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Beyond the Bubble: Communication Bubble

Kerry Shook Ministries with Kerry Shook

November 22, 2020

27:29

Pastors Kerry and Chris share how to break barriers in communication and improve relationships.

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Beyond the Bubble: Communication Bubble

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to break out of theme-first bubble and to
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bind yourselves together.
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♪♪♪
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Chris Shook: Today we're goingto be talking about the bubble
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of communication.
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And I don't know aboutyou, but I have often
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wondered how do you dealwith those really tough
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people in your life, youknow, have those
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tough conversations.
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Well, Kerry and Idiscovered something
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that's worked great forus, and that is bubble
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bumper therapy,bubble bumper therapy.
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It's awesome.
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We tried it out, take a look.
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male: Well, welcome tobubble bumper therapy.
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♪♪♪
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male: Pastors Kerry and ChrisShook, guys, welcome to bubble
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bumper therapy.
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How are we feeling?
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Kerry: It's the bestmarriage therapy we've
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ever had.
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We don't evenargue anymore.
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We don't fight, there'sno conflicts.
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Everything'sgoing really good.
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male: So youknow the rules.
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It's very simple.
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It's a game of soccer.
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And you guys actuallydecided you wanted to play
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for something, geta little bit more
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competitive, raise the stakes.
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Kerry: Loser goes intothe bubble for a week.
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male: That's afantastic idea.
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You guys ready?
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Chris: Let's do it.
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male: Let's do this.
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male: Balls up again, here wego, three, two, one, go.
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Chris: Kerry and I lovethis bubble therapy so much.
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It's helped usdecrease our stress.
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It's all worth it.
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Kerry: My wife is sosweet, so kind, so
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amazing, and I think thistherapy is really the
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whole key to why she's--
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male: Chris,really great today.
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I mean, I think thisimprovement is going to go
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a long way for you.
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Kerry, we're going to giveyou a week in the bubble
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to just think about some waysyou could be improved.
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Chris: This is so great.
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♪♪♪
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Here you go, babe.
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[inaudible]
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Yes.
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Kerry: Help.
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Kerry: Well, I came outof the bubble finally.
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I got a lot of bruisesfrom that video.
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But the crazy thing was,I think it really was
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therapy for Chris and thatscares me a little bit.
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Chris: I'll be honest,it was pretty awesome.
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It was--I recommend it.
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Kerry: Hey, we'rein this series.
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It's all about how tobreak out of our own
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selfish bubble so that wecan stop trying to create
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a world that revolvesaround us and we can
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experience a world thatrevolves around connecting
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with God andconnecting with others.
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So today we're goingto talk about that
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communication bubblebecause the number one
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problem in mostrelationships today is we
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get stuck in our owncommunication bubble and
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it's really hard to breakout of it, and it causes
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communication breakdown.
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Military commanders andexperts know if you want
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to win the battle, thefirst thing you have to do
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is knock out the lines ofcommunication of your enemy.
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If you bomb theircommunication centers,
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then all the units can'tcommunicate with each
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other, and so the units areisolated and that creates fear
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and confusion andprevents them from coming
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together for acounterattack.
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And our enemy, Satan,knows if he can break down
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the lines of communicationbetween a parent and a
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teenager, between ahusband and a wife,
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between a boss and anemployee, between two
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coworkers or two friends,then he has free rein to
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destroy the relationship.
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The enemy knows if he canget two people each stuck
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in their own communicationbubble, then it doesn't
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take very long for thatbubble to become a bubble
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of isolation and anger andfear, and eventually it
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forms a bubble ofbitterness that surrounds
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the whole relationship andsuffocates the life and
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the love right out of it.
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So I want you to openyour Bibles to Ephesians
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chapter 4 as we lookat our key verse.
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It's just one simplebut profound verse.
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So would you stand inhonor of God's Word and
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just follow along with me.
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"Make every effort to keepyourselves united in the
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spirit, binding yourselvestogether with peace."
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You can be seated.
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Now, I want you to reallyfocus in on that part of
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Ephesians 4:3 that saysbinding yourselves together.
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So the goal in a closerelationship is to break
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out of the me-first bubbleand to bind yourselves
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together in unity.
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Now, it doesn't meanyou'll agree with the
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other personabout everything.
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If two people agree abouteverything, then one is
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not necessary.
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No, you're going to havedifferent thoughts,
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different attitudes.
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You're going to come fromdifferent backgrounds,
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have different interests,different desires, but yet
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in a close relationshipyou're united and understanding.
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That brings so much peace.
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United and seeking tounderstand each other
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because there's nobubbles between you.
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You're reallycommunicating on a
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deeper level.
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But notice the firstpart of that verse.
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It says make every effortto keep yourselves united.
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It's going totake every effort.
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It takes so much work tobreak out of communication
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bubbles and into theheart of another person.
