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Sex, Love & Relationships

Watch Sex, Love & Relationships
February 21, 2017
51:57

Guest Robyn Murphy | Single Parenting

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Sex, Love & Relationships

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  • - male announcer: The themes
  • 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.200
  • discussed in this episode do not
  • 00:00:01.200 --> 00:00:02.240
  • take into account your specific
  • 00:00:02.240 --> 00:00:04.070
  • situation or needs.
  • 00:00:04.070 --> 00:00:06.010
  • If you or a family member
  • 00:00:06.010 --> 00:00:07.100
  • requires assistance or support,
  • 00:00:07.100 --> 00:00:09.040
  • please seek help from
  • 00:00:09.040 --> 00:00:10.050
  • - Niyah Rahmaan: Welcome to
  • 00:00:19.120 --> 00:00:20.040
  • "Sex, Love & Relationships,"
  • 00:00:20.040 --> 00:00:21.160
  • the show that delivers all
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  • your questions about marriage,
  • 00:00:22.180 --> 00:00:24.140
  • teenagers, parenting, when does
  • 00:00:24.140 --> 00:00:26.270
  • flirting become cheating?
  • 00:00:26.270 --> 00:00:28.250
  • And oh, I almost forgot, sex.
  • 00:00:28.250 --> 00:00:31.180
  • My name is Niyah and I'm here,
  • 00:00:31.180 --> 00:00:33.070
  • of course, with a very special
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  • couple all the way
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  • from Vancouver, Canada,
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  • John and Helen are a wealth
  • 00:00:39.140 --> 00:00:40.150
  • of knowledge when it comes
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  • to relationships.
  • 00:00:41.200 --> 00:00:42.150
  • They've had their own radio
  • 00:00:42.150 --> 00:00:43.190
  • and television show for years.
  • 00:00:43.190 --> 00:00:45.140
  • They're authors of award-winning
  • 00:00:45.140 --> 00:00:46.260
  • and bestselling relationship
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  • books, and they have been
  • 00:00:48.060 --> 00:00:49.120
  • helping singles and couples
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  • navigate through life
  • 00:00:50.160 --> 00:00:51.200
  • for over 30 years.
  • 00:00:51.200 --> 00:00:53.220
  • Today we speak to a mother
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  • of three who, after losing her
  • 00:00:54.250 --> 00:00:56.070
  • husband suddenly, miraculously
  • 00:00:56.070 --> 00:00:58.010
  • found enduring strength
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  • to look after her children
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  • as a single parent.
  • 00:01:00.260 --> 00:01:02.140
  • - Robyn Murphy: I can't
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  • underscore how much you can
  • 00:01:03.130 --> 00:01:05.030
  • tell someone that you love them.
  • 00:01:05.030 --> 00:01:07.120
  • Just simply because those words,
  • 00:01:07.120 --> 00:01:09.100
  • "I love you,"
  • 00:01:09.100 --> 00:01:10.020
  • we take for granted so much.
  • 00:01:10.020 --> 00:01:12.100
  • - Niyah: Also coming up in this
  • 00:01:12.100 --> 00:01:13.070
  • show we have John and Helen
  • 00:01:13.070 --> 00:01:14.120
  • taking some real-life questions
  • 00:01:14.120 --> 00:01:15.240
  • from our studio audience.
  • 00:01:15.240 --> 00:01:17.200
  • - Helen Burns: Two most
  • 00:01:17.200 --> 00:01:18.150
  • stubborn people you've ever met.
  • 00:01:18.150 --> 00:01:19.100
  • I'm kidding.
  • 00:01:19.100 --> 00:01:20.040
  • We have argued our faces off.
  • 00:01:20.040 --> 00:01:22.230
  • - Niyah: And we head
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  • to social media to see
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  • what's trending online.
  • 00:01:24.190 --> 00:01:25.280
  • - John Burns: Though I don't
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  • think people realize how good
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  • a life you could have.
  • 00:01:28.140 --> 00:01:29.250
  • 'Cause the best life is a life
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  • of love 'cause God is love
  • 00:01:31.070 --> 00:01:33.200
  • and that's what he's given us.
  • 00:01:33.200 --> 00:01:35.240
  • - Niyah: All amazing topics
  • 00:01:35.240 --> 00:01:36.190
  • that we need godly wisdom on.
  • 00:01:36.190 --> 00:01:38.030
  • - Niyah: Statistics of the
  • 00:02:04.270 --> 00:02:05.280
  • topic today of single parenting
  • 00:02:05.280 --> 00:02:07.040
  • are very different from what
  • 00:02:07.040 --> 00:02:08.170
  • they were 40 years ago.
  • 00:02:08.170 --> 00:02:10.020
  • In fact, some cases
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  • of the percentage of children
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  • living with single mothers
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  • is at an all-time high.
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  • John and Helen, welcome.
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  • - John: Thank you.
  • 00:02:19.020 --> 00:02:19.250
  • What a great topic.
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  • I don't think we could hit
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  • a more important topic today
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  • than single parenting.
  • 00:02:24.170 --> 00:02:25.260
  • Parenting, to me, is the most
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  • difficult challenge
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  • on the planet.
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  • And to have to do it all
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  • by yourself, I mean,
  • 00:02:31.020 --> 00:02:32.260
  • you need some help.
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  • And I think that the church,
  • 00:02:33.280 --> 00:02:35.270
  • I think, you know, as pastors,
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  • we are so thankful we get to be
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  • part of the family,
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  • which is part of the answer.
  • 00:02:41.060 --> 00:02:43.180
  • - Niyah: Now, I know you
  • 00:02:43.180 --> 00:02:44.210
  • probably, you both are pastors
  • 00:02:44.210 --> 00:02:45.260
  • so you probably really kinda
  • 00:02:45.260 --> 00:02:47.100
  • helped some single parents
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  • through the journey.
  • 00:02:48.230 --> 00:02:49.230
  • What's that been like?
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  • - Helen: Oh, a privilege.
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  • - John: Yeah.
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  • - Helen: It's a real privilege.
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  • I just think they're the heroes
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  • that are often doing it tough.
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  • But they're not alone.
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  • When you're in community,
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  • you've really got not only God
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  • but amazing people
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  • that stand alongside you.
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  • They are my heroes.
  • 00:03:03.060 --> 00:03:03.280
  • - John: So it's a thrill that
  • 00:03:03.280 --> 00:03:04.210
  • we get to actually address and
  • 00:03:04.210 --> 00:03:06.000
  • talk about some of these issues.
  • 00:03:06.000 --> 00:03:07.260
  • And I'd like to get up
  • 00:03:07.260 --> 00:03:09.080
  • and take a bow for all
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  • the single parents out there
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  • because they are heroes.
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  • - Niyah: Both mothers
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  • and fathers.
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  • There's some fathers out there,
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  • right, who are single parents,
  • 00:03:17.120 --> 00:03:18.230
  • so they get a trophy.
  • 00:03:18.230 --> 00:03:20.190
  • Hats off to them.
  • 00:03:20.190 --> 00:03:22.150
  • Well, earlier this week Helen
  • 00:03:22.150 --> 00:03:23.180
  • caught up with a remarkable lady
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  • who's not only had
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  • her own battle with being
  • 00:03:26.280 --> 00:03:27.260
  • a single parent,
  • 00:03:27.260 --> 00:03:28.230
  • but now on the other
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  • - Helen: Hi, Robyn.
  • 00:03:33.240 --> 00:03:34.220
  • I am so absolutely delighted to
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  • have you on the program today.
  • 00:03:36.200 --> 00:03:38.170
  • And we're talking about
  • 00:03:38.170 --> 00:03:39.210
  • single parenting
  • 00:03:39.210 --> 00:03:40.280
  • and all that that encompasses.
  • 00:03:40.280 --> 00:03:43.060
  • And you found yourself
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  • a single parent.
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  • Why don't you tell us
  • 00:03:46.120 --> 00:03:47.080
  • a little bit about your story?
  • 00:03:47.080 --> 00:03:48.220
  • - Robyn: Okay.
  • 00:03:48.220 --> 00:03:49.130
  • Thank you, Helen.
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  • Thank you for having me.
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  • My husband passed away in '02.
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  • We were married for 14 years.
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  • We have three
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  • wonderful children.
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  • And it was a sudden thing,
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  • you know?
  • 00:04:00.290 --> 00:04:01.170
  • It wasn't like he had some type
  • 00:04:01.170 --> 00:04:03.110
  • of disease or disorder and you
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  • know, something to prepare me.
  • 00:04:05.180 --> 00:04:08.120
  • I was completely unprepared
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  • for it.
  • 00:04:09.220 --> 00:04:10.210
  • Woke up one morning
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  • and he had passed away.
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  • He was outside and passed away
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  • in the yard,
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  • and that's how that happened.
  • 00:04:17.050 --> 00:04:18.070
  • And things just kinda
  • 00:04:18.070 --> 00:04:20.120
  • went very quickly
  • 00:04:20.120 --> 00:04:21.280
  • in that micro-moment there.
  • 00:04:21.280 --> 00:04:23.110
  • - Helen: Wow.
  • 00:04:23.110 --> 00:04:24.000
  • And you had young children
  • 00:04:24.000 --> 00:04:25.170
  • at the time?
  • 00:04:25.170 --> 00:04:26.240
  • - Robyn: Yes, my children,
  • 00:04:26.240 --> 00:04:27.170
  • 8, 10, and 12.
  • 00:04:27.170 --> 00:04:30.070
  • - Helen: And so talk to me
  • 00:04:30.070 --> 00:04:31.180
  • a little bit about what that day
  • 00:04:31.180 --> 00:04:33.050
  • felt like, and just the reality
  • 00:04:33.050 --> 00:04:35.150
  • of your life right then.
  • 00:04:35.150 --> 00:04:37.040
  • - Robyn: Yeah, in that moment
  • 00:04:37.040 --> 00:04:38.100
  • it was just such a shock.
  • 00:04:38.100 --> 00:04:39.230
  • Again, like I said,
  • 00:04:39.230 --> 00:04:40.190
  • it wasn't like he was sick
  • 00:04:40.190 --> 00:04:41.230
  • and I had somethin'
  • 00:04:41.230 --> 00:04:43.060
  • to mentally prepare for.
  • 00:04:43.060 --> 00:04:44.120
  • I didn't.
  • 00:04:44.120 --> 00:04:45.110
  • I woke up and we went to go
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  • somewhere.
  • 00:04:48.170 --> 00:04:50.030
  • I was gonna take my kids
  • 00:04:50.030 --> 00:04:50.280
  • on just running some errands,
  • 00:04:50.280 --> 00:04:53.020
  • and we walk outside, and
  • 00:04:53.020 --> 00:04:54.060
  • my husband's there in the yard.
  • 00:04:54.060 --> 00:04:55.220
  • So it was a shocker.
  • 00:04:55.220 --> 00:04:57.040
  • And just from that I had to
  • 00:04:57.040 --> 00:04:59.180
  • really pull myself together
  • 00:04:59.180 --> 00:05:01.100
  • because I have three kids
  • 00:05:01.100 --> 00:05:02.130
  • to raise, you know?
  • 00:05:02.130 --> 00:05:03.220
  • And I'm just cryin' out to God,
  • 00:05:03.220 --> 00:05:06.110
  • "What do I do?
  • 00:05:06.110 --> 00:05:07.210
  • How do I do this?"
  • 00:05:07.210 --> 00:05:08.230
  • Because I was at a stay-at-home
  • 00:05:08.230 --> 00:05:09.240
  • mom, raising my kids,
  • 00:05:09.240 --> 00:05:11.150
  • home schooling my kids.
  • 00:05:11.150 --> 00:05:13.000
  • So I was thrust into a sudden
  • 00:05:13.000 --> 00:05:15.210
  • moment of single parentness.
  • 00:05:15.210 --> 00:05:18.080
  • - Helen: Yeah.
  • 00:05:18.080 --> 00:05:19.000
  • So you were obviously
  • 00:05:19.000 --> 00:05:20.030
  • a believer.
  • 00:05:20.030 --> 00:05:21.030
  • - Robyn: Yes.
  • 00:05:21.030 --> 00:05:21.180
  • - Helen: And you called out
  • 00:05:21.180 --> 00:05:22.150
  • to God.
  • 00:05:22.150 --> 00:05:23.120
  • And in that moment,
  • 00:05:23.120 --> 00:05:24.280
  • what did that feel like?
  • 00:05:24.280 --> 00:05:26.220
  • - Robyn: It was one of those
  • 00:05:26.220 --> 00:05:28.010
  • things, the reality of your
  • 00:05:28.010 --> 00:05:29.130
  • relationship shows up, you know?
  • 00:05:29.150 --> 00:05:32.150
  • In that moment, my son told me,
  • 00:05:32.150 --> 00:05:34.120
  • "Mom," 'cause he saw me goin'
  • 00:05:34.120 --> 00:05:35.210
  • into this state of shock,
  • 00:05:35.210 --> 00:05:37.030
  • of panic, you know?
  • 00:05:37.030 --> 00:05:39.060
  • And that's not good for kids
  • 00:05:39.060 --> 00:05:40.040
  • to see you go,
  • 00:05:40.040 --> 00:05:40.270
  • a parent go into panic.
  • 00:05:40.270 --> 00:05:42.200
  • And he just said,
  • 00:05:42.200 --> 00:05:43.250
  • "Mom, do what you know.
  • 00:05:43.250 --> 00:05:44.220
  • Speak the Word."
  • 00:05:44.220 --> 00:05:45.170
  • And he starts quoting
  • 00:05:45.170 --> 00:05:46.120
  • the Scriptures to me.
  • 00:05:46.120 --> 00:05:47.210
  • And the Word, the life
  • 00:05:47.210 --> 00:05:48.230
  • of the Word, started ministering
  • 00:05:48.230 --> 00:05:50.090
  • to my heart and the sobriety
  • 00:05:50.090 --> 00:05:52.020
  • of my mind, you know?
  • 00:05:52.020 --> 00:05:54.150
  • So it was really truly the life
  • 00:05:55.080 --> 00:05:58.080
  • of the Word and my relationship
  • 00:05:58.080 --> 00:05:59.230
  • with God in that moment
  • 00:05:59.230 --> 00:06:02.080
  • that surfaced.
  • 00:06:02.080 --> 00:06:03.240
  • - Helen: So single parenting,
  • 00:06:03.240 --> 00:06:05.070
  • something you never planned on,
  • 00:06:05.070 --> 00:06:06.280
  • and yet found yourself doing.
  • 00:06:06.280 --> 00:06:09.130
  • So I know that you would have
  • 00:06:09.130 --> 00:06:10.280
  • so much advice for us
  • 00:06:10.280 --> 00:06:13.000
  • and so much insight.
  • 00:06:13.000 --> 00:06:15.000
  • What are just a couple of the
  • 00:06:15.000 --> 00:06:16.120
  • thoughts that have carried you
  • 00:06:16.120 --> 00:06:18.260
  • through these years as a mom,
  • 00:06:18.260 --> 00:06:21.120
  • as you're raising
  • 00:06:21.120 --> 00:06:22.100
  • these children now?
  • 00:06:22.100 --> 00:06:25.040
  • - Robyn: One of the things
  • 00:06:25.040 --> 00:06:26.080
  • I like to share with people is
  • 00:06:26.080 --> 00:06:28.010
  • it's basically,
  • 00:06:28.010 --> 00:06:30.040
  • you're co-parenting with God.
  • 00:06:30.040 --> 00:06:31.250
  • And I know that kinda sounds--
  • 00:06:31.250 --> 00:06:33.230
  • - Helen: No,
  • 00:06:33.230 --> 00:06:34.080
  • that sounds amazing.
  • 00:06:34.080 --> 00:06:35.020
  • - Robyn: Yeah, but it truly is
  • 00:06:35.020 --> 00:06:35.240
  • because there was a situation
  • 00:06:35.240 --> 00:06:38.040
  • with my daughter.
  • 00:06:38.040 --> 00:06:39.010
  • I was like, "God, I don't, you
  • 00:06:39.010 --> 00:06:40.190
  • know, I home school my kids.
  • 00:06:40.190 --> 00:06:42.020
  • She wants to go
  • 00:06:42.020 --> 00:06:42.180
  • to a football game.
  • 00:06:42.180 --> 00:06:43.250
  • Does she go to the football game
  • 00:06:43.250 --> 00:06:44.260
  • or does she go to the mall?"
  • 00:06:44.260 --> 00:06:45.280
  • These seem like small things,
  • 00:06:45.280 --> 00:06:47.240
  • but for me as a single parent,
  • 00:06:47.240 --> 00:06:49.180
  • it was a big thing, you know?
  • 00:06:49.180 --> 00:06:51.210
  • And so I just asked
  • 00:06:51.210 --> 00:06:52.160
  • for the wisdom of God.
  • 00:06:52.160 --> 00:06:54.000
  • I'm like,
  • 00:06:54.000 --> 00:06:54.150
  • "Lord, I have to have
  • 00:06:54.150 --> 00:06:55.000
  • your wisdom.
  • 00:06:55.000 --> 00:06:56.060
  • I can't just know
  • 00:06:56.060 --> 00:06:56.260
  • the right correct thing to do.
  • 00:06:56.260 --> 00:06:58.270
  • I need your wisdom."
  • 00:06:58.270 --> 00:07:00.160
  • And it was all based
  • 00:07:00.160 --> 00:07:01.090
  • on relationship, you know?
  • 00:07:01.090 --> 00:07:03.110
  • - Helen: With,
  • 00:07:03.110 --> 00:07:03.280
  • relationship with God?
  • 00:07:03.280 --> 00:07:04.280
  • - Robyn: Relationship
  • 00:07:04.280 --> 00:07:05.130
  • with the Lord, yes.
  • 00:07:05.130 --> 00:07:06.040
  • - Helen: And what about
  • 00:07:06.040 --> 00:07:07.030
  • your extended family
  • 00:07:07.030 --> 00:07:08.170
  • or church family?
  • 00:07:08.170 --> 00:07:09.220
  • Were you very connected
  • 00:07:09.220 --> 00:07:11.000
  • in that way as well?
  • 00:07:11.000 --> 00:07:11.280
  • - Robyn: Definitely.
  • 00:07:11.280 --> 00:07:12.180
  • My kids grew up in church.
  • 00:07:12.180 --> 00:07:14.040
  • They truly have not known life
  • 00:07:14.040 --> 00:07:16.160
  • apart from church.
  • 00:07:16.160 --> 00:07:18.030
  • So our church family rallied
  • 00:07:18.030 --> 00:07:19.270
  • around us.
  • 00:07:19.270 --> 00:07:20.270
  • Our natural family was there
  • 00:07:20.270 --> 00:07:22.200
  • for us.
  • 00:07:22.200 --> 00:07:23.060
  • Our church family rallied
  • 00:07:23.060 --> 00:07:24.050
  • around us.
  • 00:07:24.050 --> 00:07:25.060
  • And the prayers of the saints,
  • 00:07:25.060 --> 00:07:26.230
  • I am telling you, the prayers
  • 00:07:26.230 --> 00:07:28.070
  • of the saints literally engulfed
  • 00:07:28.070 --> 00:07:30.000
  • us, you know, and carried us
  • 00:07:30.000 --> 00:07:32.010
  • through that place where it was
  • 00:07:32.010 --> 00:07:33.230
  • so shocking and difficult
  • 00:07:33.230 --> 00:07:35.000
  • to walk through.
  • 00:07:35.000 --> 00:07:36.260
  • The church and the prayers
  • 00:07:36.260 --> 00:07:38.010
  • of the saints
  • 00:07:38.010 --> 00:07:38.190
  • carried us through that.
  • 00:07:38.190 --> 00:07:39.190
  • - Helen: Can I ask you
  • 00:07:39.190 --> 00:07:40.060
  • a really personal question?
  • 00:07:40.060 --> 00:07:41.080
  • - Robyn: Yes.
  • 00:07:41.080 --> 00:07:42.050
  • - Helen: How is your heart
  • 00:07:42.050 --> 00:07:42.220
  • today?
  • 00:07:42.220 --> 00:07:43.280
  • - Robyn: Oh my gosh.
  • 00:07:43.280 --> 00:07:44.270
  • My heart, God is so good.
  • 00:07:44.270 --> 00:07:46.130
  • I mean, he's mended my heart.
  • 00:07:46.130 --> 00:07:47.260
  • I walked through so many moments
  • 00:07:47.260 --> 00:07:49.080
  • of, "Will this ever be over?"
  • 00:07:49.180 --> 00:07:52.180
  • It always seemed like yesterday,
  • 00:07:52.180 --> 00:07:55.030
  • months later, years later,
  • 00:07:55.030 --> 00:07:56.210
  • it seemed like yesterday.
  • 00:07:56.210 --> 00:07:58.180
  • And the goodness of God,
  • 00:07:58.180 --> 00:08:00.020
  • in 1 single day, just completely
  • 00:08:00.040 --> 00:08:03.040
  • healed my heart.
