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Happily Ever After?

It Is Written with John Bradshaw

October 11, 2020

27:29

It Is Written seeks to impact lives for Christ.

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Happily Ever After?

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♪[Theme music]♪
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-John Bradshaw:This is It Is Written.
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I'm John Bradshaw.Thanks for joining me.
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Everybody has dreams,and we like to think
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that our dreams come true,but they don't always.
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What happens when you havedreams, big dreams, life goals,
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and those dreams comecrashing down around you?
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And when they do, what then?
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Is God able to give backto you what was taken away?
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My special guest todayis Juliet Van Heerden.
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She is an author,public speaker.
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She is a teacher andthe wife of a pastor.
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Juliet's story is a storyexperienced by many people
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all around the world.
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Juliet, thanks for joining metoday and sharing your story.
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I appreciate you being here.
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-Juliet Van Heerden:Thank you for the invitation.
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-John: Hey, let's go backto about where you think
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the beginning is.
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Where does your story--it's a fascinating story;
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it's a moving story,a very powerful story,
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and a story that's goingto impact a lot of lives
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as you share it.
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So where doesthis story begin?
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-Juliet: I grew up ina Christian, um, family,
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Christian home.
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My mom is a very, um,devout Christian woman.
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But I am theproduct of divorce,
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and my parentsdivorced when I was four.
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And then when I was 14, um,there was another divorce.
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And so I was a child whoexperienced the feelings
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of abandonment and the ideathat happily ever after
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doesn't alwaysturn out that way.
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And I made a vowto myself as a child
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that I would never get divorced.
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And I didn't want that legacy,
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and that was a promisethat I made to myself
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and really ended uptrying very hard to keep.
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-John: So, as you werejourneying through life
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towards the fulfillment ofall your plans and dreams,
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where did that journey take you?
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-Juliet: I graduatedfrom college,
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and I thought that I wasbeing left behind
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as I was the bridesmaidin several weddings
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and not the bride.
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And so I feel like probablyI rushed God a little bit
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and pushed ahead andchose a mate for myself
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that might not havebeen the mate
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He would havechosen for me.
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-John: Walk, walk throughthat dynamic with me.
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You got married along the way.
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Tell me how that,how that came to be.
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Tell me about the circumstancesaround your marriage.
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-Juliet: I ended up makinga decision to marry a person
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that I probably would nothave consciously chosen,
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but sometimes, as a youngperson, we'll make a compromise.
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And I tell young peoplewhen I speak to them,
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"Be careful who you date.
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Be careful who yougo on one date with
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because that person mightend up being the person
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you spend the restof your life with."
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And I tell my students,"Do your homework,"
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but I didn't do mine,
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and I did not even knowwhat questions to ask
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a potential spouse.
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I didn't, um, I justdidn't research.
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I took everything at face value.I was a very trusting person.
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-John: I remembersaying to my fiancée,
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"Check me out; do your homework.
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Go and talk to the people whomake up the fabric of my life."
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-Juliet: That's right.
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-John: I was scared to deathwhen she actually did.
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-Juliet: [Laughs]Ah, but it's good.
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-John: When she did thatand then said "I do"
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was one of the biggestsurprises of my life, but...
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So that's the sort of thingyou're talking about, right?
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-Juliet: Mm-hm.Accountability.
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-John: Yeah.
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So how do you marry someonewithout really knowing them?
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You did.
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-Juliet: Right. Well, I mean,you get caught up in the moment.
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You, you believe a person.
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You take, you take whatyou see at this moment,
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and you don't realizethat there's something
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behind what you see.
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So, I mean, I just felt,I felt excited that someone
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was interested in me,that they, um, enjoyed
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some of the same thingsthat I enjoyed.
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Yes, we had a little bitdifferent, um, background,
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but I was an optimist.
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I thought that whateverwasn't just right
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I could make right.
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And, um, I recently heard asermon where, uh, someone said
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women need, need to notthink of men as projects,
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and men need to not thinkof women as possessions.
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And, um, I think I,I like a project,
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and so that might havebeen part of it, um,
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a challenge that, you know, youcan, you can change a person.
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-John: So in your experienceyou discovered
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you can't change a person?
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-Juliet: No.
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-John: Did you try?
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-Juliet: Oh, yes.
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-John: How did you try?
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-Juliet: Mm. [Laughs ruefully]I manipulated.
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I, I tried tocontrol the person.
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I tried to, um, forcethem into my mold.
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And you can't take a personwho is who they are
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and try to make them someonethat you want them to be.
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But when I realizedthings weren't exactly,
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um, happily ever after for me,
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I, I was really trying very hardto make this person fit into,
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into what I thought was the moldfor a good Christian husband.
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-John: So you've got toaccept some imperfections,
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some limitations--right?--
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-Juliet: Of course.
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-John: ...in a person.
