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Sex, Love & Relationships

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March 14, 2017
51:57

Teens and Sex

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Sex, Love & Relationships

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  • - male announcer: The themes
  • 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.130
  • discussed in this episode do not
  • 00:00:01.130 --> 00:00:02.250
  • take into account your
  • 00:00:02.250 --> 00:00:04.000
  • specific situation or needs.
  • 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:06.000
  • If you or a family member
  • 00:00:06.000 --> 00:00:07.090
  • requires assistance or support,
  • 00:00:07.090 --> 00:00:09.040
  • please seek help from
  • 00:00:09.040 --> 00:00:10.000
  • - Niyah Rahmaan: Welcome to
  • 00:00:19.110 --> 00:00:20.010
  • "Sex, Love & Relationships," the
  • 00:00:20.010 --> 00:00:21.060
  • show where we discover answers
  • 00:00:21.060 --> 00:00:22.210
  • on choosing the right life
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  • partner, navigating the surging
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  • seas of social media, and yep,
  • 00:00:25.250 --> 00:00:27.210
  • you guessed it, sex.
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  • I know, I said the word "sex."
  • 00:00:29.150 --> 00:00:31.280
  • My name is Niyah and I'm joined
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  • by John and Helen Burns, our
  • 00:00:33.110 --> 00:00:34.270
  • relationship experts all the way
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  • from Canada.
  • 00:00:36.140 --> 00:00:38.130
  • John and Helen are a wealth of
  • 00:00:38.130 --> 00:00:39.150
  • knowledge when it comes to
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  • relationships.
  • 00:00:40.190 --> 00:00:41.190
  • They've had their own radio and
  • 00:00:41.190 --> 00:00:42.170
  • television show for years.
  • 00:00:42.170 --> 00:00:44.160
  • They're authors of award-winning
  • 00:00:44.160 --> 00:00:45.250
  • and best-selling relationship
  • 00:00:45.250 --> 00:00:47.130
  • books, and have been helping
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  • singles and couples navigate
  • 00:00:48.180 --> 00:00:50.030
  • through life for over 30 years.
  • 00:00:50.030 --> 00:00:53.010
  • Today we interview a very
  • 00:00:53.010 --> 00:00:54.070
  • special guest who counsels
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  • people in breaking the chains of
  • 00:00:55.120 --> 00:00:57.000
  • addiction, has spoken at
  • 00:00:57.000 --> 00:00:58.160
  • conferences all over the world,
  • 00:00:58.160 --> 00:01:00.260
  • and is a regular television
  • 00:01:00.260 --> 00:01:01.260
  • guest.
  • 00:01:01.260 --> 00:01:03.060
  • - Aaron Jayne: I think a lot of
  • 00:01:03.060 --> 00:01:03.280
  • kids today, we need to speak
  • 00:01:03.280 --> 00:01:04.260
  • greatness to them.
  • 00:01:04.260 --> 00:01:06.060
  • We gotta speak to what they can
  • 00:01:06.060 --> 00:01:08.000
  • be and what's possible in their
  • 00:01:08.000 --> 00:01:10.080
  • life because when they get a
  • 00:01:10.080 --> 00:01:11.180
  • vision for what they can be,
  • 00:01:11.180 --> 00:01:13.220
  • they have incredible discipline
  • 00:01:13.220 --> 00:01:15.120
  • - Niyah: Also coming up in this
  • 00:01:18.050 --> 00:01:18.250
  • show we have John and Helen
  • 00:01:18.250 --> 00:01:19.230
  • taking some real-life questions
  • 00:01:19.230 --> 00:01:21.220
  • - John Burns: I am gonna throw
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  • that one to you, babe.
  • 00:01:25.060 --> 00:01:26.030
  • - Niyah: And we head to social
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  • media to see what's
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  • - Helen Burns: Well, he used to
  • 00:01:31.220 --> 00:01:32.110
  • look at me and say, "I know I've
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  • done something wrong.
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  • What have I done?"
  • 00:01:34.200 --> 00:01:35.060
  • And I--
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  • - John: Yeah, "What have I done
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  • this time?"
  • 00:01:36.140 --> 00:01:36.250
  • - Niyah: This show covers all
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  • of the hard-hitting topics we
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  • need godly wisdom on.
  • 00:01:39.100 --> 00:01:41.100
  • You're not gonna wanna miss
  • 00:01:41.100 --> 00:01:42.070
  • - Niyah: So the overarching
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  • topic for today is teens.
  • 00:02:08.100 --> 00:02:10.150
  • John and Helen, I know you have
  • 00:02:10.150 --> 00:02:12.050
  • so much insight because you
  • 00:02:12.050 --> 00:02:13.190
  • raised three girls who once were
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  • teens.
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  • Talk to us.
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  • - John: I really think probably
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  • the most difficult job in the
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  • world is raising kids, and maybe
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  • the most difficult era is when
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  • they're teenagers.
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  • So today's a really important
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  • show.
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  • - Niyah: We are literally
  • 00:02:29.050 --> 00:02:29.290
  • fielding questions from all over
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  • the world.
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  • And today we have a question
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  • from one of our Hillsong LA
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  • delegates.
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  • - female: Hi,
  • 00:02:37.130 --> 00:02:37.270
  • Pastors John and Helen.
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  • So I've been in a relationship
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  • before, and my question to you
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  • is are lies about money just as
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  • harmful as sexual infidelity?
  • 00:02:43.120 --> 00:02:46.050
  • - Niyah: Ooh, ooh, she hittin'
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  • 'em hard.
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  • Okay, this is a heavy one.
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  • I'm gonna leave this one right--
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  • - Helen: And an important
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  • question.
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  • - John: Yeah, two major land
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  • mines right there, sexual
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  • infidelity and lies about money.
  • 00:02:56.120 --> 00:02:59.120
  • - Helen: And it's interesting
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  • that she says, "I've been in
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  • relationships before."
  • 00:03:01.130 --> 00:03:03.060
  • Because I think when we have
  • 00:03:03.060 --> 00:03:04.260
  • experienced either one of those,
  • 00:03:04.260 --> 00:03:07.060
  • it makes you begin to think,
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  • "Can I trust anybody?
  • 00:03:08.280 --> 00:03:10.250
  • Is there anybody out there
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  • that'll be sexually faithful to
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  • me or that will tell me the
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  • truth about finances?"
  • 00:03:14.220 --> 00:03:16.140
  • And it's a bigger question.
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  • It's a heart issue.
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  • - John: Yeah, it's huge.
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  • And I don't really think the
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  • question is, "Which one, is one
  • 00:03:21.200 --> 00:03:23.140
  • as bad as the other?"
  • 00:03:23.140 --> 00:03:25.000
  • It's like, "Okay, what about
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  • these issues?
  • 00:03:26.210 --> 00:03:27.240
  • And maybe why are they the
  • 00:03:27.240 --> 00:03:28.250
  • issues?"
  • 00:03:28.250 --> 00:03:29.130
  • As far as is one worse than the
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  • other?
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  • I don't think you can say that.
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  • I think, you know, sin,
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  • you know, for instance,
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  • sin is sin, period.
  • 00:03:35.270 --> 00:03:37.030
  • You don't weigh one
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  • against the other.
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  • There's one way to live and
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  • everything else is second best.
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  • And we need to, you know,
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  • shoot for the best.
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  • And the best is to have
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  • a relationship that is
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  • trustworthy.
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  • And when she's talkin' about
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  • financial infidelity or sexual
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  • infidelity, you're talkin' about
  • 00:03:55.180 --> 00:03:57.080
  • a trust issue.
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  • And trust is so, so,
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  • so important.
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  • I always think trust can be
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  • likened to the bones in your
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  • body, your skeletal system.
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  • If you look at your whole, you
  • 00:04:09.140 --> 00:04:10.270
  • know, physiology, nothing works
  • 00:04:10.270 --> 00:04:13.100
  • if you don't hold it together.
  • 00:04:13.100 --> 00:04:14.200
  • What holds it together is the
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  • bones.
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  • And if you were to break a bone,
  • 00:04:17.130 --> 00:04:19.170
  • it's very, very, very painful.
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  • And it will heal.
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  • But it will take time.
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  • And a person that's
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  • not trustworthy in one area is
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  • not trustworthy in every area.
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  • Trust is this amazing quality of
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  • integrity in your life that
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  • you actually do what you said
  • 00:04:39.220 --> 00:04:41.120
  • you'd do.
  • 00:04:41.120 --> 00:04:42.180
  • So, obviously, she's been hurt
  • 00:04:42.180 --> 00:04:44.080
  • and she's wondering.
  • 00:04:44.080 --> 00:04:45.250
  • Maybe she was hurt in the past
  • 00:04:45.250 --> 00:04:47.170
  • in one of those areas and now
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  • she's hurt again.
  • 00:04:49.000 --> 00:04:49.240
  • And is this just as bad as the
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  • other one?
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  • And it's just basically
  • 00:04:52.160 --> 00:04:54.040
  • identifying the character.
  • 00:04:54.040 --> 00:04:56.170
  • - Helen: And I think sometimes
  • 00:04:56.170 --> 00:04:57.250
  • it comes out of what we've seen
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  • growing up as well.
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  • If we've seen parents or
  • 00:05:01.060 --> 00:05:02.190
  • grandparents or people in the
  • 00:05:02.190 --> 00:05:04.030
  • neighborhood, whatever, if we've
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  • just seen a repeated behavior
  • 00:05:05.040 --> 00:05:06.280
  • that makes us believe like,
  • 00:05:06.280 --> 00:05:09.250
  • "Are all men like this?
  • 00:05:09.250 --> 00:05:10.240
  • Are all women like this?
  • 00:05:10.240 --> 00:05:11.280
  • Are all people like this?"
  • 00:05:11.280 --> 00:05:13.060
  • We draw back from dreaming.
  • 00:05:13.060 --> 00:05:15.100
  • We draw back from really
  • 00:05:15.100 --> 00:05:16.130
  • believing that we can ever have
  • 00:05:16.130 --> 00:05:17.250
  • the best.
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  • Nobody's perfect, but not
  • 00:05:18.270 --> 00:05:20.130
  • everybody's unfaithful.
  • 00:05:20.130 --> 00:05:22.170
  • Every person is capable of
  • 00:05:22.170 --> 00:05:24.020
  • failing and failing big.
  • 00:05:24.020 --> 00:05:25.140
  • Even John and I, 42 years of,
  • 00:05:25.140 --> 00:05:27.120
  • you know, faithful relationship.
  • 00:05:27.120 --> 00:05:29.200
  • However, any one of us at any
  • 00:05:29.200 --> 00:05:31.090
  • time could blow it.
  • 00:05:31.090 --> 00:05:32.160
  • That's just a reality.
  • 00:05:32.160 --> 00:05:33.130
  • - John: And we always make the
  • 00:05:33.130 --> 00:05:34.030
  • statement, "We're one step from
  • 00:05:34.030 --> 00:05:34.290
  • stupid."
  • 00:05:34.290 --> 00:05:36.080
  • Really, one step from stupid.
  • 00:05:36.080 --> 00:05:38.020
  • Forty-two years, and I could
  • 00:05:38.020 --> 00:05:39.020
  • blow it in an instant, you know?
  • 00:05:39.020 --> 00:05:41.210
  • And to recognize that ability
  • 00:05:41.210 --> 00:05:43.120
  • gives me actually a good healthy
  • 00:05:43.120 --> 00:05:45.210
  • fear of what I could do and I
  • 00:05:45.210 --> 00:05:48.060
  • don't want to do.
  • 00:05:48.060 --> 00:05:49.070
  • - Helen: But we need to get a
  • 00:05:49.070 --> 00:05:49.270
  • vision.
  • 00:05:49.270 --> 00:05:50.180
  • Not from what we've seen out
  • 00:05:50.180 --> 00:05:51.170
  • here, but from what--I mean, for
  • 00:05:51.170 --> 00:05:53.140
  • me, my vision comes from the
  • 00:05:53.140 --> 00:05:54.240
  • Word of God.
  • 00:05:54.240 --> 00:05:56.030
  • What does God say about men and
  • 00:05:56.030 --> 00:05:57.210
  • women?
  • 00:05:57.210 --> 00:05:58.160
  • What does God say about our
  • 00:05:58.160 --> 00:05:59.160
  • future because God is hopeful in
  • 00:05:59.160 --> 00:06:01.010
  • the future.
  • 00:06:01.010 --> 00:06:02.020
  • God shows us so many characters
  • 00:06:02.020 --> 00:06:04.160
  • in the Bible, or a part of
  • 00:06:04.160 --> 00:06:05.280
  • his children in the Bible, that
  • 00:06:05.280 --> 00:06:07.130
  • made big mistakes but had a
  • 00:06:07.130 --> 00:06:09.020
  • comeback from those mistakes.
  • 00:06:09.020 --> 00:06:11.000
  • And so when God gives people
  • 00:06:11.000 --> 00:06:12.280
  • opportunities like that, I think
  • 00:06:12.280 --> 00:06:14.250
  • we have to give ourselves and
  • 00:06:14.250 --> 00:06:16.110
  • others opportunities like that
  • 00:06:16.110 --> 00:06:17.260
  • as well.
  • 00:06:17.260 --> 00:06:18.290
  • Not walking naively and
  • 00:06:18.290 --> 00:06:20.060
  • just--like, to me, if I was in a
  • 00:06:20.130 --> 00:06:23.130
  • relationship with a boyfriend
  • 00:06:23.130 --> 00:06:25.080
  • and he was unfaithful in the
  • 00:06:25.080 --> 00:06:26.200
  • sense of finances, he lied about
  • 00:06:26.200 --> 00:06:28.160
  • his finances, I have to say, for
  • 00:06:28.160 --> 00:06:30.120
  • me, the biggest deal breaker is
  • 00:06:30.120 --> 00:06:31.210
  • actually a liar.
  • 00:06:31.210 --> 00:06:34.010
  • Can't handle it.
  • 00:06:34.010 --> 00:06:34.280
  • Like, that, to me, would be,
  • 00:06:34.280 --> 00:06:35.210
  • like, "Tell me the worst thing I
  • 00:06:35.210 --> 00:06:37.010
  • need to know, but tell me the
  • 00:06:37.010 --> 00:06:38.050
  • truth.
  • 00:06:38.050 --> 00:06:38.290
  • Don't be deceitful with me."
  • 00:06:38.290 --> 00:06:40.140
  • I can handle the truth, but I
  • 00:06:40.140 --> 00:06:41.170
  • can't handle deceit.
  • 00:06:41.170 --> 00:06:43.060
  • - John: It's the language of
  • 00:06:43.060 --> 00:06:43.260
  • trust again.
  • 00:06:43.260 --> 00:06:44.250
  • You could tell the person,
  • 00:06:44.250 --> 00:06:45.250
  • "I love you."
  • 00:06:45.250 --> 00:06:46.130
  • You could tell the person,
  • 00:06:46.130 --> 00:06:47.020
  • "I believe in you, that I wanna
  • 00:06:47.020 --> 00:06:48.290
  • have a great future, wanna have
  • 00:06:48.290 --> 00:06:50.060
  • a great marriage," or whatever
  • 00:06:50.060 --> 00:06:51.070
  • it is, "but I can't trust you.
  • 00:06:51.070 --> 00:06:54.060
  • That that's your fault or that's
  • 00:06:54.060 --> 00:06:56.140
  • on you.
  • 00:06:56.140 --> 00:06:57.250
  • I want to trust you,
  • 00:06:57.250 --> 00:06:59.140
  • And then if you give that person
  • 00:07:01.170 --> 00:07:03.010
  • a chance, you've taken all the
  • 00:07:03.010 --> 00:07:04.040
  • expectation down.
  • 00:07:04.040 --> 00:07:05.270
  • You're not expecting anything
  • 00:07:05.270 --> 00:07:07.000
  • They can begin to build it back
  • 00:07:09.080 --> 00:07:10.180
  • up again.
  • 00:07:10.180 --> 00:07:12.000
  • - Niyah: But what you do as a
  • 00:07:12.000 --> 00:07:12.180
  • person?
  • 00:07:12.180 --> 00:07:13.060
  • Because if I was to find that
  • 00:07:13.060 --> 00:07:14.010
  • out from my partner that you
  • 00:07:14.010 --> 00:07:15.280
  • have different bank accounts
  • 00:07:15.280 --> 00:07:17.210
  • you'd doin', I'd feel like,
  • 00:07:17.210 --> 00:07:18.190
  • "Wow, I don't even know you,"
  • 00:07:18.190 --> 00:07:20.190
  • you know what I'm saying?
  • 00:07:20.190 --> 00:07:21.230
  • Like, "You have, like--"
  • 00:07:21.230 --> 00:07:22.270
  • It's just--but how do I
  • 00:07:22.270 --> 00:07:23.270
  • get back to that?
  • 00:07:23.270 --> 00:07:25.040
  • I'd feel like I can't--
  • 00:07:25.040 --> 00:07:25.260
  • - Helen: That's a great
  • 00:07:25.260 --> 00:07:26.250
  • question.
  • 00:07:26.250 --> 00:07:27.150
  • And what I would do, no
  • 00:07:27.150 --> 00:07:29.020
  • question, I'd bring a third
  • 00:07:29.020 --> 00:07:30.100
  • party in because I don't want to
  • 00:07:30.100 --> 00:07:32.170
  • be--let's just say John had a
  • 00:07:32.170 --> 00:07:34.010
  • moral failure and we talk about.
  • 00:07:34.250 --> 00:07:37.250
  • We decide, "Okay, we're gonna
  • 00:07:37.250 --> 00:07:39.040
  • build forward."
  • 00:07:39.040 --> 00:07:40.140
  • I don't wanna be his policewoman
  • 00:07:40.140 --> 00:07:41.280
  • for the rest of his life.
  • 00:07:41.280 --> 00:07:43.140
  • I wanna be his wife.
  • 00:07:43.140 --> 00:07:44.280
  • But I wanna know that he's
  • 00:07:44.280 --> 00:07:46.210
  • accountable to somebody and that
  • 00:07:46.210 --> 00:07:48.000
  • there are checks and balances in
  • 00:07:48.000 --> 00:07:50.180
  • place that he is actually doing
  • 00:07:50.180 --> 00:07:52.060
  • what he said he would do, and
  • 00:07:52.060 --> 00:07:53.190
  • that I could look to somebody
  • 00:07:53.190 --> 00:07:54.170
  • else.
  • 00:07:54.170 --> 00:07:55.200
  • For me, that, I know that works.
  • 00:07:55.200 --> 00:07:57.010
  • And I've just seen that way too
  • 00:07:57.010 --> 00:07:58.090
  • many people, they're like,
  • 00:07:58.090 --> 00:07:59.270
  • "Okay, you're accountable to
  • 00:07:59.270 --> 00:08:00.260
  • me."
  • 00:08:00.260 --> 00:08:01.150
  • But you're never can--I just
  • 00:08:01.150 --> 00:08:02.170
  • feel like sometimes you need a
  • 00:08:02.170 --> 00:08:03.290
  • counselor in the equation,
  • 00:08:03.290 --> 00:08:05.270
  • somebody else that is not, you
  • 00:08:05.270 --> 00:08:07.190
  • know, like somebody that I know
  • 00:08:07.190 --> 00:08:09.220
  • is gonna check up on you and is
  • 00:08:09.220 --> 00:08:11.110
  • gonna come to me and say, "You
  • 00:08:11.110 --> 00:08:13.040
  • know, Helen, you need to know
  • 00:08:13.040 --> 00:08:14.000
  • the facts about this.
  • 00:08:14.000 --> 00:08:15.010
  • John's, he's not doin' it.
  • 00:08:15.010 --> 00:08:16.030
  • He's not doin' the work."
  • 00:08:16.030 --> 00:08:17.130
  • Or say, "I've been watching
  • 00:08:17.130 --> 00:08:18.190
  • John.
  • 00:08:18.190 --> 00:08:19.100
  • We've been talking lots about
  • 00:08:19.100 --> 00:08:19.280
  • it.
  • 00:08:19.280 --> 00:08:20.190
  • And he's actually working hard.
  • 00:08:20.190 --> 00:08:22.160
  • And so can we talk about this a
  • 00:08:22.160 --> 00:08:23.290
  • little further 'cause I think
  • 00:08:23.290 --> 00:08:25.080
  • you have to have a plan?"
  • 00:08:25.080 --> 00:08:26.210
  • And for me, I would need to have
  • 00:08:26.210 --> 00:08:28.050
  • somebody else help do that,
  • 00:08:28.050 --> 00:08:30.130
  • rather than just put all the
  • 00:08:30.130 --> 00:08:31.200
  • pressure on us to carry him.