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It takes constant work.
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It takes intentionalitybecause relationships
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naturally drift apart.
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And so you got to getreally intentional about
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breaking out of your ownlittle bubble and into the
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heart of someone else.
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Chris: Not long ago, Kerryand I were in the backyard
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with our 5-year-oldgrandson, Ben, and we
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found a turtle.
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Ben was absolutelythrilled with this turtle.
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I mean, he's 5 years old.
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There's nothing betteryou could find in the backyard.
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I mean, take a look atthis picture to see the
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joy of finding a turtle.
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But let me tellyou something.
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Take a look.
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That turtle has its headpoked inside its shell,
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and that reallygot me thinking.
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Because, you know, turtlespull their heads in
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whenever they're alittle bit scared.
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And I told Ben--you know,he looked at this turtle,
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thought it was great, andI said, "Let's make a home
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for him under a bush here.
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We could put some leavesand some grass and some
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water 'cause it'sa really hot day.
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Let's put thisturtle--make a little home."
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And Ben looked out at meand he said, "Actually,
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his shell is his home.
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He doesn't need one.
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Because, you know, hepulls his head in and out.
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He comes in and out of hishouse whenever he wants
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to, but his houseis himself."
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And when he said that,I thought, "Okay, pretty
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wise," because a lot of us aremaking our own selves our home.
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We're just hiding withina shell, and we stay right
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there hidden away in ourlittle shell and we wonder
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why we feel so alone,so disconnected.
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And there's a lot that wecan learn from that turtle
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about how and how notto live in relationships
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because a turtle pullsinside of its shell when
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it senses any kind ofdanger, any kind of fear,
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and really we'rethe same way.
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We pull inside of our ownshells and hide whenever
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we feel fear, but usuallyit's fear of rejection.
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The fear of rejection willmake us pull inside our
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shells, and so we'regoing to talk about that.
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We're going to talk aboutthree ways to go from
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having these relationshipsthat just aren't working,
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the breakdownrelationships, into
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breakthroughrelationships.
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So I want you to havewhatever relationship
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that's tough in yourlife--whatever is tough
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right now, thinkabout that.
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Have that in mind whilewe talk about this today.
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We're going to try tomake it really practical
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because the first thingthat we need to do to go
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from breakdown tobreakthrough in
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relationships is to movefrom hiding to revealing,
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move from hidingto revealing.
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Now, hiding is just ourknee jerk reaction when we
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feel any kind of fear,and as I said, usually of
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rejection, we start to hide.
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Now you may bethinking, "Oh, hold it.
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I don't hide.
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This doesn't applyto me really.
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I mean, I'd love to hide.
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I would love to have anhour to myself sometime,
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but actually between myfamily and my work, my
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responsibilities, I don'tget to hide at all."
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Well, that's not whatwe're talking about here.
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We're talking about hidingaway inside our shells.
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You may be showing up witha lot of people, but all
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they see is your shell.
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They see the front thatyou want to put up, but
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they don't reallyget to see you.
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You may be preventingrejection, but you're also
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preventing reallybeing connected.
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Doesn't matter how manypeople you're around, you
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can still feel incrediblylonely unless you allow
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your heart to be known.
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And so I want you to lookat this verse: Psalm 125,
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verse 2.
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"As the mountains surroundJerusalem, so the Lord
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surrounds his people bothnow and forevermore."
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That is wonderful news.
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Here's the great reality,the truth we want you to
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know today.
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You don't have to put upthat shell, that bubble
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around yourselfto deflect hurt.
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You can let go of all thatbecause the Lord Jesus is
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surrounding you.
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You see, Jerusalemis a city on a hill.
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It's kind of a platform,but also it's surrounded
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by taller hills.
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It's a city surroundedcompletely, and that's the
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picture of thereality for you and I.
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Our God--our strong Godsurrounds us on every side.
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We don't have toself-protect because he's
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the one protecting us.
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So I've told you whathiding looks like for real
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in relationships.
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Well, what does revealingreally look like?
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Just sounds like, youknow, nice words unless
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you really take aclose look at it.
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Well, the first thing isthat we're going to feel
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afraid, when we reveal, we'regoing to feel afraid.
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And Psalms 56, verse 3says, "When I am afraid, I
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will put my trust in you."
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Maybe you've memorized alot of Scripture in your
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life; maybeyou never have.
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I encourage you to committhis one, Psalm 56:3, to
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memory today.
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"When I am afraid, I willput my trust in you."
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I love that it doesn'tsay if you're afraid, but
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when, because the truth is, weall get afraid all the time,
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and that's okay aslong as we turn and put
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our trust in the Lord andnot in ourselves and our
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own ability to hide.
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So that revealing, onething it looks like is
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being willing to actuallyrisk what comes next,
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risking whatever isgoing to come next.
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Normally, we kind oftry to control where the
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relationship and theconversation goes.
