Beyond the Bubble: Communication Bubble | TBN

Beyond the Bubble: Communication Bubble

Watch Beyond the Bubble: Communication Bubble
November 22, 2020
27:29

Pastors Kerry and Chris share how to break barriers in communication and improve relationships.

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Beyond the Bubble: Communication Bubble

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  • to break out of theme-first bubble and to
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  • bind yourselves together.
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  • ♪♪♪
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  • Chris Shook: Today we're goingto be talking about the bubble
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  • of communication.
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  • And I don't know aboutyou, but I have often
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  • wondered how do you dealwith those really tough
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  • people in your life, youknow, have those
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  • tough conversations.
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  • Well, Kerry and Idiscovered something
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  • that's worked great forus, and that is bubble
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  • bumper therapy,bubble bumper therapy.
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  • It's awesome.
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  • We tried it out, take a look.
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  • male: Well, welcome tobubble bumper therapy.
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  • ♪♪♪
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  • male: Pastors Kerry and ChrisShook, guys, welcome to bubble
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  • bumper therapy.
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  • How are we feeling?
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  • Kerry: It's the bestmarriage therapy we've
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  • ever had.
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  • We don't evenargue anymore.
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  • We don't fight, there'sno conflicts.
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  • Everything'sgoing really good.
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  • male: So youknow the rules.
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  • It's very simple.
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  • It's a game of soccer.
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  • And you guys actuallydecided you wanted to play
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  • for something, geta little bit more
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  • competitive, raise the stakes.
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  • Kerry: Loser goes intothe bubble for a week.
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  • male: That's afantastic idea.
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  • You guys ready?
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  • Chris: Let's do it.
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  • male: Let's do this.
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  • male: Balls up again, here wego, three, two, one, go.
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  • Chris: Kerry and I lovethis bubble therapy so much.
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  • It's helped usdecrease our stress.
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  • It's all worth it.
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  • Kerry: My wife is sosweet, so kind, so
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  • amazing, and I think thistherapy is really the
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  • whole key to why she's--
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  • male: Chris,really great today.
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  • I mean, I think thisimprovement is going to go
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  • a long way for you.
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  • Kerry, we're going to giveyou a week in the bubble
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  • to just think about some waysyou could be improved.
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  • Chris: This is so great.
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  • ♪♪♪
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  • Here you go, babe.
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  • [inaudible]
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  • Yes.
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  • Kerry: Help.
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  • Kerry: Well, I came outof the bubble finally.
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  • I got a lot of bruisesfrom that video.
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  • But the crazy thing was,I think it really was
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  • therapy for Chris and thatscares me a little bit.
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  • Chris: I'll be honest,it was pretty awesome.
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  • It was--I recommend it.
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  • Kerry: Hey, we'rein this series.
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  • It's all about how tobreak out of our own
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  • selfish bubble so that wecan stop trying to create
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  • a world that revolvesaround us and we can
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  • experience a world thatrevolves around connecting
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  • with God andconnecting with others.
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  • So today we're goingto talk about that
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  • communication bubblebecause the number one
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  • problem in mostrelationships today is we
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  • get stuck in our owncommunication bubble and
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  • it's really hard to breakout of it, and it causes
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  • communication breakdown.
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  • Military commanders andexperts know if you want
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  • to win the battle, thefirst thing you have to do
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  • is knock out the lines ofcommunication of your enemy.
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  • If you bomb theircommunication centers,
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  • then all the units can'tcommunicate with each
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  • other, and so the units areisolated and that creates fear
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  • and confusion andprevents them from coming
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  • together for acounterattack.
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  • And our enemy, Satan,knows if he can break down
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  • the lines of communicationbetween a parent and a
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  • teenager, between ahusband and a wife,
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  • between a boss and anemployee, between two
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  • coworkers or two friends,then he has free rein to
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  • destroy the relationship.
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  • The enemy knows if he canget two people each stuck
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  • in their own communicationbubble, then it doesn't
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  • take very long for thatbubble to become a bubble
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  • of isolation and anger andfear, and eventually it
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  • forms a bubble ofbitterness that surrounds
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  • the whole relationship andsuffocates the life and
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  • the love right out of it.
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  • So I want you to openyour Bibles to Ephesians
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  • chapter 4 as we lookat our key verse.
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  • It's just one simplebut profound verse.
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  • So would you stand inhonor of God's Word and
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  • just follow along with me.
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  • "Make every effort to keepyourselves united in the
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  • spirit, binding yourselvestogether with peace."
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  • You can be seated.
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  • Now, I want you to reallyfocus in on that part of
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  • Ephesians 4:3 that saysbinding yourselves together.
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  • So the goal in a closerelationship is to break
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  • out of the me-first bubbleand to bind yourselves
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  • together in unity.
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  • Now, it doesn't meanyou'll agree with the
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  • other personabout everything.
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  • If two people agree abouteverything, then one is
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  • not necessary.
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  • No, you're going to havedifferent thoughts,
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  • different attitudes.
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  • You're going to come fromdifferent backgrounds,
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  • have different interests,different desires, but yet
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  • in a close relationshipyou're united and understanding.
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  • That brings so much peace.
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  • United and seeking tounderstand each other
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  • because there's nobubbles between you.
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  • You're reallycommunicating on a
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  • deeper level.
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  • But notice the firstpart of that verse.
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  • It says make every effortto keep yourselves united.
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  • It's going totake every effort.
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  • It takes so much work tobreak out of communication
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  • bubbles and into theheart of another person.
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  • It takes constant work.
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  • It takes intentionalitybecause relationships
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  • naturally drift apart.
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  • And so you got to getreally intentional about
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  • breaking out of your ownlittle bubble and into the
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  • heart of someone else.
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  • Chris: Not long ago, Kerryand I were in the backyard
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  • with our 5-year-oldgrandson, Ben, and we
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  • found a turtle.
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  • Ben was absolutelythrilled with this turtle.
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  • I mean, he's 5 years old.