  • 00:08:31.230 --> 00:08:34.230
  • - John: And here's the thing.
  • 00:08:34.230 --> 00:08:35.210
  • You're at ground zero and you've
  • 00:08:35.210 --> 00:08:38.130
  • got a plan, which is so, so
  • 00:08:38.130 --> 00:08:41.010
  • important, and now you look for
  • 00:08:41.010 --> 00:08:43.090
  • success.
  • 00:08:43.090 --> 00:08:44.170
  • Because once you have success
  • 00:08:44.170 --> 00:08:45.290
  • you can build on that.
  • 00:08:45.290 --> 00:08:47.100
  • You can praise that person.
  • 00:08:47.100 --> 00:08:48.150
  • You can pat 'em on the back.
  • 00:08:48.150 --> 00:08:50.120
  • There's a miracle in a step.
  • 00:08:50.120 --> 00:08:52.170
  • There's a miracle in a step.
  • 00:08:52.170 --> 00:08:54.040
  • Often, we feel like it's over
  • 00:08:54.040 --> 00:08:55.040
  • with.
  • 00:08:55.040 --> 00:08:56.000
  • There's no hope.
  • 00:08:56.000 --> 00:08:57.250
  • Until you see one step in the
  • 00:08:57.250 --> 00:09:00.040
  • right direction, then hope
  • 00:09:00.040 --> 00:09:01.080
  • springs live and it's--I'd say
  • 00:09:01.080 --> 00:09:03.280
  • there's a miracle 'cause I
  • 00:09:03.280 --> 00:09:05.260
  • believe it's totally miraculous
  • 00:09:05.260 --> 00:09:07.170
  • what happens.
  • 00:09:07.170 --> 00:09:08.180
  • - Helen: And we've seen it
  • 00:09:08.180 --> 00:09:09.090
  • happen way too many times with
  • 00:09:09.090 --> 00:09:10.210
  • people where they've come back
  • 00:09:10.210 --> 00:09:12.060
  • from the greatest devastation.
  • 00:09:12.060 --> 00:09:14.050
  • We always ask the question,
  • 00:09:14.050 --> 00:09:15.050
  • "Do you want this relationship
  • 00:09:15.050 --> 00:09:16.180
  • to work?"
  • 00:09:16.180 --> 00:09:17.200
  • Because if you do, it can.
  • 00:09:17.200 --> 00:09:20.040
  • It can come back from the
  • 00:09:20.040 --> 00:09:21.000
  • greatest devastation, but it's
  • 00:09:21.000 --> 00:09:22.140
  • gonna take two people wanting to
  • 00:09:22.140 --> 00:09:23.210
  • and doing the work, keeping our
  • 00:09:23.210 --> 00:09:25.290
  • hearts open and healed and
  • 00:09:25.290 --> 00:09:27.280
  • forgiving.
  • 00:09:27.280 --> 00:09:29.120
  • But there has to be evidence
  • 00:09:29.120 --> 00:09:31.050
  • that change is happening to help
  • 00:09:31.050 --> 00:09:32.190
  • us feel like we can move
  • 00:09:32.190 --> 00:09:33.230
  • forward.
  • 00:09:33.230 --> 00:09:34.180
  • - Niyah: Such wisdom, wow, I
  • 00:09:34.180 --> 00:09:35.190
  • love this.
  • 00:09:35.190 --> 00:09:36.170
  • Well, after the break, we enter
  • 00:09:36.170 --> 00:09:37.240
  • the world of social media and
  • 00:09:37.240 --> 00:09:39.210
  • discuss what's trending on a
  • 00:09:39.210 --> 00:09:40.240
  • global scale when it comes to
  • 00:09:40.240 --> 00:09:42.070
  • - Niyah: Welcome back
  • 00:09:55.100 --> 00:09:55.270
  • to the show.
  • 00:09:55.270 --> 00:09:57.000
  • Now, does anyone know a person
  • 00:09:57.000 --> 00:09:58.080
  • who doesn't have social media
  • 00:09:58.080 --> 00:10:00.020
  • account?
  • 00:10:00.020 --> 00:10:00.250
  • Hmm, I mean, I think Jared
  • 00:10:00.250 --> 00:10:02.060
  • Leto's hair even has its own
  • 00:10:02.060 --> 00:10:03.220
  • Twitter account.
  • 00:10:03.220 --> 00:10:05.250
  • Now, today we're discussing
  • 00:10:05.250 --> 00:10:06.260
  • trending topics on sex.
  • 00:10:06.260 --> 00:10:09.060
  • Yeah, that's right, I said it,
  • 00:10:09.060 --> 00:10:09.290
  • "Sex, Love & Relationships," and
  • 00:10:09.290 --> 00:10:12.120
  • how it affects us.
  • 00:10:12.120 --> 00:10:14.050
  • Let's see our first comment.
  • 00:10:14.050 --> 00:10:16.030
  • "Waiting for him to apologize,"
  • 00:10:16.030 --> 00:10:17.180
  • oh, dear, here we go.
  • 00:10:17.180 --> 00:10:18.250
  • "Waiting for him to apologize
  • 00:10:18.250 --> 00:10:20.040
  • when he didn't know he did
  • 00:10:20.040 --> 00:10:21.080
  • something wrong because you
  • 00:10:21.080 --> 00:10:23.010
  • didn't tell him."
  • 00:10:23.010 --> 00:10:25.010
  • I've been there tons of times.
  • 00:10:25.010 --> 00:10:27.100
  • But he should know, that's the
  • 00:10:27.100 --> 00:10:28.040
  • problem, okay?
  • 00:10:28.040 --> 00:10:28.260
  • You should know if I'm upset,
  • 00:10:28.260 --> 00:10:31.080
  • you know you need to apologize.
  • 00:10:31.080 --> 00:10:32.170
  • You could just see it on my
  • 00:10:32.170 --> 00:10:33.060
  • face, right?
  • 00:10:33.060 --> 00:10:34.000
  • You should be able to see it on
  • 00:10:34.000 --> 00:10:34.190
  • any woman's face, John.
  • 00:10:34.190 --> 00:10:35.160
  • What's goin' on?
  • 00:10:35.160 --> 00:10:37.140
  • - John: You know, for years,
  • 00:10:37.140 --> 00:10:39.080
  • the first years of our marriage,
  • 00:10:39.080 --> 00:10:40.160
  • I could see it on your face, and
  • 00:10:40.160 --> 00:10:42.070
  • all it did was cause me to turn
  • 00:10:42.070 --> 00:10:43.120
  • around and go the other way.
  • 00:10:43.120 --> 00:10:45.090
  • - Helen: Well, he used to look
  • 00:10:45.090 --> 00:10:46.060
  • at me and say, "I know I've done
  • 00:10:46.060 --> 00:10:47.050
  • something wrong.
  • 00:10:47.050 --> 00:10:48.130
  • What have I done?"
  • 00:10:48.130 --> 00:10:49.000
  • And I--
  • 00:10:49.000 --> 00:10:49.160
  • - John: Yeah, "What have I done
  • 00:10:49.160 --> 00:10:50.080
  • this time?"
  • 00:10:50.080 --> 00:10:50.270
  • - Helen: And you'd say, I'd
  • 00:10:50.270 --> 00:10:51.200
  • say, "Nothing, nothing, it's
  • 00:10:51.200 --> 00:10:52.110
  • nothing.
  • 00:10:52.110 --> 00:10:53.030
  • I just think you should know."
  • 00:10:53.030 --> 00:10:53.220
  • And then he's like, "No, I know
  • 00:10:53.220 --> 00:10:54.230
  • I've done something wrong."
  • 00:10:54.230 --> 00:10:57.020
  • And I'm like,
  • 00:10:57.020 --> 00:10:57.250
  • "Well, how do you know?"
  • 00:10:57.250 --> 00:10:58.190
  • And he said,
  • 00:10:58.190 --> 00:11:00.060
  • "Your eyebrows are bright red."
  • 00:11:00.060 --> 00:11:02.080
  • I have a telltale sign
  • 00:11:02.080 --> 00:11:03.060
  • if I'm mad.
  • 00:11:03.060 --> 00:11:03.250
  • So if you ever see me with
  • 00:11:03.250 --> 00:11:04.280
  • bright red eyebrows, it's a
  • 00:11:04.280 --> 00:11:06.150
  • telltale sign.
  • 00:11:06.150 --> 00:11:07.140
  • But he is--I thought,
  • 00:11:07.140 --> 00:11:09.280
  • "You should know I'm upset."
  • 00:11:09.280 --> 00:11:11.220
  • Like, "How can you not know
  • 00:11:11.220 --> 00:11:13.060
  • that what you did offended me
  • 00:11:13.060 --> 00:11:15.150
  • or hurt me?"
  • 00:11:15.150 --> 00:11:16.050
  • And he's thinking, "Man, you
  • 00:11:16.050 --> 00:11:17.040
  • better tell me what I did 'cause
  • 00:11:17.040 --> 00:11:18.190
  • I honestly don't know."
  • 00:11:18.190 --> 00:11:19.250
  • And I believed you.
  • 00:11:19.250 --> 00:11:22.100
  • Like, I think that that was
  • 00:11:22.100 --> 00:11:23.060
  • valid.
  • 00:11:23.060 --> 00:11:24.070
  • I think that now years later we
  • 00:11:24.070 --> 00:11:25.210
  • know each other that much
  • 00:11:25.210 --> 00:11:27.140
  • better.
  • 00:11:27.140 --> 00:11:28.110
  • But early in our marriage, there
  • 00:11:28.110 --> 00:11:29.200
  • was so many times that I would
  • 00:11:29.200 --> 00:11:31.030
  • think, you know, cry myself to
  • 00:11:31.030 --> 00:11:32.110
  • sleep and think, "How did he not
  • 00:11:32.110 --> 00:11:34.010
  • know?"
  • 00:11:34.010 --> 00:11:34.250
  • And he's like, "You've gotta
  • 00:11:34.250 --> 00:11:35.120
  • - John: Yeah, and so it comes
  • 00:11:37.130 --> 00:11:38.090
  • back to this same old thing you
  • 00:11:38.090 --> 00:11:40.090
  • hear over and over again,
  • 00:11:40.090 --> 00:11:41.150
  • communication.
  • 00:11:41.150 --> 00:11:43.000
  • And it's not easy, but it's so
  • 00:11:43.000 --> 00:11:44.280
  • absolutely vital that we learned
  • 00:11:44.280 --> 00:11:47.060
  • how to have communication.
  • 00:11:47.060 --> 00:11:49.060
  • When you're hurt, okay, don't
  • 00:11:49.060 --> 00:11:51.170
  • stay there.
  • 00:11:51.170 --> 00:11:52.210
  • You need to actually communicate
  • 00:11:52.210 --> 00:11:55.050
  • in order that that
  • 00:11:55.050 --> 00:11:56.010
  • disappointment doesn't go deeper
  • 00:11:56.010 --> 00:11:57.230
  • and deeper and deeper because
  • 00:11:57.230 --> 00:11:59.120
  • what happens when you don't deal
  • 00:11:59.120 --> 00:12:00.170
  • with it is it just goes down
  • 00:12:00.170 --> 00:12:02.120
  • roots and it gets so strong
  • 00:12:02.120 --> 00:12:04.220
  • inside of you and it's called
  • 00:12:04.220 --> 00:12:06.120
  • "bitterness."
  • 00:12:06.120 --> 00:12:07.180
  • And one day, it just springs up
  • 00:12:07.180 --> 00:12:09.050
  • and you don't even know what
  • 00:12:09.050 --> 00:12:10.190
  • happened or why, but, "Where'd
  • 00:12:10.190 --> 00:12:11.270
  • that come from?"
  • 00:12:11.270 --> 00:12:12.270
  • It started one day--
  • 00:12:12.270 --> 00:12:14.030
  • - Niyah: But now, how do you
  • 00:12:14.030 --> 00:12:14.220
  • communicate this without seeming
  • 00:12:14.220 --> 00:12:15.240
  • like you're always complaining?
  • 00:12:15.240 --> 00:12:17.180
  • Like, "Oh, what did I do again?"
  • 00:12:17.180 --> 00:12:18.150
  • And you know what I'm saying?
  • 00:12:18.150 --> 00:12:20.070
  • So you're communicating it, but
  • 00:12:20.070 --> 00:12:21.010
  • then you don't want the guy to
  • 00:12:21.010 --> 00:12:22.100
  • be like, "Oh, something I did
  • 00:12:22.100 --> 00:12:24.080
  • wrong again?"
  • 00:12:24.080 --> 00:12:25.240
  • - John: Right, so if I know
  • 00:12:25.240 --> 00:12:27.050
  • that I've done somethin' wrong
  • 00:12:27.050 --> 00:12:29.070
  • 'cause I see those red eyebrows,
  • 00:12:29.070 --> 00:12:30.110
  • it's like--
  • 00:12:30.110 --> 00:12:32.030
  • - Helen: Have you seen them
  • 00:12:32.030 --> 00:12:32.200
  • lately?
  • 00:12:32.200 --> 00:12:33.050
  • - John: No.
  • 00:12:33.050 --> 00:12:33.290
  • - Helen: No, I know, I've
  • 00:12:33.290 --> 00:12:34.150
  • gotten before.
  • 00:12:34.150 --> 00:12:35.040
  • I hide it better.
  • 00:12:35.040 --> 00:12:35.230
  • - John: You know, "Honey, help
  • 00:12:35.230 --> 00:12:37.100
  • me.
  • 00:12:37.100 --> 00:12:38.010
  • I'm listening."
  • 00:12:38.010 --> 00:12:39.070
  • That's all I'm gonna say.
  • 00:12:39.070 --> 00:12:40.150
  • - Niyah: That's awesome,
  • 00:12:40.150 --> 00:12:41.120
  • I love it, I love it.
  • 00:12:41.120 --> 00:12:42.060
  • - Helen: Those are great words.
  • 00:12:42.060 --> 00:12:43.020
  • - Niyah: C'mon.
  • 00:12:43.020 --> 00:12:43.250
  • is hard to find."
  • 00:12:45.260 --> 00:12:47.270
  • Hmm, is that true or not true?
  • 00:12:48.030 --> 00:12:51.030
  • - Helen: You know, I think of
  • 00:12:51.030 --> 00:12:52.260
  • friendships in my life that I
  • 00:12:52.260 --> 00:12:54.100
  • think so much of my heart is
  • 00:12:54.100 --> 00:12:55.170
  • filled with really great
  • 00:12:55.170 --> 00:12:57.100
  • friends.
  • 00:12:57.100 --> 00:12:58.160
  • And I don't know that they were
  • 00:12:58.160 --> 00:13:00.090
  • that hard to find.
  • 00:13:00.090 --> 00:13:02.290
  • They were hard to develop.
  • 00:13:02.290 --> 00:13:04.140
  • I think that--but they take
  • 00:13:04.140 --> 00:13:06.210
  • time.
  • 00:13:06.210 --> 00:13:07.130
  • You don't really know what you
  • 00:13:07.130 --> 00:13:08.060
  • have in a friendship, because
  • 00:13:08.060 --> 00:13:09.180
  • the Bible talks, you know, talks
  • 00:13:09.180 --> 00:13:11.160
  • about--when Jesus talked about
  • 00:13:11.160 --> 00:13:13.250
  • what friendship looked like, he
  • 00:13:13.250 --> 00:13:15.030
  • talked about in John chapter 15,
  • 00:13:15.030 --> 00:13:16.220
  • "I have revealed to you
  • 00:13:16.220 --> 00:13:17.210
  • everything that the Father's
  • 00:13:17.210 --> 00:13:18.260
  • revealed to me," that's this
  • 00:13:18.260 --> 00:13:19.260
  • beautiful picture of intimacy.
  • 00:13:19.260 --> 00:13:21.000
  • And so I think we find them, but
  • 00:13:21.000 --> 00:13:23.090
  • it's the development of them.
  • 00:13:23.090 --> 00:13:25.090
  • And not everyone is gonna go the
  • 00:13:25.090 --> 00:13:26.170
  • distance with you.
  • 00:13:26.170 --> 00:13:28.090
  • I think over my life I've had
  • 00:13:28.090 --> 00:13:29.160
  • many relationships that have
  • 00:13:29.160 --> 00:13:30.250
  • gone deeper and deeper, and
  • 00:13:30.250 --> 00:13:32.080
  • they're gonna be lifers.
  • 00:13:32.080 --> 00:13:33.220
  • And then there's some that have
  • 00:13:33.220 --> 00:13:34.250
  • come in for a season or for a
  • 00:13:34.250 --> 00:13:36.000
  • reason, and they're not gonna go
  • 00:13:36.000 --> 00:13:37.060
  • the whole journey with you.
  • 00:13:37.060 --> 00:13:38.230
  • But I think that if we believe
  • 00:13:38.230 --> 00:13:39.290
  • that they're hard to find, we'll
  • 00:13:39.290 --> 00:13:41.080
  • stop trying and we stop giving
  • 00:13:41.080 --> 00:13:42.200
  • up.
  • 00:13:42.200 --> 00:13:43.180
  • I think every relationship has
  • 00:13:43.180 --> 00:13:44.250
  • the opportunity.
  • 00:13:44.250 --> 00:13:45.290
  • There's this seed of the
  • 00:13:45.290 --> 00:13:47.090
  • opportunity that we can develop
  • 00:13:47.090 --> 00:13:49.030
  • a really meaningful
  • 00:13:49.030 --> 00:13:50.030
  • relationship, and it's going to
  • 00:13:50.030 --> 00:13:51.110
  • take time.
  • 00:13:51.110 --> 00:13:52.150
  • And I think that sometimes they
  • 00:13:52.150 --> 00:13:54.080
  • don't work out.
  • 00:13:54.080 --> 00:13:55.160
  • And that's okay, like, it's
  • 00:13:55.160 --> 00:13:57.030
  • hard, but I'm okay with not
  • 00:13:57.030 --> 00:13:59.170
  • everyone working out as maybe I
  • 00:13:59.170 --> 00:14:01.100
  • had hoped it would because
  • 00:14:01.100 --> 00:14:02.240
  • there's gonna be so many others
  • 00:14:02.240 --> 00:14:03.260
  • that do.
  • 00:14:03.260 --> 00:14:05.070
  • But I think a lot of people stay
  • 00:14:05.070 --> 00:14:06.210
  • isolated and alone because they
  • 00:14:06.210 --> 00:14:08.000
  • actually believe it's too
  • 00:14:08.000 --> 00:14:09.010
  • difficult and it's too much
  • 00:14:09.010 --> 00:14:10.100
  • work.
  • 00:14:10.100 --> 00:14:11.060
  • - Niyah: Well, Pastor John, how
  • 00:14:11.060 --> 00:14:11.250
  • do you develop a relationship so
  • 00:14:11.250 --> 00:14:13.020
  • it can become a true friendship
  • 00:14:13.020 --> 00:14:15.170
  • or a long-lasting friendship?
  • 00:14:15.170 --> 00:14:16.180
  • - John: One thing that Helen
  • 00:14:16.180 --> 00:14:17.170
  • says all the time is just to
  • 00:14:17.170 --> 00:14:19.020
  • inform people, "You don't have
  • 00:14:19.020 --> 00:14:20.290
  • enough friends."
  • 00:14:20.290 --> 00:14:22.220
  • So you always need to be on the,
  • 00:14:22.220 --> 00:14:24.000
  • "I want more friends,"
  • 00:14:24.000 --> 00:14:26.030
  • open-hearted expression--
  • 00:14:26.030 --> 00:14:28.160
  • - Helen: Not out of need, but
  • 00:14:28.160 --> 00:14:29.080
  • out of living a bigger life.
  • 00:14:29.080 --> 00:14:30.250
  • - John: Yeah, and you know, to
  • 00:14:30.250 --> 00:14:31.280
  • me, it's real simple.
  • 00:14:31.280 --> 00:14:33.110
  • The Bible says, "You want
  • 00:14:33.110 --> 00:14:34.220
  • friends?
  • 00:14:34.220 --> 00:14:35.100
  • Just be friendly."
  • 00:14:35.100 --> 00:14:36.140
  • And when you become the friend
  • 00:14:36.140 --> 00:14:38.100
  • that you want them to be, that
  • 00:14:38.100 --> 00:14:40.060
  • you're looking for, and pretty
  • 00:14:40.060 --> 00:14:41.230
  • soon, you've got all kinds of
  • 00:14:41.230 --> 00:14:43.130
  • friends in your world.
