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March 16, 2017
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Healthy Boundaries in Marriage

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Sex, Love & Relationships

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  • [music]
  • 00:00:16.010 --> 00:00:19.010
  • - Niyah Rahmaan: Welcome to
  • 00:00:19.010 --> 00:00:19.250
  • "Sex, Love & Relationships."
  • 00:00:19.250 --> 00:00:21.050
  • My name is Niyah and I'm here
  • 00:00:21.050 --> 00:00:22.010
  • with a couple who has blown me
  • 00:00:22.010 --> 00:00:23.250
  • away.
  • 00:00:23.250 --> 00:00:25.030
  • They give godly wisdom about
  • 00:00:25.030 --> 00:00:26.100
  • some tough topics.
  • 00:00:26.100 --> 00:00:27.250
  • We have John and Helen Burns
  • 00:00:27.250 --> 00:00:29.020
  • here.
  • 00:00:29.020 --> 00:00:30.060
  • John and Helen are a wealth of
  • 00:00:30.060 --> 00:00:31.100
  • knowledge when it comes to
  • 00:00:31.100 --> 00:00:32.120
  • relationships.
  • 00:00:32.120 --> 00:00:33.130
  • They've had their own radio and
  • 00:00:33.130 --> 00:00:34.130
  • television show for years,
  • 00:00:34.130 --> 00:00:36.130
  • they're authors of award winning
  • 00:00:36.130 --> 00:00:37.200
  • and best-selling relationship
  • 00:00:37.200 --> 00:00:39.020
  • books, and have been helping
  • 00:00:39.020 --> 00:00:40.170
  • singles and couples navigate
  • 00:00:40.170 --> 00:00:42.070
  • through life for over 30 years.
  • 00:00:42.070 --> 00:00:44.130
  • Today, we interview a couple who
  • 00:00:44.130 --> 00:00:45.290
  • have some outstanding advice on
  • 00:00:45.290 --> 00:00:47.140
  • how to keep healthy boundaries
  • 00:00:47.140 --> 00:00:49.010
  • before marriage.
  • 00:00:49.010 --> 00:00:50.170
  • - Tiffany Downs: Like, I've
  • 00:00:50.170 --> 00:00:51.110
  • heard people say, "It's a
  • 00:00:51.110 --> 00:00:52.050
  • direction that you choose to
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  • take."
  • 00:00:53.070 --> 00:00:53.260
  • And I was like, I think that's
  • 00:00:53.260 --> 00:00:54.260
  • full of BS basically, I was
  • 00:00:54.260 --> 00:00:57.190
  • like, you've got to be kidding
  • 00:00:57.190 --> 00:00:58.210
  • me.
  • 00:00:58.210 --> 00:00:59.120
  • - Niyah: Also, coming up in
  • 00:00:59.120 --> 00:01:00.070
  • this show we have John and Helen
  • 00:01:00.070 --> 00:01:01.070
  • taking some real-life questions
  • 00:01:01.070 --> 00:01:02.140
  • from our studio audience.
  • 00:01:02.140 --> 00:01:04.080
  • - Helen Burns: Well, that is a
  • 00:01:04.080 --> 00:01:05.010
  • loaded question.
  • 00:01:05.010 --> 00:01:07.090
  • We've sure walked through this.
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  • - John Burns: Yeah, I think
  • 00:01:08.210 --> 00:01:09.230
  • financial pressures one of the
  • 00:01:09.230 --> 00:01:11.010
  • worst pressure there is.
  • 00:01:11.010 --> 00:01:13.060
  • - Niyah: And we head to social
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  • media to see what's trending
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  • online.
  • 00:01:15.030 --> 00:01:16.160
  • - John: And I know you want him
  • 00:01:16.160 --> 00:01:17.280
  • to see you but he hasn't seen
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  • your face yet.
  • 00:01:19.250 --> 00:01:20.290
  • - Helen: I think it's become so
  • 00:01:20.290 --> 00:01:21.280
  • normal in this selfie world that
  • 00:01:21.280 --> 00:01:24.100
  • it's like, "Well, it's just a
  • 00:01:24.100 --> 00:01:25.070
  • picture and he won't show it to
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  • anybody else.
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  • And it's okay, it's not like
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  • we're having sex or anything.
  • 00:01:28.190 --> 00:01:30.040
  • I just showed him a picture of
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  • my breasts."
  • 00:01:31.090 --> 00:01:32.230
  • - Niyah: This show covers all
  • 00:01:32.230 --> 00:01:33.240
  • of the hard-hitting topics we
  • 00:01:33.240 --> 00:01:35.130
  • need godly wisdom on.
  • 00:01:35.130 --> 00:01:37.040
  • - Niyah: So, today's topic is
  • 00:02:02.220 --> 00:02:03.180
  • healthy boundaries for adults.
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  • So, that includes boundaries,
  • 00:02:05.220 --> 00:02:06.230
  • and arguments, and in sex.
  • 00:02:06.230 --> 00:02:09.090
  • I got the experts here.
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  • Let's talk to them.
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  • Yes, John, Helen, welcome.
  • 00:02:11.150 --> 00:02:13.210
  • - Helen: Oh, it's great to be
  • 00:02:13.210 --> 00:02:14.110
  • here.
  • 00:02:14.110 --> 00:02:15.110
  • - John: It's great to be here
  • 00:02:15.110 --> 00:02:16.030
  • and what a great topic:
  • 00:02:16.030 --> 00:02:17.060
  • boundaries.
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  • - Niyah: Healthy boundaries.
  • 00:02:18.100 --> 00:02:19.080
  • - John: Yeah, healthy
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  • boundaries, I think, I think
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  • sometimes it's better to know
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  • what you won't do because it
  • 00:02:22.120 --> 00:02:24.020
  • really clarifies what you will
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  • do, and yet, boundaries it's
  • 00:02:25.050 --> 00:02:27.020
  • kind of like the guardrails on a
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  • road.
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  • They keep you from going in the
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  • ditch but I don't know about
  • 00:02:31.200 --> 00:02:32.260
  • you, I've never hit a guardrail.
  • 00:02:32.260 --> 00:02:35.000
  • I usually want to stay on the
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  • road.
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  • You know, the key is stay on the
  • 00:02:37.150 --> 00:02:38.280
  • road and we've got some great
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  • things today I think that'll
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  • help us.
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  • - Helen: And I love that it's
  • 00:02:42.110 --> 00:02:43.030
  • around our sexuality.
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  • It's also around having healthy
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  • communication because when you
  • 00:02:46.100 --> 00:02:48.100
  • know, it's about how you will
  • 00:02:48.100 --> 00:02:50.080
  • let someone treat you, and how
  • 00:02:50.080 --> 00:02:51.220
  • you treat others.
  • 00:02:51.220 --> 00:02:52.180
  • And I think this information is
  • 00:02:52.180 --> 00:02:53.140
  • going to be hugely helpful.
  • 00:02:53.140 --> 00:02:55.080
  • - Niyah: I'm looking forward to
  • 00:02:55.080 --> 00:02:56.110
  • this conversation.
  • 00:02:56.110 --> 00:02:57.270
  • Now, earlier this week Helen
  • 00:02:57.270 --> 00:02:59.050
  • caught up with a gentleman who
  • 00:02:59.050 --> 00:03:00.260
  • has mastered the art of healthy
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  • boundaries in his relationship.
  • 00:03:02.070 --> 00:03:03.170
  • - Helen: Hello Alex, welcome to
  • 00:03:06.200 --> 00:03:07.170
  • the program.
  • 00:03:07.170 --> 00:03:08.230
  • I'm so glad that you're here
  • 00:03:08.230 --> 00:03:09.230
  • with us today.
  • 00:03:09.230 --> 00:03:11.020
  • - Alex Sanchez: Thanks for
  • 00:03:11.020 --> 00:03:11.230
  • having me.
  • 00:03:11.230 --> 00:03:12.150
  • - Helen: So, my goal today is
  • 00:03:12.150 --> 00:03:13.210
  • to just in this segment get to
  • 00:03:13.210 --> 00:03:15.220
  • hear a little more about who you
  • 00:03:15.220 --> 00:03:17.060
  • are and some of your story.
  • 00:03:17.060 --> 00:03:19.230
  • We're talking today about
  • 00:03:19.230 --> 00:03:20.240
  • healthy boundaries and
  • 00:03:20.240 --> 00:03:22.060
  • relationships but why don't you
  • 00:03:22.060 --> 00:03:24.000
  • tell us a little bit about you?
  • 00:03:24.000 --> 00:03:25.160
  • - Alex: So, I lived in Miami
  • 00:03:25.160 --> 00:03:26.180
  • most of my life.
  • 00:03:26.180 --> 00:03:27.160
  • My parents are Cuban-American,
  • 00:03:27.160 --> 00:03:28.230
  • both believers, grew up in the
  • 00:03:28.230 --> 00:03:31.160
  • church.
  • 00:03:31.160 --> 00:03:32.090
  • My mom was my Sunday school
  • 00:03:32.090 --> 00:03:34.030
  • teacher so, got to hear all the
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  • Bible verses, and nursery songs,
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  • and all that, and she really,
  • 00:03:39.120 --> 00:03:42.120
  • like, poured into us a lot when
  • 00:03:42.120 --> 00:03:43.190
  • we were kids.
  • 00:03:43.190 --> 00:03:44.140
  • So, she would always, like, read
  • 00:03:44.140 --> 00:03:45.130
  • the Bible for us and then we
  • 00:03:45.130 --> 00:03:46.130
  • would have songs in Spanish that
  • 00:03:46.130 --> 00:03:47.210
  • she would sing to us, that we
  • 00:03:47.210 --> 00:03:48.290
  • would, almost like, memory
  • 00:03:48.290 --> 00:03:50.000
  • verses but in Spanish.
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  • - Helen: Beautiful.
  • 00:03:51.290 --> 00:03:53.000
  • - Alex: So, she invested a lot
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  • in us.
  • 00:03:53.290 --> 00:03:54.290
  • Then life got a little bit
  • 00:03:54.290 --> 00:03:56.040
  • difficult once I got into my
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  • senior year of high school.
  • 00:03:57.190 --> 00:03:58.240
  • So, my parents unfortunately got
  • 00:03:58.240 --> 00:04:00.170
  • divorced when I was in high
  • 00:04:00.170 --> 00:04:02.030
  • school, and--
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  • - Helen: That's a life-altering
  • 00:04:03.140 --> 00:04:05.000
  • crisis.
  • 00:04:05.000 --> 00:04:06.130
  • - Alex: It was, it was, because
  • 00:04:06.130 --> 00:04:07.110
  • if you think, you know, you
  • 00:04:07.110 --> 00:04:09.080
  • have, it's a tough age being 17
  • 00:04:09.080 --> 00:04:11.090
  • and trying to figure life out,
  • 00:04:11.090 --> 00:04:13.040
  • and to have something like that
  • 00:04:13.040 --> 00:04:14.270
  • happen it just increases all the
  • 00:04:14.270 --> 00:04:17.180
  • questions, and the doubts, and
  • 00:04:17.180 --> 00:04:19.060
  • everything.
  • 00:04:19.060 --> 00:04:19.290
  • So, for me it was just like at
  • 00:04:19.290 --> 00:04:21.260
  • that point I was like, I felt
  • 00:04:21.260 --> 00:04:23.010
  • like God had abandoned me.
  • 00:04:23.010 --> 00:04:24.220
  • So, I was going to abandon him.
  • 00:04:24.220 --> 00:04:27.030
  • So, at that point I realized
  • 00:04:27.030 --> 00:04:29.250
  • that I had a lot of pain, and I
  • 00:04:29.250 --> 00:04:31.090
  • didn't want to deal with the
  • 00:04:31.090 --> 00:04:32.160
  • pain, and I didn't want to deal
  • 00:04:32.160 --> 00:04:34.110
  • with, you know, answering
  • 00:04:34.110 --> 00:04:36.180
  • questions as to why did God have
  • 00:04:36.180 --> 00:04:38.260
  • my parents get divorced?
  • 00:04:38.260 --> 00:04:40.130
  • So, I decided that I had a free
  • 00:04:40.130 --> 00:04:42.180
  • card to kind of go and do as I
  • 00:04:42.180 --> 00:04:44.120
  • please.
  • 00:04:44.120 --> 00:04:45.120
  • And I was not, you know,
  • 00:04:45.120 --> 00:04:46.210
  • responsible for my actions
  • 00:04:46.210 --> 00:04:47.250
  • because, you know, if God took
  • 00:04:47.250 --> 00:04:49.050
  • something away from me then I
  • 00:04:49.050 --> 00:04:51.000
  • could just go on and do whatever
  • 00:04:51.000 --> 00:04:52.160
  • I want.
  • 00:04:52.160 --> 00:04:54.120
  • - Helen: So, would you say that
  • 00:04:54.120 --> 00:04:55.190
  • was just kind of an anger on the
  • 00:04:55.190 --> 00:04:57.030
  • inside of you acting out?
  • 00:04:57.030 --> 00:04:58.280
  • Did you not have a sense during
  • 00:04:58.280 --> 00:05:00.160
  • that of like, "I don't know what
  • 00:05:00.160 --> 00:05:01.290
  • I'm doing?"
  • 00:05:01.290 --> 00:05:03.100
  • Like, "Why am I doing this?"
  • 00:05:03.100 --> 00:05:05.010
  • Or did you just feel like it was
  • 00:05:05.010 --> 00:05:06.070
  • a license?
  • 00:05:06.070 --> 00:05:07.110
  • - Alex: Well, what's happening
  • 00:05:07.110 --> 00:05:08.250
  • too is, you know, getting into,
  • 00:05:08.250 --> 00:05:10.260
  • also, the topic of healthy
  • 00:05:10.260 --> 00:05:11.270
  • boundaries, I didn't have a
  • 00:05:11.270 --> 00:05:13.100
  • great support system, a good
  • 00:05:13.100 --> 00:05:14.150
  • Christian support system around
  • 00:05:14.150 --> 00:05:15.220
  • me to kind of lean on a little
  • 00:05:15.220 --> 00:05:17.260
  • bit and say, "Hey, you know,"
  • 00:05:17.260 --> 00:05:19.130
  • for instance now if something
  • 00:05:19.130 --> 00:05:21.070
  • were to happen I know that I can
  • 00:05:21.070 --> 00:05:22.290
  • go to certain people and say,
  • 00:05:22.290 --> 00:05:24.050
  • "Hey, I'm really struggling with
  • 00:05:24.050 --> 00:05:25.130
  • this.
  • 00:05:25.130 --> 00:05:26.080
  • Can you help me out?"
  • 00:05:26.080 --> 00:05:27.260
  • So, I felt like I was by myself,
  • 00:05:27.260 --> 00:05:28.270
  • so what I was doing was I was
  • 00:05:28.270 --> 00:05:31.170
  • growing up in my 20s figuring
  • 00:05:31.170 --> 00:05:33.220
  • out how to be a man all by
  • 00:05:33.220 --> 00:05:35.180
  • myself according to the world's
  • 00:05:35.180 --> 00:05:37.030
  • standards.
  • 00:05:37.030 --> 00:05:38.080
  • Because my father was, we still
  • 00:05:38.080 --> 00:05:39.240
  • had a relationship but even back
  • 00:05:39.240 --> 00:05:41.030
  • then he was going through his
  • 00:05:41.030 --> 00:05:42.060
  • own issues.
  • 00:05:42.060 --> 00:05:43.190
  • I was going through my own
  • 00:05:43.190 --> 00:05:44.210
  • issues.
  • 00:05:44.210 --> 00:05:45.140
  • So, you know, my brother and I,
  • 00:05:45.140 --> 00:05:46.190
  • we had to grow up in our 20s
  • 00:05:46.190 --> 00:05:49.060
  • kind of figuring out how to be
  • 00:05:49.060 --> 00:05:51.000
  • men let alone men of God which
  • 00:05:51.000 --> 00:05:53.050
  • is two totally different things
  • 00:05:53.050 --> 00:05:54.130
  • all by ourselves.
  • 00:05:54.130 --> 00:05:57.000
  • - Helen: Right.
  • 00:05:57.000 --> 00:05:57.280
  • So, what filled that gap for
  • 00:05:57.280 --> 00:05:59.230
  • you?
  • 00:05:59.230 --> 00:06:00.160
  • When did you kind of come to
  • 00:06:00.160 --> 00:06:01.220
  • terms with this big challenge in
  • 00:06:02.050 --> 00:06:05.050
  • your life and feeling a little
  • 00:06:05.050 --> 00:06:06.210
  • isolated, abandoned, and alone?
  • 00:06:06.210 --> 00:06:08.170
  • - Alex: So, there was a few
  • 00:06:08.170 --> 00:06:09.220
  • moments where God responded in a
  • 00:06:09.220 --> 00:06:11.280
  • mighty way.
  • 00:06:11.280 --> 00:06:12.250
  • So, like I said, I pulled away
  • 00:06:12.250 --> 00:06:14.010
  • from God and I started figuring
  • 00:06:14.010 --> 00:06:16.040
  • things out on my own.
  • 00:06:16.040 --> 00:06:17.210
  • You know, I was in a really bad
  • 00:06:17.210 --> 00:06:19.060
  • relationship at the time.
  • 00:06:19.060 --> 00:06:20.240
  • And I prayed one night, and I
  • 00:06:20.240 --> 00:06:22.010
  • was like, "God, you know what,
  • 00:06:22.010 --> 00:06:23.180
  • if you don't want us to be
  • 00:06:23.180 --> 00:06:25.120
  • together then you need to just
  • 00:06:25.120 --> 00:06:27.110
  • express that to me.
  • 00:06:27.110 --> 00:06:29.110
  • Somehow, some way, deliver that
  • 00:06:29.110 --> 00:06:30.140
  • message, that we're--that this
  • 00:06:30.140 --> 00:06:32.040
  • is done that I need to start
  • 00:06:32.040 --> 00:06:34.110
  • moving away."
  • 00:06:34.110 --> 00:06:35.170
  • So, it was raining one night in
  • 00:06:35.170 --> 00:06:37.110
  • Miami and I was driving to go
  • 00:06:37.110 --> 00:06:39.220
  • see this, the person I was
  • 00:06:39.220 --> 00:06:41.080
  • dating, and the road was really
  • 00:06:41.100 --> 00:06:44.100
  • slick and wet, and I lost
  • 00:06:44.100 --> 00:06:45.260
  • control.
  • 00:06:45.260 --> 00:06:46.270
  • I had an SUV at the time, lost
  • 00:06:46.270 --> 00:06:48.120
  • control of my car.
  • 00:06:48.120 --> 00:06:49.190
  • I hopped over a median and I
  • 00:06:49.190 --> 00:06:51.150
  • slid.
  • 00:06:51.150 --> 00:06:52.170
  • So, I got onto like, almost
  • 00:06:52.170 --> 00:06:54.070
  • where oncoming traffic would be
  • 00:06:54.070 --> 00:06:55.280
  • except there were no cars on the
  • 00:06:55.280 --> 00:06:56.230
  • road.
  • 00:06:56.230 --> 00:06:58.010
  • So, I kind of had just a moment
  • 00:06:59.030 --> 00:07:02.050
  • there where I was like, okay, I
  • 00:07:02.050 --> 00:07:03.010
  • remember the prayer that I made.
  • 00:07:03.010 --> 00:07:04.120
  • I just witnessed what happened,
  • 00:07:04.120 --> 00:07:05.280
  • luckily, thank God, like, there
  • 00:07:05.280 --> 00:07:07.080
  • were no cars on the road.
  • 00:07:07.080 --> 00:07:09.060
  • Otherwise I might not even be
  • 00:07:09.060 --> 00:07:10.120
  • here right now.
  • 00:07:10.120 --> 00:07:11.270
  • And I just realized in that
  • 00:07:11.270 --> 00:07:13.040
  • moment, I was like, "Wow, this
  • 00:07:13.040 --> 00:07:14.190
  • is what people, when people ask
  • 00:07:14.190 --> 00:07:16.100
  • for signs and they ask for God
  • 00:07:16.100 --> 00:07:17.270
  • to respond to them, this is one
  • 00:07:17.270 --> 00:07:19.270
  • of those moments."