  • 00:08:03.040 --> 00:08:04.010
  • And I was like, "Oh my gosh,
  • 00:08:04.010 --> 00:08:05.250
  • I think that was--
  • 00:08:05.250 --> 00:08:08.040
  • how long ago was it?"
  • 00:08:08.040 --> 00:08:09.150
  • And he just completely restored
  • 00:08:09.150 --> 00:08:10.230
  • and healed my heart.
  • 00:08:10.230 --> 00:08:12.050
  • - Helen: Yeah,
  • 00:08:12.050 --> 00:08:12.270
  • and is God using you?
  • 00:08:12.270 --> 00:08:14.210
  • As a woman of God and as
  • 00:08:14.210 --> 00:08:17.120
  • a single mom, has God used you
  • 00:08:17.120 --> 00:08:19.070
  • to help others that have walked
  • 00:08:19.070 --> 00:08:20.140
  • through this?
  • 00:08:20.140 --> 00:08:21.170
  • - Robyn: Yes, he has.
  • 00:08:21.170 --> 00:08:22.170
  • I mean, just in just partly
  • 00:08:22.170 --> 00:08:24.150
  • sharing my testimony, but just
  • 00:08:24.150 --> 00:08:26.160
  • seeing other women just even
  • 00:08:26.160 --> 00:08:28.230
  • in a place of brokenness,
  • 00:08:28.230 --> 00:08:31.080
  • of where it's a difficult thing
  • 00:08:31.250 --> 00:08:34.250
  • to think about.
  • 00:08:34.250 --> 00:08:35.220
  • "Do I remarry?
  • 00:08:35.220 --> 00:08:36.240
  • Do I stay a single parent?"
  • 00:08:36.240 --> 00:08:39.040
  • You know, "How do I handle my
  • 00:08:39.040 --> 00:08:40.100
  • children as far as the choices
  • 00:08:40.100 --> 00:08:42.010
  • and decisions
  • 00:08:42.010 --> 00:08:43.030
  • that I have to make?"
  • 00:08:43.030 --> 00:08:44.080
  • And to me, it's an honor and a
  • 00:08:44.080 --> 00:08:46.230
  • privilege to use just a segment
  • 00:08:46.230 --> 00:08:48.170
  • of my life that will bless
  • 00:08:48.170 --> 00:08:50.050
  • someone else, you know?
  • 00:08:50.050 --> 00:08:51.210
  • - Helen: The beauty of that
  • 00:08:51.210 --> 00:08:52.150
  • is that God really doesn't waste
  • 00:08:52.150 --> 00:08:55.020
  • a tear, waste a heartache,
  • 00:08:55.020 --> 00:08:57.270
  • waste our brokenness, that if we
  • 00:08:57.270 --> 00:09:00.020
  • surrender it to him, he takes it
  • 00:09:00.020 --> 00:09:02.080
  • all and he heals our heart,
  • 00:09:02.080 --> 00:09:04.150
  • but then he uses our heart
  • 00:09:04.150 --> 00:09:06.110
  • to heal another.
  • 00:09:06.110 --> 00:09:07.160
  • And I can see that that is so
  • 00:09:07.160 --> 00:09:09.150
  • absolutely true in your life,
  • 00:09:09.150 --> 00:09:11.130
  • and it has been just the
  • 00:09:11.130 --> 00:09:12.190
  • greatest privilege to get
  • 00:09:12.190 --> 00:09:14.110
  • to meet you.
  • 00:09:14.110 --> 00:09:15.100
  • So, thank you for sharing today.
  • 00:09:15.100 --> 00:09:16.230
  • - Robyn: Thank you so much.
  • 00:09:16.230 --> 00:09:17.100
  • - Niyah: What an outstanding
  • 00:09:19.090 --> 00:09:20.020
  • display of healing
  • 00:09:20.020 --> 00:09:20.280
  • and understanding from such
  • 00:09:20.280 --> 00:09:22.120
  • an ordeal.
  • 00:09:22.120 --> 00:09:23.130
  • After the break, we welcome our
  • 00:09:23.130 --> 00:09:24.150
  • guest to the studio to continue
  • 00:09:24.150 --> 00:09:26.020
  • this discussion.
  • 00:09:26.020 --> 00:09:27.110
  • - Niyah: Welcome back to
  • 00:09:38.160 --> 00:09:39.050
  • "Sex, Love & Relationships."
  • 00:09:39.050 --> 00:09:40.070
  • We've just seen Helen discuss
  • 00:09:40.070 --> 00:09:41.190
  • the topic of single parenting
  • 00:09:41.190 --> 00:09:43.110
  • with a beautiful woman
  • 00:09:43.110 --> 00:09:44.130
  • who has her own testimony.
  • 00:09:44.130 --> 00:09:46.110
  • And she joins us now
  • 00:09:46.110 --> 00:09:47.140
  • in the studio.
  • 00:09:47.140 --> 00:09:48.130
  • We're so privileged to speak
  • 00:09:48.130 --> 00:09:49.170
  • with Robyn.
  • 00:09:49.170 --> 00:09:50.160
  • Robyn, welcome.
  • 00:09:50.160 --> 00:09:51.180
  • - Robyn: Well, thank you.
  • 00:09:51.180 --> 00:09:52.090
  • Thank you again for havin' me.
  • 00:09:52.090 --> 00:09:53.150
  • - Niyah: It's so good
  • 00:09:53.150 --> 00:09:54.090
  • to have you.
  • 00:09:54.090 --> 00:09:54.290
  • Now, you just shared with Helen
  • 00:09:54.290 --> 00:09:56.000
  • your story.
  • 00:09:56.000 --> 00:09:57.040
  • And you lost your husband about
  • 00:09:57.040 --> 00:09:58.210
  • 10-plus years ago unexpectedly.
  • 00:09:58.240 --> 00:10:01.240
  • You had three young ones
  • 00:10:01.240 --> 00:10:03.000
  • at the time,
  • 00:10:03.000 --> 00:10:03.280
  • I believe 8, 10, ad 12, right?
  • 00:10:03.280 --> 00:10:05.280
  • - Robyn: Right, uh-huh.
  • 00:10:05.280 --> 00:10:06.250
  • - Niyah: Now, how are they now?
  • 00:10:06.250 --> 00:10:08.020
  • It's been 10-plus years.
  • 00:10:08.020 --> 00:10:09.200
  • How are they doing?
  • 00:10:09.200 --> 00:10:10.240
  • - Robyn: They're doin' great.
  • 00:10:10.240 --> 00:10:11.220
  • God has had them in their path,
  • 00:10:11.220 --> 00:10:14.160
  • on their path for what he has
  • 00:10:14.160 --> 00:10:16.040
  • created for them to do.
  • 00:10:16.040 --> 00:10:17.160
  • They're all walkin'
  • 00:10:17.160 --> 00:10:18.090
  • in their calling.
  • 00:10:18.090 --> 00:10:19.000
  • They're all walking
  • 00:10:19.000 --> 00:10:19.210
  • in their gifting.
  • 00:10:19.210 --> 00:10:20.130
  • And it's just,
  • 00:10:20.130 --> 00:10:21.100
  • I'm just thankful.
  • 00:10:21.100 --> 00:10:22.090
  • I'm so thankful.
  • 00:10:22.090 --> 00:10:24.020
  • - John: Wow,
  • 00:10:24.020 --> 00:10:24.170
  • that's so important.
  • 00:10:24.170 --> 00:10:25.130
  • I would think that your kids
  • 00:10:25.130 --> 00:10:27.200
  • would have challenged with,
  • 00:10:27.200 --> 00:10:29.190
  • "Why me, God?
  • 00:10:29.190 --> 00:10:30.290
  • Why did this happen?"
  • 00:10:30.290 --> 00:10:32.270
  • You know,
  • 00:10:32.270 --> 00:10:33.150
  • "How could you let this---?"
  • 00:10:33.150 --> 00:10:34.210
  • You know,
  • 00:10:34.210 --> 00:10:35.060
  • those kind of questions.
  • 00:10:35.060 --> 00:10:36.070
  • - Robyn: Right, right.
  • 00:10:36.070 --> 00:10:36.280
  • - John: How'd you deal
  • 00:10:36.280 --> 00:10:37.160
  • with that?
  • 00:10:37.160 --> 00:10:38.020
  • - Robyn: One of the things God
  • 00:10:38.020 --> 00:10:39.000
  • really surrounded us, and it's
  • 00:10:39.000 --> 00:10:40.110
  • like what Helen was
  • 00:10:40.110 --> 00:10:41.070
  • talking about earlier, is the
  • 00:10:41.070 --> 00:10:43.010
  • friendships, the relationships.
  • 00:10:43.010 --> 00:10:45.020
  • And God did surround with church
  • 00:10:45.020 --> 00:10:47.050
  • family that just stepped
  • 00:10:47.050 --> 00:10:48.140
  • in there and just filled
  • 00:10:48.140 --> 00:10:50.080
  • the gaps in a lot of places.
  • 00:10:50.080 --> 00:10:52.170
  • But for the most part, for me,
  • 00:10:52.170 --> 00:10:55.000
  • what I've found for them,
  • 00:10:55.000 --> 00:10:56.280
  • and for anybody goin' through
  • 00:10:56.280 --> 00:10:58.090
  • any tragic situation, or just
  • 00:10:58.090 --> 00:10:59.240
  • in life, their regular walk in
  • 00:10:59.240 --> 00:11:01.130
  • life, is they have to have their
  • 00:11:01.130 --> 00:11:03.050
  • own relationship with the Lord.
  • 00:11:03.050 --> 00:11:05.000
  • And that was one of the things
  • 00:11:05.000 --> 00:11:06.020
  • that I, just as a mom, I prayed,
  • 00:11:06.020 --> 00:11:07.290
  • and even before my husband
  • 00:11:07.290 --> 00:11:09.110
  • passed away, "Lord, you have
  • 00:11:09.110 --> 00:11:11.130
  • to make yourself real to them.
  • 00:11:11.130 --> 00:11:13.140
  • I can't do that.
  • 00:11:13.140 --> 00:11:14.140
  • I can teach them,
  • 00:11:14.140 --> 00:11:15.200
  • but I can't make them real,
  • 00:11:15.200 --> 00:11:17.180
  • I can't make you real to them."
  • 00:11:17.180 --> 00:11:19.030
  • And that's been there for them.
  • 00:11:19.030 --> 00:11:20.230
  • - John: Did you ever deal
  • 00:11:20.230 --> 00:11:21.190
  • with those questions?
  • 00:11:21.190 --> 00:11:22.220
  • "Why me, God?"
  • 00:11:22.220 --> 00:11:24.140
  • - Robyn: Not so much as,
  • 00:11:24.140 --> 00:11:25.130
  • "Why me?"
  • 00:11:25.130 --> 00:11:26.200
  • But as, "How do I deal with what
  • 00:11:26.200 --> 00:11:29.100
  • I have, what's in my hands,
  • 00:11:29.100 --> 00:11:32.010
  • you know?"
  • 00:11:32.010 --> 00:11:32.230
  • And I didn't look at it as,
  • 00:11:32.230 --> 00:11:34.110
  • "Why me?"
  • 00:11:34.110 --> 00:11:35.220
  • - John: Wow.
  • 00:11:35.220 --> 00:11:36.100
  • Having kids was a huge
  • 00:11:36.100 --> 00:11:38.000
  • motivation for you.
  • 00:11:38.000 --> 00:11:39.070
  • So what about people that go
  • 00:11:39.070 --> 00:11:40.070
  • through challenges, like, you
  • 00:11:40.070 --> 00:11:41.150
  • know, what you went through,
  • 00:11:41.150 --> 00:11:43.070
  • without that motivation?
  • 00:11:43.070 --> 00:11:44.280
  • I mean--?
  • 00:11:44.280 --> 00:11:45.260
  • - Robyn: That's a tough thing
  • 00:11:45.260 --> 00:11:46.280
  • because I cannot imagine myself
  • 00:11:46.280 --> 00:11:49.030
  • walking through a situation
  • 00:11:49.030 --> 00:11:50.140
  • like that apart from the Lord,
  • 00:11:50.140 --> 00:11:52.180
  • apart from God.
  • 00:11:52.180 --> 00:11:53.150
  • Because when I talk with
  • 00:11:53.150 --> 00:11:55.140
  • someone, or share with someone,
  • 00:11:55.140 --> 00:11:56.260
  • even in tragic situations,
  • 00:11:56.260 --> 00:11:58.170
  • I'm like, "Apart from God,
  • 00:11:58.280 --> 00:12:02.000
  • you know, we can't.
  • 00:12:02.000 --> 00:12:04.020
  • We can't."
  • 00:12:04.020 --> 00:12:05.050
  • And we weren't designed
  • 00:12:05.050 --> 00:12:05.290
  • to either.
  • 00:12:05.290 --> 00:12:07.040
  • We weren't created to
  • 00:12:07.040 --> 00:12:07.280
  • nor designed to.
  • 00:12:07.280 --> 00:12:09.130
  • So sometimes situations cause us
  • 00:12:09.130 --> 00:12:12.050
  • to think about that
  • 00:12:12.050 --> 00:12:13.240
  • and look at that.
  • 00:12:13.240 --> 00:12:15.010
  • - Helen: So I know a lot of
  • 00:12:15.010 --> 00:12:15.230
  • people, when they go into
  • 00:12:15.230 --> 00:12:16.190
  • a really difficult place like
  • 00:12:16.190 --> 00:12:18.010
  • this, and you had talked about
  • 00:12:18.010 --> 00:12:19.100
  • just being in shock, like,
  • 00:12:19.100 --> 00:12:21.020
  • I mean, just the reality.
  • 00:12:21.020 --> 00:12:23.010
  • 'Cause our brain, its ability to
  • 00:12:23.010 --> 00:12:24.210
  • cope with something as shocking
  • 00:12:24.210 --> 00:12:26.000
  • as finding your husband dead,
  • 00:12:26.000 --> 00:12:28.250
  • and your children around you,
  • 00:12:28.250 --> 00:12:30.250
  • and just this surreal moment.
  • 00:12:31.100 --> 00:12:34.100
  • Have you ever felt like in those
  • 00:12:34.100 --> 00:12:35.180
  • times that you had to kinda just
  • 00:12:35.180 --> 00:12:37.060
  • reel it back and not talk about
  • 00:12:37.060 --> 00:12:39.020
  • your emotions, or kinda hide
  • 00:12:39.020 --> 00:12:40.290
  • and deal with it on your own?
  • 00:12:40.290 --> 00:12:42.160
  • Or were you pretty open
  • 00:12:42.160 --> 00:12:43.180
  • with people in your world?
  • 00:12:43.180 --> 00:12:45.180
  • - Robyn: I was open with people
  • 00:12:45.180 --> 00:12:46.220
  • in my world because, again, my
  • 00:12:46.220 --> 00:12:47.240
  • world was really surrounded by
  • 00:12:47.240 --> 00:12:49.120
  • my church family, and my natural
  • 00:12:49.120 --> 00:12:51.260
  • family and my church family.
  • 00:12:51.260 --> 00:12:54.080
  • But for me,
  • 00:12:54.080 --> 00:12:54.290
  • I wanted to check on the kids.
  • 00:12:54.290 --> 00:12:56.110
  • I was constantly goin', "Okay,
  • 00:12:56.110 --> 00:12:58.200
  • so how's everybody today?"
  • 00:12:58.200 --> 00:13:00.290
  • You know, "Did anybody have
  • 00:13:00.290 --> 00:13:02.030
  • a flip-out moment?"
  • 00:13:02.030 --> 00:13:03.120
  • And I wanted them to be okay
  • 00:13:03.120 --> 00:13:05.150
  • to have a flip-out moment,
  • 00:13:05.150 --> 00:13:06.240
  • you know?
  • 00:13:06.240 --> 00:13:07.170
  • Like, "Mom had hers.
  • 00:13:07.170 --> 00:13:09.020
  • Did you have one?"
  • 00:13:09.020 --> 00:13:10.020
  • You know?
  • 00:13:10.020 --> 00:13:11.030
  • And they all, because they're
  • 00:13:11.080 --> 00:13:14.080
  • all individually different.
  • 00:13:14.080 --> 00:13:16.020
  • You know, if you have more than
  • 00:13:16.020 --> 00:13:17.030
  • one kid, you know the second
  • 00:13:17.030 --> 00:13:18.090
  • is different, the third one
  • 00:13:18.090 --> 00:13:19.070
  • is different.
  • 00:13:19.070 --> 00:13:20.050
  • And they all processed it
  • 00:13:20.050 --> 00:13:21.100
  • very differently.
  • 00:13:21.100 --> 00:13:23.050
  • But yeah, I gave them that open
  • 00:13:23.050 --> 00:13:24.110
  • door to speak and say, oh,
  • 00:13:24.110 --> 00:13:26.220
  • how their heart was feeling
  • 00:13:26.220 --> 00:13:28.000
  • in the moment.
  • 00:13:28.000 --> 00:13:28.260
  • - Niyah: Now, I have to ask.
  • 00:13:28.260 --> 00:13:29.160
  • How did you navigate through
  • 00:13:29.160 --> 00:13:30.290
  • those years, through that,
  • 00:13:30.290 --> 00:13:32.010
  • the mourning time?
  • 00:13:32.010 --> 00:13:33.270
  • Your own mourning stage,
  • 00:13:33.270 --> 00:13:35.260
  • and then as well as the kids.
  • 00:13:35.260 --> 00:13:37.070
  • Did you allow yourself to grieve
  • 00:13:37.070 --> 00:13:39.270
  • but you feel like, "Well,
  • 00:13:39.270 --> 00:13:41.030
  • I gotta handle the kids first,
  • 00:13:41.030 --> 00:13:42.090
  • and help them get through it?"
  • 00:13:42.090 --> 00:13:44.050
  • And then, you know,
  • 00:13:44.050 --> 00:13:45.000
  • how did you do that?
  • 00:13:45.000 --> 00:13:45.270
  • You know, how do you balance
  • 00:13:45.270 --> 00:13:47.000
  • that out?
  • 00:13:47.000 --> 00:13:47.290
  • - Robyn: Yeah, it, the initial
  • 00:13:47.290 --> 00:13:49.070
  • onset was, because of the shock
  • 00:13:49.070 --> 00:13:51.210
  • of it, I wanted to slide
  • 00:13:51.210 --> 00:13:54.170
  • into a depression.
  • 00:13:54.170 --> 00:13:56.000
  • But I'm waking up, looking,
  • 00:13:56.000 --> 00:13:57.180
  • "No, I've got three kids, and
  • 00:13:57.180 --> 00:13:58.260
  • I've got to fight, you know?"
  • 00:13:58.260 --> 00:14:01.040
  • And so I got to a place where
  • 00:14:01.040 --> 00:14:03.010
  • I could saturate myself in
  • 00:14:03.010 --> 00:14:04.160
  • the Word for 20 hours straight,
  • 00:14:04.160 --> 00:14:06.170
  • worship and Word,
  • 00:14:06.170 --> 00:14:07.250
  • worship and worship and Word.
  • 00:14:07.250 --> 00:14:09.110
  • And the life of the Word took on
  • 00:14:09.110 --> 00:14:11.260
  • that place in me, and it started
  • 00:14:11.260 --> 00:14:14.010
  • handling that situation.
  • 00:14:14.010 --> 00:14:15.000
  • - Niyah: You mentioned to me
  • 00:14:15.000 --> 00:14:15.240
  • earlier, you said during that
  • 00:14:15.240 --> 00:14:17.030
  • moment where the whole initial,
  • 00:14:17.030 --> 00:14:18.260
  • you finding your husband, you
  • 00:14:18.260 --> 00:14:20.110
  • know, passed out on the ground,
  • 00:14:20.110 --> 00:14:22.110
  • and then gettin' through it,
  • 00:14:22.110 --> 00:14:23.250
  • you said your 10-year-old
  • 00:14:23.250 --> 00:14:25.000
  • came up to you.
  • 00:14:25.000 --> 00:14:25.240
  • Explain that to our audience,
  • 00:14:25.240 --> 00:14:27.030
  • what happened.
  • 00:14:27.030 --> 00:14:27.180
  • - Robyn: Yes.
  • 00:14:27.180 --> 00:14:28.110
  • Okay, so, well, you know, again,
  • 00:14:28.110 --> 00:14:29.250
  • the shock of it, my mind
  • 00:14:29.250 --> 00:14:31.070
  • is tryin' to process it,
  • 00:14:31.070 --> 00:14:33.040
  • and nothing was computing.
  • 00:14:33.040 --> 00:14:35.030
  • My mind went into no compute,
  • 00:14:35.030 --> 00:14:36.170
  • no compute.
  • 00:14:36.170 --> 00:14:37.120
  • I don't even know
  • 00:14:37.120 --> 00:14:37.270
  • if the couch is real.
  • 00:14:37.270 --> 00:14:39.060
  • And my son is sitting there
  • 00:14:39.060 --> 00:14:40.110
  • watching me, and you know, it's
  • 00:14:40.110 --> 00:14:41.290
  • not a good thing for your kids
  • 00:14:41.290 --> 00:14:43.190
  • to see you go in panic mode.
