Frozen Goals: Lasting Relationship | TBN

Frozen Goals: Lasting Relationship

Watch Frozen Goals: Lasting Relationship
February 14, 2021
27:29

Pastors Kerry and Chris share practical skills on communicating and managing marital expectations.

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Frozen Goals: Lasting Relationship

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  • Chris Shook: Our very deepestneeds as human beings can only
  • 00:00:01.850 --> 00:00:04.686
  • be filled by God.
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  • Those deepest needs ofsignificance and value can only
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  • be filled by theone who created us.
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  • ♪♪♪
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  • Kerry Shook: Hey,Woodlands Church.
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  • Are ya feeling good today?
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  • both: Yeah.
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  • Kerry: Yeah, you thawed outa little bit, so that's good.
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  • Because we just started thisnew series that we're calling
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  • "Frozen Goals," and it's allabout how do you melt the
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  • barriers that holdyou back in life?
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  • And today Chris and I are gonnaget right down to the heart
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  • of relationships.
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  • If you're a parent of a youngchild, you've probably heard the
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  • songs from Disney's "Frozen"more times than you can count.
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  • You know, they just get stuckin your head, and I think that's
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  • Disney's strategy.
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  • They have these catchy tunesthat you just, you know, can't
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  • get out of your head.
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  • You wanna let go of "Let It Go,"but you just can't let it go.
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  • Chris: And in the movie"Frozen," they say you need to
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  • beware of a frozen heart.
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  • And it turns out that'sactually really true.
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  • When it comes to relationships,especially marriage, the last
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  • thing you wanna haveis a frozen heart.
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  • All couples start out seeinglove as an open door because it
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  • just feels like the relationshipis going to be the fulfillment
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  • of all our hopes and dreams,but as far as the dreams being
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  • fulfilled, for most couples, theopen door starts to close once
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  • that cold wind of realitystarts to blow in.
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  • Kerry: And the warm, close, andloving feelings are replaced
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  • with a deep freeze ofdisappointment, and the safe and
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  • secure connection starts gettingburied under an avalanche
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  • of fear.
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  • Now let me explain this.
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  • Every one of us go into marriagewith goals, dreams, and desires.
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  • We all have, what I call a boxof goals, dreams, and desires
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  • that we bring into the marriage.
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  • Let's let this balloon representour goals and dreams because we
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  • feel like, once we get married,then that marriage is gonna help
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  • all of our dreams soar.
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  • So this balloon representsour goals and our dreams.
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  • We all have goals and dreams.
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  • Usually they're just different.
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  • Maybe you have a dream of anice, little cottage in the
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  • country, or maybe it's a dreamof a town house in the city, or
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  • maybe it's the dream of afulfilling career, or maybe it's
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  • a dream of having two or threechildren or the dream of having
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  • no children or the dream ofhaving ten children, or maybe
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  • it's a dream of traveling theworld, just traveling a lot,
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  • going on great adventures, ormaybe it's a dream of staying at
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  • home and being homebodiesin love together.
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  • You know, we all haveour dreams and our goals.
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  • But then we have desires, andlet's say this rose represents
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  • our desires.
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  • And everyone has the desire tobe really close, have a deep and
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  • close connection in the marriagerelationship, but it means
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  • different things todifferent people.
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  • Maybe you have a desire to takelong walks together, and so you
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  • desire you're gonna take longwalks together on a daily basis,
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  • or maybe it's a desire to go onweekly dates where you get all
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  • dressed up, a lot of romance, ormaybe it's a desire to stay at
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  • home in your comfy clothes,cuddle up by the fireplace
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  • watching television and justbinging on your favorite show,
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  • or maybe it's a desire to workout together or the desire to
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  • share an activity or the desireto live a life of adventure or a
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  • desire to live a life that's allplanned out and predictable, but
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  • we all have these desires.
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  • And, you see, what generallyhappens is, we take our goals,
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  • dreams, and desires, and weliterally dump them on our
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  • spouse, and we say, "Makethem all come true."
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  • We dump all of our dreams,goals, and desires, onto our
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  • spouse in the marriagerelationship and say, "You gotta
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  • make 'em all come true.
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  • I'm counting on you."
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  • And what happens is those, goalsdreams, and desires don't feel
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  • much like goals, dreams, anddesires to them 'cause once you
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  • dump them on them, it feelsmore, to them, like the cold ice
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  • of expectations.
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  • It's a burdensome blizzard.
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  • It's the avalanche ofexpectations that you gotta
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  • fulfill my dreams and my goalsand my desires and make 'em all
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  • come true, and it'snot dreams anymore.
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  • It's expectations, and what itdoes to dreams is it
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  • deflates dreams.
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  • And so you just gotta thaw thisout by realizing that you can't
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  • just dump all your dreams ontoanother person and expect them
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  • to fulfill them, and as you thawit out, then that dream can come
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  • back to life, butyou talk it through.
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  • And when it comes to ourdesires, they start becoming
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  • frozen anddisappointment and dread.
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  • When those desires turn intoexpectations, they turn into a
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  • burden, and it makes therelationship really fragile like
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  • this rose, and itcan be easily broken.
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  • In so many relationships, heartsare broken because of these
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  • heavy expectations thatwe place on each other.
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  • Chris: And there are two typesof expectations that have to be
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  • thawed out.
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  • The first is the ice ofunspoken expectations.
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  • So as Kerry said, the truthis that in our most important
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  • relationships, we all haveexpectations, and what we're
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  • going to be talking about todayis true for all your important
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  • relationships in life, formarriage and for relationships
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  • between a parent and child.
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  • Maybe you have a teenager.
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  • You're having trouble with thatrelationship, or maybe it's your
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  • relationship with yourparent or a coworker.
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  • The same is true forall of these things.
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  • We all have expectations on eachother in close relationships.
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  • The problem is that, a lotof the time, we fail to share
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  • exactly what they are, andtwo people with different
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  • backgrounds and differentpersonalities will always have
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  • different expectations.
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  • female announcer: Still tocome with Pastor Kerry Shook.
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  • Kerry: You weremade for connection.