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But there are some thingsyou should never accept
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and think that you're goingto be able to change.
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How do we knowwhere that line is?
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-Juliet: Well, knowingourselves is important,
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you know, knowing, knowing whatI can live with and what I,
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what I can't, becauseno one's perfect.
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I mean, I wasn't a perfect, um,spouse or a perfect person,
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either, and I didn't,um, I really just,
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I wasn't sure what to dowith the things that I saw
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that weren't right,
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but I think honesty is like acore foundational, uh, piece.
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If, if we have a questionabout a person's integrity
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or about their honesty,or if we catch them in a lie
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or something like that, thenwe really need to not brush--
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I would say that to any woman--don't brush that under the rug.
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Really have your radar up.
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If you get that feelinglike something's fishy,
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something's not right,follow through with that.
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Don't ignore that.
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Because if we are, if weare dealing with a person
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who's not honest, then we'regoing to have serious problems.
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-John: Now, if youdetect dishonesty
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before you walkdown the aisle?
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-Juliet: Run.
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-John: If you detect it afteryou walk down the aisle,
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what do we do then?
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-Juliet: Pray.
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[Laughs ruefully]It's--I experienced it.
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I experienced it, shortlyafter I walked down the aisle.
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Um, I was, I was able tocatch the person in the lie.
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And it was devastating.
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And I really didn'tknow what to do.
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I wanted to undowhat I had done,
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but remember the vowthat I made to myself:
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I'm never goingto get divorced.
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So what do I do?
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Well, then you kick into this"I can change this person.
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I can fix this person."
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Uh, and your prayers become allabout "God change this person,"
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and you forget that you'realso a broken person
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in need of a Savior.
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-John: You say the thingto do is to pray.
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-Juliet: Yes.
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-John: But I'm certainyou would advocate
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some other concrete steps.
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Who do you talk to?
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I know it will, I know it willdepend on what your spouse
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is involved in.
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-Juliet: What'sgoing on, of course.
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-John: But who are the typeof people you can turn to
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when you're in a marriageand you think to yourself,
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"Oh, my goodness, this isnot what I signed up for"?
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-Juliet: No, I would definitelyfind a trusted, um, friend,
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counselor.
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Um, I advocate for recoverygroups and a support system
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where, where wecan be transparent
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about what's really going on.
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I, I wish that I had been.
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If I had been honest andtransparent and listened
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to godly counsel, I might havemade some different decisions,
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but I just walled up andkept everything close to me.
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-John: How do you advisea young woman or a young man
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who is staring the rest ofhis or her life in the face
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and now realizing, uh-oh.
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How do they go about extricatingthemselves from that?
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-Juliet: Taking a breakfrom the intensity,
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the emotional intensityof what's going on,
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and sometimes if things arewrong, um, it's more intense.
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There will be pressure from aperson to make a quick decision:
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"Let's just do this."
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You know, that's when you needto raise your eyebrow and go,
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"Wait a second. We don'tneed to rush this thing."
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If it's really a solidthing and a good thing,
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it will still be there.
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But give yourselfa moment to breathe,
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to pray, to listento people you trust,
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and, um, and come back and say,
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"Is this, is this true?Or is this emotion I'm riding?"
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-John: In just a moment,when we come back,
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I wanna, I want to walk withyou through your experience,
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your experiencethat led to divorce,
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what went wrong, what mightyou have done better,
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and, uh, in doing so, yourstory's going to be a help
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and a blessing tomany other people.
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We'll be right backwith my conversation
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with Juliet Van Heerdenin just a moment.
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♪[Music]♪
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-Announcer: Modern life makesforming relationships hard.
00:09:51.047 --> 00:09:53.649
We crave a solidfamily life,
00:09:53.683 --> 00:09:55.217
but oftentimes don't knowhow to create it.
00:09:55.251 --> 00:09:57.720
This book can help.
00:09:57.753 --> 00:09:59.321
"Hope for Today's Families"
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walks you throughbuilding relationships,
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communicating effectively,and forming bonds for eternity.
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Get "Hope for Today's Families."
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Call800-253-3000
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or visit us online today atiiwoffer.com.
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Hope is just a call away:800-253-3000.
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♪[Soft piano music]♪
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-Man 1: What does the Bible sayabout astrology?
00:10:26.382 --> 00:10:28.784
-Man 2: Why do bad thingshappen to good people?
00:10:33.255 --> 00:10:36.525
-Girl: What color is Jesus?
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-John Bradshaw:If you have a question,
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we'd love to find an answer
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for you from the Bible.
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Line Upon Line
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from It Is Written TV.
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-John Bradshaw:Thanks for joining me today
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on It Is Written.
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I'm John Bradshaw, and my guestis public speaker, author,
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and teacherJuliet Van Heerden.
