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Praise | February 9, 2021

February 9, 2021

55:24

Does your romantic flame need rekindling? Life's changes and challenges demand intentional relationship building to keep the spark alive! Join Laurie Crouch; CeCe Winans; Jamie Ivey; Hosanna Wong; and Dr. Leslie Parrott for a powerful conversation on how to build a marriage that lasts a lifetime.

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Praise | February 9, 2021

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- Marriage isworth fighting for.
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And if we keep Christat the center of it,
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the commitment tolove that we make
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on our wedding day can holdstrong through all seasons.
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Come on, let's talk about it.
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(lively jazz music)
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- [Announcer] Tonight on Praise,
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from across the nation,Laurie Crouch, Cece Winans,
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Jamie Ivey, Dr. LeslieParrott, and Hosanna Wong.
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(lively jazz music)
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"Praise" starts now, andwe're always better together.
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- I don't know about yougirls, but I know, for me,
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learning how to love
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the way I thought lovewas totally different
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when I got married.
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You know, the idea of love, andI totally defer it (laughs).
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The scripture I wannago to is John 13:34.
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And it says, "A newcommandment I give to you,
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that you love one another
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just as I have loved you, youalso are to love one another."
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And I think that's thepart of the scripture
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just as I love you
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that I had to get intomy heart, into my spirit
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after I said I do (laughs)because I kinda went
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into this agreement
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with the kind of worldlydescription of love.
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I will love you,
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I will serve you aslong as you serve me.
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And you love me.
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You know, and the Holyspirit told me right away,
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"You are absolutely wrong.
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(women laughing)
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You are to love yourhusband as I love you."
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And that's a total switch.
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That's a total turn.
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And I think in marriages,we all have to understand
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and learn, relearnwhat love really is.
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I tell people all the time,and I've been married now
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for 36 years, praise the Lord-
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- Hallelujah.- But I tell them
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and they laugh.
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Laurie, you know, I tell themmarriage will either save you
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or make you backslide.
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(women laughing)
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- Or kill you.
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(women laughing)
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- Because you really understand
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that it has to belove is not selfish.
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It's totally selfless.
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It's the total oppositeof what the world,
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what our culture,what our flesh says.
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So I'm gonna open thisup to you, ladies.
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And what about you?
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Did you have to relearnwhat love was all
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about when you said, "Ido," when you got married?
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- The funny thingwas, Les and I dated
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for seven yearsbefore we got married.
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So we thought we were pros
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at this thing andhad it worked out.
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Then we crossed thethreshold to married life.
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And I'll just givethis away quickly
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by saying years later,
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we wrote a book calledsaving your marriage
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before it starts.
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And the first sentence
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of that book is we neverhad pre-marriage counseling,
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but we spent the first yearof our marriage in therapy.
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And that is absolutegospel truth.
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(women laughing)
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You know, it was amazing to ask
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one of the things that happened
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in marriage is thatwe didn't know that.
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You know, we justloved each other
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when we were dating.
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When we got married,
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we suddenly had someunconscious expectations
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about what a loving husbandand a loving wife was like,
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and we didn't always live up
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to each other'sscripts, you know?
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And it was kind of ashock to discover that.
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Someone you thoughtyou knew so well,
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and yet they weren'tmaking you feel loved,
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and the way you werehardwired to love.
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I mean, for me, one ofthe things was just,
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I wasn't a great navigator,
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and I didn't thinkthat mattered.
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My dad did the maps
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in my life growing up,but Les was disappointed
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every time we climbed in a car
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and I didn't do the maps.
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And every little kidlistening to us under 55 goes,
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"What, does that matter?
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You just put it in your phone."
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But we used to live
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in the wild, and itwas crazy out there-
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- Oh, my goodness.- And maps mattered (laughs).
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- And, you know, that'sone of the best ways
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to find out if youreally love your partner,
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to get lost in the car.
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We all know about menand directions andus wanna get there.
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So that's huge if you guysmade it through that (laughs).
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- Oh, man.
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- what about anybody else?
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Anybody else think that, Jamie,
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did you understandhow to express love
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before you got marriedor when you got married?
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- Yeah, I mean, it's so crazy.
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My husband and I will bemarried 20 years this summer.
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And I look back
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to our first probably like10 years of marriage, guys.
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And this was my deal,
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I don't know if anyonecan relate to this.
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I wanted to be like thebest wife there ever was.
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And so, I had thisimaginary trophy
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that I was trying to winevery day, wife of the year.
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Now, looking back, for me,
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I wanted to play thisgame to be the best wife
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because I had a really bigfear of Aaron leaving me.
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I was always afraid thathe was gonna leave me.
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It's weird, and I don't know
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if a lot of peoplestruggled this or not,
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but that was just always there.
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So for me, I wasgoing to love Aaron
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however I needed to do it sothat he would never leave me.
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And about 10 yearsinto our marriage,
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the Holy Spirit was like,"You love Him just for that.
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What about thefact that God says
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we love other peoplebecause I loved you first?"
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And I had this switchin my life, and listen,
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I still wanna be a goodwife, all the things,
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but I want to be a good wife now
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because God loves me so much
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I should in turn lovemy husband so much.
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And so, I kind of had the switch
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and the whole imaginarycontest of wife of the year,
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it doesn't exist.
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There's no ceremony every year.
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I was playing thisreally sick game
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on myself every single day.
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But, Cece, like you were saying,
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I kind of had to learnwhat does love look like
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in a marriage andjust to give it away,
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I think it looks
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about what Jesus talksabout loving all the time.
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It's just now you haveto do it day after day
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after day with the same person,making the same mistakes.
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But I had to kind of redefinewhat it meant to love
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and why I neededto love my husband.
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- And I think that is so huge,
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and I'm sure Dr. Leslie, youcan just jump in anytime,
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since you're the expert on this.
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(women laughing)
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- The expert in therapies.
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(women laughing)
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- But I love whatJamie just said
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because I thinkit's so important
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for us as wives andhusbands to understand
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that loving one anotherout of our own strength
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or just because we wannahave a good marriage,
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or like Jamie was saying,
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so she would bethe best wife ever,
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it's not the right reasonand the right purpose.
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So can you speak on thator somebody, you know,
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'cause I thinkthat's really huge
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and we can help somebodytoday to understand-
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- Yeah, that's huge.
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- Yeah, yeah.
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- You really hitthe nail on the head
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because we all havethis deep longing
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for belonging and security.
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Like you said, you didnot want him to leave you.
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Some of us, you know,our parents are divorced.
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And so, we have a deepanxiety, you know,
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what might happen for me?
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But everyone, no matterwhat your story is,
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even from the bestfamily of origin ever,
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we have a deep compulsion
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for completion and we look toour spouse to make us whole.
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And you're right in sayingonly Jesus can do that.
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And then when we turnour heart that direction,
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it frees us up to have
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a more authentic,playful, genuine love,
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and that's whatblesses our spouse,
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because it's notcoming from our need.
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It's coming as aself-giving gift
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and it's coming freelyand without lots ofstrings attached.
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- [Cece] Wow.
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- You know, the scripturethat you started out with CeCe
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is the one where Jesusis telling His disciples
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about how to love.
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And He says, I'mgonna take, basically,
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this is Laurie lingo,but I'm gonna take
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all the other commandments away
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and just give you one, andthat's to love each other
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like I love you.
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Well then, the next dayHe laid His life down
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for not only the people thatloved Him, but for His enemies.
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And I just thinkthat's so profound.
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And if we can get one person,I used to always say this,
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God gives you one person toreally serve well in your life.
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And I know there's amultitude of others,
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but there is one that reallyis the whole center, I believe,
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of what God wantsto do through us,
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is He gives you your spouse.
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Now, not everybody has to havea spouse, and good for you.
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I think, as Paul says,that's even better
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if you don't have to makeanybody really happy.
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(women laughing)
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That happy.
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- Well, I can speak to that.
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- But isn't that-
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- I can speak to that.
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- Right, okay, please.- I think, for
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the single people.
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Yeah, so I've beenmarried for six years.
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So I've been marriedfor six years,
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I've been married theleast amount of time
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from everyone on here.
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So, because of that,
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I have more recently datedthan anybody on here.
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So I think I'll speak to
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the single people or peoplewho are not married yet.
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But I think when I was dating,
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a mistake that I madeis how I defined love
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when I was dating.
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I was dating boys based on
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who I felt the strongestfeelings for at the time.
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And so, when myfeelings changed, therelationship changed.
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When my feelings changed,my choices changed.
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When my feelings changed,
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and they may or may not havebeen changing all the time,
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then it just changedhow I treated people
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or changed how I was treatingthe boy I was dating.
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So I would say a bigdifference for me
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in what I thought lovewas when I was dating,
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which I can remembervery clearly.
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And how I see love nowmore recently married
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is that I had tolearn to make choices,
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to choose someone,to fight for someone,
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even when I wasn'tfeeling like it,
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to forgive someone andstand beside someone,
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even when my feelingsdidn't line up with that.
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And so, I think it'ssomething that's stronger.
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It's more secure.
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It's more stable because it'srelying on something stronger
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than my feelings.
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Praise the Lord.
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- Praise the Lord.
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(women laughing)
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- That's something that Ilearned differently from dating
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and just picking, youknow, who I wanted to date
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based on how I was feeling
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or how I was treating peoplebased on how I was feeling,
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but then having ahusband realizing
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we're gonna choose each other
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even when I'm notmaking you feel
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like you wannalove me right now,
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this choice thatwe're making actively
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that goes beyond our feelings.
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I think that's what marriagehas kind of changed my mind.
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And I wish I would've knownthat when I was dating.
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- [Cece] Yeah, that's good.
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- That's such a daily thing too.
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I remember my mom tellingme one day she looked at me
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and she said, "Baby," she says,
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"You know that this feeling
00:10:45.401 --> 00:10:47.169
that you have rightnow for Matt, she said,
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you won't feel that everyday of your marriage."
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And I just thought,"Are you and dad
00:10:53.342 --> 00:10:54.410
in trouble or something?"
00:10:54.410 --> 00:10:55.644
(women laughing)
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It was just like, when she said
00:10:56.579 --> 00:10:58.013
that giddy feelingthat you have of love
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is going to not go away,but it's gonna mature
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and it's gonna not be
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like what you'rethinking about today.
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You're not alwaysgonna have that.
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And even being married36 years this year,
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it is a daily choice.
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It is a daily surrendering.
00:11:15.698 --> 00:11:18.701
And I think probablyone of the things
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that I've learnedmost in marriage,
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and Leslie, youcan speak to this,
00:11:23.906 --> 00:11:25.741
is to learn how to lovesomeone and not necessarily,
00:11:25.741 --> 00:11:31.881
I don't wanna say be loved,
00:11:32.481 --> 00:11:34.350
but we have got to learnwhat makes our partners tick
00:11:34.350 --> 00:11:39.021
instead of always needing
00:11:39.021 --> 00:11:41.190
to show you how Ineed to be loved.
00:11:41.190 --> 00:11:43.526
- Right.- Is that correct?
00:11:43.526 --> 00:11:45.528
- Absolutely.
00:11:45.528 --> 00:11:46.462
That's so wise, Laurie.
00:11:46.462 --> 00:11:48.197
I mean, in my marriage, Imarried this guy who'd grown up
00:11:48.197 --> 00:11:51.233
in a household of brothers.
00:11:51.233 --> 00:11:52.701
And basically, his lovelanguage is sarcasm,
00:11:52.701 --> 00:11:56.572
because that's what they did.
00:11:56.572 --> 00:11:57.940
They loved each that way.
00:11:57.940 --> 00:11:59.375
And mine is wordsof affirmation.
00:11:59.375 --> 00:12:02.645
So you can see the gap there.
00:12:02.645 --> 00:12:04.079
You know, so (laughs)I had to learn-
00:12:04.079 --> 00:12:07.249
- That's me and Matt.
00:12:07.249 --> 00:12:08.350
- Get a tough skin and get
00:12:08.350 --> 00:12:10.419
a little bit moreplayful and bold,
00:12:10.419 --> 00:12:12.621
but I had to learn to love
00:12:12.621 --> 00:12:14.423
even when I thought,just sweet talk to me.