  • 00:07:19.270 --> 00:07:20.290
  • - Helen: So, God showed you he
  • 00:07:20.290 --> 00:07:23.220
  • protected you in that moment but
  • 00:07:23.220 --> 00:07:26.100
  • from there then you had to make
  • 00:07:26.100 --> 00:07:28.100
  • a choice.
  • 00:07:28.100 --> 00:07:29.040
  • - Alex: Absolutely, so,
  • 00:07:29.040 --> 00:07:30.130
  • continuing then with what I was
  • 00:07:30.130 --> 00:07:32.020
  • dealing with with the divorce, I
  • 00:07:32.020 --> 00:07:33.090
  • realized after that moment that
  • 00:07:33.090 --> 00:07:34.190
  • I needed help because I was
  • 00:07:34.190 --> 00:07:35.250
  • going through such depression
  • 00:07:35.250 --> 00:07:37.130
  • that I didn't feel as if like I
  • 00:07:37.130 --> 00:07:39.050
  • could even be myself around my
  • 00:07:39.050 --> 00:07:40.120
  • family, around my friends, I
  • 00:07:40.120 --> 00:07:42.060
  • didn't even recognize who I was,
  • 00:07:42.060 --> 00:07:44.090
  • you know, around my family and
  • 00:07:44.090 --> 00:07:45.100
  • friends.
  • 00:07:45.100 --> 00:07:46.080
  • So, I decided to go see a
  • 00:07:46.080 --> 00:07:47.020
  • therapist and she recommended
  • 00:07:47.020 --> 00:07:48.270
  • volunteer work which the reason
  • 00:07:48.270 --> 00:07:51.050
  • she said that was, you know,
  • 00:07:51.050 --> 00:07:52.090
  • "You need to start pouring into
  • 00:07:52.090 --> 00:07:54.010
  • other people so that you can be
  • 00:07:54.010 --> 00:07:56.140
  • fed."
  • 00:07:56.140 --> 00:07:57.210
  • Found out afterwards that the
  • 00:07:57.210 --> 00:07:58.170
  • therapist was Christian the
  • 00:07:58.170 --> 00:07:59.290
  • whole time and like, recommended
  • 00:07:59.290 --> 00:08:01.100
  • a book by Joyce Meyer, and I was
  • 00:08:01.100 --> 00:08:03.030
  • like, "Okay."
  • 00:08:03.030 --> 00:08:04.000
  • And started reading that, and
  • 00:08:04.000 --> 00:08:06.040
  • then became a volunteer at a
  • 00:08:06.040 --> 00:08:07.040
  • children's hospital in Miami
  • 00:08:07.040 --> 00:08:09.080
  • which I was there for about 7
  • 00:08:09.080 --> 00:08:10.200
  • years.
  • 00:08:10.200 --> 00:08:11.120
  • - Helen: Wow.
  • 00:08:11.120 --> 00:08:12.130
  • - Alex: Yeah, so, like, what
  • 00:08:12.130 --> 00:08:13.170
  • happened when I became a
  • 00:08:13.170 --> 00:08:14.240
  • volunteer at a children's
  • 00:08:14.240 --> 00:08:15.190
  • hospital I learned almost to
  • 00:08:15.190 --> 00:08:16.170
  • love again.
  • 00:08:16.170 --> 00:08:17.290
  • I learned that I could trust
  • 00:08:17.290 --> 00:08:18.280
  • other people because of the
  • 00:08:18.280 --> 00:08:20.010
  • relationship that happened, you
  • 00:08:20.010 --> 00:08:21.270
  • know, my parents' separation, I
  • 00:08:21.270 --> 00:08:23.110
  • couldn't trust anyone anymore
  • 00:08:23.110 --> 00:08:25.070
  • because two people I trusted
  • 00:08:25.070 --> 00:08:26.150
  • more than anyone in the world
  • 00:08:26.150 --> 00:08:28.060
  • now let me down.
  • 00:08:28.060 --> 00:08:29.210
  • You know, so it's like, it
  • 00:08:29.210 --> 00:08:30.280
  • almost gave me carte blanche to
  • 00:08:30.280 --> 00:08:32.030
  • kind of say, "Well now, I can't
  • 00:08:32.030 --> 00:08:33.090
  • trust anybody."
  • 00:08:33.090 --> 00:08:34.060
  • So, volunteering at the hospital
  • 00:08:34.060 --> 00:08:35.110
  • really opened my eyes and while
  • 00:08:35.110 --> 00:08:38.060
  • I was at the hospital, the
  • 00:08:38.060 --> 00:08:39.000
  • second testimony also happened.
  • 00:08:39.000 --> 00:08:41.000
  • So, again, I was in another
  • 00:08:41.000 --> 00:08:42.090
  • relationship and I thought I was
  • 00:08:42.100 --> 00:08:45.100
  • going to end up marrying this
  • 00:08:45.100 --> 00:08:46.240
  • girl that I was dating.
  • 00:08:46.240 --> 00:08:48.120
  • And before I ever even had the
  • 00:08:48.120 --> 00:08:50.160
  • chance to ask, we broke up, and
  • 00:08:51.200 --> 00:08:54.200
  • it was very difficult for me
  • 00:08:54.200 --> 00:08:55.290
  • because I was seeking the things
  • 00:08:55.290 --> 00:08:58.050
  • that I wanted, you know, I was
  • 00:08:58.050 --> 00:08:59.280
  • seeking, I never prayed about
  • 00:08:59.280 --> 00:09:01.100
  • who God had for me.
  • 00:09:01.100 --> 00:09:02.230
  • I never prayed for God to guide
  • 00:09:02.230 --> 00:09:04.140
  • my life.
  • 00:09:04.140 --> 00:09:05.140
  • I had a plan for my life and God
  • 00:09:05.140 --> 00:09:06.280
  • needed to get in line with my
  • 00:09:06.280 --> 00:09:08.140
  • plans in order for me to be
  • 00:09:08.140 --> 00:09:10.280
  • happy.
  • 00:09:10.280 --> 00:09:11.230
  • It had never had anything to do
  • 00:09:11.230 --> 00:09:13.000
  • with his plans for me.
  • 00:09:13.000 --> 00:09:14.220
  • It was always my plans and he
  • 00:09:14.220 --> 00:09:15.210
  • needed to agree to my plans.
  • 00:09:15.210 --> 00:09:16.280
  • So, just giving you, painting
  • 00:09:16.280 --> 00:09:18.180
  • the picture of what was about to
  • 00:09:18.180 --> 00:09:19.200
  • happen.
  • 00:09:19.200 --> 00:09:20.250
  • So, there I am.
  • 00:09:20.250 --> 00:09:21.240
  • I had an engagement ring, I
  • 00:09:21.240 --> 00:09:23.010
  • thought that, you know, I was
  • 00:09:23.010 --> 00:09:24.010
  • going to end up marrying this
  • 00:09:24.010 --> 00:09:25.200
  • girl that I was really in love
  • 00:09:25.200 --> 00:09:26.180
  • with, and the relationship ends,
  • 00:09:26.180 --> 00:09:28.100
  • and I go for a run, right?
  • 00:09:28.100 --> 00:09:30.190
  • And I break down in the middle
  • 00:09:30.190 --> 00:09:31.210
  • of this run and I go, "God, if
  • 00:09:31.210 --> 00:09:32.290
  • this is you creating this
  • 00:09:33.030 --> 00:09:36.030
  • situation then I need you now
  • 00:09:36.030 --> 00:09:37.250
  • more than ever."
  • 00:09:37.250 --> 00:09:39.070
  • And lo and behold, I kept
  • 00:09:39.070 --> 00:09:41.120
  • praying, and I kept praying, and
  • 00:09:41.120 --> 00:09:42.130
  • I kept believing, and I kept
  • 00:09:42.130 --> 00:09:43.170
  • using the becoming a volunteer
  • 00:09:43.170 --> 00:09:45.230
  • at the hospital as part of the
  • 00:09:45.230 --> 00:09:46.260
  • testimony.
  • 00:09:46.260 --> 00:09:47.250
  • I was like, "You know what?
  • 00:09:47.250 --> 00:09:48.160
  • If you did it for me back then,
  • 00:09:48.160 --> 00:09:49.130
  • you're going to do it again
  • 00:09:49.130 --> 00:09:50.070
  • now."
  • 00:09:50.070 --> 00:09:51.030
  • And I didn't have that before.
  • 00:09:51.030 --> 00:09:52.260
  • - Helen: So, I know it's a good
  • 00:09:52.260 --> 00:09:54.040
  • ending.
  • 00:09:54.040 --> 00:09:55.140
  • I know that the story's
  • 00:09:55.140 --> 00:09:56.080
  • fantastic and I've loved you
  • 00:09:56.080 --> 00:09:57.140
  • letting us delve into yours a
  • 00:09:57.140 --> 00:09:58.230
  • little bit, and now we're going
  • 00:09:58.230 --> 00:10:00.100
  • to meet with a few others, and a
  • 00:10:00.100 --> 00:10:02.110
  • very special lady, and a new
  • 00:10:02.110 --> 00:10:04.050
  • season in your life.
  • 00:10:04.050 --> 00:10:05.120
  • So, thank you so much for
  • 00:10:05.120 --> 00:10:06.170
  • sharing this Alex and I can't
  • 00:10:06.170 --> 00:10:07.230
  • wait to continue this story.
  • 00:10:07.230 --> 00:10:09.090
  • - Niyah: Wow, what insight into
  • 00:10:12.130 --> 00:10:13.220
  • this emotionally driven part of
  • 00:10:13.220 --> 00:10:14.260
  • relationships.
  • 00:10:14.260 --> 00:10:15.180
  • Now, after the break we welcome
  • 00:10:15.180 --> 00:10:16.230
  • our guests to the studio to
  • 00:10:16.230 --> 00:10:18.070
  • continue this conversation.
  • 00:10:18.070 --> 00:10:19.250
  • [music]
  • 00:10:27.260 --> 00:10:30.210
  • - Niyah: Welcome back to "Sex,
  • 00:10:30.210 --> 00:10:32.010
  • Love & Relationships."
  • 00:10:32.010 --> 00:10:33.010
  • Now, we just saw Helen discuss
  • 00:10:33.010 --> 00:10:34.150
  • the topic of healthy boundaries
  • 00:10:34.150 --> 00:10:36.120
  • with a man who is now joined by
  • 00:10:36.120 --> 00:10:37.240
  • his lovely in the studio.
  • 00:10:37.240 --> 00:10:40.100
  • Let's welcome Alex and Tiffany.
  • 00:10:40.100 --> 00:10:42.040
  • Welcome, good to see you guys,
  • 00:10:42.040 --> 00:10:43.250
  • good to have you.
  • 00:10:43.250 --> 00:10:44.290
  • - Alex: Good to be here.
  • 00:10:44.290 --> 00:10:46.030
  • - Niyah: So, now, Alex, we
  • 00:10:46.030 --> 00:10:47.140
  • heard a little bit about your
  • 00:10:47.140 --> 00:10:48.170
  • story, and you know, just taking
  • 00:10:48.170 --> 00:10:50.180
  • us on the journey.
  • 00:10:50.180 --> 00:10:51.260
  • You've come from a, you know,
  • 00:10:51.260 --> 00:10:54.080
  • your parents divorced and you
  • 00:10:54.080 --> 00:10:55.100
  • were having trouble kind of
  • 00:10:55.100 --> 00:10:56.080
  • navigating the dating world
  • 00:10:56.080 --> 00:10:57.290
  • because of that, you know,
  • 00:10:57.290 --> 00:10:59.150
  • trusting again, and then you
  • 00:10:59.150 --> 00:11:01.070
  • said you were on a journey where
  • 00:11:01.070 --> 00:11:02.120
  • you about to even ask another
  • 00:11:02.120 --> 00:11:03.240
  • young lady to, you know, to be
  • 00:11:03.240 --> 00:11:06.020
  • your wife, but then something
  • 00:11:06.020 --> 00:11:07.280
  • happened.
  • 00:11:07.280 --> 00:11:09.010
  • - Alex: God happened.
  • 00:11:09.010 --> 00:11:10.000
  • - Niayh: Aw, come on.
  • 00:11:10.000 --> 00:11:11.140
  • - Alex: God happened, to be
  • 00:11:11.140 --> 00:11:12.240
  • honest with you.
  • 00:11:12.240 --> 00:11:13.100
  • Yeah, so, so part of my story
  • 00:11:13.100 --> 00:11:15.200
  • was, so there was an engagement
  • 00:11:15.200 --> 00:11:18.110
  • that I thought was going to
  • 00:11:18.110 --> 00:11:19.070
  • happen.
  • 00:11:19.070 --> 00:11:19.280
  • God had other plans.
  • 00:11:19.280 --> 00:11:20.250
  • God then moves me to Los
  • 00:11:20.250 --> 00:11:21.260
  • Angeles, gets me a job that I've
  • 00:11:21.260 --> 00:11:24.010
  • always dreamed of having.
  • 00:11:24.010 --> 00:11:25.220
  • Then at that point I was like,
  • 00:11:25.220 --> 00:11:26.210
  • "Okay, God if you have the woman
  • 00:11:26.210 --> 00:11:28.280
  • for me now that I'm supposed to
  • 00:11:28.280 --> 00:11:30.280
  • be with that would be great too.
  • 00:11:30.280 --> 00:11:33.010
  • I mean, if you want to add a
  • 00:11:33.010 --> 00:11:33.270
  • little bonus that would be
  • 00:11:33.270 --> 00:11:35.030
  • great."
  • 00:11:35.030 --> 00:11:35.280
  • So then, he actually challenged
  • 00:11:35.280 --> 00:11:36.270
  • me in that area.
  • 00:11:36.270 --> 00:11:38.010
  • So, he said, "If you are willing
  • 00:11:38.080 --> 00:11:41.080
  • to look and find the woman that
  • 00:11:41.080 --> 00:11:43.080
  • I have for you, you need to
  • 00:11:43.080 --> 00:11:45.120
  • start doing things the way that
  • 00:11:45.120 --> 00:11:47.090
  • I need you to do things and not
  • 00:11:47.090 --> 00:11:48.230
  • continue to fall into the same
  • 00:11:48.230 --> 00:11:50.230
  • dating habits that have led you
  • 00:11:50.230 --> 00:11:52.190
  • to the same result time and time
  • 00:11:52.190 --> 00:11:54.190
  • again."
  • 00:11:54.190 --> 00:11:55.140
  • - John: So, that's where
  • 00:11:55.140 --> 00:11:56.110
  • boundaries come in.
  • 00:11:56.110 --> 00:11:58.200
  • So, can I ask you guys and
  • 00:11:58.200 --> 00:12:00.260
  • Tiffany, just ask you, what are
  • 00:12:00.260 --> 00:12:03.210
  • some of the boundaries that are
  • 00:12:03.210 --> 00:12:05.010
  • absolutes in your relationship?
  • 00:12:05.010 --> 00:12:07.020
  • - Tiffany: Absolutely.
  • 00:12:07.020 --> 00:12:08.220
  • Well, when we first, like when
  • 00:12:08.220 --> 00:12:10.150
  • we first started dating, I think
  • 00:12:10.150 --> 00:12:11.250
  • like, our very first date
  • 00:12:11.250 --> 00:12:13.010
  • actually, I told him he was my
  • 00:12:13.010 --> 00:12:15.090
  • very first kiss.
  • 00:12:15.090 --> 00:12:17.090
  • I grew up in a, I grew up
  • 00:12:17.090 --> 00:12:19.290
  • Christian, like I was saved when
  • 00:12:19.290 --> 00:12:21.030
  • I was 3 years old and then I had
  • 00:12:21.030 --> 00:12:23.030
  • this passion within me like, I
  • 00:12:23.030 --> 00:12:25.000
  • have a destiny to fulfill and if
  • 00:12:25.000 --> 00:12:26.100
  • the right man isn't here then I
  • 00:12:26.100 --> 00:12:28.210
  • don't have time to be wasting.
  • 00:12:28.210 --> 00:12:30.060
  • I don't have the emotional
  • 00:12:30.060 --> 00:12:31.230
  • capacity to take all those
  • 00:12:31.230 --> 00:12:33.020
  • setbacks because I've seen how
  • 00:12:33.020 --> 00:12:34.180
  • like, friends and families were
  • 00:12:34.180 --> 00:12:36.110
  • like, getting setback and about
  • 00:12:36.110 --> 00:12:38.050
  • how like, break-ups, and about
  • 00:12:38.050 --> 00:12:39.290
  • how like, it was just, it wasn't
  • 00:12:39.290 --> 00:12:41.180
  • good.
  • 00:12:41.180 --> 00:12:42.160
  • And so, I was like, well if it's
  • 00:12:42.160 --> 00:12:43.150
  • not good or healthy for me to be
  • 00:12:43.150 --> 00:12:45.260
  • in a relationship right now then
  • 00:12:45.260 --> 00:12:47.020
  • I'm going to just keep on going
  • 00:12:47.020 --> 00:12:48.170
  • and I just kept on going, and
  • 00:12:48.170 --> 00:12:49.200
  • like, till I had a master's
  • 00:12:49.200 --> 00:12:51.070
  • degree in nursing.
  • 00:12:51.070 --> 00:12:52.080
  • Like I just kept going, like, I
  • 00:12:52.080 --> 00:12:53.080
  • just kept going.
  • 00:12:53.080 --> 00:12:54.230
  • And finally got to a point where
  • 00:12:54.230 --> 00:12:57.010
  • I was like, "God, I need
  • 00:12:57.010 --> 00:12:58.130
  • breakthrough in this area in my
  • 00:12:58.130 --> 00:12:59.170
  • life like badly."
  • 00:12:59.170 --> 00:13:00.200
  • Like, I was just really feeling
  • 00:13:00.200 --> 00:13:01.240
  • it.
  • 00:13:01.240 --> 00:13:02.210
  • I was like, begging God, like
  • 00:13:02.210 --> 00:13:04.000
  • screaming out at God.
  • 00:13:04.000 --> 00:13:05.230
  • Like, "Okay God, it is time."
  • 00:13:05.230 --> 00:13:08.180
  • And the next thing I knew, like,
  • 00:13:08.270 --> 00:13:11.270
  • Alex came and it was like, but
  • 00:13:11.270 --> 00:13:14.270
  • it was like God put something in
  • 00:13:14.270 --> 00:13:16.100
  • my heart like, before like, we
  • 00:13:16.100 --> 00:13:17.140
  • ever even went out for the first
  • 00:13:17.140 --> 00:13:19.050
  • time.
  • 00:13:19.050 --> 00:13:20.170
  • Or like, for the first month.
  • 00:13:20.170 --> 00:13:21.230
  • There was just something there,
  • 00:13:21.230 --> 00:13:23.050
  • I was just like, that God put
  • 00:13:23.050 --> 00:13:24.110
  • there, like, he was like, "Okay,
  • 00:13:24.110 --> 00:13:26.020
  • why?
  • 00:13:26.020 --> 00:13:27.090
  • Why isn't he on your lift?"
  • 00:13:27.090 --> 00:13:28.230
  • And I was like, "I don't know."
  • 00:13:28.230 --> 00:13:29.250
  • So, I was like, "Better go find
  • 00:13:29.250 --> 00:13:31.200
  • out."
  • 00:13:31.200 --> 00:13:32.290
  • And so, so then that's what
  • 00:13:32.290 --> 00:13:34.280
  • happened.
  • 00:13:34.280 --> 00:13:36.010
  • And then, like, I told him like,
  • 00:13:36.010 --> 00:13:37.170
  • I was just, he was my first kiss
  • 00:13:37.170 --> 00:13:38.260
  • and then like--
  • 00:13:38.260 --> 00:13:40.050
  • - Alex: I freaked out.
  • 00:13:40.050 --> 00:13:40.280
  • I was like, "Really?