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  • There's nothing betteryou could find in the backyard.
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  • I mean, take a look atthis picture to see the
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  • joy of finding a turtle.
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  • But let me tellyou something.
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  • Take a look.
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  • That turtle has its headpoked inside its shell,
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  • and that reallygot me thinking.
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  • Because, you know, turtlespull their heads in
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  • whenever they're alittle bit scared.
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  • And I told Ben--you know,he looked at this turtle,
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  • thought it was great, andI said, "Let's make a home
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  • for him under a bush here.
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  • We could put some leavesand some grass and some
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  • water 'cause it'sa really hot day.
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  • Let's put thisturtle--make a little home."
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  • And Ben looked out at meand he said, "Actually,
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  • his shell is his home.
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  • He doesn't need one.
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  • Because, you know, hepulls his head in and out.
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  • He comes in and out of hishouse whenever he wants
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  • to, but his houseis himself."
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  • And when he said that,I thought, "Okay, pretty
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  • wise," because a lot of us aremaking our own selves our home.
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  • We're just hiding withina shell, and we stay right
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  • there hidden away in ourlittle shell and we wonder
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  • why we feel so alone,so disconnected.
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  • And there's a lot that wecan learn from that turtle
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  • about how and how notto live in relationships
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  • because a turtle pullsinside of its shell when
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  • it senses any kind ofdanger, any kind of fear,
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  • and really we'rethe same way.
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  • We pull inside of our ownshells and hide whenever
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  • we feel fear, but usuallyit's fear of rejection.
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  • The fear of rejection willmake us pull inside our
  • 00:08:16.312 --> 00:08:18.948
  • shells, and so we'regoing to talk about that.
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  • We're going to talk aboutthree ways to go from
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  • having these relationshipsthat just aren't working,
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  • the breakdownrelationships, into
  • 00:08:27.757 --> 00:08:29.759
  • breakthroughrelationships.
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  • So I want you to havewhatever relationship
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  • that's tough in yourlife--whatever is tough
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  • right now, thinkabout that.
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  • Have that in mind whilewe talk about this today.
  • 00:08:38.668 --> 00:08:40.670
  • We're going to try tomake it really practical
  • 00:08:40.703 --> 00:08:43.139
  • because the first thingthat we need to do to go
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  • from breakdown tobreakthrough in
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  • relationships is to movefrom hiding to revealing,
  • 00:08:47.743 --> 00:08:51.380
  • move from hidingto revealing.
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  • Now, hiding is just ourknee jerk reaction when we
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  • feel any kind of fear,and as I said, usually of
  • 00:08:55.985 --> 00:08:59.288
  • rejection, we start to hide.
  • 00:08:59.322 --> 00:09:01.490
  • Now you may bethinking, "Oh, hold it.
  • 00:09:01.524 --> 00:09:03.826
  • I don't hide.
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  • This doesn't applyto me really.
  • 00:09:05.361 --> 00:09:06.729
  • I mean, I'd love to hide.
  • 00:09:06.762 --> 00:09:08.331
  • I would love to have anhour to myself sometime,
  • 00:09:08.364 --> 00:09:10.633
  • but actually between myfamily and my work, my
  • 00:09:10.666 --> 00:09:14.337
  • responsibilities, I don'tget to hide at all."
  • 00:09:14.370 --> 00:09:17.340
  • Well, that's not whatwe're talking about here.
  • 00:09:17.373 --> 00:09:20.009
  • We're talking about hidingaway inside our shells.
  • 00:09:20.042 --> 00:09:23.746
  • You may be showing up witha lot of people, but all
  • 00:09:23.779 --> 00:09:26.482
  • they see is your shell.
  • 00:09:26.515 --> 00:09:29.218
  • They see the front thatyou want to put up, but
  • 00:09:29.251 --> 00:09:31.654
  • they don't reallyget to see you.
  • 00:09:31.687 --> 00:09:34.624
  • You may be preventingrejection, but you're also
  • 00:09:34.657 --> 00:09:37.259
  • preventing reallybeing connected.
  • 00:09:37.293 --> 00:09:39.929
  • Doesn't matter how manypeople you're around, you
  • 00:09:39.962 --> 00:09:42.632
  • can still feel incrediblylonely unless you allow
  • 00:09:42.665 --> 00:09:46.168
  • your heart to be known.
  • 00:09:46.202 --> 00:09:49.105
  • And so I want you to lookat this verse: Psalm 125,
  • 00:09:49.138 --> 00:09:52.575
  • verse 2.
  • 00:09:52.608 --> 00:09:55.244
  • "As the mountains surroundJerusalem, so the Lord
  • 00:09:55.277 --> 00:09:59.015
  • surrounds his people bothnow and forevermore."
  • 00:09:59.048 --> 00:10:03.185
  • That is wonderful news.
  • 00:10:03.219 --> 00:10:05.955
  • Here's the great reality,the truth we want you to
  • 00:10:05.988 --> 00:10:08.391
  • know today.
  • 00:10:08.424 --> 00:10:10.426
  • You don't have to put upthat shell, that bubble
  • 00:10:10.459 --> 00:10:12.228
  • around yourselfto deflect hurt.
  • 00:10:12.261 --> 00:10:14.930
  • You can let go of all thatbecause the Lord Jesus is
  • 00:10:14.964 --> 00:10:18.634
  • surrounding you.
  • 00:10:18.668 --> 00:10:20.870
  • You see, Jerusalemis a city on a hill.
  • 00:10:20.903 --> 00:10:23.072
  • It's kind of a platform,but also it's surrounded
  • 00:10:23.105 --> 00:10:26.742
  • by taller hills.
  • 00:10:26.776 --> 00:10:28.911
  • It's a city surroundedcompletely, and that's the
  • 00:10:28.944 --> 00:10:31.414
  • picture of thereality for you and I.
  • 00:10:31.447 --> 00:10:35.284
  • Our God--our strong Godsurrounds us on every side.