00:12:14.423 --> 00:12:18.194
And there wasn'tsweet talk coming.
00:12:18.194 --> 00:12:19.895
It was all what the guys do.
00:12:19.895 --> 00:12:22.865
You know, and that'swhat the deal is.
00:12:22.865 --> 00:12:25.434
It's the choosing it even whenyou're not getting it back
00:12:25.434 --> 00:12:30.706
your way in a waythat fills your cup.
00:12:31.540 --> 00:12:33.309
And we couldn't do itwithout the Holy Spirit.
00:12:33.309 --> 00:12:36.178
Could we?
00:12:36.178 --> 00:12:37.613
We literally can't do it withoutthe Holy Spirit (laughs).
00:12:37.613 --> 00:12:40.182
- I love what all you guysare saying, this is so good.
00:12:40.182 --> 00:12:42.852
We can stay here.
00:12:42.852 --> 00:12:45.254
But when you weretalking about loving,
00:12:46.121 --> 00:12:48.624
because how many of us give love
00:12:48.624 --> 00:12:51.227
the way we wanna receive it?
00:12:51.227 --> 00:12:53.629
Now we should all lovethe way God loves,
00:12:54.496 --> 00:12:57.066
but Dr. Leslie,you said something
00:12:57.066 --> 00:12:58.934
about your husbandgrowing up with brothers.
00:12:58.934 --> 00:13:00.936
Well, I grew upwith seven brothers.
00:13:00.936 --> 00:13:03.005
And all sarcastic,all of us, you know.
00:13:03.005 --> 00:13:07.009
The whole Winans clan.
00:13:07.009 --> 00:13:08.544
So coming into my marriage,
00:13:08.544 --> 00:13:11.046
the first thing I had torealize was he is not a Winans.
00:13:11.046 --> 00:13:14.683
He's a Love.
00:13:14.683 --> 00:13:15.818
Actually, my last name is Love.
00:13:15.818 --> 00:13:17.519
So I had to get thisthing right, you know?
00:13:17.519 --> 00:13:19.922
And I had to realizethat the way I grew up
00:13:20.823 --> 00:13:24.526
or how I expected, hisway was totally different.
00:13:24.526 --> 00:13:28.931
You know, so that is somethingthat I think a lot of people,
00:13:28.931 --> 00:13:32.668
it throws them a curve becausethis is the way I receive it,
00:13:32.668 --> 00:13:36.171
this is the way I like it.
00:13:36.171 --> 00:13:38.207
But your partner canbe totally different.
00:13:38.207 --> 00:13:40.509
And so, that's whywe have to learn.
00:13:40.509 --> 00:13:43.212
The Bible says oneof the scriptures
00:13:43.212 --> 00:13:44.947
in the Bible tellsthe husband to dwell
00:13:44.947 --> 00:13:47.149
with your wife accordingto knowledge, you know?
00:13:47.149 --> 00:13:51.387
And so, a lot oftimes, and Laura,
00:13:51.387 --> 00:13:53.722
you talked abouthaving that one person,
00:13:53.722 --> 00:13:55.824
and God knew that you reallyhave to study a person
00:13:55.824 --> 00:13:59.528
if you're gonna love them well.
00:13:59.528 --> 00:14:01.864
And I don't know about y'all,
00:14:01.864 --> 00:14:04.233
but I'm like Leslie, we didn'thave premarital counseling.
00:14:04.233 --> 00:14:07.803
That's why to thisday, if the people
00:14:07.803 --> 00:14:09.939
at our church say theydon't wanna go through it,
00:14:09.939 --> 00:14:11.740
it's like, "Well, I'mnot marrying you,"
00:14:11.740 --> 00:14:13.642
'cause you know what,premarital counseling
00:14:13.642 --> 00:14:15.544
it's really a great thing thatyou can make it without it,
00:14:15.544 --> 00:14:20.849
but why when you can go in
00:14:21.417 --> 00:14:23.052
with more wisdomand more knowledge,
00:14:23.052 --> 00:14:25.354
so your marriage canstick and can stay.
00:14:25.354 --> 00:14:28.390
But learning how to lovesomeone else, it's just,
00:14:28.390 --> 00:14:33.128
I think a lot of peopledon't even realize
00:14:33.128 --> 00:14:35.164
that when they say I do.
00:14:35.164 --> 00:14:36.432
- That's right.- Yeah.
00:14:36.432 --> 00:14:37.967
You know what I found CeCe,when you talk about learning
00:14:37.967 --> 00:14:40.102
how your spouseneeds to be loved
00:14:40.102 --> 00:14:42.004
is, you know, the longerwe've been married,
00:14:42.004 --> 00:14:44.473
the easier it is for meto slack in that area.
00:14:44.473 --> 00:14:48.210
We have four kids.
00:14:48.210 --> 00:14:49.345
We each have jobs.
00:14:49.345 --> 00:14:50.813
We work in ministry,all of the things.
00:14:50.813 --> 00:14:53.482
And the first thing usuallyto go is for me to realize
00:14:53.482 --> 00:14:57.453
how does Aaron need to be loved?
00:14:57.453 --> 00:14:59.655
And you know what, heneeds words of affirmation.
00:14:59.655 --> 00:15:01.457
And you know what, sometimesI don't have very much of
00:15:01.457 --> 00:15:03.559
at the end of theday, some nice words.
00:15:03.559 --> 00:15:05.227
I just need to getsome stuff done
00:15:05.227 --> 00:15:06.829
and get the kids where theyneed to be and all the things.
00:15:06.829 --> 00:15:09.365
And I have to remember thatthis is how he feels love.
00:15:09.365 --> 00:15:13.602
And so, I think like eveninvesting in your marriage,
00:15:13.602 --> 00:15:16.071
and like you said, likelearning your spouse
00:15:16.071 --> 00:15:17.806
in that knowledge, itfeels like it takes work.
00:15:17.806 --> 00:15:21.410
But I think it does take work.
00:15:21.410 --> 00:15:22.878
I think marriage takeswork and love takes work.
00:15:22.878 --> 00:15:25.180
And love is a choice.
00:15:25.180 --> 00:15:26.248
Love is an action.
00:15:26.248 --> 00:15:27.516
All of these thingswe have to remember.
00:15:27.516 --> 00:15:28.751
And so, I love itwhen Aaron loves me
00:15:28.751 --> 00:15:31.186
the way I like to be loved.
00:15:31.186 --> 00:15:32.554
And so, it's a joy
00:15:32.554 --> 00:15:34.790
for me to love him theway he wants to be loved.
00:15:34.790 --> 00:15:37.760
- That's beautiful.- That is awesome.
00:15:37.760 --> 00:15:39.461
- So there's a book calledthe "Love Languages"
00:15:39.461 --> 00:15:41.764
by Dr. Gary Chapman.
00:15:41.764 --> 00:15:43.832
And it's been aroundfor almost 30 years now.
00:15:43.832 --> 00:15:47.736
And Matt and I just read it
00:15:47.736 --> 00:15:49.605
in the last coupleof years (laughs).
00:15:49.605 --> 00:15:51.807
- [Cece] You're ahead of us.
00:15:51.807 --> 00:15:53.242
(women laughing)
00:15:53.242 --> 00:15:56.745
- So this is why.- So he talks about
00:15:56.745 --> 00:15:57.746
the love languages.
00:15:57.746 --> 00:15:59.681
Yeah, yeah.
00:15:59.681 --> 00:16:00.649
And there's five of them.
00:16:00.649 --> 00:16:02.151
One is words of affirmation,quality time, physical touch,
00:16:02.151 --> 00:16:06.755
acts of service,and receiving gifts.
00:16:06.755 --> 00:16:09.358
So normally, hesaid for 10 years,
00:16:09.358 --> 00:16:11.727
he had done marriage counseling,
00:16:11.727 --> 00:16:13.328
and basically, all theproblems boiled down
00:16:13.328 --> 00:16:17.132
to these questions.
00:16:17.132 --> 00:16:18.200
You can love someone
00:16:18.200 --> 00:16:20.502
and give them gifts thinkingthat's their love language.
00:16:20.502 --> 00:16:24.273
And that's okay.
00:16:24.273 --> 00:16:25.707
Some people just want to agood, you know what, I'm sorry.
00:16:25.707 --> 00:16:28.844
And I think you're a great wife.
00:16:28.844 --> 00:16:31.747
So sometimes Ithink we're speaking
00:16:31.747 --> 00:16:33.682
the wrong languageto each other.
00:16:33.682 --> 00:16:35.517
Matt's is probably quality time.
00:16:35.517 --> 00:16:37.853
I probably didn't knowthat, because we're together
00:16:37.853 --> 00:16:40.923
so much of the time.
00:16:40.923 --> 00:16:43.225
We're always together.
00:16:43.725 --> 00:16:45.160
And so, I wouldn't think that.
00:16:45.160 --> 00:16:48.130
I would probably almostsay that letting him go,
00:16:48.130 --> 00:16:52.101
you know, hang out with the guys
00:16:52.101 --> 00:16:53.669
for a while wouldbe good for him,
00:16:53.669 --> 00:16:56.939
not thinking ofmyself, of course,
00:16:56.939 --> 00:16:58.774
but of him to getaway for a minute,
00:16:58.774 --> 00:17:01.410
but he wants to be together.
00:17:01.410 --> 00:17:03.145
He likes that qualitytime together.
00:17:03.145 --> 00:17:05.547
And I think if we just learnhow to talk their language
00:17:05.547 --> 00:17:09.051
instead of talking tothem in our language.
00:17:09.051 --> 00:17:11.854
And there's so many good books.
00:17:11.854 --> 00:17:14.423
You know, Leslie, youguy's book on marriage,
00:17:14.423 --> 00:17:17.526
"Saving Your MarriageBefore It Starts".
00:17:17.526 --> 00:17:19.862
And I encourage anybodyto get that and read it.
00:17:19.862 --> 00:17:23.932
Even after you're married,there's beautiful books
00:17:23.932 --> 00:17:26.902
so much good content from somany good people on marriages.
00:17:26.902 --> 00:17:30.606
- Well, I appreciatethat, Laurie.
00:17:30.606 --> 00:17:33.242
The main thing isjust everything we do,
00:17:33.242 --> 00:17:36.278
whether it's Gary Chapman'sbook, which we absolutely love,
00:17:36.278 --> 00:17:39.548
he's an amazing guy,
00:17:39.548 --> 00:17:41.583
whether it's "Saving YourMarriage Before It Starts",
00:17:41.583 --> 00:17:44.586
there are so many good books,
00:17:44.586 --> 00:17:46.588
but seek the knowledge,
00:17:46.588 --> 00:17:48.090
and that discernment,and the insight.
00:17:48.090 --> 00:17:50.425
And we do know that itmakes a huge difference
00:17:50.425 --> 00:17:52.928
because you start to realize,
00:17:52.928 --> 00:17:54.830
oh, this isn't ourpersonal problem.
00:17:54.830 --> 00:17:57.299
This is a relationship dynamicthat everybody navigates,
00:17:57.299 --> 00:18:02.037
and there's notsomething wrong with us.
00:18:02.037 --> 00:18:04.306
We can grow.
00:18:04.306 --> 00:18:05.274
So it just opens a window
00:18:05.274 --> 00:18:06.775
of grace and it gives youfresh insight, fresh tools,
00:18:06.775 --> 00:18:11.146
a better sense of humor,
00:18:11.146 --> 00:18:12.514
and it does changemarriages to the word.
00:18:12.514 --> 00:18:15.684
- Right, and I thinkthat's awesome, Dr. Leslie,
00:18:15.684 --> 00:18:19.521
in encouraging couples toinvest in their marriage.
00:18:19.521 --> 00:18:22.824
You know, we investin everything else
00:18:22.824 --> 00:18:25.060
and we just thinkwe're gonna get
00:18:25.060 --> 00:18:26.395
this thing right without help.
00:18:26.395 --> 00:18:28.197
And it's not gonna happenlike that (laughs).
00:18:28.197 --> 00:18:30.899
But get the books, goto the conferences,
00:18:31.800 --> 00:18:34.236
have mentors in your life.