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Juliet, let's go back to--we, we spoke to the issues
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surrounding about, surroundingmarriages and mistakes
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and who to speak toand when and so on,
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but let's talk aboutyour experience.
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You walk down the aisle.You said "I do."
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You were the happiestgirl in the world.
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-Juliet Van Heerden:I was.
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And I, I thought that I wasdoing right because I did marry
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someone who was a Christian,and, um, who had promised
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to come to church,and we did pray together.
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So there were, there were a lotof things that were positive
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and right and good,
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and we had a relationshipthat I felt was real.
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And, um, then I started noticingthat things were not always
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what they seemed to be.
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-John: What did you noticethat really bothered you?
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-Juliet: I call him "John."
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It's not his real name,but we'll call him "John"
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because I want him to belike a real person,
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and, um, I'm definitelynot wanting to vilify him
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as a person.
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-John: Sure.
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-Juliet: He was, you know,a human being.
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But when, when moneywasn't accounted for,
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when, uh, things didn't add up,stories didn't add up.
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Uh, we startedgetting into debt.
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He would have unexplainedillness a lot of times.
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A lot of accidentswould happen to him.
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He worked in construction.
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And sometimes weird thingswould happen that, you know,
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the staple gun wentthrough the hand, or--
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[Laughs] you know, just,just too many accidents.
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-John: And what was it?
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-Juliet: It was cocaine.
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-John: Let me ask this first,
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and then I'll askfor your response.
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When did you realize youwere married to a drug addict?
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-Juliet: Yeah, it wasbasically kind of
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all around the same time.
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-John: Yeah.
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-Juliet: But he was so addictedby that time that he was,
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like it was kind of life ordeath at that point in time.
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And I had reachedout to someone,
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to a substance-abusecounselor, and they said,
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"Look, it's going to bethe cemetery or the rehab.
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Your choice."
00:13:03.439 --> 00:13:04.306
That's what they said to him.
00:13:04.340 --> 00:13:05.908
-John: What did he choose?
00:13:05.941 --> 00:13:07.042
-Juliet: He chose the rehab.
00:13:07.076 --> 00:13:08.043
-John: How did it go?
00:13:08.077 --> 00:13:09.211
-Juliet: I thoughtit went great.
00:13:09.245 --> 00:13:11.046
[Laughs]I thought it went great.
00:13:11.080 --> 00:13:13.749
He checked in for, for 28 days,and he did stay clean.
00:13:13.782 --> 00:13:18.020
-John: So things turned around?
00:13:18.053 --> 00:13:19.855
-Juliet: Mm-hm.
00:13:19.889 --> 00:13:20.522
-John: For how long?
00:13:20.556 --> 00:13:21.190
-Juliet: For a while.
00:13:21.223 --> 00:13:22.191
-John: Yeah?
00:13:22.224 --> 00:13:22.858
-Juliet: For a while. Um...
00:13:22.892 --> 00:13:24.460
-John: And how did you notice?
00:13:24.493 --> 00:13:25.427
-Juliet: I...
00:13:25.461 --> 00:13:26.362
-John: How did you noticethat things were
00:13:26.395 --> 00:13:27.529
no longer going well?
00:13:27.563 --> 00:13:28.330
-Juliet: Oh, man,I never knew.
00:13:28.364 --> 00:13:29.565
Like, it was, I never knew.
00:13:29.598 --> 00:13:30.566
Even those firstsix years of marriage,
00:13:30.599 --> 00:13:32.234
like, sometimes he was using,sometimes he wasn't;
00:13:32.268 --> 00:13:34.136
sometimes he was clean;sometimes he wasn't.
00:13:34.169 --> 00:13:35.771
I, I never knew where he was
00:13:35.804 --> 00:13:38.240
because I think he didn't wantto be the slave to this, either.
00:13:38.274 --> 00:13:41.543
-John: What would he belike when he relapsed?
00:13:41.577 --> 00:13:43.412
How would that affect himemotionally and physically?
00:13:43.445 --> 00:13:46.849
-Juliet: Well, oncehe got clean and sober,
00:13:46.882 --> 00:13:51.053
he was back to normal, andwe would just try to go on
00:13:51.086 --> 00:13:53.989
with life, you know, backto church, back to work,
00:13:54.023 --> 00:13:56.825
back to, you know, tried to havesome semblance of normalcy
00:13:56.859 --> 00:13:59.862
in our marriage.
00:13:59.895 --> 00:14:00.796
And, um, and thenwhen he would relapse,
00:14:00.829 --> 00:14:04.400
he would just disappear.
00:14:04.433 --> 00:14:05.401
He would disappear,sometimes for days,
00:14:05.434 --> 00:14:07.236
usually on a Fridaybecause that's payday,
00:14:07.269 --> 00:14:09.838
and, um, you know, come homewhen the money was gone.