  • 00:14:43.130 --> 00:14:44.290
  • But that also translates not in
  • 00:14:44.290 --> 00:14:46.140
  • just finding them but developing
  • 00:14:46.140 --> 00:14:48.050
  • those friends.
  • 00:14:48.050 --> 00:14:49.110
  • You be the friend that you're
  • 00:14:49.110 --> 00:14:50.110
  • wanting that person to be in
  • 00:14:50.110 --> 00:14:52.150
  • your life.
  • 00:14:52.150 --> 00:14:53.190
  • And she's the best friend I
  • 00:14:53.190 --> 00:14:55.080
  • know.
  • 00:14:55.080 --> 00:14:56.160
  • Really, I've learned everything
  • 00:14:56.160 --> 00:14:58.150
  • from her.
  • 00:14:58.150 --> 00:14:59.080
  • - Niyah: I absolutely believe
  • 00:14:59.080 --> 00:14:59.260
  • you.
  • 00:14:59.260 --> 00:15:00.130
  • - John: It's true.
  • 00:15:00.130 --> 00:15:01.020
  • It's the truth.
  • 00:15:01.020 --> 00:15:01.290
  • - Niyah: I love this.
  • 00:15:01.290 --> 00:15:02.250
  • - Helen: But not all of them
  • 00:15:02.250 --> 00:15:03.130
  • have gone perfectly.
  • 00:15:03.130 --> 00:15:05.010
  • But I think when we've been hurt
  • 00:15:05.010 --> 00:15:05.290
  • in relationship, and who hasn't
  • 00:15:05.290 --> 00:15:07.100
  • been?
  • 00:15:07.100 --> 00:15:08.110
  • What we can tend to do is shut
  • 00:15:08.110 --> 00:15:09.050
  • down.
  • 00:15:09.050 --> 00:15:09.290
  • And that's the worst thing to
  • 00:15:09.290 --> 00:15:10.290
  • do.
  • 00:15:10.290 --> 00:15:11.180
  • Always believe there's someone
  • 00:15:11.180 --> 00:15:12.110
  • else out there that God'll bring
  • 00:15:12.110 --> 00:15:13.120
  • in your life, always.
  • 00:15:13.120 --> 00:15:15.020
  • - Niyah: Wow, I love this, some
  • 00:15:15.020 --> 00:15:15.210
  • wise, wise words.
  • 00:15:15.210 --> 00:15:16.120
  • Coming up after the break:
  • 00:15:16.120 --> 00:15:18.040
  • - Aaron: When you're
  • 00:15:18.040 --> 00:15:19.020
  • frustrated, that's when you get
  • 00:15:19.020 --> 00:15:20.050
  • involved with the temptation,
  • 00:15:20.050 --> 00:15:21.110
  • the drugs, the alcohol, the
  • 00:15:21.110 --> 00:15:22.160
  • parties, because you're
  • 00:15:22.160 --> 00:15:23.260
  • frustrated because you're not
  • 00:15:23.260 --> 00:15:24.260
  • [music]
  • 00:15:32.200 --> 00:15:35.200
  • - Niyah: Now, earlier
  • 00:15:35.200 --> 00:15:36.060
  • this week, John spoke with
  • 00:15:36.060 --> 00:15:37.070
  • a gentleman who has some
  • 00:15:37.070 --> 00:15:38.140
  • great insight on this topic.
  • 00:15:38.140 --> 00:15:40.140
  • - John: Aaron,
  • 00:15:43.040 --> 00:15:43.190
  • thank you for joining us.
  • 00:15:43.190 --> 00:15:44.220
  • This is really an important
  • 00:15:44.220 --> 00:15:46.140
  • topic that we're talkin' about
  • 00:15:46.140 --> 00:15:47.130
  • today, which is teens, raising
  • 00:15:47.130 --> 00:15:48.290
  • teens, especially raising them
  • 00:15:48.290 --> 00:15:51.110
  • in this crazy, sexualized world.
  • 00:15:51.110 --> 00:15:54.010
  • And you've had a great track
  • 00:15:54.010 --> 00:15:56.090
  • record, and all the stuff you've
  • 00:15:56.090 --> 00:15:58.060
  • been through, that sets you up
  • 00:15:58.060 --> 00:15:59.130
  • today to really help us.
  • 00:15:59.130 --> 00:16:01.090
  • So maybe you can go back and
  • 00:16:01.090 --> 00:16:02.190
  • tell us a bit about growing up
  • 00:16:02.190 --> 00:16:04.150
  • and how did you end up being
  • 00:16:04.150 --> 00:16:06.100
  • a youth pastor?
  • 00:16:06.100 --> 00:16:08.190
  • - Aaron: Yeah, well, my teenage
  • 00:16:08.190 --> 00:16:09.110
  • years were probably the darkest
  • 00:16:09.110 --> 00:16:10.230
  • time of my entire life.
  • 00:16:10.230 --> 00:16:13.020
  • Right when I moved into my
  • 00:16:13.020 --> 00:16:13.280
  • teenage years, my father
  • 00:16:13.280 --> 00:16:15.280
  • abandoned us as a family, which
  • 00:16:15.280 --> 00:16:18.130
  • just shattered my world.
  • 00:16:18.130 --> 00:16:20.080
  • And my dad was my hero.
  • 00:16:20.080 --> 00:16:21.180
  • He was a preacher.
  • 00:16:21.180 --> 00:16:23.040
  • He was in ministry and I looked
  • 00:16:23.040 --> 00:16:26.000
  • up to him.
  • 00:16:26.000 --> 00:16:27.090
  • So when he was gone, my whole
  • 00:16:27.090 --> 00:16:28.050
  • view of God just came tumbling
  • 00:16:28.050 --> 00:16:29.270
  • down.
  • 00:16:29.270 --> 00:16:30.250
  • And so at 12 years old I turned
  • 00:16:30.250 --> 00:16:32.030
  • my back on God I turned my back
  • 00:16:32.030 --> 00:16:33.080
  • on the church.
  • 00:16:33.080 --> 00:16:34.070
  • I hated Christians.
  • 00:16:34.070 --> 00:16:35.100
  • I hated the church.
  • 00:16:35.100 --> 00:16:36.140
  • And so all throughout my teenage
  • 00:16:36.140 --> 00:16:37.240
  • years, I got involved with
  • 00:16:37.240 --> 00:16:39.040
  • drinking.
  • 00:16:39.040 --> 00:16:40.050
  • I got involved with drugs.
  • 00:16:40.050 --> 00:16:42.090
  • I got involved with a sex
  • 00:16:42.090 --> 00:16:43.190
  • addiction, with pornography, and
  • 00:16:43.190 --> 00:16:45.090
  • was just broken.
  • 00:16:45.090 --> 00:16:46.210
  • And I thought, looking back on
  • 00:16:46.210 --> 00:16:48.070
  • it, after I finally found
  • 00:16:48.070 --> 00:16:49.110
  • Christ, "If somebody would have
  • 00:16:49.110 --> 00:16:51.110
  • been there for me that could've
  • 00:16:51.110 --> 00:16:53.130
  • stepped in."
  • 00:16:53.130 --> 00:16:54.230
  • See, the problem was, we grew up
  • 00:16:54.230 --> 00:16:55.290
  • in kind of a religious church
  • 00:16:55.290 --> 00:16:57.290
  • that, after my dad left, there
  • 00:16:57.290 --> 00:16:59.240
  • was like a black mark on me and
  • 00:16:59.240 --> 00:17:01.160
  • my brother and sister.
  • 00:17:01.160 --> 00:17:02.210
  • And we weren't allowed to hang
  • 00:17:02.210 --> 00:17:04.100
  • out with our friends anymore
  • 00:17:04.100 --> 00:17:05.130
  • because we were now damaged
  • 00:17:05.130 --> 00:17:06.140
  • goods.
  • 00:17:06.140 --> 00:17:07.050
  • We were the divorced kids.
  • 00:17:07.050 --> 00:17:08.240
  • And so the good church kids
  • 00:17:08.240 --> 00:17:10.000
  • weren't allowed to play with us
  • 00:17:10.000 --> 00:17:11.020
  • anymore.
  • 00:17:11.020 --> 00:17:12.010
  • And so it was just rejection
  • 00:17:12.010 --> 00:17:13.160
  • from the church.
  • 00:17:13.160 --> 00:17:14.130
  • And I always thought if there
  • 00:17:14.130 --> 00:17:15.110
  • was a youth pastor, if there was
  • 00:17:15.110 --> 00:17:16.160
  • somebody that would've reached
  • 00:17:16.160 --> 00:17:18.090
  • out and loved me, my whole path
  • 00:17:18.090 --> 00:17:19.210
  • could have been differently.
  • 00:17:19.210 --> 00:17:21.290
  • - John: Wow, so when did you
  • 00:17:21.290 --> 00:17:23.210
  • get, come back to God, or get
  • 00:17:23.210 --> 00:17:25.180
  • saved?
  • 00:17:25.180 --> 00:17:26.120
  • I don't know if you were saved
  • 00:17:26.120 --> 00:17:27.030
  • before.
  • 00:17:27.030 --> 00:17:28.010
  • - Aaron: Well, yeah, I mean,
  • 00:17:28.010 --> 00:17:29.000
  • it's hard to really know.
  • 00:17:29.000 --> 00:17:29.260
  • Was I saved?
  • 00:17:29.260 --> 00:17:30.140
  • Wasn't I saved?
  • 00:17:30.140 --> 00:17:31.040
  • I mean, I gave my life to Christ
  • 00:17:31.040 --> 00:17:32.000
  • as a child, but then I rejected
  • 00:17:32.000 --> 00:17:33.110
  • him and turned my back on him
  • 00:17:33.110 --> 00:17:34.220
  • for years and that's a whole
  • 00:17:34.220 --> 00:17:36.070
  • theological conversation.
  • 00:17:36.070 --> 00:17:38.200
  • But when I was 19 years old, I
  • 00:17:38.200 --> 00:17:40.130
  • was going to college in Phoenix,
  • 00:17:40.130 --> 00:17:41.270
  • Arizona and I went to
  • 00:17:41.270 --> 00:17:44.000
  • this big Christmas show
  • 00:17:44.000 --> 00:17:45.140
  • at Tommy Barnett's church.
  • 00:17:45.140 --> 00:17:48.000
  • And it was laser lights and
  • 00:17:48.000 --> 00:17:49.190
  • flying angels and the whole--and
  • 00:17:49.190 --> 00:17:51.100
  • I didn't go for Christian
  • 00:17:51.100 --> 00:17:53.000
  • reasons.
  • 00:17:53.000 --> 00:17:53.260
  • You know, we dropped some acid,
  • 00:17:53.260 --> 00:17:54.240
  • took some drugs, and went to go
  • 00:17:54.240 --> 00:17:56.050
  • see the laser light show.
  • 00:17:56.050 --> 00:17:57.170
  • It was free.
  • 00:17:57.170 --> 00:17:58.070
  • It was a lot of fun.
  • 00:17:58.070 --> 00:17:59.140
  • And then Christmas rolled around
  • 00:17:59.140 --> 00:18:01.120
  • and our dormitories at college
  • 00:18:01.120 --> 00:18:03.010
  • closed.
  • 00:18:03.010 --> 00:18:04.020
  • And when our dorms closed, I had
  • 00:18:04.020 --> 00:18:05.130
  • nowhere to go.
  • 00:18:05.130 --> 00:18:06.130
  • I was just a broken mess at the
  • 00:18:06.130 --> 00:18:08.210
  • time.
  • 00:18:08.210 --> 00:18:09.140
  • I was drinking all the time.
  • 00:18:09.140 --> 00:18:10.200
  • I was partying, doin' drugs.
  • 00:18:10.200 --> 00:18:12.030
  • My mom didn't want me around.
  • 00:18:12.030 --> 00:18:14.010
  • Dad didn't want me around.
  • 00:18:14.010 --> 00:18:15.040
  • Had a lot of anger issues.
  • 00:18:15.040 --> 00:18:16.280
  • And so I spent Christmas
  • 00:18:16.280 --> 00:18:17.250
  • sleeping in my car 'cause I had
  • 00:18:17.250 --> 00:18:20.000
  • nowhere to go.
  • 00:18:20.000 --> 00:18:20.200
  • And I just got very lonely and I
  • 00:18:20.200 --> 00:18:22.050
  • got very depressed and I started
  • 00:18:22.050 --> 00:18:24.100
  • contemplating suicide, where I
  • 00:18:24.100 --> 00:18:26.080
  • just did not wanna live anymore.
  • 00:18:26.080 --> 00:18:28.200
  • And somethin' inside my heart
  • 00:18:28.200 --> 00:18:29.260
  • said, "Give God one more
  • 00:18:29.260 --> 00:18:31.020
  • chance."
  • 00:18:31.020 --> 00:18:32.190
  • I didn't think it would do any
  • 00:18:32.190 --> 00:18:33.130
  • good because I hated God.
  • 00:18:33.130 --> 00:18:35.020
  • I cursed God.
  • 00:18:35.020 --> 00:18:36.100
  • You know, I hated Christians.
  • 00:18:36.100 --> 00:18:37.150
  • I hated the church because of
  • 00:18:37.150 --> 00:18:38.230
  • everything that happened to me
  • 00:18:38.230 --> 00:18:39.270
  • growin' up.
  • 00:18:39.270 --> 00:18:41.030
  • But it said, "Give God one more
  • 00:18:41.030 --> 00:18:41.250
  • chance."
  • 00:18:41.250 --> 00:18:42.110
  • So I said, "Fine, I'll go to
  • 00:18:42.110 --> 00:18:43.010
  • that big church.
  • 00:18:43.010 --> 00:18:44.050
  • You know, it's 5, 6, 7.000
  • 00:18:44.050 --> 00:18:46.010
  • people Sunday morning in the
  • 00:18:46.010 --> 00:18:47.130
  • main service.
  • 00:18:47.130 --> 00:18:48.130
  • I'll sit in the crowd.
  • 00:18:48.130 --> 00:18:49.260
  • I won't listen to anything and
  • 00:18:49.260 --> 00:18:50.270
  • I'll leave and I'll kill
  • 00:18:50.270 --> 00:18:52.050
  • myself."
  • 00:18:52.050 --> 00:18:53.050
  • What I didn't realize is every
  • 00:18:53.050 --> 00:18:54.150
  • single Sunday, Pastor Barnett
  • 00:18:54.210 --> 00:18:57.210
  • would stand at the back door,
  • 00:18:57.210 --> 00:18:59.260
  • shaking hands with people.
  • 00:18:59.260 --> 00:19:01.100
  • He would be there for 2 hours
  • 00:19:01.100 --> 00:19:02.090
  • after church, just shaking
  • 00:19:02.090 --> 00:19:03.280
  • hands, talking to anybody that
  • 00:19:03.280 --> 00:19:05.150
  • wanted to talk to him.
  • 00:19:05.150 --> 00:19:06.270
  • And I was walking out the door,
  • 00:19:06.270 --> 00:19:08.020
  • and I don't know if it was a
  • 00:19:08.020 --> 00:19:08.260
  • prophetic word from God or he
  • 00:19:08.260 --> 00:19:10.010
  • could just see that I had
  • 00:19:10.010 --> 00:19:10.270
  • issues, but he looked at me and
  • 00:19:10.270 --> 00:19:12.240
  • he said, "I don't know where
  • 00:19:12.240 --> 00:19:14.180
  • you've been or what you've done,
  • 00:19:14.180 --> 00:19:15.260
  • but Jesus loves you
  • 00:19:15.260 --> 00:19:17.130
  • and he'll forgive you,
  • 00:19:17.130 --> 00:19:19.020
  • and I want you in my church."
  • 00:19:19.020 --> 00:19:21.030
  • Now, you've gotta understand,
  • 00:19:21.030 --> 00:19:21.210
  • the pastor that we'd grown up
  • 00:19:21.210 --> 00:19:22.180
  • told my mom to give up on me,
  • 00:19:22.180 --> 00:19:23.210
  • I was hopeless.
  • 00:19:23.210 --> 00:19:25.210
  • I went to a couple different
  • 00:19:25.210 --> 00:19:26.240
  • churches during my drug years,
  • 00:19:26.240 --> 00:19:28.170
  • looking for help, and they said,
  • 00:19:28.170 --> 00:19:29.180
  • "We can't help you here."
  • 00:19:29.180 --> 00:19:31.000
  • He was the only one that said,
  • 00:19:31.000 --> 00:19:32.080
  • "I want you in my church."
  • 00:19:32.080 --> 00:19:34.000
  • So those words haunted me all
  • 00:19:34.000 --> 00:19:35.270
  • week.
  • 00:19:35.270 --> 00:19:36.130
  • So the next week I went back and
  • 00:19:36.130 --> 00:19:37.150
  • I remember vividly he was
  • 00:19:37.150 --> 00:19:39.110
  • preaching a message about Peter
  • 00:19:39.110 --> 00:19:40.190
  • and John mending broken nets and
  • 00:19:40.190 --> 00:19:42.030
  • how God will take a broken net,
  • 00:19:42.030 --> 00:19:44.110
  • fix it, and use it to catch fish
  • 00:19:44.110 --> 00:19:46.120
  • again.
  • 00:19:46.120 --> 00:19:47.250
  • Well, I know I was called to be
  • 00:19:47.250 --> 00:19:48.190
  • a pastor at 6 years old, but I
  • 00:19:48.190 --> 00:19:50.090
  • was this broken mess.
  • 00:19:50.090 --> 00:19:52.040
  • So I said, "God, if you can take
  • 00:19:52.040 --> 00:19:53.050
  • this broken net and if you can
  • 00:19:53.050 --> 00:19:54.280
  • fix me, I'll give you my life to
  • 00:19:54.280 --> 00:19:56.180
  • catch fish, but I can't do
  • 00:19:56.180 --> 00:19:58.060
  • religion."
  • 00:19:58.060 --> 00:19:59.090
  • I said, "It's gotta be real.
  • 00:19:59.090 --> 00:20:00.150
  • I've gotta live for you
  • 00:20:00.150 --> 00:20:01.160
  • passionately, but I just can't
  • 00:20:01.160 --> 00:20:03.140
  • do religion."
  • 00:20:03.140 --> 00:20:04.150
  • - John: Wow, what a great
  • 00:20:04.150 --> 00:20:05.040
  • story.
  • 00:20:05.040 --> 00:20:05.240
  • So you end up--God takes your
  • 00:20:05.240 --> 00:20:07.290
  • mess and makes it your message
  • 00:20:07.290 --> 00:20:09.270
  • 'cause now you know.
  • 00:20:09.270 --> 00:20:11.240
  • You can understand.
  • 00:20:11.240 --> 00:20:12.270
  • You can walk a mile in their
  • 00:20:12.270 --> 00:20:14.000
  • shoes, you understand.
  • 00:20:14.000 --> 00:20:16.020
  • And so you end up being a youth
  • 00:20:16.020 --> 00:20:18.120
  • pastor at The Dream Center,
  • 00:20:18.290 --> 00:20:21.290
  • which, you know--
  • 00:20:21.290 --> 00:20:22.290
  • - Aaron: Which was an amazing
  • 00:20:22.290 --> 00:20:23.180
  • story because at the time we
  • 00:20:23.180 --> 00:20:24.160
  • didn't have teenagers.
  • 00:20:24.160 --> 00:20:26.010
  • There were no parents in the
  • 00:20:26.010 --> 00:20:27.050
  • church.
  • 00:20:27.050 --> 00:20:28.100
  • And so we had to go find
  • 00:20:28.100 --> 00:20:29.130
  • teenagers.
  • 00:20:29.130 --> 00:20:30.210
  • And the only teenagers we knew
  • 00:20:30.210 --> 00:20:31.230
  • of in Los Angeles were gang
  • 00:20:31.230 --> 00:20:32.270
  • members.
  • 00:20:32.270 --> 00:20:34.060
  • And so we were going out on the
  • 00:20:34.060 --> 00:20:35.060
  • streets every afternoon, playin'
  • 00:20:35.060 --> 00:20:36.150
  • football with gang members, and
  • 00:20:36.150 --> 00:20:38.020
  • hangin' out with gang members.
  • 00:20:38.020 --> 00:20:39.270
  • And I don't know how many times
  • 00:20:39.270 --> 00:20:40.270
  • LAPD handcuffed me and threw me
  • 00:20:40.270 --> 00:20:42.240
  • on the curb, thinkin' I was
  • 00:20:42.240 --> 00:20:43.280
  • lookin' for drugs or somethin'.