  • 00:14:43.190 --> 00:14:45.140
  • And he walks up to me
  • 00:14:45.140 --> 00:14:46.180
  • and he goes, he goes,
  • 00:14:46.180 --> 00:14:47.280
  • "Mom, do what you know.
  • 00:14:47.280 --> 00:14:49.140
  • Do what you know."
  • 00:14:49.140 --> 00:14:50.110
  • And I'm like, "I don't know
  • 00:14:50.110 --> 00:14:51.030
  • what I know, you know,
  • 00:14:51.030 --> 00:14:52.180
  • at this point."
  • 00:14:52.180 --> 00:14:53.250
  • He starts quoting the Scripture
  • 00:14:53.250 --> 00:14:55.070
  • to me, starts quoting the Word.
  • 00:14:55.070 --> 00:14:56.290
  • And I was a home school mom so I
  • 00:14:56.290 --> 00:14:58.010
  • taught them to memorize chapters
  • 00:14:58.010 --> 00:15:00.100
  • and not verses, and he's
  • 00:15:00.100 --> 00:15:01.270
  • memorizing this whole chapter
  • 00:15:01.270 --> 00:15:03.060
  • to me, you know?
  • 00:15:03.060 --> 00:15:04.210
  • And as I'm thinking about it,
  • 00:15:04.210 --> 00:15:06.090
  • I'm thinkin', "That's not
  • 00:15:06.090 --> 00:15:06.290
  • the right Scripture."
  • 00:15:06.290 --> 00:15:07.260
  • But the Word works.
  • 00:15:07.260 --> 00:15:09.270
  • It started speakin' to me.
  • 00:15:09.270 --> 00:15:10.220
  • It started ministering to me.
  • 00:15:10.220 --> 00:15:12.210
  • It wasn't, it didn't matter
  • 00:15:12.210 --> 00:15:13.280
  • if it was the 91st Psalm.
  • 00:15:13.280 --> 00:15:15.200
  • He was quoting the 91st Psalm
  • 00:15:15.200 --> 00:15:17.020
  • to me.
  • 00:15:17.020 --> 00:15:17.260
  • And I'm like,
  • 00:15:17.260 --> 00:15:18.180
  • "That's Davin's chapter.
  • 00:15:18.180 --> 00:15:19.190
  • That's not yours," you know?
  • 00:15:19.190 --> 00:15:20.270
  • But the Word worked.
  • 00:15:20.270 --> 00:15:22.270
  • It started working.
  • 00:15:22.270 --> 00:15:24.020
  • It's alive.
  • 00:15:24.020 --> 00:15:25.030
  • And that's what shifted
  • 00:15:25.030 --> 00:15:26.210
  • and brought me into a sobriety
  • 00:15:26.210 --> 00:15:28.170
  • of mind in that moment.
  • 00:15:28.170 --> 00:15:30.080
  • - Helen: Wow.
  • 00:15:30.080 --> 00:15:30.230
  • - John: So talk about
  • 00:15:30.230 --> 00:15:31.130
  • relationships.
  • 00:15:31.130 --> 00:15:33.200
  • You're not remarried.
  • 00:15:33.200 --> 00:15:34.200
  • Is there somethin' behind that?
  • 00:15:34.200 --> 00:15:36.190
  • - Robyn: Well, there's not
  • 00:15:36.190 --> 00:15:37.260
  • a hardcore reason behind it.
  • 00:15:37.280 --> 00:15:40.280
  • It's just that I just didn't
  • 00:15:40.280 --> 00:15:41.250
  • have a heart for, a desire to.
  • 00:15:41.250 --> 00:15:44.210
  • And the Lord, you know,
  • 00:15:44.210 --> 00:15:45.240
  • started dealin' with me later.
  • 00:15:45.240 --> 00:15:48.000
  • But I just didn't want anyone
  • 00:15:48.000 --> 00:15:49.180
  • in my life and in my kids' life,
  • 00:15:49.180 --> 00:15:51.280
  • you know, comin' in and out.
  • 00:15:51.280 --> 00:15:53.110
  • That dating scene,
  • 00:15:53.110 --> 00:15:54.060
  • that wasn't for me.
  • 00:15:54.060 --> 00:15:55.170
  • So I didn't want that.
  • 00:15:55.170 --> 00:15:56.040
  • - John: So, like,
  • 00:15:56.040 --> 00:15:56.220
  • your relationship, kids and you,
  • 00:15:56.220 --> 00:15:58.130
  • it was full enough.
  • 00:15:58.130 --> 00:15:59.060
  • You didn't need anything else
  • 00:15:59.060 --> 00:16:00.060
  • dangling in there.
  • 00:16:00.060 --> 00:16:01.000
  • - Robyn: Right, right.
  • 00:16:01.000 --> 00:16:01.290
  • I didn't want someone coming
  • 00:16:01.290 --> 00:16:04.280
  • into my life and having that
  • 00:16:04.280 --> 00:16:07.020
  • perceived father figure
  • 00:16:07.020 --> 00:16:09.190
  • that wasn't an actual, you know,
  • 00:16:09.190 --> 00:16:11.090
  • that wasn't actually there.
  • 00:16:11.090 --> 00:16:13.030
  • So I just chose to say,
  • 00:16:13.030 --> 00:16:15.060
  • "Okay, Lord, it's me and you.
  • 00:16:15.060 --> 00:16:16.110
  • Let's do this."
  • 00:16:16.110 --> 00:16:17.140
  • And now my kids are grown.
  • 00:16:17.140 --> 00:16:18.280
  • So I said, "Okay, Lord,
  • 00:16:18.280 --> 00:16:20.040
  • it's on you.
  • 00:16:20.040 --> 00:16:20.270
  • If you--"
  • 00:16:20.270 --> 00:16:21.120
  • - John: So your phone number
  • 00:16:21.120 --> 00:16:22.000
  • will be in the bottom
  • 00:16:22.000 --> 00:16:22.140
  • of the screen?
  • 00:16:22.140 --> 00:16:23.060
  • - all: [laughing]
  • 00:16:23.060 --> 00:16:24.050
  • - Robyn: I'm like--
  • 00:16:24.050 --> 00:16:24.240
  • - Helen: I don't think she--
  • 00:16:24.240 --> 00:16:25.160
  • - Robyn: Now, okay, I'm ready.
  • 00:16:25.160 --> 00:16:26.150
  • But yeah--
  • 00:16:26.150 --> 00:16:27.240
  • - Helen: You know, what I think
  • 00:16:27.240 --> 00:16:28.180
  • is amazing about this story is
  • 00:16:28.180 --> 00:16:30.270
  • everyone, even as you said every
  • 00:16:30.270 --> 00:16:32.160
  • one of your kids are individual
  • 00:16:32.160 --> 00:16:34.130
  • and unique and they have
  • 00:16:34.130 --> 00:16:35.230
  • a journey, so is yours.
  • 00:16:35.230 --> 00:16:37.180
  • Not every parent who finds them
  • 00:16:37.180 --> 00:16:39.100
  • self in this situation is gonna
  • 00:16:39.100 --> 00:16:41.030
  • take your journey.
  • 00:16:41.030 --> 00:16:42.120
  • But God has written
  • 00:16:42.120 --> 00:16:43.160
  • a prescription, if you will,
  • 00:16:43.160 --> 00:16:44.260
  • a story for everyone.
  • 00:16:44.260 --> 00:16:46.080
  • You're not alone, and you don't
  • 00:16:46.080 --> 00:16:47.200
  • have to do it on your own.
  • 00:16:47.200 --> 00:16:49.110
  • Someone will find someone
  • 00:16:49.110 --> 00:16:50.110
  • and get married much sooner,
  • 00:16:50.110 --> 00:16:52.130
  • and some won't.
  • 00:16:52.130 --> 00:16:53.080
  • So there's not one size
  • 00:16:53.080 --> 00:16:54.060
  • fits all.
  • 00:16:54.060 --> 00:16:54.270
  • But what does fit completely
  • 00:16:54.270 --> 00:16:55.290
  • is God's faithfulness,
  • 00:16:56.150 --> 00:16:59.150
  • God's family, God's Word.
  • 00:16:59.150 --> 00:17:01.290
  • - Robyn: Yes, indeed.
  • 00:17:01.290 --> 00:17:03.020
  • - Helen: That's irreplaceable
  • 00:17:03.020 --> 00:17:04.100
  • in anyone's life.
  • 00:17:04.100 --> 00:17:05.170
  • - Robyn: Yes, indeed.
  • 00:17:05.170 --> 00:17:06.210
  • - John: Your husband died
  • 00:17:06.210 --> 00:17:07.270
  • suddenly.
  • 00:17:07.270 --> 00:17:08.240
  • To me, that's such an issue.
  • 00:17:08.240 --> 00:17:11.030
  • 'Cause you had no preparation.
  • 00:17:11.030 --> 00:17:13.040
  • And to me, that happened with
  • 00:17:13.040 --> 00:17:15.120
  • my, you know, with my brother.
  • 00:17:15.120 --> 00:17:16.190
  • My cry was,
  • 00:17:16.190 --> 00:17:17.100
  • "If I just had one more moment."
  • 00:17:17.100 --> 00:17:19.090
  • If you had one more moment,
  • 00:17:19.090 --> 00:17:21.110
  • do you know what you'd say,
  • 00:17:21.110 --> 00:17:22.170
  • or---?
  • 00:17:22.170 --> 00:17:23.100
  • - Robyn: It was a panic
  • 00:17:23.100 --> 00:17:25.130
  • situation, but in that one more
  • 00:17:25.130 --> 00:17:27.210
  • moment, if I had that one more
  • 00:17:27.210 --> 00:17:29.030
  • moment, I can't underscore
  • 00:17:29.030 --> 00:17:31.080
  • how much you can tell someone
  • 00:17:31.080 --> 00:17:33.120
  • that you love them.
  • 00:17:33.120 --> 00:17:35.100
  • I cannot underscore that enough.
  • 00:17:35.100 --> 00:17:37.090
  • Just simply because those words,
  • 00:17:37.090 --> 00:17:39.290
  • "I love you," we take for
  • 00:17:39.290 --> 00:17:41.030
  • granted so much, you know?
  • 00:17:41.030 --> 00:17:42.200
  • - John: What about if he had
  • 00:17:42.200 --> 00:17:43.130
  • one more moment?
  • 00:17:43.130 --> 00:17:45.130
  • - Robyn: If he had one more
  • 00:17:45.130 --> 00:17:46.100
  • moment, what would he say?
  • 00:17:46.100 --> 00:17:48.110
  • I don't know.
  • 00:17:48.110 --> 00:17:49.030
  • I don't know what he would say,
  • 00:17:49.030 --> 00:17:50.260
  • but he was a family man,
  • 00:17:50.260 --> 00:17:52.190
  • you know,
  • 00:17:52.190 --> 00:17:53.140
  • and he happened to be home
  • 00:17:53.140 --> 00:17:54.280
  • that day because he loved
  • 00:17:54.280 --> 00:17:56.020
  • spending time with the kids.
  • 00:17:56.020 --> 00:17:57.290
  • So if he had that one more
  • 00:17:57.290 --> 00:18:00.030
  • moment, it would be something
  • 00:18:00.030 --> 00:18:02.090
  • family connected.
  • 00:18:02.090 --> 00:18:04.050
  • - John: So what he would say to
  • 00:18:04.050 --> 00:18:05.030
  • your kids, I'm sure you've told
  • 00:18:05.030 --> 00:18:06.220
  • 'em over the years what he
  • 00:18:06.220 --> 00:18:08.060
  • would have said, what he felt.
  • 00:18:08.150 --> 00:18:11.150
  • - Robyn: He probably would've
  • 00:18:11.150 --> 00:18:12.270
  • said--he definitely would've
  • 00:18:12.270 --> 00:18:15.000
  • told 'em how much he loved them,
  • 00:18:15.000 --> 00:18:17.000
  • and how much--I remember one
  • 00:18:17.000 --> 00:18:18.250
  • time where he told me God
  • 00:18:18.250 --> 00:18:20.180
  • gave him a vision of my oldest
  • 00:18:20.180 --> 00:18:22.180
  • in her career and when
  • 00:18:22.180 --> 00:18:25.080
  • she was getting married.
  • 00:18:25.080 --> 00:18:26.190
  • And I thought it was
  • 00:18:26.190 --> 00:18:27.050
  • a very strange thing.
  • 00:18:27.050 --> 00:18:27.290
  • I'm like, "Oh really?
  • 00:18:27.290 --> 00:18:29.040
  • He didn't tell me that one.
  • 00:18:29.040 --> 00:18:30.010
  • He didn't show me that."
  • 00:18:30.010 --> 00:18:31.020
  • You know?
  • 00:18:31.020 --> 00:18:31.290
  • But he always wanted them
  • 00:18:31.290 --> 00:18:33.290
  • to know their value,
  • 00:18:33.290 --> 00:18:35.290
  • how valuable they were.
  • 00:18:35.290 --> 00:18:37.050
  • - Helen: How gorgeous.
  • 00:18:37.050 --> 00:18:38.100
  • - Niyah: Wow, Robyn.
  • 00:18:38.100 --> 00:18:39.010
  • Thank you so,
  • 00:18:39.010 --> 00:18:39.160
  • so much for opening up,
  • 00:18:39.160 --> 00:18:40.270
  • sharing your story with us.
  • 00:18:40.270 --> 00:18:42.140
  • I'm encouraged by you and
  • 00:18:42.140 --> 00:18:44.090
  • your strength, and just your,
  • 00:18:44.090 --> 00:18:46.040
  • you just holdin' onto the Lord
  • 00:18:46.040 --> 00:18:47.220
  • just through it all.
  • 00:18:47.220 --> 00:18:48.190
  • - Robyn: Thank you.
  • 00:18:48.190 --> 00:18:49.050
  • - Niyah: Thank you so much
  • 00:18:49.050 --> 00:18:49.240
  • for coming and sharing with us.
  • 00:18:49.240 --> 00:18:50.180
  • - Robyn: I enjoyed it.
  • 00:18:50.180 --> 00:18:52.090
  • - Niyah: Well, after the break
  • 00:18:52.090 --> 00:18:53.080
  • we get right back into
  • 00:18:53.080 --> 00:18:54.060
  • discussing topics brought to us
  • 00:18:54.060 --> 00:18:55.180
  • by people on the street.
  • 00:18:55.180 --> 00:18:57.120
  • - Niyah: Now, we have had so
  • 00:19:08.070 --> 00:19:09.080
  • many questions being sent in
  • 00:19:09.080 --> 00:19:11.160
  • from people from all over
  • 00:19:11.160 --> 00:19:12.270
  • the world.
  • 00:19:12.270 --> 00:19:13.160
  • And today we're gonna hear from
  • 00:19:13.160 --> 00:19:14.230
  • a young lady from Los Angeles.
  • 00:19:14.230 --> 00:19:16.260
  • - female: Hi,
  • 00:19:18.290 --> 00:19:19.150
  • Pastors John and Helen.
  • 00:19:19.150 --> 00:19:20.180
  • Sometimes it's hard to know
  • 00:19:20.180 --> 00:19:21.110
  • the status of your relationship.
  • 00:19:21.110 --> 00:19:23.080
  • How do you know
  • 00:19:23.080 --> 00:19:23.230
  • when you're in a relationship
  • 00:19:23.230 --> 00:19:25.010
  • - Niyah: Ooh.
  • 00:19:27.080 --> 00:19:27.230
  • - both: [laughing]
  • 00:19:27.230 --> 00:19:29.020
  • - Niyah: Situation-ship, hmm,
  • 00:19:29.020 --> 00:19:31.250
  • talk to me about that now.
  • 00:19:31.250 --> 00:19:33.180
  • - John: I don't know
  • 00:19:33.180 --> 00:19:34.080
  • if this 63-year-old
  • 00:19:34.080 --> 00:19:35.230
  • can really even relate with some
  • 00:19:35.230 --> 00:19:37.130
  • of the language.
  • 00:19:37.130 --> 00:19:38.230
  • I've never heard
  • 00:19:38.230 --> 00:19:39.120
  • of a situation-ship.
  • 00:19:39.120 --> 00:19:40.180
  • - Helen: I think
  • 00:19:40.180 --> 00:19:41.030
  • that's kinda cool.
  • 00:19:41.030 --> 00:19:41.250
  • Do you wanna interpret it
  • 00:19:41.250 --> 00:19:42.160
  • for us?
  • 00:19:42.160 --> 00:19:43.010
  • - Niyah: I think that's kinda
  • 00:19:43.010 --> 00:19:43.250
  • more just, like, you know,
  • 00:19:43.250 --> 00:19:44.290
  • "Is this relationship worth
  • 00:19:44.290 --> 00:19:46.030
  • pursuing, or are you just,
  • 00:19:46.030 --> 00:19:47.220
  • kinda, just hangin' around?"
  • 00:19:47.220 --> 00:19:49.000
  • Like, you know, a relationship,
  • 00:19:49.000 --> 00:19:50.020
  • people put in effort, right?
  • 00:19:50.020 --> 00:19:51.160
  • And situation-ship, I guess,
  • 00:19:51.160 --> 00:19:52.280
  • you know, you just kinda, like,
  • 00:19:52.280 --> 00:19:54.080
  • "Oh, you're good
  • 00:19:54.080 --> 00:19:54.270
  • for the time being,
  • 00:19:54.270 --> 00:19:56.020
  • right?"
  • 00:19:56.020 --> 00:19:56.200
  • - Helen: The convenient
  • 00:19:56.200 --> 00:19:57.080
  • relationship, yeah.
  • 00:19:57.080 --> 00:19:57.270
  • - Niyah: It's convenient,
  • 00:19:57.270 --> 00:19:58.180
  • exactly,
  • 00:19:58.180 --> 00:19:59.070
  • one of those convenient--
  • 00:19:59.070 --> 00:19:59.290
  • it's something to do.
  • 00:19:59.290 --> 00:20:00.170
  • - John: So a situation-ship
  • 00:20:00.170 --> 00:20:01.130
  • would be two of them
  • 00:20:01.130 --> 00:20:02.160
  • get together for a situation.
  • 00:20:02.160 --> 00:20:05.050
  • A relationship, they get
  • 00:20:05.050 --> 00:20:05.270
  • together to get together.
  • 00:20:05.270 --> 00:20:07.060
  • - Niyah: Yeah.
  • 00:20:07.060 --> 00:20:07.210
  • - Helen: For a relationship.
  • 00:20:07.210 --> 00:20:08.140
  • - Niyah: For relationship,
  • 00:20:08.140 --> 00:20:09.020
  • working toward something,
  • 00:20:09.020 --> 00:20:09.230
  • exactly.
  • 00:20:09.230 --> 00:20:10.210
  • Yeah.
  • 00:20:10.210 --> 00:20:11.060
  • - John: All right, all right,
  • 00:20:11.060 --> 00:20:12.260
  • now I understand.
  • 00:20:12.260 --> 00:20:13.220
  • So, what do you think?
  • 00:20:13.220 --> 00:20:15.110
  • - Helen: Well, you know, I've
  • 00:20:15.110 --> 00:20:16.070
  • often say about relationships,
  • 00:20:16.070 --> 00:20:17.140
  • some people come into
  • 00:20:17.140 --> 00:20:18.040
  • your life for a reason.
  • 00:20:18.040 --> 00:20:19.170
  • Some come into your life
  • 00:20:19.170 --> 00:20:20.160
  • for a season,
  • 00:20:20.160 --> 00:20:21.130
  • and some come for a lifetime.
  • 00:20:21.130 --> 00:20:23.130
  • And I think that
  • 00:20:23.130 --> 00:20:24.080
  • that's very true,
  • 00:20:24.080 --> 00:20:25.070
  • and it's true in friendship.
  • 00:20:25.070 --> 00:20:26.130
  • But also, if you're in a dating
  • 00:20:26.130 --> 00:20:28.090
  • relationship, I think
  • 00:20:28.090 --> 00:20:29.150
  • at some point, I don't think
  • 00:20:29.150 --> 00:20:30.210
  • you really know initially.
  • 00:20:30.210 --> 00:20:32.090
  • It takes a lot of courage
  • 00:20:32.090 --> 00:20:33.080
  • for most people to even
  • 00:20:33.080 --> 00:20:34.070
  • break out and start having
  • 00:20:34.070 --> 00:20:35.150
  • a dating relationship.
  • 00:20:35.150 --> 00:20:37.110
  • And then, not just putting
  • 00:20:37.110 --> 00:20:38.200
  • all of your pressure,
  • 00:20:38.200 --> 00:20:39.230
  • "Is this the one?
  • 00:20:39.230 --> 00:20:40.110
  • Is this the one?
  • 00:20:40.110 --> 00:20:40.260
  • Is this the one?"