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So trusting means lettinggo of all that, saying,
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"Well, this--you know,what happens next, where
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this conversation heads,I'm leaving it up to the
00:11:58.667 --> 00:12:02.138
Lord. I can relaxbecause he surrounds me."
00:12:02.171 --> 00:12:06.275
female announcer: Stillto come with Pastor Kerry Shook.
00:12:06.308 --> 00:12:08.844
Chris: True communicationdoes not take place in
00:12:08.878 --> 00:12:11.013
sound bites.
00:12:11.046 --> 00:12:12.615
♪♪♪
00:12:12.648 --> 00:12:20.156
announcer: This holiday seasonas we give thanks and celebrate
00:12:21.891 --> 00:12:24.760
the gift of Christ, we shouldalso recognize the gift we have
00:12:24.794 --> 00:12:28.531
in each day.
00:12:28.564 --> 00:12:30.699
At Kerry Shook Ministries,we are dedicated to
00:12:30.733 --> 00:12:33.369
sharing that gospel truthall over the world through
00:12:33.402 --> 00:12:36.672
inspiring, creativebiblical teaching and
00:12:36.705 --> 00:12:39.475
life-transforming ministry,but we don't do it alone.
00:12:39.508 --> 00:12:43.813
It's only with the helpof friends like you.
00:12:43.846 --> 00:12:46.615
That's why today as aspecial thank you for your
00:12:46.649 --> 00:12:49.084
support, Pastors Kerryand Chris want to send you
00:12:49.118 --> 00:12:51.987
their latest book, "TheGift of One Day," along
00:12:52.021 --> 00:12:55.424
with the companionmiracle book journal.
00:12:55.457 --> 00:12:58.394
The miracle journal isdesigned to help you
00:12:58.427 --> 00:13:00.729
appreciate the miracleof small moments.
00:13:00.763 --> 00:13:03.566
When paired with "The Giftof One Day" book, you will
00:13:03.599 --> 00:13:06.669
find renewed hopein this coming year.
00:13:06.702 --> 00:13:09.572
This popular bundle alsomakes the perfect gift for
00:13:09.605 --> 00:13:12.141
a loved one.
00:13:12.174 --> 00:13:14.143
To request yours, call usnow at 844-34-KERRY or go
00:13:14.176 --> 00:13:18.380
to kerryshook.org.
00:13:18.414 --> 00:13:21.984
Chris: Here are a couplepractical ways to become a
00:13:22.017 --> 00:13:24.420
better listener.
00:13:24.453 --> 00:13:26.589
One is just being alert;really engaging and being alert.
00:13:26.622 --> 00:13:30.559
Part of that is timing,being willing to adjust
00:13:30.593 --> 00:13:33.329
the timing ofconversations so that you
00:13:33.362 --> 00:13:35.965
have the maximum opportunity toactually communicate.
00:13:35.998 --> 00:13:39.335
Now if you're a parent,that means finding when
00:13:39.368 --> 00:13:42.838
your child is mostreceptive to listen to you
00:13:42.872 --> 00:13:47.743
and for you tolisten to them.
00:13:47.776 --> 00:13:50.079
It takes somework to do this.
00:13:50.112 --> 00:13:51.847
Kerry and Ihave four kids.
00:13:51.881 --> 00:13:53.649
They're adults nowand--we've made lots and
00:13:53.682 --> 00:13:56.719
lots of mistakes along theway and learned a lot of
00:13:56.752 --> 00:14:00.522
things the hard way, butI will tell you one
00:14:00.556 --> 00:14:02.558
thing, parents.
00:14:02.591 --> 00:14:04.760
I encourage you,figure it out.
00:14:04.793 --> 00:14:06.762
Figure out whatis the best time.
00:14:06.795 --> 00:14:08.631
"What will work for mychild in this season of life?"
00:14:08.664 --> 00:14:11.000
And it changesall the time.
00:14:11.033 --> 00:14:13.068
Maybe it's rightafter school.
00:14:13.102 --> 00:14:14.937
Maybe it's rightbefore bed.
00:14:14.970 --> 00:14:17.106
Maybe you need to takeyour, you know, kid on a
00:14:17.139 --> 00:14:19.575
breakfast dateonce a week.
00:14:19.608 --> 00:14:22.144
But find a way--a timewhere you can really
00:14:22.177 --> 00:14:24.213
connect and communicate.
00:14:24.246 --> 00:14:26.348
Your child, unless theyare way different from
00:14:26.382 --> 00:14:28.517
ours, is never going tocome up to you and say,
00:14:28.550 --> 00:14:31.220
"Hey, dad, can we goahead and have that tough
00:14:31.253 --> 00:14:34.089
conversation that you'vebeen meaning to have with me?"
00:14:34.123 --> 00:14:37.893
You know, it's notgoing to happen.