  • 00:20:43.280 --> 00:20:46.030
  • But yeah, so we built this
  • 00:20:46.030 --> 00:20:47.130
  • ministry of just the teenagers
  • 00:20:47.130 --> 00:20:49.140
  • we found, which were gang
  • 00:20:49.140 --> 00:20:50.290
  • members, which really, was
  • 00:20:50.290 --> 00:20:52.150
  • perfect for me because I wanted
  • 00:20:52.150 --> 00:20:54.050
  • to do something extreme for God
  • 00:20:54.050 --> 00:20:55.230
  • because of where I came from.
  • 00:20:55.230 --> 00:20:57.280
  • So it really was a perfect fit
  • 00:20:57.280 --> 00:20:59.050
  • for me because pain is pain.
  • 00:20:59.050 --> 00:21:02.050
  • You know, whether you grow up
  • 00:21:02.050 --> 00:21:03.050
  • with pain in a small town in
  • 00:21:03.050 --> 00:21:04.090
  • Texas or whether you grow up
  • 00:21:04.090 --> 00:21:05.080
  • with pain in the streets
  • 00:21:05.080 --> 00:21:06.120
  • of Los Angeles, it's the same.
  • 00:21:06.120 --> 00:21:08.180
  • And once they could see
  • 00:21:08.180 --> 00:21:09.270
  • my heart and the brokenness
  • 00:21:09.270 --> 00:21:11.240
  • that I had walked through,
  • 00:21:11.240 --> 00:21:13.170
  • I could relate to 'em.
  • 00:21:13.170 --> 00:21:14.210
  • 'Cause it wasn't about me
  • 00:21:14.210 --> 00:21:15.190
  • understanding what it was like
  • 00:21:15.190 --> 00:21:16.210
  • to be a gang member.
  • 00:21:16.210 --> 00:21:18.040
  • It was about me knowing how to
  • 00:21:18.040 --> 00:21:19.030
  • love them and understand what
  • 00:21:19.030 --> 00:21:21.140
  • pain felt like.
  • 00:21:21.140 --> 00:21:23.020
  • - John: Wow, and you know,
  • 00:21:23.020 --> 00:21:24.260
  • today there's such a need for
  • 00:21:24.260 --> 00:21:26.030
  • that, such a need.
  • 00:21:26.030 --> 00:21:27.230
  • There's so many different kinds
  • 00:21:27.230 --> 00:21:29.040
  • of pain out there.
  • 00:21:29.040 --> 00:21:30.120
  • Can you just walk through some
  • 00:21:30.120 --> 00:21:31.170
  • of the things that you actually
  • 00:21:31.170 --> 00:21:33.080
  • recognized with teens today?
  • 00:21:33.080 --> 00:21:35.190
  • - Aaron: You know, I'm actually
  • 00:21:35.190 --> 00:21:36.120
  • pastoring now in a very
  • 00:21:36.120 --> 00:21:38.010
  • suburban, kind of affluent,
  • 00:21:38.010 --> 00:21:40.210
  • wealthy area.
  • 00:21:40.210 --> 00:21:42.040
  • The teenagers of our church are
  • 00:21:42.040 --> 00:21:43.220
  • no different than the teenagers
  • 00:21:43.220 --> 00:21:45.060
  • in Los Angeles.
  • 00:21:45.060 --> 00:21:46.270
  • They have parents that are in
  • 00:21:46.270 --> 00:21:47.230
  • prison.
  • 00:21:47.230 --> 00:21:48.220
  • They have parents that have
  • 00:21:48.220 --> 00:21:49.140
  • committed suicide.
  • 00:21:49.140 --> 00:21:50.250
  • They have parents that are
  • 00:21:50.250 --> 00:21:51.150
  • full-blown drug addicts or sex
  • 00:21:51.150 --> 00:21:53.230
  • addicts, parents that are
  • 00:21:53.230 --> 00:21:55.200
  • workaholics that are just absent
  • 00:21:55.200 --> 00:21:57.150
  • from their life.
  • 00:21:57.150 --> 00:21:59.000
  • We've got some great families
  • 00:21:59.000 --> 00:21:59.210
  • and great parents in our church,
  • 00:21:59.210 --> 00:22:01.200
  • but a lot of these kids, they're
  • 00:22:01.200 --> 00:22:03.010
  • hurting because they don't have
  • 00:22:03.010 --> 00:22:04.190
  • anybody to connect to.
  • 00:22:04.190 --> 00:22:06.220
  • And we're in this social media
  • 00:22:06.220 --> 00:22:08.080
  • world, where everything is, you
  • 00:22:08.080 --> 00:22:10.070
  • know, through the Internet, so
  • 00:22:10.070 --> 00:22:11.290
  • they don't really have real
  • 00:22:11.290 --> 00:22:13.100
  • relationships with people.
  • 00:22:13.100 --> 00:22:15.040
  • and they're crying out for
  • 00:22:15.040 --> 00:22:16.040
  • someone to listen to them, to
  • 00:22:16.040 --> 00:22:17.150
  • hear their heart, to talk to
  • 00:22:17.150 --> 00:22:18.210
  • them, to actually get to know
  • 00:22:18.210 --> 00:22:20.180
  • who they are and speak to the
  • 00:22:20.180 --> 00:22:23.050
  • greatness that God has put
  • 00:22:23.050 --> 00:22:24.160
  • inside of them.
  • 00:22:24.160 --> 00:22:25.210
  • - John: I love that.
  • 00:22:25.210 --> 00:22:26.110
  • One of the greatest times of
  • 00:22:26.110 --> 00:22:28.140
  • life is teenagers.
  • 00:22:28.140 --> 00:22:30.110
  • And we need to stop pushing them
  • 00:22:30.110 --> 00:22:32.140
  • away and instead pull them
  • 00:22:32.140 --> 00:22:34.140
  • close.
  • 00:22:34.140 --> 00:22:35.120
  • What are the things that you've
  • 00:22:35.120 --> 00:22:36.150
  • learnt that pulls them in and
  • 00:22:36.150 --> 00:22:38.100
  • gives them that sense of,
  • 00:22:38.100 --> 00:22:40.170
  • "I belong"?
  • 00:22:40.170 --> 00:22:41.220
  • - Aaron: Unconditional
  • 00:22:41.220 --> 00:22:42.080
  • acceptance, unconditional love,
  • 00:22:42.080 --> 00:22:44.140
  • and let me make it clear.
  • 00:22:44.140 --> 00:22:45.180
  • Unconditional acceptance is not
  • 00:22:45.180 --> 00:22:46.270
  • the same thing as unconditional
  • 00:22:46.270 --> 00:22:48.030
  • approval.
  • 00:22:48.030 --> 00:22:49.100
  • I don't have to approve of their
  • 00:22:49.100 --> 00:22:50.160
  • behavior to accept and love
  • 00:22:50.160 --> 00:22:52.250
  • them.
  • 00:22:52.250 --> 00:22:53.210
  • They need to know that they're
  • 00:22:53.210 --> 00:22:54.140
  • loved.
  • 00:22:54.140 --> 00:22:55.030
  • They need time.
  • 00:22:55.030 --> 00:22:56.070
  • They need--you know, like, I was
  • 00:22:56.070 --> 00:22:57.280
  • speakin' to a guy in our church
  • 00:22:57.280 --> 00:22:58.290
  • the other day who is very
  • 00:22:58.290 --> 00:23:00.120
  • successful and very wealthy, and
  • 00:23:00.120 --> 00:23:02.050
  • he lives his life with regret
  • 00:23:02.050 --> 00:23:03.260
  • now that his kids are grown and
  • 00:23:03.260 --> 00:23:05.040
  • out of the house because he
  • 00:23:05.040 --> 00:23:07.120
  • worked so hard to give them
  • 00:23:07.120 --> 00:23:09.020
  • everything materially and all
  • 00:23:09.020 --> 00:23:11.150
  • his kids ever wanted was his
  • 00:23:11.150 --> 00:23:13.080
  • time.
  • 00:23:13.080 --> 00:23:14.160
  • And so the biggest thing they
  • 00:23:14.160 --> 00:23:15.170
  • need is time and acceptance.
  • 00:23:15.170 --> 00:23:17.220
  • - John: Wow, often I see
  • 00:23:17.220 --> 00:23:18.180
  • churches lowering the standards
  • 00:23:18.180 --> 00:23:21.150
  • so that they can bring the teens
  • 00:23:21.150 --> 00:23:22.270
  • in.
  • 00:23:22.270 --> 00:23:23.210
  • They're not lookin' for that,
  • 00:23:23.210 --> 00:23:24.140
  • are they?
  • 00:23:24.140 --> 00:23:25.080
  • - Aaron: No, no, they're hungry
  • 00:23:25.080 --> 00:23:26.060
  • to live for something.
  • 00:23:26.060 --> 00:23:28.030
  • They want to be challenged.
  • 00:23:28.030 --> 00:23:29.260
  • They don't need you to look like
  • 00:23:29.260 --> 00:23:31.220
  • them and feel like--I tell youth
  • 00:23:31.220 --> 00:23:32.240
  • pastors all the time, "As soon
  • 00:23:32.240 --> 00:23:34.000
  • as you go dye your hair or get a
  • 00:23:34.000 --> 00:23:35.170
  • tattoo or earring, thinking
  • 00:23:35.170 --> 00:23:37.040
  • you're gonna be more effective
  • 00:23:37.040 --> 00:23:38.120
  • with teenagers, you've lost."
  • 00:23:38.120 --> 00:23:40.070
  • They don't need you to relate to
  • 00:23:40.070 --> 00:23:42.050
  • them.
  • 00:23:42.050 --> 00:23:42.290
  • They need you to love them.
  • 00:23:42.290 --> 00:23:44.250
  • There's a big difference.
  • 00:23:44.250 --> 00:23:46.020
  • Jesus couldn't relate to
  • 00:23:46.020 --> 00:23:46.250
  • anybody.
  • 00:23:46.250 --> 00:23:47.140
  • He was without sin.
  • 00:23:47.140 --> 00:23:48.270
  • Yet, sinners loved him because
  • 00:23:48.270 --> 00:23:50.220
  • he knew how to love them.
  • 00:23:50.220 --> 00:23:52.270
  • And that's what they need.
  • 00:23:52.270 --> 00:23:53.270
  • They just need people who will
  • 00:23:53.270 --> 00:23:54.260
  • love them, who will challenge
  • 00:23:54.260 --> 00:23:56.190
  • them to greatness, be tough on
  • 00:23:56.190 --> 00:23:58.170
  • 'em.
  • 00:23:58.170 --> 00:23:59.060
  • Discipline is great for
  • 00:23:59.060 --> 00:24:01.080
  • teenagers because it means
  • 00:24:01.080 --> 00:24:03.000
  • they're loved.
  • 00:24:03.000 --> 00:24:03.270
  • It means, "Somebody loves me
  • 00:24:03.270 --> 00:24:04.200
  • enough to give me some
  • 00:24:04.200 --> 00:24:05.210
  • boundaries.
  • 00:24:05.210 --> 00:24:06.220
  • Somebody loves me enough to
  • 00:24:06.220 --> 00:24:07.220
  • correct me and steer me in the
  • 00:24:07.220 --> 00:24:10.020
  • right direction so that I don't
  • 00:24:10.020 --> 00:24:11.220
  • destroy my life."
  • 00:24:11.220 --> 00:24:13.010
  • They're smart.
  • 00:24:13.010 --> 00:24:14.100
  • They're smart.
  • 00:24:14.100 --> 00:24:15.010
  • They receive discipline.
  • 00:24:15.010 --> 00:24:16.060
  • - John: Have you found that
  • 00:24:16.060 --> 00:24:16.250
  • teenagers actually need church
  • 00:24:16.250 --> 00:24:19.010
  • and find that, you know, find
  • 00:24:19.010 --> 00:24:20.180
  • that they can be committed and
  • 00:24:20.180 --> 00:24:21.280
  • planted in church?
  • 00:24:21.280 --> 00:24:23.070
  • - Aaron: Absolutely, some of
  • 00:24:23.070 --> 00:24:24.050
  • the teenagers in our church are
  • 00:24:24.050 --> 00:24:25.040
  • some of the greatest leaders we
  • 00:24:25.040 --> 00:24:26.100
  • have, but they gotta have a
  • 00:24:26.100 --> 00:24:27.270
  • vision.
  • 00:24:27.270 --> 00:24:28.210
  • And you gotta give 'em a vision
  • 00:24:28.210 --> 00:24:29.250
  • for the kingdom, a vision for
  • 00:24:29.250 --> 00:24:31.120
  • Christ, and let them know their
  • 00:24:31.120 --> 00:24:32.290
  • life matters.
  • 00:24:32.290 --> 00:24:34.170
  • Their life--they were created
  • 00:24:34.170 --> 00:24:35.250
  • for a reason and they're here
  • 00:24:35.250 --> 00:24:37.160
  • for a reason.
  • 00:24:37.160 --> 00:24:39.060
  • And when you speak to that
  • 00:24:39.060 --> 00:24:40.110
  • greatness, they're some of the
  • 00:24:40.110 --> 00:24:41.110
  • greatest Christians in our
  • 00:24:41.110 --> 00:24:42.180
  • church, passionate, serve,
  • 00:24:42.180 --> 00:24:45.070
  • faithful.
  • 00:24:45.070 --> 00:24:46.120
  • They're hungry for that.
  • 00:24:46.120 --> 00:24:48.000
  • - John: So if we look at
  • 00:24:48.000 --> 00:24:49.150
  • teenagers today, it's so
  • 00:24:49.150 --> 00:24:50.220
  • important to understand that
  • 00:24:50.220 --> 00:24:52.130
  • they have a purpose.
  • 00:24:52.130 --> 00:24:54.020
  • They were created with a
  • 00:24:54.020 --> 00:24:54.290
  • purpose.
  • 00:24:54.290 --> 00:24:55.170
  • There is a passion on the inside
  • 00:24:55.170 --> 00:24:56.230
  • of them.
  • 00:24:56.230 --> 00:24:57.240
  • And I think the greatest job for
  • 00:24:57.240 --> 00:24:58.270
  • every parent is discover what
  • 00:24:58.270 --> 00:25:01.000
  • that passion is.
  • 00:25:01.000 --> 00:25:02.140
  • Find out that passion and then
  • 00:25:02.140 --> 00:25:03.290
  • fuel that passion.
  • 00:25:03.290 --> 00:25:05.160
  • And as they're runnin', you
  • 00:25:05.160 --> 00:25:07.190
  • know, runnin' for the passion in
  • 00:25:07.190 --> 00:25:09.050
  • their heart, it's the best
  • 00:25:09.050 --> 00:25:10.280
  • defense against all that other
  • 00:25:10.280 --> 00:25:12.180
  • stuff in their world.
  • 00:25:12.180 --> 00:25:13.230
  • - Aaron: 'Cause it gives 'em
  • 00:25:13.230 --> 00:25:14.130
  • vision, and vision is what gives
  • 00:25:14.130 --> 00:25:15.170
  • 'em that kinda focus and that
  • 00:25:15.170 --> 00:25:17.020
  • discipline.
  • 00:25:17.020 --> 00:25:18.010
  • And I never understand where
  • 00:25:18.010 --> 00:25:18.260
  • parents, like, if a kid was bad
  • 00:25:18.260 --> 00:25:20.100
  • at something, they made him do
  • 00:25:20.100 --> 00:25:22.080
  • more of it.
  • 00:25:22.080 --> 00:25:23.170
  • It's like, "Look, they're never
  • 00:25:23.170 --> 00:25:24.070
  • gonna make money doing that.
  • 00:25:24.070 --> 00:25:25.220
  • They're never gonna build a
  • 00:25:25.220 --> 00:25:26.130
  • career doing that.
  • 00:25:26.130 --> 00:25:27.210
  • It's not what they're called to
  • 00:25:27.210 --> 00:25:28.240
  • do.
  • 00:25:28.240 --> 00:25:29.160
  • So don't build on their
  • 00:25:29.160 --> 00:25:30.160
  • weaknesses.
  • 00:25:30.160 --> 00:25:31.120
  • Build on their strengths, their
  • 00:25:31.120 --> 00:25:32.140
  • passions.
  • 00:25:32.140 --> 00:25:33.070
  • What are they good at?
  • 00:25:33.070 --> 00:25:34.040
  • What do they love?
  • 00:25:34.040 --> 00:25:35.070
  • And just get 'em focused on
  • 00:25:35.070 --> 00:25:36.140
  • that, and they'll be world
  • 00:25:36.140 --> 00:25:38.080
  • changers."
  • 00:25:38.080 --> 00:25:39.050
  • - John: If you think back to
  • 00:25:39.050 --> 00:25:39.240
  • when you were a teenager, was
  • 00:25:39.240 --> 00:25:41.030
  • that what the, kinda the way
  • 00:25:41.030 --> 00:25:42.200
  • they treated you?
  • 00:25:42.200 --> 00:25:43.210
  • Or do you find something else
  • 00:25:43.210 --> 00:25:44.190
  • was happening?
  • 00:25:44.190 --> 00:25:45.220
  • - Aaron: No, man, they were
  • 00:25:45.220 --> 00:25:46.150
  • tryin' to control me, fix me,
  • 00:25:46.150 --> 00:25:47.210
  • change me.
  • 00:25:47.210 --> 00:25:49.100
  • It's like if I wasn't good at
  • 00:25:49.100 --> 00:25:50.040
  • something, I was in remedial
  • 00:25:50.040 --> 00:25:51.060
  • classes constantly, tryin' to
  • 00:25:51.060 --> 00:25:53.020
  • get better at what I wasn't good
  • 00:25:53.020 --> 00:25:54.190
  • at, things that I don't even use
  • 00:25:54.190 --> 00:25:55.260
  • today.
  • 00:25:55.260 --> 00:25:57.050
  • When if, I could've just built a
  • 00:25:57.050 --> 00:25:58.140
  • little more of my passions,
  • 00:25:58.140 --> 00:26:00.290
  • I probably wouldn't have veered
  • 00:26:00.290 --> 00:26:02.060
  • off to all the other things.
  • 00:26:02.060 --> 00:26:04.030
  • I think when you're frustrated,
  • 00:26:04.030 --> 00:26:05.210
  • that's when you get involved
  • 00:26:05.210 --> 00:26:06.140
  • with the temptation, the drugs,
  • 00:26:06.140 --> 00:26:07.240
  • the alcohol, the parties,
  • 00:26:07.240 --> 00:26:09.220
  • because you're frustrated
  • 00:26:09.220 --> 00:26:10.210
  • because you're not doing what
  • 00:26:10.210 --> 00:26:11.210
  • you love.
  • 00:26:11.210 --> 00:26:12.220
  • - John: Absolutely, we have a
  • 00:26:12.220 --> 00:26:13.190
  • grandson who's just brilliant.
  • 00:26:13.190 --> 00:26:16.080
  • He could do anything
  • 00:26:16.080 --> 00:26:17.110
  • academically, but he doesn't
  • 00:26:17.110 --> 00:26:18.180
  • want to.
  • 00:26:18.180 --> 00:26:19.170
  • All he wants is guitar and
  • 00:26:19.170 --> 00:26:21.090
  • worship and just--and we just
  • 00:26:21.140 --> 00:26:24.140
  • found to feed that, and just get
  • 00:26:24.140 --> 00:26:26.110
  • him goin' in that direction.
  • 00:26:26.110 --> 00:26:28.070
  • And then, you know what?
  • 00:26:28.070 --> 00:26:29.000
  • He can pass any test he wants to
  • 00:26:29.000 --> 00:26:30.200
  • pass.
  • 00:26:30.200 --> 00:26:31.070
  • Why?
  • 00:26:31.070 --> 00:26:32.050
  • Because he wants to feel his,
  • 00:26:32.050 --> 00:26:33.260
  • you know, he wants to run after
  • 00:26:33.260 --> 00:26:35.030
  • his dream.
  • 00:26:35.030 --> 00:26:35.270
  • - Aaron: When a teenager is
  • 00:26:35.270 --> 00:26:36.190
  • doing what they love to do,
  • 00:26:36.190 --> 00:26:38.290
  • they're not gonna do the other
  • 00:26:38.290 --> 00:26:40.090
  • things, like drugs, alcohol, and
  • 00:26:40.090 --> 00:26:41.250
  • bad choices.
  • 00:26:41.250 --> 00:26:43.060
  • - John: So, yeah, so important,
  • 00:26:43.060 --> 00:26:44.160
  • I love this.
  • 00:26:44.160 --> 00:26:45.090
  • We'll be back and talk more
  • 00:26:45.090 --> 00:26:46.200
  • - Niyah: Man, such great
  • 00:26:49.100 --> 00:26:49.270
  • insight.