  • 00:10:35.317 --> 00:10:39.388
  • We don't have toself-protect because he's
  • 00:10:39.422 --> 00:10:43.092
  • the one protecting us.
  • 00:10:43.125 --> 00:10:45.127
  • So I've told you whathiding looks like for real
  • 00:10:45.161 --> 00:10:48.230
  • in relationships.
  • 00:10:48.264 --> 00:10:49.999
  • Well, what does revealingreally look like?
  • 00:10:50.032 --> 00:10:53.436
  • Just sounds like, youknow, nice words unless
  • 00:10:53.469 --> 00:10:55.371
  • you really take aclose look at it.
  • 00:10:55.404 --> 00:10:59.275
  • Well, the first thing isthat we're going to feel
  • 00:10:59.308 --> 00:11:01.343
  • afraid, when we reveal, we'regoing to feel afraid.
  • 00:11:01.377 --> 00:11:04.246
  • And Psalms 56, verse 3says, "When I am afraid, I
  • 00:11:04.280 --> 00:11:08.317
  • will put my trust in you."
  • 00:11:08.350 --> 00:11:10.152
  • Maybe you've memorized alot of Scripture in your
  • 00:11:10.186 --> 00:11:12.321
  • life; maybeyou never have.
  • 00:11:12.354 --> 00:11:14.290
  • I encourage you to committhis one, Psalm 56:3, to
  • 00:11:14.323 --> 00:11:18.060
  • memory today.
  • 00:11:18.094 --> 00:11:19.962
  • "When I am afraid, I willput my trust in you."
  • 00:11:19.995 --> 00:11:24.467
  • I love that it doesn'tsay if you're afraid, but
  • 00:11:24.500 --> 00:11:27.169
  • when, because the truth is, weall get afraid all the time,
  • 00:11:27.203 --> 00:11:32.341
  • and that's okay aslong as we turn and put
  • 00:11:32.374 --> 00:11:34.844
  • our trust in the Lord andnot in ourselves and our
  • 00:11:34.877 --> 00:11:37.613
  • own ability to hide.
  • 00:11:37.646 --> 00:11:40.015
  • So that revealing, onething it looks like is
  • 00:11:40.049 --> 00:11:42.718
  • being willing to actuallyrisk what comes next,
  • 00:11:42.752 --> 00:11:45.988
  • risking whatever isgoing to come next.
  • 00:11:46.021 --> 00:11:48.424
  • Normally, we kind oftry to control where the
  • 00:11:48.457 --> 00:11:50.459
  • relationship and theconversation goes.
  • 00:11:50.493 --> 00:11:53.462
  • So trusting means lettinggo of all that, saying,
  • 00:11:53.496 --> 00:11:56.332
  • "Well, this--you know,what happens next, where
  • 00:11:56.365 --> 00:11:58.634
  • this conversation heads,I'm leaving it up to the
  • 00:11:58.667 --> 00:12:02.138
  • Lord. I can relaxbecause he surrounds me."
  • 00:12:02.171 --> 00:12:06.275
  • female announcer: Stillto come with Pastor Kerry Shook.
  • 00:12:06.308 --> 00:12:08.844
  • Chris: True communicationdoes not take place in
  • 00:12:08.878 --> 00:12:11.013
  • sound bites.
  • 00:12:11.046 --> 00:12:12.615
  • ♪♪♪
  • 00:12:12.648 --> 00:12:20.156
  • announcer: This holiday seasonas we give thanks and celebrate
  • 00:12:21.891 --> 00:12:24.760
  • the gift of Christ, we shouldalso recognize the gift we have
  • 00:12:24.794 --> 00:12:28.531
  • in each day.
  • 00:12:28.564 --> 00:12:30.699
  • At Kerry Shook Ministries,we are dedicated to
  • 00:12:30.733 --> 00:12:33.369
  • sharing that gospel truthall over the world through
  • 00:12:33.402 --> 00:12:36.672
  • inspiring, creativebiblical teaching and
  • 00:12:36.705 --> 00:12:39.475
  • life-transforming ministry,but we don't do it alone.
  • 00:12:39.508 --> 00:12:43.813
  • It's only with the helpof friends like you.
  • 00:12:43.846 --> 00:12:46.615
  • That's why today as aspecial thank you for your
  • 00:12:46.649 --> 00:12:49.084
  • support, Pastors Kerryand Chris want to send you
  • 00:12:49.118 --> 00:12:51.987
  • their latest book, "TheGift of One Day," along
  • 00:12:52.021 --> 00:12:55.424
  • with the companionmiracle book journal.
  • 00:12:55.457 --> 00:12:58.394
  • The miracle journal isdesigned to help you
  • 00:12:58.427 --> 00:13:00.729
  • appreciate the miracleof small moments.
  • 00:13:00.763 --> 00:13:03.566
  • When paired with "The Giftof One Day" book, you will
  • 00:13:03.599 --> 00:13:06.669
  • find renewed hopein this coming year.
  • 00:13:06.702 --> 00:13:09.572
  • This popular bundle alsomakes the perfect gift for
  • 00:13:09.605 --> 00:13:12.141
  • a loved one.
  • 00:13:12.174 --> 00:13:14.143
  • To request yours, call usnow at 844-34-KERRY or go
  • 00:13:14.176 --> 00:13:18.380
  • to kerryshook.org.
  • 00:13:18.414 --> 00:13:21.984
  • Chris: Here are a couplepractical ways to become a
  • 00:13:22.017 --> 00:13:24.420
  • better listener.
  • 00:13:24.453 --> 00:13:26.589
  • One is just being alert;really engaging and being alert.
  • 00:13:26.622 --> 00:13:30.559
  • Part of that is timing,being willing to adjust
  • 00:13:30.593 --> 00:13:33.329
  • the timing ofconversations so that you
  • 00:13:33.362 --> 00:13:35.965
  • have the maximum opportunity toactually communicate.