00:14:37.927 --> 00:14:39.929
They're not going tocome and say, "Hey, can I
00:14:39.962 --> 00:14:41.730
reveal all my deepestlongings and fears to you?"
00:14:41.764 --> 00:14:44.333
But what it really takesis ongoing connection, ongoing.
00:14:44.366 --> 00:14:49.538
So find a way to buildthat into your routine.
00:14:49.571 --> 00:14:51.707
If you are married,it's the same thing.
00:14:51.740 --> 00:14:54.476
It's finding a time and away that you can connect.
00:14:54.510 --> 00:14:58.714
There have been lots oftimes that I have tried to
00:14:58.747 --> 00:15:00.916
bring up a tough issue toKerry that I want to talk
00:15:00.950 --> 00:15:03.319
about in a time that'sconvenient for me.
00:15:03.352 --> 00:15:07.923
I've been thinkingabout this all day.
00:15:07.957 --> 00:15:09.959
So the first time I seehim, I'm going to just
00:15:09.992 --> 00:15:12.027
bring it up.
00:15:12.061 --> 00:15:14.163
Usually, that doesn't workso well because if either
00:15:14.196 --> 00:15:15.965
one of us is hungry ortired or stressed because
00:15:15.998 --> 00:15:20.903
we have a loomingdeadline, then chances are
00:15:20.936 --> 00:15:24.239
we're not going toconnect very well.
00:15:24.273 --> 00:15:27.176
So it takes being willingto say, "Okay, I'm going
00:15:27.209 --> 00:15:30.546
to wait for the time.
00:15:30.579 --> 00:15:32.982
I'm going to look for thetime, watch for the time
00:15:33.015 --> 00:15:34.984
where we can reallyhave a conversation."
00:15:35.017 --> 00:15:37.019
Sometimes Kerry would say,"Hey, there's something I
00:15:37.052 --> 00:15:38.988
wanted to talk about.
00:15:39.021 --> 00:15:40.622
Is there a time todaythat we can connect?"
00:15:40.656 --> 00:15:42.791
And we can just kindof--it's not a big,
00:15:42.825 --> 00:15:44.660
laborious deal, but justsetting it up that way by
00:15:44.693 --> 00:15:46.628
being willing to wait forthat because the thing is
00:15:46.662 --> 00:15:49.198
it takes two to talk.
00:15:49.231 --> 00:15:51.400
So even if I havesomething I really want to
00:15:51.433 --> 00:15:53.736
express and I've thoughtthrough how I want to say
00:15:53.769 --> 00:15:56.005
it, if I just blurt itall out there, there's not
00:15:56.038 --> 00:15:59.408
going to be actualcommunication going on
00:15:59.441 --> 00:16:02.144
unless we can bothengage together.
00:16:02.177 --> 00:16:05.280
So that's one thing.
00:16:05.314 --> 00:16:07.149
And then also bewilling to wait.
00:16:07.182 --> 00:16:09.351
Be patient.
00:16:09.385 --> 00:16:10.953
That's another part ofthis, of listening is
00:16:10.986 --> 00:16:12.721
being patient, justwaiting, having space.
00:16:12.755 --> 00:16:15.991
Now, in our life, in oursociety, we're not used to
00:16:16.025 --> 00:16:21.697
waiting at all, and we'realso not used to silence.
00:16:21.730 --> 00:16:25.901
We get frustratedif there's a line at
00:16:25.934 --> 00:16:28.637
Chick-fil-A, you know, andI have to wait for my fast food.
00:16:28.670 --> 00:16:31.974
It's really frustrating.
00:16:32.007 --> 00:16:34.376
I get frustrated if Ihave to wait on anything.
00:16:34.410 --> 00:16:37.012
And if it's quiet, youkind of start looking
00:16:37.046 --> 00:16:39.882
around, you know, "Wait.
00:16:39.915 --> 00:16:41.550
I need something tofill this space."
00:16:41.583 --> 00:16:43.986
But true communicationdoes not take place in
00:16:44.019 --> 00:16:47.189
sound bites, and wecan't expect it to.
00:16:47.222 --> 00:16:50.125
We've almost beentrained for that.
00:16:50.159 --> 00:16:51.927
You know, 30-seccommercial.
00:16:51.960 --> 00:16:53.695
You know, you watchsomething--our attention
00:16:53.729 --> 00:16:55.564
span is so short.
00:16:55.597 --> 00:16:57.533
So I encourage you, manageyour expectations and talk
00:16:57.566 --> 00:17:00.302
and give the other persontime to process and to
00:17:00.335 --> 00:17:04.073
think, to go ahead and saywhatever they want to say.
00:17:04.106 --> 00:17:08.844
Part of it isnot interrupting.