  • 00:13:40.280 --> 00:13:41.230
  • Okay."
  • 00:13:41.230 --> 00:13:42.150
  • - Tiffany: He completely
  • 00:13:42.150 --> 00:13:43.110
  • freaked out.
  • 00:13:43.110 --> 00:13:44.010
  • It was great.
  • 00:13:44.010 --> 00:13:44.290
  • I was like, the good freaking
  • 00:13:44.290 --> 00:13:45.230
  • out.
  • 00:13:45.230 --> 00:13:46.150
  • Like, he was just like, "What?"
  • 00:13:46.150 --> 00:13:47.170
  • Like, he thought it was an honor
  • 00:13:47.170 --> 00:13:48.180
  • to be someone's first because
  • 00:13:48.180 --> 00:13:51.070
  • he'd never been anyone's first
  • 00:13:51.070 --> 00:13:52.070
  • before.
  • 00:13:52.070 --> 00:13:53.030
  • - Helen: I was your first kiss.
  • 00:13:53.030 --> 00:13:54.100
  • - females: Aww.
  • 00:13:54.100 --> 00:13:55.270
  • - Alex: How'd that work out?
  • 00:13:55.270 --> 00:13:56.150
  • - Helen: It worked out pretty
  • 00:13:56.150 --> 00:13:57.150
  • good.
  • 00:13:57.150 --> 00:13:58.060
  • I didn't have to guess if it was
  • 00:13:58.060 --> 00:13:59.010
  • his first kiss.
  • 00:13:59.010 --> 00:13:59.280
  • - John: First and last.
  • 00:13:59.280 --> 00:14:01.060
  • - Alex: See, first and last.
  • 00:14:01.060 --> 00:14:03.140
  • - Helen: We won't talk about me
  • 00:14:03.140 --> 00:14:04.100
  • though but that was his first
  • 00:14:04.100 --> 00:14:05.060
  • kiss.
  • 00:14:05.060 --> 00:14:06.000
  • - Niyah: Let me, well let me
  • 00:14:06.000 --> 00:14:06.260
  • ask, you said first kiss, right?
  • 00:14:06.260 --> 00:14:08.120
  • So now you're coming in, you
  • 00:14:08.120 --> 00:14:09.280
  • know, new relationship, you
  • 00:14:09.280 --> 00:14:11.220
  • know, for you, what have you,
  • 00:14:11.220 --> 00:14:13.140
  • now, how do you set boundaries?
  • 00:14:13.140 --> 00:14:14.230
  • Do you know to set boundaries?
  • 00:14:14.230 --> 00:14:16.200
  • Do you talk about it?
  • 00:14:16.200 --> 00:14:18.160
  • What, how does?
  • 00:14:18.160 --> 00:14:19.180
  • - Helen: That's a great
  • 00:14:19.180 --> 00:14:20.110
  • question.
  • 00:14:20.110 --> 00:14:21.010
  • - Tiffany: We talked about it
  • 00:14:21.010 --> 00:14:21.230
  • from the beginning.
  • 00:14:21.230 --> 00:14:22.170
  • I was like, "I am not having sex
  • 00:14:22.170 --> 00:14:23.200
  • before I'm married and I don't
  • 00:14:23.200 --> 00:14:24.210
  • know if you're the guy or not
  • 00:14:24.210 --> 00:14:25.250
  • but that's just the way it's
  • 00:14:25.250 --> 00:14:27.000
  • going to be."
  • 00:14:27.000 --> 00:14:28.070
  • We talked about that from the
  • 00:14:28.070 --> 00:14:29.020
  • beginning.
  • 00:14:29.020 --> 00:14:29.270
  • And then I told him we need a
  • 00:14:29.270 --> 00:14:30.230
  • spiritually healthy community
  • 00:14:30.230 --> 00:14:31.240
  • around us mentoring us to keep
  • 00:14:31.240 --> 00:14:33.030
  • us accountable and to just keep
  • 00:14:33.030 --> 00:14:35.140
  • us in prayer, and so, that was
  • 00:14:35.140 --> 00:14:38.080
  • like, the next step we took was
  • 00:14:38.080 --> 00:14:39.180
  • we took a couple of our good,
  • 00:14:39.180 --> 00:14:41.270
  • respected friends and had dinner
  • 00:14:41.270 --> 00:14:44.020
  • with them.
  • 00:14:44.020 --> 00:14:45.030
  • - Helen: So good.
  • 00:14:45.030 --> 00:14:47.250
  • So then, talk to me about how it
  • 00:14:49.080 --> 00:14:52.080
  • felt for you Alex coming in
  • 00:14:52.080 --> 00:14:54.060
  • because you shared earlier that
  • 00:14:54.060 --> 00:14:55.080
  • your past looked very different.
  • 00:14:55.080 --> 00:14:57.170
  • And I've heard that from people
  • 00:14:57.170 --> 00:14:58.130
  • whether it's the male or the
  • 00:14:58.130 --> 00:14:59.200
  • female, they're almost afraid
  • 00:14:59.200 --> 00:15:01.240
  • sometimes of starting a new
  • 00:15:01.240 --> 00:15:03.010
  • relationship and the stress of,
  • 00:15:03.010 --> 00:15:05.130
  • "I want it to be honorable."
  • 00:15:05.130 --> 00:15:06.140
  • You had a very high standard and
  • 00:15:06.140 --> 00:15:07.280
  • you knew clearly what you wanted
  • 00:15:07.280 --> 00:15:09.040
  • but did that feel like, I know
  • 00:15:09.040 --> 00:15:11.160
  • that's what you wanted too, but
  • 00:15:11.160 --> 00:15:12.230
  • did it feel like pressure to
  • 00:15:12.230 --> 00:15:14.010
  • you?
  • 00:15:14.010 --> 00:15:14.290
  • - Alex: It didn't because I
  • 00:15:14.290 --> 00:15:15.220
  • felt like it was the final step
  • 00:15:15.220 --> 00:15:17.060
  • that I needed because I was
  • 00:15:17.060 --> 00:15:18.200
  • talking then about my journey
  • 00:15:18.200 --> 00:15:19.290
  • throughout my 20s of trying to
  • 00:15:19.290 --> 00:15:21.270
  • discover how to be a man and
  • 00:15:21.270 --> 00:15:23.120
  • then now becoming a man of
  • 00:15:23.120 --> 00:15:24.170
  • faith.
  • 00:15:24.170 --> 00:15:25.250
  • It was the final step for God to
  • 00:15:25.250 --> 00:15:27.010
  • say, "If you can do this then I
  • 00:15:27.010 --> 00:15:28.290
  • can use you but I need you, I
  • 00:15:28.290 --> 00:15:30.170
  • need you to understand that this
  • 00:15:30.270 --> 00:15:33.270
  • much more than just a
  • 00:15:33.270 --> 00:15:35.010
  • relationship, like, I'm working
  • 00:15:35.010 --> 00:15:36.080
  • in your heart.
  • 00:15:36.080 --> 00:15:37.230
  • Like, I'm actually reshaping it
  • 00:15:37.230 --> 00:15:39.190
  • into where I need it to be so
  • 00:15:39.190 --> 00:15:41.130
  • that not only, yes, you're going
  • 00:15:41.130 --> 00:15:43.270
  • to find the woman that I have
  • 00:15:43.270 --> 00:15:45.040
  • for you but together," and this
  • 00:15:45.040 --> 00:15:46.290
  • goes, you know, going back to
  • 00:15:46.290 --> 00:15:47.280
  • healthy boundaries, "together
  • 00:15:47.280 --> 00:15:49.020
  • you guys are going to be used in
  • 00:15:49.020 --> 00:15:51.100
  • a way that I could've never used
  • 00:15:51.100 --> 00:15:52.290
  • you by yourself."
  • 00:15:52.290 --> 00:15:53.280
  • - John: Okay, to say that
  • 00:15:53.280 --> 00:15:56.180
  • you're not going to have sex
  • 00:15:56.180 --> 00:15:57.260
  • before marriage is a really
  • 00:15:57.260 --> 00:15:59.120
  • great honorable thing but
  • 00:15:59.120 --> 00:16:01.150
  • without a plan it doesn't work.
  • 00:16:02.010 --> 00:16:05.010
  • So, what's your plan?
  • 00:16:05.010 --> 00:16:06.110
  • What are your boundaries?
  • 00:16:06.110 --> 00:16:07.050
  • How are going to make sure that
  • 00:16:07.050 --> 00:16:08.220
  • doesn't happen?
  • 00:16:08.220 --> 00:16:10.130
  • - Alex: Well, we got engaged,
  • 00:16:10.130 --> 00:16:12.080
  • so that's part of it.
  • 00:16:12.080 --> 00:16:13.280
  • Well, I think it's a huge part
  • 00:16:14.100 --> 00:16:17.100
  • of it because you have to
  • 00:16:17.100 --> 00:16:18.100
  • understand, well, what's this
  • 00:16:18.100 --> 00:16:19.290
  • thing going to look like?
  • 00:16:19.290 --> 00:16:21.000
  • So, we set a plan of this is
  • 00:16:21.000 --> 00:16:23.070
  • where we want to be and this is
  • 00:16:23.070 --> 00:16:25.260
  • where we want to end up because
  • 00:16:25.260 --> 00:16:26.240
  • this is how God intends this
  • 00:16:26.240 --> 00:16:27.220
  • relationship to be.
  • 00:16:27.220 --> 00:16:29.070
  • So, we first said, "Okay, we
  • 00:16:29.070 --> 00:16:31.100
  • need to, if we're going to do
  • 00:16:31.100 --> 00:16:33.150
  • this, we're going to stand off
  • 00:16:33.150 --> 00:16:34.270
  • until we get married, we need to
  • 00:16:34.270 --> 00:16:36.120
  • get engaged, and then start
  • 00:16:36.120 --> 00:16:37.120
  • creating a plan."
  • 00:16:37.120 --> 00:16:38.150
  • So, that's one.
  • 00:16:38.150 --> 00:16:39.070
  • And then two is, one thing that
  • 00:16:39.070 --> 00:16:41.000
  • we do is we pray with each other
  • 00:16:41.000 --> 00:16:43.150
  • every single night, and what
  • 00:16:43.150 --> 00:16:45.010
  • that does is it allows us to
  • 00:16:45.010 --> 00:16:47.050
  • feel as if we're inviting God
  • 00:16:47.050 --> 00:16:49.250
  • every night into our
  • 00:16:49.250 --> 00:16:51.170
  • relationship and it's able so
  • 00:16:51.170 --> 00:16:54.050
  • whether we're angry, whether
  • 00:16:54.050 --> 00:16:55.030
  • we're, you know, we're feeling
  • 00:16:55.030 --> 00:16:57.030
  • any other type of way, allowing
  • 00:16:57.030 --> 00:16:59.080
  • God into our relationship on a
  • 00:16:59.080 --> 00:17:00.280
  • nightly basis allows those
  • 00:17:00.280 --> 00:17:03.150
  • boundaries to say, "No God,
  • 00:17:03.150 --> 00:17:04.250
  • like, we're living for you,
  • 00:17:04.250 --> 00:17:05.290
  • we're not living for each
  • 00:17:05.290 --> 00:17:06.250
  • other."
  • 00:17:06.250 --> 00:17:07.160
  • So, we don't make it about it
  • 00:17:07.160 --> 00:17:08.120
  • about each other.
  • 00:17:08.120 --> 00:17:09.100
  • And if we understand that we
  • 00:17:09.100 --> 00:17:10.120
  • understand that, you know,
  • 00:17:10.120 --> 00:17:11.180
  • regardless of my past like, God
  • 00:17:11.180 --> 00:17:14.000
  • can use me and the relationship
  • 00:17:14.000 --> 00:17:16.070
  • that I have now like, I feel,
  • 00:17:16.070 --> 00:17:18.010
  • and like, knowing I was her
  • 00:17:18.010 --> 00:17:18.290
  • first kiss and everything
  • 00:17:18.290 --> 00:17:19.290
  • it's--yes, it's some pressure
  • 00:17:19.290 --> 00:17:21.120
  • but it's the good kind of
  • 00:17:21.120 --> 00:17:22.150
  • pressure.
  • 00:17:22.150 --> 00:17:23.070
  • It's almost what I needed in
  • 00:17:23.070 --> 00:17:24.000
  • order to set this right because
  • 00:17:24.000 --> 00:17:25.210
  • like, I lived in the world, and
  • 00:17:25.210 --> 00:17:26.270
  • I did all that stuff, and it got
  • 00:17:26.270 --> 00:17:27.290
  • me nowhere.
  • 00:17:27.290 --> 00:17:29.260
  • So, it's almost like, I know
  • 00:17:29.260 --> 00:17:30.280
  • that there's an empty feeling
  • 00:17:30.280 --> 00:17:32.080
  • behind it, so I'm not
  • 00:17:32.080 --> 00:17:33.060
  • necessarily tempted to do any of
  • 00:17:33.060 --> 00:17:35.120
  • that stuff because it led me
  • 00:17:35.120 --> 00:17:37.060
  • down such a broken road.
  • 00:17:37.060 --> 00:17:39.120
  • - John: Okay, is there some
  • 00:17:39.120 --> 00:17:40.230
  • things that you won't do?
  • 00:17:40.230 --> 00:17:42.010
  • Like I'm not going to be in this
  • 00:17:42.010 --> 00:17:43.190
  • place at this time, that kind of
  • 00:17:43.190 --> 00:17:45.190
  • stuff.
  • 00:17:45.190 --> 00:17:48.010
  • - Tiffany: I'd say our approach
  • 00:17:48.010 --> 00:17:49.080
  • is more of like, purity as a
  • 00:17:49.080 --> 00:17:51.200
  • direction which is a phrase that
  • 00:17:51.200 --> 00:17:53.220
  • I've struggled with in the past.
  • 00:17:53.220 --> 00:17:55.040
  • Like, I've heard people say
  • 00:17:55.040 --> 00:17:56.050
  • like, "It's a direction that you
  • 00:17:56.050 --> 00:17:57.060
  • choose to take."
  • 00:17:57.060 --> 00:17:58.140
  • And I was like, I think that's
  • 00:17:58.140 --> 00:17:59.180
  • full of BS basically.
  • 00:17:59.180 --> 00:18:02.080
  • I was like, you've got to be
  • 00:18:02.080 --> 00:18:03.080
  • kidding me.
  • 00:18:03.080 --> 00:18:04.020
  • And then I was in a relationship
  • 00:18:04.020 --> 00:18:04.280
  • where like, no, it is, like, a
  • 00:18:04.280 --> 00:18:05.250
  • direction.
  • 00:18:05.250 --> 00:18:06.150
  • Like, you guys know which
  • 00:18:06.150 --> 00:18:07.190
  • direction you're going
  • 00:18:07.190 --> 00:18:08.250
  • physically.
  • 00:18:08.250 --> 00:18:10.050
  • Like, you know which direction
  • 00:18:10.050 --> 00:18:12.020
  • and so you choose to go the
  • 00:18:12.020 --> 00:18:14.030
  • opposite direction.
  • 00:18:14.030 --> 00:18:15.180
  • And you have to choose to go the
  • 00:18:15.180 --> 00:18:17.010
  • opposite direction, like,
  • 00:18:17.010 --> 00:18:17.270
  • together.
  • 00:18:17.270 --> 00:18:18.270
  • And, you know, I think that one
  • 00:18:18.270 --> 00:18:21.100
  • of the things that we
  • 00:18:21.100 --> 00:18:22.150
  • prioritized is making sure the
  • 00:18:22.150 --> 00:18:23.210
  • relationship isn't completely
  • 00:18:23.210 --> 00:18:25.260
  • about us.
  • 00:18:25.260 --> 00:18:27.050
  • Like, we try, you know, we serve
  • 00:18:27.050 --> 00:18:28.110
  • at church.
  • 00:18:28.110 --> 00:18:29.200
  • We make sure that we are pouring
  • 00:18:29.200 --> 00:18:31.040
  • into other people and that it's
  • 00:18:31.040 --> 00:18:33.020
  • not about us.
  • 00:18:33.020 --> 00:18:34.180
  • - Helen: I think that's
  • 00:18:34.180 --> 00:18:35.150
  • actually one of the greatest
  • 00:18:35.150 --> 00:18:36.190
  • keys that we give every single
  • 00:18:36.190 --> 00:18:37.210
  • couple.
  • 00:18:37.210 --> 00:18:38.220
  • Whenever a couple especially,
  • 00:18:38.220 --> 00:18:40.040
  • 'cause I think when you get
  • 00:18:40.040 --> 00:18:41.130
  • engaged it gets better but it
  • 00:18:41.130 --> 00:18:42.270
  • gets harder in some ways too
  • 00:18:42.270 --> 00:18:44.160
  • because you get very, you're
  • 00:18:44.160 --> 00:18:46.170
  • more emotionally connected but
  • 00:18:46.170 --> 00:18:48.200
  • when you get exclusive now you
  • 00:18:48.200 --> 00:18:50.280
  • are in a dangerous territory,
  • 00:18:50.280 --> 00:18:52.240
  • but if it stays open and it's
  • 00:18:52.240 --> 00:18:54.080
  • not just about us, now it's a
  • 00:18:54.080 --> 00:18:56.040
  • bigger picture and it's healthy.
  • 00:18:56.040 --> 00:18:57.120
  • - Niyah: I love this.
  • 00:18:57.120 --> 00:18:58.220
  • Alex, Tiffany, you guys are
  • 00:18:58.220 --> 00:18:59.260
  • awesome.
  • 00:18:59.260 --> 00:19:00.200
  • Thank you so, so much for coming
  • 00:19:00.200 --> 00:19:02.010
  • and visiting us today, sharing
  • 00:19:02.010 --> 00:19:04.180
  • your stories about healthy
  • 00:19:04.180 --> 00:19:05.260
  • boundaries.
  • 00:19:05.260 --> 00:19:07.000
  • I know it's going to touch so
  • 00:19:07.000 --> 00:19:07.290
  • many people out there.
  • 00:19:07.290 --> 00:19:09.130
  • Now, stay tuned because we have
  • 00:19:09.130 --> 00:19:10.200
  • more "Sex, Love & Relationships"
  • 00:19:10.200 --> 00:19:12.090
  • - Niyah: Welcome back to "Sex,
  • 00:19:23.210 --> 00:19:24.200
  • Love & Relationships."
  • 00:19:24.200 --> 00:19:25.220
  • We've had so many questions sent
  • 00:19:25.220 --> 00:19:27.210
  • to us about the topics we're
  • 00:19:27.210 --> 00:19:29.020
  • discussing, so we decided to
  • 00:19:29.020 --> 00:19:30.140
  • send out a camera crew to
  • 00:19:30.140 --> 00:19:32.060
  • - male: Hey Pastors John and
  • 00:19:35.010 --> 00:19:35.230
  • Helen, so, my parents have been
  • 00:19:35.230 --> 00:19:37.020
  • married for 22 years and it
  • 00:19:37.020 --> 00:19:38.190
  • makes me wonder, do healthy
  • 00:19:38.190 --> 00:19:39.260
  • relationships show the ability
  • 00:19:39.260 --> 00:19:41.110
  • to reciprocate?
  • 00:19:41.110 --> 00:19:43.010
  • - Niyah: Ooh, that's a good
  • 00:19:43.010 --> 00:19:44.060
  • one.
  • 00:19:44.060 --> 00:19:45.070
  • What's your thoughts on this
  • 00:19:45.070 --> 00:19:46.060
  • one?
  • 00:19:46.060 --> 00:19:47.030
  • - John: Do healthy
  • 00:19:47.030 --> 00:19:47.270
  • relationships show the ability
  • 00:19:47.270 --> 00:19:49.070
  • to reciprocate?
  • 00:19:49.070 --> 00:19:50.180
  • - Niyah: Yeah, so, is he most
  • 00:19:50.180 --> 00:19:51.280
  • likely to have one as well?