00:14:09.872 --> 00:14:13.442
-John: You've saidyou like a project,
00:14:13.475 --> 00:14:14.777
and you liketo fix things.
00:14:14.810 --> 00:14:15.811
-Juliet: Yes.
00:14:15.844 --> 00:14:16.745
-John: So did you getabout fixing him?
00:14:16.779 --> 00:14:17.980
-Juliet: Yes.
00:14:18.013 --> 00:14:19.114
-John: Did you think, "Okay,we're gonna fix this"?
00:14:19.148 --> 00:14:20.582
How did youendeavor to fix it?
00:14:20.616 --> 00:14:21.984
-Juliet: So, I was afraidthat he was gonna die.
00:14:22.017 --> 00:14:23.986
I was afraid thathe was gonna OD.
00:14:24.019 --> 00:14:25.888
I was afraid thatsomeone would find out
00:14:25.921 --> 00:14:27.990
about our dirty family secret.
00:14:28.023 --> 00:14:29.825
And so I tried tocontrol everything.
00:14:29.858 --> 00:14:31.860
I, I tried to controlevery penny.
00:14:31.894 --> 00:14:34.029
You, you have your bosswrite the paycheck to me.
00:14:34.063 --> 00:14:36.865
I'm going to controlthe finances,
00:14:36.899 --> 00:14:39.001
and I'll give you anallowance, just what you need.
00:14:39.034 --> 00:14:41.704
But that was the waythat I coped.
00:14:41.737 --> 00:14:44.106
Um, crack down and control.
00:14:44.139 --> 00:14:45.841
Well, then you'renot a spouse;
00:14:45.874 --> 00:14:47.543
you're, you're amother, a bad one,
00:14:47.576 --> 00:14:50.045
[Laughs]you know.
00:14:50.079 --> 00:14:51.647
-John: And, and evidentlythat's not what you planned.
00:14:51.680 --> 00:14:54.416
-Juliet: No.
00:14:54.450 --> 00:14:55.284
-John: What was thatdoing to you?
00:14:55.317 --> 00:14:56.518
-Juliet: No.It was tearing me up.
00:14:56.552 --> 00:14:57.853
I was, I was sick.I had ulcers.
00:14:57.886 --> 00:15:00.189
I was, um, constantlystressed out.
00:15:00.222 --> 00:15:03.525
I was... The controllingthing just didn't work.
00:15:03.559 --> 00:15:08.530
But I couldn't stopbeing controlling.
00:15:08.564 --> 00:15:11.200
-John: How many people--I'mgetting ahead of myself here--
00:15:11.233 --> 00:15:14.136
how common is this in church?
00:15:14.169 --> 00:15:18.607
Not just in society--in church,for families to be dealing
00:15:18.640 --> 00:15:21.977
with someone who'sbattling addiction issues--
00:15:22.011 --> 00:15:24.913
how common?
00:15:24.947 --> 00:15:26.048
-Juliet: I would venture to sayevery family has someone
00:15:26.081 --> 00:15:31.553
that they love or care aboutwho's addicted to something,
00:15:31.587 --> 00:15:35.357
either chemical dependency,um, pornography.
00:15:35.391 --> 00:15:40.229
-John: As your husbandwas descending
00:15:40.262 --> 00:15:43.332
into self-destruction,
00:15:43.365 --> 00:15:45.534
and your marriage wasstarting to unravel,
00:15:45.567 --> 00:15:48.170
what was this doingto you spiritually?
00:15:48.203 --> 00:15:51.673
-Juliet: I was really havinga spiritual awakening.
00:15:51.707 --> 00:15:54.576
I was, I was learning totrust God and to love Him
00:15:54.610 --> 00:16:00.349
and to know that He loved me.
00:16:00.382 --> 00:16:01.917
I, it makes me just emotionaljust thinking about how God
00:16:01.950 --> 00:16:06.955
opened my eyesto His love for me.
00:16:06.989 --> 00:16:08.657
And I grew up knowingabout God's love,
00:16:08.690 --> 00:16:11.293
singing "Jesus loves me,this I know."
00:16:11.326 --> 00:16:14.296
I knew what God's Word said,
00:16:14.329 --> 00:16:16.465
but through that experienceI learned to trust Him.
00:16:16.498 --> 00:16:20.369
-John: See, I canimagine a person saying,
00:16:20.402 --> 00:16:22.671
"Spiritually I was devastated,
00:16:22.704 --> 00:16:24.139
and I felt like I wasa million miles from God,"
00:16:24.173 --> 00:16:26.208
and I know thathappens to people.
00:16:26.241 --> 00:16:27.543
It didn't happen to you.
00:16:27.576 --> 00:16:29.011
What was going onthat this experience
00:16:29.044 --> 00:16:31.113
drew you closer to God?
00:16:31.146 --> 00:16:33.549
This, I think is a,is a very key point
00:16:33.582 --> 00:16:36.151
because a lot of people end upadrift and without hope.