00:17:08.877 --> 00:17:11.280
When I interrupt, it meansthat, a, "I was thinking
00:17:11.313 --> 00:17:15.517
about what I was going tosay next while you were
00:17:15.551 --> 00:17:17.653
just talking," and b,"And I think that what I'm
00:17:17.686 --> 00:17:21.056
going to say is moreimportant than what you're
00:17:21.090 --> 00:17:24.059
going to say because I'mgoing to literally run
00:17:24.093 --> 00:17:26.128
over your wordswith mine."
00:17:26.161 --> 00:17:28.597
And so Kerry and Itry to practice this.
00:17:28.630 --> 00:17:30.933
Sometimes we can both jumpin in a conversation and
00:17:30.966 --> 00:17:32.734
we both try to--"
00:17:32.768 --> 00:17:34.670
Okay, go ahead."
00:17:34.703 --> 00:17:36.638
And we take turns talking.
00:17:36.672 --> 00:17:38.907
One strategy that we'veused in the past as we're
00:17:38.941 --> 00:17:40.943
having a--we've used alittle tile, we've used a
00:17:40.976 --> 00:17:43.579
ping pong ball before.
00:17:43.612 --> 00:17:45.714
But something we literallywill pass it back and
00:17:45.747 --> 00:17:47.483
forth to remind ourselvesto not interrupt.
00:17:47.516 --> 00:17:50.552
The other personis talking.
00:17:50.586 --> 00:17:52.254
The other personhas the floor.
00:17:52.287 --> 00:17:54.623
And then lastly,listen for their heart.
00:17:54.656 --> 00:17:57.693
Listen for their heart.
00:17:57.726 --> 00:17:59.528
A lot of times, we justhear what the other person
00:17:59.561 --> 00:18:02.264
is saying and takeit at face value.
00:18:02.297 --> 00:18:04.700
So if they say angry,critical words, we respond
00:18:04.733 --> 00:18:07.636
with anger andcriticism of our own.
00:18:07.669 --> 00:18:10.606
But if you listen beyondthe words of the other
00:18:10.639 --> 00:18:14.042
person and really listenfor their heart, a lot of
00:18:14.076 --> 00:18:17.613
times you can see that theroot place they're coming
00:18:17.646 --> 00:18:21.083
out of, even if it's notshowing up in their words,
00:18:21.116 --> 00:18:23.919
is fear.
00:18:23.952 --> 00:18:25.954
They're showingup in fear.
00:18:25.988 --> 00:18:27.756
They're saying, if theirheart was speaking, "I'm afraid.
00:18:27.789 --> 00:18:31.160
I'm scared, I'm scared of losingconnection, I'm scared.
00:18:31.193 --> 00:18:34.196
I just--I don't knowwhat to do next."
00:18:34.229 --> 00:18:38.066
And if we listen for that,then so many times it--for
00:18:38.100 --> 00:18:42.704
Kerry and I, it makes usmore soft in our hearts
00:18:42.738 --> 00:18:45.841
and ready to reallyprocess, give time, and
00:18:45.874 --> 00:18:49.178
dig into what theheart is really saying.
00:18:49.211 --> 00:18:52.381
Kerry: And I want tokeep this going with some
00:18:52.414 --> 00:18:54.483
practical tips, and Ithink a lot of guys will
00:18:54.516 --> 00:18:56.285
really relate to this.
00:18:56.318 --> 00:18:58.153
When you're listening,give eye contact.
00:18:58.187 --> 00:19:01.089
I want to look intoChris's eyes and to really
00:19:01.123 --> 00:19:03.659
stay with her.
00:19:03.692 --> 00:19:05.727
Now, my natural way oflistening is just kind
00:19:05.761 --> 00:19:07.563
of--when she's sayingsomething really
00:19:07.596 --> 00:19:09.565
important, I just kindof look away and I think.
00:19:09.598 --> 00:19:12.134
I'm thinking about it.
00:19:12.167 --> 00:19:14.102
Chris: It's incrediblyfrustrating.
00:19:14.136 --> 00:19:15.938
Kerry: Yeah, it makes herfeel like I don't care,
00:19:15.971 --> 00:19:17.806
especially as I'm lookingaway and watching the
00:19:17.839 --> 00:19:19.575
ballgame, but I'm usingthis ear to listen to her
00:19:19.608 --> 00:19:21.510
and this one to listento the ballgame.
00:19:21.543 --> 00:19:23.879
I can actually repeat backto her, her words, but I'm
00:19:23.912 --> 00:19:25.881
not really listening.
00:19:25.914 --> 00:19:27.916
And so it's--it reallyhelps me, and it helps her
00:19:27.950 --> 00:19:30.619
feel listened to and heardif I look her in the eye.
00:19:30.652 --> 00:19:34.289
Eye contact, intentionality.
00:19:34.323 --> 00:19:36.725
And then the second thingis physical contact.
00:19:36.758 --> 00:19:39.294
This is important becauseI'm a hider by nature.