00:18:34.236 --> 00:18:36.405
So I remember going to ourfirst marriage conference.
00:18:37.472 --> 00:18:40.075
Alvin and I had beenmarried, I think,
00:18:40.075 --> 00:18:41.376
for 11 years before we went
00:18:41.376 --> 00:18:42.811
to our firstmarriage conference..
00:18:42.811 --> 00:18:44.746
And going into the conference,
00:18:44.746 --> 00:18:46.882
we thought we hada good marriage.
00:18:46.882 --> 00:18:48.517
(Cece laughs)
00:18:48.517 --> 00:18:50.986
But when we got there wewere like, "Oh, my God."
00:18:50.986 --> 00:18:53.222
I said, "Did I say,'I do,' to that?"
00:18:53.222 --> 00:18:56.191
I was like in shock.
00:18:56.658 --> 00:18:58.727
They started talkingabout real love.
00:18:58.727 --> 00:19:00.495
And I remember mypastor talking about,
00:19:00.495 --> 00:19:03.799
and this, to thisday, I could cry,
00:19:03.799 --> 00:19:05.968
you know, from thisparticular statement.
00:19:05.968 --> 00:19:08.637
He was saying that ifhis wife had left him,
00:19:08.637 --> 00:19:13.275
God forbid, if shewas to ever leave him,
00:19:13.275 --> 00:19:15.911
but he said, "If she left meand decided to sell her body",
00:19:15.911 --> 00:19:20.782
he said, "I would goand spend all my money
00:19:21.683 --> 00:19:25.520
buying up all her time."
00:19:25.520 --> 00:19:27.456
Because her soul was moreimportant than his flesh.
00:19:28.523 --> 00:19:32.294
Her soul was more important
00:19:32.294 --> 00:19:35.030
than what he was going through.
00:19:35.030 --> 00:19:40.002
I'll never forget that.
00:19:40.002 --> 00:19:41.270
And he was weeping,and it was just like,
00:19:41.270 --> 00:19:43.372
that's how you're supposedto love your mate.
00:19:43.372 --> 00:19:45.274
And at that time I just said,
00:19:45.274 --> 00:19:47.442
"Well, I am just not thinking.
00:19:47.442 --> 00:19:50.612
Lord help me."
00:19:50.979 --> 00:19:52.414
But I left out of there saying,
00:19:52.414 --> 00:19:54.416
my husband and I saying,"Oh, we're so glad we went."
00:19:54.416 --> 00:19:57.619
And we received thetools that we needed
00:19:57.619 --> 00:20:00.322
to take our marriageto another level.
00:20:00.322 --> 00:20:04.393
And it's justamazing when you say,
00:20:04.393 --> 00:20:06.662
"You know what, it's okayto say, 'I don't know.
00:20:06.662 --> 00:20:09.298
It's okay to say, Ineed to do better.
00:20:09.298 --> 00:20:11.566
I don't have it.'"
00:20:11.566 --> 00:20:12.834
'Cause, again, whenwe're honest with God
00:20:12.834 --> 00:20:14.903
and we're honest with our mates,
00:20:14.903 --> 00:20:16.672
then that opens the door andthe opportunity to improve.
00:20:16.672 --> 00:20:20.208
And so, you can havethe best marriage ever,
00:20:20.208 --> 00:20:23.745
you know, have the marriagethat God has called us to have.
00:20:23.745 --> 00:20:26.114
I think it's possiblefor everybody,
00:20:26.114 --> 00:20:27.983
but you gotta be willingto invest in it, you know.
00:20:27.983 --> 00:20:31.086
- I wanna circleback to something
00:20:31.086 --> 00:20:32.587
that Jamie said somethingreally powerful earlier,
00:20:32.587 --> 00:20:35.657
where she said, "I have cometo realize that it is my joy
00:20:35.657 --> 00:20:40.562
to love my husband well,
00:20:40.562 --> 00:20:42.097
and it is his joy tolove me well," right?
00:20:42.097 --> 00:20:44.499
Is that what you said, Jamie?
00:20:44.499 --> 00:20:45.600
- Mm-hmm.- You realize that-
00:20:45.600 --> 00:20:47.135
- Something like that,that sounds great.
00:20:47.135 --> 00:20:48.103
- He wants to love you well.
00:20:48.103 --> 00:20:49.671
Does that sound good, yeah!
00:20:49.671 --> 00:20:50.605
It was great, Jamie.
00:20:50.605 --> 00:20:51.773
We're co-writing this together.
00:20:51.773 --> 00:20:54.109
But you're saying like,"He wants to love me well,
00:20:54.109 --> 00:20:56.378
and I want to love him well."
00:20:56.378 --> 00:20:57.846
And that is so powerful to me,
00:20:57.846 --> 00:21:00.082
because it shows us that atool for us in our marriages,
00:21:00.082 --> 00:21:03.585
in our dating relationships orin any of our relationships,
00:21:03.585 --> 00:21:06.488
in any of our friendshipsfor us to love well
00:21:06.488 --> 00:21:09.591
and be loved well is to set
00:21:09.591 --> 00:21:11.159
each other up for success.
00:21:11.159 --> 00:21:13.228
To say, this is what make mefeel loved on this holiday,
00:21:13.228 --> 00:21:17.265
not to make people gothrough a guessing game.
00:21:17.265 --> 00:21:19.167
Like, this is what I wantfor my birthday, Husband.
00:21:19.167 --> 00:21:21.970
This is what I would like forValentine's Day, Boyfriend.
00:21:21.970 --> 00:21:25.107
Hey, friends, it's abig anniversary for me.
00:21:25.107 --> 00:21:27.609
This is what Iwould like us to do.
00:21:27.609 --> 00:21:29.077
For us to realize thatpeople want to love us well,
00:21:29.077 --> 00:21:32.547
and we can set themup for success,
00:21:32.547 --> 00:21:35.050
not make them havea guessing game
00:21:35.050 --> 00:21:36.685
but realize it istheir joy to love us
00:21:36.685 --> 00:21:39.287
and it is our joy to love them.
00:21:39.287 --> 00:21:40.789
So where we can love them wellis set them up for success,
00:21:40.789 --> 00:21:43.325
set them up, let them spike.
00:21:43.325 --> 00:21:45.127
Hey, my love, don't forget,
00:21:45.127 --> 00:21:46.762
this holiday is veryimportant to me.
00:21:46.762 --> 00:21:48.663
I'm gonna set youup for success.
00:21:48.663 --> 00:21:49.898
This is what I would like.
00:21:49.898 --> 00:21:51.166
And let them love us.
00:21:51.166 --> 00:21:53.168
Well, they want to, and wecan help each other out.
00:21:53.168 --> 00:21:55.337
- Yeah.- Yeah, that's awesome.
00:21:55.337 --> 00:21:56.705
That's awesome.
00:21:56.705 --> 00:21:58.240
And I think it's so importantthat what you girls are saying
00:21:58.240 --> 00:22:01.710
is that we'reintentional about it.
00:22:01.710 --> 00:22:03.345
I think as women, we'vewatched too many movies,
00:22:03.345 --> 00:22:06.248
too many soap operas, you know,
00:22:06.248 --> 00:22:08.517
where we think the musicis gonna play (laughs)
00:22:08.517 --> 00:22:11.620
or we just assume
00:22:11.620 --> 00:22:14.089
that our husbands knowthis, and we assume this
00:22:14.089 --> 00:22:17.159
and we assume that.
00:22:17.159 --> 00:22:18.393
When Hosanna when you just said,
00:22:18.393 --> 00:22:20.595
"I asked him," you know,
00:22:20.595 --> 00:22:22.497
communication andtalking it through
00:22:22.497 --> 00:22:25.467
is how you're gonna havemore romantic moments,
00:22:25.467 --> 00:22:29.704
by actually planning andhaving those boundaries.
00:22:29.704 --> 00:22:34.843
- Yeah, and you know something,
00:22:35.477 --> 00:22:36.445
even Hosanna was talking about,
00:22:36.445 --> 00:22:38.346
setting someone up to fail,
00:22:38.346 --> 00:22:40.415
or you were sayingtell them what you want
00:22:40.415 --> 00:22:43.485
so that they don't fail.
00:22:43.485 --> 00:22:44.953
And I think a lot of times,I don't know about you,
00:22:44.953 --> 00:22:47.856
but I know that, you know,selfishness is probably
00:22:47.856 --> 00:22:51.760
the worst thing that cancome into your marriage.
00:22:51.760 --> 00:22:54.162
If you are selfish, youhave a long row to hoe.
00:22:54.162 --> 00:22:58.633
And I think a lot of us know
00:22:58.633 --> 00:23:03.905
how to, I heard someone say,
00:23:04.506 --> 00:23:05.807
"Well, I know how topush her buttons."
00:23:05.807 --> 00:23:08.143
And I thought, and he'stalking about his wife,
00:23:08.143 --> 00:23:10.145
and I thought, "Well,why in the world
00:23:10.145 --> 00:23:11.379
would you wannapush her buttons?"
00:23:11.379 --> 00:23:13.081
You should be the last one
00:23:13.081 --> 00:23:15.083
that should bepushing her buttons.
00:23:15.083 --> 00:23:17.152
You know, you shouldbe protecting thatand not doing that.
00:23:17.152 --> 00:23:22.491
And I think a lot of peoplelet selfishness come in
00:23:23.558 --> 00:23:28.763
and then they just kind ofset their spouse up to fail.
00:23:29.865 --> 00:23:34.169
And I think that's soornery, that's so unfair.
00:23:34.169 --> 00:23:39.574
And I think we should talkabout that a little more.
00:23:40.642 --> 00:23:43.044
Leslie, I think the numberone 'cause for divorce,
00:23:43.044 --> 00:23:47.382
I've heard, isunmet expectations,
00:23:47.382 --> 00:23:50.485
that I married him
00:23:50.485 --> 00:23:53.555
and I thought hewas gonna do this,
00:23:53.555 --> 00:23:55.423
and I thought hewas gonna do that,
00:23:55.423 --> 00:23:56.825
and I thought thiswas gonna happen.
00:23:56.825 --> 00:23:58.560
And most of the time
00:23:58.560 --> 00:23:59.861
those things don'thappen in a marriage.
00:23:59.861 --> 00:24:02.531
And so, we just say,"Ah, forget it."
00:24:02.531 --> 00:24:06.568
And all that angst about,they're not fulfilling me
00:24:06.568 --> 00:24:11.973
like I thought itwas gonna happen.
00:24:12.774 --> 00:24:14.376
- Right, they're notmeeting my needs.
00:24:14.376 --> 00:24:16.411
And often, our expectationsare even unconscious.
00:24:16.411 --> 00:24:20.682
So there's that point.
00:24:20.682 --> 00:24:21.783
I mean, Hosanna was so good
00:24:21.783 --> 00:24:23.051
about saying I didthis magic thing.
00:24:23.051 --> 00:24:24.986
And I said, I justasked directly.
00:24:24.986 --> 00:24:28.156
Les and I though,
00:24:28.156 --> 00:24:29.891
sometimes you acknowledgethat, you know,
00:24:29.891 --> 00:24:33.128
you don't always know
00:24:33.628 --> 00:24:35.163
on a conscious level whatit is you're even feeling.
00:24:35.163 --> 00:24:37.132
So we have a little trick,we'll sometimes say, you know,
00:24:37.132 --> 00:24:40.135
I'd like to just kind ofread your mind right now
00:24:40.135 --> 00:24:43.038
because we're alwaysperceiving things,
00:24:43.038 --> 00:24:46.408
and sometimes we're right on
00:24:46.408 --> 00:24:47.976
and other time thatwe're totally dead wrong.
00:24:47.976 --> 00:24:50.745
And so, we'll just say it.
00:24:50.745 --> 00:24:52.013
We'll just make it clear.
00:24:52.013 --> 00:24:53.248
Okay, I wanna readyour mind right now.
00:24:53.248 --> 00:24:54.749
You're really frustratedwith me because X, Y, and Z.
00:24:54.749 --> 00:24:59.287
And then they go,"Okay, you nailed it."
00:24:59.287 --> 00:25:01.256
Or they say, "I don't evenknow what you're talking about.