  • 00:26:49.270 --> 00:26:50.180
  • Now, after the break we welcome
  • 00:26:50.180 --> 00:26:51.110
  • Aaron to the studio to continue
  • 00:26:51.110 --> 00:26:52.250
  • this interesting discussion.
  • 00:26:52.250 --> 00:26:54.240
  • [music]
  • 00:27:03.070 --> 00:27:06.070
  • - Niyah: Now, welcome back to
  • 00:27:06.070 --> 00:27:06.280
  • "Sex, Love & Relationships."
  • 00:27:06.280 --> 00:27:08.120
  • Now, we just saw John discuss
  • 00:27:08.120 --> 00:27:09.210
  • the topic of teens with Aaron,
  • 00:27:09.210 --> 00:27:11.180
  • who shared his story with us.
  • 00:27:11.180 --> 00:27:13.120
  • And now he joins us here in the
  • 00:27:13.120 --> 00:27:14.230
  • studio.
  • 00:27:14.230 --> 00:27:15.160
  • Welcome, Aaron.
  • 00:27:15.160 --> 00:27:16.090
  • - Aaron: Thank you so much.
  • 00:27:16.090 --> 00:27:17.070
  • It's so good to be with you
  • 00:27:17.070 --> 00:27:17.270
  • guys.
  • 00:27:17.270 --> 00:27:18.180
  • - Niyah: I'm excited.
  • 00:27:18.180 --> 00:27:19.040
  • Now, we're talkin' about teens
  • 00:27:19.040 --> 00:27:20.080
  • today.
  • 00:27:20.080 --> 00:27:20.250
  • Talk to me.
  • 00:27:20.250 --> 00:27:21.230
  • It feels so long ago when I was
  • 00:27:21.230 --> 00:27:23.240
  • a teenager, but I can imagine
  • 00:27:23.240 --> 00:27:25.260
  • parents, you know, who are
  • 00:27:25.260 --> 00:27:27.210
  • raising teens right now.
  • 00:27:27.210 --> 00:27:29.260
  • What's the biggest thing you
  • 00:27:29.260 --> 00:27:30.210
  • would tell them?
  • 00:27:30.210 --> 00:27:31.200
  • What's some advice you would
  • 00:27:31.200 --> 00:27:32.140
  • give them for the--?
  • 00:27:32.140 --> 00:27:33.110
  • - Aaron: I'd say, you know,
  • 00:27:33.110 --> 00:27:34.150
  • a lot of parents have discipline
  • 00:27:34.150 --> 00:27:35.130
  • problems with teenagers.
  • 00:27:35.130 --> 00:27:36.230
  • I was a youth pastor
  • 00:27:36.230 --> 00:27:37.190
  • in Los Angeles for years
  • 00:27:37.190 --> 00:27:39.230
  • and working with gang members
  • 00:27:39.230 --> 00:27:41.060
  • and everything else.
  • 00:27:41.060 --> 00:27:42.180
  • And what I realized is that most
  • 00:27:42.180 --> 00:27:44.200
  • kids don't really have a
  • 00:27:44.200 --> 00:27:45.220
  • discipline problem.
  • 00:27:45.220 --> 00:27:46.270
  • They have a vision problem.
  • 00:27:46.270 --> 00:27:48.120
  • They don't have anything they're
  • 00:27:48.120 --> 00:27:49.010
  • living for.
  • 00:27:49.010 --> 00:27:50.120
  • You know, coming from
  • 00:27:50.120 --> 00:27:51.090
  • Los Angeles I saw,
  • 00:27:51.090 --> 00:27:51.290
  • you know, teenage kids,
  • 00:27:51.290 --> 00:27:53.240
  • and 18, and 19, and young adults
  • 00:27:53.240 --> 00:27:55.270
  • would starve their body
  • 00:27:55.270 --> 00:27:58.150
  • to look a certain way because
  • 00:27:58.150 --> 00:27:59.260
  • they wanted to be a movie star.
  • 00:27:59.260 --> 00:28:02.080
  • They had incredible discipline.
  • 00:28:02.080 --> 00:28:04.080
  • Well, where did that discipline
  • 00:28:04.080 --> 00:28:04.270
  • come from?
  • 00:28:04.270 --> 00:28:05.140
  • They had a vision?
  • 00:28:05.140 --> 00:28:06.130
  • They had a vision of what they
  • 00:28:06.130 --> 00:28:07.130
  • wanted to do with their life,
  • 00:28:07.130 --> 00:28:08.160
  • and that vision produces
  • 00:28:08.160 --> 00:28:10.140
  • discipline.
  • 00:28:10.140 --> 00:28:11.140
  • I think a lot of kids today, we
  • 00:28:11.140 --> 00:28:12.150
  • need to speak greatness to them.
  • 00:28:12.150 --> 00:28:14.180
  • We gotta speak to what they can
  • 00:28:14.180 --> 00:28:16.250
  • be and what's possible in their
  • 00:28:16.250 --> 00:28:18.250
  • life because when they get a
  • 00:28:18.250 --> 00:28:20.020
  • vision for what they can be,
  • 00:28:20.020 --> 00:28:22.020
  • they have incredible discipline
  • 00:28:22.020 --> 00:28:23.280
  • to get them to that place.
  • 00:28:23.280 --> 00:28:26.090
  • And there's so many things
  • 00:28:26.090 --> 00:28:27.080
  • comin' at 'em right now.
  • 00:28:27.080 --> 00:28:28.070
  • There's so many, you know,
  • 00:28:28.070 --> 00:28:29.130
  • bondages and addictions, and you
  • 00:28:29.130 --> 00:28:31.020
  • know, especially sexual
  • 00:28:31.020 --> 00:28:31.250
  • addiction right now amongst
  • 00:28:31.250 --> 00:28:33.140
  • teenagers.
  • 00:28:33.140 --> 00:28:34.220
  • It's at an all-time high because
  • 00:28:34.220 --> 00:28:36.150
  • of technology that you've gotta
  • 00:28:36.150 --> 00:28:38.070
  • give them something bigger to
  • 00:28:38.070 --> 00:28:39.180
  • live for.
  • 00:28:39.180 --> 00:28:40.150
  • - Helen: You know--
  • 00:28:40.150 --> 00:28:41.030
  • - John: So, talk to us--go
  • 00:28:41.030 --> 00:28:41.230
  • ahead.
  • 00:28:41.230 --> 00:28:42.120
  • - Helen: I was gonna say, as
  • 00:28:42.120 --> 00:28:43.040
  • parents that I think often we
  • 00:28:43.040 --> 00:28:44.090
  • feel like we can't keep up with
  • 00:28:44.090 --> 00:28:45.150
  • our kids with technology.
  • 00:28:45.150 --> 00:28:47.250
  • We feel like they're ahead of
  • 00:28:47.250 --> 00:28:48.240
  • us, and so we just kinda let
  • 00:28:48.240 --> 00:28:50.170
  • them run it.
  • 00:28:50.170 --> 00:28:51.200
  • But I think parents, if your
  • 00:28:51.200 --> 00:28:53.030
  • kids have any sort of
  • 00:28:53.030 --> 00:28:54.030
  • technology, it is our
  • 00:28:54.030 --> 00:28:55.070
  • responsibility to actually know
  • 00:28:55.070 --> 00:28:57.000
  • what gadget, whatever it is,
  • 00:28:57.000 --> 00:28:59.160
  • does.
  • 00:28:59.160 --> 00:29:00.070
  • - Aaron: I mean, as a parent,
  • 00:29:00.070 --> 00:29:00.290
  • you cannot, right now, afford to
  • 00:29:00.290 --> 00:29:02.140
  • not know what's going on.
  • 00:29:02.140 --> 00:29:04.100
  • You can't.
  • 00:29:04.100 --> 00:29:05.140
  • Satan is being so strategic with
  • 00:29:05.140 --> 00:29:08.130
  • all of the apps and the
  • 00:29:08.130 --> 00:29:09.240
  • technology.
  • 00:29:09.240 --> 00:29:10.270
  • Like, I honestly, you know,
  • 00:29:10.270 --> 00:29:12.200
  • support a curfew at night where
  • 00:29:12.200 --> 00:29:14.190
  • all of the technology goes into
  • 00:29:14.190 --> 00:29:16.010
  • a box at a certain time.
  • 00:29:16.010 --> 00:29:18.010
  • You should never have a teenager
  • 00:29:18.010 --> 00:29:19.220
  • in your house going to their
  • 00:29:19.220 --> 00:29:21.100
  • bedroom privately at night with
  • 00:29:21.100 --> 00:29:23.270
  • technology, not with everything
  • 00:29:23.270 --> 00:29:25.250
  • that's available out there.
  • 00:29:25.250 --> 00:29:27.250
  • You know, you cannot just assume
  • 00:29:27.250 --> 00:29:30.190
  • because they could be innocently
  • 00:29:30.190 --> 00:29:32.110
  • looking for something for school
  • 00:29:32.110 --> 00:29:33.210
  • and all of the pornography
  • 00:29:33.210 --> 00:29:35.240
  • companies are so strategic with
  • 00:29:35.240 --> 00:29:37.170
  • all the key words and all the
  • 00:29:37.170 --> 00:29:38.190
  • search engines because they're
  • 00:29:38.190 --> 00:29:40.150
  • wanting to get a hook into those
  • 00:29:40.150 --> 00:29:42.020
  • children.
  • 00:29:42.020 --> 00:29:43.120
  • And so I think, you know, set a
  • 00:29:43.120 --> 00:29:44.120
  • time at night where all of the
  • 00:29:44.120 --> 00:29:45.260
  • technology goes off.
  • 00:29:45.260 --> 00:29:47.130
  • You don't get to go to bed with
  • 00:29:47.130 --> 00:29:48.130
  • your technology.
  • 00:29:48.130 --> 00:29:49.130
  • It doesn't stay in your room
  • 00:29:49.130 --> 00:29:50.110
  • with you at night.
  • 00:29:50.110 --> 00:29:51.190
  • And as a parent, you gotta know
  • 00:29:51.190 --> 00:29:52.190
  • the social media sites.
  • 00:29:52.190 --> 00:29:54.250
  • You gotta have passwords to
  • 00:29:54.250 --> 00:29:56.000
  • your--I mean, if they're not 18,
  • 00:29:56.000 --> 00:29:57.260
  • you need to have all their
  • 00:29:57.260 --> 00:29:59.030
  • passwords and you need to be
  • 00:29:59.030 --> 00:30:00.210
  • checking up on them.
  • 00:30:00.210 --> 00:30:02.180
  • Not because you don't trust them
  • 00:30:02.180 --> 00:30:03.210
  • but because you don't trust
  • 00:30:03.210 --> 00:30:04.220
  • Satan.
  • 00:30:04.220 --> 00:30:05.250
  • You don't trust what he's trying
  • 00:30:05.250 --> 00:30:06.230
  • to do to them.
  • 00:30:06.230 --> 00:30:08.140
  • You've gotta be engaged.
  • 00:30:08.140 --> 00:30:09.110
  • - John: Yeah, that's so
  • 00:30:09.110 --> 00:30:10.090
  • important.
  • 00:30:10.090 --> 00:30:11.000
  • - Aaron: You would be shocked
  • 00:30:11.000 --> 00:30:11.240
  • right now at how many 8 and
  • 00:30:11.240 --> 00:30:13.040
  • 9-year-old girls are addicted to
  • 00:30:13.040 --> 00:30:14.240
  • pornography in America, an
  • 00:30:14.240 --> 00:30:16.180
  • epidemic amongst 8 and
  • 00:30:16.180 --> 00:30:18.100
  • 9-year-old girls.
  • 00:30:18.100 --> 00:30:19.210
  • The average age for a boy
  • 00:30:19.210 --> 00:30:21.070
  • in America to view pornography
  • 00:30:21.070 --> 00:30:22.250
  • is 5 years old.
  • 00:30:22.250 --> 00:30:25.110
  • It's the average age right now
  • 00:30:25.110 --> 00:30:26.160
  • is 5 years old for a boy to
  • 00:30:26.160 --> 00:30:27.180
  • first-time view of pornography.
  • 00:30:28.010 --> 00:30:31.010
  • So they're starting younger and
  • 00:30:31.010 --> 00:30:32.050
  • younger and younger.
  • 00:30:32.050 --> 00:30:33.130
  • I heard someone the other day
  • 00:30:33.130 --> 00:30:34.050
  • say, "Well, when do you have the
  • 00:30:34.050 --> 00:30:35.060
  • sex talk?"
  • 00:30:35.060 --> 00:30:36.050
  • You know, "When--?"
  • 00:30:36.050 --> 00:30:36.230
  • You know, "When is it, you know,
  • 00:30:36.230 --> 00:30:39.060
  • how old do they have to be?"
  • 00:30:39.060 --> 00:30:40.200
  • And it's the question is not how
  • 00:30:40.200 --> 00:30:41.190
  • old they have to be.
  • 00:30:41.190 --> 00:30:42.180
  • It's, "When is it too late?"
  • 00:30:42.180 --> 00:30:44.160
  • Like, we've gotta start younger
  • 00:30:44.160 --> 00:30:45.220
  • now because they're hearing
  • 00:30:45.220 --> 00:30:47.250
  • things at 7, 8, 9 years old that
  • 00:30:48.020 --> 00:30:51.020
  • if they don't have somebody
  • 00:30:51.020 --> 00:30:53.070
  • helping them process that
  • 00:30:53.070 --> 00:30:54.140
  • information, Satan's gonna use
  • 00:30:54.140 --> 00:30:56.130
  • it and pervert it in their life.
  • 00:30:56.130 --> 00:30:58.160
  • You know, one of the pieces of
  • 00:30:58.160 --> 00:30:59.150
  • wisdom I got from Josh McDowell
  • 00:30:59.150 --> 00:31:02.030
  • is he said, "As a parent, you
  • 00:31:02.030 --> 00:31:04.070
  • can never flinch when your child
  • 00:31:04.070 --> 00:31:05.130
  • asks you a question because if
  • 00:31:05.130 --> 00:31:07.110
  • you flinch, if you say,
  • 00:31:07.110 --> 00:31:08.280
  • 'No, we don't talk about that
  • 00:31:08.280 --> 00:31:09.250
  • at the dinner table,' or,
  • 00:31:09.250 --> 00:31:10.220
  • 'That's not,'
  • 00:31:10.220 --> 00:31:11.120
  • you know, 'We don't talk about
  • 00:31:11.120 --> 00:31:12.080
  • that,' they'll learn that,
  • 00:31:12.080 --> 00:31:14.290
  • 'That's not a topic I go
  • 00:31:14.290 --> 00:31:17.020
  • to my parents with.
  • 00:31:17.020 --> 00:31:18.050
  • That's a topic
  • 00:31:18.050 --> 00:31:18.260
  • I go to my friends with."
  • 00:31:18.260 --> 00:31:19.260
  • - Helen: As you were talking
  • 00:31:19.260 --> 00:31:20.250
  • earlier about how Satan is out
  • 00:31:20.250 --> 00:31:23.170
  • to get our young children by 5,
  • 00:31:23.170 --> 00:31:25.210
  • I just could hear all kinds of
  • 00:31:25.210 --> 00:31:27.040
  • parents out there thinking this,
  • 00:31:27.040 --> 00:31:28.280
  • "Yeah, but not my kid.
  • 00:31:28.280 --> 00:31:30.190
  • This is not happening.
  • 00:31:30.190 --> 00:31:31.270
  • My kid prays with me.
  • 00:31:31.270 --> 00:31:33.170
  • My kid loves Jesus."
  • 00:31:33.170 --> 00:31:34.250
  • And I believe that.
  • 00:31:34.250 --> 00:31:36.010
  • But I think we're so naïve, and
  • 00:31:36.010 --> 00:31:37.230
  • I know that's common.
  • 00:31:37.230 --> 00:31:39.000
  • "Everyone else may struggle with
  • 00:31:39.000 --> 00:31:40.050
  • it, but not my kid."
  • 00:31:40.050 --> 00:31:42.040
  • And that's where I think that we
  • 00:31:42.040 --> 00:31:43.080
  • have to still do due diligence,
  • 00:31:43.080 --> 00:31:45.150
  • do everything that we know to do
  • 00:31:45.150 --> 00:31:46.240
  • with--put up a guard.
  • 00:31:46.240 --> 00:31:48.180
  • John always says, "We can't
  • 00:31:48.180 --> 00:31:49.200
  • control our children, maybe, but
  • 00:31:49.200 --> 00:31:51.090
  • boy, we can control their
  • 00:31:51.090 --> 00:31:52.090
  • environment."
  • 00:31:52.090 --> 00:31:53.130
  • We have to.
  • 00:31:53.130 --> 00:31:54.100
  • That's our responsibility.
  • 00:31:54.100 --> 00:31:55.190
  • - John: We don't have an
  • 00:31:55.190 --> 00:31:56.050
  • option.
  • 00:31:56.050 --> 00:31:56.230
  • So, you know, give us some more
  • 00:31:56.230 --> 00:31:58.260
  • tips as parents.
  • 00:31:58.260 --> 00:31:59.270
  • Like, for instance, if you're a
  • 00:31:59.270 --> 00:32:00.290
  • parent and discovered your child
  • 00:32:00.290 --> 00:32:02.210
  • on the Internet with porn.
  • 00:32:03.060 --> 00:32:06.060
  • - Aaron: You know, you have to
  • 00:32:06.060 --> 00:32:07.020
  • have a very loving conversation.
  • 00:32:07.020 --> 00:32:09.080
  • You first have to make sure they
  • 00:32:09.080 --> 00:32:10.180
  • don't feel any shame at all,
  • 00:32:10.190 --> 00:32:13.190
  • like never like, "You should be
  • 00:32:13.190 --> 00:32:14.260
  • ashamed of yourself," or,
  • 00:32:14.260 --> 00:32:16.050
  • "We don't do things like that."
  • 00:32:16.050 --> 00:32:17.230
  • You've got to cover them
  • 00:32:17.230 --> 00:32:18.260
  • with grace.
  • 00:32:18.260 --> 00:32:19.170
  • You've gotta let 'em know
  • 00:32:19.170 --> 00:32:20.130
  • they're not a freak.
  • 00:32:20.130 --> 00:32:21.190
  • They're not a pervert.
  • 00:32:21.190 --> 00:32:22.270
  • There's nothing wrong with them.
  • 00:32:22.270 --> 00:32:24.220
  • "God put this healthy desire in
  • 00:32:24.220 --> 00:32:26.140
  • us for sexuality.
  • 00:32:26.140 --> 00:32:28.110
  • Let me teach you how we fulfill
  • 00:32:28.110 --> 00:32:30.230
  • that desire God's way.
  • 00:32:30.230 --> 00:32:33.060
  • God gave you that desire.
  • 00:32:33.060 --> 00:32:34.100
  • He created us.
  • 00:32:34.100 --> 00:32:35.050
  • It's a beautiful gift.
  • 00:32:35.050 --> 00:32:36.200
  • If you break it, you're setting
  • 00:32:36.200 --> 00:32:38.060
  • your life up for a lot of pain
  • 00:32:38.060 --> 00:32:41.030
  • and a lot of heartache."
  • 00:32:41.030 --> 00:32:42.230
  • And you gotta be honest with
  • 00:32:42.230 --> 00:32:43.180
  • them, but you gotta help them
  • 00:32:43.180 --> 00:32:44.190
  • understand God's plan sexually.
  • 00:32:44.190 --> 00:32:46.260
  • A lot of times, parents just do
  • 00:32:46.260 --> 00:32:47.280
  • the birds and the bees talk and
  • 00:32:47.280 --> 00:32:49.140
  • it's all about anatomy.
  • 00:32:49.140 --> 00:32:50.120
  • You know, like, "This is how it
  • 00:32:50.120 --> 00:32:51.250
  • works."
  • 00:32:51.250 --> 00:32:52.250
  • Well, what they really need is
  • 00:32:52.250 --> 00:32:53.250
  • the talk that Paul gave where he
  • 00:32:53.250 --> 00:32:55.230
  • says, "Do you not know that when
  • 00:32:55.230 --> 00:32:57.130
  • you have sex with a prostitute
  • 00:32:57.130 --> 00:32:59.290
  • or with anyone, when you create
  • 00:32:59.290 --> 00:33:01.160
  • a sexual experience without real
  • 00:33:01.160 --> 00:33:04.060
  • intimacy, you're damaging your
  • 00:33:04.060 --> 00:33:06.250
  • soul at the deepest possible
  • 00:33:06.250 --> 00:33:08.180
  • level, making it near impossible
  • 00:33:08.180 --> 00:33:10.220
  • for you to connect intimately
  • 00:33:10.220 --> 00:33:13.130
  • one day when you do get
  • 00:33:13.130 --> 00:33:14.150
  • married."