  • 00:13:35.998 --> 00:13:39.335
  • Now if you're a parent,that means finding when
  • 00:13:39.368 --> 00:13:42.838
  • your child is mostreceptive to listen to you
  • 00:13:42.872 --> 00:13:47.743
  • and for you tolisten to them.
  • 00:13:47.776 --> 00:13:50.079
  • It takes somework to do this.
  • 00:13:50.112 --> 00:13:51.847
  • Kerry and Ihave four kids.
  • 00:13:51.881 --> 00:13:53.649
  • They're adults nowand--we've made lots and
  • 00:13:53.682 --> 00:13:56.719
  • lots of mistakes along theway and learned a lot of
  • 00:13:56.752 --> 00:14:00.522
  • things the hard way, butI will tell you one
  • 00:14:00.556 --> 00:14:02.558
  • thing, parents.
  • 00:14:02.591 --> 00:14:04.760
  • I encourage you,figure it out.
  • 00:14:04.793 --> 00:14:06.762
  • Figure out whatis the best time.
  • 00:14:06.795 --> 00:14:08.631
  • "What will work for mychild in this season of life?"
  • 00:14:08.664 --> 00:14:11.000
  • And it changesall the time.
  • 00:14:11.033 --> 00:14:13.068
  • Maybe it's rightafter school.
  • 00:14:13.102 --> 00:14:14.937
  • Maybe it's rightbefore bed.
  • 00:14:14.970 --> 00:14:17.106
  • Maybe you need to takeyour, you know, kid on a
  • 00:14:17.139 --> 00:14:19.575
  • breakfast dateonce a week.
  • 00:14:19.608 --> 00:14:22.144
  • But find a way--a timewhere you can really
  • 00:14:22.177 --> 00:14:24.213
  • connect and communicate.
  • 00:14:24.246 --> 00:14:26.348
  • Your child, unless theyare way different from
  • 00:14:26.382 --> 00:14:28.517
  • ours, is never going tocome up to you and say,
  • 00:14:28.550 --> 00:14:31.220
  • "Hey, dad, can we goahead and have that tough
  • 00:14:31.253 --> 00:14:34.089
  • conversation that you'vebeen meaning to have with me?"
  • 00:14:34.123 --> 00:14:37.893
  • You know, it's notgoing to happen.
  • 00:14:37.927 --> 00:14:39.929
  • They're not going tocome and say, "Hey, can I
  • 00:14:39.962 --> 00:14:41.730
  • reveal all my deepestlongings and fears to you?"
  • 00:14:41.764 --> 00:14:44.333
  • But what it really takesis ongoing connection, ongoing.
  • 00:14:44.366 --> 00:14:49.538
  • So find a way to buildthat into your routine.
  • 00:14:49.571 --> 00:14:51.707
  • If you are married,it's the same thing.
  • 00:14:51.740 --> 00:14:54.476
  • It's finding a time and away that you can connect.
  • 00:14:54.510 --> 00:14:58.714
  • There have been lots oftimes that I have tried to
  • 00:14:58.747 --> 00:15:00.916
  • bring up a tough issue toKerry that I want to talk
  • 00:15:00.950 --> 00:15:03.319
  • about in a time that'sconvenient for me.
  • 00:15:03.352 --> 00:15:07.923
  • I've been thinkingabout this all day.
  • 00:15:07.957 --> 00:15:09.959
  • So the first time I seehim, I'm going to just
  • 00:15:09.992 --> 00:15:12.027
  • bring it up.
  • 00:15:12.061 --> 00:15:14.163
  • Usually, that doesn't workso well because if either
  • 00:15:14.196 --> 00:15:15.965
  • one of us is hungry ortired or stressed because
  • 00:15:15.998 --> 00:15:20.903
  • we have a loomingdeadline, then chances are
  • 00:15:20.936 --> 00:15:24.239
  • we're not going toconnect very well.
  • 00:15:24.273 --> 00:15:27.176
  • So it takes being willingto say, "Okay, I'm going
  • 00:15:27.209 --> 00:15:30.546
  • to wait for the time.
  • 00:15:30.579 --> 00:15:32.982
  • I'm going to look for thetime, watch for the time
  • 00:15:33.015 --> 00:15:34.984
  • where we can reallyhave a conversation."
  • 00:15:35.017 --> 00:15:37.019
  • Sometimes Kerry would say,"Hey, there's something I
  • 00:15:37.052 --> 00:15:38.988
  • wanted to talk about.
  • 00:15:39.021 --> 00:15:40.622
  • Is there a time todaythat we can connect?"
  • 00:15:40.656 --> 00:15:42.791
  • And we can just kindof--it's not a big,
  • 00:15:42.825 --> 00:15:44.660
  • laborious deal, but justsetting it up that way by
  • 00:15:44.693 --> 00:15:46.628
  • being willing to wait forthat because the thing is
  • 00:15:46.662 --> 00:15:49.198
  • it takes two to talk.
  • 00:15:49.231 --> 00:15:51.400
  • So even if I havesomething I really want to
  • 00:15:51.433 --> 00:15:53.736
  • express and I've thoughtthrough how I want to say
  • 00:15:53.769 --> 00:15:56.005
  • it, if I just blurt itall out there, there's not
  • 00:15:56.038 --> 00:15:59.408
  • going to be actualcommunication going on
  • 00:15:59.441 --> 00:16:02.144
  • unless we can bothengage together.
  • 00:16:02.177 --> 00:16:05.280
  • So that's one thing.
  • 00:16:05.314 --> 00:16:07.149
  • And then also bewilling to wait.
  • 00:16:07.182 --> 00:16:09.351
  • Be patient.
  • 00:16:09.385 --> 00:16:10.953
  • That's another part ofthis, of listening is
  • 00:16:10.986 --> 00:16:12.721
  • being patient, justwaiting, having space.
  • 00:16:12.755 --> 00:16:15.991
  • Now, in our life, in oursociety, we're not used to
  • 00:16:16.025 --> 00:16:21.697
  • waiting at all, and we'realso not used to silence.