00:25:01.256 --> 00:25:03.258
I'm totally distracted
00:25:03.258 --> 00:25:04.693
'cause I had a difficultconference call with my work."
00:25:04.693 --> 00:25:08.229
And I'm like, "Oh, my goodness,
00:25:08.229 --> 00:25:09.531
I thought that was me."
00:25:09.531 --> 00:25:11.199
And he's like, "No, that'snothing to do with you."
00:25:11.199 --> 00:25:15.570
And so, then you're like,"Oh, and it's magical,"
00:25:15.570 --> 00:25:18.940
but it's only magical whenyou read each other's minds
00:25:18.940 --> 00:25:21.810
after you've said, Iwanna read your mind
00:25:21.810 --> 00:25:24.412
and you're nottrying to play a game
00:25:24.412 --> 00:25:26.381
where you're guessingabout each other.
00:25:26.381 --> 00:25:28.917
So, that can really help.
00:25:28.917 --> 00:25:30.118
Sometimes it's thosedeep unmet expectations.
00:25:30.118 --> 00:25:34.923
You're right.
00:25:35.290 --> 00:25:36.691
We hold each other accountablefor meeting our needs
00:25:36.691 --> 00:25:38.760
in a way that isn'teven humanly possible.
00:25:38.760 --> 00:25:42.797
And it takes a kindof love that is...
00:25:42.797 --> 00:25:45.767
You know, one ofmy favorite quotes
00:25:45.767 --> 00:25:48.036
from a writer is that "earthis forgiveness school".
00:25:48.036 --> 00:25:51.973
And I like to change it tomarriage is forgiveness school.
00:25:51.973 --> 00:25:55.777
It's just about grace, grace,grace every single day.
00:25:55.777 --> 00:26:01.049
- [Cece] Amen, amen.
00:26:01.516 --> 00:26:02.517
- You know, it's funny,
00:26:02.517 --> 00:26:03.718
that you're talkingabout the expectations,
00:26:03.718 --> 00:26:05.153
and I think that issomething that is so true.
00:26:05.153 --> 00:26:07.255
And I'll give you an examplethat just recently happened.
00:26:07.255 --> 00:26:09.791
Whenever I would flyin from out of town,
00:26:09.791 --> 00:26:12.394
I always wished thatAaron would say,
00:26:12.394 --> 00:26:14.229
"Hey why don't we justmeet for a date night?"
00:26:14.229 --> 00:26:16.665
And he never did.
00:26:16.665 --> 00:26:17.599
I just always would come home.
00:26:17.599 --> 00:26:19.100
And so, finally, I said,"Hey, I'm coming in town,
00:26:19.100 --> 00:26:22.437
I land at 6:00.
00:26:22.437 --> 00:26:23.705
You think we couldmeet for a date?"
00:26:23.705 --> 00:26:25.173
And he goes, "Oh, my gosh,that sounds amazing."
00:26:25.173 --> 00:26:26.775
And I thought to myself,
00:26:26.775 --> 00:26:28.043
if I would've justsaid that, you know,
00:26:28.043 --> 00:26:29.711
the last five times I flew in
00:26:29.711 --> 00:26:31.479
and wished so badly thathe would just suggest
00:26:31.479 --> 00:26:33.882
and take me out on a date-
00:26:33.882 --> 00:26:35.050
- Just do it.
00:26:35.050 --> 00:26:36.518
- Why didn't I just tell himthat's what I wanted him to do.
00:26:36.518 --> 00:26:38.019
So finally, when Idid tell him, guys,
00:26:38.019 --> 00:26:40.789
guess what, we'regoing on a date tonight
00:26:40.789 --> 00:26:42.624
when I land back in town,and I'm so happy about it.
00:26:42.624 --> 00:26:45.427
And all I neededto do was tell him
00:26:45.427 --> 00:26:48.029
that that's what I wanted.
00:26:48.029 --> 00:26:49.531
And I think so many times,we have these expectations,
00:26:49.531 --> 00:26:52.133
and we think if they just knew,
00:26:52.133 --> 00:26:53.668
if they loved me,
00:26:53.668 --> 00:26:54.936
they would do whatI want them to do.
00:26:54.936 --> 00:26:56.938
And actually, it should beturned like if they love me,
00:26:56.938 --> 00:26:59.441
they're gonna hearwhat I wanna say.
00:26:59.441 --> 00:27:00.875
And they're gonnasay, "Yes, of course,
00:27:00.875 --> 00:27:02.343
I would wanna do that.
00:27:02.343 --> 00:27:03.578
Of course, I wanna goon a date with you."
00:27:03.578 --> 00:27:05.013
And so, I let himknow my expectations,
00:27:05.013 --> 00:27:08.316
and we're gonna go on a date,and I'm so happy about it.
00:27:08.316 --> 00:27:11.086
(Cece laughs)
00:27:11.086 --> 00:27:11.920
- That is awesome.
00:27:11.920 --> 00:27:12.754
(women laughing)
00:27:12.754 --> 00:27:14.022
- Congratulations.
00:27:14.022 --> 00:27:15.123
- That is awesome.
00:27:15.123 --> 00:27:17.258
It is awesome.
00:27:17.258 --> 00:27:19.294
I mean, there's somany books out there
00:27:20.128 --> 00:27:23.398
that are there to explain
00:27:23.398 --> 00:27:27.736
to us that first ofall, we're just wired up
00:27:27.736 --> 00:27:30.238
totally differentthan our husbands,
00:27:30.238 --> 00:27:32.307
and it's by God's design.
00:27:32.874 --> 00:27:35.376
They're not designedto feel what we feel,
00:27:36.277 --> 00:27:38.413
they're not designed.
00:27:38.413 --> 00:27:39.881
And so, I think it's soimportant that we understand
00:27:39.881 --> 00:27:43.218
that our marriage is, we'repart of God's Kingdom.
00:27:43.218 --> 00:27:46.221
So we can't take ourcues from the world.
00:27:46.221 --> 00:27:48.423
We can't take ourcues from our culture.
00:27:48.423 --> 00:27:50.859
We have to go backto the word of God
00:27:50.859 --> 00:27:53.261
so that we can build a marriage
00:27:53.261 --> 00:27:54.996
that's gonna last, that'sgonna reflect His glory,
00:27:54.996 --> 00:27:57.832
because the soonerthat we embrace,
00:27:57.832 --> 00:28:01.169
actually embrace being humble,
00:28:01.169 --> 00:28:04.339
actually embraceloving your mate
00:28:04.339 --> 00:28:07.275
as Christ loves you,actually embrace, you know,
00:28:07.275 --> 00:28:12.180
being willing to takedown, actually embrace it,
00:28:12.180 --> 00:28:15.984
really, God's way of loving,
00:28:16.584 --> 00:28:18.787
the sooner we're going to befulfilled in our marriages.
00:28:18.787 --> 00:28:22.690
It takes humility to askfor what you want, you know?
00:28:23.758 --> 00:28:28.930
And when you do that, you know,
00:28:29.564 --> 00:28:31.499
the only person wholoses is the enemy.
00:28:31.499 --> 00:28:34.068
You win.
00:28:34.068 --> 00:28:35.003
Your husband, your kids win,
00:28:35.003 --> 00:28:37.172
if we would just embracemarriage God's way.
00:28:37.172 --> 00:28:40.875
- Yeah, I love whatyou're saying, Cece,
00:28:40.875 --> 00:28:42.544
about embracing ourspouses in the role
00:28:42.544 --> 00:28:46.514
that they were meant to play,but not putting expectations
00:28:46.514 --> 00:28:49.851
on them that they were nevercreated to fulfill, right?
00:28:49.851 --> 00:28:53.087
Because our spouse is notmeant to be our savior.
00:28:53.087 --> 00:28:56.424
And that's important forus to know in marriage,
00:28:56.424 --> 00:28:58.726
and it's importantfor us to know
00:28:58.726 --> 00:29:00.195
while we're dating thatwe're not ultimately looking
00:29:00.195 --> 00:29:03.364
for someone to fulfillour greatest needs,
00:29:03.364 --> 00:29:07.035
to tell us who we are,what we're created to do,
00:29:07.035 --> 00:29:09.137
to give us ouridentity, our security,
00:29:09.137 --> 00:29:10.772
or our purpose, that canonly come from Jesus Christ.
00:29:10.772 --> 00:29:14.242
And so, we are notlooking for a savior.
00:29:14.242 --> 00:29:17.278
We're looking for a partner.
00:29:17.278 --> 00:29:19.180
We're looking for a partnerwho serves the same savior.
00:29:19.180 --> 00:29:22.317
And hopefully, at our best,
00:29:22.317 --> 00:29:23.852
we help them be the bestversion of themselves
00:29:23.852 --> 00:29:26.521
and help them accomplishwhat God's called them to do.
00:29:26.521 --> 00:29:28.656
And hopefully, at theirbest, they're helping us be
00:29:28.656 --> 00:29:31.025
the best version of ourselves
00:29:31.025 --> 00:29:32.427
and helping us accomplishwhat we wanna do.
00:29:32.427 --> 00:29:34.495
But ultimately, oncewe find them, you know,
00:29:34.495 --> 00:29:36.764
we're never lookingfor a savior.
00:29:36.764 --> 00:29:39.300
We already found a savior.
00:29:39.300 --> 00:29:40.869
So all the weight of the worlds
00:29:40.869 --> 00:29:42.503
and all the expectationsare not on this one person.
00:29:42.503 --> 00:29:45.673
This spouse is not my savior.
00:29:45.673 --> 00:29:47.675
This spouse is my partner.
00:29:47.675 --> 00:29:49.477
My husband and I metabout nine years ago.
00:29:49.477 --> 00:29:53.147
I was traveling, ministering,
00:29:53.147 --> 00:29:55.783
performing spoken wordpoetry and preaching,
00:29:55.783 --> 00:29:58.119
living out of hotel rooms
00:29:58.119 --> 00:29:59.587
and guest rooms for aboutfour and a half years.
00:29:59.587 --> 00:30:01.022
So, clearly, I was a hotcommodity who doesn't wanna be
00:30:01.022 --> 00:30:05.059
with this barely washed poet,
00:30:05.059 --> 00:30:07.862
but I was invited toperform at a church,
00:30:07.862 --> 00:30:12.200
and there was a very goodlooking worship leader,
00:30:12.200 --> 00:30:15.470
and I noticed.
00:30:15.470 --> 00:30:18.006
I met him there at this event,
00:30:18.640 --> 00:30:20.174
and I really respected him,how he led his volunteers,
00:30:20.174 --> 00:30:24.646
how he treated otherJesus followers,
00:30:24.646 --> 00:30:28.016
and how he treated his church.
00:30:28.016 --> 00:30:29.117
I really respected him
00:30:29.117 --> 00:30:30.652
like I had respected otherrelationships on the road.
00:30:30.652 --> 00:30:33.254
And I guess I took note of it.
00:30:33.254 --> 00:30:35.223
And about a year later, I wasministering at a nearby state
00:30:35.223 --> 00:30:40.561
and he drove fivehours to come see me
00:30:41.396 --> 00:30:43.498
and took me out todinner and said,
00:30:43.498 --> 00:30:45.033
"You know, ever since youministered at our church,
00:30:45.033 --> 00:30:47.001
I kind of haven't gotyou out of my head.
00:30:47.001 --> 00:30:49.170
And I just want you to knowthat I'm attracted to you.
00:30:49.170 --> 00:30:52.840
And I know youtravel all the time,
00:30:52.840 --> 00:30:55.176
and what it wouldtake to be with you,
00:30:55.176 --> 00:30:57.278
and what it would taketo partner with you.
00:30:57.278 --> 00:30:59.480
And I just want you to knowI think I could be that man.
00:30:59.480 --> 00:31:01.783
Could you be attracted to me?"
00:31:01.783 --> 00:31:03.518
- Oh, wow.- Wow.
00:31:03.518 --> 00:31:04.519
- Ooh, take me now.
00:31:04.519 --> 00:31:07.922
- He came with it.- I love that.
00:31:07.922 --> 00:31:08.856
(women laughing)
00:31:08.856 --> 00:31:10.325
- He came with it.