  • 00:20:40.260 --> 00:20:41.220
  • Because if you're, if the whole
  • 00:20:41.220 --> 00:20:42.250
  • pressure and the goal is,
  • 00:20:42.250 --> 00:20:44.000
  • "I gotta marry, get it married,
  • 00:20:44.000 --> 00:20:44.230
  • get married,"
  • 00:20:44.230 --> 00:20:45.260
  • you really lose the,
  • 00:20:45.260 --> 00:20:47.220
  • just the beauty of friendship,
  • 00:20:47.220 --> 00:20:49.260
  • where you get to know
  • 00:20:49.260 --> 00:20:50.150
  • each other.
  • 00:20:50.150 --> 00:20:51.040
  • 'Cause I think every great
  • 00:20:51.040 --> 00:20:51.250
  • marriage is a great friendship.
  • 00:20:51.250 --> 00:20:53.210
  • - Niyah: Yeah.
  • 00:20:53.210 --> 00:20:54.080
  • - Helen: But eventually, you
  • 00:20:54.080 --> 00:20:55.130
  • have to come to that question.
  • 00:20:55.130 --> 00:20:56.230
  • "Is this going anywhere?
  • 00:20:56.230 --> 00:20:58.110
  • Is this actually got potential?"
  • 00:20:58.110 --> 00:21:00.080
  • And I think it's gonna take
  • 00:21:00.080 --> 00:21:01.010
  • courage.
  • 00:21:01.010 --> 00:21:01.220
  • And I don't think
  • 00:21:01.220 --> 00:21:02.080
  • it's in the first week or two.
  • 00:21:02.080 --> 00:21:03.190
  • But if you, but there comes
  • 00:21:03.190 --> 00:21:05.120
  • a time you're feeling serious
  • 00:21:05.120 --> 00:21:06.190
  • about this relationship.
  • 00:21:06.190 --> 00:21:07.220
  • You kinda have to suss that out.
  • 00:21:07.220 --> 00:21:09.100
  • "What is it?
  • 00:21:09.100 --> 00:21:10.070
  • What are you feeling?
  • 00:21:10.070 --> 00:21:11.060
  • What am I feeling?
  • 00:21:11.060 --> 00:21:12.060
  • Are we gonna keep going
  • 00:21:12.060 --> 00:21:13.050
  • with this?"
  • 00:21:13.050 --> 00:21:13.280
  • And if not, you cut your losses
  • 00:21:13.280 --> 00:21:15.240
  • and you have to walk.
  • 00:21:15.240 --> 00:21:17.010
  • I would because it's a huge
  • 00:21:17.010 --> 00:21:18.080
  • heart investment, and you need
  • 00:21:18.080 --> 00:21:20.260
  • to know what's going there.
  • 00:21:20.260 --> 00:21:22.020
  • - Niyah: Now, how do you get
  • 00:21:22.020 --> 00:21:22.200
  • to that point though?
  • 00:21:22.200 --> 00:21:23.120
  • You know, you hear these
  • 00:21:23.120 --> 00:21:24.050
  • relationships, "We've been
  • 00:21:24.050 --> 00:21:24.260
  • in relationship for 6 years."
  • 00:21:24.260 --> 00:21:26.170
  • Some have been in for 8 years
  • 00:21:26.170 --> 00:21:27.200
  • and so, and I'm just like,
  • 00:21:27.200 --> 00:21:29.010
  • "Okay, 8 years?
  • 00:21:29.010 --> 00:21:31.000
  • You know, I'm hopin' that
  • 00:21:31.000 --> 00:21:31.260
  • you started at 2 or something."
  • 00:21:31.260 --> 00:21:33.170
  • But you know what I'm sayin'?
  • 00:21:33.170 --> 00:21:34.240
  • But for so long, it's just like,
  • 00:21:34.240 --> 00:21:36.280
  • when do you say, "Okay, now's
  • 00:21:36.280 --> 00:21:38.020
  • the time where that we make
  • 00:21:38.020 --> 00:21:39.100
  • a decision where we're gonna,
  • 00:21:39.100 --> 00:21:40.260
  • you know, go towards marriage
  • 00:21:40.260 --> 00:21:42.130
  • or you know?"
  • 00:21:42.130 --> 00:21:43.210
  • How does that--?
  • 00:21:43.210 --> 00:21:44.090
  • - Helen: If you've been dating
  • 00:21:44.090 --> 00:21:45.000
  • that long and you still don't
  • 00:21:45.000 --> 00:21:46.020
  • know, I think that's a problem.
  • 00:21:46.020 --> 00:21:48.060
  • I think, though, if you're
  • 00:21:48.060 --> 00:21:49.040
  • dating and you know that you're
  • 00:21:49.040 --> 00:21:50.150
  • going to get married eventually,
  • 00:21:50.150 --> 00:21:52.010
  • and sometimes it--
  • 00:21:52.010 --> 00:21:52.190
  • I'm not a fan of long, long,
  • 00:21:52.190 --> 00:21:55.080
  • long relationships.
  • 00:21:55.080 --> 00:21:56.220
  • That's why I don't think it's
  • 00:21:56.220 --> 00:21:57.180
  • great to start dating too young,
  • 00:21:57.180 --> 00:21:59.130
  • because there's a lot of time
  • 00:21:59.130 --> 00:22:01.060
  • between now and the time you're
  • 00:22:01.060 --> 00:22:02.120
  • getting married, and all of the
  • 00:22:02.120 --> 00:22:03.060
  • sexual tension, and everything
  • 00:22:03.060 --> 00:22:04.130
  • else that you're dealing with.
  • 00:22:04.130 --> 00:22:06.060
  • But if it's, "Yes, we are,
  • 00:22:06.060 --> 00:22:07.110
  • we're building this.
  • 00:22:07.110 --> 00:22:08.210
  • We're gonna finish our career.
  • 00:22:08.210 --> 00:22:10.100
  • We're moving towards
  • 00:22:10.100 --> 00:22:11.020
  • this direction," at least
  • 00:22:11.020 --> 00:22:12.120
  • you know where you're going.
  • 00:22:12.120 --> 00:22:13.190
  • But if you've been dating for,
  • 00:22:13.190 --> 00:22:15.160
  • you know, 2 years or 3 years and
  • 00:22:15.160 --> 00:22:17.120
  • you still have no idea if this
  • 00:22:17.120 --> 00:22:18.270
  • is the one, I think you better
  • 00:22:18.270 --> 00:22:21.010
  • figure it out really fast.
  • 00:22:21.010 --> 00:22:22.130
  • If not, it's this huge heart
  • 00:22:22.130 --> 00:22:24.170
  • investment and time investment.
  • 00:22:24.170 --> 00:22:26.180
  • I don't actually think
  • 00:22:26.180 --> 00:22:28.000
  • it's really healthy.
  • 00:22:28.000 --> 00:22:29.050
  • - Niyah: Yeah, well,
  • 00:22:29.050 --> 00:22:29.220
  • how quickly, Pastor John,
  • 00:22:29.220 --> 00:22:30.180
  • how quickly can you know
  • 00:22:30.180 --> 00:22:31.250
  • if this person's the one
  • 00:22:31.250 --> 00:22:32.180
  • - John: Oh, I don't think that
  • 00:22:34.190 --> 00:22:35.190
  • you can put a time on that.
  • 00:22:35.190 --> 00:22:37.150
  • I think if you were to go as
  • 00:22:37.150 --> 00:22:38.190
  • quick as possible, some people
  • 00:22:38.190 --> 00:22:40.050
  • say it was love at first sight.
  • 00:22:40.050 --> 00:22:42.020
  • And I don't believe it's love
  • 00:22:42.020 --> 00:22:43.080
  • at first sight.
  • 00:22:43.080 --> 00:22:43.280
  • - Niyah: Do you believe in love
  • 00:22:43.280 --> 00:22:44.170
  • in first sight?
  • 00:22:44.170 --> 00:22:45.020
  • - John: No.
  • 00:22:45.020 --> 00:22:45.210
  • - Helen: Glorious hormones.
  • 00:22:48.020 --> 00:22:49.040
  • - John: Yeah, you can have
  • 00:22:49.040 --> 00:22:49.290
  • hormone explosion
  • 00:22:49.290 --> 00:22:50.270
  • at first sight, you know?
  • 00:22:50.270 --> 00:22:52.120
  • - Helen: But love
  • 00:22:52.120 --> 00:22:53.040
  • is a costly thing.
  • 00:22:53.040 --> 00:22:54.080
  • - John: Yeah, and a great
  • 00:22:54.080 --> 00:22:54.280
  • feeling and everything.
  • 00:22:54.280 --> 00:22:55.250
  • But love, you know,
  • 00:22:55.250 --> 00:22:57.070
  • love's gonna be a choice.
  • 00:22:57.070 --> 00:22:59.090
  • And it's got to be, the bottom
  • 00:22:59.090 --> 00:23:01.240
  • line of makin' that choice
  • 00:23:01.240 --> 00:23:03.250
  • is wisdom.
  • 00:23:03.250 --> 00:23:04.290
  • And wisdom is not based on
  • 00:23:04.290 --> 00:23:06.080
  • a feeling.
  • 00:23:06.080 --> 00:23:07.160
  • Wisdom is based on knowledge.
  • 00:23:07.160 --> 00:23:08.290
  • It's based on experience.
  • 00:23:08.290 --> 00:23:10.080
  • It's based on what you've seen.
  • 00:23:10.080 --> 00:23:11.200
  • And so, you know, I think
  • 00:23:11.200 --> 00:23:12.270
  • people can fall into feelings
  • 00:23:14.210 --> 00:23:17.210
  • overnight, but they can't
  • 00:23:17.210 --> 00:23:18.260
  • fall in love overnight.
  • 00:23:18.260 --> 00:23:20.260
  • That takes a choice
  • 00:23:20.260 --> 00:23:21.240
  • and a decision.
  • 00:23:21.240 --> 00:23:22.200
  • And how long before you know
  • 00:23:22.200 --> 00:23:24.010
  • it's that person?
  • 00:23:24.010 --> 00:23:25.150
  • I don't think there's,
  • 00:23:25.150 --> 00:23:27.270
  • you know,
  • 00:23:27.270 --> 00:23:28.170
  • a formula for it.
  • 00:23:28.170 --> 00:23:29.140
  • Some of the relationships are,
  • 00:23:29.140 --> 00:23:31.180
  • work backwards.
  • 00:23:31.180 --> 00:23:32.190
  • They become,
  • 00:23:32.190 --> 00:23:33.110
  • they're friends,
  • 00:23:33.110 --> 00:23:34.250
  • and they just hang out
  • 00:23:34.250 --> 00:23:36.180
  • for sometimes years.
  • 00:23:36.180 --> 00:23:38.090
  • And there's no hormones
  • 00:23:38.090 --> 00:23:39.130
  • or anything.
  • 00:23:39.130 --> 00:23:40.050
  • And then all of the sudden,
  • 00:23:40.050 --> 00:23:41.090
  • they discover each other
  • 00:23:41.090 --> 00:23:42.260
  • and the hormones take off.
  • 00:23:42.260 --> 00:23:44.110
  • And actually, some of those
  • 00:23:44.110 --> 00:23:45.200
  • relationships are some of the
  • 00:23:45.200 --> 00:23:46.190
  • strongest, healthiest ones.
  • 00:23:46.190 --> 00:23:48.190
  • - Helen: Well, they've known
  • 00:23:48.190 --> 00:23:49.070
  • each other a long while,
  • 00:23:49.070 --> 00:23:49.220
  • know their character,
  • 00:23:49.220 --> 00:23:50.160
  • know their relationship.
  • 00:23:50.160 --> 00:23:52.000
  • But if you have been dating
  • 00:23:52.000 --> 00:23:53.270
  • for a long time
  • 00:23:53.270 --> 00:23:54.280
  • and you think this has got
  • 00:23:54.280 --> 00:23:55.290
  • the potential to lead
  • 00:23:55.290 --> 00:23:57.290
  • to marriage, and yet,
  • 00:23:57.290 --> 00:23:59.060
  • there's still no indication,
  • 00:23:59.060 --> 00:24:00.180
  • and no conversations
  • 00:24:00.180 --> 00:24:01.180
  • about that personally,
  • 00:24:01.180 --> 00:24:03.140
  • I would find that problematic.
  • 00:24:03.140 --> 00:24:05.090
  • It doesn't mean it's doomed.
  • 00:24:05.090 --> 00:24:07.100
  • I just think, why haven't you
  • 00:24:07.100 --> 00:24:08.210
  • had that conversation?
  • 00:24:08.210 --> 00:24:09.270
  • What's the reason?
  • 00:24:09.270 --> 00:24:10.290
  • - Niyah: A year into
  • 00:24:10.290 --> 00:24:11.190
  • a relationship, should you know
  • 00:24:11.190 --> 00:24:12.290
  • by then if they're, you know,
  • 00:24:12.290 --> 00:24:14.260
  • potential, they're husband
  • 00:24:14.260 --> 00:24:16.120
  • or wife potential?
  • 00:24:16.120 --> 00:24:17.220
  • - John: I would expect yes,
  • 00:24:17.220 --> 00:24:19.140
  • absolutely.
  • 00:24:19.140 --> 00:24:20.040
  • - Niyah: Six months?
  • 00:24:20.040 --> 00:24:20.220
  • - Helen: I would say
  • 00:24:20.220 --> 00:24:21.070
  • 6 months is probably--
  • 00:24:21.070 --> 00:24:22.060
  • and everyone's different.
  • 00:24:22.060 --> 00:24:24.000
  • 'Cause I hate putting
  • 00:24:24.000 --> 00:24:24.190
  • an absolute on it.
  • 00:24:24.190 --> 00:24:26.000
  • But for me, if you've been
  • 00:24:26.000 --> 00:24:27.010
  • dating someone consistently
  • 00:24:27.010 --> 00:24:28.150
  • for 6 months,
  • 00:24:28.150 --> 00:24:29.130
  • you have to kinda have a sense.
  • 00:24:29.130 --> 00:24:30.260
  • It doesn't mean it is the one,
  • 00:24:30.260 --> 00:24:32.240
  • but you should know that,
  • 00:24:32.240 --> 00:24:33.250
  • "This is someone that I would
  • 00:24:33.250 --> 00:24:35.020
  • really like to continue
  • 00:24:35.020 --> 00:24:36.010
  • investing my life in."
  • 00:24:36.010 --> 00:24:37.160
  • You should know some of
  • 00:24:37.160 --> 00:24:38.240
  • their life dreams, and have some
  • 00:24:38.240 --> 00:24:41.130
  • good conversation about that.
  • 00:24:41.130 --> 00:24:43.230
  • - John: Right.
  • 00:24:43.230 --> 00:24:44.140
  • When often you get
  • 00:24:44.140 --> 00:24:45.050
  • the questions,
  • 00:24:45.050 --> 00:24:45.260
  • "Well, what if
  • 00:24:45.260 --> 00:24:46.120
  • there's no chemistry?"
  • 00:24:46.120 --> 00:24:47.110
  • - Niyah: Hmm.
  • 00:24:47.110 --> 00:24:48.140
  • Go there.
  • 00:24:48.140 --> 00:24:49.010
  • Go there, Pastor, c'mon.
  • 00:24:49.010 --> 00:24:51.010
  • - John: What if there's
  • 00:24:51.010 --> 00:24:51.160
  • no sparks that are flying?
  • 00:24:51.160 --> 00:24:52.020
  • What if they don't have the--
  • 00:24:52.020 --> 00:24:52.200
  • - Niyah: Should you stay?
  • 00:24:52.200 --> 00:24:53.150
  • - John: You know, the fire?
  • 00:24:53.150 --> 00:24:54.250
  • And that's a really good
  • 00:24:54.260 --> 00:24:57.260
  • question because you're saying
  • 00:24:57.260 --> 00:24:59.250
  • that love is based on chemistry,
  • 00:24:59.250 --> 00:25:02.240
  • which means you're saying
  • 00:25:02.240 --> 00:25:03.160
  • love is based on feelings,
  • 00:25:03.160 --> 00:25:04.290
  • which we just agreed it's not.
  • 00:25:04.290 --> 00:25:07.120
  • - Niyah: Exactly.
  • 00:25:07.120 --> 00:25:08.030
  • - John: You know?
  • 00:25:08.030 --> 00:25:08.260
  • And the thing about chemistry,
  • 00:25:08.260 --> 00:25:10.010
  • okay, the hormones, about
  • 00:25:10.010 --> 00:25:11.040
  • the feelings, and all of that,
  • 00:25:11.040 --> 00:25:12.230
  • you know, we've been married
  • 00:25:12.230 --> 00:25:13.260
  • for 42 years and we've had
  • 00:25:13.260 --> 00:25:16.010
  • some times of really,
  • 00:25:16.010 --> 00:25:18.170
  • really awesome feelings,
  • 00:25:18.170 --> 00:25:19.170
  • and some times where its,
  • 00:25:19.170 --> 00:25:20.120
  • you know,
  • 00:25:20.120 --> 00:25:21.070
  • we just make a decision
  • 00:25:21.070 --> 00:25:22.240
  • that we love each other.
  • 00:25:22.240 --> 00:25:24.240
  • And is that okay?
  • 00:25:24.240 --> 00:25:26.050
  • - Helen: Yeah, it's true.
  • 00:25:26.050 --> 00:25:26.290
  • That's the truth.
  • 00:25:26.290 --> 00:25:27.210
  • - Niyah: C'mon, tell the truth.
  • 00:25:27.210 --> 00:25:28.130
  • C'mon, bring it out.
  • 00:25:28.130 --> 00:25:29.130
  • - John: I'm not discing
  • 00:25:29.130 --> 00:25:30.060
  • our relationship.
  • 00:25:30.060 --> 00:25:30.290
  • I think it's true
  • 00:25:30.290 --> 00:25:31.210
  • for every relationship.
  • 00:25:31.210 --> 00:25:32.160
  • You're going to have ups and
  • 00:25:32.160 --> 00:25:33.190
  • downs, and there's gonna be
  • 00:25:33.190 --> 00:25:34.260
  • times when it's wonderful that
  • 00:25:34.260 --> 00:25:36.010
  • way and times when it's just,
  • 00:25:36.010 --> 00:25:37.040
  • you need to make that work.
  • 00:25:37.040 --> 00:25:39.010
  • And--
  • 00:25:39.010 --> 00:25:39.240
  • - Niyah: But what about
  • 00:25:39.240 --> 00:25:40.150
  • in the beginning?
  • 00:25:40.150 --> 00:25:41.100
  • If there's kinda
  • 00:25:41.100 --> 00:25:42.020
  • no chemistry there,
  • 00:25:42.020 --> 00:25:42.180
  • would you advise to keep going?
  • 00:25:42.180 --> 00:25:44.180
  • You know, "Let's see
  • 00:25:44.180 --> 00:25:45.070
  • if it happens," you know?
  • 00:25:45.070 --> 00:25:46.160
  • - Helen: Yes.
  • 00:25:46.160 --> 00:25:47.030
  • - John: I don't think
  • 00:25:47.030 --> 00:25:47.260
  • that's a--
  • 00:25:47.260 --> 00:25:48.170
  • - Niyah: Snap, crackle, pop--
  • 00:25:48.170 --> 00:25:49.190
  • - John: I don't think
  • 00:25:49.190 --> 00:25:50.080
  • that's actually a problem.
  • 00:25:50.080 --> 00:25:50.270
  • I think--
  • 00:25:50.270 --> 00:25:51.140
  • - Helen: I know way too many
  • 00:25:51.140 --> 00:25:52.020
  • people that really felt like
  • 00:25:52.020 --> 00:25:53.020
  • they didn't have a lot of
  • 00:25:53.020 --> 00:25:53.290
  • chemistry in the beginning.
  • 00:25:53.290 --> 00:25:55.040
  • But as they pursued
  • 00:25:55.040 --> 00:25:56.010
  • a deeper friendship,
  • 00:25:56.010 --> 00:25:57.090
  • the chemistry followed.
  • 00:25:57.090 --> 00:25:58.110
  • But if you've been pursuing this
  • 00:25:58.110 --> 00:25:59.180
  • a long time and that chemistry
  • 00:25:59.180 --> 00:26:01.000
  • is still not there,
  • 00:26:01.000 --> 00:26:02.040
  • that may be an issue.
  • 00:26:02.040 --> 00:26:03.040
  • I think it is an issue,
  • 00:26:03.040 --> 00:26:04.040
  • actually.
  • 00:26:04.040 --> 00:26:04.280
  • But I think some--
  • 00:26:04.280 --> 00:26:05.130
  • - Niyah:
  • 00:26:05.130 --> 00:26:06.030
  • So, chemistry is important then?
  • 00:26:06.030 --> 00:26:06.220
  • - Helen: I think there has
  • 00:26:06.220 --> 00:26:07.290
  • to be this intense like towards
  • 00:26:07.290 --> 00:26:09.230
  • each other, not just like,
  • 00:26:09.230 --> 00:26:11.040
  • "Let's be roommates
  • 00:26:11.040 --> 00:26:12.060
  • and live together."
  • 00:26:12.060 --> 00:26:13.040
  • I don't think it should have
  • 00:26:13.040 --> 00:26:13.270
  • that feel.