  • 00:19:51.280 --> 00:19:54.100
  • - Helen: You know, I think
  • 00:19:54.100 --> 00:19:55.040
  • that's a great question that we
  • 00:19:55.040 --> 00:19:56.280
  • can assume because we've seen a
  • 00:19:56.280 --> 00:19:59.000
  • healthy relationship which is
  • 00:19:59.000 --> 00:20:00.050
  • such a gift to have that with
  • 00:20:00.050 --> 00:20:02.040
  • your parents and we can assume
  • 00:20:02.040 --> 00:20:04.040
  • that we've seen it so that's
  • 00:20:04.040 --> 00:20:05.250
  • what we're going to have.
  • 00:20:05.250 --> 00:20:07.000
  • And actually, our story's very
  • 00:20:07.000 --> 00:20:09.110
  • different to that.
  • 00:20:09.110 --> 00:20:10.020
  • My parents and John's parents
  • 00:20:10.020 --> 00:20:11.160
  • are both married for 57 years.
  • 00:20:11.160 --> 00:20:14.000
  • So, we saw longevity in marriage
  • 00:20:14.000 --> 00:20:15.240
  • yet when we were married for 4
  • 00:20:15.240 --> 00:20:18.000
  • years I was leaving my marriage.
  • 00:20:18.000 --> 00:20:19.100
  • I was done.
  • 00:20:19.100 --> 00:20:20.090
  • I was like, heartbroken.
  • 00:20:20.090 --> 00:20:22.000
  • I was devastated.
  • 00:20:22.000 --> 00:20:24.000
  • And It wasn't because there was
  • 00:20:24.000 --> 00:20:24.260
  • infidelity, it wasn't because
  • 00:20:24.260 --> 00:20:27.040
  • there was any level of abuse,
  • 00:20:27.040 --> 00:20:28.200
  • but we had really grown apart.
  • 00:20:28.200 --> 00:20:30.120
  • John was busy with building his
  • 00:20:30.120 --> 00:20:31.290
  • career, building all these other
  • 00:20:31.290 --> 00:20:34.180
  • things, I was at home with the
  • 00:20:34.180 --> 00:20:35.270
  • babies.
  • 00:20:35.270 --> 00:20:36.240
  • We forgot to take care of each
  • 00:20:36.240 --> 00:20:38.050
  • other.
  • 00:20:38.050 --> 00:20:38.290
  • Life had gotten very complicated
  • 00:20:38.290 --> 00:20:41.060
  • and then we started to become
  • 00:20:41.060 --> 00:20:42.030
  • quite antagonistic to each other
  • 00:20:42.030 --> 00:20:44.130
  • and I found myself in a position
  • 00:20:44.140 --> 00:20:47.140
  • where John had already moved up
  • 00:20:47.140 --> 00:20:48.230
  • 350 miles away, I'm at home, you
  • 00:20:48.230 --> 00:20:51.200
  • know, dealing with the children
  • 00:20:51.200 --> 00:20:53.040
  • and I decided I'm not moving up
  • 00:20:53.040 --> 00:20:54.150
  • there.
  • 00:20:54.150 --> 00:20:55.060
  • I'm done, I'm not doing this
  • 00:20:55.060 --> 00:20:56.050
  • anymore.
  • 00:20:56.050 --> 00:20:57.160
  • And I just could not imagine the
  • 00:20:57.160 --> 00:20:59.260
  • pain of carrying on in this
  • 00:20:59.260 --> 00:21:02.160
  • brokenness, and so I just
  • 00:21:02.160 --> 00:21:04.150
  • decided that's it.
  • 00:21:04.150 --> 00:21:06.110
  • And yet in that place with a
  • 00:21:06.110 --> 00:21:08.100
  • broken heart is where I had to
  • 00:21:08.100 --> 00:21:10.080
  • decide.
  • 00:21:10.080 --> 00:21:11.080
  • I still remember praying one day
  • 00:21:11.280 --> 00:21:14.280
  • and hearing God say, "Helen,
  • 00:21:14.280 --> 00:21:17.000
  • this is not the life I created
  • 00:21:17.000 --> 00:21:18.050
  • you for."
  • 00:21:18.050 --> 00:21:19.100
  • And I couldn't stay there.
  • 00:21:19.100 --> 00:21:21.100
  • I had to get up and make a
  • 00:21:21.100 --> 00:21:22.160
  • decision, "Well if this isn't
  • 00:21:22.160 --> 00:21:23.140
  • it, I know there's something
  • 00:21:23.140 --> 00:21:25.030
  • different."
  • 00:21:25.030 --> 00:21:25.250
  • I had seen better but I had to
  • 00:21:25.250 --> 00:21:27.110
  • do the work.
  • 00:21:27.110 --> 00:21:28.040
  • It just didn't happen
  • 00:21:28.040 --> 00:21:28.290
  • automatically just because my
  • 00:21:28.290 --> 00:21:29.270
  • parents made it work.
  • 00:21:29.270 --> 00:21:31.140
  • - John: So, in that place where
  • 00:21:31.140 --> 00:21:34.010
  • you were at the bottom and it
  • 00:21:34.010 --> 00:21:36.270
  • was easier not to move up to--
  • 00:21:36.270 --> 00:21:39.110
  • - Helen: Ugh, I just couldn't
  • 00:21:39.110 --> 00:21:40.260
  • bear the thought of leaving
  • 00:21:40.260 --> 00:21:42.210
  • everything that felt familiar at
  • 00:21:42.210 --> 00:21:44.120
  • home to going into kind of the
  • 00:21:44.120 --> 00:21:46.090
  • unknown with such a broken
  • 00:21:46.090 --> 00:21:48.180
  • marriage and raising children in
  • 00:21:48.180 --> 00:21:51.020
  • that environment.
  • 00:21:51.020 --> 00:21:52.060
  • So, I had to come to God and I
  • 00:21:52.060 --> 00:21:54.040
  • remember hitting my knees one
  • 00:21:54.040 --> 00:21:55.110
  • night, I had tucked two
  • 00:21:55.110 --> 00:21:56.100
  • beautiful little girls in bed, 3
  • 00:21:56.100 --> 00:21:58.120
  • years old, 2 years old, looked
  • 00:21:58.120 --> 00:21:59.270
  • at my very big pregnant stomach.
  • 00:21:59.270 --> 00:22:02.260
  • I was ready to give birth in
  • 00:22:02.260 --> 00:22:03.210
  • about 6 weeks and I thought,
  • 00:22:03.210 --> 00:22:06.050
  • "What have I done?"
  • 00:22:06.050 --> 00:22:07.160
  • And I got on my knees, and got
  • 00:22:07.160 --> 00:22:09.020
  • before God, and I said, "I've
  • 00:22:09.020 --> 00:22:11.010
  • had life without you, and I've
  • 00:22:11.010 --> 00:22:12.140
  • had life without you, and I'm
  • 00:22:12.140 --> 00:22:14.020
  • not going to do this anymore."
  • 00:22:14.020 --> 00:22:15.130
  • And I had to get up from that
  • 00:22:15.130 --> 00:22:16.140
  • place and start rebuilding my
  • 00:22:16.140 --> 00:22:18.020
  • life.
  • 00:22:18.020 --> 00:22:19.090
  • And even though John was living
  • 00:22:19.090 --> 00:22:20.130
  • 350 miles away God was doing a
  • 00:22:20.130 --> 00:22:22.260
  • work in my heart and changing
  • 00:22:22.260 --> 00:22:24.020
  • me, giving me a fresh new
  • 00:22:24.020 --> 00:22:26.190
  • vision, but it took a lot of
  • 00:22:26.190 --> 00:22:27.250
  • work.
  • 00:22:27.250 --> 00:22:28.140
  • It doesn't happen just 'cause
  • 00:22:28.140 --> 00:22:29.150
  • we've seen it.
  • 00:22:29.150 --> 00:22:30.190
  • - Niyah: Well now, my question
  • 00:22:30.190 --> 00:22:31.130
  • is to you, do you have to learn
  • 00:22:31.130 --> 00:22:33.020
  • how to, you know, how to, you
  • 00:22:33.020 --> 00:22:35.240
  • know, navigate a good marriage?
  • 00:22:35.240 --> 00:22:37.290
  • So like, someone who's single
  • 00:22:37.290 --> 00:22:39.000
  • like myself, do we learn how to,
  • 00:22:39.120 --> 00:22:42.120
  • you know, be a wife, or how to,
  • 00:22:42.120 --> 00:22:44.030
  • you know, navigate a marriage or
  • 00:22:44.030 --> 00:22:46.210
  • what have you, or is it more
  • 00:22:46.210 --> 00:22:48.130
  • caught than taught?
  • 00:22:48.130 --> 00:22:49.220
  • So, you know, from our parents
  • 00:22:49.220 --> 00:22:51.000
  • growing up do we catch it?
  • 00:22:51.000 --> 00:22:53.030
  • Are we expected just to know
  • 00:22:53.030 --> 00:22:54.140
  • because we had a healthy family
  • 00:22:54.140 --> 00:22:55.180
  • at home?
  • 00:22:55.180 --> 00:22:56.280
  • Or do we need to be taught?
  • 00:22:56.280 --> 00:22:58.100
  • This is what a marriage is, you
  • 00:22:58.100 --> 00:22:59.080
  • know, like.
  • 00:22:59.080 --> 00:23:00.070
  • This is what you do.
  • 00:23:00.070 --> 00:23:01.010
  • What do you say that?
  • 00:23:01.010 --> 00:23:02.000
  • - Helen: Such a great question.
  • 00:23:02.000 --> 00:23:03.020
  • I think you need both.
  • 00:23:03.020 --> 00:23:05.060
  • I think that you absolutely--I
  • 00:23:05.060 --> 00:23:07.020
  • have learnt love and how to take
  • 00:23:07.020 --> 00:23:09.130
  • care of each other from my
  • 00:23:09.130 --> 00:23:10.190
  • parents but just because I saw
  • 00:23:10.190 --> 00:23:12.070
  • them do it, every marriage is
  • 00:23:12.070 --> 00:23:13.270
  • unique.
  • 00:23:13.270 --> 00:23:14.220
  • And so, John wasn't my dad and I
  • 00:23:14.220 --> 00:23:16.240
  • wasn't my mom.
  • 00:23:16.240 --> 00:23:17.280
  • We had to figure it for each
  • 00:23:17.280 --> 00:23:19.050
  • other.
  • 00:23:19.050 --> 00:23:19.250
  • So, you can have some tools but
  • 00:23:19.250 --> 00:23:21.060
  • you're going to have to use
  • 00:23:21.060 --> 00:23:22.130
  • those tools to work in your
  • 00:23:22.130 --> 00:23:23.230
  • relationship.
  • 00:23:23.230 --> 00:23:25.120
  • So, just because you saw it is
  • 00:23:25.120 --> 00:23:26.220
  • no guarantee.
  • 00:23:26.220 --> 00:23:27.280
  • - John: So, when you were at
  • 00:23:27.280 --> 00:23:28.240
  • the bottom what was the things
  • 00:23:28.240 --> 00:23:30.170
  • that actually because of your
  • 00:23:30.170 --> 00:23:32.160
  • parents, or what you grew up
  • 00:23:32.160 --> 00:23:34.090
  • with, that reciprocated, or the
  • 00:23:34.090 --> 00:23:36.140
  • vision that came up inside of
  • 00:23:36.140 --> 00:23:38.250
  • you that knew, "This isn't me.
  • 00:23:38.250 --> 00:23:41.140
  • I can't stay here."
  • 00:23:41.140 --> 00:23:43.150
  • You'd seen something that you
  • 00:23:43.150 --> 00:23:45.000
  • can't unsee.
  • 00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:46.010
  • - Helen: Well, I do remember
  • 00:23:46.010 --> 00:23:46.270
  • saying, "What would my mom do if
  • 00:23:46.270 --> 00:23:48.220
  • she was here?"
  • 00:23:48.220 --> 00:23:50.130
  • Because I hadn't told anybody.
  • 00:23:50.130 --> 00:23:52.030
  • I was just so disappointed in me
  • 00:23:52.030 --> 00:23:54.030
  • and so disappointed in John that
  • 00:23:54.030 --> 00:23:56.090
  • I had pulled away from everybody
  • 00:23:56.090 --> 00:23:58.110
  • but in that moment of
  • 00:23:58.110 --> 00:23:59.170
  • desperation I did think, "What
  • 00:23:59.170 --> 00:24:01.040
  • would my mom do?"
  • 00:24:01.040 --> 00:24:02.000
  • And I knew she'd get up and
  • 00:24:02.000 --> 00:24:03.000
  • fight but she wouldn't just
  • 00:24:03.000 --> 00:24:04.120
  • fight in her own strength.
  • 00:24:04.120 --> 00:24:05.230
  • She would fight the good fight
  • 00:24:05.230 --> 00:24:06.270
  • of faith.
  • 00:24:06.270 --> 00:24:07.250
  • She would turn to God and let
  • 00:24:07.250 --> 00:24:09.080
  • God rebuild her marriage.
  • 00:24:09.080 --> 00:24:10.190
  • I saw her do it actually.
  • 00:24:10.190 --> 00:24:11.280
  • I saw my mom do that herself.
  • 00:24:11.280 --> 00:24:14.040
  • And it was in that place, yeah,
  • 00:24:14.040 --> 00:24:15.140
  • that I thought, I needed to do
  • 00:24:15.140 --> 00:24:17.140
  • it with God, but my mom had
  • 00:24:17.140 --> 00:24:18.240
  • given me a gorgeous display of
  • 00:24:18.240 --> 00:24:20.110
  • faith.
  • 00:24:20.110 --> 00:24:21.140
  • And I think that that's true in
  • 00:24:21.140 --> 00:24:22.180
  • my marriage also with our
  • 00:24:22.180 --> 00:24:23.260
  • children.
  • 00:24:23.260 --> 00:24:24.270
  • As they've navigated their
  • 00:24:24.270 --> 00:24:25.270
  • relationship I think they've
  • 00:24:25.270 --> 00:24:27.100
  • learnt great tools from John and
  • 00:24:27.100 --> 00:24:28.280
  • I but the bottom line is every
  • 00:24:28.280 --> 00:24:30.120
  • one of them have had to do the
  • 00:24:30.120 --> 00:24:32.030
  • work for themselves.
  • 00:24:32.030 --> 00:24:33.120
  • - John: Yeah, I think that we
  • 00:24:33.120 --> 00:24:36.010
  • can have the vision but we still
  • 00:24:36.010 --> 00:24:37.110
  • have to do the work but once
  • 00:24:37.110 --> 00:24:39.020
  • we've done the work, now look at
  • 00:24:39.020 --> 00:24:41.000
  • that other side of it.
  • 00:24:41.000 --> 00:24:42.010
  • There are thousands that have
  • 00:24:42.010 --> 00:24:43.120
  • got a vision from what we did
  • 00:24:43.120 --> 00:24:46.030
  • doing the work.
  • 00:24:46.030 --> 00:24:47.080
  • So, the answer is, does what
  • 00:24:47.080 --> 00:24:50.010
  • your parents did for you does
  • 00:24:50.010 --> 00:24:52.000
  • that reciprocate?
  • 00:24:52.000 --> 00:24:53.140
  • Yes, it does, but it doesn't
  • 00:24:53.140 --> 00:24:55.040
  • excuse you from doing the work
  • 00:24:55.040 --> 00:24:58.010
  • and it doesn't limit you if you
  • 00:24:58.010 --> 00:24:59.160
  • haven't seen it.
  • 00:24:59.160 --> 00:25:00.200
  • You can go and find it, and you
  • 00:25:00.200 --> 00:25:02.010
  • still have to do the work.
  • 00:25:02.010 --> 00:25:03.080
  • - Niyah: Now, you're saying the
  • 00:25:03.080 --> 00:25:04.020
  • vision, how do you get the
  • 00:25:04.020 --> 00:25:05.030
  • vision?
  • 00:25:05.030 --> 00:25:05.200
  • If you're someone who didn't
  • 00:25:05.200 --> 00:25:06.120
  • have a healthy model at home but
  • 00:25:06.120 --> 00:25:08.180
  • you desire to get married, but
  • 00:25:08.180 --> 00:25:10.230
  • you just don't know, I just want
  • 00:25:10.230 --> 00:25:12.010
  • a great marriage, the ones that
  • 00:25:12.010 --> 00:25:13.080
  • look the ones they have on TV
  • 00:25:13.080 --> 00:25:14.270
  • and, you know, the movies.
  • 00:25:14.270 --> 00:25:16.050
  • But how do you get, how do you
  • 00:25:16.050 --> 00:25:18.150
  • learn to know what that looks
  • 00:25:18.150 --> 00:25:19.280
  • like, and to keep it healthy,
  • 00:25:19.280 --> 00:25:21.080
  • and long lasting.
  • 00:25:21.080 --> 00:25:22.150
  • - John: I think you have to
  • 00:25:22.150 --> 00:25:23.080
  • hang around people that do have
  • 00:25:23.080 --> 00:25:24.180
  • that and I think there's
  • 00:25:24.180 --> 00:25:26.100
  • something inside of you that is
  • 00:25:26.100 --> 00:25:28.150
  • drawn to it.
  • 00:25:28.150 --> 00:25:29.230
  • It's almost like there's
  • 00:25:29.230 --> 00:25:30.240
  • something that resonates on the
  • 00:25:30.240 --> 00:25:32.040
  • inside of you when you get
  • 00:25:32.040 --> 00:25:33.250
  • around what you want, something
  • 00:25:33.250 --> 00:25:35.030
  • comes alive.
  • 00:25:35.030 --> 00:25:36.160
  • And you need to be sensitive to
  • 00:25:36.160 --> 00:25:37.230
  • that.
  • 00:25:37.230 --> 00:25:38.210
  • Listen to your heart and
  • 00:25:38.210 --> 00:25:40.120
  • recognize that there's no
  • 00:25:40.120 --> 00:25:42.100
  • replacement for vision.
  • 00:25:42.100 --> 00:25:43.260
  • You need to build that vision on
  • 00:25:43.260 --> 00:25:45.280
  • the inside of you of what you
  • 00:25:45.280 --> 00:25:47.020
  • want.
  • 00:25:47.020 --> 00:25:47.270
  • And the more you hang around
  • 00:25:47.270 --> 00:25:48.270
  • those people the clearer that
  • 00:25:48.270 --> 00:25:50.060
  • vision gets but like Helen
  • 00:25:50.060 --> 00:25:51.120
  • said--
  • 00:25:51.120 --> 00:25:52.090
  • - Niyah: So, this vision you're
  • 00:25:52.090 --> 00:25:53.020
  • saying what you want meaning get
  • 00:25:53.020 --> 00:25:54.290
  • a vision of what you want in a
  • 00:25:54.290 --> 00:25:55.280
  • marriage, in a husband, or in a
  • 00:25:55.280 --> 00:25:58.080
  • wife.
  • 00:25:58.080 --> 00:25:59.130
  • Okay, awesome, awesome, loving
  • 00:25:59.130 --> 00:26:00.180
  • this.
  • 00:26:00.180 --> 00:26:01.120
  • - John: Yeah, but it doesn't
  • 00:26:01.120 --> 00:26:02.070
  • excuse you from, you still have
  • 00:26:02.070 --> 00:26:03.080
  • to do the work.
  • 00:26:03.080 --> 00:26:04.140
  • - Niyah: What work?
  • 00:26:04.140 --> 00:26:05.210
  • What work?
  • 00:26:05.210 --> 00:26:06.220
  • What does that mean?
  • 00:26:06.220 --> 00:26:07.230
  • - John: What work, Helen?
  • 00:26:07.230 --> 00:26:08.220
  • - Helen: Well, I think a lot of
  • 00:26:08.220 --> 00:26:10.000
  • the work is, I think it's
  • 00:26:10.000 --> 00:26:10.290
  • important like, for someone like
  • 00:26:10.290 --> 00:26:12.150
  • you, you're a single woman, a
  • 00:26:12.150 --> 00:26:13.120
  • gorgeous single woman, and doing
  • 00:26:13.120 --> 00:26:15.270
  • the work at this season of your
  • 00:26:15.270 --> 00:26:17.120
  • life is the most critical work,
  • 00:26:17.120 --> 00:26:19.120
  • of not just a rule, "I want him
  • 00:26:19.120 --> 00:26:20.180
  • to be this tall.