00:31:10.325 --> 00:31:11.159
- You had, man, hello.
00:31:11.159 --> 00:31:13.695
(Hosanna laughs)
00:31:13.695 --> 00:31:14.929
- He had, yeah,hello, absolutely.
00:31:14.929 --> 00:31:15.997
He had me a I'm attracted to you
00:31:15.997 --> 00:31:17.899
even though youhaven't showered.
00:31:17.899 --> 00:31:19.233
No, I'm just kidding.
00:31:19.233 --> 00:31:20.068
(women laughing)
00:31:20.068 --> 00:31:21.936
I remember appreciating somuch that he was so direct.
00:31:21.936 --> 00:31:25.773
I remember appreciating somuch that he was so clear,
00:31:25.773 --> 00:31:28.242
'cause I was a youngwoman in love with Jesus.
00:31:28.242 --> 00:31:30.511
And I wasn't sure how manyof the young men in my life
00:31:30.511 --> 00:31:33.481
or around me had a seriousrelationship with Jesus,
00:31:33.481 --> 00:31:36.351
you know, who are seriousabout their faith.
00:31:36.351 --> 00:31:38.553
So when he said that to me,
00:31:38.553 --> 00:31:40.054
I appreciate how directhe was, how clear he was.
00:31:40.054 --> 00:31:42.156
I was at a place
00:31:42.156 --> 00:31:43.358
in my life where I knewwhat I wanted to do,
00:31:43.358 --> 00:31:46.027
who I was, and whatI was called to do.
00:31:46.027 --> 00:31:47.762
And I knew that becauseI had dated previously,
00:31:47.762 --> 00:31:51.499
living for Jesus andnot living for Jesus,
00:31:51.499 --> 00:31:54.102
looking for my identity
00:31:54.102 --> 00:31:55.470
in other men, lookingto the boys I dated
00:31:55.470 --> 00:31:58.706
to tell me who I'm called tobe and what I'm called to do.
00:31:58.706 --> 00:32:01.509
And at this moment,I had now come
00:32:01.509 --> 00:32:04.145
to a place where I knewwho I was created to be
00:32:04.145 --> 00:32:06.014
but I was called to do.
00:32:06.014 --> 00:32:07.482
So for this man to be so clear
00:32:07.482 --> 00:32:09.283
with me about what he wanted,what he was looking for,
00:32:09.283 --> 00:32:12.720
I didn't havefeelings for him yet,
00:32:12.720 --> 00:32:15.289
I didn't know him that well yet,
00:32:15.289 --> 00:32:16.991
but I had a respect for him.
00:32:16.991 --> 00:32:18.426
I had worked with him.
00:32:18.426 --> 00:32:19.660
I saw him lead and Ireally respected him.
00:32:19.660 --> 00:32:21.529
And I just said, I mean,yes, I was attracted to him,
00:32:21.529 --> 00:32:24.766
but it was the firstmoment where I was pursued
00:32:24.766 --> 00:32:27.668
by a man that I didn'treally have feelings for yet.
00:32:27.668 --> 00:32:29.904
And I just said, "You know, Ineed you to respect my time.
00:32:29.904 --> 00:32:32.440
I need to think about this.
00:32:32.440 --> 00:32:33.574
I need to process this.
00:32:33.574 --> 00:32:34.809
I need to pray andfast about this.
00:32:34.809 --> 00:32:36.344
I need you to respect my timebefore I give you an answer."
00:32:36.344 --> 00:32:39.914
And I'll neverforget what he said.
00:32:39.914 --> 00:32:40.815
He said, "Okay, great.
00:32:40.815 --> 00:32:42.183
I would love torespect your time.
00:32:42.183 --> 00:32:43.584
I need you to respect mine too.
00:32:43.584 --> 00:32:45.586
And let me know as soonas you're able, you know,
00:32:45.586 --> 00:32:47.855
'cause I date very seriously.
00:32:47.855 --> 00:32:49.357
I take this very seriously.
00:32:49.357 --> 00:32:50.691
And let me know assoon as you're able."
00:32:50.691 --> 00:32:53.061
And from that moment, you know,I just remember this feeling
00:32:53.061 --> 00:32:56.330
of like, I wantedhim to respect me.
00:32:56.330 --> 00:32:57.999
I wanted him to have hisbest foot forward for me.
00:32:57.999 --> 00:33:01.202
And he absolutely did.
00:33:01.202 --> 00:33:02.737
And he was asking me to takea step forward for him too,
00:33:02.737 --> 00:33:04.972
like, I'm gonna respectyou and your time
00:33:04.972 --> 00:33:06.174
and let you process,but respect me too that,
00:33:06.174 --> 00:33:07.742
you know, I'm a man of Godlooking for a woman of God.
00:33:07.742 --> 00:33:10.178
And let me know whenyou know if that's you.
00:33:10.178 --> 00:33:12.413
And I just wanna encourageanyone that's watching right now
00:33:12.413 --> 00:33:14.749
that's single, that'sdating, that it is possible
00:33:14.749 --> 00:33:19.053
to know who you wanna be
00:33:19.053 --> 00:33:20.388
before you know whoyou wanna be with that.
00:33:20.388 --> 00:33:22.857
It is possible.
00:33:22.857 --> 00:33:24.125
And even if you'rein a relationship
00:33:24.125 --> 00:33:26.427
and you're not surewho you wanna be,
00:33:26.427 --> 00:33:28.129
you can be with someonewho makes you become
00:33:28.129 --> 00:33:30.098
the best version of yourself.
00:33:30.098 --> 00:33:31.232
That that is possible.
00:33:31.232 --> 00:33:32.600
And so, from thebeginning of our marriage,
00:33:32.600 --> 00:33:34.569
it has always been a marriage
00:33:34.569 --> 00:33:36.504
that was based first on respect.
00:33:36.504 --> 00:33:38.639
And yes, the feelings came
00:33:38.639 --> 00:33:41.008
in the name of Jesus.
00:33:41.008 --> 00:33:42.310
They did not take that long.
00:33:42.310 --> 00:33:43.911
(women laughing)
00:33:43.911 --> 00:33:45.079
But that's somethingthat I'd like
00:33:45.079 --> 00:33:46.247
to encourage youngpeople that are dating,
00:33:46.247 --> 00:33:48.349
that are thinking, you know,who do I wanna be with?
00:33:48.349 --> 00:33:49.951
Who do I wanna be with?
00:33:49.951 --> 00:33:51.219
It is possible to knowwho you wanna be first
00:33:51.219 --> 00:33:53.588
and to find a partner
00:33:53.588 --> 00:33:54.856
who will help you bethe best version of you.
00:33:54.856 --> 00:33:56.991
But it's a two-way street.
00:33:56.991 --> 00:33:58.593
They respect you,you respect them.
00:33:58.593 --> 00:34:00.895
And there's a littlebit of give and take.
00:34:00.895 --> 00:34:02.697
So I wanna ask the whole group,
00:34:02.697 --> 00:34:03.998
how did you meet your spouse?
00:34:03.998 --> 00:34:06.100
And from that meeting,
00:34:06.100 --> 00:34:09.270
what advice would youhave for somebody dating?
00:34:10.271 --> 00:34:12.206
What's something you did right,
00:34:12.206 --> 00:34:13.441
something you did wrongthat you wanna pass on
00:34:13.441 --> 00:34:15.476
to those maybe rightnow who are dating.
00:34:15.476 --> 00:34:17.845
- You know I thinkI always look back,
00:34:17.845 --> 00:34:19.914
'cause when I got married,I was extremely young.
00:34:19.914 --> 00:34:23.217
Didn't have a cluewhat I was doing.
00:34:23.217 --> 00:34:25.253
(Cece laughs)
00:34:25.253 --> 00:34:27.388
But I fell in lovewith Mr. Love.
00:34:27.388 --> 00:34:31.993
Met him at churchfor the first time.
00:34:32.827 --> 00:34:35.096
And then the next time...
00:34:35.096 --> 00:34:36.531
Or no, I take that back.
00:34:36.531 --> 00:34:37.498
The first time I met him,
00:34:37.498 --> 00:34:39.033
it was a youth outing, and Imet him at a bowling alley.
00:34:39.033 --> 00:34:42.136
That's doesn't sound romanticat all, but he smiled.
00:34:42.136 --> 00:34:46.841
He smiled and I was like,
00:34:46.841 --> 00:34:48.075
"Oh, he's just soamazing," you know?
00:34:48.075 --> 00:34:50.278
- Yeah.
00:34:50.278 --> 00:34:51.479
- And he was verydirect when we talked.
00:34:51.479 --> 00:34:53.581
But the one thingI know I did right,
00:34:53.581 --> 00:34:56.050
and that was Isubmitted to my leaders.
00:34:56.050 --> 00:34:58.686
And I can always goback to that moment.
00:34:59.554 --> 00:35:02.190
Lord, I submitted to my parents,
00:35:02.190 --> 00:35:03.758
I submitted to my pastor.
00:35:03.758 --> 00:35:05.660
At one point, you know,our pastor was like,
00:35:06.527 --> 00:35:08.796
"Okay, well, I wanty'all to separate.
00:35:08.796 --> 00:35:10.731
And I want y'all to pray.
00:35:10.731 --> 00:35:12.200
And I'm gonna pray, becauseit's so crucial who you marry."
00:35:12.200 --> 00:35:16.070
He knew the call thatI had on my life.
00:35:16.070 --> 00:35:18.573
And so, I submitted.
00:35:18.573 --> 00:35:22.109
And as much as I was inlove, and as much as I knew
00:35:22.109 --> 00:35:25.046
this was the one and I had all,I said, "God, you know what?
00:35:25.046 --> 00:35:29.350
I can't see 10 years from now.
00:35:29.350 --> 00:35:31.018
I can't see 20 years from now.
00:35:31.018 --> 00:35:32.987
You've given me a man ofGod who has looked over me,
00:35:32.987 --> 00:35:35.556
and I'm gonna submit.
00:35:35.556 --> 00:35:36.624
If they say no, you know what?
00:35:36.624 --> 00:35:39.060
I'm gonna leave.
00:35:39.060 --> 00:35:40.494
I'm going to leave."
00:35:40.494 --> 00:35:41.562
And I was cryingout to the Lord.
00:35:41.562 --> 00:35:43.898
And I tell people all thetime, submit to your leaders,
00:35:43.898 --> 00:35:47.568
submit to people thatGod has put in your life,
00:35:47.568 --> 00:35:50.137
because they can see furtherthan what you can see.
00:35:50.137 --> 00:35:53.040
I got married, I think Iwas about 19 years old.
00:35:53.040 --> 00:35:55.543
I couldn't see.
00:35:55.543 --> 00:35:56.777
(women laughing)
00:35:56.777 --> 00:35:59.614
But yet I hadparents who love God
00:35:59.614 --> 00:36:01.749
and parents who have beenmarried and stayed married.
00:36:01.749 --> 00:36:04.752
I had a pastor, and eventhough he was strict
00:36:04.752 --> 00:36:08.256
and it seemed unfair, Iwas willing to submit.
00:36:08.256 --> 00:36:12.093
And so, there's been times
00:36:12.093 --> 00:36:13.361
throughout my 36years where I said,
00:36:13.361 --> 00:36:15.196
"Now, God, you know what,you're gonna have to fix this,
00:36:15.196 --> 00:36:18.833
because I submitted, I didwhat you told me to do.
00:36:18.833 --> 00:36:22.470
And so, you're gonnahave to come through."
00:36:22.470 --> 00:36:24.405
And so, that's the onething I know I did right,
00:36:24.405 --> 00:36:27.742
and I'm trying to share that
00:36:27.742 --> 00:36:29.343
with as many people whoare dating as possible.
00:36:29.343 --> 00:36:32.546
Submit to the leaders ofyour house, of the church.
00:36:32.546 --> 00:36:36.717
- My husband, Aaron and I,I told you guys a couple
00:36:36.717 --> 00:36:38.819
of days ago, we've been marriedalmost 20 years this year.
00:36:38.819 --> 00:36:40.821
So it feels likea really big year.