00:19:39.328 --> 00:19:42.698
You know, I want to beChris's hero at all times.
00:19:42.731 --> 00:19:46.168
And when something comesup that I feel inept at,
00:19:46.201 --> 00:19:49.404
that I don't feel like Ican really do great at and
00:19:49.438 --> 00:19:52.407
hit a home run at,like communication and
00:19:52.441 --> 00:19:56.111
emotional connection; Ifeel like I'm not that
00:19:56.144 --> 00:19:59.448
great at that, then I kindof want to withdraw and
00:19:59.481 --> 00:20:02.417
move away from thatbecause I want to do
00:20:02.451 --> 00:20:04.353
things that I'm great at.
00:20:04.386 --> 00:20:06.521
I want to be the hero forher, but I found I can't
00:20:06.555 --> 00:20:08.757
be the herowhile I'm hiding.
00:20:08.790 --> 00:20:11.560
And so when I feelawkward, inept, like I
00:20:11.593 --> 00:20:15.464
can't really dothis very good--"
00:20:15.497 --> 00:20:17.699
I'm not very good at this.
00:20:17.733 --> 00:20:19.935
I don't know quite how todo this," and I'm backing
00:20:19.968 --> 00:20:22.404
away, maybe she's feelingangry because she's fearful.
00:20:22.437 --> 00:20:25.407
Maybe she's pointing outsomething that I've done
00:20:25.440 --> 00:20:30.212
to really hurt her.
00:20:30.245 --> 00:20:32.180
Maybe, you know, it'ssomething--an issue that's
00:20:32.214 --> 00:20:34.283
a really big issue,but yet I feel kind of
00:20:34.316 --> 00:20:36.818
incompetent at reallyknowing how to connect and
00:20:36.852 --> 00:20:39.321
what to do.
00:20:39.354 --> 00:20:41.123
So my natural response isto withdraw, to move away
00:20:41.156 --> 00:20:43.158
from her.
00:20:43.191 --> 00:20:45.260
What's really helped usis that when I feel like
00:20:45.294 --> 00:20:47.996
withdrawing and movingaway, if I'll just move
00:20:48.030 --> 00:20:50.165
toward her instead andrisk the awkwardness and
00:20:50.198 --> 00:20:53.802
just grab her hand as wetalk and I listen--I just
00:20:53.835 --> 00:20:56.638
have to listenand just connect.
00:20:56.672 --> 00:20:59.074
Look her in the eye andjust hold her hand, just
00:20:59.107 --> 00:21:01.677
to move closer to her inthat time that doesn't
00:21:01.710 --> 00:21:04.179
feel natural, but God doesamazing things as we just
00:21:04.212 --> 00:21:07.316
obey what he says and wemove closer together when
00:21:07.349 --> 00:21:11.086
we feel like movingfurther apart.
00:21:11.119 --> 00:21:13.922
And then the third thingis reflective listening.
00:21:13.955 --> 00:21:16.625
Dr. Paul talks about thisa lot here at Woodlands
00:21:16.658 --> 00:21:18.760
Church and in all ofhis seminars, how to do
00:21:18.794 --> 00:21:20.862
reflective listening.
00:21:20.896 --> 00:21:22.764
Let me give you an exampleof the way it works in
00:21:22.798 --> 00:21:24.633
our marriage.
00:21:24.666 --> 00:21:26.501
The other day, we werecoming up to church to
00:21:26.535 --> 00:21:28.337
speak at ourall-staff devotional.
00:21:28.370 --> 00:21:30.405
And as I parked in theback and we got out of the
00:21:30.439 --> 00:21:32.407
car, I came oninside real quickly.
00:21:32.441 --> 00:21:35.510
Just grabbed all my stuff,came on inside, went right
00:21:35.544 --> 00:21:38.146
to my office and I lookedand Chris wasn't there.
00:21:38.180 --> 00:21:40.115
I was like, "Wait,we came together.
00:21:40.148 --> 00:21:41.817
Where is she?"
00:21:41.850 --> 00:21:43.652
And then she comeswalking into the office.
00:21:43.685 --> 00:21:45.954
And then after we spoke,we went back to the office
00:21:45.987 --> 00:21:48.724
together and she said,"Hey, it's no big deal,
00:21:48.757 --> 00:21:52.794
but I got to bring upsomething that made me
00:21:52.828 --> 00:21:56.031
feel a little bit hurt."
00:21:56.064 --> 00:21:58.600
And here's what she said.
00:21:58.633 --> 00:22:01.636
Chris: And I just said,"You know, I really felt
00:22:01.670 --> 00:22:05.140
kind of alone when yougot out of the car and you
00:22:05.173 --> 00:22:07.876
just ran on in.
00:22:07.909 --> 00:22:09.644
It seemed like you forgotall about me, and that
00:22:09.678 --> 00:22:11.913
didn't feel great."