  • 00:26:13.270 --> 00:26:14.190
  • I think there needs to be
  • 00:26:14.190 --> 00:26:15.190
  • chemistry, but I think if we're
  • 00:26:15.190 --> 00:26:16.230
  • to, depending on chemistry to
  • 00:26:16.230 --> 00:26:19.040
  • build a meaningful relationship,
  • 00:26:19.040 --> 00:26:21.140
  • that is a factor,
  • 00:26:21.140 --> 00:26:22.190
  • but it's not the factor.
  • 00:26:22.190 --> 00:26:23.210
  • Is chemistry only physical?
  • 00:26:23.210 --> 00:26:25.230
  • - John: I think so.
  • 00:26:25.230 --> 00:26:27.000
  • - Helen: Do you?
  • 00:26:27.000 --> 00:26:27.220
  • - John: Yeah, I think--
  • 00:26:27.220 --> 00:26:28.120
  • - Niyah: So when we say,
  • 00:26:28.120 --> 00:26:29.130
  • "Chemistry," we're talkin'
  • 00:26:29.130 --> 00:26:30.100
  • about, "I am physically
  • 00:26:30.100 --> 00:26:31.080
  • attracted to you."
  • 00:26:31.080 --> 00:26:32.060
  • - John: Yeah, we're talkin'
  • 00:26:32.060 --> 00:26:32.260
  • about hormones that are,
  • 00:26:32.260 --> 00:26:34.030
  • you know, the fireworks are
  • 00:26:34.030 --> 00:26:35.080
  • goin' off and you're feeling,
  • 00:26:35.080 --> 00:26:36.170
  • like, "Wow."
  • 00:26:36.170 --> 00:26:37.030
  • You know, you touch the person
  • 00:26:37.030 --> 00:26:38.250
  • and there's electricity there.
  • 00:26:38.250 --> 00:26:40.070
  • I think that's feelings.
  • 00:26:40.070 --> 00:26:42.290
  • - Helen: That would be
  • 00:26:42.290 --> 00:26:43.170
  • the main thing, but I also think
  • 00:26:43.170 --> 00:26:44.240
  • chemistry is things like,
  • 00:26:44.240 --> 00:26:46.180
  • "We really feel this,
  • 00:26:46.180 --> 00:26:47.250
  • there's an intrigue, and that
  • 00:26:47.250 --> 00:26:49.210
  • I love growing with you."
  • 00:26:49.210 --> 00:26:51.150
  • And I think that it's a lot more
  • 00:26:51.150 --> 00:26:53.140
  • than just, I mean,
  • 00:26:53.140 --> 00:26:54.150
  • the physical part of it.
  • 00:26:54.150 --> 00:26:55.200
  • - John: See, that's the
  • 00:26:55.200 --> 00:26:56.080
  • difference between
  • 00:26:56.080 --> 00:26:57.070
  • male and female,
  • 00:26:57.070 --> 00:26:57.250
  • [laughing]
  • 00:26:57.250 --> 00:26:59.020
  • you know?
  • 00:26:59.020 --> 00:26:59.190
  • To a female, the whole,
  • 00:27:03.110 --> 00:27:06.110
  • you know, feeling wonderful in
  • 00:27:06.110 --> 00:27:07.240
  • a relationship is so emotional.
  • 00:27:08.140 --> 00:27:11.140
  • To a guy, it's so physical.
  • 00:27:11.140 --> 00:27:13.230
  • And so--
  • 00:27:13.230 --> 00:27:14.120
  • - Helen: That would be true.
  • 00:27:14.120 --> 00:27:15.000
  • - John: So maybe that's why
  • 00:27:15.000 --> 00:27:15.250
  • we explained it so differently.
  • 00:27:15.250 --> 00:27:17.250
  • - Helen: But I still have
  • 00:27:17.250 --> 00:27:18.110
  • chemistry.
  • 00:27:18.110 --> 00:27:19.090
  • I fully have chemistry
  • 00:27:19.090 --> 00:27:20.100
  • and attraction for you.
  • 00:27:20.100 --> 00:27:21.050
  • - Niyah: Oh, yeah,
  • 00:27:21.050 --> 00:27:21.220
  • this is gettin' hot.
  • 00:27:21.220 --> 00:27:22.110
  • - Helen: He still walks
  • 00:27:22.110 --> 00:27:23.020
  • in the room and I'm like,
  • 00:27:23.020 --> 00:27:23.230
  • "Hello, I get to be married
  • 00:27:23.230 --> 00:27:24.180
  • to him."
  • 00:27:24.180 --> 00:27:25.230
  • Yeah.
  • 00:27:25.230 --> 00:27:26.140
  • You hate that.
  • 00:27:26.140 --> 00:27:27.030
  • You just hate when I say that.
  • 00:27:27.030 --> 00:27:29.020
  • - Niyah: It's gettin' hot
  • 00:27:29.020 --> 00:27:29.190
  • in here.
  • 00:27:29.190 --> 00:27:30.040
  • All right, now.
  • 00:27:30.040 --> 00:27:30.230
  • - John: I like it.
  • 00:27:30.230 --> 00:27:31.080
  • I like it a lot.
  • 00:27:31.080 --> 00:27:31.250
  • - Niyah: C'mon, well, after the
  • 00:27:31.250 --> 00:27:32.250
  • break, we enter into the world
  • 00:27:32.250 --> 00:27:34.050
  • of social media and discuss
  • 00:27:34.050 --> 00:27:35.120
  • what's trending online.
  • 00:27:35.120 --> 00:27:37.110
  • You don't wanna miss this.
  • 00:27:37.110 --> 00:27:38.180
  • - Niyah: Well,
  • 00:27:49.080 --> 00:27:50.020
  • welcome back to the show.
  • 00:27:50.020 --> 00:27:51.010
  • Now, this is a very exciting
  • 00:27:51.010 --> 00:27:53.000
  • segment because we can't deny
  • 00:27:53.000 --> 00:27:54.110
  • the impact of social media
  • 00:27:54.110 --> 00:27:56.100
  • on our lives.
  • 00:27:56.100 --> 00:27:57.070
  • We're discussing trending topics
  • 00:27:57.070 --> 00:27:59.030
  • on sex, love, and relationships.
  • 00:27:59.030 --> 00:28:02.050
  • And you'll be surprised what
  • 00:28:02.050 --> 00:28:03.050
  • people say and the questions
  • 00:28:03.050 --> 00:28:04.220
  • they put out there.
  • 00:28:04.220 --> 00:28:06.090
  • Let's see what our
  • 00:28:06.090 --> 00:28:06.290
  • first trending comment is.
  • 00:28:06.290 --> 00:28:09.180
  • "We cannot drive hate out.
  • 00:28:09.180 --> 00:28:11.170
  • Only love can do that."
  • 00:28:11.170 --> 00:28:13.110
  • I love this.
  • 00:28:13.110 --> 00:28:14.140
  • What do you guys think?
  • 00:28:14.140 --> 00:28:15.010
  • I agree, 100%.
  • 00:28:15.010 --> 00:28:16.000
  • - John: Think of our world
  • 00:28:16.000 --> 00:28:16.270
  • and what it would--you know,
  • 00:28:16.270 --> 00:28:19.100
  • the answer is love.
  • 00:28:19.100 --> 00:28:20.240
  • - Helen: Love is
  • 00:28:20.240 --> 00:28:21.140
  • the superpower.
  • 00:28:21.140 --> 00:28:22.200
  • It is the superpower
  • 00:28:22.200 --> 00:28:23.220
  • of the universe.
  • 00:28:23.220 --> 00:28:24.240
  • But I think love
  • 00:28:24.240 --> 00:28:25.280
  • that isn't firmly rooted
  • 00:28:25.280 --> 00:28:27.240
  • And I think sometimes we try to
  • 00:28:30.060 --> 00:28:32.080
  • love and we try to understand,
  • 00:28:32.080 --> 00:28:33.250
  • but we find that it's just,
  • 00:28:33.250 --> 00:28:34.290
  • we keep coming to the end
  • 00:28:34.290 --> 00:28:36.190
  • of ourselves.
  • 00:28:36.190 --> 00:28:37.130
  • And I know that's true for me,
  • 00:28:37.130 --> 00:28:39.010
  • and I have to draw on
  • 00:28:39.010 --> 00:28:39.290
  • God's love.
  • 00:28:39.290 --> 00:28:41.010
  • But this talking around hate,
  • 00:28:41.010 --> 00:28:43.080
  • I think we're living in a world
  • 00:28:43.080 --> 00:28:44.180
  • that we're hearing a lot
  • 00:28:44.180 --> 00:28:45.270
  • of commentary and
  • 00:28:45.270 --> 00:28:46.290
  • a lot of just language of hate.
  • 00:28:47.180 --> 00:28:50.180
  • And I think it comes
  • 00:28:50.180 --> 00:28:51.250
  • out of fear.
  • 00:28:51.250 --> 00:28:52.210
  • Don't you think?
  • 00:28:52.210 --> 00:28:53.070
  • - Niyah: Oh, wow, yeah, 100%.
  • 00:28:53.070 --> 00:28:54.080
  • I mean, look at our nation now
  • 00:28:54.080 --> 00:28:55.270
  • and where it's at, you know,
  • 00:28:55.270 --> 00:28:57.080
  • with all these injustices
  • 00:28:57.080 --> 00:28:58.090
  • going around.
  • 00:28:58.090 --> 00:28:59.240
  • It's sad.
  • 00:28:59.240 --> 00:29:00.210
  • It's sad, and you know, and
  • 00:29:00.210 --> 00:29:01.230
  • we need to be a people of love,
  • 00:29:01.230 --> 00:29:03.010
  • right?
  • 00:29:03.010 --> 00:29:03.170
  • A people of compassion,
  • 00:29:03.170 --> 00:29:04.220
  • being able to enter in
  • 00:29:04.220 --> 00:29:05.250
  • to feel the pain that they feel,
  • 00:29:05.250 --> 00:29:08.130
  • you know?
  • 00:29:08.130 --> 00:29:09.070
  • And what do you guys say to,
  • 00:29:09.070 --> 00:29:10.170
  • you know, something like this,
  • 00:29:10.170 --> 00:29:11.270
  • or say to people, you know what
  • 00:29:11.270 --> 00:29:13.060
  • I'm saying, when they wanna,
  • 00:29:13.060 --> 00:29:14.090
  • you know, come alongside those
  • 00:29:14.090 --> 00:29:15.110
  • who are hurting?
  • 00:29:15.110 --> 00:29:16.050
  • It's love, right?
  • 00:29:16.050 --> 00:29:17.030
  • Love that will--
  • 00:29:17.030 --> 00:29:17.220
  • - Helen: It is.
  • 00:29:17.220 --> 00:29:18.070
  • Love wins.
  • 00:29:18.070 --> 00:29:18.240
  • - Niyah: Love wins.
  • 00:29:18.240 --> 00:29:19.090
  • - John: You said, you know,
  • 00:29:19.090 --> 00:29:19.260
  • fear.
  • 00:29:19.260 --> 00:29:20.120
  • And I think what people
  • 00:29:20.210 --> 00:29:23.210
  • don't understand they fear.
  • 00:29:23.210 --> 00:29:26.040
  • And in order to kinda protect
  • 00:29:26.260 --> 00:29:29.260
  • themself, they put the wall up,
  • 00:29:29.260 --> 00:29:31.080
  • and they put the defense up,
  • 00:29:31.080 --> 00:29:32.130
  • and all kinds of negative things
  • 00:29:32.130 --> 00:29:34.010
  • happen.
  • 00:29:34.010 --> 00:29:34.180
  • And the Bible tells us that,
  • 00:29:34.180 --> 00:29:35.240
  • "Perfect love casts out fear."
  • 00:29:35.240 --> 00:29:37.200
  • There's only one answer.
  • 00:29:37.200 --> 00:29:38.230
  • And to me, a lot of the reason
  • 00:29:39.150 --> 00:29:42.150
  • I think that we got people
  • 00:29:42.150 --> 00:29:44.110
  • in the world that are hurting
  • 00:29:44.110 --> 00:29:46.100
  • other people is they don't know
  • 00:29:46.100 --> 00:29:48.000
  • how to love.
  • 00:29:48.000 --> 00:29:48.160
  • They've never seen it before.
  • 00:29:48.160 --> 00:29:49.260
  • Like, if you've never grown up
  • 00:29:49.260 --> 00:29:50.290
  • in a family where you saw love,
  • 00:29:50.290 --> 00:29:53.200
  • you can't have love.
  • 00:29:53.200 --> 00:29:55.080
  • You can't have
  • 00:29:55.080 --> 00:29:56.010
  • what you can't see.
  • 00:29:56.010 --> 00:29:57.130
  • You first have to have a vision.
  • 00:29:57.130 --> 00:29:58.220
  • You have to see
  • 00:29:58.220 --> 00:29:59.120
  • what it really looks like.
  • 00:29:59.120 --> 00:30:00.140
  • And then with that desire,
  • 00:30:00.140 --> 00:30:02.060
  • "I wanna be like that,"
  • 00:30:02.060 --> 00:30:03.130
  • you get on this road that,
  • 00:30:03.130 --> 00:30:04.190
  • "I'm going to be like that."
  • 00:30:04.190 --> 00:30:06.270
  • And I think that's, you know,
  • 00:30:06.270 --> 00:30:08.220
  • to me, that's playing life,
  • 00:30:08.220 --> 00:30:10.140
  • or playing this thing called
  • 00:30:10.140 --> 00:30:12.040
  • life in offensive mode,
  • 00:30:12.040 --> 00:30:14.060
  • "I wanna be like that,"
  • 00:30:14.060 --> 00:30:15.240
  • instead of playing
  • 00:30:15.240 --> 00:30:16.170
  • in defense,
  • 00:30:16.170 --> 00:30:17.040
  • "I don't wanna be like that."
  • 00:30:17.040 --> 00:30:18.280
  • If you keep tellin' people
  • 00:30:18.280 --> 00:30:19.220
  • what not to do,
  • 00:30:19.220 --> 00:30:20.270
  • they'll just do more of it.
  • 00:30:20.270 --> 00:30:22.050
  • But you give people a vision
  • 00:30:22.050 --> 00:30:23.100
  • of what to do, give 'em a vision
  • 00:30:23.100 --> 00:30:24.210
  • of what real love looks like.
  • 00:30:24.210 --> 00:30:27.140
  • I think even this television
  • 00:30:27.140 --> 00:30:29.030
  • show, and we've done television
  • 00:30:29.030 --> 00:30:30.110
  • for years, and I think one of
  • 00:30:30.110 --> 00:30:31.240
  • the best things that happens is,
  • 00:30:31.240 --> 00:30:34.200
  • hopefully, you know,
  • 00:30:34.200 --> 00:30:35.140
  • we're not perfect,
  • 00:30:35.140 --> 00:30:36.130
  • but we do love each other.
  • 00:30:36.130 --> 00:30:38.020
  • Forty-two years, and gone
  • 00:30:38.020 --> 00:30:39.260
  • through lots of stuff, and
  • 00:30:39.260 --> 00:30:41.070
  • it's a vision of what love is.
  • 00:30:41.080 --> 00:30:44.080
  • And I think that vision is
  • 00:30:44.080 --> 00:30:46.050
  • the best defense against all
  • 00:30:46.050 --> 00:30:48.110
  • the negative stuff.
  • 00:30:48.110 --> 00:30:49.200
  • I don't think people realize
  • 00:30:49.200 --> 00:30:51.190
  • how good a life you could have.
  • 00:30:51.190 --> 00:30:53.170
  • 'Cause the best life possible
  • 00:30:53.170 --> 00:30:56.000
  • is a life of love.
  • 00:30:56.000 --> 00:30:58.210
  • 'Cause God is love
  • 00:30:58.210 --> 00:30:59.190
  • and that's what he's given us.
  • 00:30:59.190 --> 00:31:00.260
  • - Niyah: And we've gotta show
  • 00:31:00.260 --> 00:31:01.160
  • you the world the love of God,
  • 00:31:01.160 --> 00:31:02.220
  • right?
  • 00:31:02.220 --> 00:31:03.100
  • - Helen: Yeah.
  • 00:31:03.100 --> 00:31:03.250
  • - Niyah: Amen, amen.
  • 00:31:03.250 --> 00:31:04.290
  • Our next topic we have here:
  • 00:31:04.290 --> 00:31:06.100
  • "If you love someone, tell them
  • 00:31:06.100 --> 00:31:07.280
  • because hearts are often broken
  • 00:31:07.280 --> 00:31:10.000
  • by words left unspoken."
  • 00:31:10.000 --> 00:31:12.140
  • That sounds like a song.
  • 00:31:12.140 --> 00:31:14.050
  • - John: Yeah.
  • 00:31:14.050 --> 00:31:15.080
  • You know, the principle, and
  • 00:31:15.080 --> 00:31:16.290
  • you'll hear us say this many,
  • 00:31:16.290 --> 00:31:18.070
  • many times.
  • 00:31:18.070 --> 00:31:19.060
  • Silence is not silent.
  • 00:31:19.060 --> 00:31:21.110
  • Silence is not silent.
  • 00:31:21.110 --> 00:31:23.000
  • It screams.
  • 00:31:23.000 --> 00:31:24.050
  • And if you need to say those
  • 00:31:24.050 --> 00:31:26.030
  • words and you don't say it,
  • 00:31:26.030 --> 00:31:28.020
  • people are hearing something.
  • 00:31:28.020 --> 00:31:30.170
  • But they're not hearing
  • 00:31:30.170 --> 00:31:31.050
  • those words.
  • 00:31:31.050 --> 00:31:31.200
  • They're hearing the opposite.
  • 00:31:31.200 --> 00:31:32.250
  • We all have an enemy.
  • 00:31:32.250 --> 00:31:34.020
  • And the devil sits right there,
  • 00:31:34.020 --> 00:31:35.000
  • and he'll fill in the blanks.
  • 00:31:35.000 --> 00:31:37.010
  • If you don't say what needs
  • 00:31:37.010 --> 00:31:39.110
  • to be said, he'll tell you
  • 00:31:39.110 --> 00:31:40.150
  • what you're saying.
  • 00:31:40.150 --> 00:31:41.240
  • But he's a liar.
  • 00:31:41.240 --> 00:31:42.240
  • He'll tell you the opposite
  • 00:31:42.240 --> 00:31:43.220
  • of what you're saying.
  • 00:31:43.220 --> 00:31:44.120
  • - Niyah: But why don't we say
  • 00:31:44.120 --> 00:31:45.060
  • these things
  • 00:31:45.060 --> 00:31:45.240
  • that need to be said?
  • 00:31:45.240 --> 00:31:46.180
  • Why can't we tell 'em?
  • 00:31:46.180 --> 00:31:47.100
  • - Helen: I'm gonna bring this
  • 00:31:47.100 --> 00:31:48.000
  • up because I think that you're
  • 00:31:48.000 --> 00:31:49.030
  • the perfect one to answer the,
  • 00:31:49.030 --> 00:31:50.100
  • "Why don't we say these things?"
  • 00:31:50.100 --> 00:31:51.280
  • I think it's often cultural.
  • 00:31:51.280 --> 00:31:54.000
  • I think that we sometimes think,
  • 00:31:54.000 --> 00:31:55.100
  • "Well, in our family,
  • 00:31:55.100 --> 00:31:56.050
  • we don't do that,
  • 00:31:56.050 --> 00:31:57.190
  • and we don't express love."
  • 00:31:57.190 --> 00:31:59.190
  • Like, I know John and I,
  • 00:31:59.190 --> 00:32:00.130
  • both of our parents,
  • 00:32:00.130 --> 00:32:02.070
  • sets of parents, loved us.
  • 00:32:02.070 --> 00:32:03.140
  • In our home it was expressed
  • 00:32:03.140 --> 00:32:05.000
  • a lot.
  • 00:32:05.000 --> 00:32:06.110
  • And I think, you know, in your
  • 00:32:06.110 --> 00:32:07.180
  • home, today I think of, you
  • 00:32:07.180 --> 00:32:08.210
  • know, your father just passed
  • 00:32:08.210 --> 00:32:09.240
  • away just over a week ago.
  • 00:32:09.240 --> 00:32:11.220
  • And the latter days were
  • 00:32:11.220 --> 00:32:13.080
  • filled with expressions of love,
  • 00:32:13.080 --> 00:32:15.030
  • but your earlier days weren't.
  • 00:32:15.030 --> 00:32:17.020
  • But I think you helped
  • 00:32:17.020 --> 00:32:17.250
  • your dad learn.
  • 00:32:17.250 --> 00:32:18.250
  • - John: Well,
  • 00:32:18.250 --> 00:32:19.190
  • he was never raised by a dad.
  • 00:32:19.190 --> 00:32:22.050
  • He didn't have a dad,
  • 00:32:22.050 --> 00:32:23.010
  • and he raised 11 kids.
  • 00:32:23.010 --> 00:32:24.020
  • And he didn't know
  • 00:32:24.020 --> 00:32:24.260
  • any different.