00:16:36.185 --> 00:16:39.388
-Juliet: Right.
00:16:39.421 --> 00:16:40.456
-John: What was it about youor your experience
00:16:40.489 --> 00:16:42.391
or your upbringingor your faith community
00:16:42.424 --> 00:16:44.693
that saw this experiencedraw you closer to God?
00:16:44.726 --> 00:16:49.031
What made the difference?
00:16:49.064 --> 00:16:50.399
-Juliet: You know, I shouldhave spoken with others,
00:16:50.432 --> 00:16:52.868
but I didn't.
00:16:52.901 --> 00:16:53.802
And so God waswho I talked to,
00:16:53.836 --> 00:16:55.871
and I talked to Him, likewhen I was driving to school,
00:16:55.904 --> 00:16:58.707
I would have to put myselftogether because to be able
00:16:58.740 --> 00:17:01.677
to smile and be sweetto first grade children,
00:17:01.710 --> 00:17:04.580
you know, you have to,
00:17:04.613 --> 00:17:05.747
you have to get it togetherbefore you get to school.
00:17:05.781 --> 00:17:07.850
And so that was my time
00:17:07.883 --> 00:17:09.051
where I would just pour myheart out to God as I'm driving.
00:17:09.084 --> 00:17:11.453
Like, "Lord, I, I've got work todo today. I need You to help me.
00:17:11.487 --> 00:17:14.990
[Voice quavers] Help mefocus on loving these kids."
00:17:15.023 --> 00:17:17.893
And He would do it.
00:17:17.926 --> 00:17:19.895
Like, I could just feel thepeace of God come over me,
00:17:19.928 --> 00:17:22.831
and I could do my work;I could do my job.
00:17:22.865 --> 00:17:24.967
I could, I could loveon the kids at school.
00:17:25.000 --> 00:17:28.103
And, and when I pouredmy heart out to the Lord,
00:17:28.137 --> 00:17:30.806
He came, and He wasvery real to me.
00:17:30.839 --> 00:17:35.310
-John: So where would yoube now, do you think,
00:17:35.344 --> 00:17:37.513
if you didn't haveGod to lean on?
00:17:37.546 --> 00:17:39.648
-Juliet: I would havedriven my car off a bridge
00:17:39.681 --> 00:17:42.017
or slit my wrists ordone something awful.
00:17:42.050 --> 00:17:44.987
-John: And somethingkept you from that?
00:17:45.020 --> 00:17:47.055
-Juliet: Yes.
00:17:47.089 --> 00:17:47.923
I didn't, I didn'twant to hurt Him.
00:17:47.956 --> 00:17:49.958
I didn't want to hurtmy friend God.
00:17:49.992 --> 00:17:52.728
And I believe thatyou're not ever alone.
00:17:52.761 --> 00:17:56.198
We are never alone.
00:17:56.231 --> 00:17:57.766
-John: We're going to talkabout that in just a moment.
00:17:57.799 --> 00:17:59.635
He's always there,and He's always for you.
00:17:59.668 --> 00:18:03.906
More of my conversationwith Juliet Van Heerden
00:18:03.939 --> 00:18:06.608
in just a moment.
00:18:06.642 --> 00:18:08.010
♪[Music]♪
00:18:08.043 --> 00:18:14.983
-John: Thank youfor remembering
00:18:16.952 --> 00:18:17.986
that It Is Written exists
00:18:18.020 --> 00:18:19.521
because of the kindnessof people just like you.
00:18:19.555 --> 00:18:22.324
To support this internationallife-changing ministry,
00:18:22.357 --> 00:18:25.561
please call us now at800-253-3000.
00:18:25.594 --> 00:18:29.831
You can send yourtax-deductible gift
00:18:29.865 --> 00:18:31.300
to the addresson your screen,
00:18:31.333 --> 00:18:32.768
or you can visit us online atitiswritten.com.
00:18:32.801 --> 00:18:36.605
Thank you for your prayersand for your financial support.
00:18:36.638 --> 00:18:39.441
Our number again is800-253-3000,
00:18:39.474 --> 00:18:43.445
or you can visit us online atitiswritten.com.
00:18:43.478 --> 00:18:46.815
-John Bradshaw:Thanks for joining me today
00:18:47.849 --> 00:18:49.651
on It Is Written.
00:18:49.685 --> 00:18:51.186
My guest, Juliet Van Heerden, issharing her story of addiction,
00:18:51.220 --> 00:18:55.457
codependency, recovery,
00:18:55.490 --> 00:18:58.026
and the miracle of God'srestoration in her life.
00:18:58.060 --> 00:19:01.263
Okay. Your husbandis drug-addicted.
00:19:01.296 --> 00:19:04.967
He's lying; he's sick;he's in and out of rehab;
00:19:05.000 --> 00:19:08.604
your home has been robbed.