  • 00:16:21.730 --> 00:16:25.901
  • We get frustratedif there's a line at
  • 00:16:25.934 --> 00:16:28.637
  • Chick-fil-A, you know, andI have to wait for my fast food.
  • 00:16:28.670 --> 00:16:31.974
  • It's really frustrating.
  • 00:16:32.007 --> 00:16:34.376
  • I get frustrated if Ihave to wait on anything.
  • 00:16:34.410 --> 00:16:37.012
  • And if it's quiet, youkind of start looking
  • 00:16:37.046 --> 00:16:39.882
  • around, you know, "Wait.
  • 00:16:39.915 --> 00:16:41.550
  • I need something tofill this space."
  • 00:16:41.583 --> 00:16:43.986
  • But true communicationdoes not take place in
  • 00:16:44.019 --> 00:16:47.189
  • sound bites, and wecan't expect it to.
  • 00:16:47.222 --> 00:16:50.125
  • We've almost beentrained for that.
  • 00:16:50.159 --> 00:16:51.927
  • You know, 30-seccommercial.
  • 00:16:51.960 --> 00:16:53.695
  • You know, you watchsomething--our attention
  • 00:16:53.729 --> 00:16:55.564
  • span is so short.
  • 00:16:55.597 --> 00:16:57.533
  • So I encourage you, manageyour expectations and talk
  • 00:16:57.566 --> 00:17:00.302
  • and give the other persontime to process and to
  • 00:17:00.335 --> 00:17:04.073
  • think, to go ahead and saywhatever they want to say.
  • 00:17:04.106 --> 00:17:08.844
  • Part of it isnot interrupting.
  • 00:17:08.877 --> 00:17:11.280
  • When I interrupt, it meansthat, a, "I was thinking
  • 00:17:11.313 --> 00:17:15.517
  • about what I was going tosay next while you were
  • 00:17:15.551 --> 00:17:17.653
  • just talking," and b,"And I think that what I'm
  • 00:17:17.686 --> 00:17:21.056
  • going to say is moreimportant than what you're
  • 00:17:21.090 --> 00:17:24.059
  • going to say because I'mgoing to literally run
  • 00:17:24.093 --> 00:17:26.128
  • over your wordswith mine."
  • 00:17:26.161 --> 00:17:28.597
  • And so Kerry and Itry to practice this.
  • 00:17:28.630 --> 00:17:30.933
  • Sometimes we can both jumpin in a conversation and
  • 00:17:30.966 --> 00:17:32.734
  • we both try to--"
  • 00:17:32.768 --> 00:17:34.670
  • Okay, go ahead."
  • 00:17:34.703 --> 00:17:36.638
  • And we take turns talking.
  • 00:17:36.672 --> 00:17:38.907
  • One strategy that we'veused in the past as we're
  • 00:17:38.941 --> 00:17:40.943
  • having a--we've used alittle tile, we've used a
  • 00:17:40.976 --> 00:17:43.579
  • ping pong ball before.
  • 00:17:43.612 --> 00:17:45.714
  • But something we literallywill pass it back and
  • 00:17:45.747 --> 00:17:47.483
  • forth to remind ourselvesto not interrupt.
  • 00:17:47.516 --> 00:17:50.552
  • The other personis talking.
  • 00:17:50.586 --> 00:17:52.254
  • The other personhas the floor.
  • 00:17:52.287 --> 00:17:54.623
  • And then lastly,listen for their heart.
  • 00:17:54.656 --> 00:17:57.693
  • Listen for their heart.
  • 00:17:57.726 --> 00:17:59.528
  • A lot of times, we justhear what the other person
  • 00:17:59.561 --> 00:18:02.264
  • is saying and takeit at face value.
  • 00:18:02.297 --> 00:18:04.700
  • So if they say angry,critical words, we respond
  • 00:18:04.733 --> 00:18:07.636
  • with anger andcriticism of our own.
  • 00:18:07.669 --> 00:18:10.606
  • But if you listen beyondthe words of the other
  • 00:18:10.639 --> 00:18:14.042
  • person and really listenfor their heart, a lot of
  • 00:18:14.076 --> 00:18:17.613
  • times you can see that theroot place they're coming
  • 00:18:17.646 --> 00:18:21.083
  • out of, even if it's notshowing up in their words,
  • 00:18:21.116 --> 00:18:23.919
  • is fear.
  • 00:18:23.952 --> 00:18:25.954
  • They're showingup in fear.
  • 00:18:25.988 --> 00:18:27.756
  • They're saying, if theirheart was speaking, "I'm afraid.
  • 00:18:27.789 --> 00:18:31.160
  • I'm scared, I'm scared of losingconnection, I'm scared.
  • 00:18:31.193 --> 00:18:34.196
  • I just--I don't knowwhat to do next."
  • 00:18:34.229 --> 00:18:38.066
  • And if we listen for that,then so many times it--for
  • 00:18:38.100 --> 00:18:42.704
  • Kerry and I, it makes usmore soft in our hearts
  • 00:18:42.738 --> 00:18:45.841
  • and ready to reallyprocess, give time, and
  • 00:18:45.874 --> 00:18:49.178
  • dig into what theheart is really saying.
  • 00:18:49.211 --> 00:18:52.381
  • Kerry: And I want tokeep this going with some
  • 00:18:52.414 --> 00:18:54.483
  • practical tips, and Ithink a lot of guys will
  • 00:18:54.516 --> 00:18:56.285
  • really relate to this.
  • 00:18:56.318 --> 00:18:58.153
  • When you're listening,give eye contact.
  • 00:18:58.187 --> 00:19:01.089
  • I want to look intoChris's eyes and to really
  • 00:19:01.123 --> 00:19:03.659
  • stay with her.
  • 00:19:03.692 --> 00:19:05.727
  • Now, my natural way oflistening is just kind
  • 00:19:05.761 --> 00:19:07.563
  • of--when she's sayingsomething really
  • 00:19:07.596 --> 00:19:09.565
  • important, I just kindof look away and I think.