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  • So when you start to loseconnection in your closest
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  • relationships, a primal fearcomes up in your life, and you
  • 00:07:06.241 --> 00:07:08.810
  • start doing, many times,destructive things that make you
  • 00:07:08.844 --> 00:07:11.346
  • even more disconnected.
  • 00:07:11.379 --> 00:07:13.014
  • ♪♪♪
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  • announcer: As we begin 2021,it's more important than
  • 00:07:22.090 --> 00:07:25.560
  • ever to stay focused on Christand his desires for our life.
  • 00:07:25.594 --> 00:07:30.365
  • At Kerry Shook Ministries, wewanna help you make goals, break
  • 00:07:30.398 --> 00:07:33.969
  • bad habits and strive toaccomplish more than
  • 00:07:34.002 --> 00:07:36.838
  • ever before.
  • 00:07:36.872 --> 00:07:39.274
  • This year, as you assess yourlife and make goals, Pastors
  • 00:07:39.307 --> 00:07:42.544
  • Kerry and Chris Shook want tohelp lead you on a journey of
  • 00:07:42.577 --> 00:07:45.480
  • spiritual clarity and discovery.
  • 00:07:45.514 --> 00:07:47.949
  • Today with your best gift ofsupport, they want to send you a
  • 00:07:47.983 --> 00:07:50.986
  • copy of the tenth anniversaryedition of their best-selling
  • 00:07:51.019 --> 00:07:53.889
  • book, "One Month to Live," alongwith a best-selling devotional
  • 00:07:53.922 --> 00:07:57.259
  • "Strength in the Storm."
  • 00:07:57.292 --> 00:08:00.195
  • Together, these resources willprepare you to face both the
  • 00:08:00.228 --> 00:08:03.231
  • challenging andrewarding days ahead.
  • 00:08:03.265 --> 00:08:06.568
  • This special bundle may be justwhat you need to step into what
  • 00:08:06.601 --> 00:08:09.838
  • God has in storefor you this year.
  • 00:08:09.871 --> 00:08:13.775
  • Call us now at 844-34-KERRY, orgo online to KerryShook.org, to
  • 00:08:13.808 --> 00:08:18.780
  • request your special resources.
  • 00:08:18.813 --> 00:08:22.918
  • Chris: In marriage, over time,it's the little things a lot
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  • of times.
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  • It's that sand in your shoesgoing on and on that we never
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  • really stop tocommunicate about.
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  • So small, unspoken expectationscan actually turn out to be
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  • big things.
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  • And then, also, we needto thaw out that ice of
  • 00:08:40.835 --> 00:08:43.371
  • unrealistic expectations.
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  • Unrealistic expectations.
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  • Have you ever noticed thatmanaging your expectations can
  • 00:08:48.910 --> 00:08:51.012
  • actually make a really bigdifference in your attitude?
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  • I mean, if you are a parent of anewborn, of young children, you
  • 00:08:53.882 --> 00:08:56.851
  • may think, "I'm supposed to geta good night's sleep," and it's
  • 00:08:56.885 --> 00:09:00.088
  • not happening.
  • 00:09:00.121 --> 00:09:02.457
  • You know, I have this newborn,and it's just not happening.
  • 00:09:02.490 --> 00:09:04.593
  • And, every day, youget more frustrated.
  • 00:09:04.626 --> 00:09:06.795
  • It's like, "Ugh, Ijust want to sleep.
  • 00:09:06.828 --> 00:09:08.830
  • I just want onegood night's sleep.
  • 00:09:08.863 --> 00:09:10.999
  • When's this child evergonna get to that point?"
  • 00:09:11.032 --> 00:09:13.568
  • But as new parent, if you stopexpecting a good night's sleep,
  • 00:09:13.602 --> 00:09:17.272
  • because that's unrealistic, andjust start expecting a series of
  • 00:09:17.305 --> 00:09:20.609
  • naps, then you'll actually findout, wow, you'll wake up in the
  • 00:09:20.642 --> 00:09:24.579
  • morning and think, "Okay, I hada series of naps, just like I
  • 00:09:24.613 --> 00:09:27.182
  • thought I would," and youwon't be so disappointed.
  • 00:09:27.215 --> 00:09:30.251
  • You see, some of theexpectations we place on the
  • 00:09:30.285 --> 00:09:32.787
  • people we love are guaranteeddisappointments, and that's
  • 00:09:32.821 --> 00:09:35.490
  • because our very deepest needsas human beings can only be
  • 00:09:35.523 --> 00:09:39.427
  • filled by God.
  • 00:09:39.461 --> 00:09:42.864
  • Those deepest needs ofsignificance and value can only
  • 00:09:42.897 --> 00:09:45.734
  • be filled by theone who created us.
  • 00:09:45.767 --> 00:09:49.070
  • And so, when we look to anotherhuman to try to give us worth,
  • 00:09:49.104 --> 00:09:53.008
  • it's always gonnaend up the same way.
  • 00:09:53.041 --> 00:09:56.911
  • We will always feel bitterlydisappointed, and they'll always
  • 00:09:56.945 --> 00:10:00.148
  • feel like a failure.
  • 00:10:00.181 --> 00:10:02.684
  • But it's unrealistic to imaginethat throughout your whole
  • 00:10:02.717 --> 00:10:05.220
  • marriage, you're always goingto just gaze into each other's
  • 00:10:05.253 --> 00:10:08.023
  • eyes, enraptured and amazed justlike the day you stood at
  • 00:10:08.056 --> 00:10:12.027
  • the altar.
  • 00:10:12.060 --> 00:10:14.863
  • I mean, when you get married,you give the person you married
  • 00:10:14.896 --> 00:10:18.033
  • a front-row seat, that ticketto see the best and the worst
  • 00:10:18.066 --> 00:10:20.802
  • in you.
  • 00:10:20.835 --> 00:10:23.872
  • So here's what's realistic andactually way better: It's that
  • 00:10:23.905 --> 00:10:27.008
  • throughout your marriage, youcan look together at God, and
  • 00:10:27.042 --> 00:10:31.579
  • so, instead of just looking ateach other to meet each other's
  • 00:10:31.613 --> 00:10:35.016
  • needs, we look together toGod and become more and more
  • 00:10:35.050 --> 00:10:38.887
  • enraptured and amazed with whathe can do, that he can actually
  • 00:10:38.920 --> 00:10:43.425
  • make something beautifulout of two broken people.