00:19:08.637 --> 00:19:11.707
You were divorced.
00:19:11.740 --> 00:19:13.342
How'd that happen?
00:19:13.375 --> 00:19:14.343
How did you finallyget to the point,
00:19:14.376 --> 00:19:16.078
or how did circumstancesbring you to the place
00:19:16.111 --> 00:19:18.180
where this is over andit's not getting better?
00:19:18.213 --> 00:19:20.849
-Juliet Van Heerden: Um, well,"John" just said to me,
00:19:20.882 --> 00:19:23.085
"I am tired of livingthe double life.
00:19:23.118 --> 00:19:25.687
I don't want to be the Christianhusband that you want me to be.
00:19:25.721 --> 00:19:30.726
I want to drink what I want,smoke what I want,
00:19:30.759 --> 00:19:36.064
watch what I want,snort what I want."
00:19:36.098 --> 00:19:39.635
And I was able to walkaway feeling relieved.
00:19:39.668 --> 00:19:46.008
-John: I wanted toask you about that.
00:19:46.041 --> 00:19:48.377
When he says, "I'm done."
00:19:48.410 --> 00:19:49.845
-Juliet: Mm-hm.
00:19:49.878 --> 00:19:50.712
-John: Was there painby that stage?
00:19:50.746 --> 00:19:52.848
You said "relief."
00:19:52.881 --> 00:19:54.650
So, it wasn't as painfulas if he'd said that
00:19:54.683 --> 00:19:59.021
a number of years earlier?
00:19:59.054 --> 00:20:00.422
-Juliet: I just felt likeI had done my absolute best
00:20:00.455 --> 00:20:04.293
and given it everythingthat I could possibly do,
00:20:04.326 --> 00:20:07.095
but a person is free tomake their own choices.
00:20:07.129 --> 00:20:10.165
-John: Offer a word ofencouragement to somebody
00:20:10.198 --> 00:20:12.067
who might be in the situationthat you were in then,
00:20:12.100 --> 00:20:14.136
and they feel like, "If I don'thang in here to the grim death,
00:20:14.169 --> 00:20:17.806
then somehow I've let God down."
00:20:17.839 --> 00:20:19.374
How do you know, how do youknow when you've done your best,
00:20:19.408 --> 00:20:22.477
and it's time to let go?
00:20:22.511 --> 00:20:23.979
-Juliet: Well, I think, I thinkthe Lord lets us know.
00:20:24.012 --> 00:20:27.316
And sometimes we hang on...
00:20:27.349 --> 00:20:29.851
beyond the point whereGod has released us.
00:20:29.885 --> 00:20:34.022
And God--it is not God'sdesire for anyone to be
00:20:34.056 --> 00:20:38.026
in an abusive situation.
00:20:38.060 --> 00:20:40.195
And I had a very difficult timeusing the word "abuse"
00:20:40.228 --> 00:20:43.398
to describe, um, my marriage.
00:20:43.432 --> 00:20:47.302
But, as I look back, I can sayI was in an abusive marriage.
00:20:47.336 --> 00:20:52.641
I was being financially abused.
00:20:52.674 --> 00:20:54.509
I was being emotionallyneglected, verbally abused.
00:20:54.543 --> 00:20:59.948
And, and so, as I look at that,I know that's not God's will,
00:20:59.981 --> 00:21:03.819
and that, and that'snot God's plan for us.
00:21:03.852 --> 00:21:05.987
We need to be safe.
00:21:06.021 --> 00:21:07.723
And sometimes God makesprovision for, for people.
00:21:07.756 --> 00:21:12.394
Um, He says He hates divorce.
00:21:12.427 --> 00:21:14.596
Yes, He does because it'spainful and devastating.
00:21:14.629 --> 00:21:18.233
But there is provision.
00:21:18.266 --> 00:21:19.801
There are, there are timeswhen it's a relief.
00:21:19.835 --> 00:21:23.839
-John: Back up a few years.
00:21:23.872 --> 00:21:24.840
-Juliet: Yes.
00:21:24.873 --> 00:21:25.841
-John: You were worriedthat someone might learn
00:21:25.874 --> 00:21:26.708
your dirty little secret.
00:21:26.742 --> 00:21:27.709
Now, years later--
00:21:27.743 --> 00:21:29.010
-Juliet: Yes.
00:21:29.044 --> 00:21:30.212
-John: ...the secret's out,and yet people embraced you.
00:21:30.245 --> 00:21:32.114
-Juliet: They embraced me,and they loved me.
00:21:32.147 --> 00:21:33.982
And they loved "John"through it, too.
00:21:34.015 --> 00:21:35.617
I mean, once we started sharing,
00:21:35.650 --> 00:21:37.686
we found that people embracedus and loved us through it.