00:22:11.947 --> 00:22:14.316
Kerry: And so then Iwant to give her all the
00:22:14.349 --> 00:22:17.519
reasons why--"
00:22:17.552 --> 00:22:19.087
No, I wasn'tthinking that at all.
00:22:19.121 --> 00:22:20.922
I wasn't trying tomake you feel devalued.
00:22:20.956 --> 00:22:22.657
I wasn't--it was just thatI--in my ADHD brain and
00:22:22.691 --> 00:22:24.626
I'm thinking about whatI'm getting to say, and
00:22:24.659 --> 00:22:26.628
I've got my stuff togetherand I'm just walking and
00:22:26.661 --> 00:22:28.797
then I realized, wow,I just left you pretty much."
00:22:28.830 --> 00:22:33.368
But that's what I wanted.
00:22:33.402 --> 00:22:34.903
I wanted to make all theseexcuses, but instead I
00:22:34.936 --> 00:22:38.006
say, as I hold her handand look her in the eye,
00:22:38.039 --> 00:22:41.743
"So when I just got outof the car and just went
00:22:41.777 --> 00:22:46.014
right into the office anddidn't even wait for you,
00:22:46.047 --> 00:22:48.683
it made you feel hurt andit made you feel like I
00:22:48.717 --> 00:22:53.422
wasn't valuing you.
00:22:53.455 --> 00:22:57.225
Is that right?"
00:22:57.259 --> 00:23:00.295
Chris: "Yeah,I'm a big girl.
00:23:00.328 --> 00:23:02.564
I could walk intochurch by myself.
00:23:02.597 --> 00:23:04.332
I do it all the time.
00:23:04.366 --> 00:23:06.067
But I just felt like ifwe came together, that you
00:23:06.101 --> 00:23:07.936
wouldn't hop out of thecar as if you came alone,
00:23:07.969 --> 00:23:10.872
that you'd recognizethat I was there too.
00:23:10.906 --> 00:23:13.108
So yeah, it just--itdidn't feel great.
00:23:13.141 --> 00:23:15.410
I just wanted tolet you know."
00:23:15.444 --> 00:23:17.612
Kerry: "So when I got outof the car and just came
00:23:17.646 --> 00:23:19.815
into the office, it madeyou feel like you were
00:23:19.848 --> 00:23:21.983
sort of invisible, thatI didn't really--I wasn't
00:23:22.017 --> 00:23:24.186
thinking about you.
00:23:24.219 --> 00:23:25.987
I was thinking about me."
00:23:26.021 --> 00:23:27.956
Chris: "Exactly."
00:23:27.989 --> 00:23:29.758
Kerry: "I'm so sorry.
00:23:29.791 --> 00:23:31.760
I didn't mean to makeyou feel that way.
00:23:31.793 --> 00:23:33.695
That must have feltreal isolating."
00:23:33.728 --> 00:23:35.730
Chris: "Yeah, it did."
00:23:35.764 --> 00:23:37.766
Kerry: "I'm so sorry.
00:23:37.799 --> 00:23:39.568
Yeah, I wasn't trying todo that, but I--that's
00:23:39.601 --> 00:23:41.403
exactly what it did.
00:23:41.436 --> 00:23:43.171
Do you forgive me?"
00:23:43.205 --> 00:23:45.040
Chris: "I sure will."
00:23:45.073 --> 00:23:46.975
Kerry: Now, that's whathappened 2 hours later.
00:23:47.008 --> 00:23:48.977
So we wanted to giveyou the good version.
00:23:49.010 --> 00:23:50.846
We didn't--
00:23:50.879 --> 00:23:52.514
Chris: We cleanedthat up for you.
00:23:52.547 --> 00:23:54.216
Kerry: We just don't havetime to do what I really
00:23:54.249 --> 00:23:56.051
did for the first 2hours, but that's what we
00:23:56.084 --> 00:23:57.819
eventually got to andthat's what worked, okay?
00:23:57.853 --> 00:24:00.522
It's just reflectivelistening.
00:24:00.555 --> 00:24:03.058
And one of thethings--it's just really
00:24:03.091 --> 00:24:04.893
repeating back to her whatshe said, you know, rather
00:24:04.926 --> 00:24:07.963
than trying todefend myself.
00:24:07.996 --> 00:24:09.364
Just repeating back to herwhat she said, but not the
00:24:09.397 --> 00:24:11.032
exact words because thatwould make her feel--
00:24:11.066 --> 00:24:14.436
Chris: Feels like you'rejust parroting what I say
00:24:14.469 --> 00:24:17.572
and you're not reallyunderstanding it.
00:24:17.606 --> 00:24:20.141
Kerry: Yeah, so it's repeatingback to her what she said, but
00:24:20.175 --> 00:24:24.679
with--you know, reallytrying to get into what
00:24:24.713 --> 00:24:26.781
she's meaning by this andtrying to understand how
00:24:26.815 --> 00:24:30.118
she feels.