  • 00:10:43.458 --> 00:10:48.663
  • Kerry: I want us to open ourBibles to Ezekiel chapter 11,
  • 00:10:48.697 --> 00:10:52.400
  • verse 19, because it's our keypassage today, and it shows us
  • 00:10:52.434 --> 00:10:56.071
  • that lasting relationshipsare built from the heart.
  • 00:10:56.104 --> 00:11:00.075
  • God is speaking to his peoplehere, and he's also speaking to
  • 00:11:00.108 --> 00:11:02.744
  • us today, and he gets rightto the heart of relationships.
  • 00:11:02.777 --> 00:11:06.548
  • So would you stand in honor ofGod's Word, Woodlands Church?
  • 00:11:06.581 --> 00:11:09.084
  • It's a really short verse, butit is so deep and powerful when
  • 00:11:09.117 --> 00:11:13.154
  • it comes to relationships.
  • 00:11:13.188 --> 00:11:15.623
  • This is what it's all about.
  • 00:11:15.657 --> 00:11:17.992
  • God says, "And I will give themsingleness of heart and put a
  • 00:11:18.026 --> 00:11:21.463
  • new spirit within them.
  • 00:11:21.496 --> 00:11:24.065
  • I will take away their stony,stubborn heart and give them a
  • 00:11:24.099 --> 00:11:26.768
  • tender, responsive heart."
  • 00:11:26.801 --> 00:11:30.305
  • You can be seated.
  • 00:11:30.338 --> 00:11:33.108
  • And I want you to underline"singleness of heart."
  • 00:11:33.141 --> 00:11:36.044
  • Singleness of heart.
  • 00:11:36.077 --> 00:11:38.446
  • The biggest problem God's peoplehad was that their hearts
  • 00:11:38.480 --> 00:11:40.715
  • were divided.
  • 00:11:40.749 --> 00:11:43.184
  • They loved God with part oftheir heart, and then they tried
  • 00:11:43.218 --> 00:11:45.453
  • to be God with another partof their heart, and that's our
  • 00:11:45.487 --> 00:11:48.189
  • biggest problem, and the biggestbarrier to close and deep
  • 00:11:48.223 --> 00:11:51.025
  • relationships is a dividedheart, and God wants to give you
  • 00:11:51.059 --> 00:11:54.462
  • singleness of heart.
  • 00:11:54.496 --> 00:11:57.632
  • You were made for connection.
  • 00:11:57.665 --> 00:11:59.734
  • So when you start to loseconnection in your closest
  • 00:11:59.768 --> 00:12:01.970
  • relationships, a primal fearcomes up in your life, and you
  • 00:12:02.003 --> 00:12:04.973
  • start doing, many times,destructive things that make
  • 00:12:05.006 --> 00:12:09.010
  • even more disconnected.
  • 00:12:09.043 --> 00:12:11.412
  • It's our fear of losingconnection that causes most of
  • 00:12:11.446 --> 00:12:13.748
  • the problems in the marriagerelationship, and most couples
  • 00:12:13.782 --> 00:12:17.418
  • never recognize itas the root problem.
  • 00:12:17.452 --> 00:12:21.656
  • They're always talkin' aboutthat surface issue and arguing
  • 00:12:21.689 --> 00:12:25.560
  • over that, back and forth.
  • 00:12:25.593 --> 00:12:28.463
  • And what you have to do is getdown to the heart of the matter.
  • 00:12:28.496 --> 00:12:33.034
  • Let us illustrate it this way.
  • 00:12:33.067 --> 00:12:36.070
  • Chris, I'm gonnagive you a sword.
  • 00:12:36.104 --> 00:12:38.273
  • This is gonna get real exciting.
  • 00:12:38.306 --> 00:12:40.975
  • And I'm gonna give you a shield.
  • 00:12:41.009 --> 00:12:43.711
  • It's the real deal.
  • 00:12:43.745 --> 00:12:46.381
  • And what we're gonna do isdemonstrate how it tends to work
  • 00:12:46.414 --> 00:12:49.050
  • because most of the conflictthat marriages have and a lot of
  • 00:12:49.083 --> 00:12:54.656
  • the conflict in otherrelationships as well comes out
  • 00:12:54.689 --> 00:12:57.625
  • of this fear oflosing connection.
  • 00:12:57.659 --> 00:13:00.929
  • Now, the first reallydestructive way that people
  • 00:13:00.962 --> 00:13:04.065
  • fight when they fear losingconnection is what we call
  • 00:13:04.098 --> 00:13:06.801
  • attack-attack, and that'swhen you begin to fear losing
  • 00:13:06.835 --> 00:13:11.072
  • connection, so you startblaming, and you
  • 00:13:11.105 --> 00:13:13.875
  • start attacking.
  • 00:13:13.908 --> 00:13:16.611
  • It's like, "Well, you didthis, and you did that.
  • 00:13:16.644 --> 00:13:18.947
  • I wouldn't do this ifyou didn't act that way.
  • 00:13:18.980 --> 00:13:21.082
  • It's your fault."
  • 00:13:21.115 --> 00:13:23.084
  • And you're both attacking eachother, one attack after the
  • 00:13:23.117 --> 00:13:25.353
  • other, and it really isdestructive in a huge way.
  • 00:13:25.386 --> 00:13:31.059
  • So she goes right for the heart,yeah, and she's brilliant
  • 00:13:31.092 --> 00:13:35.296
  • in arguments.
  • 00:13:35.330 --> 00:13:37.966
  • You know, she's like aprosecuting attorney, you know,
  • 00:13:37.999 --> 00:13:40.401
  • and it's just like, there'sjust no way to ever win
  • 00:13:40.435 --> 00:13:43.104
  • intellectually with her.
  • 00:13:43.137 --> 00:13:45.306
  • Chris: Thank you?
  • 00:13:45.340 --> 00:13:47.775
  • Kerry: Yes, yeah, it's true.