  • 00:33:14.150 --> 00:33:15.170
  • And that's Satan's goal.
  • 00:33:15.170 --> 00:33:16.130
  • - Niyah: Let me ask you this.
  • 00:33:16.130 --> 00:33:17.010
  • For the parents that are out
  • 00:33:17.010 --> 00:33:17.280
  • there and say, "You know, well,
  • 00:33:17.280 --> 00:33:18.290
  • my kid, I didn't find sex or
  • 00:33:18.290 --> 00:33:20.240
  • porn on their, you know, devices
  • 00:33:20.240 --> 00:33:22.130
  • or anything like that, but
  • 00:33:22.130 --> 00:33:23.200
  • they're going to places that I
  • 00:33:23.200 --> 00:33:25.000
  • don't really, I really don't
  • 00:33:25.000 --> 00:33:26.170
  • want them to.
  • 00:33:26.170 --> 00:33:27.110
  • They're getting addicted to,
  • 00:33:27.110 --> 00:33:28.050
  • maybe, watching the celebrities
  • 00:33:28.050 --> 00:33:31.000
  • and now my child wants to look
  • 00:33:31.000 --> 00:33:32.150
  • like them.
  • 00:33:32.150 --> 00:33:33.100
  • It's just becoming an unhealthy
  • 00:33:33.100 --> 00:33:34.060
  • relationship.
  • 00:33:34.060 --> 00:33:35.000
  • They're always on social media
  • 00:33:35.000 --> 00:33:36.010
  • and stuff like that."
  • 00:33:36.010 --> 00:33:37.060
  • How do you get the voice of, you
  • 00:33:37.060 --> 00:33:39.280
  • know, making sure the voice of
  • 00:33:39.280 --> 00:33:40.280
  • the media is not as loud as your
  • 00:33:40.280 --> 00:33:42.260
  • voice or the voice of God for
  • 00:33:42.260 --> 00:33:44.160
  • your child?
  • 00:33:44.160 --> 00:33:45.120
  • - Aaron: Well, you set limits.
  • 00:33:45.120 --> 00:33:46.130
  • I mean, you are the parent.
  • 00:33:46.130 --> 00:33:47.070
  • You set limits.
  • 00:33:47.070 --> 00:33:48.110
  • You set boundaries.
  • 00:33:48.110 --> 00:33:49.170
  • You teach healthy boundaries.
  • 00:33:49.170 --> 00:33:51.120
  • And above that, you have to
  • 00:33:51.120 --> 00:33:53.020
  • strategically create
  • 00:33:53.020 --> 00:33:55.010
  • relationship with your child.
  • 00:33:55.010 --> 00:33:56.270
  • What my pastor, one of the
  • 00:33:56.270 --> 00:33:58.060
  • things he did with all of his
  • 00:33:58.060 --> 00:33:59.070
  • teenagers is teenagers love to
  • 00:33:59.070 --> 00:34:00.280
  • stay up late at night.
  • 00:34:00.280 --> 00:34:02.180
  • Well, in their home they had a
  • 00:34:02.180 --> 00:34:03.210
  • curfew.
  • 00:34:03.210 --> 00:34:04.190
  • I think it was either 9 o'clock
  • 00:34:04.190 --> 00:34:05.130
  • or 10 o'clock.
  • 00:34:05.130 --> 00:34:06.150
  • And the only way they could stay
  • 00:34:06.150 --> 00:34:08.030
  • up past their curfew is if they
  • 00:34:08.030 --> 00:34:10.140
  • came up to mom and dad's room
  • 00:34:10.140 --> 00:34:12.010
  • and sat on mom and dad's bed and
  • 00:34:12.010 --> 00:34:14.130
  • they could talk.
  • 00:34:14.130 --> 00:34:15.100
  • They could talk all night long
  • 00:34:15.100 --> 00:34:16.140
  • to mom and dad.
  • 00:34:16.140 --> 00:34:17.120
  • Like, there were nights they
  • 00:34:17.120 --> 00:34:18.020
  • wanted to go to sleep, but they
  • 00:34:18.020 --> 00:34:19.150
  • would stay up as late as their
  • 00:34:19.150 --> 00:34:21.040
  • kids wanted.
  • 00:34:21.040 --> 00:34:21.280
  • And here's the thing, teenagers,
  • 00:34:21.280 --> 00:34:23.100
  • 9-10 o'clock at night, are more
  • 00:34:23.100 --> 00:34:24.230
  • vulnerable.
  • 00:34:24.230 --> 00:34:25.260
  • They're more transparent.
  • 00:34:25.260 --> 00:34:27.130
  • The heartfelt conversations they
  • 00:34:27.130 --> 00:34:29.140
  • had, what were they doing?
  • 00:34:29.140 --> 00:34:30.150
  • They were tricking their kids
  • 00:34:30.150 --> 00:34:31.170
  • into a relationship by luring
  • 00:34:31.170 --> 00:34:34.010
  • them with something they wanted.
  • 00:34:34.010 --> 00:34:34.290
  • Like, "You can't stay up down
  • 00:34:34.290 --> 00:34:36.000
  • watching TV.
  • 00:34:36.000 --> 00:34:37.180
  • You can't stay up playing video
  • 00:34:37.180 --> 00:34:38.130
  • games.
  • 00:34:38.130 --> 00:34:39.040
  • If you wanna stay up late, you
  • 00:34:39.040 --> 00:34:40.010
  • come to mom and dad's room, and
  • 00:34:40.010 --> 00:34:41.130
  • you can lie on our bed, and
  • 00:34:41.130 --> 00:34:42.260
  • we'll talk, and we'll hang out,
  • 00:34:42.260 --> 00:34:44.290
  • and we'll have fun as long as
  • 00:34:44.290 --> 00:34:45.270
  • you want because it's all about
  • 00:34:45.270 --> 00:34:47.110
  • relationships."
  • 00:34:47.110 --> 00:34:48.070
  • That's the key.
  • 00:34:48.070 --> 00:34:48.270
  • - John: So how important is the
  • 00:34:48.270 --> 00:34:49.260
  • marriage?
  • 00:34:49.260 --> 00:34:50.290
  • - Aaron: Marriage is critical.
  • 00:34:50.290 --> 00:34:52.210
  • One of the big problems in
  • 00:34:52.210 --> 00:34:53.180
  • America now is too many married
  • 00:34:53.180 --> 00:34:55.110
  • couples are putting their
  • 00:34:55.110 --> 00:34:57.000
  • children in front of each other.
  • 00:34:57.000 --> 00:34:59.130
  • You know, when you're on a
  • 00:34:59.130 --> 00:35:00.060
  • plane, they tell you to put the
  • 00:35:00.060 --> 00:35:01.060
  • oxygen mask on you before you
  • 00:35:01.060 --> 00:35:02.140
  • put the oxygen mask on the
  • 00:35:02.140 --> 00:35:03.270
  • child.
  • 00:35:03.270 --> 00:35:05.080
  • Well, in a marriage, that's the
  • 00:35:05.080 --> 00:35:06.170
  • marriage first.
  • 00:35:06.170 --> 00:35:08.050
  • Like, 30 years ago, a child's
  • 00:35:08.050 --> 00:35:10.030
  • sense of identity and security
  • 00:35:10.030 --> 00:35:12.070
  • and self-esteem came from the
  • 00:35:12.070 --> 00:35:13.160
  • fact that, "My mom and dad loves
  • 00:35:13.160 --> 00:35:14.230
  • me."
  • 00:35:14.230 --> 00:35:16.010
  • That's not true anymore.
  • 00:35:16.010 --> 00:35:17.100
  • If you study psychology today, a
  • 00:35:17.100 --> 00:35:18.140
  • child's sense of self-esteem,
  • 00:35:18.140 --> 00:35:20.270
  • security, and identity today
  • 00:35:20.270 --> 00:35:23.010
  • comes from the fact that, "My
  • 00:35:23.010 --> 00:35:24.090
  • mom loves my dad and my dad
  • 00:35:24.090 --> 00:35:25.220
  • loves my mom."
  • 00:35:25.220 --> 00:35:27.140
  • Because they're going to school
  • 00:35:27.140 --> 00:35:29.000
  • with friends who are living in
  • 00:35:29.000 --> 00:35:30.020
  • broken homes.
  • 00:35:30.020 --> 00:35:30.290
  • And every time their parents get
  • 00:35:30.290 --> 00:35:32.030
  • in a fight, they're dealing with
  • 00:35:32.030 --> 00:35:33.210
  • stress and anxiety, "Am I gonna
  • 00:35:33.210 --> 00:35:35.050
  • end up like my friend?"
  • 00:35:35.050 --> 00:35:37.260
  • And you have an epidemic right
  • 00:35:37.260 --> 00:35:38.280
  • now of elementary-aged kids,
  • 00:35:38.280 --> 00:35:40.110
  • middle-school kids struggling
  • 00:35:40.110 --> 00:35:42.260
  • with anxiety and depression like
  • 00:35:42.260 --> 00:35:44.190
  • never before.
  • 00:35:44.190 --> 00:35:46.220
  • So the greatest gift you can
  • 00:35:46.220 --> 00:35:47.200
  • give your child is not putting
  • 00:35:47.200 --> 00:35:48.250
  • them first.
  • 00:35:48.250 --> 00:35:49.210
  • It's putting your spouse first.
  • 00:35:49.210 --> 00:35:50.160
  • I tell my son all the time,
  • 00:35:50.160 --> 00:35:51.270
  • "I love your mommy
  • 00:35:51.270 --> 00:35:52.270
  • way more than I love you."
  • 00:35:52.270 --> 00:35:55.180
  • And it's amazing because you
  • 00:35:55.180 --> 00:35:56.150
  • would think I would be cruel
  • 00:35:56.150 --> 00:35:57.190
  • saying that to him, but every
  • 00:35:57.190 --> 00:35:58.180
  • time I tell him, "You know, your
  • 00:35:58.180 --> 00:36:00.020
  • mom's first.
  • 00:36:00.020 --> 00:36:00.270
  • I love her.
  • 00:36:00.270 --> 00:36:01.140
  • I didn't get to choose you.
  • 00:36:01.140 --> 00:36:02.220
  • I got stuck with you.
  • 00:36:02.220 --> 00:36:03.270
  • I chose her and I love her."
  • 00:36:03.270 --> 00:36:06.230
  • He puffs his chest up.
  • 00:36:06.230 --> 00:36:08.120
  • It makes him feel secure.
  • 00:36:08.120 --> 00:36:10.170
  • It makes him feel confident when
  • 00:36:10.170 --> 00:36:13.060
  • mom and dad are first.
  • 00:36:13.060 --> 00:36:14.050
  • - Niyah: You are awesome.
  • 00:36:14.050 --> 00:36:14.280
  • You are awesome.
  • 00:36:14.280 --> 00:36:15.170
  • Thank you so, so much, Aaron,
  • 00:36:15.170 --> 00:36:16.260
  • for sharing.
  • 00:36:16.260 --> 00:36:17.190
  • I learnt a lot today.
  • 00:36:17.190 --> 00:36:18.280
  • I'm lovin' this.
  • 00:36:18.280 --> 00:36:19.240
  • Coming up after the break:
  • 00:36:19.240 --> 00:36:20.210
  • - Helen: It shouldn't be that
  • 00:36:20.210 --> 00:36:22.000
  • hard though.
  • 00:36:22.000 --> 00:36:23.060
  • - John: But it was that hard.
  • 00:36:23.060 --> 00:36:25.090
  • And I think I'm actually quite
  • 00:36:25.090 --> 00:36:27.040
  • - Niyah: Welcome back to the
  • 00:36:38.270 --> 00:36:39.220
  • show, and welcome to our studio
  • 00:36:39.220 --> 00:36:40.230
  • audience, who are having a great
  • 00:36:40.230 --> 00:36:43.030
  • time and have some great
  • 00:36:43.030 --> 00:36:45.010
  • questions for John and Helen on
  • 00:36:45.010 --> 00:36:46.080
  • the topics of sex, love, and
  • 00:36:46.080 --> 00:36:47.290
  • relationships.
  • 00:36:47.290 --> 00:36:49.110
  • John and Helen, you ready?
  • 00:36:49.110 --> 00:36:50.230
  • - John: We are ready.
  • 00:36:50.230 --> 00:36:51.220
  • - Niyah: C'mon, I know I'm
  • 00:36:51.220 --> 00:36:52.110
  • ready.
  • 00:36:52.110 --> 00:36:53.030
  • Okay, our first question for
  • 00:36:53.030 --> 00:36:53.220
  • today.
  • 00:36:53.220 --> 00:36:54.230
  • - female: Okay, so my question
  • 00:36:54.230 --> 00:36:55.170
  • is just about in dating, like,
  • 00:36:55.170 --> 00:36:57.130
  • should women ever, like, tell
  • 00:36:58.030 --> 00:37:01.050
  • the guy their feelings first?
  • 00:37:01.050 --> 00:37:03.160
  • - Niyah: Ooh, AKA, also, should
  • 00:37:03.160 --> 00:37:05.240
  • they also say, "I love you,"
  • 00:37:05.240 --> 00:37:07.090
  • first?
  • 00:37:07.090 --> 00:37:08.220
  • - John: I am gonna throw that
  • 00:37:08.220 --> 00:37:10.070
  • one to you, babe.
  • 00:37:10.070 --> 00:37:11.110
  • - all: [laughing]
  • 00:37:11.110 --> 00:37:13.170
  • - Helen: I think it really
  • 00:37:13.170 --> 00:37:14.110
  • depends on who you're dating.
  • 00:37:14.110 --> 00:37:16.170
  • I think everybody's different.
  • 00:37:16.170 --> 00:37:18.030
  • If I had told John
  • 00:37:18.030 --> 00:37:19.000
  • all my deepest feelings,
  • 00:37:19.150 --> 00:37:22.150
  • I don't know that
  • 00:37:22.150 --> 00:37:23.040
  • that would have gone so well.
  • 00:37:23.040 --> 00:37:24.130
  • But I think that he's a very
  • 00:37:24.130 --> 00:37:25.070
  • type-A, alpha male and he
  • 00:37:25.070 --> 00:37:27.260
  • doesn't do feelings well.
  • 00:37:27.260 --> 00:37:30.010
  • He's come a long way.
  • 00:37:30.010 --> 00:37:31.050
  • I think God's got a real sense
  • 00:37:31.050 --> 00:37:32.040
  • of humor giving him three
  • 00:37:32.040 --> 00:37:33.080
  • daughters, five sisters, six
  • 00:37:33.080 --> 00:37:35.190
  • granddaughters, and so he's come
  • 00:37:35.190 --> 00:37:38.060
  • a long way.
  • 00:37:38.060 --> 00:37:39.120
  • But I think you really have to
  • 00:37:39.120 --> 00:37:40.160
  • understand the relationship.
  • 00:37:40.160 --> 00:37:42.020
  • If it's something that you feel
  • 00:37:42.020 --> 00:37:43.030
  • like you've been dating and you
  • 00:37:43.030 --> 00:37:44.020
  • can never be real about your
  • 00:37:44.020 --> 00:37:45.190
  • feelings in that, and that's
  • 00:37:45.190 --> 00:37:48.060
  • important to you, then I don't
  • 00:37:48.060 --> 00:37:49.280
  • think the dating thing's gonna
  • 00:37:49.280 --> 00:37:51.010
  • go really, really well.
  • 00:37:51.010 --> 00:37:52.220
  • But I think that if you just
  • 00:37:52.220 --> 00:37:54.130
  • dump it all--I think we tell too
  • 00:37:54.130 --> 00:37:55.190
  • much too soon rather than get to
  • 00:37:55.190 --> 00:37:57.290
  • know the person, get to know
  • 00:37:57.290 --> 00:37:59.010
  • their interests and what's
  • 00:37:59.010 --> 00:38:00.170
  • important to them rather than,
  • 00:38:00.170 --> 00:38:02.040
  • "Well, he's all of my emotions
  • 00:38:02.040 --> 00:38:04.020
  • and feelings."
  • 00:38:04.020 --> 00:38:04.230
  • - John: Okay, Helen, so give us
  • 00:38:04.230 --> 00:38:05.120
  • a little bit of help.
  • 00:38:05.120 --> 00:38:07.020
  • How do you get a guy to actually
  • 00:38:07.020 --> 00:38:09.060
  • tell you a little bit about his
  • 00:38:09.170 --> 00:38:12.170
  • feelings?
  • 00:38:12.170 --> 00:38:13.200
  • Because typically, you know--
  • 00:38:13.200 --> 00:38:14.200
  • - Helen: Oh, I think you should
  • 00:38:14.200 --> 00:38:15.090
  • tell how I did it for you.
  • 00:38:15.090 --> 00:38:16.200
  • Lord help me, that was hard
  • 00:38:16.200 --> 00:38:17.150
  • work.
  • 00:38:17.150 --> 00:38:18.030
  • - John: I would be the typical
  • 00:38:18.030 --> 00:38:18.230
  • guy, you know, and she'd say,
  • 00:38:18.230 --> 00:38:19.210
  • "Tell me how you're feeling."
  • 00:38:19.210 --> 00:38:20.130
  • And I'd go, "Ugh, what?
  • 00:38:20.130 --> 00:38:23.000
  • Who asks them self how they're
  • 00:38:23.000 --> 00:38:23.260
  • feeling?
  • 00:38:23.260 --> 00:38:25.090
  • You just do it.
  • 00:38:25.090 --> 00:38:26.050
  • You don't, you know?"
  • 00:38:26.050 --> 00:38:27.000
  • Most guys, like me, I was
  • 00:38:27.000 --> 00:38:29.010
  • totally out of touch with my
  • 00:38:29.010 --> 00:38:30.160
  • feelings.
  • 00:38:30.160 --> 00:38:31.290
  • And yet, most women wanna know,
  • 00:38:31.290 --> 00:38:34.120
  • you know,
  • 00:38:34.120 --> 00:38:34.280
  • "What are you feeling?"
  • 00:38:34.280 --> 00:38:35.220
  • - Helen: What are you thinking?
  • 00:38:35.220 --> 00:38:36.110
  • What are you feeling?
  • 00:38:36.110 --> 00:38:37.020
  • Exactly.
  • 00:38:37.020 --> 00:38:37.190
  • - John: It's just one of the
  • 00:38:37.190 --> 00:38:38.080
  • worst questions you could ask a
  • 00:38:38.080 --> 00:38:39.070
  • guy.
  • 00:38:39.070 --> 00:38:39.250
  • - Helen: Well, not all guys.
  • 00:38:39.250 --> 00:38:40.130
  • - John: You know?
  • 00:38:40.130 --> 00:38:41.050
  • I'm lookin' for the door
  • 00:38:41.050 --> 00:38:43.090
  • and I wanna run.
  • 00:38:43.090 --> 00:38:45.000
  • But what she helped me with, and
  • 00:38:45.000 --> 00:38:47.070
  • I think this is so important, is
  • 00:38:47.070 --> 00:38:49.180
  • find out what is important to
  • 00:38:49.180 --> 00:38:51.230
  • him, what is on his radar, what
  • 00:38:51.230 --> 00:38:54.190
  • he does like to talk about, and
  • 00:38:54.190 --> 00:38:56.090
  • get him talkin'.
  • 00:38:56.090 --> 00:38:57.210
  • And it's easier to turn,
  • 00:38:57.210 --> 00:39:00.070
  • you know, a bicycle
  • 00:39:00.070 --> 00:39:01.110
  • when it's moving than it is
  • 00:39:01.110 --> 00:39:03.030
  • to turn it when it's still.
  • 00:39:03.030 --> 00:39:05.140
  • And so she was really good
  • 00:39:05.140 --> 00:39:06.220
  • at that.
  • 00:39:06.220 --> 00:39:07.150
  • Back in university days I played
  • 00:39:07.150 --> 00:39:09.100
  • a tennis a lot, so she knew all
  • 00:39:09.100 --> 00:39:10.190
  • the tennis players.
  • 00:39:10.190 --> 00:39:13.010
  • Then I was, you know, in
  • 00:39:13.010 --> 00:39:14.180
  • dentistry so she actually would
  • 00:39:14.180 --> 00:39:16.100
  • read my dental books so she
  • 00:39:16.100 --> 00:39:18.090
  • would have something to talk to
  • 00:39:18.090 --> 00:39:20.060
  • me about.