  • 00:32:24.260 --> 00:32:26.090
  • And I kinda had a chip
  • 00:32:26.090 --> 00:32:27.200
  • on my shoulder that,
  • 00:32:27.200 --> 00:32:28.180
  • "How come you never told me
  • 00:32:28.180 --> 00:32:29.110
  • that you're proud of me?
  • 00:32:29.110 --> 00:32:30.110
  • How come I never heard
  • 00:32:30.110 --> 00:32:31.060
  • those words?"
  • 00:32:31.060 --> 00:32:32.000
  • Until one day, I just called him
  • 00:32:32.000 --> 00:32:32.260
  • up on, it was Father's Day,
  • 00:32:32.260 --> 00:32:34.260
  • and I said,
  • 00:32:34.260 --> 00:32:35.200
  • "Dad, I got somethin' to say."
  • 00:32:35.200 --> 00:32:36.220
  • And he said, "What?"
  • 00:32:36.220 --> 00:32:37.130
  • And I said, "I just wanna tell
  • 00:32:37.130 --> 00:32:38.240
  • you that I'm glad you're my dad.
  • 00:32:38.240 --> 00:32:40.040
  • I love you."
  • 00:32:40.040 --> 00:32:41.070
  • And there was silence.
  • 00:32:41.070 --> 00:32:42.110
  • He'd never heard that.
  • 00:32:42.110 --> 00:32:43.250
  • And he came back with
  • 00:32:43.250 --> 00:32:45.040
  • this crackly voice, you know,
  • 00:32:45.040 --> 00:32:46.130
  • "I'm glad you're mine too.
  • 00:32:46.130 --> 00:32:47.110
  • I love you too."
  • 00:32:47.110 --> 00:32:48.250
  • That night we got together and
  • 00:32:48.250 --> 00:32:49.290
  • he said to me, "Have I ever told
  • 00:32:49.290 --> 00:32:52.050
  • you how proud of you I am?"
  • 00:32:52.050 --> 00:32:54.140
  • And you know,
  • 00:32:54.140 --> 00:32:56.030
  • you have to take over because
  • 00:32:56.030 --> 00:32:57.060
  • - Helen: Well, we just buried
  • 00:32:59.070 --> 00:33:00.090
  • him the other day.
  • 00:33:00.090 --> 00:33:01.240
  • But your dad did tell you that
  • 00:33:01.240 --> 00:33:03.000
  • day, "I'm proud of you, Johnny."
  • 00:33:03.000 --> 00:33:04.130
  • - John: And he hasn't stopped
  • 00:33:04.130 --> 00:33:05.100
  • telling me since.
  • 00:33:05.100 --> 00:33:06.100
  • Not just me,
  • 00:33:06.100 --> 00:33:06.280
  • but all my siblings.
  • 00:33:06.280 --> 00:33:08.120
  • He never had a vision of,
  • 00:33:08.120 --> 00:33:09.250
  • "How do you say those things?"
  • 00:33:09.250 --> 00:33:11.270
  • - Helen: But the thing was,
  • 00:33:11.270 --> 00:33:12.200
  • you did.
  • 00:33:12.200 --> 00:33:13.250
  • And it took courage for him
  • 00:33:13.250 --> 00:33:15.200
  • to break through what was normal
  • 00:33:15.200 --> 00:33:17.220
  • in his family.
  • 00:33:17.220 --> 00:33:18.260
  • Like, we don't do that.
  • 00:33:18.260 --> 00:33:20.010
  • John decided that, "I want that
  • 00:33:20.010 --> 00:33:21.280
  • in the culture of our family."
  • 00:33:21.280 --> 00:33:23.030
  • And that day it changed.
  • 00:33:23.030 --> 00:33:24.150
  • And not only, so that was
  • 00:33:24.150 --> 00:33:25.210
  • probably 10 years ago.
  • 00:33:25.210 --> 00:33:27.060
  • But that changed everything, and
  • 00:33:27.060 --> 00:33:29.090
  • every one of us heard it often
  • 00:33:29.090 --> 00:33:31.030
  • from his dad, "I'm proud of you,
  • 00:33:31.030 --> 00:33:32.200
  • and I love you."
  • 00:33:32.200 --> 00:33:33.200
  • And it's like, "Let's speak it."
  • 00:33:33.200 --> 00:33:34.250
  • - Niyah: How important is that,
  • 00:33:34.250 --> 00:33:35.280
  • for it to be spoken?
  • 00:33:35.280 --> 00:33:37.080
  • You know, especially because
  • 00:33:37.080 --> 00:33:38.290
  • some cultures,
  • 00:33:38.290 --> 00:33:40.010
  • you know you don't say it.
  • 00:33:40.010 --> 00:33:40.290
  • You just show it, you know?
  • 00:33:40.290 --> 00:33:42.000
  • You know,
  • 00:33:42.000 --> 00:33:42.180
  • "I put a roof over your head.
  • 00:33:42.180 --> 00:33:43.280
  • I, you know, I worked so hard.
  • 00:33:43.280 --> 00:33:45.210
  • Yes, I love you," you know?
  • 00:33:45.210 --> 00:33:47.070
  • So it's, you know, it's assumed.
  • 00:33:47.070 --> 00:33:48.260
  • You should assume
  • 00:33:48.260 --> 00:33:49.200
  • that I love you.
  • 00:33:49.200 --> 00:33:50.130
  • But how important is it for us,
  • 00:33:50.130 --> 00:33:52.000
  • you know, whether it be parents,
  • 00:33:52.000 --> 00:33:53.230
  • you know, or a spouse,
  • 00:33:53.230 --> 00:33:55.020
  • or whatever it is, to say it?
  • 00:33:55.020 --> 00:33:57.070
  • - John: Well, again,
  • 00:33:57.070 --> 00:33:57.260
  • you have to recognize
  • 00:33:57.260 --> 00:33:58.200
  • if you're not saying it,
  • 00:33:58.200 --> 00:33:59.200
  • they are hearing something.
  • 00:33:59.200 --> 00:34:01.080
  • But it's not coming from you.
  • 00:34:01.080 --> 00:34:02.030
  • It's coming from the liar.
  • 00:34:02.030 --> 00:34:03.210
  • So for kids, if they don't hear,
  • 00:34:03.210 --> 00:34:05.010
  • "I'm proud of you,"
  • 00:34:05.010 --> 00:34:06.100
  • they're hearing that,
  • 00:34:06.100 --> 00:34:08.060
  • "He's not proud of me."
  • 00:34:08.060 --> 00:34:09.250
  • That's why every child,
  • 00:34:09.250 --> 00:34:10.290
  • there's this absolute vital need
  • 00:34:11.030 --> 00:34:14.030
  • to hear from dad, "I love you.
  • 00:34:15.030 --> 00:34:18.030
  • I'm proud of you."
  • 00:34:18.030 --> 00:34:18.260
  • From mom, "I love you.
  • 00:34:18.260 --> 00:34:19.230
  • I'm proud of you."
  • 00:34:19.230 --> 00:34:20.270
  • Just words that, if you don't
  • 00:34:20.270 --> 00:34:22.270
  • speak those words--I know,
  • 00:34:23.000 --> 00:34:26.000
  • sometimes I'll teach about dads
  • 00:34:26.000 --> 00:34:28.190
  • and I'll have an altar call,
  • 00:34:28.190 --> 00:34:30.120
  • "If you've never heard your dad
  • 00:34:30.120 --> 00:34:31.150
  • tell you, 'I love you,'
  • 00:34:31.150 --> 00:34:34.060
  • tell you, 'I'm proud of you,'
  • 00:34:34.060 --> 00:34:35.230
  • then I'd love to pray for you.
  • 00:34:35.230 --> 00:34:37.130
  • I'd love to be that dad."
  • 00:34:37.130 --> 00:34:39.040
  • And I've seen
  • 00:34:39.040 --> 00:34:40.270
  • 80 and 90-year-old men weeping
  • 00:34:42.020 --> 00:34:45.020
  • 'cause they never heard that.
  • 00:34:45.020 --> 00:34:46.180
  • And that's, like,
  • 00:34:46.180 --> 00:34:47.120
  • long after their dads are gone.
  • 00:34:47.120 --> 00:34:49.030
  • That's how vital
  • 00:34:49.030 --> 00:34:50.050
  • those words are.
  • 00:34:50.050 --> 00:34:51.180
  • - Niyah: Well, how do you--?
  • 00:34:51.180 --> 00:34:52.190
  • Say, if you are a parent, and
  • 00:34:52.190 --> 00:34:54.190
  • you just grew up without it, you
  • 00:34:54.190 --> 00:34:56.210
  • know, being, you know, you heard
  • 00:34:56.210 --> 00:34:58.170
  • that from your parents, or what
  • 00:34:58.170 --> 00:34:59.230
  • have you, and now you have
  • 00:34:59.230 --> 00:35:01.110
  • children and it's not your
  • 00:35:01.110 --> 00:35:02.170
  • natural, your norm, to now say
  • 00:35:02.170 --> 00:35:04.070
  • it to your children because you,
  • 00:35:04.070 --> 00:35:05.140
  • you know, you expect them
  • 00:35:05.140 --> 00:35:06.210
  • to know that you,
  • 00:35:06.210 --> 00:35:08.070
  • that, you know, you love them.
  • 00:35:08.070 --> 00:35:10.180
  • But how do you now break out
  • 00:35:10.180 --> 00:35:12.040
  • of that and now start to--?
  • 00:35:12.040 --> 00:35:13.130
  • - John: Well,
  • 00:35:13.130 --> 00:35:13.280
  • the same way I did.
  • 00:35:13.280 --> 00:35:14.270
  • You actually have to push
  • 00:35:14.270 --> 00:35:15.240
  • through it.
  • 00:35:15.240 --> 00:35:16.090
  • 'Cause I never heard it.
  • 00:35:16.090 --> 00:35:17.100
  • I never seen it.
  • 00:35:17.100 --> 00:35:18.050
  • But I just know it needed
  • 00:35:18.050 --> 00:35:19.100
  • to happen.
  • 00:35:19.100 --> 00:35:20.080
  • And I think it starts
  • 00:35:20.080 --> 00:35:21.180
  • with a vision.
  • 00:35:21.180 --> 00:35:22.250
  • And I think this show,
  • 00:35:22.250 --> 00:35:24.150
  • even these words right now,
  • 00:35:24.150 --> 00:35:25.230
  • I'm just prayin' that
  • 00:35:25.230 --> 00:35:26.200
  • there's people watching that
  • 00:35:26.200 --> 00:35:28.140
  • this is your experience.
  • 00:35:28.140 --> 00:35:30.280
  • And I think you just need to do
  • 00:35:30.280 --> 00:35:32.120
  • what I did.
  • 00:35:32.120 --> 00:35:33.090
  • Pick up the phone
  • 00:35:33.090 --> 00:35:34.130
  • and call your dad.
  • 00:35:34.130 --> 00:35:35.170
  • Call your mom.
  • 00:35:35.170 --> 00:35:36.190
  • And you might never have
  • 00:35:36.190 --> 00:35:38.070
  • heard it, but why not start?
  • 00:35:38.070 --> 00:35:39.230
  • And if you do like I did,
  • 00:35:39.230 --> 00:35:42.140
  • my dad didn't start lovin' me
  • 00:35:42.140 --> 00:35:44.110
  • or bein' proud of me that day.
  • 00:35:44.110 --> 00:35:46.160
  • He just found permission
  • 00:35:46.160 --> 00:35:48.210
  • by vision to be able to say
  • 00:35:48.210 --> 00:35:50.160
  • those words.
  • 00:35:50.160 --> 00:35:51.140
  • And you know who got the most
  • 00:35:51.140 --> 00:35:52.150
  • of it?
  • 00:35:52.150 --> 00:35:53.100
  • I know I got a lot,
  • 00:35:53.100 --> 00:35:54.180
  • but he got more.
  • 00:35:54.180 --> 00:35:55.270
  • - Niyah: Wow.
  • 00:35:55.270 --> 00:35:56.200
  • John and Helen.
  • 00:35:56.200 --> 00:35:57.070
  • I love all the godly wisdom.
  • 00:35:57.070 --> 00:35:59.120
  • I love what you're sharing.
  • 00:35:59.120 --> 00:36:00.160
  • This is pretty deep, and
  • 00:36:00.160 --> 00:36:02.150
  • I love just talking about this,
  • 00:36:02.150 --> 00:36:04.200
  • you know?
  • 00:36:04.200 --> 00:36:05.060
  • You never know what
  • 00:36:05.060 --> 00:36:05.260
  • conversations are gonna go here.
  • 00:36:05.260 --> 00:36:07.100
  • So stay tuned.
  • 00:36:07.100 --> 00:36:08.230
  • We have our studio audience here
  • 00:36:08.230 --> 00:36:11.190
  • with us to ask John and Helen
  • 00:36:11.190 --> 00:36:13.280
  • some questions about
  • 00:36:13.280 --> 00:36:15.010
  • sex, love, and relationships.
  • 00:36:15.010 --> 00:36:16.240
  • You're not gonna wanna
  • 00:36:16.240 --> 00:36:17.170
  • [music]
  • 00:36:25.090 --> 00:36:28.090
  • - Niyah: Welcome back
  • 00:36:28.090 --> 00:36:28.290
  • to the show, and welcome
  • 00:36:28.290 --> 00:36:29.270
  • to our studio audience.
  • 00:36:29.270 --> 00:36:31.090
  • John and Helen, talk to us.
  • 00:36:31.090 --> 00:36:32.260
  • You're here, welcome.
  • 00:36:32.260 --> 00:36:34.110
  • - Helen: Thanks for having us.
  • 00:36:34.110 --> 00:36:35.090
  • - John: Lookin' forward
  • 00:36:35.090 --> 00:36:35.240
  • to this.
  • 00:36:35.240 --> 00:36:36.090
  • - Niyah: You ready?
  • 00:36:36.090 --> 00:36:36.240
  • - both: Yes.
  • 00:36:36.240 --> 00:36:37.090
  • - Niyah: Our first question
  • 00:36:37.090 --> 00:36:38.040
  • for today.
  • 00:36:38.040 --> 00:36:39.090
  • - female: This isn't towards
  • 00:36:39.090 --> 00:36:40.010
  • all women, but me, as a women,
  • 00:36:40.010 --> 00:36:41.250
  • I always feel the urge to be
  • 00:36:41.250 --> 00:36:43.060
  • right in a conflict
  • 00:36:43.060 --> 00:36:44.120
  • or an argument with my partner.
  • 00:36:44.120 --> 00:36:47.060
  • But what do you do when both
  • 00:36:47.060 --> 00:36:49.000
  • partners are very stubborn and
  • 00:36:49.000 --> 00:36:50.270
  • don't really know how
  • 00:36:50.270 --> 00:36:53.100
  • - Helen: Well, first of all,
  • 00:36:56.250 --> 00:36:57.130
  • we've never dealt with this
  • 00:36:57.130 --> 00:36:58.230
  • our entire married life.
  • 00:36:59.080 --> 00:37:02.100
  • - Niyah: Such a good question.
  • 00:37:02.100 --> 00:37:03.070
  • - Helen: No, two most stubborn
  • 00:37:03.070 --> 00:37:04.020
  • you've ever met.
  • 00:37:04.020 --> 00:37:04.210
  • I'm kidding.
  • 00:37:04.210 --> 00:37:05.190
  • We have argued our faces off.
  • 00:37:05.190 --> 00:37:08.050
  • But we have learnt, I think,
  • 00:37:08.050 --> 00:37:11.010
  • And it's really, really hard
  • 00:37:13.020 --> 00:37:14.140
  • to not want to be right.
  • 00:37:14.140 --> 00:37:16.030
  • I mean, everything about us is,
  • 00:37:16.030 --> 00:37:17.180
  • like, "I know I'm right."
  • 00:37:17.180 --> 00:37:18.200
  • And we genuinely believe it.
  • 00:37:19.250 --> 00:37:22.250
  • But I think that if one has
  • 00:37:22.250 --> 00:37:24.250
  • to be right and one has to be
  • 00:37:24.250 --> 00:37:26.030
  • wrong, then we lose
  • 00:37:26.030 --> 00:37:27.210
  • in the relationship.
  • 00:37:27.210 --> 00:37:28.280
  • And it's just this constant
  • 00:37:28.280 --> 00:37:30.010
  • conflict, and we get more
  • 00:37:30.010 --> 00:37:31.150
  • stubborn and more stubborn.
  • 00:37:31.150 --> 00:37:32.260
  • I think stubborn's good.
  • 00:37:32.260 --> 00:37:34.210
  • But being stubborn about
  • 00:37:34.210 --> 00:37:35.210
  • the right thing is really,
  • 00:37:35.210 --> 00:37:36.250
  • really important.
  • 00:37:36.250 --> 00:37:37.260
  • And so we kind of use
  • 00:37:37.260 --> 00:37:39.050
  • the analogy of a boxing ring.
  • 00:37:39.050 --> 00:37:40.200
  • - John: First of all,
  • 00:37:42.250 --> 00:37:43.130
  • you have to understand
  • 00:37:43.130 --> 00:37:44.030
  • the goal of communication
  • 00:37:44.030 --> 00:37:45.100
  • is not to be right.
  • 00:37:45.100 --> 00:37:46.260
  • - Helen: No.
  • 00:37:46.260 --> 00:37:47.180
  • - John: It's to understand.
  • 00:37:47.180 --> 00:37:48.260
  • - Helen: Yep.
  • 00:37:48.260 --> 00:37:49.120
  • - John: And to understand,
  • 00:37:49.120 --> 00:37:50.270
  • you both win.
  • 00:37:50.270 --> 00:37:52.010
  • And so this is the way
  • 00:37:52.010 --> 00:37:53.030
  • I picture it.
  • 00:37:53.030 --> 00:37:54.020
  • If you have a tough conversation
  • 00:37:54.020 --> 00:37:55.180
  • that you need to talk about,
  • 00:37:55.180 --> 00:37:57.020
  • picture a boxing ring.
  • 00:37:57.020 --> 00:37:58.170
  • And you know how often we'll
  • 00:37:58.170 --> 00:38:00.130
  • both be in either, you know,
  • 00:38:00.130 --> 00:38:02.060
  • corner, and the bell rings,
  • 00:38:02.060 --> 00:38:03.100
  • and you come out sluggin',
  • 00:38:03.100 --> 00:38:04.180
  • and you--
  • 00:38:04.180 --> 00:38:05.100
  • - Helen: Not really.
  • 00:38:05.100 --> 00:38:05.260
  • - John: You know,
  • 00:38:05.260 --> 00:38:06.170
  • you hope that the best one wins.
  • 00:38:06.170 --> 00:38:08.080
  • And that's not what you want.
  • 00:38:08.080 --> 00:38:10.060
  • That is never going to be
  • 00:38:10.060 --> 00:38:11.190
  • productive.
  • 00:38:11.190 --> 00:38:12.160
  • What you wanna do is you want
  • 00:38:12.160 --> 00:38:13.200
  • to, when the bell rings, walk
  • 00:38:13.200 --> 00:38:15.060
  • around the ring, put your arm
  • 00:38:15.060 --> 00:38:16.130
  • around that other person,
  • 00:38:16.130 --> 00:38:17.240
  • and identify the issue.
  • 00:38:17.240 --> 00:38:19.050
  • - Helen: Yep.
  • 00:38:19.050 --> 00:38:19.230
  • - John: And then the two of you
  • 00:38:19.230 --> 00:38:20.170
  • and you come up with something
  • 00:38:22.180 --> 00:38:23.220
  • that can make a difference
  • 00:38:23.220 --> 00:38:24.220
  • in that life.
  • 00:38:24.220 --> 00:38:25.250
  • - male: So, I'm a single guy.
  • 00:38:26.060 --> 00:38:29.060
  • Always lookin' to see how I can
  • 00:38:29.060 --> 00:38:30.240
  • be able to approach the ladies
  • 00:38:30.240 --> 00:38:32.210
  • that I'm interested in,
  • 00:38:32.210 --> 00:38:33.250
  • and effectively.
  • 00:38:33.250 --> 00:38:34.270
  • What's the best way to kinda
  • 00:38:34.270 --> 00:38:36.060
  • help men build up confidence
  • 00:38:36.060 --> 00:38:38.040
  • to kinda step up to women,
  • 00:38:38.040 --> 00:38:39.190
  • and kinda speak effectively,
  • 00:38:39.190 --> 00:38:41.190
  • and kinda share their heart?
  • 00:38:41.190 --> 00:38:44.020
  • - John: I think, you know,
  • 00:38:44.020 --> 00:38:45.010
  • thank you for asking that.
  • 00:38:45.010 --> 00:38:46.120
  • A lot of guys are just
  • 00:38:46.120 --> 00:38:47.170
  • really don't know how.
  • 00:38:47.170 --> 00:38:49.180
  • And what typically,
  • 00:38:49.180 --> 00:38:51.120
  • when a male--I hate to make
  • 00:38:51.120 --> 00:38:54.100
  • the differences, because you're
  • 00:38:54.100 --> 00:38:55.170
  • gonna find this translates
  • 00:38:55.170 --> 00:38:56.230
  • both ways.