  • 00:13:47.809 --> 00:13:50.912
  • It is so true, and we've beenhavin' therapy all week, and
  • 00:13:50.945 --> 00:13:52.981
  • it's been wonderful for us.
  • 00:13:53.014 --> 00:13:55.283
  • So anyway, I hope youget somethin' out of it.
  • 00:13:55.316 --> 00:13:58.019
  • But it is that attack.
  • 00:13:58.052 --> 00:14:00.255
  • Attack is one really common way,but really, it's just two people
  • 00:14:00.288 --> 00:14:02.924
  • fearing losing connection, butwhat happens with attack-attack,
  • 00:14:02.957 --> 00:14:06.461
  • it's a vicious cycle where youget even more disconnected.
  • 00:14:06.494 --> 00:14:11.199
  • All you feel is the attack.
  • 00:14:11.232 --> 00:14:13.801
  • Instead of seeing the attackas "I'm afraid of losing
  • 00:14:13.835 --> 00:14:16.070
  • connection," we just feel theattack, and we're just talkin'
  • 00:14:16.104 --> 00:14:19.574
  • about surface-level issues.
  • 00:14:19.607 --> 00:14:22.644
  • We're not ever gettingdown to the heart.
  • 00:14:22.677 --> 00:14:25.480
  • But the second and the mostcommon way most couples interact
  • 00:14:25.513 --> 00:14:28.383
  • in conflict that's sodestructive and it becomes a
  • 00:14:28.416 --> 00:14:30.985
  • vicious cycle isnot attack-attack.
  • 00:14:31.019 --> 00:14:33.788
  • It's attack-withdraw, where oneis feeling like they're startin'
  • 00:14:33.821 --> 00:14:38.092
  • to lose connection, and the fearof disconnection comes up, and
  • 00:14:38.126 --> 00:14:40.962
  • so they will attack.
  • 00:14:40.995 --> 00:14:43.831
  • And then the other will feelattacked and be afraid they
  • 00:14:43.865 --> 00:14:46.200
  • don't have what it takes toreally connect, so they'll
  • 00:14:46.234 --> 00:14:48.970
  • withdraw a little bit, and theother one will then attack even
  • 00:14:49.003 --> 00:14:51.205
  • more to try to get thatconnection back and--I'm about
  • 00:14:51.239 --> 00:14:54.575
  • to go off the stage, babe.
  • 00:14:54.609 --> 00:14:57.211
  • So anyway, we don't wantthat to happen again.
  • 00:14:57.245 --> 00:14:59.981
  • So, anyway, but that playsout in so many relationships.
  • 00:15:00.014 --> 00:15:04.819
  • It could be the husbandattacking, the wife withdrawing.
  • 00:15:04.852 --> 00:15:07.722
  • It could be the wife attacking,the husband withdrawing.
  • 00:15:07.755 --> 00:15:10.792
  • In our relationship, it'susually Chris feeling that fear
  • 00:15:10.825 --> 00:15:14.595
  • of losing connection, and mekind of withdrawing and movin'
  • 00:15:14.629 --> 00:15:17.966
  • away, fearing that I don't havewhat it takes to really connect
  • 00:15:17.999 --> 00:15:21.069
  • and that she doesn't wannabe connected, and I fear that
  • 00:15:21.102 --> 00:15:23.771
  • losing connection,and I withdraw.
  • 00:15:23.805 --> 00:15:26.574
  • And we'll give you an issuethat this happens with.
  • 00:15:26.607 --> 00:15:30.011
  • Chris: So, for instance,I might say, "Hey--"
  • 00:15:30.044 --> 00:15:33.014
  • I'll give him a call.
  • 00:15:33.047 --> 00:15:35.149
  • "Hey, the family is all heresitting down waiting because,
  • 00:15:35.183 --> 00:15:37.785
  • remember, we were goingto eat together at 6:30.
  • 00:15:37.819 --> 00:15:40.989
  • Well, everybody's here,and we're waiting on you.
  • 00:15:41.022 --> 00:15:43.791
  • One person's missing.
  • 00:15:43.825 --> 00:15:45.994
  • And so where are you,and why aren't you here?
  • 00:15:46.027 --> 00:15:48.463
  • 'Cause I told you to be here,and you said you would, but
  • 00:15:48.496 --> 00:15:51.099
  • you're not."
  • 00:15:51.132 --> 00:15:53.634
  • Kerry: And then I come back.
  • 00:15:53.668 --> 00:15:55.803
  • As I'm withdrawing, I'mgoin', "Well, I've got so many
  • 00:15:55.837 --> 00:15:58.039
  • important things to do.
  • 00:15:58.072 --> 00:15:59.807
  • I'm a man of God,serving the Lord.
  • 00:15:59.841 --> 00:16:01.376
  • I'm meeting the needsof hurting people."
  • 00:16:01.409 --> 00:16:03.344
  • Chris: God gave you a watch.
  • 00:16:03.378 --> 00:16:05.380
  • He gave you a clock, a car.
  • 00:16:05.413 --> 00:16:07.515
  • Kerry: "A thousand years isunto a day to the Lord," so it's
  • 00:16:07.548 --> 00:16:09.951
  • totally different.
  • 00:16:09.984 --> 00:16:11.352
  • Chris: I am not the Lord.
  • 00:16:11.386 --> 00:16:12.787
  • Kerry: Because I'ma thousand years late.
  • 00:16:12.820 --> 00:16:14.856
  • But that's kind of what happens,but I will withdraw because it's
  • 00:16:14.889 --> 00:16:17.225
  • like I feel like she's rejectingme, and she feels like I'm
  • 00:16:17.258 --> 00:16:22.063
  • devaluing her.
  • 00:16:22.096 --> 00:16:23.765
  • She's losing connection.
  • 00:16:23.798 --> 00:16:25.199
  • It makes her feel totallyunvalued that I didn't call, and
  • 00:16:25.233 --> 00:16:29.037
  • I got caught up in work,and I'm thinkin', "What?
  • 00:16:29.070 --> 00:16:31.939
  • I mean, what doyou expect of me?