  • 00:39:20.060 --> 00:39:21.060
  • And then she would, you know,
  • 00:39:21.060 --> 00:39:22.080
  • get more out of me and more out
  • 00:39:22.080 --> 00:39:23.210
  • of me.
  • 00:39:23.210 --> 00:39:24.130
  • And when I did begin to say
  • 00:39:24.130 --> 00:39:25.160
  • something that was feelings
  • 00:39:25.160 --> 00:39:27.240
  • oriented, she would just
  • 00:39:27.240 --> 00:39:30.100
  • celebrate it.
  • 00:39:30.100 --> 00:39:31.140
  • It was like, "Yay!"
  • 00:39:31.140 --> 00:39:33.270
  • And I'm thinkin', "Whoa, man,
  • 00:39:33.270 --> 00:39:34.250
  • I'm pretty good."
  • 00:39:34.250 --> 00:39:36.160
  • And I think, you know--
  • 00:39:36.160 --> 00:39:38.260
  • - Helen: It shouldn't be that
  • 00:39:38.260 --> 00:39:39.180
  • hard though.
  • 00:39:39.180 --> 00:39:40.060
  • - John: But it was that hard.
  • 00:39:40.060 --> 00:39:42.260
  • And I think I'm actually quite
  • 00:39:42.260 --> 00:39:44.250
  • normal, so.
  • 00:39:44.250 --> 00:39:47.060
  • - Helen: I think it's just--if
  • 00:39:47.060 --> 00:39:49.110
  • we're open and honest, men are
  • 00:39:49.110 --> 00:39:52.000
  • very different usually to women
  • 00:39:52.000 --> 00:39:53.220
  • in how they express their
  • 00:39:53.220 --> 00:39:54.240
  • emotions and how they're
  • 00:39:54.240 --> 00:39:55.240
  • feelings, but--
  • 00:39:55.240 --> 00:39:56.280
  • - John: I hope so.
  • 00:39:56.280 --> 00:39:57.160
  • - Helen: Yeah.
  • 00:39:57.160 --> 00:39:58.010
  • - Niyah: Is it wrong to say, "I
  • 00:39:58.010 --> 00:39:58.230
  • love you," first?
  • 00:39:58.230 --> 00:39:59.240
  • Does it scare a man if a woman
  • 00:39:59.240 --> 00:40:01.080
  • says, "I love you," first?
  • 00:40:01.080 --> 00:40:02.260
  • - John: I think so.
  • 00:40:02.260 --> 00:40:03.250
  • I think it scares 'em.
  • 00:40:03.250 --> 00:40:05.110
  • - Helen: Again, I think it
  • 00:40:05.110 --> 00:40:06.010
  • depends on the relationship.
  • 00:40:06.010 --> 00:40:07.290
  • You told me first, and I was
  • 00:40:07.290 --> 00:40:09.050
  • like, "Yeah, don't tell me that
  • 00:40:09.050 --> 00:40:10.090
  • yet because I'm not ready for
  • 00:40:10.090 --> 00:40:11.230
  • that."
  • 00:40:11.230 --> 00:40:12.130
  • But you were just like, you
  • 00:40:12.130 --> 00:40:13.170
  • would have said, "I love you,"
  • 00:40:13.170 --> 00:40:14.050
  • on the first date.
  • 00:40:14.050 --> 00:40:16.000
  • - Niyah: Ooh.
  • 00:40:16.000 --> 00:40:16.240
  • - Helen: Yeah, yeah.
  • 00:40:16.240 --> 00:40:17.270
  • - Niyah: Talk about feelings,
  • 00:40:17.270 --> 00:40:18.200
  • huh?
  • 00:40:18.200 --> 00:40:19.050
  • - Helen: No, it wasn't
  • 00:40:19.050 --> 00:40:20.020
  • feelings.
  • 00:40:20.020 --> 00:40:20.200
  • No, he didn't say it on the
  • 00:40:20.200 --> 00:40:21.090
  • first date, but he would've said
  • 00:40:21.090 --> 00:40:22.010
  • it because back that way, we
  • 00:40:22.010 --> 00:40:23.160
  • needed to say, "Back up, boy.
  • 00:40:23.160 --> 00:40:25.010
  • You need to act like a
  • 00:40:25.010 --> 00:40:25.230
  • Christian."
  • 00:40:25.230 --> 00:40:26.230
  • - John: Okay, next question.
  • 00:40:26.230 --> 00:40:27.140
  • - all: [laughing]
  • 00:40:27.140 --> 00:40:29.100
  • - Niyah: We gettin' the real
  • 00:40:29.100 --> 00:40:29.290
  • stuff now, I love it.
  • 00:40:29.290 --> 00:40:31.070
  • Our next question--
  • 00:40:31.070 --> 00:40:32.100
  • - Helen: We've come a long way.
  • 00:40:32.100 --> 00:40:32.290
  • - female: Okay, so I was havin'
  • 00:40:32.290 --> 00:40:35.010
  • a talk with some of my girls the
  • 00:40:35.010 --> 00:40:36.080
  • other day, and no offense to the
  • 00:40:36.080 --> 00:40:38.140
  • guys, the general consensus was
  • 00:40:38.140 --> 00:40:40.130
  • that girls our age, mid-20s to
  • 00:40:40.130 --> 00:40:42.250
  • 30s are dealing with a
  • 00:40:42.250 --> 00:40:44.160
  • generation of silent men, men
  • 00:40:44.160 --> 00:40:46.280
  • who shy away from
  • 00:40:46.280 --> 00:40:48.040
  • responsibility.
  • 00:40:48.040 --> 00:40:49.140
  • How do we deal with that?
  • 00:40:49.140 --> 00:40:51.280
  • - Helen: Speaking of silent
  • 00:40:51.280 --> 00:40:52.150
  • - John: Silence is not golden.
  • 00:40:54.220 --> 00:40:56.060
  • - Helen: No.
  • 00:40:56.060 --> 00:40:57.080
  • - John: Silence isn't even
  • 00:40:57.080 --> 00:40:58.030
  • silent.
  • 00:40:58.030 --> 00:40:59.120
  • Guys, you need to recognize
  • 00:40:59.120 --> 00:41:00.180
  • silence screams.
  • 00:41:00.180 --> 00:41:02.030
  • It says a lot.
  • 00:41:02.030 --> 00:41:03.020
  • But I think what we've got in
  • 00:41:03.020 --> 00:41:04.190
  • our world today is a situation
  • 00:41:04.250 --> 00:41:07.250
  • which both of us are to blame,
  • 00:41:07.250 --> 00:41:10.010
  • male and female.
  • 00:41:10.010 --> 00:41:11.130
  • And the guys sometimes think, "I
  • 00:41:11.130 --> 00:41:13.110
  • don't wanna take the first step
  • 00:41:13.110 --> 00:41:16.000
  • because she's already, you know?
  • 00:41:16.000 --> 00:41:18.000
  • If I took a step, she's already
  • 00:41:18.000 --> 00:41:20.170
  • naming the kids, you know?"
  • 00:41:20.170 --> 00:41:22.290
  • And the commitment factor, and
  • 00:41:22.290 --> 00:41:24.270
  • so you're afraid of doing
  • 00:41:24.270 --> 00:41:26.160
  • anything.
  • 00:41:26.160 --> 00:41:27.050
  • And we need to find a way to
  • 00:41:27.050 --> 00:41:29.080
  • develop a culture where we can
  • 00:41:29.080 --> 00:41:31.100
  • just hang out, where having
  • 00:41:31.100 --> 00:41:33.010
  • coffee is normal.
  • 00:41:33.010 --> 00:41:34.220
  • I think that's the bottom line
  • 00:41:35.090 --> 00:41:38.090
  • behind how guys are silent and
  • 00:41:38.090 --> 00:41:40.250
  • they don't, you know, say
  • 00:41:40.250 --> 00:41:42.230
  • anything.
  • 00:41:42.230 --> 00:41:43.160
  • It's because it's both sides.
  • 00:41:43.160 --> 00:41:45.100
  • There is a challenge out there.
  • 00:41:45.100 --> 00:41:47.120
  • - Helen: Yeah, and if I could
  • 00:41:47.120 --> 00:41:48.100
  • speak to a lot of the men today,
  • 00:41:48.100 --> 00:41:50.280
  • I think that there's so many
  • 00:41:51.030 --> 00:41:54.030
  • pastors and leaders that we've
  • 00:41:54.030 --> 00:41:55.090
  • met around the world, and
  • 00:41:55.090 --> 00:41:56.190
  • they've often asked us when
  • 00:41:56.190 --> 00:41:57.170
  • we're teaching relationships is
  • 00:41:57.170 --> 00:41:59.140
  • that there is this challenge.
  • 00:41:59.140 --> 00:42:01.240
  • What you're expressing is not
  • 00:42:01.240 --> 00:42:02.200
  • new to me at all, and we hear it
  • 00:42:02.200 --> 00:42:04.090
  • often.
  • 00:42:04.090 --> 00:42:05.130
  • And I think these men have such
  • 00:42:05.130 --> 00:42:06.200
  • greatness in them.
  • 00:42:06.200 --> 00:42:07.250
  • They're fantastic men.
  • 00:42:07.250 --> 00:42:09.100
  • Our church is full of them.
  • 00:42:09.100 --> 00:42:11.080
  • I see lot of great men there.
  • 00:42:11.080 --> 00:42:12.270
  • But I see that same thing.
  • 00:42:12.270 --> 00:42:14.000
  • I'll tell you, the girls in our
  • 00:42:14.000 --> 00:42:15.030
  • It's like, "How can we get
  • 00:42:17.050 --> 00:42:18.030
  • them?"
  • 00:42:18.030 --> 00:42:18.250
  • Like, "We're here!"
  • 00:42:18.250 --> 00:42:20.040
  • And I think that we need to take
  • 00:42:20.040 --> 00:42:22.120
  • the pressure off because
  • 00:42:22.120 --> 00:42:24.050
  • Christian dating is not just
  • 00:42:24.050 --> 00:42:25.120
  • 'cause you date someone, it
  • 00:42:25.120 --> 00:42:26.220
  • means you're gonna marry them.
  • 00:42:26.220 --> 00:42:28.000
  • It's actually go have a coffee.
  • 00:42:28.000 --> 00:42:29.180
  • Go for a walk.
  • 00:42:29.180 --> 00:42:31.060
  • Take the pressure off.
  • 00:42:31.060 --> 00:42:32.070
  • They have to know that we, as
  • 00:42:32.070 --> 00:42:33.040
  • girls, aren't pressuring them
  • 00:42:33.040 --> 00:42:34.280
  • into, like, "Oh, we wanna get
  • 00:42:34.280 --> 00:42:36.130
  • married for sure."
  • 00:42:36.130 --> 00:42:37.070
  • Just make it easy and be
  • 00:42:37.070 --> 00:42:39.050
  • approachable and I wanna
  • 00:42:39.050 --> 00:42:41.050
  • encourage the men to step up,
  • 00:42:41.050 --> 00:42:42.270
  • not because you, you know to
  • 00:42:42.270 --> 00:42:44.210
  • shame you that you haven't been,
  • 00:42:44.210 --> 00:42:45.280
  • but to let you know we really
  • 00:42:45.280 --> 00:42:47.180
  • like you and you're awesome, so
  • 00:42:47.180 --> 00:42:49.260
  • come along.
  • 00:42:49.260 --> 00:42:51.040
  • Let's give this a go and see how
  • 00:42:51.040 --> 00:42:52.110
  • we do.
  • 00:42:52.110 --> 00:42:53.140
  • - Niyah: I love all this
  • 00:42:53.140 --> 00:42:54.040
  • advice.
  • 00:42:54.040 --> 00:42:54.260
  • You're gettin' me so excited.
  • 00:42:54.260 --> 00:42:56.090
  • Now, right after the break, John
  • 00:42:56.090 --> 00:42:57.130
  • and Helen outline their final
  • 00:42:57.130 --> 00:42:58.200
  • messages on the topic of teens.
  • 00:42:58.200 --> 00:43:01.090
  • - Niyah: Welcome back to the
  • 00:43:13.090 --> 00:43:13.270
  • show where we cover everything
  • 00:43:13.270 --> 00:43:15.140
  • surrounding sex, love,
  • 00:43:15.140 --> 00:43:17.000
  • and relationships.
  • 00:43:17.000 --> 00:43:18.150
  • Now, we've talked a lot about
  • 00:43:18.150 --> 00:43:19.150
  • love and relationships, but not
  • 00:43:19.150 --> 00:43:22.060
  • too much about sex.
  • 00:43:22.060 --> 00:43:23.250
  • So, but before we do that, we
  • 00:43:23.250 --> 00:43:25.130
  • couldn't resist asking our
  • 00:43:25.130 --> 00:43:26.250
  • studio audience members if they
  • 00:43:26.250 --> 00:43:28.080
  • would reveal their own insight
  • 00:43:28.080 --> 00:43:30.090
  • on sex, love, and relationships
  • 00:43:30.090 --> 00:43:32.050
  • for John and Helen.
  • 00:43:32.050 --> 00:43:33.020
  • - male: What are your first
  • 00:43:35.030 --> 00:43:35.200
  • words in the morning?
  • 00:43:35.200 --> 00:43:36.040
  • - female: Good morning, self.
  • 00:43:36.040 --> 00:43:37.200
  • - male: Why do you think good
  • 00:43:37.200 --> 00:43:38.080
  • people cheat?
  • 00:43:38.080 --> 00:43:40.170
  • - female: I don't know.
  • 00:43:41.030 --> 00:43:44.030
  • - male: What do you do if you
  • 00:43:44.030 --> 00:43:44.210
  • like someone?
  • 00:43:44.210 --> 00:43:45.290
  • - female: I get really shy and
  • 00:43:45.290 --> 00:43:47.270
  • over-the-top nervous.
  • 00:43:48.250 --> 00:43:51.250
  • - male: Do you think sexting's
  • 00:43:51.250 --> 00:43:52.140
  • okay?
  • 00:43:52.140 --> 00:43:53.110
  • - female: No.
  • 00:43:53.110 --> 00:43:54.200
  • - male: What's a symbol of
  • 00:43:54.200 --> 00:43:55.120
  • being in love?
  • 00:43:55.120 --> 00:43:56.250
  • - female: Listening.
  • 00:43:56.250 --> 00:43:58.250
  • - male: Do you think opposites
  • 00:43:58.250 --> 00:43:59.140
  • can attract?
  • 00:43:59.140 --> 00:44:00.120
  • - female: Yes.
  • 00:44:00.120 --> 00:44:01.090
  • - male: Should you text someone
  • 00:44:01.090 --> 00:44:01.280
  • right back?
  • 00:44:01.280 --> 00:44:02.260
  • - female: Yes.
  • 00:44:02.260 --> 00:44:03.190
  • - male: Do you think flirting
  • 00:44:03.190 --> 00:44:04.070
  • is cheating?
  • 00:44:04.070 --> 00:44:05.290
  • - female: In the sense if
  • 00:44:05.290 --> 00:44:06.240
  • you're single, no.
  • 00:44:06.240 --> 00:44:09.020
  • Married, yes.
  • 00:44:09.020 --> 00:44:10.230
  • - male: If you could ask a man
  • 00:44:10.230 --> 00:44:11.170
  • one question, what would it be?
  • 00:44:11.170 --> 00:44:13.220
  • - female: How is your walk
  • 00:44:13.220 --> 00:44:14.090
  • with Jesus?
  • 00:44:14.090 --> 00:44:16.070
  • - male: Is being friends
  • 00:44:16.070 --> 00:44:16.250
  • with your ex okay?
  • 00:44:16.250 --> 00:44:18.150
  • - Niyah: Oh, that's some good
  • 00:44:20.240 --> 00:44:21.130
  • ones there.
  • 00:44:21.130 --> 00:44:22.070
  • - John: Yeah, a couple of
  • 00:44:22.070 --> 00:44:22.240
  • interesting things.
  • 00:44:22.240 --> 00:44:23.250
  • What she does if she likes
  • 00:44:23.250 --> 00:44:25.030
  • someone, she gets shy and
  • 00:44:25.030 --> 00:44:26.250
  • nervous.
  • 00:44:26.250 --> 00:44:27.120
  • - Niyah: She gets shy
  • 00:44:27.120 --> 00:44:27.270
  • and nervous.
  • 00:44:27.270 --> 00:44:28.140
  • That's me, I think that's me.
  • 00:44:28.140 --> 00:44:29.110
  • Well, other people get really
  • 00:44:29.110 --> 00:44:30.220
  • kinda like giddy or this, if I
  • 00:44:30.220 --> 00:44:32.210
  • like someone, I literally do the
  • 00:44:32.210 --> 00:44:34.150
  • opposite of giddy or just, you
  • 00:44:34.150 --> 00:44:36.290
  • know, smile.
  • 00:44:36.290 --> 00:44:38.060
  • I hide.
  • 00:44:38.060 --> 00:44:39.060
  • I run, literally run and hide.
  • 00:44:39.060 --> 00:44:41.100
  • And it's just like, "God, Niyah,
  • 00:44:41.100 --> 00:44:42.070
  • what are you doing?"
  • 00:44:42.070 --> 00:44:43.090
  • You know?
  • 00:44:43.090 --> 00:44:44.070
  • So--
  • 00:44:44.070 --> 00:44:44.240
  • - Helen: You're waiting for him
  • 00:44:44.240 --> 00:44:45.130
  • to chase you.
  • 00:44:45.130 --> 00:44:45.290
  • - Niyah: Yes, that's it.
  • 00:44:45.290 --> 00:44:46.150
  • It's funny.
  • 00:44:46.150 --> 00:44:47.040
  • - John: So how did--you know,
  • 00:44:47.040 --> 00:44:48.260
  • you have a boyfriend.
  • 00:44:48.260 --> 00:44:50.030
  • How did he actually get past
  • 00:44:50.030 --> 00:44:51.210
  • that?
  • 00:44:51.210 --> 00:44:52.080
  • Did he chase you?
  • 00:44:52.080 --> 00:44:53.140
  • - Niyah: Well, you know, ours
  • 00:44:53.140 --> 00:44:54.110
  • came through a friendship so it
  • 00:44:54.110 --> 00:44:55.160
  • was kind of a different way, you
  • 00:44:55.160 --> 00:44:57.020
  • know what I'm saying?
  • 00:44:57.020 --> 00:44:57.210
  • So we developed our relationship
  • 00:44:57.210 --> 00:44:59.080
  • through becoming best friends.
  • 00:44:59.080 --> 00:45:01.040
  • But you know, in other
  • 00:45:01.040 --> 00:45:02.030
  • situations, I know in my past,
  • 00:45:02.030 --> 00:45:04.030
  • if I liked someone, I would go
  • 00:45:04.030 --> 00:45:05.030
  • into hiding and then be like,
  • 00:45:05.030 --> 00:45:06.280
  • "Okay, you gotta come find me
  • 00:45:06.280 --> 00:45:08.000
  • because I don't have enough
  • 00:45:08.000 --> 00:45:09.160
  • nerve to kinda say, you know,
  • 00:45:09.160 --> 00:45:11.010
  • pick up my eyes and even say,
  • 00:45:11.010 --> 00:45:12.110
  • "Hello."
  • 00:45:12.110 --> 00:45:12.270
  • So it was kinda weird.
  • 00:45:12.270 --> 00:45:13.260
  • - Helen: Wow.
  • 00:45:13.260 --> 00:45:14.120
  • - Niyah: But I like those that
  • 00:45:14.120 --> 00:45:15.060
  • come from friendships because
  • 00:45:15.060 --> 00:45:16.090
  • it's like you become such best
  • 00:45:16.090 --> 00:45:18.040
  • friends and then you enter into
  • 00:45:18.040 --> 00:45:19.280
  • that place and then all of a
  • 00:45:19.280 --> 00:45:21.130
  • sudden, you look at them like,
  • 00:45:21.130 --> 00:45:22.090
  • "Hmm, I think I like you a
  • 00:45:22.090 --> 00:45:23.260
  • little bit more than a friend,
  • 00:45:23.260 --> 00:45:25.020
  • so."
  • 00:45:25.020 --> 00:45:25.230
  • - Helen: That's, I think, the
  • 00:45:25.230 --> 00:45:26.180
  • absolutely best way.
  • 00:45:26.180 --> 00:45:27.190
  • - Niyah: Yeah, and I didn't
  • 00:45:27.190 --> 00:45:28.140
  • have to go into hiding then
  • 00:45:28.140 --> 00:45:29.100
  • because you're so comfortable,
  • 00:45:29.100 --> 00:45:30.120
  • you know?
  • 00:45:30.120 --> 00:45:31.060
  • So it was kinda cool.