  • 00:38:56.230 --> 00:38:57.200
  • But generally, when a male
  • 00:38:57.200 --> 00:38:59.160
  • doesn't know what to do,
  • 00:38:59.160 --> 00:39:01.220
  • about doing something,
  • 00:39:03.230 --> 00:39:04.230
  • he does nothing.
  • 00:39:04.230 --> 00:39:06.010
  • And that may be the reason
  • 00:39:06.010 --> 00:39:07.110
  • why a lot of women say,
  • 00:39:07.110 --> 00:39:08.100
  • "How come guys don't do
  • 00:39:08.100 --> 00:39:09.190
  • anything these days?"
  • 00:39:09.190 --> 00:39:10.220
  • It may be that this question
  • 00:39:10.220 --> 00:39:12.170
  • needs to be answered.
  • 00:39:12.170 --> 00:39:13.250
  • So how do you approach a woman?
  • 00:39:13.250 --> 00:39:16.030
  • And I think the best way is,
  • 00:39:16.230 --> 00:39:19.230
  • first of all,
  • 00:39:19.230 --> 00:39:20.170
  • you've got to know each other
  • 00:39:20.170 --> 00:39:22.020
  • in a bit of a social setting.
  • 00:39:22.020 --> 00:39:24.170
  • It's not just, you know, you see
  • 00:39:24.170 --> 00:39:26.070
  • somebody across the room and
  • 00:39:26.070 --> 00:39:27.190
  • you go over and ask her for her
  • 00:39:27.190 --> 00:39:29.150
  • phone number, and you're just
  • 00:39:29.150 --> 00:39:31.000
  • right into, you know, dating.
  • 00:39:31.000 --> 00:39:32.250
  • She's a little scared of that.
  • 00:39:32.250 --> 00:39:35.010
  • And if that was my daughter,
  • 00:39:35.010 --> 00:39:36.040
  • I'd teach her,
  • 00:39:36.040 --> 00:39:37.020
  • "Don't go that route."
  • 00:39:37.020 --> 00:39:38.160
  • But that's why I think church
  • 00:39:38.160 --> 00:39:40.080
  • and having groups where you can
  • 00:39:40.080 --> 00:39:42.190
  • actually see each other across
  • 00:39:42.190 --> 00:39:44.190
  • the way and get to know
  • 00:39:44.190 --> 00:39:46.000
  • each other a little bit.
  • 00:39:46.000 --> 00:39:47.190
  • And you know, it's a progress,
  • 00:39:49.280 --> 00:39:52.280
  • step by step, a journey.
  • 00:39:52.280 --> 00:39:54.260
  • And the thing that I've always
  • 00:39:54.260 --> 00:39:56.020
  • told, especially young people is
  • 00:39:56.020 --> 00:39:58.010
  • But do take that journey,
  • 00:40:01.230 --> 00:40:03.290
  • that step.
  • 00:40:03.290 --> 00:40:04.180
  • And so just to let her know,
  • 00:40:04.180 --> 00:40:06.060
  • you know,
  • 00:40:06.060 --> 00:40:06.230
  • "I'd like to have coffee 'cause,
  • 00:40:06.230 --> 00:40:07.230
  • you know,
  • 00:40:07.230 --> 00:40:08.140
  • I'd like to get to know you."
  • 00:40:08.140 --> 00:40:09.240
  • - Helen: I think it's, you, is
  • 00:40:09.240 --> 00:40:11.190
  • attractive to me if a male has
  • 00:40:11.190 --> 00:40:14.010
  • the confidence to come and
  • 00:40:14.010 --> 00:40:15.230
  • not feeling like he's a player,
  • 00:40:15.230 --> 00:40:17.180
  • like,
  • 00:40:17.180 --> 00:40:18.060
  • "Oh, I wanna get to know you."
  • 00:40:18.060 --> 00:40:19.080
  • Or, "Hey, you look hot today,"
  • 00:40:19.080 --> 00:40:20.280
  • and stuff like that.
  • 00:40:20.280 --> 00:40:21.250
  • I think that's one word
  • 00:40:21.250 --> 00:40:23.060
  • we use way too often.
  • 00:40:23.060 --> 00:40:24.260
  • But noticing something,
  • 00:40:24.260 --> 00:40:26.180
  • something about her,
  • 00:40:26.180 --> 00:40:28.010
  • and paying attention to that,
  • 00:40:28.010 --> 00:40:30.060
  • and just having the courage.
  • 00:40:30.060 --> 00:40:31.100
  • I think boldness, not
  • 00:40:31.100 --> 00:40:32.270
  • a brazenness, but a boldness,
  • 00:40:32.270 --> 00:40:35.120
  • is extraordinarily attractive
  • 00:40:35.120 --> 00:40:37.030
  • to a woman.
  • 00:40:37.030 --> 00:40:38.030
  • - John: So, "Hey, do you wanna
  • 00:40:38.030 --> 00:40:39.260
  • go for coffee?"
  • 00:40:39.260 --> 00:40:40.240
  • Not, "I wanna get to know you."
  • 00:40:40.240 --> 00:40:41.290
  • Just keep that--
  • 00:40:41.290 --> 00:40:43.160
  • - Niyah: Keep it light.
  • 00:40:43.160 --> 00:40:44.210
  • - Helen: Yeah,
  • 00:40:44.210 --> 00:40:45.080
  • "I wanna get to know you,"
  • 00:40:45.080 --> 00:40:46.010
  • is probably second date.
  • 00:40:46.010 --> 00:40:48.210
  • - Niyah: There you go.
  • 00:40:48.210 --> 00:40:49.120
  • - Helen: Third maybe.
  • 00:40:49.120 --> 00:40:50.140
  • - John: Okay.
  • 00:40:50.140 --> 00:40:51.050
  • - Niyah: Ooh, lovin' this.
  • 00:40:51.050 --> 00:40:52.020
  • - John: I'm learning.
  • 00:40:52.020 --> 00:40:52.240
  • I'm learning.
  • 00:40:52.240 --> 00:40:53.180
  • Okay.
  • 00:40:53.180 --> 00:40:54.080
  • - male: All right, so for
  • 00:40:54.080 --> 00:40:55.000
  • people in young or developing
  • 00:40:55.000 --> 00:40:56.220
  • relationships, how do they know
  • 00:40:56.220 --> 00:40:59.060
  • the difference between normal
  • 00:40:59.060 --> 00:41:01.270
  • conflicts, disagreements,
  • 00:41:01.270 --> 00:41:03.280
  • and where those cross a border
  • 00:41:03.280 --> 00:41:05.070
  • into abusive or inappropriate
  • 00:41:05.070 --> 00:41:07.290
  • behavior and they should exit
  • 00:41:07.290 --> 00:41:09.060
  • that relationship?
  • 00:41:09.060 --> 00:41:11.050
  • - Helen: Wow, that is such
  • 00:41:11.050 --> 00:41:12.080
  • a fantastic, fantastic question.
  • 00:41:12.080 --> 00:41:15.080
  • Not a simple answer.
  • 00:41:15.080 --> 00:41:16.240
  • Because every single
  • 00:41:16.240 --> 00:41:18.030
  • relationship is so unique,
  • 00:41:18.030 --> 00:41:20.020
  • and we're all coming from
  • 00:41:20.020 --> 00:41:21.290
  • a background
  • 00:41:21.290 --> 00:41:23.000
  • of where we've come from.
  • 00:41:23.000 --> 00:41:25.160
  • So if we've come from a really
  • 00:41:25.160 --> 00:41:27.100
  • confrontational, or even an
  • 00:41:27.100 --> 00:41:29.030
  • abusive, setting, something
  • 00:41:29.030 --> 00:41:30.270
  • that we would consider normal
  • 00:41:30.270 --> 00:41:32.210
  • can happen in a relationship
  • 00:41:32.210 --> 00:41:34.160
  • and we let it happen to us
  • 00:41:34.160 --> 00:41:35.240
  • over and over and over again.
  • 00:41:35.240 --> 00:41:37.230
  • I don't think until you really
  • 00:41:37.230 --> 00:41:39.030
  • get healthy on the inside, and
  • 00:41:39.030 --> 00:41:40.250
  • really know who you are, and
  • 00:41:40.250 --> 00:41:42.040
  • maybe have somebody walk it out
  • 00:41:42.040 --> 00:41:43.170
  • with you that can kinda help you
  • 00:41:43.170 --> 00:41:45.090
  • navigate it.
  • 00:41:45.090 --> 00:41:46.190
  • Because if, say if you
  • 00:41:46.190 --> 00:41:48.200
  • grew up in a home where
  • 00:41:48.200 --> 00:41:49.230
  • there was yelling all the time.
  • 00:41:49.230 --> 00:41:51.270
  • Now, that's normal,
  • 00:41:51.270 --> 00:41:53.120
  • but it's not right.
  • 00:41:53.120 --> 00:41:54.280
  • But it's normal.
  • 00:41:54.280 --> 00:41:56.050
  • And so I think you have to know
  • 00:41:56.050 --> 00:41:58.050
  • what your boundaries are.
  • 00:41:58.050 --> 00:41:59.060
  • Like, I know for John and I,
  • 00:41:59.060 --> 00:42:00.190
  • we came from very,
  • 00:42:00.190 --> 00:42:01.220
  • very different backgrounds.
  • 00:42:01.220 --> 00:42:03.000
  • And there was just some things
  • 00:42:03.000 --> 00:42:04.140
  • I would not tolerate.
  • 00:42:04.140 --> 00:42:06.130
  • And he's kinda looking at me,
  • 00:42:06.130 --> 00:42:07.170
  • like, "What's the problem?"
  • 00:42:07.170 --> 00:42:08.140
  • I'm like, "Stop yelling at me."
  • 00:42:08.140 --> 00:42:09.250
  • He's like, you know,
  • 00:42:09.250 --> 00:42:11.020
  • "I'm just talkin' to you."
  • 00:42:11.020 --> 00:42:12.130
  • And to me,
  • 00:42:12.130 --> 00:42:13.140
  • it didn't sound that way.
  • 00:42:13.140 --> 00:42:15.180
  • But I think that when you're
  • 00:42:15.180 --> 00:42:16.270
  • healthy on the inside, you know
  • 00:42:16.270 --> 00:42:19.080
  • how to be treated, you have an
  • 00:42:20.020 --> 00:42:23.020
  • expectation, and you actually
  • 00:42:23.020 --> 00:42:24.290
  • sometimes help people
  • 00:42:24.290 --> 00:42:26.240
  • on how to treat you.
  • 00:42:26.240 --> 00:42:28.200
  • In other words, say,
  • 00:42:28.200 --> 00:42:29.120
  • "Well, when you talk to me
  • 00:42:29.120 --> 00:42:30.150
  • that way, it feels like
  • 00:42:30.150 --> 00:42:32.100
  • you're yelling at me."
  • 00:42:32.100 --> 00:42:33.190
  • Or, "When you talk to me that
  • 00:42:33.190 --> 00:42:34.220
  • way, I don't wanna engage you,
  • 00:42:34.220 --> 00:42:37.040
  • because I don't feel like we're
  • 00:42:37.040 --> 00:42:38.260
  • actually having a conversation.
  • 00:42:38.260 --> 00:42:40.090
  • And so it's helping somebody.
  • 00:42:42.110 --> 00:42:43.170
  • - John: I think the key is
  • 00:42:43.170 --> 00:42:44.170
  • you gotta know who you are,
  • 00:42:44.170 --> 00:42:45.140
  • and respect yourself.
  • 00:42:45.140 --> 00:42:47.280
  • And then don't allow someone
  • 00:42:47.280 --> 00:42:49.110
  • to disrespect you,
  • 00:42:49.110 --> 00:42:50.130
  • whatever that behavior is.
  • 00:42:50.130 --> 00:42:52.130
  • And it may be a game changer
  • 00:42:52.130 --> 00:42:53.260
  • 'cause they can't change, or it
  • 00:42:53.260 --> 00:42:55.000
  • may be, you know, steps of
  • 00:42:55.000 --> 00:42:56.240
  • - Niyah: Now, right after the
  • 00:42:59.080 --> 00:43:00.180
  • break, John and Helen outline
  • 00:43:00.180 --> 00:43:01.230
  • their final messages on
  • 00:43:01.230 --> 00:43:03.090
  • the topic of single parenting.
  • 00:43:03.090 --> 00:43:05.160
  • - Niyah: Welcome back
  • 00:43:17.240 --> 00:43:18.130
  • to the show, where we're cover
  • 00:43:18.130 --> 00:43:19.140
  • everything surrounding
  • 00:43:19.140 --> 00:43:20.180
  • sex, love, and relationships.
  • 00:43:20.180 --> 00:43:23.090
  • Now, we've talked a lot about
  • 00:43:23.090 --> 00:43:24.160
  • love and relationships, but now
  • 00:43:24.160 --> 00:43:27.010
  • I said it again.
  • 00:43:29.030 --> 00:43:30.150
  • Yes, that's right, sex.
  • 00:43:30.150 --> 00:43:31.250
  • Oh my goodness, okay, I can't
  • 00:43:31.250 --> 00:43:33.060
  • believe we're saying that.
  • 00:43:33.060 --> 00:43:34.020
  • I'm hot.
  • 00:43:34.020 --> 00:43:34.200
  • Okay, but before we do this,
  • 00:43:34.200 --> 00:43:36.060
  • we couldn't resist asking our
  • 00:43:36.060 --> 00:43:37.190
  • studio audience members if they
  • 00:43:37.190 --> 00:43:39.070
  • would reveal their own insights
  • 00:43:39.070 --> 00:43:41.040
  • on sex, love, and relationships
  • 00:43:41.040 --> 00:43:42.200
  • for John and Helen.
  • 00:43:42.200 --> 00:43:43.280
  • - male: What are
  • 00:43:46.000 --> 00:43:46.130
  • your first words in the morning?
  • 00:43:46.130 --> 00:43:48.220
  • - female: Silence.
  • 00:43:48.220 --> 00:43:50.160
  • - male: Why do you think
  • 00:43:50.160 --> 00:43:51.040
  • good people cheat?
  • 00:43:51.040 --> 00:43:53.060
  • - female: Insecurity.
  • 00:43:53.060 --> 00:43:54.280
  • - male: What do you do
  • 00:43:54.280 --> 00:43:55.170
  • if you like someone?
  • 00:43:55.170 --> 00:43:58.060
  • - female: Let them pursue you.
  • 00:43:58.060 --> 00:44:01.060
  • - male: Do you think
  • 00:44:01.060 --> 00:44:01.250
  • sexting's okay?
  • 00:44:01.250 --> 00:44:02.190
  • - female: Never.
  • 00:44:02.190 --> 00:44:04.050
  • - male: What's a symbol
  • 00:44:04.050 --> 00:44:04.270
  • of being in love?
  • 00:44:04.270 --> 00:44:06.220
  • - female: Servanthood.
  • 00:44:06.220 --> 00:44:08.170
  • - male: Do you think opposites
  • 00:44:08.170 --> 00:44:09.060
  • can attract?
  • 00:44:09.060 --> 00:44:10.030
  • - female: Definitely.
  • 00:44:10.030 --> 00:44:11.140
  • - male: Should you text someone
  • 00:44:11.140 --> 00:44:12.050
  • right back?
  • 00:44:12.050 --> 00:44:13.260
  • - female: No.
  • 00:44:13.260 --> 00:44:14.230
  • - male: Do you think flirting
  • 00:44:14.230 --> 00:44:15.110
  • is cheating?
  • 00:44:15.110 --> 00:44:17.020
  • - female: If you're
  • 00:44:17.020 --> 00:44:17.270
  • in a committed relationship.
  • 00:44:17.270 --> 00:44:20.190
  • - male: If you could ask a man
  • 00:44:20.190 --> 00:44:21.140
  • one question, what would it be?
  • 00:44:21.210 --> 00:44:24.210
  • - female: I'm not gonna ask.
  • 00:44:24.210 --> 00:44:27.120
  • - male: Is being friends
  • 00:44:27.120 --> 00:44:28.000
  • with your ex okay?
  • 00:44:28.000 --> 00:44:29.030
  • - Niyah: Ooh.
  • 00:44:31.060 --> 00:44:31.230
  • - John: Wow.
  • 00:44:31.230 --> 00:44:32.130
  • - Helen: She knows who she is.
  • 00:44:32.130 --> 00:44:33.050
  • - Niyah: Oh, yeah,
  • 00:44:33.050 --> 00:44:34.090
  • she was hittin' hard there.
  • 00:44:34.090 --> 00:44:35.240
  • - Helen: Yeah, she sure does.
  • 00:44:35.240 --> 00:44:37.260
  • - John: Lots of interesting
  • 00:44:37.260 --> 00:44:38.190
  • things that she said.
  • 00:44:38.190 --> 00:44:39.150
  • If you go right back to
  • 00:44:39.150 --> 00:44:40.180
  • the last one though, you know,
  • 00:44:40.240 --> 00:44:43.240
  • It was the second last.
  • 00:44:45.250 --> 00:44:47.220
  • "Are you gonna ask him?"
  • 00:44:47.220 --> 00:44:48.190
  • And she said,
  • 00:44:48.190 --> 00:44:49.040
  • "I'm not gonna ask."
  • 00:44:49.040 --> 00:44:50.180
  • - Niyah: A question, yeah.
  • 00:44:50.180 --> 00:44:51.100
  • - John: That leaves me
  • 00:44:51.100 --> 00:44:51.260
  • thinking, "What?"
  • 00:44:51.260 --> 00:44:52.150
  • - Niyah: The question that you
  • 00:44:52.150 --> 00:44:53.080
  • would ask, you know, a male.
  • 00:44:53.080 --> 00:44:54.150
  • And she's like,
  • 00:44:54.150 --> 00:44:55.070
  • "Ooh, I'm not gonna ask."
  • 00:44:55.070 --> 00:44:56.160
  • It makes me, like, "Ooh,
  • 00:44:56.160 --> 00:44:57.100
  • what would you ask, girlfriend?"
  • 00:44:57.100 --> 00:44:58.190
  • - Helen: What would you ask?
  • 00:44:58.190 --> 00:45:00.060
  • - Niyah: You know, oh my--
  • 00:45:00.060 --> 00:45:01.140
  • you know what?
  • 00:45:01.140 --> 00:45:02.050
  • The first thing that kinda
  • 00:45:02.050 --> 00:45:03.020
  • caught my attention, I guess,
  • 00:45:03.020 --> 00:45:04.220
  • would be--
  • 00:45:04.220 --> 00:45:05.070
  • - John: I love that, "Caught."
  • 00:45:05.070 --> 00:45:06.030
  • - Niyah: Caught,
  • 00:45:06.030 --> 00:45:06.180
  • the New York is comin' out now.
  • 00:45:06.180 --> 00:45:07.220
  • - John: Caught your attention.
  • 00:45:07.220 --> 00:45:08.210
  • - Niyah: That caught my
  • 00:45:08.210 --> 00:45:09.120
  • attention would be, like,
  • 00:45:09.120 --> 00:45:10.120
  • if I was to ask a guy, like,
  • 00:45:10.120 --> 00:45:11.250
  • "How important is
  • 00:45:11.250 --> 00:45:14.150
  • physical attraction?
  • 00:45:14.150 --> 00:45:15.210
  • Is it everything, you know,
  • 00:45:15.210 --> 00:45:17.010
  • nowadays?
  • 00:45:17.010 --> 00:45:17.220
  • How do you get past that
  • 00:45:17.220 --> 00:45:18.220
  • as a Christian male?
  • 00:45:18.220 --> 00:45:21.000
  • You know what I'm saying?
  • 00:45:21.000 --> 00:45:21.230
  • To where you're not wrapped up
  • 00:45:21.230 --> 00:45:22.290
  • in that?
  • 00:45:22.290 --> 00:45:24.100
  • But how do you balance that?"
  • 00:45:24.100 --> 00:45:25.160
  • - John: Wow,
  • 00:45:25.160 --> 00:45:26.010
  • what would you ask?
  • 00:45:26.010 --> 00:45:26.220
  • One question?
  • 00:45:26.220 --> 00:45:28.240
  • - Helen: Well,
  • 00:45:28.240 --> 00:45:29.100
  • somebody asked me
  • 00:45:29.100 --> 00:45:29.290
  • what would I ask you currently.
  • 00:45:29.290 --> 00:45:31.020
  • And I said I would wanna know
  • 00:45:31.020 --> 00:45:32.260
  • what your dreams are.
  • 00:45:32.260 --> 00:45:33.280
  • What are you dreaming of
  • 00:45:33.280 --> 00:45:34.150
  • for the future?
  • 00:45:34.150 --> 00:45:35.120
  • Lots of years left,
  • 00:45:35.120 --> 00:45:36.180
  • and would love to know,
  • 00:45:36.180 --> 00:45:37.260
  • what are your innermost dreams?
  • 00:45:37.260 --> 00:45:39.190
  • - John: You don't think
  • 00:45:39.190 --> 00:45:40.040
  • you know?