  • 00:16:31.973 --> 00:16:34.208
  • I'm tryin' as hard as I can,"and the way it would go, we
  • 00:16:34.242 --> 00:16:37.011
  • would argue about those things,attack and withdraw, attack and
  • 00:16:37.045 --> 00:16:40.948
  • withdraw, but what we've learnedis that, when Chris starts to
  • 00:16:40.982 --> 00:16:45.019
  • attack, it's not a swordwith the word "attack" on it.
  • 00:16:45.053 --> 00:16:49.457
  • On the other side of thatsword is "I fear losing
  • 00:16:49.490 --> 00:16:52.360
  • our connection.
  • 00:16:52.393 --> 00:16:54.662
  • You're so valuable to me."
  • 00:16:54.695 --> 00:16:56.864
  • And when I raise the shield upand start to withdraw, it's not
  • 00:16:56.898 --> 00:16:58.966
  • a shield saying, "I don'tlove you, and I devalue you."
  • 00:16:59.000 --> 00:17:01.436
  • It's a shield that says, "I'mafraid of your rejection and
  • 00:17:01.469 --> 00:17:04.005
  • losing connection, and that'swhat I'm really afraid of."
  • 00:17:04.038 --> 00:17:07.175
  • And so it's this vicious cycle,though, that destroys so many
  • 00:17:07.208 --> 00:17:10.411
  • marriages and relationships.
  • 00:17:10.445 --> 00:17:12.947
  • And so we've come to this placewhere we realize, "Oh, we're
  • 00:17:12.980 --> 00:17:15.817
  • doin' the vicious cycle again."
  • 00:17:15.850 --> 00:17:18.352
  • And that's what you can do.
  • 00:17:18.386 --> 00:17:20.555
  • You can stop and recognize it'cause you know when you're
  • 00:17:20.588 --> 00:17:22.790
  • doin' it, and it just getsworse and worse and worse 'cause
  • 00:17:22.824 --> 00:17:25.026
  • you're tryin' towin the argument.
  • 00:17:25.059 --> 00:17:26.961
  • "She's unreasonable."
  • 00:17:26.994 --> 00:17:29.230
  • You know, and "He doesn't reallycare about me," you know, and so
  • 00:17:29.263 --> 00:17:31.933
  • you just go around and around.
  • 00:17:31.966 --> 00:17:34.135
  • It's a vicious cycle.
  • 00:17:34.168 --> 00:17:36.170
  • So now we say, "Wait a minute,we're doin' the vicious cycle,
  • 00:17:36.204 --> 00:17:38.406
  • aren't we?"
  • 00:17:38.439 --> 00:17:40.575
  • "Yep."
  • 00:17:40.608 --> 00:17:42.944
  • We can even laugh about it,"Doin' the vicious cycle."
  • 00:17:42.977 --> 00:17:45.379
  • And it's all becausewe want the same thing.
  • 00:17:45.413 --> 00:17:47.782
  • We're afraid oflosing connection.
  • 00:17:47.815 --> 00:17:49.984
  • We want the same thing.
  • 00:17:50.017 --> 00:17:52.019
  • And once you realize that, itchanges everything, but what
  • 00:17:52.053 --> 00:17:54.188
  • happens a lot of times is, overtime, with attack-attack or
  • 00:17:54.222 --> 00:17:56.657
  • attack-withdraw, both of themdrop the sword and the shield
  • 00:17:56.691 --> 00:17:59.060
  • because they're afraid of losingconnection, and it hurts
  • 00:17:59.093 --> 00:18:01.496
  • so much.
  • 00:18:01.529 --> 00:18:03.631
  • They're tired of bein' hurt, andso they just give up, and that's
  • 00:18:03.664 --> 00:18:05.833
  • a way to keep from having thatfear of losing connection.
  • 00:18:05.867 --> 00:18:08.536
  • Just give up connection.
  • 00:18:08.569 --> 00:18:10.972
  • You know, it's hurtful, butthey just give up, and it's just
  • 00:18:11.005 --> 00:18:13.541
  • withdraw-withdraw, and that'sthe worst thing that can happen.
  • 00:18:13.574 --> 00:18:16.377
  • And so Chris is gonna share withyou not just how to recognize
  • 00:18:16.410 --> 00:18:20.515
  • this--you gotta recognize whenyou're in the vicious cycle, but
  • 00:18:20.548 --> 00:18:23.451
  • then you gotta do somethin'about it, to connect not with
  • 00:18:23.484 --> 00:18:27.054
  • the head but with the heart.
  • 00:18:27.088 --> 00:18:30.458
  • Chris: And the second way tomelt the barriers that hold you
  • 00:18:30.491 --> 00:18:33.227
  • back is to practiceconnecting on a deeper level.
  • 00:18:33.261 --> 00:18:39.066
  • Psalms 119, versus 77 through79, says, "Oh, love me, and
  • 00:18:39.100 --> 00:18:45.740
  • right now, hold me tightjust the way you promised.
  • 00:18:45.773 --> 00:18:51.045
  • Now comfort me so Ican live, really live.
  • 00:18:51.078 --> 00:18:54.982
  • Your revelation isthe tune I dance to."
  • 00:18:55.016 --> 00:18:59.187
  • Isn't that what all of us want?
  • 00:18:59.220 --> 00:19:01.889
  • We really want to be held tight.
  • 00:19:01.923 --> 00:19:04.258
  • We want to be able to dance inthat way we dreamed of in
  • 00:19:04.292 --> 00:19:06.360
  • our relationships.
  • 00:19:06.394 --> 00:19:08.029
  • You have to come to the placewhere you're willing to admit,
  • 00:19:08.062 --> 00:19:10.431
  • "Hey, what we reallywant is connection."
  • 00:19:10.464 --> 00:19:13.034
  • So some of the very practicalthings that we've done--and
  • 00:19:13.067 --> 00:19:16.404
  • they're really simple, but ifyou make 'em a habit, it'll
  • 00:19:16.437 --> 00:19:19.807
  • change things.
  • 00:19:19.840 --> 00:19:22.043
  • So as we talk about these, justlisten, and you can cherry pick
  • 00:19:22.076 --> 00:19:24.378
  • whatever seems to work forsome of your relationships.