  • 00:26:20.180 --> 00:26:21.200
  • I want him to make this much
  • 00:26:21.200 --> 00:26:22.260
  • money," but, "What are the
  • 00:26:22.260 --> 00:26:24.070
  • non-negotiables in my life?"
  • 00:26:24.070 --> 00:26:25.240
  • But before we can have that
  • 00:26:25.240 --> 00:26:27.220
  • expectation on another person, a
  • 00:26:27.220 --> 00:26:29.270
  • man in your case, you would say,
  • 00:26:29.270 --> 00:26:32.250
  • "What can I bring to the
  • 00:26:32.250 --> 00:26:34.050
  • marriage?
  • 00:26:34.050 --> 00:26:35.050
  • What can I do to grow and
  • 00:26:35.050 --> 00:26:36.020
  • develop?
  • 00:26:36.020 --> 00:26:36.280
  • What is my dream?
  • 00:26:36.280 --> 00:26:37.200
  • I want to love this way and be
  • 00:26:37.200 --> 00:26:39.100
  • loved this way.
  • 00:26:39.100 --> 00:26:40.120
  • I, you know, what are important
  • 00:26:40.120 --> 00:26:42.050
  • things to me?"
  • 00:26:42.050 --> 00:26:43.120
  • And I think that when you build
  • 00:26:43.120 --> 00:26:44.180
  • that vision on the inside of you
  • 00:26:44.180 --> 00:26:46.080
  • because your marriage, whoever
  • 00:26:46.080 --> 00:26:47.090
  • you marry, it's not going to be
  • 00:26:47.090 --> 00:26:48.130
  • like anybody else's, and I think
  • 00:26:48.130 --> 00:26:49.280
  • sometimes we want a marriage
  • 00:26:49.280 --> 00:26:51.020
  • just like that.
  • 00:26:51.020 --> 00:26:52.010
  • Don't want a marriage just like
  • 00:26:52.010 --> 00:26:53.050
  • anybody else's, let God form
  • 00:26:53.050 --> 00:26:55.180
  • that on the inside of you and
  • 00:26:55.180 --> 00:26:56.250
  • then let it develop into what it
  • 00:26:56.250 --> 00:26:58.200
  • is because ours isn't like
  • 00:26:58.200 --> 00:26:59.270
  • anyone else.
  • 00:26:59.270 --> 00:27:01.050
  • We never knew our marriage would
  • 00:27:01.050 --> 00:27:01.290
  • look like this.
  • 00:27:01.290 --> 00:27:03.000
  • We've evolved into this but it's
  • 00:27:03.000 --> 00:27:04.290
  • because we've discovered who
  • 00:27:04.290 --> 00:27:06.040
  • each other is but there were
  • 00:27:06.040 --> 00:27:07.240
  • absolutely some keys we built
  • 00:27:07.240 --> 00:27:09.130
  • with.
  • 00:27:09.130 --> 00:27:10.070
  • - John: I think that the work
  • 00:27:10.070 --> 00:27:11.060
  • starts with yourself.
  • 00:27:11.060 --> 00:27:12.150
  • You've got to--
  • 00:27:12.150 --> 00:27:14.130
  • - Niyah: So, don't just lay
  • 00:27:14.130 --> 00:27:15.050
  • around and wait, you know, until
  • 00:27:15.050 --> 00:27:16.250
  • he drops in but do some work
  • 00:27:16.250 --> 00:27:18.000
  • too.
  • 00:27:18.000 --> 00:27:18.230
  • - John: You've got to see what
  • 00:27:18.230 --> 00:27:19.200
  • you want in the future and then
  • 00:27:19.200 --> 00:27:21.050
  • work on you to become that part
  • 00:27:21.050 --> 00:27:23.260
  • of what you want and you'll
  • 00:27:23.260 --> 00:27:25.020
  • attract that guy into your world
  • 00:27:25.020 --> 00:27:27.220
  • but it is really a
  • 00:27:27.220 --> 00:27:29.050
  • responsibility.
  • 00:27:29.050 --> 00:27:30.160
  • See it and then you've got to do
  • 00:27:30.160 --> 00:27:31.220
  • the work to become that.
  • 00:27:31.220 --> 00:27:33.050
  • - Niyah: Ooh, I love this.
  • 00:27:33.050 --> 00:27:34.190
  • I love this.
  • 00:27:34.190 --> 00:27:35.130
  • You guys are awesome, so much
  • 00:27:35.130 --> 00:27:36.200
  • godly wisdom.
  • 00:27:36.200 --> 00:27:37.210
  • Well, after the break we enter
  • 00:27:37.210 --> 00:27:39.000
  • into the world of social media
  • 00:27:39.000 --> 00:27:41.140
  • and begin discussing what's
  • 00:27:41.140 --> 00:27:42.190
  • trending online.
  • 00:27:42.190 --> 00:27:44.150
  • So, you're not going to want to
  • 00:27:44.150 --> 00:27:45.120
  • - Niyah: Welcome back to this
  • 00:27:57.060 --> 00:27:58.010
  • show.
  • 00:27:58.010 --> 00:27:58.230
  • Now, this is a very interesting
  • 00:27:58.230 --> 00:27:59.190
  • segment because we can't deny
  • 00:27:59.190 --> 00:28:01.160
  • the impact of social media on
  • 00:28:01.160 --> 00:28:03.000
  • our lives.
  • 00:28:03.000 --> 00:28:03.290
  • Let's see how we can decipher
  • 00:28:03.290 --> 00:28:05.090
  • the matrix conversations on the
  • 00:28:05.090 --> 00:28:06.240
  • social media scene.
  • 00:28:06.240 --> 00:28:08.230
  • Let's check it.
  • 00:28:08.230 --> 00:28:10.260
  • "Oops, she sent me a
  • 00:28:10.260 --> 00:28:12.060
  • semi-naked," oh my goodness,
  • 00:28:12.100 --> 00:28:15.100
  • "Semi-naked image of herself on
  • 00:28:15.100 --> 00:28:17.080
  • my iPhone."
  • 00:28:17.080 --> 00:28:19.080
  • - John: It's sad but that is
  • 00:28:19.080 --> 00:28:20.230
  • not that unusual these days, is
  • 00:28:20.230 --> 00:28:22.170
  • it?
  • 00:28:22.170 --> 00:28:23.140
  • Especially among the younger
  • 00:28:23.140 --> 00:28:24.160
  • generation, the millennials.
  • 00:28:24.160 --> 00:28:27.000
  • - Niyah: Well, what do you do?
  • 00:28:27.000 --> 00:28:27.260
  • I mean, I'm embarrassed for her.
  • 00:28:27.260 --> 00:28:29.250
  • I'm like, "Oh dear girl, please
  • 00:28:29.250 --> 00:28:31.070
  • don't do that."
  • 00:28:31.070 --> 00:28:32.160
  • - Helen: Yeah, well, I think
  • 00:28:32.160 --> 00:28:33.150
  • that there is this kind of like,
  • 00:28:33.290 --> 00:28:36.290
  • their eyes are blinded in some
  • 00:28:36.290 --> 00:28:38.100
  • ways to really understand what
  • 00:28:38.100 --> 00:28:40.030
  • they're doing.
  • 00:28:40.030 --> 00:28:40.260
  • I think it's become so normal in
  • 00:28:40.260 --> 00:28:42.290
  • this selfie world that it's
  • 00:28:42.290 --> 00:28:44.170
  • like, "Well, it's just a picture
  • 00:28:44.170 --> 00:28:45.200
  • and he won't show it to anybody
  • 00:28:45.200 --> 00:28:46.250
  • else.
  • 00:28:46.250 --> 00:28:47.170
  • And it's okay, it's not like
  • 00:28:47.170 --> 00:28:48.150
  • we're having sex or anything.
  • 00:28:48.150 --> 00:28:50.020
  • I just showed him a picture of
  • 00:28:50.020 --> 00:28:51.120
  • my breasts."
  • 00:28:51.120 --> 00:28:52.190
  • And suddenly, it takes a whole
  • 00:28:52.190 --> 00:28:54.280
  • different life.
  • 00:28:54.280 --> 00:28:55.210
  • First of all, that isn't
  • 00:28:55.210 --> 00:28:56.220
  • appropriate behavior.
  • 00:28:56.220 --> 00:28:58.030
  • You need to think more of
  • 00:28:58.030 --> 00:28:59.130
  • yourself than to do something
  • 00:28:59.130 --> 00:29:00.170
  • like that.
  • 00:29:00.170 --> 00:29:01.100
  • I wouldn't even do it as a
  • 00:29:01.100 --> 00:29:02.050
  • married woman.
  • 00:29:02.050 --> 00:29:02.280
  • I'm just thinking, I don't know
  • 00:29:02.280 --> 00:29:03.250
  • who will get that iPhone, it'd
  • 00:29:03.250 --> 00:29:04.260
  • be a dumb idea.
  • 00:29:04.260 --> 00:29:05.250
  • But I think that there is a bit
  • 00:29:05.250 --> 00:29:08.060
  • of a naivety and a deception
  • 00:29:08.060 --> 00:29:10.090
  • with young people today, and not
  • 00:29:10.090 --> 00:29:12.010
  • just young people, we know of
  • 00:29:12.010 --> 00:29:13.110
  • governors doing it.
  • 00:29:13.110 --> 00:29:14.240
  • - Niyah: Yeah, not just young
  • 00:29:14.240 --> 00:29:16.000
  • people, but to, you know, what
  • 00:29:16.000 --> 00:29:17.160
  • would you say to women?
  • 00:29:17.160 --> 00:29:18.130
  • If you could say that one thing
  • 00:29:18.130 --> 00:29:19.190
  • to women who might, you know,
  • 00:29:19.190 --> 00:29:21.020
  • "Well, I want him to, you know,
  • 00:29:21.020 --> 00:29:22.060
  • desire me?
  • 00:29:22.060 --> 00:29:23.050
  • You know what I'm saying?
  • 00:29:23.050 --> 00:29:23.280
  • So, I'm going to show him a
  • 00:29:23.280 --> 00:29:25.150
  • little bit more leg than normal
  • 00:29:25.150 --> 00:29:26.260
  • and he's going to, you know,
  • 00:29:26.260 --> 00:29:27.190
  • chase after me more?"
  • 00:29:27.190 --> 00:29:28.150
  • What would you say to kind of
  • 00:29:28.150 --> 00:29:30.010
  • squash that whole?
  • 00:29:30.010 --> 00:29:31.230
  • - John: Years ago, I was
  • 00:29:31.230 --> 00:29:32.260
  • speaking at a teenage outside
  • 00:29:33.150 --> 00:29:36.150
  • festival.
  • 00:29:36.150 --> 00:29:37.060
  • There was thousands and
  • 00:29:37.060 --> 00:29:37.280
  • thousands of them there, and I
  • 00:29:37.280 --> 00:29:40.030
  • was just noticing the dress of
  • 00:29:40.070 --> 00:29:43.070
  • the girls, and I know you want
  • 00:29:43.070 --> 00:29:46.010
  • him to see you.
  • 00:29:46.010 --> 00:29:47.110
  • It's actually part of the
  • 00:29:47.110 --> 00:29:48.250
  • hormone structure of a girl.
  • 00:29:48.250 --> 00:29:50.180
  • Estrogen is the thing that, you
  • 00:29:50.180 --> 00:29:52.150
  • know, "I want him to notice me."
  • 00:29:52.150 --> 00:29:54.280
  • It makes a big difference.
  • 00:29:54.280 --> 00:29:56.130
  • And so, I said, "I know you want
  • 00:29:56.130 --> 00:29:58.080
  • that, honey, but he hasn't seen
  • 00:29:58.080 --> 00:30:00.050
  • your face yet."
  • 00:30:00.050 --> 00:30:02.160
  • - Niyah; Come on, come on.
  • 00:30:02.160 --> 00:30:03.280
  • - John: Really, if that's all
  • 00:30:03.280 --> 00:30:04.240
  • he's looking at, that's, and
  • 00:30:04.240 --> 00:30:06.180
  • actually the way that men are
  • 00:30:06.180 --> 00:30:08.170
  • wired is we will see that.
  • 00:30:08.170 --> 00:30:10.240
  • You know, the Coca Cola, the
  • 00:30:10.240 --> 00:30:12.150
  • bottle, the original bottle,
  • 00:30:12.150 --> 00:30:14.020
  • there was a reason it was shaped
  • 00:30:14.020 --> 00:30:15.040
  • like that.
  • 00:30:15.040 --> 00:30:16.030
  • - Niyah: But what do you say to
  • 00:30:16.030 --> 00:30:16.270
  • men who get the text?
  • 00:30:16.270 --> 00:30:17.270
  • So, the man just got the text
  • 00:30:17.270 --> 00:30:19.050
  • and he's like, "Whoa, okay,
  • 00:30:19.050 --> 00:30:20.210
  • should I look?
  • 00:30:20.210 --> 00:30:22.030
  • Should I delete?"
  • 00:30:22.030 --> 00:30:23.100
  • What do you say to them?
  • 00:30:23.100 --> 00:30:25.030
  • - John: Actually guys, you need
  • 00:30:25.030 --> 00:30:27.270
  • to understand yourself and know,
  • 00:30:27.270 --> 00:30:29.040
  • you know, enough to know that
  • 00:30:29.040 --> 00:30:30.140
  • looking at that is not going to
  • 00:30:30.140 --> 00:30:32.230
  • get you what you want.
  • 00:30:32.230 --> 00:30:34.010
  • And girls need to understand
  • 00:30:34.010 --> 00:30:35.070
  • that showing him is not going to
  • 00:30:35.070 --> 00:30:37.120
  • get you what you want because
  • 00:30:37.120 --> 00:30:39.040
  • he's, he wants to actually
  • 00:30:39.040 --> 00:30:41.020
  • pursue that woman that he thinks
  • 00:30:43.000 --> 00:30:46.000
  • is worth the pursuit.
  • 00:30:46.000 --> 00:30:47.250
  • And actually, the pursuit is
  • 00:30:47.250 --> 00:30:50.040
  • what's going to bond him to that
  • 00:30:50.040 --> 00:30:52.010
  • woman not her being easy.
  • 00:30:52.010 --> 00:30:54.250
  • - Niyah: So, he needs to just
  • 00:30:54.250 --> 00:30:55.200
  • shut it done.
  • 00:30:55.200 --> 00:30:56.140
  • So, as soon as he sees it just
  • 00:30:56.140 --> 00:30:57.130
  • shut it down.
  • 00:30:57.130 --> 00:30:58.060
  • Does he say something to her?
  • 00:30:58.060 --> 00:30:59.060
  • - John: I would, you know, let
  • 00:30:59.060 --> 00:31:00.170
  • her know that I don't appreciate
  • 00:31:00.170 --> 00:31:01.250
  • that.
  • 00:31:01.250 --> 00:31:02.270
  • - Niyah: Whoa.
  • 00:31:02.270 --> 00:31:03.190
  • - John: I don't know I just
  • 00:31:03.190 --> 00:31:04.100
  • think it's negative.
  • 00:31:04.100 --> 00:31:05.200
  • It's negative in our world today
  • 00:31:05.200 --> 00:31:08.010
  • and both sides need to know it's
  • 00:31:08.010 --> 00:31:09.080
  • not going to get them what they
  • 00:31:09.080 --> 00:31:10.120
  • want.
  • 00:31:10.120 --> 00:31:11.100
  • - Niyah: Come on, preach
  • 00:31:11.100 --> 00:31:11.290
  • pastor, come on.
  • 00:31:11.290 --> 00:31:12.240
  • Let's see what's next.
  • 00:31:12.240 --> 00:31:14.090
  • "You know you're a single dude
  • 00:31:14.090 --> 00:31:16.170
  • when your remotes have their own
  • 00:31:16.170 --> 00:31:18.030
  • side of the bed."
  • 00:31:18.030 --> 00:31:20.170
  • Okay, I look at that, I read
  • 00:31:20.170 --> 00:31:21.130
  • that, I'm like, dude, what are
  • 00:31:21.130 --> 00:31:22.140
  • you complaining about?
  • 00:31:22.140 --> 00:31:23.130
  • You're single because you choose
  • 00:31:23.130 --> 00:31:24.120
  • to be single.
  • 00:31:24.120 --> 00:31:25.050
  • So, if your remotes are on the
  • 00:31:25.050 --> 00:31:26.070
  • other side of the bed, go out
  • 00:31:26.070 --> 00:31:27.150
  • and find a good thing.
  • 00:31:27.150 --> 00:31:29.140
  • A man who finds a wife finds a
  • 00:31:29.140 --> 00:31:30.110
  • good thing, right?
  • 00:31:30.110 --> 00:31:31.050
  • So, you better get out there,
  • 00:31:31.050 --> 00:31:33.060
  • you know what I'm saying?
  • 00:31:33.060 --> 00:31:34.060
  • So, what's your take on this?
  • 00:31:34.060 --> 00:31:35.160
  • - Helen: That sounds about
  • 00:31:35.160 --> 00:31:36.240
  • right.
  • 00:31:36.240 --> 00:31:37.170
  • That sounds about right.
  • 00:31:37.170 --> 00:31:38.120
  • It sounds like a guy who is not
  • 00:31:38.120 --> 00:31:40.040
  • motivated.
  • 00:31:40.040 --> 00:31:41.120
  • He's laying in bed watching
  • 00:31:41.120 --> 00:31:42.250
  • Netflix or a sporting channel.
  • 00:31:42.250 --> 00:31:45.040
  • Just go there, go there.
  • 00:31:45.040 --> 00:31:46.130
  • Watching a sporting channel and
  • 00:31:46.130 --> 00:31:48.120
  • doesn't have the motivation to
  • 00:31:48.120 --> 00:31:49.290
  • go out there and--
  • 00:31:49.290 --> 00:31:52.150
  • - John: Or watching something
  • 00:31:52.150 --> 00:31:53.180
  • he really shouldn't be watching
  • 00:31:53.180 --> 00:31:55.180
  • because they're out there,
  • 00:31:55.180 --> 00:31:57.230
  • they're out there.
  • 00:31:57.230 --> 00:31:58.230
  • - Niyah: Now, would you say
  • 00:31:58.230 --> 00:31:59.160
  • this, because women, you know,
  • 00:31:59.160 --> 00:32:00.200
  • we're taught, especially as a
  • 00:32:00.200 --> 00:32:01.210
  • Christian woman, we're just to
  • 00:32:01.210 --> 00:32:02.290
  • sit back, you know, look pretty,
  • 00:32:02.290 --> 00:32:04.110
  • read our Word, you know, and
  • 00:32:04.110 --> 00:32:05.140
  • then he'll come and find us.
  • 00:32:05.140 --> 00:32:06.180
  • So, a lot of us women are
  • 00:32:06.180 --> 00:32:08.060
  • thinking, you know, like, well,
  • 00:32:08.060 --> 00:32:09.280
  • we're waiting to be, you know,
  • 00:32:09.280 --> 00:32:11.170
  • pursued and sought after, you
  • 00:32:11.170 --> 00:32:13.030
  • know what I'm saying?
  • 00:32:13.030 --> 00:32:14.000
  • So, we're not single necessarily
  • 00:32:14.000 --> 00:32:14.240
  • by choice but a guy, if you're
  • 00:32:14.240 --> 00:32:16.220
  • single, you're single by choice.
  • 00:32:16.220 --> 00:32:17.240
  • You need to get out there, you
  • 00:32:17.240 --> 00:32:18.270
  • know what I'm saying?
  • 00:32:18.270 --> 00:32:19.200
  • Would you say that?
  • 00:32:19.200 --> 00:32:20.150
  • - John: Oh yeah.
  • 00:32:20.150 --> 00:32:21.070
  • - Helen: Can I say this?
  • 00:32:21.070 --> 00:32:22.040
  • I answered this question.