00:21:37.719 --> 00:21:41.556
And it was beautifulto just be like,
00:21:41.590 --> 00:21:44.926
oh, I don't have to carry thisburden of a secret anymore.
00:21:44.960 --> 00:21:49.598
So, I, I would encouragepeople: Please share.
00:21:49.631 --> 00:21:53.335
Find a safe place andshare with somebody.
00:21:53.368 --> 00:21:55.437
Don't hold it.
00:21:55.470 --> 00:21:56.671
-John: Along the way,you wrote a book.
00:21:56.705 --> 00:21:58.340
-Juliet: Yes.
00:21:58.373 --> 00:21:59.174
-John: "Same Dress,Different Day."
00:21:59.207 --> 00:22:00.642
-Juliet: Yes.
00:22:00.675 --> 00:22:01.476
-John: Why did youwrite the book?
00:22:01.510 --> 00:22:03.345
-Juliet: Believe me,I didn't want to.
00:22:03.378 --> 00:22:05.280
Um, for, for doingpublic speaking now
00:22:05.313 --> 00:22:08.984
and for being a teacher,I'm actually an introvert,
00:22:09.017 --> 00:22:12.220
and I'm a very private person.
00:22:12.254 --> 00:22:14.289
And that's why I kept my mouthclosed for so long about things.
00:22:14.322 --> 00:22:17.692
I did not wantto write this book.
00:22:17.726 --> 00:22:19.494
I am a writer.I love to write.
00:22:19.528 --> 00:22:21.930
But I was, you know, journalingand writing for myself,
00:22:21.963 --> 00:22:25.434
never thinking I would tellmy story to other people.
00:22:25.467 --> 00:22:28.537
But the Holy Spirit justkept on me about this,
00:22:28.570 --> 00:22:31.072
that, that you needto share this story
00:22:31.106 --> 00:22:33.308
because it will bringhope to others.
00:22:33.341 --> 00:22:35.210
And as a pastor's wife,I started hearing the stories
00:22:35.243 --> 00:22:38.180
of people in churchwho were suffering,
00:22:38.213 --> 00:22:39.915
families that are sufferingwith the same kind of problems
00:22:39.948 --> 00:22:42.717
that I experienced.
00:22:42.751 --> 00:22:44.252
And I really had so muchcompassion for them,
00:22:44.286 --> 00:22:46.488
and, and a few peoplesaid to me,
00:22:46.521 --> 00:22:48.023
"You need to share your story.You need to write your story.
00:22:48.056 --> 00:22:50.492
You need to write your story."
00:22:50.525 --> 00:22:51.626
And I kept putting it off.
00:22:51.660 --> 00:22:53.128
And I knew it would be difficultbecause I was happy;
00:22:53.161 --> 00:22:56.298
I was living thehappily ever after.
00:22:56.331 --> 00:22:57.766
Who wants to go back andthink about that stuff?
00:22:57.799 --> 00:22:59.768
And in order to write well, youneed to relive it in your mind.
00:22:59.801 --> 00:23:04.573
But, um, Andre, my husband,he gave me permission to do it.
00:23:04.606 --> 00:23:08.910
He set me--it was verygracious of him as a man--
00:23:08.944 --> 00:23:12.447
he gave me permission to goback and to relive that pain
00:23:12.481 --> 00:23:15.917
and to write about "John"and to, um, to share my story.
00:23:15.951 --> 00:23:20.755
And it took me about threeyears from start to finish,
00:23:20.789 --> 00:23:25.193
um, because it was hard.
00:23:25.227 --> 00:23:27.028
I would write a bit, andthen I'd take a long break.
00:23:27.062 --> 00:23:30.465
But it was published in 2015,
00:23:30.499 --> 00:23:33.168
and the responsesfrom readers has been...
00:23:33.201 --> 00:23:36.671
[Voice quavers]It hurts me so much to hear
00:23:36.705 --> 00:23:38.840
what they have to say.
00:23:38.874 --> 00:23:39.908
They say to me,"You're telling my story."
00:23:39.941 --> 00:23:43.144
-John: Give some advice tothat, that woman especially--
00:23:43.178 --> 00:23:47.048
doesn't have to be a woman--
00:23:47.082 --> 00:23:48.016
-Juliet: Mm-hm.
00:23:48.049 --> 00:23:49.150
-John: ...who's in arelationship that's just
00:23:49.184 --> 00:23:50.919
spiraling downwards.
00:23:50.952 --> 00:23:52.254
Nothing he or shecan do about it.
00:23:52.287 --> 00:23:54.222
There's addictions,or whatever the case is.
00:23:54.256 --> 00:23:57.659
Where should they go?
00:23:57.692 --> 00:23:58.660
-Juliet: No, and,and Dr. Larry Crabb says,
00:23:58.693 --> 00:24:00.929
"Healing takes placein community."