  • 00:19:24.412 --> 00:19:27.248
  • One is to look at each other.
  • 00:19:27.281 --> 00:19:30.017
  • And so just looking each otherin the eye at a short distance
  • 00:19:30.051 --> 00:19:32.887
  • has made a bigdifference for us.
  • 00:19:32.920 --> 00:19:35.089
  • Sometimes you can be arguing andbe partway across the room, and
  • 00:19:35.122 --> 00:19:37.491
  • all you're caught up in is thegestures, but we found that when
  • 00:19:37.525 --> 00:19:40.928
  • we are actually close and canlook in each other's eyes, even
  • 00:19:40.962 --> 00:19:44.298
  • if we're mad, that there'ssome deep connection going on.
  • 00:19:44.332 --> 00:19:48.869
  • And then also touch.
  • 00:19:48.903 --> 00:19:51.239
  • Just reaching out and grabbingeach other's hands or, you know,
  • 00:19:51.272 --> 00:19:54.075
  • just putting my hand on--justanything that you're physically
  • 00:19:54.108 --> 00:19:56.944
  • connected when you're reallytrying to work through an issue.
  • 00:19:56.978 --> 00:20:00.615
  • Kerry: It really helps mebecause mine is withdrawing, and
  • 00:20:00.648 --> 00:20:04.285
  • so, when I think about herattacking, I think, "Oh, it's
  • 00:20:04.318 --> 00:20:06.954
  • just because she loves.
  • 00:20:06.988 --> 00:20:09.023
  • She cares."
  • 00:20:09.056 --> 00:20:10.958
  • So I'm not gonna withdraw.
  • 00:20:10.992 --> 00:20:12.994
  • I'm gonna move closer to her.
  • 00:20:13.027 --> 00:20:15.096
  • I'mma look at her.
  • 00:20:15.129 --> 00:20:17.098
  • I'm gonna touch.
  • 00:20:17.131 --> 00:20:19.567
  • Chris: So we're both goingagainst what our natural
  • 00:20:19.600 --> 00:20:22.036
  • instinct is to do andleaning into each other.
  • 00:20:22.069 --> 00:20:24.171
  • And then ask clear questionsand give clear answers.
  • 00:20:24.205 --> 00:20:26.274
  • Don't just assume that youknow why your spouse or teen or
  • 00:20:26.307 --> 00:20:28.643
  • parent did what they did.
  • 00:20:28.676 --> 00:20:31.112
  • Actually ask.
  • 00:20:31.145 --> 00:20:33.381
  • In long-term relationships,especially, like being married
  • 00:20:33.414 --> 00:20:35.650
  • for a long time, we start toassume we know each other so
  • 00:20:35.683 --> 00:20:38.052
  • well: "I know why he did this.
  • 00:20:38.085 --> 00:20:40.221
  • I know what he means."
  • 00:20:40.254 --> 00:20:42.123
  • "I know what she means when shesays that," when, really, they
  • 00:20:42.156 --> 00:20:44.325
  • may mean somethingtotally different.
  • 00:20:44.358 --> 00:20:46.727
  • So it's being willing to admit,"Okay, I may not own all truth.
  • 00:20:46.761 --> 00:20:50.031
  • I may be wrong," and let themanswer for themselves, so just
  • 00:20:50.064 --> 00:20:53.434
  • ask questions.
  • 00:20:53.467 --> 00:20:55.903
  • We tend to judge ourselves byour intentions, and we judge
  • 00:20:55.936 --> 00:20:59.106
  • others by their actions, and soit's kind of learning to flip
  • 00:20:59.140 --> 00:21:02.677
  • that, and I used to tell Kerrythat, "Oh, something--here's
  • 00:21:02.710 --> 00:21:07.181
  • a problem."
  • 00:21:07.214 --> 00:21:09.583
  • Then he'd say, "Oh, well,I didn't mean that."
  • 00:21:09.617 --> 00:21:12.153
  • He thinks that, if he didn'tmean to hurt my feelings,
  • 00:21:12.186 --> 00:21:14.655
  • therefore, they can't be hurt.
  • 00:21:14.689 --> 00:21:17.091
  • Therefore, that's not true.
  • 00:21:17.124 --> 00:21:18.993
  • And I'd say, "Oh, no, itdoesn't work that way."
  • 00:21:19.026 --> 00:21:21.028
  • Kerry: It's "No offense, but--"
  • 00:21:21.062 --> 00:21:23.297
  • And, if I say, "No offense,"you can't take offense.
  • 00:21:23.331 --> 00:21:25.433
  • Chris: And it justdoesn't work that way.
  • 00:21:25.466 --> 00:21:27.468
  • Kerry: That doesn't work.
  • 00:21:27.501 --> 00:21:29.470
  • That doesn't work at all.
  • 00:21:29.503 --> 00:21:31.505
  • Chris: And then try to finda new way to express an
  • 00:21:31.539 --> 00:21:33.641
  • old argument.
  • 00:21:33.674 --> 00:21:35.509
  • So maybe using a word pictureinstead of using those same,
  • 00:21:35.543 --> 00:21:37.611
  • old words.
  • 00:21:37.645 --> 00:21:39.513
  • And for most couples, mostrelationships, really, your
  • 00:21:39.547 --> 00:21:41.515
  • arguments are--the root of themis just a few different things.
  • 00:21:41.549 --> 00:21:43.651
  • Maybe, for you, it is finances,or maybe it's how you deal
  • 00:21:43.684 --> 00:21:47.855
  • in parenting.
  • 00:21:47.888 --> 00:21:51.258
  • Maybe it's your sex life.
  • 00:21:51.292 --> 00:21:53.594
  • Maybe it's in-laws.
  • 00:21:53.627 --> 00:21:56.030
  • Whatever that, you know,touch-point issue is for you, we
  • 00:21:56.063 --> 00:21:58.232
  • tend to always say the same oldthings every time and get into
  • 00:21:58.265 --> 00:22:00.534
  • the same old arguments.
  • 00:22:00.568 --> 00:22:03.070
  • So learning to sayit in a new way.