00:24:30.151 --> 00:24:34.222
Instead of saying, "Well,this is why I did this.
00:24:34.256 --> 00:24:36.825
I mean, I wouldn't--Ididn't mean any of that.
00:24:36.858 --> 00:24:38.793
I didn't mean that atall," which I didn't.
00:24:38.827 --> 00:24:40.395
But it's understandingeach other.
00:24:40.428 --> 00:24:44.132
It's that reflectivelistening that's so important.
00:24:44.165 --> 00:24:47.569
Chris: Psalm 139:5 says,"You are all around me on
00:24:47.602 --> 00:24:52.707
every side.
00:24:52.741 --> 00:24:54.809
You protect mewith your power."
00:24:54.843 --> 00:24:57.646
That right there is thesecret to being able to
00:24:57.679 --> 00:25:00.815
have real communication,real relationships like this.
00:25:00.849 --> 00:25:06.388
It's in knowing that youare surrounded by Jesus Christ.
00:25:06.421 --> 00:25:11.359
He is all aroundyou on every side.
00:25:11.393 --> 00:25:13.762
You don't have toprotect your own heart.
00:25:13.795 --> 00:25:16.665
You can let go andhe will protect you.
00:25:16.698 --> 00:25:20.602
♪♪♪
00:25:20.635 --> 00:25:27.342
Chris: We're so glad youjoined us for the message
00:25:28.977 --> 00:25:30.579
today, and we hope itimpacts your life all week long.
00:25:30.612 --> 00:25:33.949
Kerry: And if God reallyspoke to you and you've
00:25:33.982 --> 00:25:36.084
never received Christ intoyour life, all you have to
00:25:36.117 --> 00:25:39.154
do is just receive hisfree gift of salvation,
00:25:39.187 --> 00:25:42.691
forgiveness, andheaven one day.
00:25:42.724 --> 00:25:45.060
Just pray a prayer rightnow, a prayer like this:
00:25:45.093 --> 00:25:48.997
"Dear Jesus Christ, thankyou for dying on the cross
00:25:49.030 --> 00:25:52.467
for me.
00:25:52.500 --> 00:25:54.536
I invite you to come intomy life, forgive me of all
00:25:54.569 --> 00:25:56.438
my sins, and I want youto be the Lord of my life.
00:25:56.471 --> 00:25:59.007
I want you to be thedirector from now on and
00:25:59.040 --> 00:26:01.576
guide me.
00:26:01.610 --> 00:26:03.311
I receive your freegift of salvation.
00:26:03.345 --> 00:26:05.380
In Jesus' name, amen."
00:26:05.413 --> 00:26:07.449
If you prayed that prayer,Christ came into your life
00:26:07.482 --> 00:26:09.551
and he'll never leave you.
00:26:09.584 --> 00:26:11.653
announcer: This holidayseason, as we give thanks
00:26:11.686 --> 00:26:13.722
and celebrate the gift ofChrist, we should also
00:26:13.755 --> 00:26:16.257
recognize the giftwe have in each day.
00:26:16.291 --> 00:26:19.494
At Kerry Shook Ministries,we are dedicated to
00:26:19.527 --> 00:26:22.430
sharing that Gospel truthall over the world through
00:26:22.464 --> 00:26:25.767
inspiring, creativebiblical teaching, and
00:26:25.800 --> 00:26:28.770
life-transformingministry, but we don't do
00:26:28.803 --> 00:26:31.873
it alone.
00:26:31.906 --> 00:26:33.642
It's only with the helpof friends like you.
00:26:33.675 --> 00:26:35.644
That's why today, as aspecial thank you for your
00:26:35.677 --> 00:26:38.013
support, pastors Kerry andChris want to send you
00:26:38.046 --> 00:26:41.149
their latest book, "TheGift of One Day," along
00:26:41.182 --> 00:26:44.185
with a companion,"Miracle" book journal.
00:26:44.219 --> 00:26:47.188
The "Miracle" journalis designed to help you
00:26:47.222 --> 00:26:49.724
appreciate the miracleof small moments.
00:26:49.758 --> 00:26:52.160
When paired with "The Giftof One Day" book, you will
00:26:52.193 --> 00:26:55.263
find renewed hopein this coming year.
00:26:55.296 --> 00:26:58.166
This popular bundle alsomakes the perfect gift for
00:26:58.199 --> 00:27:00.869
a loved one.
00:27:00.902 --> 00:27:02.837
To request yours, call usnow at 844-34-KERRY, or go
00:27:02.871 --> 00:27:07.142
to KerryShook.org.
00:27:07.175 --> 00:27:10.078
♪♪♪
00:27:10.111 --> 00:27:18.553

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