  • 00:32:22.040 --> 00:32:22.270
  • What is the most asked question
  • 00:32:22.270 --> 00:32:24.290
  • we get globally?
  • 00:32:24.290 --> 00:32:26.170
  • All the women asking.
  • 00:32:26.170 --> 00:32:28.040
  • - John: Where are all the good
  • 00:32:28.040 --> 00:32:29.020
  • men?
  • 00:32:29.020 --> 00:32:29.260
  • - Niyah: They're at home
  • 00:32:29.260 --> 00:32:31.110
  • obviously with their remote
  • 00:32:31.110 --> 00:32:32.120
  • control.
  • 00:32:32.120 --> 00:32:33.100
  • - Helen: What's the deal, no, I
  • 00:32:33.100 --> 00:32:34.120
  • don't believe that, but--
  • 00:32:34.120 --> 00:32:35.060
  • - John: I think we've got a
  • 00:32:35.060 --> 00:32:36.010
  • major problem in our world today
  • 00:32:36.010 --> 00:32:37.230
  • and there is no easy answer but
  • 00:32:37.230 --> 00:32:39.160
  • I often say the answer is
  • 00:32:39.160 --> 00:32:41.260
  • mothers.
  • 00:32:41.260 --> 00:32:43.050
  • You know, there's really great
  • 00:32:43.050 --> 00:32:44.030
  • men but a lot of them are still
  • 00:32:44.030 --> 00:32:46.130
  • in seed form.
  • 00:32:46.130 --> 00:32:47.100
  • They're called boys, and they
  • 00:32:47.100 --> 00:32:49.000
  • need to be raised up to be men,
  • 00:32:49.000 --> 00:32:50.140
  • and that's a boy.
  • 00:32:50.140 --> 00:32:51.100
  • - Niyah: Well, what's the
  • 00:32:51.100 --> 00:32:51.270
  • problem?
  • 00:32:51.270 --> 00:32:52.150
  • - John: That's a boy.
  • 00:32:52.150 --> 00:32:53.130
  • He hasn't actually taken
  • 00:32:53.130 --> 00:32:55.000
  • responsibility.
  • 00:32:55.000 --> 00:32:55.240
  • He's a man and if you're
  • 00:32:55.240 --> 00:32:56.220
  • responsible you go and find the
  • 00:32:56.220 --> 00:32:58.150
  • woman.
  • 00:32:58.150 --> 00:32:59.060
  • - Niyah: There we go but
  • 00:32:59.060 --> 00:32:59.290
  • where's the disconnect?
  • 00:32:59.290 --> 00:33:00.240
  • You're saying that they're still
  • 00:33:00.240 --> 00:33:01.190
  • boys.
  • 00:33:01.190 --> 00:33:02.080
  • Why aren't they being raised up
  • 00:33:02.080 --> 00:33:03.050
  • to be men?
  • 00:33:03.050 --> 00:33:03.250
  • Where are we going wrong here?
  • 00:33:03.250 --> 00:33:04.230
  • - John: There's been an aim
  • 00:33:04.230 --> 00:33:05.280
  • that the enemies aim is on the
  • 00:33:05.280 --> 00:33:08.240
  • family, and within the family
  • 00:33:08.240 --> 00:33:10.220
  • his aim is on the man, and we
  • 00:33:10.220 --> 00:33:13.200
  • need to show those boys, and
  • 00:33:13.200 --> 00:33:15.170
  • anyway.
  • 00:33:15.170 --> 00:33:16.160
  • - Helen: So much of what we see
  • 00:33:16.160 --> 00:33:17.220
  • today in reality is a very
  • 00:33:17.220 --> 00:33:18.270
  • fatherless society.
  • 00:33:18.270 --> 00:33:21.100
  • There is an absenteeism with
  • 00:33:21.100 --> 00:33:22.150
  • fathers.
  • 00:33:22.150 --> 00:33:24.070
  • There's many, many amazing men
  • 00:33:24.070 --> 00:33:26.170
  • but I do think that there is a
  • 00:33:26.170 --> 00:33:27.260
  • huge vacuum in the role of
  • 00:33:27.260 --> 00:33:29.180
  • fathers.
  • 00:33:29.180 --> 00:33:30.120
  • So, we need to see these men
  • 00:33:30.120 --> 00:33:31.270
  • rise up, know who they are, and
  • 00:33:31.270 --> 00:33:33.110
  • not be afraid to engage the
  • 00:33:33.110 --> 00:33:34.110
  • world, and take it on.
  • 00:33:34.110 --> 00:33:37.060
  • - Niyah: I agree with that,
  • 00:33:37.060 --> 00:33:38.150
  • man.
  • 00:33:38.150 --> 00:33:39.120
  • Now, after the break, we welcome
  • 00:33:39.120 --> 00:33:40.090
  • in our studio audience who has
  • 00:33:40.090 --> 00:33:42.090
  • some great questions for John
  • 00:33:42.090 --> 00:33:44.030
  • and Helen.
  • 00:33:44.030 --> 00:33:45.000
  • You're not going to want to go
  • 00:33:45.000 --> 00:33:45.270
  • - Niyah: Well, welcome back to
  • 00:33:57.100 --> 00:33:58.130
  • the show and welcome to our
  • 00:33:58.130 --> 00:33:59.160
  • studio audience, who have some
  • 00:33:59.160 --> 00:34:01.100
  • great questions ready for John
  • 00:34:01.100 --> 00:34:03.110
  • and Helen on the topics of sex,
  • 00:34:03.110 --> 00:34:05.050
  • love, and relationships.
  • 00:34:05.050 --> 00:34:07.050
  • John and Helen, welcome.
  • 00:34:07.050 --> 00:34:08.220
  • - Helen: Great to be with you.
  • 00:34:08.220 --> 00:34:09.280
  • - Niyah: You guys are ready?
  • 00:34:09.280 --> 00:34:11.010
  • Our studio audience is ready.
  • 00:34:11.010 --> 00:34:12.270
  • They've got some good ones.
  • 00:34:12.270 --> 00:34:14.060
  • - John: Helen's ready, she has
  • 00:34:14.060 --> 00:34:15.070
  • the answers.
  • 00:34:15.070 --> 00:34:16.000
  • - Niyah: Come on.
  • 00:34:16.000 --> 00:34:16.250
  • Our first question today.
  • 00:34:16.250 --> 00:34:19.000
  • - male: In a marriage, how do
  • 00:34:19.000 --> 00:34:20.060
  • you best bring up financial
  • 00:34:20.060 --> 00:34:21.240
  • struggles and that discussion
  • 00:34:21.240 --> 00:34:23.020
  • about budgeting, debt,
  • 00:34:23.020 --> 00:34:25.190
  • overspending, things like that?
  • 00:34:25.190 --> 00:34:27.190
  • - Helen: Well, that is a loaded
  • 00:34:27.190 --> 00:34:30.040
  • question.
  • 00:34:30.040 --> 00:34:31.100
  • We sure walked through this.
  • 00:34:31.100 --> 00:34:32.260
  • - John: Yeah, I think financial
  • 00:34:32.260 --> 00:34:34.040
  • pressures one of the worst
  • 00:34:34.040 --> 00:34:35.110
  • pressure there is and, 'cause
  • 00:34:35.240 --> 00:34:38.240
  • typically everybody feels like
  • 00:34:38.240 --> 00:34:41.150
  • I'm the problem.
  • 00:34:41.150 --> 00:34:43.020
  • It's, you know, I'm to blame,
  • 00:34:43.020 --> 00:34:44.140
  • and as soon as you bring it up
  • 00:34:44.140 --> 00:34:45.150
  • it's like you're pointing a
  • 00:34:45.150 --> 00:34:46.140
  • finger at me, you're accusing
  • 00:34:46.140 --> 00:34:47.230
  • me.
  • 00:34:47.230 --> 00:34:48.240
  • And somehow, you know, we often
  • 00:34:48.240 --> 00:34:51.150
  • talk about having a tough
  • 00:34:51.150 --> 00:34:52.290
  • conversation and how to do it,
  • 00:34:52.290 --> 00:34:55.140
  • somehow you've got to walk
  • 00:34:55.140 --> 00:34:56.190
  • around the boxing ring instead
  • 00:34:56.190 --> 00:34:58.100
  • of against each other, you've
  • 00:34:58.100 --> 00:35:00.160
  • got to walk around then put your
  • 00:35:00.160 --> 00:35:01.240
  • arm around your spouse and
  • 00:35:01.240 --> 00:35:04.110
  • identify what the issue is.
  • 00:35:04.110 --> 00:35:07.010
  • And then the two of you come up
  • 00:35:07.010 --> 00:35:07.280
  • with an answer to it.
  • 00:35:07.280 --> 00:35:09.130
  • So, I think the way to do that
  • 00:35:09.130 --> 00:35:10.240
  • is to start off, "Listen honey,
  • 00:35:10.240 --> 00:35:12.200
  • we're going to talk about
  • 00:35:12.200 --> 00:35:13.170
  • something that's really touchy
  • 00:35:13.170 --> 00:35:14.200
  • and I want you to know ahead of
  • 00:35:14.200 --> 00:35:16.080
  • time I am not pointing a finger.
  • 00:35:16.080 --> 00:35:18.010
  • It's not your problem, my
  • 00:35:18.010 --> 00:35:19.170
  • problem, but together I believe
  • 00:35:19.170 --> 00:35:21.120
  • we can really," so set it up
  • 00:35:21.120 --> 00:35:23.220
  • ahead of time so that you're not
  • 00:35:23.220 --> 00:35:25.240
  • feeling like you're against each
  • 00:35:25.240 --> 00:35:27.020
  • other because wow, the walls
  • 00:35:27.020 --> 00:35:28.140
  • come up high, and we know that
  • 00:35:28.140 --> 00:35:29.210
  • personally.
  • 00:35:29.210 --> 00:35:30.240
  • - Helen: Yeah, 'cause I mean,
  • 00:35:30.240 --> 00:35:31.170
  • we've gone through the really
  • 00:35:31.170 --> 00:35:32.190
  • starving student days, and
  • 00:35:32.190 --> 00:35:34.140
  • really had nothing, and I would
  • 00:35:34.140 --> 00:35:35.210
  • feel guilty, and John never once
  • 00:35:35.210 --> 00:35:37.160
  • made me feel guilty for spending
  • 00:35:37.160 --> 00:35:39.060
  • it but somehow I felt because I
  • 00:35:39.060 --> 00:35:40.200
  • wasn't out there earning a
  • 00:35:40.200 --> 00:35:41.260
  • degree it must, it all rested on
  • 00:35:41.260 --> 00:35:44.000
  • me.
  • 00:35:44.000 --> 00:35:44.250
  • - John: And by the way, she
  • 00:35:44.250 --> 00:35:45.280
  • never was the problem but she
  • 00:35:45.280 --> 00:35:48.000
  • always, as soon as we brought it
  • 00:35:48.000 --> 00:35:49.250
  • up, oh you took it personally,
  • 00:35:49.250 --> 00:35:51.100
  • didn't you?
  • 00:35:51.100 --> 00:35:52.000
  • - Helen: I did, I did, I felt
  • 00:35:52.000 --> 00:35:52.230
  • like I was contributing to it
  • 00:35:52.230 --> 00:35:54.250
  • because I wasn't earning money.
  • 00:35:54.250 --> 00:35:56.210
  • For me, it was a difficult
  • 00:35:56.210 --> 00:35:57.200
  • thing.
  • 00:35:57.200 --> 00:35:58.140
  • But when John, what John just
  • 00:35:58.140 --> 00:35:59.230
  • said is so true, in a marriage
  • 00:35:59.230 --> 00:36:02.090
  • it's us and how do we take care
  • 00:36:02.090 --> 00:36:05.020
  • of this?
  • 00:36:05.020 --> 00:36:06.050
  • And I think often in marriage we
  • 00:36:06.050 --> 00:36:09.050
  • come at finances from a very
  • 00:36:09.050 --> 00:36:10.140
  • different place.
  • 00:36:10.140 --> 00:36:11.160
  • Maybe we grew up with lots or we
  • 00:36:11.160 --> 00:36:13.200
  • grew up with little and it's our
  • 00:36:13.200 --> 00:36:15.040
  • mindset because there is a
  • 00:36:15.040 --> 00:36:16.240
  • really strong financial mindset.
  • 00:36:16.240 --> 00:36:18.260
  • And it's learning how to
  • 00:36:18.260 --> 00:36:20.000
  • understand each other, and
  • 00:36:20.000 --> 00:36:21.130
  • learning that we have to have a
  • 00:36:21.130 --> 00:36:22.280
  • plan.
  • 00:36:22.280 --> 00:36:23.230
  • And I think with finances we
  • 00:36:23.230 --> 00:36:24.220
  • always have to believe it's
  • 00:36:24.220 --> 00:36:25.260
  • going to get better but how is
  • 00:36:25.260 --> 00:36:27.190
  • that going to happen?
  • 00:36:27.190 --> 00:36:28.200
  • It's not by spending more.
  • 00:36:28.200 --> 00:36:29.220
  • It's by taking care of what we
  • 00:36:29.220 --> 00:36:31.030
  • do have and stewarding it well.
  • 00:36:31.030 --> 00:36:32.120
  • And we've had to, you know,
  • 00:36:32.120 --> 00:36:34.160
  • we've had seasons in our married
  • 00:36:34.160 --> 00:36:35.260
  • life, we'd have to go back at
  • 00:36:35.260 --> 00:36:37.070
  • it, what's the plan to get to
  • 00:36:37.070 --> 00:36:38.130
  • where we want to go?
  • 00:36:38.130 --> 00:36:39.260
  • And we always found excited,
  • 00:36:39.260 --> 00:36:42.120
  • even if it meant we had to pull
  • 00:36:42.120 --> 00:36:43.180
  • back spending a lot, we were on
  • 00:36:43.180 --> 00:36:45.190
  • the same team, we had a goal,
  • 00:36:45.190 --> 00:36:47.030
  • and together we achieved it.
  • 00:36:47.030 --> 00:36:49.070
  • - John: It's amazing, a plan.
  • 00:36:49.070 --> 00:36:51.150
  • Come up with a plan, and then
  • 00:36:51.150 --> 00:36:52.270
  • take two steps in the right
  • 00:36:52.270 --> 00:36:54.130
  • direction, and all of a sudden
  • 00:36:54.130 --> 00:36:55.270
  • the sky's blue, and there's no
  • 00:36:55.270 --> 00:36:57.260
  • problem, we can deal with this.
  • 00:36:57.260 --> 00:36:59.040
  • - Helen: Yeah, fantastic
  • 00:36:59.040 --> 00:37:00.040
  • question though.
  • 00:37:00.040 --> 00:37:00.250
  • It would be one of the greatest
  • 00:37:00.250 --> 00:37:02.020
  • stresses is in any marriage is
  • 00:37:02.020 --> 00:37:03.220
  • financial stress.
  • 00:37:03.220 --> 00:37:04.240
  • - Niyah: Wow.
  • 00:37:04.240 --> 00:37:05.200
  • What's our next question?
  • 00:37:05.200 --> 00:37:06.260
  • - female: Hi, for a child that
  • 00:37:06.260 --> 00:37:07.290
  • wants to pursue their dreams,
  • 00:37:07.290 --> 00:37:10.180
  • what is a parents' role and the
  • 00:37:10.180 --> 00:37:12.180
  • kids role so that no one feels
  • 00:37:12.180 --> 00:37:13.270
  • kind of guilt for someone moving
  • 00:37:13.270 --> 00:37:15.140
  • away, or like that?
  • 00:37:15.140 --> 00:37:17.070
  • - Helen: So, you're pursuing
  • 00:37:17.070 --> 00:37:18.070
  • dreams and feeling a little bit,
  • 00:37:18.160 --> 00:37:21.160
  • like, maybe that's hard for your
  • 00:37:21.160 --> 00:37:24.060
  • parents to deal with?
  • 00:37:24.060 --> 00:37:25.190
  • Yeah, pretty common.
  • 00:37:25.190 --> 00:37:27.100
  • I think that that's--parents
  • 00:37:27.100 --> 00:37:29.170
  • want the best for their
  • 00:37:29.170 --> 00:37:30.120
  • children.
  • 00:37:30.120 --> 00:37:31.070
  • I think most parents want the
  • 00:37:31.070 --> 00:37:32.190
  • best for your children, I'm
  • 00:37:32.190 --> 00:37:33.190
  • guessing that would be true of
  • 00:37:33.190 --> 00:37:34.250
  • your parents.
  • 00:37:34.250 --> 00:37:35.270
  • But I think that sometimes there
  • 00:37:35.270 --> 00:37:37.240
  • is this sense of guilt if I'm
  • 00:37:37.240 --> 00:37:39.130
  • leaving.
  • 00:37:39.130 --> 00:37:40.150
  • I would hope that if I was a
  • 00:37:40.150 --> 00:37:41.200
  • parent 'cause our children are
  • 00:37:41.200 --> 00:37:42.260
  • all close by, our grandchildren
  • 00:37:42.260 --> 00:37:44.220
  • are all close by, so we have
  • 00:37:44.220 --> 00:37:46.170
  • this ideal world in my mind but
  • 00:37:46.170 --> 00:37:48.030
  • I would hope that as a parent
  • 00:37:48.090 --> 00:37:51.090
  • that if my child had an
  • 00:37:51.090 --> 00:37:52.120
  • opportunity or a massive dream
  • 00:37:52.120 --> 00:37:54.240
  • that I would get behind their
  • 00:37:54.240 --> 00:37:55.220
  • dream, because I would, I think
  • 00:37:55.220 --> 00:37:57.250
  • God puts dreams in children's
  • 00:37:57.250 --> 00:37:59.090
  • hearts, in my children's hearts,
  • 00:37:59.090 --> 00:38:01.030
  • and maybe they feel a call to
  • 00:38:01.030 --> 00:38:02.080
  • another country, or do something
  • 00:38:02.130 --> 00:38:05.130
  • else, or, I would want to be a
  • 00:38:05.130 --> 00:38:07.180
  • part of them achieving their
  • 00:38:07.180 --> 00:38:08.220
  • dreams but I think it takes
  • 00:38:08.220 --> 00:38:10.280
  • communication.
  • 00:38:10.280 --> 00:38:12.070
  • That it's not like I'm pulling
  • 00:38:12.070 --> 00:38:13.130
  • away from you, I think some
  • 00:38:13.130 --> 00:38:14.170
  • parents feel like they're
  • 00:38:14.170 --> 00:38:15.290
  • pulling away because they're not
  • 00:38:15.290 --> 00:38:17.030
  • happy with me, and I think it's
  • 00:38:17.030 --> 00:38:18.190
  • as much of an insecurity
  • 00:38:18.190 --> 00:38:20.010
  • sometimes for parents as it is
  • 00:38:20.010 --> 00:38:21.220
  • for the children.
  • 00:38:21.220 --> 00:38:23.010
  • But I think always move towards
  • 00:38:23.010 --> 00:38:24.260
  • the relationship and move
  • 00:38:24.260 --> 00:38:26.050
  • towards communication.
  • 00:38:26.050 --> 00:38:28.000
  • As a child, I hope my child
  • 00:38:28.000 --> 00:38:29.240
  • would tell me, "Well, this is
  • 00:38:29.240 --> 00:38:31.000
  • happening for me.
  • 00:38:31.000 --> 00:38:31.210
  • I'm so excited about these
  • 00:38:31.210 --> 00:38:32.170
  • opportunities.
  • 00:38:32.170 --> 00:38:33.150
  • I'm growing in this way."
  • 00:38:33.150 --> 00:38:34.280
  • And then as a parent we feel
  • 00:38:34.280 --> 00:38:36.020
  • like, "Wow, our child feels
  • 00:38:36.020 --> 00:38:37.070
  • fulfilled."
  • 00:38:37.070 --> 00:38:38.080
  • But everything that we can do to
  • 00:38:38.080 --> 00:38:39.270
  • take away the tension of, "We're
  • 00:38:39.270 --> 00:38:42.050
  • pulling away from each other,"
  • 00:38:42.050 --> 00:38:43.280
  • rather than, "We're moving
  • 00:38:43.280 --> 00:38:45.050
  • towards dreams.