00:24:00.962 --> 00:24:02.831
So we need to find a communityof people where we feel safe,
00:24:02.864 --> 00:24:07.102
and who--where we're notalone in our suffering;
00:24:07.135 --> 00:24:09.137
our suffering is,sorrow is divided.
00:24:09.170 --> 00:24:11.673
Um, and I would, I wouldsuggest finding a local, um,
00:24:11.706 --> 00:24:15.477
Christ-centered recovery, um,group, recovery community.
00:24:15.510 --> 00:24:19.481
Al-Anon is a wonderful resource.
00:24:19.514 --> 00:24:22.083
Um, find a group that meetsregularly for codependents.
00:24:22.117 --> 00:24:25.820
There's Codependents Anonymouswhere, uh, those--
00:24:25.854 --> 00:24:28.723
that's those of us who,who get caught in the cycle
00:24:28.757 --> 00:24:31.459
of rescuing that loved one.
00:24:31.493 --> 00:24:33.028
Um, not everyone canafford counseling,
00:24:33.061 --> 00:24:35.864
professional counseling.
00:24:35.897 --> 00:24:36.965
It's a wonderfulresource, if you can.
00:24:36.998 --> 00:24:39.301
But if you can't, there arepeople, um, who meet regularly
00:24:39.334 --> 00:24:43.338
and talk and share and, um.
00:24:43.371 --> 00:24:46.041
And be a reader. Um,learn about addiction.
00:24:46.074 --> 00:24:49.144
Learn about boundaries.Learn about codependency.
00:24:49.177 --> 00:24:52.213
Find out, um, about yourselfand what you can do,
00:24:52.247 --> 00:24:57.519
and then find a safe place whereyou can share and grow and heal.
00:24:57.552 --> 00:25:02.791
There is hope.
00:25:02.824 --> 00:25:04.159
♪[Music]♪
00:25:04.192 --> 00:25:12.067
-Announcer: Modern life makesforming relationships hard.
00:25:13.068 --> 00:25:15.837
We crave a solidfamily life,
00:25:15.870 --> 00:25:17.172
but oftentimes don't knowhow to create it.
00:25:17.205 --> 00:25:19.874
This book can help.
00:25:19.908 --> 00:25:21.343
"Hope for Today's Families"
00:25:21.376 --> 00:25:22.644
walks you throughbuilding relationships,
00:25:22.677 --> 00:25:24.312
communicating effectively,and forming bonds for eternity.
00:25:24.346 --> 00:25:27.616
Get "Hope for Today's Families."
00:25:27.649 --> 00:25:29.317
It's free.
00:25:29.351 --> 00:25:30.385
Call800-253-3000
00:25:30.418 --> 00:25:33.822
or visit us online today atiiwoffer.com.
00:25:33.855 --> 00:25:37.959
Hope is just a call away:800-253-3000.
00:25:37.993 --> 00:25:42.530
-John Bradshaw:Juliet, let's pray together.
00:25:43.531 --> 00:25:45.000
Let's pray.
00:25:45.033 --> 00:25:46.501
Our Father in heaven,
00:25:46.534 --> 00:25:47.502
we are grateful that Youare the God who gives.
00:25:47.535 --> 00:25:50.071
You don't take away.
00:25:50.105 --> 00:25:51.206
You give.
00:25:51.239 --> 00:25:51.873
You restore.You remake.
00:25:51.906 --> 00:25:54.309
Thank You that Youare never done with us,
00:25:54.342 --> 00:25:56.911
that You always love us.
00:25:56.945 --> 00:25:58.513
You don't turn from us,even when we turn from You.
00:25:58.546 --> 00:26:02.250
Our Father, I want to prayright now for that woman,
00:26:02.283 --> 00:26:05.987
that man, that young person,
00:26:06.021 --> 00:26:08.490
who is struggling as lifecrashes down around them,
00:26:08.523 --> 00:26:12.627
and allow that the challengesof this life would only turn us
00:26:12.661 --> 00:26:16.564
in Your direction,
00:26:16.598 --> 00:26:17.799
to embrace You, and neverto turn us away from You.
00:26:17.832 --> 00:26:22.804
Lord, we thank You,and we love You,
00:26:22.837 --> 00:26:25.874
and we pray inJesus' name, amen.
00:26:25.907 --> 00:26:30.045
Thanks so muchfor joining me.
00:26:30.078 --> 00:26:31.413
I'm looking forward toseeing you again next time.
00:26:31.446 --> 00:26:33.882
Until then, remember:
00:26:33.915 --> 00:26:35.850
"It is written, 'Man shallnot live by bread alone,
00:26:35.884 --> 00:26:40.155
but by every word that proceedsfrom the mouth of God.'"
00:26:40.188 --> 00:26:45.026
♪[Theme music]♪
00:26:45.060 --> 00:27:15.690

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