  • 00:19:09.598 --> 00:19:12.134
  • I'm thinking about it.
  • 00:19:12.167 --> 00:19:14.102
  • Chris: It's incrediblyfrustrating.
  • 00:19:14.136 --> 00:19:15.938
  • Kerry: Yeah, it makes herfeel like I don't care,
  • 00:19:15.971 --> 00:19:17.806
  • especially as I'm lookingaway and watching the
  • 00:19:17.839 --> 00:19:19.575
  • ballgame, but I'm usingthis ear to listen to her
  • 00:19:19.608 --> 00:19:21.510
  • and this one to listento the ballgame.
  • 00:19:21.543 --> 00:19:23.879
  • I can actually repeat backto her, her words, but I'm
  • 00:19:23.912 --> 00:19:25.881
  • not really listening.
  • 00:19:25.914 --> 00:19:27.916
  • And so it's--it reallyhelps me, and it helps her
  • 00:19:27.950 --> 00:19:30.619
  • feel listened to and heardif I look her in the eye.
  • 00:19:30.652 --> 00:19:34.289
  • Eye contact, intentionality.
  • 00:19:34.323 --> 00:19:36.725
  • And then the second thingis physical contact.
  • 00:19:36.758 --> 00:19:39.294
  • This is important becauseI'm a hider by nature.
  • 00:19:39.328 --> 00:19:42.698
  • You know, I want to beChris's hero at all times.
  • 00:19:42.731 --> 00:19:46.168
  • And when something comesup that I feel inept at,
  • 00:19:46.201 --> 00:19:49.404
  • that I don't feel like Ican really do great at and
  • 00:19:49.438 --> 00:19:52.407
  • hit a home run at,like communication and
  • 00:19:52.441 --> 00:19:56.111
  • emotional connection; Ifeel like I'm not that
  • 00:19:56.144 --> 00:19:59.448
  • great at that, then I kindof want to withdraw and
  • 00:19:59.481 --> 00:20:02.417
  • move away from thatbecause I want to do
  • 00:20:02.451 --> 00:20:04.353
  • things that I'm great at.
  • 00:20:04.386 --> 00:20:06.521
  • I want to be the hero forher, but I found I can't
  • 00:20:06.555 --> 00:20:08.757
  • be the herowhile I'm hiding.
  • 00:20:08.790 --> 00:20:11.560
  • And so when I feelawkward, inept, like I
  • 00:20:11.593 --> 00:20:15.464
  • can't really dothis very good--"
  • 00:20:15.497 --> 00:20:17.699
  • I'm not very good at this.
  • 00:20:17.733 --> 00:20:19.935
  • I don't know quite how todo this," and I'm backing
  • 00:20:19.968 --> 00:20:22.404
  • away, maybe she's feelingangry because she's fearful.
  • 00:20:22.437 --> 00:20:25.407
  • Maybe she's pointing outsomething that I've done
  • 00:20:25.440 --> 00:20:30.212
  • to really hurt her.
  • 00:20:30.245 --> 00:20:32.180
  • Maybe, you know, it'ssomething--an issue that's
  • 00:20:32.214 --> 00:20:34.283
  • a really big issue,but yet I feel kind of
  • 00:20:34.316 --> 00:20:36.818
  • incompetent at reallyknowing how to connect and
  • 00:20:36.852 --> 00:20:39.321
  • what to do.
  • 00:20:39.354 --> 00:20:41.123
  • So my natural response isto withdraw, to move away
  • 00:20:41.156 --> 00:20:43.158
  • from her.
  • 00:20:43.191 --> 00:20:45.260
  • What's really helped usis that when I feel like
  • 00:20:45.294 --> 00:20:47.996
  • withdrawing and movingaway, if I'll just move
  • 00:20:48.030 --> 00:20:50.165
  • toward her instead andrisk the awkwardness and
  • 00:20:50.198 --> 00:20:53.802
  • just grab her hand as wetalk and I listen--I just
  • 00:20:53.835 --> 00:20:56.638
  • have to listenand just connect.
  • 00:20:56.672 --> 00:20:59.074
  • Look her in the eye andjust hold her hand, just
  • 00:20:59.107 --> 00:21:01.677
  • to move closer to her inthat time that doesn't
  • 00:21:01.710 --> 00:21:04.179
  • feel natural, but God doesamazing things as we just
  • 00:21:04.212 --> 00:21:07.316
  • obey what he says and wemove closer together when
  • 00:21:07.349 --> 00:21:11.086
  • we feel like movingfurther apart.
  • 00:21:11.119 --> 00:21:13.922
  • And then the third thingis reflective listening.
  • 00:21:13.955 --> 00:21:16.625
  • Dr. Paul talks about thisa lot here at Woodlands
  • 00:21:16.658 --> 00:21:18.760
  • Church and in all ofhis seminars, how to do
  • 00:21:18.794 --> 00:21:20.862
  • reflective listening.
  • 00:21:20.896 --> 00:21:22.764
  • Let me give you an exampleof the way it works in
  • 00:21:22.798 --> 00:21:24.633
  • our marriage.
  • 00:21:24.666 --> 00:21:26.501
  • The other day, we werecoming up to church to
  • 00:21:26.535 --> 00:21:28.337
  • speak at ourall-staff devotional.
  • 00:21:28.370 --> 00:21:30.405
  • And as I parked in theback and we got out of the
  • 00:21:30.439 --> 00:21:32.407
  • car, I came oninside real quickly.
  • 00:21:32.441 --> 00:21:35.510
  • Just grabbed all my stuff,came on inside, went right
  • 00:21:35.544 --> 00:21:38.146
  • to my office and I lookedand Chris wasn't there.
  • 00:21:38.180 --> 00:21:40.115
  • I was like, "Wait,we came together.
  • 00:21:40.148 --> 00:21:41.817
  • Where is she?"
  • 00:21:41.850 --> 00:21:43.652
  • And then she comeswalking into the office.
