.180 --> 00:50:22.170
  • It's we're feeling bad
  • 00:50:22.170 --> 00:50:23.210
  • about our self.
  • 00:50:23.210 --> 00:50:24.230
  • And when you think yourself bad,
  • 00:50:24.230 --> 00:50:27.080
  • you need to do bad.
  • 00:50:27.080 --> 00:50:28.210
  • So out of the overflow
  • 00:50:28.210 --> 00:50:30.230
  • of our heart comes
  • 00:50:30.230 --> 00:50:31.280
  • this behavioral addiction
  • 00:50:31.280 --> 00:50:34.130
  • that just gets worse.
  • 00:50:34.130 --> 00:50:35.150
  • 'Cause if you think yourself
  • 00:50:35.150 --> 00:50:36.090
  • bad, and then you do even bad,
  • 00:50:36.090 --> 00:50:38.120
  • you think yourself worse
  • 00:50:38.120 --> 00:50:39.220
  • and you do even worse.
  • 00:50:39.220 --> 00:50:41.050
  • And it just keeps flowing
  • 00:50:41.050 --> 00:50:42.100
  • and keeps going in our life.
  • 00:50:42.100 --> 00:50:43.240
  • So I think the biggest key,
  • 00:50:43.240 --> 00:50:45.180
  • really, the biggest key
  • 00:50:45.180 --> 00:50:47.050
  • is what we're doing.
  • 00:50:47.050 --> 00:50:48.090
  • Let's talk about it.
  • 00:50:48.090 --> 00:50:49.190
  • Let's take it out of the dark.
  • 00:50:49.190 --> 00:50:51.030
  • Let's take it out of the place
  • 00:50:51.030 --> 00:50:52.150
  • of hiding and shame and guilt,
  • 00:50:52.150 --> 00:50:54.140
  • and get to the place
  • 00:50:54.140 --> 00:50:55.080
  • where we recognize
  • 00:50:55.080 --> 00:50:56.180
  • you're not a bad person,
  • 00:50:56.180 --> 00:50:59.100
  • just a little uninformed,
  • 00:50:59.100 --> 00:51:01.180
  • a little ignorant,
  • 00:51:01.180 --> 00:51:02.180
  • and we can actually teach us,
  • 00:51:02.180 --> 00:51:04.130
  • how can we change
  • 00:51:04.130 --> 00:51:05.140
  • those behavioral habits
  • 00:51:05.140 --> 00:51:06.160
  • in our life until we can feel
  • 00:51:06.160 --> 00:51:08.170
  • good about our self.
  • 00:51:08.170 --> 00:51:09.230
  • And I think the first step
  • 00:51:09.230 --> 00:51:11.260
  • of doing good is the beginning
  • 00:51:11.280 --> 00:51:14.280
  • of a life change.
  • 00:51:14.280 --> 00:51:15.290
  • So if someone can make
  • 00:51:15.290 --> 00:51:17.070
  • that first step, we
  • 00:51:17.070 --> 00:51:18.020
  • can just keep on congratulating
  • 00:51:18.020 --> 00:51:19.250
  • them, and we can keep on
  • 00:51:19.250 --> 00:51:21.180
  • encouraging them, and it's
  • 00:51:21.180 --> 00:51:23.040
  • easier to make next step
  • 00:51:23.040 --> 00:51:24.240
  • after next step after next step
  • 00:51:24.240 --> 00:51:26.030
  • until you set yourself free.
  • 00:51:26.030 --> 00:51:29.020
  • - Niyah: Wow, man, you guys are
  • 00:51:29.020 --> 00:51:30.150
  • awesome.
  • 00:51:30.150 --> 00:51:31.160
  • Thank you so much, so much,
  • 00:51:31.160 --> 00:51:32.160
  • for all your godly wisdom
  • 00:51:32.160 --> 00:51:33.280
  • and advice.
  • 00:51:33.280 --> 00:51:34.250
  • Now, if you're concerned
  • 00:51:34.250 --> 00:51:36.090
  • about a friend or family member,
  • 00:51:36.090 --> 00:51:37.190
  • or even yourself, regarding
  • 00:51:37.190 --> 00:51:38.260
  • the topic of addiction,
  • 00:51:38.260 --> 00:51:40.040
  • we encourage you to reach out
  • 00:51:40.040 --> 00:51:41.270
  • and to talk to someone.
  • 00:51:41.270 --> 00:51:43.040
  • So until next time, be blessed,
  • 00:51:43.040 --> 00:51:45.180
  • CC by Aberdeen Captioning 1-800-688-6621 abercap.com
  • 00:51:55.040 --> 00:52:00.060