  • 00:45:31.060 --> 00:45:32.140
  • But--
  • 00:45:32.140 --> 00:45:33.020
  • - Helen: How about, "Love looks
  • 00:45:33.020 --> 00:45:33.240
  • like listening"?
  • 00:45:33.240 --> 00:45:34.210
  • - John: I like that.
  • 00:45:34.210 --> 00:45:35.150
  • I think that's really true, you
  • 00:45:35.150 --> 00:45:36.250
  • know?
  • 00:45:36.250 --> 00:45:37.130
  • 'Cause it's gonna pay--you have
  • 00:45:37.130 --> 00:45:38.270
  • to pay the price, and the price
  • 00:45:38.270 --> 00:45:40.160
  • is, "It's not about me anymore.
  • 00:45:40.160 --> 00:45:42.040
  • Now it's about you."
  • 00:45:42.040 --> 00:45:44.140
  • - Niyah: That's right, ah,
  • 00:45:44.140 --> 00:45:45.220
  • well, this is some good stuff.
  • 00:45:45.220 --> 00:45:47.170
  • Now, I know we've all been
  • 00:45:47.170 --> 00:45:48.270
  • waiting for one particular part,
  • 00:45:48.270 --> 00:45:50.180
  • and that's sex.
  • 00:45:50.180 --> 00:45:51.240
  • Oh, I can't still believe I'm
  • 00:45:51.240 --> 00:45:53.020
  • saying that on TV, "sex."
  • 00:45:53.020 --> 00:45:54.070
  • Now, here's a question that
  • 00:45:54.070 --> 00:45:55.090
  • someone sent into us: "Now, I've
  • 00:45:55.090 --> 00:45:57.050
  • come from a quite crazy sexual
  • 00:45:57.050 --> 00:45:59.200
  • past and now I'm a Christian and
  • 00:45:59.200 --> 00:46:01.070
  • married.
  • 00:46:01.070 --> 00:46:02.130
  • How should we approach sex in
  • 00:46:02.130 --> 00:46:03.270
  • marriage?"
  • 00:46:03.270 --> 00:46:05.250
  • - John: I think that's such a
  • 00:46:05.250 --> 00:46:06.270
  • normal thing in our world out
  • 00:46:06.270 --> 00:46:08.280
  • there.
  • 00:46:08.280 --> 00:46:09.240
  • And I think there's a lot of
  • 00:46:09.240 --> 00:46:11.230
  • people, they're a little scared
  • 00:46:11.230 --> 00:46:13.290
  • because of their sexual past,
  • 00:46:13.290 --> 00:46:15.170
  • "Can I deal with it?
  • 00:46:15.170 --> 00:46:17.030
  • Are we gonna have a good
  • 00:46:17.030 --> 00:46:17.190
  • marriage?"
  • 00:46:17.190 --> 00:46:18.190
  • You know, "How 'bout all the
  • 00:46:18.190 --> 00:46:20.130
  • skeletons in the closet?"
  • 00:46:20.130 --> 00:46:22.230
  • And all that stuff.
  • 00:46:22.230 --> 00:46:24.110
  • And I really do believe it's
  • 00:46:24.110 --> 00:46:26.100
  • more a challenge.
  • 00:46:26.100 --> 00:46:27.200
  • - Helen: You know, we often
  • 00:46:27.200 --> 00:46:28.180
  • define "intimacy" as "into me
  • 00:46:28.180 --> 00:46:31.170
  • see," that it's more than just
  • 00:46:31.170 --> 00:46:33.170
  • the physicality of sex, which is
  • 00:46:33.170 --> 00:46:35.190
  • so beautiful.
  • 00:46:35.190 --> 00:46:37.070
  • But if we're not safe with what
  • 00:46:37.070 --> 00:46:39.260
  • people see on the inside of us,
  • 00:46:39.260 --> 00:46:42.050
  • if we feel like, "If you knew
  • 00:46:42.050 --> 00:46:43.050
  • this about me, you might not
  • 00:46:43.050 --> 00:46:44.240
  • love me, or you might judge me,"
  • 00:46:44.240 --> 00:46:47.030
  • and I think real love looks
  • 00:46:47.030 --> 00:46:48.180
  • like, "I know you have a past."
  • 00:46:48.180 --> 00:46:50.080
  • And I think we have to be honest
  • 00:46:50.080 --> 00:46:51.010
  • about our pasts.
  • 00:46:51.010 --> 00:46:52.140
  • I don't think we have to tell
  • 00:46:52.140 --> 00:46:53.060
  • every single dark secret and
  • 00:46:53.060 --> 00:46:54.220
  • every single detail, but I think
  • 00:46:54.220 --> 00:46:57.070
  • we should be honest about where
  • 00:46:57.070 --> 00:46:58.280
  • we've been, what we've done.
  • 00:46:58.280 --> 00:47:00.290
  • And then, before you get
  • 00:47:00.290 --> 00:47:03.140
  • married, do that
  • 00:47:03.140 --> 00:47:05.070
  • and have that sense of,
  • 00:47:05.070 --> 00:47:08.050
  • "But I'm gonna cover you.
  • 00:47:08.050 --> 00:47:09.100
  • I'm not--you know, I'm gonna
  • 00:47:09.100 --> 00:47:10.090
  • cover you.
  • 00:47:10.090 --> 00:47:11.020
  • I'm not gonna judge you for it.
  • 00:47:11.020 --> 00:47:12.050
  • I'm gonna be here for you."
  • 00:47:12.050 --> 00:47:13.160
  • And now we walk into the future.
  • 00:47:13.160 --> 00:47:15.170
  • And yeah, sometimes skeletons
  • 00:47:15.170 --> 00:47:16.160
  • want to, you know, rise up
  • 00:47:16.160 --> 00:47:18.090
  • again.
  • 00:47:18.090 --> 00:47:19.080
  • - Niyah: But why share that
  • 00:47:19.080 --> 00:47:20.000
  • part?
  • 00:47:20.000 --> 00:47:20.260
  • Like, if both people are coming
  • 00:47:20.260 --> 00:47:21.270
  • in, and you know, whether you
  • 00:47:21.270 --> 00:47:23.220
  • have a crazy past or not, you
  • 00:47:23.220 --> 00:47:25.020
  • know, if both people know that,
  • 00:47:25.020 --> 00:47:27.200
  • "Okay, this is what it is."
  • 00:47:27.200 --> 00:47:29.060
  • - John: I think one of the
  • 00:47:29.060 --> 00:47:29.280
  • things is it's a test.
  • 00:47:29.280 --> 00:47:31.210
  • 'Cause love covers.
  • 00:47:31.210 --> 00:47:33.040
  • And if they can't handle your
  • 00:47:33.040 --> 00:47:34.020
  • past, watch out.
  • 00:47:34.020 --> 00:47:36.200
  • You know, you don't have to tell
  • 00:47:36.200 --> 00:47:37.140
  • 'em every, you know, every
  • 00:47:37.140 --> 00:47:38.120
  • detail, but if I love you, my
  • 00:47:38.120 --> 00:47:41.030
  • heart should be, "I'm gonna help
  • 00:47:41.030 --> 00:47:42.290
  • you an we're gonna cover that.
  • 00:47:42.290 --> 00:47:44.200
  • That's the past, and we can go
  • 00:47:44.200 --> 00:47:45.290
  • into the future."
  • 00:47:45.290 --> 00:47:47.150
  • So I think it's really important
  • 00:47:47.150 --> 00:47:49.030
  • - Helen: Yeah, I think that's
  • 00:47:49.030 --> 00:47:50.020
  • the strength of relationship, is
  • 00:47:50.020 --> 00:47:51.230
  • that, "I know that this part of
  • 00:47:51.230 --> 00:47:53.270
  • you has caused you shame or made
  • 00:47:53.270 --> 00:47:55.140
  • you feel, you know, less than.
  • 00:47:55.140 --> 00:47:57.260
  • I love you just the way you are.
  • 00:47:57.260 --> 00:47:59.100
  • And we're not getting married
  • 00:47:59.100 --> 00:48:00.290
  • today, or we're not building our
  • 00:48:00.290 --> 00:48:02.060
  • future based on my track record
  • 00:48:02.060 --> 00:48:04.110
  • or your track record, but on
  • 00:48:04.110 --> 00:48:06.060
  • Jesus' track record.
  • 00:48:06.060 --> 00:48:07.240
  • And he is enough to cover the
  • 00:48:07.240 --> 00:48:09.190
  • past.
  • 00:48:09.190 --> 00:48:11.000
  • And so knowing that's there but
  • 00:48:11.000 --> 00:48:11.260
  • it's covered, now let's walk
  • 00:48:11.260 --> 00:48:13.220
  • forward into the future."
  • 00:48:13.220 --> 00:48:14.260
  • - John: Okay, so how do you
  • 00:48:14.260 --> 00:48:15.130
  • walk forward?
  • 00:48:15.130 --> 00:48:15.290
  • That was the question?
  • 00:48:15.290 --> 00:48:16.220
  • - Helen: I think you walk
  • 00:48:16.220 --> 00:48:17.150
  • forward with a sense of
  • 00:48:17.150 --> 00:48:18.220
  • commitment to each other.
  • 00:48:18.220 --> 00:48:20.130
  • Without a sense of fear, without
  • 00:48:20.130 --> 00:48:21.230
  • a sense of shame, without a
  • 00:48:21.230 --> 00:48:23.010
  • sense of guilt, and saying,
  • 00:48:23.010 --> 00:48:25.170
  • "Together, we're walking
  • 00:48:25.170 --> 00:48:27.050
  • forward.
  • 00:48:27.050 --> 00:48:27.240
  • If you feel like you stumble,
  • 00:48:27.240 --> 00:48:28.210
  • I've got you.
  • 00:48:28.210 --> 00:48:29.260
  • We're gonna do this."
  • 00:48:29.260 --> 00:48:31.020
  • And so I think it takes
  • 00:48:31.020 --> 00:48:33.050
  • communication.
  • 00:48:33.050 --> 00:48:34.070
  • I think of one of the things we
  • 00:48:34.070 --> 00:48:35.290
  • need to do most often in
  • 00:48:35.290 --> 00:48:37.120
  • marriage is communicate about
  • 00:48:37.120 --> 00:48:38.290
  • our sexual relationship.
  • 00:48:38.290 --> 00:48:41.060
  • And not every day, but, "How are
  • 00:48:41.060 --> 00:48:42.220
  • we doing?
  • 00:48:42.220 --> 00:48:44.010
  • Are you happy?
  • 00:48:44.010 --> 00:48:45.000
  • Are your needs being met?"
  • 00:48:45.000 --> 00:48:46.210
  • And if they are, then we have
  • 00:48:46.210 --> 00:48:48.060
  • strength to move into the
  • 00:48:48.060 --> 00:48:49.150
  • future.
  • 00:48:49.150 --> 00:48:50.120
  • But I think we're so often
  • 00:48:50.120 --> 00:48:51.190
  • afraid to talk about this, even
  • 00:48:51.190 --> 00:48:53.170
  • as I kind of am enjoying
  • 00:48:53.170 --> 00:48:55.080
  • watching you, like, "Oh, I'm
  • 00:48:55.080 --> 00:48:56.180
  • saying the word 'sex' on
  • 00:48:56.180 --> 00:48:58.090
  • television!"
  • 00:48:58.090 --> 00:49:00.110
  • And you know, because it's
  • 00:49:00.110 --> 00:49:01.210
  • something that feels taboo.
  • 00:49:01.210 --> 00:49:04.030
  • And yet, how amazing that God
  • 00:49:04.030 --> 00:49:06.030
  • created it.
  • 00:49:06.030 --> 00:49:07.090
  • And I love the fact that the
  • 00:49:07.090 --> 00:49:08.250
  • Bible, early in the Bible, in
  • 00:49:08.250 --> 00:49:10.070
  • the Book of Genesis, it says,
  • 00:49:10.070 --> 00:49:11.250
  • "Adam and Eve were both naked
  • 00:49:11.260 --> 00:49:14.260
  • and neither of them felt
  • 00:49:14.260 --> 00:49:16.020
  • any shame."
  • 00:49:16.020 --> 00:49:17.210
  • That's the beauty of when God is
  • 00:49:17.210 --> 00:49:19.120
  • in the middle with you and sin
  • 00:49:19.120 --> 00:49:20.280
  • - Niyah: Wow, so good, so good.
  • 00:49:22.290 --> 00:49:24.190
  • I still can't believe we're
  • 00:49:24.190 --> 00:49:25.140
  • talking about this, but this is
  • 00:49:25.140 --> 00:49:26.150
  • awesome.
  • 00:49:26.150 --> 00:49:27.200
  • - Helen: Trying to help you,
  • 00:49:27.200 --> 00:49:28.140
  • trying to help you.
  • 00:49:28.140 --> 00:49:29.150
  • - Niyah: Now, Pastor John, talk
  • 00:49:29.150 --> 00:49:30.230
  • to us about today, today's
  • 00:49:30.230 --> 00:49:32.030
  • episode, you know, teens, you
  • 00:49:32.030 --> 00:49:34.090
  • know?
  • 00:49:34.090 --> 00:49:34.290
  • Sum it up for us today.
  • 00:49:34.290 --> 00:49:36.100
  • - John: Thank you.
  • 00:49:36.100 --> 00:49:37.070
  • I love teens.
  • 00:49:37.070 --> 00:49:38.150
  • I really do, and I--
  • 00:49:38.150 --> 00:49:39.230
  • - Helen: You think you are a
  • 00:49:39.230 --> 00:49:40.110
  • teenager.
  • 00:49:40.110 --> 00:49:40.270
  • - John: Yeah, I'm kinda--
  • 00:49:40.270 --> 00:49:41.150
  • - Niyah: You're young and free.
  • 00:49:41.150 --> 00:49:42.090
  • - John: My goal is to be the
  • 00:49:42.090 --> 00:49:43.040
  • oldest living teenager.
  • 00:49:43.040 --> 00:49:44.210
  • - Niyah: There you go.
  • 00:49:44.210 --> 00:49:45.070
  • - John: That's my goal in life.
  • 00:49:45.070 --> 00:49:46.060
  • But I think we need to love
  • 00:49:46.060 --> 00:49:47.090
  • teens.
  • 00:49:47.090 --> 00:49:47.240
  • I think teens recognize that.
  • 00:49:47.240 --> 00:49:49.130
  • And I think that they actually
  • 00:49:49.130 --> 00:49:50.180
  • want, you know, help from us
  • 00:49:50.180 --> 00:49:52.190
  • gray-hair people.
  • 00:49:52.190 --> 00:49:54.080
  • And they really do need
  • 00:49:54.080 --> 00:49:55.100
  • gray-hair people.
  • 00:49:55.100 --> 00:49:56.150
  • If all your friends, teenagers,
  • 00:49:56.150 --> 00:49:58.070
  • are the same age as you, they're
  • 00:49:58.070 --> 00:49:59.160
  • all as uninformed as you.
  • 00:49:59.180 --> 00:50:02.180
  • And really, you need to have
  • 00:50:02.180 --> 00:50:03.180
  • But here's the thing about
  • 00:50:05.190 --> 00:50:06.150
  • teens.
  • 00:50:06.150 --> 00:50:07.020
  • And for everybody else that's
  • 00:50:07.020 --> 00:50:08.110
  • not a teen yet, listen, teens
  • 00:50:08.110 --> 00:50:09.150
  • are so amazing.
  • 00:50:09.150 --> 00:50:11.040
  • Number one, they are absolutely
  • 00:50:11.040 --> 00:50:13.010
  • brilliant.
  • 00:50:13.010 --> 00:50:13.230
  • They are.
  • 00:50:13.230 --> 00:50:14.120
  • They have the answers to the
  • 00:50:14.120 --> 00:50:15.210
  • world today.
  • 00:50:15.210 --> 00:50:16.200
  • See, they haven't bought into
  • 00:50:16.200 --> 00:50:17.210
  • this thing, "Well, it's just the
  • 00:50:17.210 --> 00:50:19.150
  • way it is.
  • 00:50:19.150 --> 00:50:20.140
  • Nothing ever changes."
  • 00:50:20.140 --> 00:50:21.280
  • So many of us, we put up with
  • 00:50:21.280 --> 00:50:23.240
  • less than the best.
  • 00:50:23.240 --> 00:50:25.030
  • Why?
  • 00:50:25.030 --> 00:50:25.190
  • Because we think there's no way.
  • 00:50:25.190 --> 00:50:27.030
  • But they don't.
  • 00:50:27.030 --> 00:50:28.000
  • They're like, "The sky's the,
  • 00:50:28.000 --> 00:50:30.270
  • you know, not even the limit.
  • 00:50:30.270 --> 00:50:32.200
  • We can change the world."
  • 00:50:32.200 --> 00:50:34.080
  • And we need that.
  • 00:50:34.080 --> 00:50:35.180
  • But what they're missing, along
  • 00:50:35.180 --> 00:50:37.050
  • with they've got the answers,
  • 00:50:37.050 --> 00:50:38.290
  • they're missing a little bit of
  • 00:50:38.290 --> 00:50:39.250
  • the wisdom of how it all works.
  • 00:50:39.250 --> 00:50:41.240
  • And that's where together we
  • 00:50:41.240 --> 00:50:43.080
  • need each other.
  • 00:50:43.080 --> 00:50:44.090
  • Recognize that teens are
  • 00:50:44.090 --> 00:50:45.110
  • passionate.
  • 00:50:45.110 --> 00:50:46.200
  • They're not wanting to exist.
  • 00:50:46.200 --> 00:50:49.130
  • They're wanting to live for a
  • 00:50:49.130 --> 00:50:50.090
  • reason, to give their life away.
  • 00:50:50.090 --> 00:50:52.290
  • And with that, recognize that we
  • 00:50:52.290 --> 00:50:55.090
  • don't wanna lower the bar of
  • 00:50:55.090 --> 00:50:57.000
  • expectation.
  • 00:50:57.000 --> 00:50:58.100
  • We wanna raise the bar of
  • 00:50:58.100 --> 00:50:59.160
  • expectation for teens.
  • 00:50:59.160 --> 00:51:01.230
  • So often in our world today,
  • 00:51:01.230 --> 00:51:03.030
  • it's like, "We know you can't
  • 00:51:03.030 --> 00:51:04.110
  • deal with sexuality, so here,
  • 00:51:04.110 --> 00:51:05.290
  • just have the condoms, and," you
  • 00:51:05.290 --> 00:51:07.160
  • know, that's lowering the bar.
  • 00:51:07.160 --> 00:51:09.150
  • And thirdly, just to recognize
  • 00:51:09.150 --> 00:51:11.120
  • that teens are all about
  • 00:51:11.120 --> 00:51:12.210
  • relationships.
  • 00:51:12.210 --> 00:51:13.270
  • They really are all about
  • 00:51:13.270 --> 00:51:14.220
  • relationships.
  • 00:51:14.220 --> 00:51:15.240
  • And we need to give them that
  • 00:51:15.240 --> 00:51:16.240
  • ability, "I wanna be your
  • 00:51:16.240 --> 00:51:18.040
  • friend.
  • 00:51:18.040 --> 00:51:18.230
  • I believe in you."
  • 00:51:18.230 --> 00:51:20.040
  • - Niyah: So good.
  • 00:51:20.040 --> 00:51:21.080
  • Thank you so, so much, Pastor
  • 00:51:21.080 --> 00:51:22.160
  • John and Helen, for all your
  • 00:51:22.160 --> 00:51:23.250
  • wisdom, all your insight.
  • 00:51:23.250 --> 00:51:25.020
  • Now, we know you love all the
  • 00:51:25.020 --> 00:51:26.250
  • funny parts of this show, but we
  • 00:51:26.250 --> 00:51:28.220
  • are aware that these are real
  • 00:51:28.220 --> 00:51:30.080
  • issues that people deal with.
  • 00:51:30.080 --> 00:51:32.000
  • And if you're concerned about a
  • 00:51:32.000 --> 00:51:33.000
  • friend, family member, or even
  • 00:51:33.000 --> 00:51:34.150
  • yourself regarding the topic of
  • 00:51:34.150 --> 00:51:36.060
  • teens, we encourage you to reach
  • 00:51:36.060 --> 00:51:38.150
  • out and to talk to someone.
  • 00:51:38.150 --> 00:51:40.290
  • Now, until next time,
  • 00:51:40.290 --> 00:51:42.070
  • be blessed, live large,
  • 00:51:42.070 --> 00:51:44.080
  • CC By Aberdeen Captioning 1-800-688-6621 www.abercap.com
  • 00:51:52.250 --> 00:51:56.040