00:36:40.821 --> 00:36:42.423
But we met when wewere both in college,
00:36:42.423 --> 00:36:44.692
and I had just startedfollowing Jesus, you guys,
00:36:44.692 --> 00:36:47.695
I had been a hot mess forthe years leading up to this,
00:36:47.695 --> 00:36:51.299
but now I was following Jesus.
00:36:51.299 --> 00:36:53.234
I wanted him to be my Lord.
00:36:53.234 --> 00:36:54.735
And I met Aaron at church,which is always, I was like,
00:36:54.735 --> 00:36:58.239
what a great placeto meet a man, right?
00:36:58.239 --> 00:37:00.541
So I met him at church, and wedated for a year and a half.
00:37:00.541 --> 00:37:04.245
And I think one of best things
00:37:04.245 --> 00:37:05.813
about our datingrelationship was
00:37:05.813 --> 00:37:08.316
is we built it on friendship.
00:37:08.316 --> 00:37:10.551
And I had everydating relationship
00:37:10.551 --> 00:37:12.820
I'd ever hadpreviously before that
00:37:12.820 --> 00:37:14.855
was basically builton sexual attraction
00:37:14.855 --> 00:37:18.025
or physicalness inour relationship.
00:37:18.025 --> 00:37:20.428
And now I was a new believer
00:37:20.428 --> 00:37:22.263
and I had changedthat part of my life.
00:37:22.263 --> 00:37:23.998
And I knew that I wantedto do what God wanted best
00:37:23.998 --> 00:37:28.269
for Aaron and I in our marriage.
00:37:28.269 --> 00:37:29.770
And for us to wait until wewere married to have sex.
00:37:29.770 --> 00:37:32.306
And so, it forced mefor the first time ever
00:37:32.306 --> 00:37:34.608
in a relationship tobuild it on friendship.
00:37:34.608 --> 00:37:37.478
And I can say 20years into marriage,
00:37:37.478 --> 00:37:40.681
I am so grateful for thatfriendship that was built
00:37:40.681 --> 00:37:44.085
because I mean, sexis great and awesome.
00:37:44.085 --> 00:37:47.121
And that's what we'retalking about today.
00:37:47.121 --> 00:37:48.322
But 20 years in,four kids later,
00:37:48.322 --> 00:37:50.658
it's different thanthe first year,
00:37:50.658 --> 00:37:52.426
it's different thanthe very beginning.
00:37:52.426 --> 00:37:54.929
And so, I'm grateful thatour foundation wasn't built
00:37:54.929 --> 00:38:00.201
on something that Iknew was gonna change,
00:38:01.102 --> 00:38:02.803
but it was builton a friendship.
00:38:02.803 --> 00:38:04.305
And you know, our friendship20 years ago is laughable
00:38:04.305 --> 00:38:07.875
at how much closer we are today.
00:38:07.875 --> 00:38:10.378
But then it wasjust our foundation.
00:38:10.378 --> 00:38:12.713
So I say to you, that'sone of the things
00:38:12.713 --> 00:38:14.648
that we did well, was buildingour dating relationship
00:38:14.648 --> 00:38:17.451
and our engagement on friendship
00:38:17.451 --> 00:38:19.453
because it has sustained us
00:38:19.453 --> 00:38:21.322
through some hardtimes in our marriage.
00:38:21.322 --> 00:38:23.391
- In our story, that friendshipis such a powerful base,
00:38:23.391 --> 00:38:26.560
like you said, Jamie, and,you know, I know for us,
00:38:26.560 --> 00:38:30.631
we didn't meet like Cecedid in a bowling alley,
00:38:30.631 --> 00:38:33.701
but it was pretty close to that.
00:38:33.701 --> 00:38:35.202
We were young, young, young,and we met on a ski slope.
00:38:35.202 --> 00:38:38.973
And the quirky thingabout our connection
00:38:38.973 --> 00:38:42.343
is that my name is Leslie andmy husband's name is Leslie,
00:38:42.343 --> 00:38:47.681
which is so weird.
00:38:48.115 --> 00:38:49.617
And that even weird thingis his dad's name is Leslie,
00:38:49.617 --> 00:38:52.319
and his grandfather'sname is Leslie.
00:38:52.319 --> 00:38:54.054
So we got some weirdmojo going here.
00:38:54.054 --> 00:38:57.024
It's really strange.
00:38:57.491 --> 00:38:58.793
But actually, ournames are how we met
00:38:58.793 --> 00:39:01.162
'cause we were at a youth eventon some slopes in Colorado.
00:39:01.162 --> 00:39:05.699
And we were headedto the gondola
00:39:05.699 --> 00:39:07.234
that takes you up the slope.
00:39:07.234 --> 00:39:08.769
And someone hollered outLeslie, and we both swished over
00:39:08.769 --> 00:39:11.906
to the gondola togetherthinking it was for us.
00:39:11.906 --> 00:39:14.942
We ended up riding up thehill, took that ski run,
00:39:14.942 --> 00:39:17.945
shared a littlecup of hot cocoa.
00:39:17.945 --> 00:39:20.314
I mean, and there's the story.
00:39:20.948 --> 00:39:22.883
You know, seven years later,we finally got married.
00:39:22.883 --> 00:39:24.418
- That was the best story.
00:39:24.418 --> 00:39:26.053
- Isn't that funny?
00:39:26.053 --> 00:39:27.188
(women laughing)
00:39:27.188 --> 00:39:28.022
- Wow.
00:39:28.022 --> 00:39:29.557
- So the quacky name thing,which is absurd and always
00:39:29.557 --> 00:39:34.094
a hassle also was the reason,you know, in God's Providence.
00:39:35.296 --> 00:39:37.398
So that's sweet.
00:39:37.398 --> 00:39:38.566
But that friendshipthing is epic,
00:39:38.566 --> 00:39:40.768
because you're right, you know,
00:39:40.768 --> 00:39:42.670
passion takes amillion different turns
00:39:42.670 --> 00:39:45.139
over the course of life.
00:39:45.139 --> 00:39:46.507
One thing we know, thatwe know, that we know
00:39:46.507 --> 00:39:49.376
is that the healthier you are
00:39:49.376 --> 00:39:51.612
when you step into married life,
00:39:51.612 --> 00:39:53.447
that is the bestgift you can give.
00:39:53.447 --> 00:39:56.417
Because, you know,we always like to say
00:39:56.417 --> 00:39:59.920
get yourself healthy
00:39:59.920 --> 00:40:00.988
before you get yourself married.
00:40:00.988 --> 00:40:02.923
Use this time towork on who you are.
00:40:02.923 --> 00:40:05.626
And even after we'remarried, we continue to grow.
00:40:05.626 --> 00:40:08.095
We don't ever get to aplace where we think,
00:40:08.095 --> 00:40:09.830
okay, you know, I'mwhole, I've arrived.
00:40:09.830 --> 00:40:12.600
I'm gonna cross that off mylist now 'cause I'm healthy.
00:40:12.600 --> 00:40:16.070
We're always growing.
00:40:16.070 --> 00:40:17.571
And every tiny bit,every baby step we take
00:40:17.571 --> 00:40:21.542
toward health is contagious.
00:40:21.542 --> 00:40:23.878
It draws that outof our spouse too
00:40:23.878 --> 00:40:26.547
and elevates our relationship.
00:40:26.547 --> 00:40:28.582
There's so much powerin just listening
00:40:28.582 --> 00:40:32.553
to the wisdom ofthose who love us.
00:40:32.553 --> 00:40:34.455
There's so much powerin, like you said,
00:40:34.455 --> 00:40:37.558
setting the tone.
00:40:37.558 --> 00:40:38.792
So it's not basedjust on passion,
00:40:38.792 --> 00:40:40.961
but it's based on thatbeautiful friendship,
00:40:40.961 --> 00:40:43.464
'cause that is whathas stayed power
00:40:43.464 --> 00:40:45.866
through all the seasons of life.
00:40:45.866 --> 00:40:47.902
- That's true.
00:40:47.902 --> 00:40:49.303
- So true.- That's right.
00:40:49.303 --> 00:40:50.704
- You know, so, mygrandmother, I was sitting
00:40:50.704 --> 00:40:52.406
with my grandmother in theliving room of her house.
00:40:52.406 --> 00:40:55.709
They always watch "Praisethe Lord" every night,
00:40:55.709 --> 00:40:58.345
this we're talking 38 years ago.
00:40:58.345 --> 00:41:01.815
And I'm sitting inthere and she says,
00:41:01.815 --> 00:41:05.452
"Honey," she said,"I'm praying,"
00:41:05.452 --> 00:41:07.488
and she points to Pauland Jan on the TV.
00:41:07.488 --> 00:41:09.356
And she said, "I'm prayingthat you meet their son."
00:41:09.356 --> 00:41:11.759
And this was my grandmother.
00:41:11.759 --> 00:41:13.127
And I just turnedand looked at her,
00:41:13.127 --> 00:41:14.261
and I thought,"Well, that's kind of
00:41:14.261 --> 00:41:15.729
the funniest thingyou've ever said."
00:41:15.729 --> 00:41:17.598
A few months later,I find myself
00:41:17.598 --> 00:41:20.200
on an elevator with JanCrouch in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
00:41:20.200 --> 00:41:24.538
And one of the firstthings she said to me,
00:41:24.538 --> 00:41:27.007
she looked at me and she said,
00:41:27.007 --> 00:41:28.275
do you mind if I askhow old you are?"
00:41:28.275 --> 00:41:31.345
She said, "I'd like foryou to meet my son."
00:41:31.345 --> 00:41:33.647
And all of a sudden,
00:41:33.647 --> 00:41:35.249
that clicked inside ofme, and it's a long story,
00:41:35.249 --> 00:41:40.087
but it's a great story.
00:41:40.087 --> 00:41:41.655
And we, Matt and I metthat night through his mom.
00:41:41.655 --> 00:41:47.061
And I've alwaysleaned into that.
00:41:47.828 --> 00:41:52.399
I've always leaned into thefact that my grandmother
00:41:53.467 --> 00:41:55.903
was praying, you know,and I can recall that.
00:41:55.903 --> 00:42:00.407
And then we broke up for ayear in the middle of all that,
00:42:00.407 --> 00:42:04.778
which a lot ofpeople don't know.
00:42:04.778 --> 00:42:06.180
We broke up.
00:42:06.180 --> 00:42:07.514
And I remet him, once again,
00:42:07.514 --> 00:42:10.884
back at my grandmother'schurch in Phoenix, Arizona.
00:42:10.884 --> 00:42:15.089
And when we said hello again
00:42:15.689 --> 00:42:17.925
it was like the Lordjust fixed everything.
00:42:17.925 --> 00:42:20.494
We were married justa few months later,
00:42:20.494 --> 00:42:22.229
but I wish every personhad that to lean on,
00:42:22.229 --> 00:42:26.600
because all throughour marriage,
00:42:26.600 --> 00:42:29.370
we have never saidthe big D word ever,
00:42:29.370 --> 00:42:32.106
that has never been a choice,
00:42:32.106 --> 00:42:33.974
that has never beenin our vocabulary.
00:42:33.974 --> 00:42:36.944
But it's those moments of times,
00:42:36.944 --> 00:42:38.746
and I think as believersand followers of Christ
00:42:38.746 --> 00:42:42.383
and having thisHoly spirit in us,
00:42:42.383 --> 00:42:44.418
I think we can tapinto that knowing
00:42:44.418 --> 00:42:47.321
that nobody's going anywhere.
00:42:47.321 --> 00:42:49.456
And if you're leaving,I'm going with you.
00:42:49.456 --> 00:42:51.258
(Cece laughs)
00:42:51.258 --> 00:42:52.292
And that we will always,
00:42:52.292 --> 00:42:56.630
we know you'llalways be together.
00:42:56.630 --> 00:42:59.233
So you might aswell just get happy
00:42:59.233 --> 00:43:01.368
if you're in a littlefight or a big fight,
00:43:01.368 --> 00:43:04.304
you might as well justget through it quickly
00:43:04.304 --> 00:43:07.408
because you know thatnobody's going anywhere
00:43:07.408 --> 00:43:10.244
and that God willhelp us through it.