  • 00:38:45.050 --> 00:38:46.050
  • And if my dreams fulfilled then
  • 00:38:46.050 --> 00:38:47.200
  • your dream as a parent is
  • 00:38:47.200 --> 00:38:49.010
  • fulfilled as well."
  • 00:38:49.010 --> 00:38:49.220
  • - John: The way I would
  • 00:38:49.220 --> 00:38:50.290
  • approach your parents, I would
  • 00:38:50.290 --> 00:38:52.150
  • approach them by patting them on
  • 00:38:52.150 --> 00:38:54.210
  • the back, and praising them, and
  • 00:38:54.210 --> 00:38:56.190
  • giving them a credit for who you
  • 00:38:56.190 --> 00:38:58.000
  • are, and why you want to pursue
  • 00:38:58.000 --> 00:38:59.160
  • your dream.
  • 00:38:59.160 --> 00:39:00.270
  • "If it wasn't for your great
  • 00:39:00.270 --> 00:39:02.240
  • parenting and you put, you
  • 00:39:02.240 --> 00:39:04.140
  • taught me, you raised me to
  • 00:39:04.140 --> 00:39:07.040
  • follow the dreams in my heart."
  • 00:39:07.040 --> 00:39:08.290
  • And so, you build them, and if
  • 00:39:08.290 --> 00:39:11.060
  • you do that right it becomes,
  • 00:39:11.080 --> 00:39:14.080
  • "Wow, my child is moving on,
  • 00:39:14.080 --> 00:39:16.230
  • following their dream because
  • 00:39:16.230 --> 00:39:18.120
  • I've been a great parent."
  • 00:39:18.120 --> 00:39:19.270
  • Which is true, isn't it?
  • 00:39:19.270 --> 00:39:21.060
  • Sometimes because they don't see
  • 00:39:21.060 --> 00:39:23.070
  • it that way, they feel like,
  • 00:39:23.070 --> 00:39:25.120
  • "They're moving away because I
  • 00:39:25.120 --> 00:39:26.160
  • didn't do it right.
  • 00:39:26.160 --> 00:39:27.270
  • You know, I'm going to be
  • 00:39:27.270 --> 00:39:28.190
  • missing them."
  • 00:39:28.190 --> 00:39:29.130
  • Yeah, you're going to miss them
  • 00:39:29.130 --> 00:39:30.260
  • and all the rest but when you
  • 00:39:30.260 --> 00:39:31.200
  • know it's because you've done a
  • 00:39:31.200 --> 00:39:34.130
  • great job as a parent.
  • 00:39:34.130 --> 00:39:35.140
  • I saw that even with my parents.
  • 00:39:35.140 --> 00:39:38.030
  • When I started pastoring a
  • 00:39:38.030 --> 00:39:39.200
  • church it wasn't the church I
  • 00:39:39.200 --> 00:39:41.290
  • was raised in.
  • 00:39:41.290 --> 00:39:43.000
  • And they, at first, were like,
  • 00:39:43.000 --> 00:39:45.210
  • "Whoa, this is so hard on me.
  • 00:39:45.210 --> 00:39:48.130
  • We must've done a bad job,
  • 00:39:48.130 --> 00:39:49.170
  • da-da-da-da."
  • 00:39:49.170 --> 00:39:50.230
  • So, I just began to tell them,
  • 00:39:50.230 --> 00:39:52.190
  • "Thank you for all that you've
  • 00:39:52.190 --> 00:39:53.270
  • done.
  • 00:39:53.270 --> 00:39:54.240
  • If it wasn't for you, and what I
  • 00:39:54.240 --> 00:39:56.080
  • learnt growing up, and I want to
  • 00:39:56.130 --> 00:39:59.130
  • pursue God because of the way
  • 00:39:59.130 --> 00:40:01.090
  • you raised me, I'd never be
  • 00:40:01.090 --> 00:40:02.160
  • doing this.
  • 00:40:02.160 --> 00:40:03.060
  • But because you raised me so
  • 00:40:03.060 --> 00:40:04.090
  • amazing, I just pursued God, and
  • 00:40:04.090 --> 00:40:06.200
  • I'm, I find myself in a place so
  • 00:40:06.200 --> 00:40:09.020
  • amazing and rich.
  • 00:40:09.020 --> 00:40:10.260
  • Thank you, thank you, thank
  • 00:40:10.260 --> 00:40:11.270
  • you."
  • 00:40:11.270 --> 00:40:12.230
  • That's the key I think.
  • 00:40:12.230 --> 00:40:14.240
  • - female: So, I have a friend
  • 00:40:14.240 --> 00:40:15.170
  • who is married and they just
  • 00:40:15.170 --> 00:40:17.170
  • recently found out that their
  • 00:40:17.170 --> 00:40:18.130
  • spouse has an addiction to
  • 00:40:18.130 --> 00:40:20.160
  • pornography and are just trying
  • 00:40:20.160 --> 00:40:22.070
  • to navigate that.
  • 00:40:22.070 --> 00:40:23.120
  • I was wondering what kind of
  • 00:40:23.120 --> 00:40:24.090
  • advice you'd have for that?
  • 00:40:24.090 --> 00:40:26.070
  • - Helen: Wow, yeah, I think
  • 00:40:26.070 --> 00:40:28.170
  • that this is such a common
  • 00:40:28.170 --> 00:40:29.240
  • situation in so many marriages,
  • 00:40:29.240 --> 00:40:31.180
  • and it's not just a male problem
  • 00:40:31.180 --> 00:40:33.150
  • or a female problem anymore.
  • 00:40:33.150 --> 00:40:35.100
  • There is huge addiction in the
  • 00:40:35.100 --> 00:40:37.050
  • area of pornography and it
  • 00:40:37.050 --> 00:40:39.100
  • really does come in, when it
  • 00:40:39.100 --> 00:40:41.120
  • comes into marriage it's never
  • 00:40:41.120 --> 00:40:43.110
  • healthy, obviously, for anyone.
  • 00:40:43.110 --> 00:40:44.220
  • But in marriage it robs from our
  • 00:40:45.050 --> 00:40:48.050
  • intimacy and our relationship.
  • 00:40:48.050 --> 00:40:50.090
  • And so, if she just found it
  • 00:40:50.090 --> 00:40:52.160
  • out, or he just found it out, I
  • 00:40:52.160 --> 00:40:54.000
  • think the first thing to do is
  • 00:40:54.000 --> 00:40:55.180
  • in a place of not accusing and
  • 00:40:55.180 --> 00:40:57.220
  • anger, which is going to be
  • 00:40:57.220 --> 00:40:58.240
  • incredibly hard, but to actually
  • 00:40:58.240 --> 00:41:01.220
  • say, "We need to talk about this
  • 00:41:01.220 --> 00:41:03.080
  • because if this is going on it
  • 00:41:03.080 --> 00:41:04.160
  • affects both of us."
  • 00:41:04.160 --> 00:41:05.240
  • And get help.
  • 00:41:05.240 --> 00:41:07.110
  • Further to that, one thing that
  • 00:41:07.110 --> 00:41:08.240
  • I feel very importantly, I'm
  • 00:41:08.240 --> 00:41:10.090
  • just going to say this
  • 00:41:10.090 --> 00:41:11.110
  • hypothetically, that if John had
  • 00:41:11.110 --> 00:41:12.130
  • a porn addiction, I would want
  • 00:41:12.130 --> 00:41:14.190
  • to know about it.
  • 00:41:14.190 --> 00:41:16.120
  • I would want to know that he's
  • 00:41:16.120 --> 00:41:17.090
  • getting help.
  • 00:41:17.090 --> 00:41:18.240
  • I would want him to be
  • 00:41:18.240 --> 00:41:20.080
  • accountable but I would not want
  • 00:41:20.080 --> 00:41:22.060
  • him to be accountable to me.
  • 00:41:22.060 --> 00:41:24.220
  • I would want to have somebody I
  • 00:41:24.220 --> 00:41:26.190
  • really trusted as a mentor, say
  • 00:41:26.190 --> 00:41:28.230
  • another pastor, someone that I
  • 00:41:28.230 --> 00:41:29.290
  • know that is in John's business,
  • 00:41:29.290 --> 00:41:32.130
  • and holding him accountable, and
  • 00:41:32.130 --> 00:41:34.160
  • that I know that it's going in
  • 00:41:34.160 --> 00:41:37.020
  • the direction it needs to go to
  • 00:41:37.020 --> 00:41:38.080
  • get freedom.
  • 00:41:38.080 --> 00:41:39.230
  • And if he wasn't then I would
  • 00:41:39.230 --> 00:41:41.120
  • trust this mentor to say, "I'm
  • 00:41:41.120 --> 00:41:43.160
  • going to sit you both down.
  • 00:41:43.160 --> 00:41:44.160
  • John's not doing the work.
  • 00:41:44.160 --> 00:41:46.020
  • And what is the plan from here?"
  • 00:41:46.020 --> 00:41:47.230
  • Because I think in marriage when
  • 00:41:47.230 --> 00:41:49.230
  • there is, to really go forward,
  • 00:41:51.170 --> 00:41:54.170
  • if you feel like you have to be
  • 00:41:54.170 --> 00:41:55.220
  • the one policing every, like
  • 00:41:55.220 --> 00:41:58.050
  • every day it's like they're
  • 00:41:58.050 --> 00:41:59.190
  • picking up their phone, or
  • 00:41:59.190 --> 00:42:00.230
  • they're turning on the computer,
  • 00:42:00.230 --> 00:42:02.010
  • and they're freaking out every
  • 00:42:02.010 --> 00:42:03.290
  • single time, thinking, "Is this
  • 00:42:03.290 --> 00:42:05.080
  • it again?
  • 00:42:05.080 --> 00:42:05.260
  • Is this happening again?
  • 00:42:05.260 --> 00:42:06.250
  • How do we ever move forward?"
  • 00:42:06.250 --> 00:42:08.270
  • I think that's where you invite
  • 00:42:08.270 --> 00:42:10.120
  • someone else.
  • 00:42:10.120 --> 00:42:11.110
  • Honesty is the only way.
  • 00:42:11.110 --> 00:42:12.200
  • You have to bring it into the
  • 00:42:12.200 --> 00:42:13.210
  • light and once you bring it into
  • 00:42:13.220 --> 00:42:16.220
  • the light, you can trust God to
  • 00:42:16.220 --> 00:42:18.040
  • come into the middle of it, and
  • 00:42:18.040 --> 00:42:19.090
  • get help.
  • 00:42:19.090 --> 00:42:20.080
  • But if that was us, that is what
  • 00:42:20.080 --> 00:42:22.080
  • I would hope would happen.
  • 00:42:22.080 --> 00:42:23.280
  • - John: And the thing again,
  • 00:42:23.280 --> 00:42:24.240
  • remember, every addiction is
  • 00:42:24.240 --> 00:42:26.080
  • fueled by guilt and shame.
  • 00:42:26.080 --> 00:42:28.000
  • And so, the worst thing,
  • 00:42:28.000 --> 00:42:29.080
  • actually the enemy is guilt and
  • 00:42:29.080 --> 00:42:31.270
  • shame.
  • 00:42:31.270 --> 00:42:33.010
  • If you can just take that out of
  • 00:42:33.010 --> 00:42:34.090
  • the mix, you can work with how
  • 00:42:34.090 --> 00:42:36.060
  • we retrain your thinking
  • 00:42:36.060 --> 00:42:38.100
  • whatever it is to get on the
  • 00:42:38.100 --> 00:42:39.210
  • other side of it.
  • 00:42:39.210 --> 00:42:41.000
  • - Niyah: Wow, such godly
  • 00:42:41.000 --> 00:42:42.290
  • wisdom.
  • 00:42:42.290 --> 00:42:43.240
  • Thank you so much for sharing.
  • 00:42:43.240 --> 00:42:45.070
  • These questions are really
  • 00:42:45.070 --> 00:42:46.000
  • sparking some crucial
  • 00:42:46.000 --> 00:42:47.000
  • conversations.
  • 00:42:47.000 --> 00:42:47.290
  • Thank you so much.
  • 00:42:47.290 --> 00:42:49.200
  • Now, right after the break, John
  • 00:42:49.200 --> 00:42:50.210
  • and Helen outline their final
  • 00:42:50.210 --> 00:42:52.010
  • messages on the topics of
  • 00:42:52.010 --> 00:42:53.120
  • healthy boundaries and
  • 00:42:53.120 --> 00:42:54.160
  • relationships.
  • 00:42:54.160 --> 00:42:55.160
  • - Niyah: Welcome back to this
  • 00:43:08.110 --> 00:43:09.060
  • show where we cover everything
  • 00:43:09.060 --> 00:43:10.270
  • surrounding sex, love, and
  • 00:43:10.270 --> 00:43:11.290
  • relationships.
  • 00:43:11.290 --> 00:43:13.190
  • Now, I know we talked a lot
  • 00:43:13.190 --> 00:43:14.200
  • about love and I know we talked
  • 00:43:14.200 --> 00:43:16.060
  • a lot about relationships but we
  • 00:43:16.060 --> 00:43:18.080
  • haven't really gotten into sex,
  • 00:43:18.230 --> 00:43:21.230
  • and I can't believe I'm saying
  • 00:43:21.230 --> 00:43:22.200
  • that word on TV, sex.
  • 00:43:22.200 --> 00:43:24.040
  • But before we go there, we
  • 00:43:24.040 --> 00:43:25.190
  • couldn't resist asking our
  • 00:43:25.190 --> 00:43:27.060
  • studio audience members if they
  • 00:43:27.060 --> 00:43:29.000
  • would reveal their own insights
  • 00:43:29.000 --> 00:43:31.020
  • on sex, love, and relationships
  • 00:43:31.020 --> 00:43:32.190
  • for John and Helen.
  • 00:43:32.190 --> 00:43:33.070
  • Let's take a look.
  • 00:43:33.070 --> 00:43:35.070
  • - male: What are you first
  • 00:43:35.070 --> 00:43:35.240
  • words in the morning?
  • 00:43:35.240 --> 00:43:37.230
  • - male: Why did I go to bed so
  • 00:43:37.230 --> 00:43:38.200
  • late?
  • 00:43:38.200 --> 00:43:40.010
  • - male: Why do you think good
  • 00:43:40.010 --> 00:43:40.250
  • people cheat?
  • 00:43:40.250 --> 00:43:41.240
  • - male: Possibly they're not
  • 00:43:41.240 --> 00:43:42.180
  • focused in their relationship
  • 00:43:42.180 --> 00:43:44.170
  • with God.
  • 00:43:44.170 --> 00:43:46.210
  • - male: What do you do if you
  • 00:43:46.210 --> 00:43:47.200
  • like someone?
  • 00:43:47.200 --> 00:43:49.160
  • - male: Stalk their Instagram.
  • 00:43:49.160 --> 00:43:52.040
  • - male: Do you think sexting's
  • 00:43:52.040 --> 00:43:53.010
  • okay?
  • 00:43:53.010 --> 00:43:54.260
  • - male: If you're married.
  • 00:43:54.260 --> 00:43:56.170
  • - male: What's a symbol of
  • 00:43:56.170 --> 00:43:57.100
  • being in love?
  • 00:43:57.100 --> 00:43:58.140
  • - male: Sacrifice.
  • 00:43:58.140 --> 00:44:00.160
  • - male: Do you think opposites
  • 00:44:00.160 --> 00:44:01.100
  • can attract?
  • 00:44:01.100 --> 00:44:02.090
  • - male: Yes.
  • 00:44:02.090 --> 00:44:03.190
  • - male: Should you text someone
  • 00:44:03.190 --> 00:44:04.100
  • right back?
  • 00:44:04.100 --> 00:44:05.270
  • - male: Yes, unless you're
  • 00:44:05.270 --> 00:44:06.230
  • trying to play hard to get.
  • 00:44:06.230 --> 00:44:09.070
  • - male: Do you think flirting
  • 00:44:09.070 --> 00:44:10.010
  • is cheating?
  • 00:44:10.010 --> 00:44:11.210
  • - male: I would say so.
  • 00:44:11.210 --> 00:44:13.140
  • - male: If you could ask a
  • 00:44:13.140 --> 00:44:14.090
  • woman one question, what would
  • 00:44:14.090 --> 00:44:15.220
  • it be?
  • 00:44:15.220 --> 00:44:18.220
  • - male: I'm not sure.
  • 00:44:18.220 --> 00:44:20.180
  • - male: Is being friends with
  • 00:44:20.180 --> 00:44:21.100
  • your ex okay?
  • 00:44:21.100 --> 00:44:22.240
  • - male: I think it depends on
  • 00:44:22.240 --> 00:44:24.120
  • the situation and if whoever
  • 00:44:24.120 --> 00:44:27.070
  • you're with is comfortable with
  • 00:44:27.070 --> 00:44:28.060
  • - Niyah: Whoa-ho-ho, this is
  • 00:44:30.080 --> 00:44:32.100
  • some good stuff right here.
  • 00:44:32.100 --> 00:44:34.050
  • - John: Yeah, I don't know
  • 00:44:34.050 --> 00:44:35.030
  • about stalking her Instagram.
  • 00:44:35.290 --> 00:44:38.290
  • - Helen: He's being honest.
  • 00:44:38.290 --> 00:44:39.230
  • - Niyah: He's being so honest.
  • 00:44:39.230 --> 00:44:40.190
  • I absolutely love that because
  • 00:44:40.190 --> 00:44:41.180
  • people do that nowadays.
  • 00:44:41.180 --> 00:44:43.240
  • Whether it's, you know,
  • 00:44:43.240 --> 00:44:45.010
  • girl-guy, it doesn't matter.
  • 00:44:45.010 --> 00:44:45.270
  • You do that to another girl just
  • 00:44:45.270 --> 00:44:47.090
  • because you want to know what
  • 00:44:47.090 --> 00:44:48.140
  • they're about, or new
  • 00:44:48.140 --> 00:44:49.290
  • friendships, or what have you.
  • 00:44:49.290 --> 00:44:51.250
  • Everybody stalks each other's
  • 00:44:51.250 --> 00:44:53.070
  • Instagrams, their Facebooks.
  • 00:44:54.020 --> 00:44:57.020
  • - Helen: Don't tell me you've
  • 00:44:57.020 --> 00:44:57.260
  • never done that.
  • 00:44:57.260 --> 00:44:58.220
  • Checked our someone's Instagram.
  • 00:44:58.220 --> 00:45:00.280
  • - Niyah: They google people
  • 00:45:00.280 --> 00:45:03.010
  • nowadays.
  • 00:45:03.010 --> 00:45:03.290
  • You have to get their whole
  • 00:45:03.290 --> 00:45:04.220
  • credit history.
  • 00:45:04.220 --> 00:45:05.140
  • You need to know everything,
  • 00:45:05.140 --> 00:45:06.050
  • okay.
  • 00:45:06.050 --> 00:45:07.090
  • - John: I've never googled
  • 00:45:07.090 --> 00:45:08.290
  • anybody or stalked anybody.
  • 00:45:08.290 --> 00:45:10.080
  • I'm sorry, is that, like, I'm
  • 00:45:10.080 --> 00:45:11.180
  • really behind the times?
  • 00:45:11.180 --> 00:45:13.000
  • - Niyah: You're a little
  • 00:45:13.000 --> 00:45:13.200
  • behind.
  • 00:45:13.200 --> 00:45:14.170
  • - Helen: You seriously have
  • 00:45:14.170 --> 00:45:15.120
  • never googled something like
  • 00:45:15.120 --> 00:45:17.130
  • checking somebody out?
  • 00:45:17.130 --> 00:45:19.200
  • - John: No, I would google
  • 00:45:19.200 --> 00:45:21.250
  • somebody if I was meeting
  • 00:45:21.250 --> 00:45:22.280
  • somebody and didn't know who
  • 00:45:22.280 --> 00:45:23.290
  • they were and wanted to know
  • 00:45:23.290 --> 00:45:25.070
  • their face but to check them,
  • 00:45:25.070 --> 00:45:27.030
  • no.