  • 00:21:43.685 --> 00:21:45.954
  • And then after we spoke,we went back to the office
  • 00:21:45.987 --> 00:21:48.724
  • together and she said,"Hey, it's no big deal,
  • 00:21:48.757 --> 00:21:52.794
  • but I got to bring upsomething that made me
  • 00:21:52.828 --> 00:21:56.031
  • feel a little bit hurt."
  • 00:21:56.064 --> 00:21:58.600
  • And here's what she said.
  • 00:21:58.633 --> 00:22:01.636
  • Chris: And I just said,"You know, I really felt
  • 00:22:01.670 --> 00:22:05.140
  • kind of alone when yougot out of the car and you
  • 00:22:05.173 --> 00:22:07.876
  • just ran on in.
  • 00:22:07.909 --> 00:22:09.644
  • It seemed like you forgotall about me, and that
  • 00:22:09.678 --> 00:22:11.913
  • didn't feel great."
  • 00:22:11.947 --> 00:22:14.316
  • Kerry: And so then Iwant to give her all the
  • 00:22:14.349 --> 00:22:17.519
  • reasons why--"
  • 00:22:17.552 --> 00:22:19.087
  • No, I wasn'tthinking that at all.
  • 00:22:19.121 --> 00:22:20.922
  • I wasn't trying tomake you feel devalued.
  • 00:22:20.956 --> 00:22:22.657
  • I wasn't--it was just thatI--in my ADHD brain and
  • 00:22:22.691 --> 00:22:24.626
  • I'm thinking about whatI'm getting to say, and
  • 00:22:24.659 --> 00:22:26.628
  • I've got my stuff togetherand I'm just walking and
  • 00:22:26.661 --> 00:22:28.797
  • then I realized, wow,I just left you pretty much."
  • 00:22:28.830 --> 00:22:33.368
  • But that's what I wanted.
  • 00:22:33.402 --> 00:22:34.903
  • I wanted to make all theseexcuses, but instead I
  • 00:22:34.936 --> 00:22:38.006
  • say, as I hold her handand look her in the eye,
  • 00:22:38.039 --> 00:22:41.743
  • "So when I just got outof the car and just went
  • 00:22:41.777 --> 00:22:46.014
  • right into the office anddidn't even wait for you,
  • 00:22:46.047 --> 00:22:48.683
  • it made you feel hurt andit made you feel like I
  • 00:22:48.717 --> 00:22:53.422
  • wasn't valuing you.
  • 00:22:53.455 --> 00:22:57.225
  • Is that right?"
  • 00:22:57.259 --> 00:23:00.295
  • Chris: "Yeah,I'm a big girl.
  • 00:23:00.328 --> 00:23:02.564
  • I could walk intochurch by myself.
  • 00:23:02.597 --> 00:23:04.332
  • I do it all the time.
  • 00:23:04.366 --> 00:23:06.067
  • But I just felt like ifwe came together, that you
  • 00:23:06.101 --> 00:23:07.936
  • wouldn't hop out of thecar as if you came alone,
  • 00:23:07.969 --> 00:23:10.872
  • that you'd recognizethat I was there too.
  • 00:23:10.906 --> 00:23:13.108
  • So yeah, it just--itdidn't feel great.
  • 00:23:13.141 --> 00:23:15.410
  • I just wanted tolet you know."
  • 00:23:15.444 --> 00:23:17.612
  • Kerry: "So when I got outof the car and just came
  • 00:23:17.646 --> 00:23:19.815
  • into the office, it madeyou feel like you were
  • 00:23:19.848 --> 00:23:21.983
  • sort of invisible, thatI didn't really--I wasn't
  • 00:23:22.017 --> 00:23:24.186
  • thinking about you.
  • 00:23:24.219 --> 00:23:25.987
  • I was thinking about me."
  • 00:23:26.021 --> 00:23:27.956
  • Chris: "Exactly."
  • 00:23:27.989 --> 00:23:29.758
  • Kerry: "I'm so sorry.
  • 00:23:29.791 --> 00:23:31.760
  • I didn't mean to makeyou feel that way.
  • 00:23:31.793 --> 00:23:33.695
  • That must have feltreal isolating."
  • 00:23:33.728 --> 00:23:35.730
  • Chris: "Yeah, it did."
  • 00:23:35.764 --> 00:23:37.766
  • Kerry: "I'm so sorry.
  • 00:23:37.799 --> 00:23:39.568
  • Yeah, I wasn't trying todo that, but I--that's
  • 00:23:39.601 --> 00:23:41.403
  • exactly what it did.
  • 00:23:41.436 --> 00:23:43.171
  • Do you forgive me?"
  • 00:23:43.205 --> 00:23:45.040
  • Chris: "I sure will."
  • 00:23:45.073 --> 00:23:46.975
  • Kerry: Now, that's whathappened 2 hours later.
  • 00:23:47.008 --> 00:23:48.977
  • So we wanted to giveyou the good version.
  • 00:23:49.010 --> 00:23:50.846
  • We didn't--
  • 00:23:50.879 --> 00:23:52.514
  • Chris: We cleanedthat up for you.
  • 00:23:52.547 --> 00:23:54.216
  • Kerry: We just don't havetime to do what I really
  • 00:23:54.249 --> 00:23:56.051
  • did for the first 2hours, but that's what we
  • 00:23:56.084 --> 00:23:57.819
  • eventually got to andthat's what worked, okay?
  • 00:23:57.853 --> 00:24:00.522
  • It's just reflectivelistening.
  • 00:24:00.555 --> 00:24:03.058
  • And one of thethings--it's just really
  • 00:24:03.091 --> 00:24:04.893
  • repeating back to her whatshe said, you know, rather
  • 00:24:04.926 --> 00:24:07.963
  • than trying todefend myself.