00:43:10.244 --> 00:43:12.479
- I love the story ofyou and Matt so much.
00:43:12.479 --> 00:43:14.848
It is like one ofmy favorite things
00:43:14.848 --> 00:43:16.884
when you told methat wherever I go
00:43:16.884 --> 00:43:19.086
and we sat down andyou told me that.
00:43:19.086 --> 00:43:20.788
But you know, Ithink that's so true,
00:43:20.788 --> 00:43:22.456
is that we have to have thiscommitment to each other.
00:43:22.456 --> 00:43:25.359
And Leslie, you talkedabout how, you know,
00:43:25.359 --> 00:43:28.162
we had to get ourself right?
00:43:28.162 --> 00:43:29.329
We have to work on that.
00:43:29.329 --> 00:43:30.264
And I don't know about you guys,
00:43:30.264 --> 00:43:31.832
but 2020 has been a hard year
00:43:31.832 --> 00:43:35.235
for so many people on somany different levels.
00:43:35.235 --> 00:43:38.038
And in fact, Aaron and I say,it's one of our hardest years
00:43:38.038 --> 00:43:41.041
of marriage ever,because so much was taken
00:43:41.041 --> 00:43:44.645
from people and circumstancesthat all of a sudden
00:43:44.645 --> 00:43:47.448
I found myself dealing
00:43:47.448 --> 00:43:49.249
with coping mechanismsthat had worked forever,
00:43:49.249 --> 00:43:51.285
and now, all of a sudden,they weren't working.
00:43:51.285 --> 00:43:52.753
And so, I have been in mycounselor's office more, well,
00:43:52.753 --> 00:43:55.789
on zoom because, you know,I'm not going into her office,
00:43:55.789 --> 00:43:58.058
but I have met with hermore often this year.
00:43:58.058 --> 00:44:01.295
And it's been aboutmarriage stuff.
00:44:01.295 --> 00:44:02.930
And I've had to talkthrough like, man,
00:44:02.930 --> 00:44:04.565
why am I feeling these thingsthat I hadn't felt in so long?
00:44:04.565 --> 00:44:07.601
And so, I'm havingto work on myself.
00:44:07.601 --> 00:44:10.370
We were actually finishing up...
00:44:10.370 --> 00:44:11.672
My husband and I havea book about marriage,
00:44:11.672 --> 00:44:13.474
and we were finishing it up.
00:44:13.474 --> 00:44:14.975
During COVID, we were fighting,
00:44:14.975 --> 00:44:16.777
and it was so hardand so difficult,
00:44:16.777 --> 00:44:18.846
and we had toremember, this is good.
00:44:18.846 --> 00:44:21.081
And this commitment is good,
00:44:21.081 --> 00:44:22.349
but I want to share thisone thing with you guys,
00:44:22.349 --> 00:44:24.451
is it talks aboutlove and commitment,
00:44:24.451 --> 00:44:26.253
is my husband and I went
00:44:26.253 --> 00:44:27.454
to some really greatfriends of ours.
00:44:27.454 --> 00:44:29.156
They had a ceremony.
00:44:29.156 --> 00:44:30.557
A couple of years ago,
00:44:30.557 --> 00:44:31.792
they were doing thisrecommitment ceremony
00:44:31.792 --> 00:44:33.427
for their 30th anniversary.
00:44:33.427 --> 00:44:35.462
And as my husbandwas officiating it,
00:44:35.462 --> 00:44:37.364
the husband, his name is Devin,
00:44:37.364 --> 00:44:39.233
looked at his wife,Catherine, and he said,
00:44:39.233 --> 00:44:41.435
"I recommit to you throughthe lens of experience."
00:44:41.435 --> 00:44:45.305
And I nearly fellout of my chair
00:44:45.305 --> 00:44:47.407
because I thoughtthat is what love is.
00:44:47.407 --> 00:44:50.878
It is a commitmentevery single day
00:44:50.878 --> 00:44:53.046
knowing I know whatwe've been through,
00:44:53.046 --> 00:44:55.482
I know how hard it's been.
00:44:55.482 --> 00:44:57.084
And dear Lord, I knowhow hard it might get,
00:44:57.084 --> 00:44:59.453
but I am going to be committed
00:44:59.453 --> 00:45:00.754
to you even with allthe experience I have.
00:45:00.754 --> 00:45:03.157
And so, that's what Ithink about when I think
00:45:03.157 --> 00:45:04.658
about how love is thischoice and it's this action.
00:45:04.658 --> 00:45:07.861
And we're having to continuallydecide every single day,
00:45:07.861 --> 00:45:10.831
guess what, I'ma love you moretoday than I did yesterday.
00:45:10.831 --> 00:45:13.700
It might be harder today-
00:45:13.700 --> 00:45:15.135
- I still choose you.- Because of all the things
00:45:15.135 --> 00:45:17.104
but I'm gonna do it.
00:45:17.104 --> 00:45:17.938
I still choose you.
00:45:17.938 --> 00:45:18.872
Yes.
00:45:18.872 --> 00:45:20.340
- We have said some things thatour marriages were based on,
00:45:20.340 --> 00:45:22.576
like CeCe, you talked abouthaving wise counsel around you
00:45:22.576 --> 00:45:26.413
at the beginning.
00:45:26.413 --> 00:45:27.881
And Jamie, you talkedabout having a friendship
00:45:27.881 --> 00:45:28.949
at the beginning.
00:45:28.949 --> 00:45:30.484
And I talked about havingrespect at the beginning,
00:45:30.484 --> 00:45:32.553
but isn't it rightthat this is something
00:45:32.553 --> 00:45:34.788
that even though thismight've been the foundation,
00:45:34.788 --> 00:45:36.456
it's something youstill have to fight for.
00:45:36.456 --> 00:45:38.125
CeCe, do you feel likeyou've had a fight
00:45:38.125 --> 00:45:40.594
to still be continuously
00:45:40.594 --> 00:45:42.029
around wise counselthroughout your marriage?
00:45:42.029 --> 00:45:44.398
'Cause I'm feeling like
00:45:44.398 --> 00:45:45.899
these things might have beenfoundational and awesome,
00:45:45.899 --> 00:45:47.434
but they didn't just come onautopilot throughout years-
00:45:47.434 --> 00:45:49.736
- Oh, no, no, no.- Of our marriage, right?
00:45:49.736 --> 00:45:50.671
(women laughing)
00:45:50.671 --> 00:45:51.805
- It's true.- Do you feel that?
00:45:51.805 --> 00:45:52.739
- You're right, yes, definitely.
00:45:52.739 --> 00:45:53.974
You have to fight for it.
00:45:53.974 --> 00:45:55.242
You have to choose it every day.
00:45:55.242 --> 00:45:57.845
And I think a lot of times,people who are married
00:45:57.845 --> 00:46:00.647
or people who are dating,you know, they get afraid.
00:46:00.647 --> 00:46:04.117
And the reason wecan stand in boldness
00:46:04.117 --> 00:46:08.188
and be confident andsay, "You know what,
00:46:08.188 --> 00:46:10.691
we're gonna make it, we'regonna have a great marriage.
00:46:10.691 --> 00:46:13.293
Our marriage matters to God.
00:46:13.293 --> 00:46:15.762
God created our marriageto be successful.
00:46:15.762 --> 00:46:17.931
The reason why we cando that is because
00:46:17.931 --> 00:46:19.666
of the Holy Spirit, is becauseof the God that we serve,
00:46:19.666 --> 00:46:22.870
and that marriage was His idea.
00:46:22.870 --> 00:46:24.738
And He created marriage sothat we could succeed at it.
00:46:24.738 --> 00:46:27.774
He didn't create itso we could fail.
00:46:27.774 --> 00:46:29.910
But it's something thatthey're willing to do
00:46:30.811 --> 00:46:35.749
and to make happen, buthe doesn't do our part.
00:46:36.683 --> 00:46:38.552
We have to do our part.
00:46:38.552 --> 00:46:40.320
So Hosanna, yes, I haveto fight for it daily.
00:46:40.320 --> 00:46:43.123
I have to declare it.
00:46:43.123 --> 00:46:44.758
We have to bind the enemy.
00:46:44.758 --> 00:46:46.393
The enemy has an attack.
00:46:46.393 --> 00:46:48.896
He has released anattack over marriages.
00:46:48.896 --> 00:46:51.732
We all know that, you know.
00:46:51.732 --> 00:46:53.700
And so, understandinghe hates it
00:46:53.700 --> 00:46:56.136
because marriagereflects God's glory.
00:46:56.136 --> 00:46:59.306
You know, it'snot even about you
00:46:59.306 --> 00:47:01.441
and what you feel in your head.
00:47:01.441 --> 00:47:02.910
Sometimes we make marriageso shallow, and it's like no,
00:47:02.910 --> 00:47:07.047
your marriage matters to God.
00:47:07.047 --> 00:47:08.882
And the enemy doesnot want you, Jamie,
00:47:08.882 --> 00:47:11.118
he didn't want youto write that book.
00:47:11.118 --> 00:47:13.086
You know, Dr. Leslie,
00:47:13.086 --> 00:47:14.354
he doesn't want youdoing what you're doing
00:47:14.354 --> 00:47:16.156
with your husband.
00:47:16.156 --> 00:47:16.990
Why?
00:47:16.990 --> 00:47:18.425
Because the bond ofmarriage is so beautiful,
00:47:18.425 --> 00:47:20.460
it's so powerful, it'ssuch a incredible ministry,
00:47:20.460 --> 00:47:24.331
and you don't haveto be on stage.
00:47:24.331 --> 00:47:25.966
- It's a ministry likeLaurie was saying,
00:47:25.966 --> 00:47:28.068
with your children,it just, you know,
00:47:28.068 --> 00:47:30.904
everything begins with marriage.
00:47:30.904 --> 00:47:33.507
None of us would be hereif it wasn't a relationship
00:47:33.507 --> 00:47:36.543
between a man and a woman.
00:47:36.543 --> 00:47:38.545
And so, it's worth fighting for.
00:47:38.545 --> 00:47:41.114
Yes, we have to fight.
00:47:41.114 --> 00:47:42.349
But all of heavensis on your side
00:47:42.349 --> 00:47:44.551
when you chooseto love God's way.
00:47:44.551 --> 00:47:47.988
- You know, we'retalking about romance
00:47:47.988 --> 00:47:49.523
and staying in your marriageand really fighting for it.
00:47:49.523 --> 00:47:51.425
And I remember the seasonof having four young kids
00:47:51.425 --> 00:47:54.328
and feeling like I'm justfighting to get to 7:30.
00:47:54.328 --> 00:47:57.431
That's all I canfight to get to.
00:47:57.431 --> 00:47:59.833
I'm not fighting to find romance
00:47:59.833 --> 00:48:01.368
because there's noromance, because I'm tired.
00:48:01.368 --> 00:48:03.437
And I remember I hadto make a decision.
00:48:03.437 --> 00:48:05.706
And both Aaron and I hadto make this decision
00:48:05.706 --> 00:48:07.507
as we realized that that seasonof parenting young children
00:48:07.507 --> 00:48:11.044
in the longevity of ourmarriage, if we live to be 80,
00:48:11.044 --> 00:48:14.281
if that's what God wills for us,
00:48:14.281 --> 00:48:15.749
and we're married, youknow, for 50 years or 40,
00:48:15.749 --> 00:48:19.686
however long we get to be.
00:48:19.686 --> 00:48:21.521
That season of parenting
00:48:21.521 --> 00:48:22.956
young kids is gonna be a blink.
00:48:22.956 --> 00:48:24.958
And so, what we had to do
00:48:24.958 --> 00:48:26.426
and we made a commitmentwhen we talked about romance
00:48:26.426 --> 00:48:28.528
and sticking it out, is wehad to have a long game.
00:48:28.528 --> 00:48:30.964
So I couldn't just think
00:48:30.964 --> 00:48:32.499
about what it was like toparent, you know, a seven,
00:48:32.499 --> 00:48:34.735
and a six-year-old,and a five-year-oldand a four-year-old.
00:48:34.735 --> 00:48:36.870
I had to think about whatis it gonna be like for me
00:48:36.870 --> 00:48:39.139
and my spouse when all of ourchildren have left the house?