  • 00:45:27.030 --> 00:45:28.190
  • - Helen: That's because you're
  • 00:45:28.190 --> 00:45:29.240
  • 63 and I'm only 60.
  • 00:45:29.240 --> 00:45:31.030
  • - John: I'm really, really,
  • 00:45:31.030 --> 00:45:32.080
  • really old-fashioned or
  • 00:45:32.080 --> 00:45:33.100
  • something.
  • 00:45:33.100 --> 00:45:34.060
  • - Niyah: But nowadays, nowadays
  • 00:45:34.060 --> 00:45:35.010
  • if you wanted to date someone or
  • 00:45:35.010 --> 00:45:36.090
  • you like someone, I mean the
  • 00:45:36.090 --> 00:45:37.210
  • first thing you go to is the
  • 00:45:37.210 --> 00:45:38.200
  • Instagram.
  • 00:45:38.200 --> 00:45:39.240
  • - Helen: If my granddaughter
  • 00:45:39.240 --> 00:45:41.120
  • starts dating somebody that I
  • 00:45:41.120 --> 00:45:42.250
  • haven't met, you know I'm going
  • 00:45:42.250 --> 00:45:44.000
  • to their Instagram.
  • 00:45:44.000 --> 00:45:45.070
  • Just going to put it out there.
  • 00:45:45.070 --> 00:45:46.110
  • - Niyah: Hundred percent, it
  • 00:45:46.110 --> 00:45:47.120
  • says so much about you, and I
  • 00:45:47.120 --> 00:45:48.130
  • think that's the fastest way to
  • 00:45:48.130 --> 00:45:50.000
  • kind of get to know someone,
  • 00:45:50.000 --> 00:45:51.090
  • what they like, what they don't
  • 00:45:51.090 --> 00:45:52.120
  • like, and what they're about.
  • 00:45:52.120 --> 00:45:54.010
  • Social media.
  • 00:45:54.010 --> 00:45:55.140
  • - Helen: I'm stalking you from
  • 00:45:55.140 --> 00:45:56.200
  • now on.
  • 00:45:56.200 --> 00:45:57.240
  • - Niyah: Oh yeah.
  • 00:45:57.240 --> 00:45:59.120
  • Well, we're going to do a little
  • 00:45:59.120 --> 00:46:00.120
  • remix here.
  • 00:46:00.120 --> 00:46:01.100
  • We're going to throw in some
  • 00:46:01.100 --> 00:46:02.130
  • questions about sex, some
  • 00:46:02.130 --> 00:46:04.000
  • questions that you guys had.
  • 00:46:04.000 --> 00:46:05.050
  • Now, one of the questions that
  • 00:46:05.050 --> 00:46:06.170
  • were actually written to us was,
  • 00:46:06.170 --> 00:46:08.140
  • "I had a baby a little over a
  • 00:46:08.140 --> 00:46:10.200
  • year ago and I wasn't interested
  • 00:46:10.200 --> 00:46:12.240
  • in sex for a long time but now
  • 00:46:12.240 --> 00:46:15.110
  • that I am, my husband is pushing
  • 00:46:15.110 --> 00:46:17.040
  • me away.
  • 00:46:17.040 --> 00:46:18.130
  • Help."
  • 00:46:18.130 --> 00:46:19.260
  • Ooh.
  • 00:46:19.260 --> 00:46:21.150
  • - Helen: Can I tell you, do you
  • 00:46:21.150 --> 00:46:22.190
  • remember many years ago we had a
  • 00:46:22.190 --> 00:46:24.260
  • question so similar to this, so
  • 00:46:24.260 --> 00:46:27.040
  • yeah, I remember a woman called
  • 00:46:27.040 --> 00:46:28.140
  • into our television program.
  • 00:46:28.140 --> 00:46:30.210
  • - John: It was live, it was
  • 00:46:30.210 --> 00:46:31.100
  • live.
  • 00:46:31.100 --> 00:46:32.070
  • - Helen: And she began to weep,
  • 00:46:32.070 --> 00:46:33.220
  • and she was saying how during,
  • 00:46:33.220 --> 00:46:36.060
  • like, you know, before she got
  • 00:46:36.060 --> 00:46:38.030
  • pregnant and during pregnancy
  • 00:46:38.030 --> 00:46:40.030
  • she loved sex but now after she
  • 00:46:40.030 --> 00:46:42.240
  • had the baby she was completely
  • 00:46:42.240 --> 00:46:43.280
  • focused on the baby, and her
  • 00:46:43.280 --> 00:46:45.120
  • husband had wanted to come back
  • 00:46:45.120 --> 00:46:47.180
  • and have sexual relationships,
  • 00:46:47.180 --> 00:46:50.030
  • and she said she pushed him away
  • 00:46:50.030 --> 00:46:51.160
  • for almost a year, and she was
  • 00:46:51.160 --> 00:46:52.150
  • sobbing because she said, "Now,
  • 00:46:52.150 --> 00:46:54.270
  • I so want him in my life but I
  • 00:46:54.270 --> 00:46:56.150
  • feel like he doesn't want me and
  • 00:46:56.150 --> 00:46:58.100
  • I don't where he went with
  • 00:46:58.100 --> 00:46:59.070
  • that."
  • 00:46:59.070 --> 00:47:00.050
  • I think she was afraid, like, is
  • 00:47:00.050 --> 00:47:01.060
  • he complete--
  • 00:47:01.060 --> 00:47:02.150
  • - Niyah: That's my thought, if
  • 00:47:02.150 --> 00:47:03.120
  • he's not getting it from her,
  • 00:47:03.120 --> 00:47:05.130
  • who's he getting it from?
  • 00:47:05.130 --> 00:47:06.270
  • That's my thought process, you
  • 00:47:06.270 --> 00:47:07.250
  • know.
  • 00:47:07.250 --> 00:47:08.180
  • - John: That's one of the
  • 00:47:08.180 --> 00:47:09.130
  • issues that this brings up, you
  • 00:47:09.130 --> 00:47:10.240
  • know, so, we could talk to him
  • 00:47:10.240 --> 00:47:12.070
  • and, you know, try and straight
  • 00:47:12.070 --> 00:47:14.250
  • him out but the other issue is
  • 00:47:14.250 --> 00:47:16.220
  • just to recognize that there is
  • 00:47:16.220 --> 00:47:18.240
  • this physiological thing that
  • 00:47:18.240 --> 00:47:20.190
  • happens.
  • 00:47:20.190 --> 00:47:21.160
  • There's seasons that happen and
  • 00:47:21.160 --> 00:47:23.050
  • when a woman, after a woman has
  • 00:47:23.050 --> 00:47:24.140
  • a baby, she's in a season where
  • 00:47:24.140 --> 00:47:26.190
  • she's not excited about sex.
  • 00:47:27.130 --> 00:47:30.130
  • Sometimes it's even painful, you
  • 00:47:30.130 --> 00:47:32.000
  • know, to go there, but that's
  • 00:47:32.000 --> 00:47:34.120
  • where I think talking about this
  • 00:47:34.120 --> 00:47:36.130
  • even on a show like this, or
  • 00:47:36.130 --> 00:47:38.230
  • talking about this in church, in
  • 00:47:38.230 --> 00:47:41.130
  • marriage, you know, some kind of
  • 00:47:42.060 --> 00:47:45.060
  • context where people get the
  • 00:47:45.060 --> 00:47:47.030
  • facts that this is normal, okay?
  • 00:47:47.030 --> 00:47:49.270
  • But what she has to, you know,
  • 00:47:49.270 --> 00:47:51.250
  • understand is for him to still
  • 00:47:51.250 --> 00:47:53.280
  • want to sex is normal too.
  • 00:47:53.280 --> 00:47:55.100
  • And when you get married you
  • 00:47:55.100 --> 00:47:56.220
  • actually own each other's
  • 00:47:56.220 --> 00:47:58.040
  • sexuality in terms of it's your
  • 00:47:58.040 --> 00:47:59.100
  • responsibility.
  • 00:47:59.100 --> 00:48:00.290
  • And so, he shouldn't be pushing
  • 00:48:00.290 --> 00:48:02.080
  • her but at the same time she
  • 00:48:02.080 --> 00:48:04.040
  • should, you know, there's some
  • 00:48:04.040 --> 00:48:05.170
  • ways that you can go through
  • 00:48:05.170 --> 00:48:07.190
  • this that hopefully you don't
  • 00:48:07.190 --> 00:48:09.040
  • get to that place.
  • 00:48:09.040 --> 00:48:10.210
  • I'm not saying that he's wrong
  • 00:48:10.210 --> 00:48:11.190
  • or she's wrong, I'm saying--
  • 00:48:11.190 --> 00:48:12.260
  • - Helen: But now she's here, I
  • 00:48:12.260 --> 00:48:14.060
  • think it needs to have a true
  • 00:48:14.060 --> 00:48:16.240
  • heartfelt conversation of
  • 00:48:16.240 --> 00:48:18.280
  • saying, "I'm taking
  • 00:48:18.280 --> 00:48:20.110
  • responsibility for my end and
  • 00:48:20.230 --> 00:48:23.230
  • what needs to happen."
  • 00:48:23.230 --> 00:48:25.140
  • Sometimes it's medical reasons.
  • 00:48:25.140 --> 00:48:26.250
  • Sometimes there's postpartum.
  • 00:48:26.250 --> 00:48:28.230
  • There might be a number of
  • 00:48:28.230 --> 00:48:29.250
  • reasons and I think it's
  • 00:48:29.250 --> 00:48:31.050
  • important to evaluate that, and
  • 00:48:31.050 --> 00:48:33.120
  • so, without having this person
  • 00:48:33.120 --> 00:48:34.280
  • in the room to have a
  • 00:48:34.280 --> 00:48:36.050
  • conversation about what actually
  • 00:48:36.050 --> 00:48:37.180
  • happened, to understand
  • 00:48:37.180 --> 00:48:39.070
  • sometimes there are extenuating
  • 00:48:39.070 --> 00:48:40.160
  • circumstances but all of that
  • 00:48:40.160 --> 00:48:42.140
  • said, I think we have to be
  • 00:48:42.140 --> 00:48:44.010
  • comfortable talking about our
  • 00:48:44.010 --> 00:48:46.000
  • sexual relationship with the
  • 00:48:46.000 --> 00:48:47.090
  • person we're married to and
  • 00:48:47.090 --> 00:48:48.240
  • going there.
  • 00:48:48.240 --> 00:48:50.210
  • And so often when we feel like
  • 00:48:50.210 --> 00:48:51.290
  • we've failed, the hardest person
  • 00:48:51.290 --> 00:48:54.200
  • to talk to is the one that we
  • 00:48:54.200 --> 00:48:56.070
  • feel like we've let down.
  • 00:48:56.070 --> 00:48:57.180
  • - Niyah: But the husband is
  • 00:48:57.180 --> 00:48:58.170
  • giving the push back and not
  • 00:48:58.170 --> 00:48:59.210
  • often do you hear that this time
  • 00:48:59.210 --> 00:49:01.140
  • the husband is saying no.
  • 00:49:01.140 --> 00:49:03.190
  • I'd go into a state of kind of
  • 00:49:03.190 --> 00:49:05.040
  • fear now, like, well what
  • 00:49:05.040 --> 00:49:06.260
  • happened?
  • 00:49:06.260 --> 00:49:07.230
  • Before you were, you know,
  • 00:49:07.230 --> 00:49:09.150
  • running after it.
  • 00:49:09.150 --> 00:49:10.280
  • Now you're kind of like, "No,
  • 00:49:10.280 --> 00:49:12.050
  • I'm good."
  • 00:49:12.050 --> 00:49:13.100
  • - Helen: They can get really
  • 00:49:13.100 --> 00:49:14.120
  • hurt too.
  • 00:49:14.120 --> 00:49:15.210
  • It doesn't mean necessarily he's
  • 00:49:15.210 --> 00:49:16.270
  • out there involved in
  • 00:49:16.270 --> 00:49:18.030
  • pornography or having sex with
  • 00:49:18.030 --> 00:49:19.110
  • other people.
  • 00:49:19.110 --> 00:49:20.230
  • Sometimes it's a bit of, "You
  • 00:49:20.230 --> 00:49:22.010
  • know what?
  • 00:49:22.010 --> 00:49:22.260
  • You did this to me, I'm doing
  • 00:49:22.260 --> 00:49:23.230
  • this to you."
  • 00:49:23.230 --> 00:49:24.260
  • So, I don't think we can assume
  • 00:49:24.260 --> 00:49:27.020
  • anything other than there has to
  • 00:49:27.020 --> 00:49:28.180
  • be a conversation, "What's going
  • 00:49:28.180 --> 00:49:30.060
  • on?
  • 00:49:30.060 --> 00:49:31.090
  • I apologize."
  • 00:49:31.090 --> 00:49:32.120
  • "I apologize."
  • 00:49:32.120 --> 00:49:33.200
  • "Let's work on this and build a
  • 00:49:33.200 --> 00:49:34.220
  • great future together."
  • 00:49:34.220 --> 00:49:36.050
  • And sometimes, you need a
  • 00:49:36.050 --> 00:49:37.110
  • counselor in the middle of it to
  • 00:49:37.110 --> 00:49:38.180
  • just help you navigate it.
  • 00:49:38.180 --> 00:49:39.230
  • - John: Yeah, get help.
  • 00:49:39.230 --> 00:49:40.200
  • - Niyah: Yeah, that's some good
  • 00:49:40.200 --> 00:49:41.290
  • advice, some great advice.
  • 00:49:41.290 --> 00:49:43.290
  • Pastor John, talk to us about
  • 00:49:43.290 --> 00:49:45.120
  • today.
  • 00:49:45.120 --> 00:49:46.260
  • Wrap today up, the episode
  • 00:49:46.260 --> 00:49:48.140
  • today, what would you say about
  • 00:49:48.140 --> 00:49:50.010
  • today?
  • 00:49:50.010 --> 00:49:51.010
  • - John: Great show today,
  • 00:49:51.010 --> 00:49:52.000
  • really, talking about
  • 00:49:52.000 --> 00:49:53.060
  • boundaries, and how important
  • 00:49:53.060 --> 00:49:54.210
  • boundaries are, and this amazing
  • 00:49:54.210 --> 00:49:56.270
  • couple that we interviewed, and
  • 00:49:56.270 --> 00:49:59.010
  • them recognizing that they need
  • 00:49:59.010 --> 00:50:01.080
  • to have boundaries.
  • 00:50:01.080 --> 00:50:02.090
  • Helen and I have built
  • 00:50:02.090 --> 00:50:03.270
  • boundaries into our life and
  • 00:50:03.270 --> 00:50:05.130
  • people sometimes say, "But
  • 00:50:05.130 --> 00:50:06.090
  • you're married.
  • 00:50:06.090 --> 00:50:07.040
  • You've been married for 42
  • 00:50:07.040 --> 00:50:08.110
  • years."
  • 00:50:08.110 --> 00:50:08.290
  • That's why we have boundaries.
  • 00:50:08.290 --> 00:50:10.120
  • It takes one second to blow it
  • 00:50:10.120 --> 00:50:13.060
  • all.
  • 00:50:13.060 --> 00:50:13.290
  • Trust takes a lifetime to build
  • 00:50:13.290 --> 00:50:15.000
  • and a second to smash, and it
  • 00:50:15.000 --> 00:50:17.000
  • becomes so valuable that you
  • 00:50:17.000 --> 00:50:18.140
  • want to make sure you don't go
  • 00:50:18.140 --> 00:50:19.270
  • down the wrong road.
  • 00:50:19.270 --> 00:50:21.050
  • Now, here's the thing, most
  • 00:50:21.050 --> 00:50:22.170
  • people think that they can deal
  • 00:50:22.170 --> 00:50:23.280
  • with it, they can handle it,
  • 00:50:23.280 --> 00:50:24.290
  • they can fight the temptation.
  • 00:50:24.290 --> 00:50:26.290
  • Why would you want to fight the
  • 00:50:26.290 --> 00:50:28.140
  • temptation?
  • 00:50:28.140 --> 00:50:29.230
  • Why would you want to waste
  • 00:50:29.230 --> 00:50:31.020
  • energy fighting temptation?
  • 00:50:31.020 --> 00:50:32.220
  • A better way is stay away from
  • 00:50:32.220 --> 00:50:34.100
  • it.
  • 00:50:34.100 --> 00:50:35.040
  • A better way is to run from
  • 00:50:35.040 --> 00:50:36.130
  • temptation which is what the
  • 00:50:36.130 --> 00:50:37.250
  • Bible teaches.
  • 00:50:37.250 --> 00:50:38.190
  • And the way you do that is you
  • 00:50:38.190 --> 00:50:39.270
  • build boundaries in your life.
  • 00:50:39.270 --> 00:50:41.200
  • Personally, I will never be
  • 00:50:41.200 --> 00:50:43.180
  • caught in a room with another
  • 00:50:43.180 --> 00:50:45.110
  • woman by ourselves other than
  • 00:50:45.110 --> 00:50:47.130
  • Helen.
  • 00:50:47.130 --> 00:50:48.110
  • I won't be on the phone talking
  • 00:50:48.110 --> 00:50:50.210
  • for any length of time.
  • 00:50:50.210 --> 00:50:51.270
  • I won't be allowing myself to
  • 00:50:51.270 --> 00:50:53.060
  • build a emotional connection
  • 00:50:53.060 --> 00:50:56.030
  • with anyone else other than
  • 00:50:56.030 --> 00:50:57.070
  • Helen.
  • 00:50:57.070 --> 00:50:57.240
  • I love other people but I love
  • 00:50:57.240 --> 00:50:59.090
  • our marriage and I'm no good to
  • 00:50:59.090 --> 00:51:01.150
  • them if I destroy our marriage.
  • 00:51:01.150 --> 00:51:03.020
  • So, we have boundaries and I
  • 00:51:03.020 --> 00:51:05.020
  • think you need to have them.
  • 00:51:05.020 --> 00:51:06.010
  • So, sit down, talk, build those
  • 00:51:06.010 --> 00:51:07.210
  • boundaries.
  • 00:51:07.210 --> 00:51:08.260
  • - Niyah: Ooh, this is good.
  • 00:51:08.260 --> 00:51:10.000
  • We can preach, come on, pastor.
  • 00:51:10.000 --> 00:51:12.030
  • Yes, thank you so, so much,
  • 00:51:12.030 --> 00:51:13.130
  • Pastor John and Helen for all
  • 00:51:13.130 --> 00:51:14.280
  • your wisdom, all your godly
  • 00:51:14.280 --> 00:51:16.030
  • insight.
  • 00:51:16.030 --> 00:51:16.270
  • I'm loving this.
  • 00:51:16.270 --> 00:51:17.260
  • Now, you know, of course we all
  • 00:51:17.260 --> 00:51:19.070
  • love the funny parts of our show
  • 00:51:19.070 --> 00:51:22.030
  • but we also are aware that these
  • 00:51:22.030 --> 00:51:23.140
  • are real issues with real people
  • 00:51:23.140 --> 00:51:25.220
  • that are dealing with them.
  • 00:51:25.220 --> 00:51:26.230
  • Now, if you're concerned about a
  • 00:51:26.230 --> 00:51:27.270
  • friend, or family member, or
  • 00:51:27.270 --> 00:51:29.060
  • even yourself regarding the
  • 00:51:29.060 --> 00:51:30.190
  • topic of healthy boundaries, we
  • 00:51:30.190 --> 00:51:32.170
  • encourage you to reach out and
  • 00:51:32.170 --> 00:51:34.210
  • to talk to someone.
  • 00:51:34.210 --> 00:51:35.250
  • Now, until then be blessed, live
  • 00:51:35.250 --> 00:51:38.160
  • CC by Aberdeen Captioning 1-800-688-6621 www.abercap.com
  • 00:51:49.070 --> 00:51:54.050