  • 00:24:07.996 --> 00:24:09.364
  • Just repeating back to herwhat she said, but not the
  • 00:24:09.397 --> 00:24:11.032
  • exact words because thatwould make her feel--
  • 00:24:11.066 --> 00:24:14.436
  • Chris: Feels like you'rejust parroting what I say
  • 00:24:14.469 --> 00:24:17.572
  • and you're not reallyunderstanding it.
  • 00:24:17.606 --> 00:24:20.141
  • Kerry: Yeah, so it's repeatingback to her what she said, but
  • 00:24:20.175 --> 00:24:24.679
  • with--you know, reallytrying to get into what
  • 00:24:24.713 --> 00:24:26.781
  • she's meaning by this andtrying to understand how
  • 00:24:26.815 --> 00:24:30.118
  • she feels.
  • 00:24:30.151 --> 00:24:34.222
  • Instead of saying, "Well,this is why I did this.
  • 00:24:34.256 --> 00:24:36.825
  • I mean, I wouldn't--Ididn't mean any of that.
  • 00:24:36.858 --> 00:24:38.793
  • I didn't mean that atall," which I didn't.
  • 00:24:38.827 --> 00:24:40.395
  • But it's understandingeach other.
  • 00:24:40.428 --> 00:24:44.132
  • It's that reflectivelistening that's so important.
  • 00:24:44.165 --> 00:24:47.569
  • Chris: Psalm 139:5 says,"You are all around me on
  • 00:24:47.602 --> 00:24:52.707
  • every side.
  • 00:24:52.741 --> 00:24:54.809
  • You protect mewith your power."
  • 00:24:54.843 --> 00:24:57.646
  • That right there is thesecret to being able to
  • 00:24:57.679 --> 00:25:00.815
  • have real communication,real relationships like this.
  • 00:25:00.849 --> 00:25:06.388
  • It's in knowing that youare surrounded by Jesus Christ.
  • 00:25:06.421 --> 00:25:11.359
  • He is all aroundyou on every side.
  • 00:25:11.393 --> 00:25:13.762
  • You don't have toprotect your own heart.
  • 00:25:13.795 --> 00:25:16.665
  • You can let go andhe will protect you.
  • 00:25:16.698 --> 00:25:20.602
  • ♪♪♪
  • 00:25:20.635 --> 00:25:27.342
  • Chris: We're so glad youjoined us for the message
  • 00:25:28.977 --> 00:25:30.579
  • today, and we hope itimpacts your life all week long.
  • 00:25:30.612 --> 00:25:33.949
  • Kerry: And if God reallyspoke to you and you've
  • 00:25:33.982 --> 00:25:36.084
  • never received Christ intoyour life, all you have to
  • 00:25:36.117 --> 00:25:39.154
  • do is just receive hisfree gift of salvation,
  • 00:25:39.187 --> 00:25:42.691
  • forgiveness, andheaven one day.
  • 00:25:42.724 --> 00:25:45.060
  • Just pray a prayer rightnow, a prayer like this:
  • 00:25:45.093 --> 00:25:48.997
  • "Dear Jesus Christ, thankyou for dying on the cross
  • 00:25:49.030 --> 00:25:52.467
  • for me.
  • 00:25:52.500 --> 00:25:54.536
  • I invite you to come intomy life, forgive me of all
  • 00:25:54.569 --> 00:25:56.438
  • my sins, and I want youto be the Lord of my life.
  • 00:25:56.471 --> 00:25:59.007
  • I want you to be thedirector from now on and
  • 00:25:59.040 --> 00:26:01.576
  • guide me.
  • 00:26:01.610 --> 00:26:03.311
  • I receive your freegift of salvation.
  • 00:26:03.345 --> 00:26:05.380
  • In Jesus' name, amen."
  • 00:26:05.413 --> 00:26:07.449
  • If you prayed that prayer,Christ came into your life
  • 00:26:07.482 --> 00:26:09.551
  • and he'll never leave you.
  • 00:26:09.584 --> 00:26:11.653
  • announcer: This holidayseason, as we give thanks
  • 00:26:11.686 --> 00:26:13.722
  • and celebrate the gift ofChrist, we should also
  • 00:26:13.755 --> 00:26:16.257
  • recognize the giftwe have in each day.
  • 00:26:16.291 --> 00:26:19.494
  • At Kerry Shook Ministries,we are dedicated to
  • 00:26:19.527 --> 00:26:22.430
  • sharing that Gospel truthall over the world through
  • 00:26:22.464 --> 00:26:25.767
  • inspiring, creativebiblical teaching, and
  • 00:26:25.800 --> 00:26:28.770
  • life-transformingministry, but we don't do
  • 00:26:28.803 --> 00:26:31.873
  • it alone.
  • 00:26:31.906 --> 00:26:33.642
  • It's only with the helpof friends like you.
  • 00:26:33.675 --> 00:26:35.644
  • That's why today, as aspecial thank you for your
  • 00:26:35.677 --> 00:26:38.013
  • support, pastors Kerry andChris want to send you
  • 00:26:38.046 --> 00:26:41.149
  • their latest book, "TheGift of One Day," along
  • 00:26:41.182 --> 00:26:44.185
  • with a companion,"Miracle" book journal.
  • 00:26:44.219 --> 00:26:47.188
  • The "Miracle" journalis designed to help you
  • 00:26:47.222 --> 00:26:49.724
  • appreciate the miracleof small moments.
  • 00:26:49.758 --> 00:26:52.160
  • When paired with "The Giftof One Day" book, you will
  • 00:26:52.193 --> 00:26:55.263
  • find renewed hopein this coming year.
  • 00:26:55.296 --> 00:26:58.166
  • This popular bundle alsomakes the perfect gift for
  • 00:26:58.199 --> 00:27:00.869
  • a loved one.
  • 00:27:00.902 --> 00:27:02.837
  • To request yours, call usnow at 844-34-KERRY, or go
  • 00:27:02.871 --> 00:27:07.142
  • to KerryShook.org.
  • 00:27:07.175 --> 00:27:10.078
  • ♪♪♪
  • 00:27:10.111 --> 00:27:18.553