00:48:39.139 --> 00:48:42.776
And we had a reallybig wake up call
00:48:42.776 --> 00:48:44.745
our first year of marriage
00:48:44.745 --> 00:48:46.213
when Aaron got a phone callfrom one of his friends.
00:48:46.213 --> 00:48:48.482
And he said his parentswere getting divorced
00:48:48.482 --> 00:48:50.017
after 25 years.
00:48:50.017 --> 00:48:51.284
And as a young newlywed,
00:48:51.284 --> 00:48:52.986
my brain could notcomprehend spending 25 years
00:48:52.986 --> 00:48:56.623
with someone andthen get a divorce.
00:48:56.623 --> 00:48:58.825
Now that I'm 20 years married,I see how that happens.
00:48:58.825 --> 00:49:01.795
That is no longera mystery to me.
00:49:01.795 --> 00:49:03.497
I know exactly how that happens.
00:49:03.497 --> 00:49:05.365
And so, we made adecision early on
00:49:05.365 --> 00:49:07.267
that we were gonna fightfor romance and intimacy
00:49:07.267 --> 00:49:09.703
for 10 years down the road whenwe needed it more than ever.
00:49:09.703 --> 00:49:13.740
And so, I just wannaencourage if you're a woman
00:49:13.740 --> 00:49:16.209
and you've got young kidsand you feel exhausted
00:49:16.209 --> 00:49:18.178
and you feel like romanceis not even on the table,
00:49:18.178 --> 00:49:21.048
I would encourage you asmuch as you're fighting
00:49:21.048 --> 00:49:22.549
for your marriage andyou're fighting your tongue,
00:49:22.549 --> 00:49:24.251
and you're fighting your heart,
00:49:24.251 --> 00:49:25.585
to fight to find that intimacy.
00:49:25.585 --> 00:49:27.220
And I don't just mean sex.
00:49:27.220 --> 00:49:28.588
Yes, that's a part of it.
00:49:28.588 --> 00:49:30.123
But, I mean, fight for thatintimacy with your husband
00:49:30.123 --> 00:49:32.159
that's going to sustainyou through those years
00:49:32.159 --> 00:49:35.228
that when you wake up after
00:49:35.228 --> 00:49:36.630
that last kid goesoff to college,
00:49:36.630 --> 00:49:38.932
you wake up and youlook at your husband,
00:49:38.932 --> 00:49:40.534
you go, "I know you,and we're gonna be okay.
00:49:40.534 --> 00:49:43.770
We have each other.
00:49:43.770 --> 00:49:45.138
And we have built anintimacy that does not depend
00:49:45.138 --> 00:49:47.340
on these childrenliving in our house.
00:49:47.340 --> 00:49:49.443
- You know, if there'sanyone listening
00:49:49.443 --> 00:49:51.078
to you and says, you know,yeah, I believe on that,
00:49:51.078 --> 00:49:53.613
but I just need a takeaway.
00:49:53.613 --> 00:49:55.449
What's one thing Ican do in this moment,
00:49:55.449 --> 00:49:58.652
in the moment when I'mfrazzled and I'm exhausted
00:49:58.652 --> 00:50:02.089
from parenting to reconnect.
00:50:02.089 --> 00:50:03.890
There are just thesmallest things we can do
00:50:03.890 --> 00:50:06.893
that have a profound impact.
00:50:06.893 --> 00:50:08.995
One of those is just simplythe minute we reconnect
00:50:08.995 --> 00:50:12.365
after we've beenapart, you know,
00:50:12.365 --> 00:50:14.668
sometimes in thefray of everything,
00:50:14.668 --> 00:50:16.703
we're so rash, we're exhausted,we're coming back together.
00:50:16.703 --> 00:50:19.606
The kids want our attention.
00:50:19.606 --> 00:50:21.241
But if we just takethat one minute to look
00:50:21.241 --> 00:50:24.544
at each other's eyes andmake a connection, you know,
00:50:24.544 --> 00:50:28.315
and we know it's so powerful.
00:50:28.315 --> 00:50:31.518
The minute that mattersmost in your marriage
00:50:31.518 --> 00:50:33.353
it changes everything because,
00:50:33.353 --> 00:50:35.288
not because thatminute is everything
00:50:35.288 --> 00:50:37.557
but it sets the emotional tone
00:50:37.557 --> 00:50:39.626
for the time you're gonnashare after that minute.
00:50:39.626 --> 00:50:42.395
If you're feeling distance fromeach other and disconnected,
00:50:43.530 --> 00:50:46.266
even just a hug,a hug that we know
00:50:46.266 --> 00:50:49.836
that all it takes is a hug thatlasts for 80 seconds or so.
00:50:49.836 --> 00:50:55.175
I mean, and that'skind of a long hug.
00:50:56.009 --> 00:50:57.144
Try it.
00:50:57.144 --> 00:50:58.145
You know, it's awonderful thing.
00:50:58.145 --> 00:51:00.247
Just a simple, long hugchanges our brain chemistry,
00:51:00.247 --> 00:51:03.683
and it releases the chemicalsthat make you feel attached
00:51:03.683 --> 00:51:06.887
to each other.
00:51:06.887 --> 00:51:08.155
So God has woven itinto our DNA, right?
00:51:08.155 --> 00:51:12.359
That when we do thesekinds of connecting things,
00:51:12.359 --> 00:51:14.861
it does create love and romance.
00:51:14.861 --> 00:51:18.498
And all it might take is a hug
00:51:18.498 --> 00:51:20.767
or just look each other in theeyes, don't be overwhelmed.
00:51:20.767 --> 00:51:24.704
Those simple, simplethings make a difference.
00:51:24.704 --> 00:51:27.641
And you can put those intopractice starting today
00:51:27.641 --> 00:51:30.644
for little love romance,even at the speed of life.
00:51:30.644 --> 00:51:35.582
- And sometimes thattakes a lot of humility,
00:51:35.582 --> 00:51:38.285
especially if you're madand you're not over it yet,
00:51:38.285 --> 00:51:42.389
you know, to actuallyhumble yourself
00:51:42.389 --> 00:51:45.425
and do something kind,
00:51:45.425 --> 00:51:46.960
or do something nice, or takethat moment, say you're sorry,
00:51:46.960 --> 00:51:51.464
get it over with, don't letthe sun go down on your wrath.
00:51:51.464 --> 00:51:55.569
I have let the sun go downon my wrath many times.
00:51:55.569 --> 00:51:59.573
And I hate that I'm likethat, but we can't do that.
00:51:59.573 --> 00:52:04.878
We've got to let that go.
00:52:05.445 --> 00:52:06.780
We've got to let ourspirits be healed,
00:52:06.780 --> 00:52:11.518
be healed in Jesus' name.
00:52:12.085 --> 00:52:14.788
There's so much.
00:52:15.155 --> 00:52:16.623
People have gone throughso much in their marriages.
00:52:16.623 --> 00:52:18.625
There is pain.
00:52:18.625 --> 00:52:19.926
There is rejection.
00:52:19.926 --> 00:52:22.996
There is infidelity.
00:52:22.996 --> 00:52:24.898
There are so many thingsthat people go through
00:52:24.898 --> 00:52:27.934
and live through,
00:52:27.934 --> 00:52:29.236
probably thingsthat I couldn't do.
00:52:29.236 --> 00:52:31.705
So let's just pray for thoseof you who are married.
00:52:32.772 --> 00:52:35.875
There's always hope.
00:52:35.875 --> 00:52:37.811
There is you are neverleft without hope.
00:52:37.811 --> 00:52:41.815
Those of you who aren't married,
00:52:41.815 --> 00:52:43.583
who may be want to be married,
00:52:43.583 --> 00:52:45.652
I pray today that God fills you
00:52:45.652 --> 00:52:48.655
with such peace, and suchcomfort, and such company.
00:52:48.655 --> 00:52:53.893
He is the one who stands beside.
00:52:54.527 --> 00:52:56.796
He is the one who sits beside.
00:52:56.796 --> 00:52:59.733
He is the one who isthere all the time.
00:52:59.733 --> 00:53:02.669
He never leaves us.
00:53:02.669 --> 00:53:04.537
He never forsakes us.
00:53:04.537 --> 00:53:06.373
He is always rightthere with us.
00:53:06.373 --> 00:53:09.542
So I wanna pray foreach one of you today.
00:53:09.542 --> 00:53:11.544
Father, I thankyou for your love.
00:53:11.544 --> 00:53:14.180
I thank you for your peace,
00:53:14.180 --> 00:53:16.583
that passes all understanding.
00:53:16.583 --> 00:53:18.818
I thank you for the greathope that we have in you.
00:53:18.818 --> 00:53:22.522
God, that one day we'llsee you face to face.
00:53:22.522 --> 00:53:26.026
God, I thank you foryour being strong
00:53:26.026 --> 00:53:29.929
in our lives, our rock,our sustaining tower,
00:53:29.929 --> 00:53:35.201
the one who holds us up whenwe think we can't make it.
00:53:36.303 --> 00:53:38.905
God I thank you thatyou are our joy.
00:53:38.905 --> 00:53:42.575
You are the laughterof our lives.
00:53:42.575 --> 00:53:44.344
You give us peace in the storm.
00:53:44.344 --> 00:53:46.746
You give us joy, father,when everything looks awry.
00:53:46.746 --> 00:53:51.184
God, I thank you thatyou're our healer.
00:53:51.184 --> 00:53:53.787
You're our provision.
00:53:53.787 --> 00:53:56.323
God, everything that weneed, we can run to you
00:53:56.323 --> 00:53:59.626
and we can find it in you.
00:53:59.626 --> 00:54:02.062
God, you are theever present help,
00:54:02.062 --> 00:54:04.764
the Holy Spirit, ourcomforter that leads us
00:54:04.764 --> 00:54:08.168
and it guides us, andit holds our tongue
00:54:08.168 --> 00:54:11.705
and it helps us God,to stay the course,
00:54:11.705 --> 00:54:16.376
God, and to be faithful to you.
00:54:16.376 --> 00:54:18.044
Father, so I praythat we're faithful
00:54:18.044 --> 00:54:20.480
to you first and foremost.
00:54:20.480 --> 00:54:23.216
God, faithful to theHoly spirit, movingin our lives, God.
00:54:23.216 --> 00:54:27.287
Father, I pray that everyonejust, if they haven't
00:54:27.287 --> 00:54:29.956
asked Christ into theirheart, father, I pray
00:54:29.956 --> 00:54:31.991
that you move them.
00:54:31.991 --> 00:54:33.693
God, just to say, come in,Lord, Jesus, take control
00:54:33.693 --> 00:54:37.764
have access toeverything in my life.
00:54:38.565 --> 00:54:41.201
God and I pray that the peace
00:54:41.835 --> 00:54:43.269
that passes all understandings,God, just cover our minds
00:54:43.269 --> 00:54:46.806
and our hearts and fill uswith your spirit, Father.
00:54:46.806 --> 00:54:50.577
Let us love like you.
00:54:50.577 --> 00:54:52.879
And I pray that in Jesusname, happy Valentine's Day,
00:54:52.879 --> 00:54:56.850
whether you're married ornot just from me, a big hug.
00:54:56.850 --> 00:54:59.919
(Laurie laughs)
00:54:59.919 --> 00:55:01.054
A big hug from me,
00:55:01.054 --> 00:55:02.489
a big hug from us,a big family hug.
00:55:02.489 --> 00:55:04.824
This is what we callit in our house.
00:55:04.824 --> 00:55:06.593
We love you.
00:55:06.593 --> 00:55:07.427
God bless you.
00:55:07.427 --> 00:55:08.261
(lips smacking)
00:55:08.261 --> 00:55:09.529
Happy Valentine'sDay to everybody.
00:55:09.529 --> 00:55:10.196
I love you.
00:55:10.196 --> 00:55:11.030
Bye-bye.
00:55:11.030 --> 00:55:11.865
(lively jazz music)
00:55:11.865 --> 00:55:11.865

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Praise | February 9, 2021

Praise | February 9, 2021

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Praise | February 9, 2021

Praise | February 9, 2021

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