  • 00:45:40.040 --> 00:45:40.220
  • - Helen: No, I think there's
  • 00:45:40.220 --> 00:45:41.100
  • still lots of stuff in there
  • 00:45:41.100 --> 00:45:42.060
  • that I don't know.
  • 00:45:42.060 --> 00:45:43.240
  • That--
  • 00:45:43.240 --> 00:45:44.220
  • - John: I'm dreamin' of playin'
  • 00:45:44.220 --> 00:45:46.010
  • my accordion on the--
  • 00:45:46.010 --> 00:45:48.140
  • - Helen: On the beach
  • 00:45:48.140 --> 00:45:49.000
  • in White Rock,
  • 00:45:49.000 --> 00:45:49.220
  • and I'm gonna be holding
  • 00:45:49.220 --> 00:45:50.110
  • the cup, and people are gonna be
  • 00:45:50.110 --> 00:45:51.110
  • throwing money it for me.
  • 00:45:51.110 --> 00:45:52.260
  • That's what it is.
  • 00:45:52.260 --> 00:45:53.170
  • That's your dream.
  • 00:45:53.170 --> 00:45:54.090
  • I'm afraid of that, actually,
  • 00:45:54.090 --> 00:45:56.000
  • because I think that
  • 00:45:56.000 --> 00:45:56.200
  • you would like to do that.
  • 00:45:56.200 --> 00:45:58.090
  • - Niyah: Oh, dear, well,
  • 00:45:58.090 --> 00:45:58.290
  • it might be another episode.
  • 00:45:58.290 --> 00:46:01.010
  • But now we get to the part
  • 00:46:01.010 --> 00:46:02.200
  • that you've been waiting for.
  • 00:46:02.200 --> 00:46:03.270
  • We get so many questions in,
  • 00:46:03.270 --> 00:46:05.140
  • but now here's a question
  • 00:46:05.140 --> 00:46:07.050
  • that we received about sex.
  • 00:46:07.050 --> 00:46:09.170
  • The question was:
  • 00:46:09.170 --> 00:46:10.140
  • "When do you talk to your kids
  • 00:46:10.140 --> 00:46:12.020
  • about sex?"
  • 00:46:12.020 --> 00:46:13.230
  • John and Helen?
  • 00:46:13.230 --> 00:46:14.100
  • - Helen: Ooh, I know you have
  • 00:46:14.100 --> 00:46:15.000
  • an opinion about that.
  • 00:46:15.000 --> 00:46:15.230
  • - John: Yeah,
  • 00:46:15.230 --> 00:46:16.100
  • I think it's a really,
  • 00:46:16.100 --> 00:46:16.270
  • really important question.
  • 00:46:16.270 --> 00:46:19.010
  • It's such an important topic.
  • 00:46:19.010 --> 00:46:20.180
  • And my answer's always this:
  • 00:46:20.180 --> 00:46:23.060
  • "You can't talk to early,
  • 00:46:23.060 --> 00:46:24.270
  • but you can talk too late."
  • 00:46:24.270 --> 00:46:26.140
  • What do you mean?
  • 00:46:26.140 --> 00:46:27.050
  • Well, if they're already hearing
  • 00:46:27.050 --> 00:46:28.120
  • it from others in negative
  • 00:46:28.120 --> 00:46:30.030
  • sense, now you've got to repair
  • 00:46:30.030 --> 00:46:32.230
  • what's been said.
  • 00:46:32.230 --> 00:46:33.230
  • Often it's a matter
  • 00:46:33.230 --> 00:46:35.130
  • of restoration.
  • 00:46:35.130 --> 00:46:36.130
  • But if you get there first, and
  • 00:46:36.130 --> 00:46:37.210
  • people say, "Well, what do you
  • 00:46:37.210 --> 00:46:38.280
  • mean talkin' to your kids early?
  • 00:46:38.280 --> 00:46:40.170
  • Like 5 years old?
  • 00:46:40.170 --> 00:46:42.120
  • They're gonna get
  • 00:46:42.120 --> 00:46:43.020
  • all these wrong thoughts."
  • 00:46:43.020 --> 00:46:43.270
  • No, no, no,
  • 00:46:43.270 --> 00:46:44.240
  • just recognize at 5 years old
  • 00:46:44.240 --> 00:46:46.140
  • they're not interested.
  • 00:46:46.140 --> 00:46:47.250
  • It's totally off their radar,
  • 00:46:47.250 --> 00:46:50.190
  • but what you're doing is
  • 00:46:50.190 --> 00:46:52.060
  • you're setting 'em up for when
  • 00:46:52.060 --> 00:46:53.120
  • they do become interested,
  • 00:46:53.120 --> 00:46:55.240
  • when there's the question mark
  • 00:46:55.240 --> 00:46:57.060
  • that's gonna hit their brain.
  • 00:46:57.060 --> 00:46:58.150
  • One of the things that years ago
  • 00:46:58.150 --> 00:47:00.130
  • I got to do was in Uganda speak
  • 00:47:00.130 --> 00:47:03.130
  • to hundreds of boys, 7 years old
  • 00:47:04.260 --> 00:47:07.260
  • till, I think 9, in that age
  • 00:47:07.260 --> 00:47:09.000
  • group, that were all orphans.
  • 00:47:09.000 --> 00:47:11.030
  • - Helen: I think they were up
  • 00:47:11.030 --> 00:47:11.210
  • to 12.
  • 00:47:11.210 --> 00:47:12.060
  • - Helen: Yeah, it could've
  • 00:47:12.060 --> 00:47:13.050
  • been, you know, later.
  • 00:47:13.050 --> 00:47:14.050
  • But they were all,
  • 00:47:14.050 --> 00:47:15.030
  • you know, orphans,
  • 00:47:15.030 --> 00:47:15.250
  • and they never had a dad.
  • 00:47:15.250 --> 00:47:17.010
  • So my job was tell them
  • 00:47:17.010 --> 00:47:19.000
  • about sex as, like,
  • 00:47:19.000 --> 00:47:20.170
  • you'd want a dad to talk to you.
  • 00:47:20.170 --> 00:47:22.070
  • So it was very interesting
  • 00:47:22.070 --> 00:47:24.000
  • 'cause the front row was all
  • 00:47:24.000 --> 00:47:25.010
  • the 7-year-olds, and they were
  • 00:47:25.010 --> 00:47:26.120
  • all bored out of their mind.
  • 00:47:26.120 --> 00:47:28.000
  • It's like, "Get this over with
  • 00:47:28.000 --> 00:47:29.190
  • so I can go play."
  • 00:47:29.190 --> 00:47:30.240
  • And the back row
  • 00:47:30.240 --> 00:47:31.260
  • was the 11 or 12-year-olds.
  • 00:47:31.260 --> 00:47:33.060
  • And they're on the edge of their
  • 00:47:33.060 --> 00:47:34.080
  • seat, like, totally, you know,
  • 00:47:34.080 --> 00:47:36.110
  • "I'm really listening."
  • 00:47:36.110 --> 00:47:38.120
  • And so that, to me,
  • 00:47:38.120 --> 00:47:40.170
  • it underlines, yes,
  • 00:47:40.170 --> 00:47:42.110
  • some of them aren't interested.
  • 00:47:42.110 --> 00:47:43.290
  • But the key is,
  • 00:47:43.290 --> 00:47:45.070
  • you can't talk too young.
  • 00:47:45.070 --> 00:47:46.290
  • - Helen: And here's my other
  • 00:47:46.290 --> 00:47:47.250
  • thought about talking to our
  • 00:47:47.250 --> 00:47:48.220
  • children about their sexuality
  • 00:47:48.220 --> 00:47:50.280
  • is the fact it's how
  • 00:47:50.280 --> 00:47:51.250
  • God created them,
  • 00:47:51.250 --> 00:47:53.000
  • but it's not one conversation.
  • 00:47:53.000 --> 00:47:55.000
  • I hear so many parents that say,
  • 00:47:55.000 --> 00:47:56.100
  • "We had the talk."
  • 00:47:56.100 --> 00:47:57.280
  • And I think there's an initial
  • 00:47:57.280 --> 00:47:59.140
  • conversation, and I think if you
  • 00:47:59.140 --> 00:48:01.020
  • talk with them earlier--like,
  • 00:48:01.020 --> 00:48:02.150
  • I often talk about my parents
  • 00:48:02.150 --> 00:48:03.240
  • talked to me about creation
  • 00:48:03.240 --> 00:48:05.260
  • and that I was created by God.
  • 00:48:05.260 --> 00:48:07.240
  • And then later on, I went to
  • 00:48:07.240 --> 00:48:08.220
  • a public high school that taught
  • 00:48:08.220 --> 00:48:10.080
  • us all about evolution and that
  • 00:48:10.080 --> 00:48:12.010
  • we didn't come from God.
  • 00:48:12.010 --> 00:48:13.210
  • But I already knew the truth
  • 00:48:13.210 --> 00:48:14.160
  • 'cause my parents
  • 00:48:14.160 --> 00:48:15.140
  • got there first.
  • 00:48:15.140 --> 00:48:16.260
  • But it wasn't just
  • 00:48:16.260 --> 00:48:17.280
  • one conversation.
  • 00:48:17.280 --> 00:48:19.090
  • It's an ongoing conversation.
  • 00:48:19.090 --> 00:48:20.280
  • As they're growing,
  • 00:48:20.280 --> 00:48:22.000
  • keep the conversation going.
  • 00:48:22.000 --> 00:48:23.110
  • It's not,
  • 00:48:23.110 --> 00:48:23.270
  • "Phew, done. Done the talk."
  • 00:48:23.270 --> 00:48:26.160
  • 'Cause I think many people are
  • 00:48:26.160 --> 00:48:27.190
  • waiting till they finally have
  • 00:48:27.190 --> 00:48:29.010
  • to do it, and then it's done.
  • 00:48:29.010 --> 00:48:31.050
  • It's an ongoing conversation,
  • 00:48:31.050 --> 00:48:32.110
  • in my mind.
  • 00:48:32.110 --> 00:48:33.040
  • - Niyah: Okay,
  • 00:48:33.040 --> 00:48:33.190
  • so I have to ask.
  • 00:48:33.190 --> 00:48:34.070
  • I'm not a parent yet,
  • 00:48:34.070 --> 00:48:34.270
  • but when I do become a parent,
  • 00:48:34.270 --> 00:48:36.290
  • what do I say?
  • 00:48:36.290 --> 00:48:37.230
  • What's the first thing that's--?
  • 00:48:37.230 --> 00:48:38.210
  • Just a tidbit on what's the,
  • 00:48:38.210 --> 00:48:40.090
  • how do I open this up?
  • 00:48:40.090 --> 00:48:41.170
  • I'm like, "Hey, here's Barbie.
  • 00:48:41.170 --> 00:48:43.200
  • Here's Ken, and do,"
  • 00:48:43.200 --> 00:48:45.110
  • you know what I'm sayin'?
  • 00:48:45.110 --> 00:48:46.090
  • What--?
  • 00:48:46.090 --> 00:48:46.240
  • - John: Well, they have books
  • 00:48:46.240 --> 00:48:47.220
  • that really do help you,
  • 00:48:47.220 --> 00:48:50.020
  • and I think they're really good.
  • 00:48:50.020 --> 00:48:51.270
  • But in general, you, you know,
  • 00:48:51.270 --> 00:48:54.070
  • it's really perfect when
  • 00:48:54.070 --> 00:48:55.010
  • you have a dad 'cause dads,
  • 00:48:55.010 --> 00:48:57.010
  • talk to your sons,
  • 00:48:57.010 --> 00:48:58.010
  • and basically,
  • 00:48:58.010 --> 00:48:58.220
  • tell 'em what you wish
  • 00:48:58.220 --> 00:48:59.130
  • somebody would've told you.
  • 00:48:59.130 --> 00:49:00.070
  • - Niyah: Well, what if I'm
  • 00:49:00.070 --> 00:49:00.240
  • a single parent, and I have a
  • 00:49:00.240 --> 00:49:02.090
  • little boy, and I'm trying to--?
  • 00:49:02.090 --> 00:49:04.220
  • - John: Right, now,
  • 00:49:04.220 --> 00:49:05.130
  • that's a bit of a challenge.
  • 00:49:05.130 --> 00:49:07.030
  • And that's where I think
  • 00:49:07.030 --> 00:49:08.130
  • the church comes in.
  • 00:49:08.130 --> 00:49:09.220
  • And in church, hopefully,
  • 00:49:09.220 --> 00:49:12.140
  • you're not in a church
  • 00:49:12.140 --> 00:49:13.050
  • that never talks about anything.
  • 00:49:13.050 --> 00:49:14.270
  • But you know, you can
  • 00:49:14.270 --> 00:49:16.200
  • bring it up to boy or girl.
  • 00:49:16.200 --> 00:49:19.010
  • But then you need to have,
  • 00:49:19.010 --> 00:49:20.230
  • hopefully, a man in his world
  • 00:49:20.230 --> 00:49:22.110
  • that he can, you know,
  • 00:49:22.110 --> 00:49:23.180
  • sit down and talk to.
  • 00:49:23.180 --> 00:49:24.130
  • Or a relative,
  • 00:49:24.130 --> 00:49:26.140
  • something that's safe.
  • 00:49:26.140 --> 00:49:28.230
  • - Helen: But as a mom,
  • 00:49:28.230 --> 00:49:29.180
  • if I had a young son,
  • 00:49:29.180 --> 00:49:31.140
  • I would absolutely talk to him.
  • 00:49:31.140 --> 00:49:33.070
  • But I would want to have
  • 00:49:33.070 --> 00:49:34.020
  • other strong male mentors
  • 00:49:34.020 --> 00:49:36.040
  • in his life as well.
  • 00:49:36.040 --> 00:49:37.200
  • But I don't think
  • 00:49:37.200 --> 00:49:38.100
  • we ever have to feel like,
  • 00:49:38.100 --> 00:49:39.110
  • "Oh, I can't talk to her
  • 00:49:39.110 --> 00:49:40.050
  • about it."
  • 00:49:40.050 --> 00:49:40.210
  • Or I know fathers, single dads,
  • 00:49:40.210 --> 00:49:42.020
  • feel like,
  • 00:49:42.020 --> 00:49:43.070
  • "My daughter, she's gonna have
  • 00:49:43.070 --> 00:49:44.020
  • her menstrual cycle.
  • 00:49:44.020 --> 00:49:45.060
  • How can I talk to her?"
  • 00:49:45.060 --> 00:49:45.280
  • Well, it'd be great
  • 00:49:45.280 --> 00:49:46.190
  • to have other women help
  • 00:49:46.190 --> 00:49:47.260
  • on that journey as well.
  • 00:49:47.260 --> 00:49:49.230
  • We can do this together.
  • 00:49:49.230 --> 00:49:50.170
  • - Niyah: So good.
  • 00:49:50.170 --> 00:49:51.030
  • So good.
  • 00:49:51.030 --> 00:49:51.180
  • Pastor John,
  • 00:49:51.180 --> 00:49:52.030
  • talk to us about today.
  • 00:49:52.030 --> 00:49:53.030
  • Today's episode,
  • 00:49:53.030 --> 00:49:54.180
  • it's a pretty heavy one.
  • 00:49:54.180 --> 00:49:55.210
  • - John: It is.
  • 00:49:55.210 --> 00:49:56.100
  • - Niyah: How would you sum up
  • 00:49:56.100 --> 00:49:57.050
  • today's conversations?
  • 00:49:57.050 --> 00:49:58.050
  • - John: Well, today we're
  • 00:49:58.050 --> 00:49:59.080
  • And first of all, let me
  • 00:50:01.100 --> 00:50:02.150
  • just say that single parents
  • 00:50:02.150 --> 00:50:03.280
  • are my heroes.
  • 00:50:03.280 --> 00:50:05.050
  • I think the most difficult,
  • 00:50:05.050 --> 00:50:06.230
  • challenging job on the planet
  • 00:50:06.230 --> 00:50:08.210
  • is called parenting.
  • 00:50:08.210 --> 00:50:09.280
  • And when you have to do it
  • 00:50:09.280 --> 00:50:11.060
  • on your own, wow.
  • 00:50:11.060 --> 00:50:12.110
  • And I think the answer,
  • 00:50:12.110 --> 00:50:14.120
  • so much, for single parents
  • 00:50:14.120 --> 00:50:16.140
  • is don't be on your own.
  • 00:50:16.140 --> 00:50:19.010
  • Actually bring more into
  • 00:50:19.010 --> 00:50:20.120
  • your being able to raise
  • 00:50:20.120 --> 00:50:22.260
  • your children.
  • 00:50:22.260 --> 00:50:23.200
  • And that's called church.
  • 00:50:23.200 --> 00:50:24.160
  • And I think church
  • 00:50:24.160 --> 00:50:25.120
  • is such a powerful part
  • 00:50:25.120 --> 00:50:26.240
  • of the answer in our world.
  • 00:50:26.240 --> 00:50:28.170
  • But as a single parent, okay?
  • 00:50:28.170 --> 00:50:30.060
  • So, say you're a single mom and
  • 00:50:30.060 --> 00:50:31.260
  • you have, you've had a marriage,
  • 00:50:31.260 --> 00:50:34.250
  • and it broke up,
  • 00:50:34.250 --> 00:50:35.210
  • and now you're a single mom.
  • 00:50:35.210 --> 00:50:36.250
  • It's really important
  • 00:50:36.250 --> 00:50:38.050
  • that you put your kids first and
  • 00:50:38.050 --> 00:50:39.160
  • recognize that they need to be
  • 00:50:39.160 --> 00:50:41.140
  • healthy in every way.
  • 00:50:41.140 --> 00:50:43.120
  • And so say you're a single mom
  • 00:50:43.120 --> 00:50:44.180
  • with a son.
  • 00:50:44.180 --> 00:50:46.060
  • What's the most important thing
  • 00:50:46.060 --> 00:50:47.080
  • you could give to that son?
  • 00:50:47.080 --> 00:50:48.160
  • Here's my answer.
  • 00:50:48.160 --> 00:50:49.130
  • A vision of healthy malehood.
  • 00:50:49.130 --> 00:50:51.170
  • And that means you don't diss
  • 00:50:51.170 --> 00:50:52.230
  • every male in the world to your
  • 00:50:52.230 --> 00:50:54.150
  • son, because he's never gonna
  • 00:50:54.150 --> 00:50:55.180
  • wanna grow up.
  • 00:50:55.180 --> 00:50:56.250
  • You wanna actually have heroes
  • 00:50:56.250 --> 00:50:58.090
  • in your world that you can give
  • 00:50:58.090 --> 00:51:00.120
  • as an image, as a vision,
  • 00:51:00.170 --> 00:51:03.170
  • for your son.
  • 00:51:03.170 --> 00:51:04.100
  • I think you need to raise your
  • 00:51:04.100 --> 00:51:05.250
  • children with a healthy vision
  • 00:51:05.250 --> 00:51:08.070
  • of the future.
  • 00:51:08.070 --> 00:51:09.170
  • And that means putting them
  • 00:51:09.170 --> 00:51:10.270
  • first, and for every single
  • 00:51:10.270 --> 00:51:12.130
  • And I know you do that.
  • 00:51:14.140 --> 00:51:15.200
  • That's why you really are
  • 00:51:15.200 --> 00:51:17.190
  • our heroes.
  • 00:51:17.190 --> 00:51:18.200
  • - Helen: Yeah.
  • 00:51:18.200 --> 00:51:19.070
  • - Niyah: So good.
  • 00:51:19.070 --> 00:51:19.280
  • I love this.
  • 00:51:19.280 --> 00:51:20.170
  • Thank you so much,
  • 00:51:20.170 --> 00:51:21.090
  • Pastor John and Helen,
  • 00:51:21.090 --> 00:51:22.000
  • for all your wisdom,
  • 00:51:22.000 --> 00:51:22.260
  • all your godly insight.
  • 00:51:22.260 --> 00:51:24.080
  • Now, of course, I know
  • 00:51:24.080 --> 00:51:25.280
  • we all love the lighter parts
  • 00:51:25.280 --> 00:51:27.000
  • of this show.
  • 00:51:27.000 --> 00:51:28.060
  • But we are aware
  • 00:51:28.060 --> 00:51:29.060
  • that these are real issues
  • 00:51:29.060 --> 00:51:30.210
  • that people deal with.
  • 00:51:30.210 --> 00:51:32.040
  • And if you're concerned about
  • 00:51:32.040 --> 00:51:33.030
  • a friend or a family member,
  • 00:51:33.030 --> 00:51:33.290
  • or even yourself, regarding
  • 00:51:33.290 --> 00:51:35.090
  • the topic of single parenting,
  • 00:51:35.090 --> 00:51:37.270
  • we encourage you to reach out
  • 00:51:37.270 --> 00:51:39.120
  • and to talk to someone.
  • 00:51:39.120 --> 00:51:41.010
  • Well, now, until next time,
  • 00:51:41.010 --> 00:51:42.090
  • be blessed, live large,
  • 00:51:42.090 --> 00:51:44.030
  • CC By Aberdeen Captioning 1-800-688-6621 www.abercap.com
  • 00:51:53.100 --> 00:51:55.100