  • 00:22:03.104 --> 00:22:05.406
  • So giving a word picture.
  • 00:22:05.439 --> 00:22:07.742
  • And that just means saying,"You know, when you--"
  • 00:22:07.775 --> 00:22:10.478
  • it looks something like this:"When you leave the toilet seat
  • 00:22:10.511 --> 00:22:13.147
  • up, it makes me feel devalued.
  • 00:22:13.180 --> 00:22:16.751
  • It makes me feel like I'mworthless, like I'm just one of
  • 00:22:16.784 --> 00:22:19.186
  • the extra things around thehouse you could throw away, like
  • 00:22:19.220 --> 00:22:22.089
  • I'm just not valuable."
  • 00:22:22.123 --> 00:22:25.192
  • Kerry: And what I do now is Irepeat what she said because,
  • 00:22:25.226 --> 00:22:27.962
  • used to, I'd say,"Oh, that's not true."
  • 00:22:27.995 --> 00:22:30.231
  • I would dismiss her feelings.
  • 00:22:30.264 --> 00:22:32.199
  • I'd say, "That's not true.
  • 00:22:32.233 --> 00:22:34.368
  • I value greatly.
  • 00:22:34.402 --> 00:22:36.504
  • That's not why I do that.
  • 00:22:36.537 --> 00:22:38.839
  • I just forget, and it's no bigdeal," and I would devalue
  • 00:22:38.873 --> 00:22:40.975
  • her feelings.
  • 00:22:41.008 --> 00:22:43.477
  • But now all I do is just repeatwhat she said: "And so, when I
  • 00:22:43.511 --> 00:22:46.213
  • leave the toilet seat up, itmakes you feel really devalued,
  • 00:22:46.247 --> 00:22:49.083
  • like I don't care that you fallinto the toilet seat at 1 a.m.?"
  • 00:22:49.116 --> 00:22:52.019
  • Chris: That's what I said.
  • 00:22:52.052 --> 00:22:54.255
  • It makes me feel devalued.
  • 00:22:54.288 --> 00:22:56.724
  • Kerry: "So it makesyou feel devalued?"
  • 00:22:56.757 --> 00:22:59.126
  • Then I'll stop, and I'llreally try to put myself in
  • 00:22:59.160 --> 00:23:01.228
  • her position.
  • 00:23:01.262 --> 00:23:03.330
  • I'll try to feel it.
  • 00:23:03.364 --> 00:23:05.533
  • You see, this is notabout the head anymore.
  • 00:23:05.566 --> 00:23:07.802
  • Chris: It's not a good feeling.
  • 00:23:07.835 --> 00:23:09.970
  • You're gonna find out.
  • 00:23:10.004 --> 00:23:12.206
  • Kerry: And see, I actuallythink, "Okay, okay, falling into
  • 00:23:12.239 --> 00:23:14.475
  • the toilet seat at that timeof--that's--boy, that must
  • 00:23:14.508 --> 00:23:17.011
  • feel awful."
  • 00:23:17.044 --> 00:23:19.613
  • Chris: Now you get the picture.
  • 00:23:19.647 --> 00:23:21.749
  • Kerry: Yeah, and so, when wefirst started doin' this, it
  • 00:23:21.782 --> 00:23:23.851
  • was--kind of felt awkward, tome, and kind of, like, rote and
  • 00:23:23.884 --> 00:23:25.986
  • hypocritical because I wouldjust repeat, and it was hard for
  • 00:23:26.020 --> 00:23:28.389
  • me to get in touch with myfeelings because I'm used
  • 00:23:28.422 --> 00:23:30.825
  • to arguing.
  • 00:23:30.858 --> 00:23:33.060
  • You know, oh, I was just doin'the arguments that never worked.
  • 00:23:33.093 --> 00:23:35.362
  • And so now I realize it's allabout emotional connection, and
  • 00:23:35.396 --> 00:23:37.665
  • if you don't connectemotionally, then you're not
  • 00:23:37.698 --> 00:23:39.667
  • getting anywhere.
  • 00:23:39.700 --> 00:23:41.569
  • It's all about heart connection.
  • 00:23:41.602 --> 00:23:43.671
  • That falls out your heartso--and over time, as I've said,
  • 00:23:43.704 --> 00:23:45.873
  • "So, when I do this, itmakes you feel this way?"
  • 00:23:45.906 --> 00:23:47.975
  • instead of saying, "No,that wasn't my intention.
  • 00:23:48.008 --> 00:23:50.110
  • I didn't mean to do that.
  • 00:23:50.144 --> 00:23:51.846
  • I didn't mean to makeyou feel that way.
  • 00:23:51.879 --> 00:23:53.481
  • That's not what it is.
  • 00:23:53.514 --> 00:23:55.216
  • You're wrong.
  • 00:23:55.249 --> 00:23:57.084
  • Your feelings are wrong."
  • 00:23:57.117 --> 00:23:58.819
  • It's like affirmingher feelings.
  • 00:23:58.853 --> 00:24:00.788
  • She affirms my feelings.
  • 00:24:00.821 --> 00:24:02.623
  • We do this back and forth.
  • 00:24:02.656 --> 00:24:04.391
  • She affirms my feelings, andthen I say--I think about how
  • 00:24:04.425 --> 00:24:06.360
  • it feels.
  • 00:24:06.393 --> 00:24:08.262
  • I go, "Man, that mustfeel really lonely.
  • 00:24:08.295 --> 00:24:10.030
  • That must feelreally, you know, bad.
  • 00:24:10.064 --> 00:24:11.999
  • That must feel really--make youfeel really fearful," you know.
  • 00:24:12.032 --> 00:24:13.868
  • And then we'reconnected in our hearts.
  • 00:24:13.901 --> 00:24:15.636
  • Hey, remember, it'snot about here.
  • 00:24:15.669 --> 00:24:17.471
  • It's about here.
  • 00:24:17.505 --> 00:24:19.406
  • It's a heart-level connectionthat you need, and that breaks
  • 00:24:19.440 --> 00:24:21.475
  • through everything.
  • 00:24:21.509 --> 00:24:23.377
  • But there's a third thing.
  • 00:24:23.410 --> 00:24:25.212
  • Decide to be broken togetherand connected to God together.
  • 00:24:25.246 --> 00:24:27.281
  • See, you're broken.
  • 00:24:27.314 --> 00:24:29.183
  • We're all brokenas human beings.
  • 00:24:29.216 --> 00:24:31.285
  • Hey, we're all broken, and wehave to bring that brokenness
  • 00:24:31.318 --> 00:24:33.187
  • to God.
  • 00:24:33.220 --> 00:24:35.289
  • We can't bring the brokenness toour spouse and say, "It's all up
  • 00:24:35.322 --> 00:24:37.892
  • to you to make mewhole and complete."
  • 00:24:37.925 --> 00:24:40.261
  • No human being can do that, andyou can't point to your spouse
  • 00:24:40.294 --> 00:24:42.830
  • and go, "You'rebroken, you know.
  • 00:24:42.863 --> 00:24:45.432
  • I'm gonna fix you.
  • 00:24:45.466 --> 00:24:47.401
  • I'm gonna change you."
  • 00:24:47.434 --> 00:24:49.436
  • That never works.
  • 00:24:49.470 --> 00:24:51.305
  • But we can be broken togetherand bring our brokenness to God.
  • 00:24:51.338 --> 00:24:53.641
  • Look at Romans 8:38, "And I amconvinced that nothing can ever
  • 00:24:53.674 --> 00:24:56.844
  • separate us from God's love.
  • 00:24:56.877 --> 00:24:58.979
  • Neither death nor life, neitherangels, nor demons, neither our
  • 00:24:59.013 --> 00:25:00.915
  • fears for today nor our worriesabout tomorrow, not even the
  • 00:25:00.948 --> 00:25:04.552
  • powers of hell can separateus from God's love."
  • 00:25:04.585 --> 00:25:08.822
  • You see, we don't have to beafraid of losing connection with
  • 00:25:08.856 --> 00:25:10.958
  • God if you're a Christ-follower.
  • 00:25:10.991 --> 00:25:14.128
  • He loves you.
  • 00:25:14.161 --> 00:25:15.996
  • Nothing can separateyou from God's love.
  • 00:25:16.030 --> 00:25:17.932
  • You can move away from him andnot be connected like you need
  • 00:25:17.965 --> 00:25:20.200
  • to be for power andstrength and peace.
  • 00:25:20.234 --> 00:25:23.637
  • God desires such a connectionwith us, and we're broken.
  • 00:25:23.671 --> 00:25:27.575
  • And together, Chris and I havedecided that, "Hey, we can just
  • 00:25:27.608 --> 00:25:30.344
  • be broken together.
  • 00:25:30.377 --> 00:25:32.546
  • I'm not depending onyou to make me whole."
  • 00:25:32.580 --> 00:25:35.049
  • She's not depending on me tomake her whole, but we can look
  • 00:25:35.082 --> 00:25:38.152
  • at each other and then look tothe Lord together, and we bring
  • 00:25:38.185 --> 00:25:42.022
  • our brokenness to God becausethat's our only choice, and
  • 00:25:42.056 --> 00:25:45.025
  • that's when marriage works best.
  • 00:25:45.059 --> 00:25:47.595
  • It's like, you know, we havethese broken pieces of our
  • 00:25:47.628 --> 00:25:50.064
  • heart, and we come together, andwe put 'em all together, so she
  • 00:25:50.097 --> 00:25:52.833
  • knows the good, bad, and ugly,and all my brokenness, and she
  • 00:25:52.866 --> 00:25:55.836
  • loves me still.
  • 00:25:55.869 --> 00:25:58.038
  • I know all the good, bad, andugly about her, her brokenness,
  • 00:25:58.072 --> 00:26:00.674
  • and I love her still, but wehave to take the brokenness, and
  • 00:26:00.708 --> 00:26:04.111
  • together, we bring thebrokenness to God, and we give
  • 00:26:04.144 --> 00:26:06.780
  • our brokenness to God, and hemakes somethin' beautiful out
  • 00:26:06.814 --> 00:26:09.783
  • of it.
  • 00:26:09.817 --> 00:26:11.352
  • ♪♪♪
  • 00:26:11.385 --> 00:26:18.659
  • announcer: As we begin 2021,it's more important than ever to
  • 00:26:21.261 --> 00:26:25.833
  • stay focused on Christ andhis desires for our life.
  • 00:26:25.866 --> 00:26:29.937
  • At Kerry Shook Ministries, wewanna help you make goals, break
  • 00:26:29.970 --> 00:26:33.007
  • bad habits, and strive toaccomplish more than
  • 00:26:33.040 --> 00:26:35.876
  • ever before.
  • 00:26:35.909 --> 00:26:38.612
  • This year, as you assess yourlife and make goals, Pastors
  • 00:26:38.646 --> 00:26:41.515
  • Kerry and Chris Shook want tohelp lead you on a journey of
  • 00:26:41.548 --> 00:26:44.451
  • spiritual clarity and discovery.
  • 00:26:44.485 --> 00:26:48.088
  • Today, with your best gift ofsupport, they want to send you a
  • 00:26:48.122 --> 00:26:50.658
  • copy of the tenth anniversaryedition of their best-selling
  • 00:26:50.691 --> 00:26:53.127
  • book, "One Month to Live,"along with their best-selling
  • 00:26:53.160 --> 00:26:56.664
  • devotional, "Strengthin the Storm."
  • 00:26:56.697 --> 00:26:59.500
  • Together, these resources willprepare you to face both the
  • 00:26:59.533 --> 00:27:02.369
  • challenging andrewarding days ahead.
  • 00:27:02.403 --> 00:27:06.240
  • This special bundle may be justwhat you need to step into what
  • 00:27:06.273 --> 00:27:08.876
  • God has in storefor you this year.
  • 00:27:08.909 --> 00:27:12.713
  • Call us now at 844-34-KERRY, orgo online to KerryShook.org, to
  • 00:27:12.746 --> 00:27:19.053
  • request your special resources.
  • 00:27:19.086 --> 00:27:21.789
  • ♪♪♪
  • 00:27:22.990 --> 00:27:29.596