Happily Ever After | Better Together | TBN

Happily Ever After | Better Together

Watch Happily Ever After | Better Together
November 15, 2019
27:46

Can you find joy and peace with your spouse through all life stages? Let's talk how to create your own “happily ever after”! | TBN Prayer Line: 1-888-731-1000

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Happily Ever After | Better Together

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  • - Devotion, dedication and commitment.
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  • Today we're talking about how to live happily ever after.
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  • Come on and join us.
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  • (upbeat music)
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  • - You know, for us, I think we had been married
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  • probably about 30 years, maybe a little bit longer,
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  • and something inside of me really changed.
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  • And I didn't realize that there was a lot of tolerating
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  • that I had done.
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  • And I think probably one of the things that
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  • maybe male and female,
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  • that you think you're gonna go into marriage
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  • and whatever is not right, you'll fix it.
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  • And obviously that does not work.
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  • And so, at one point,
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  • for me, I went from tolerating
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  • to really accepting the fact that we were different.
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  • And when I came to that place,
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  • I was able to celebrate him more.
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  • And Phil says,
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  • "You either learn to accept that we were different
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  • "or we bore each other out,
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  • "or we actually have gained wisdom throughout the years."
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  • And I'm in the happiest season of my life
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  • because I don't have that expectation.
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  • I really accept and I thank God
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  • that he is different than I am.
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  • You know, he loves to talk to people all day long.
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  • And I love people but after a while
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  • I need my quiet space to pass.
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  • - The side of things that wear you out.
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  • - The what?
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  • - The people side of things.
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  • - Oh yeah.
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  • You know, I hear about it now and it's like,
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  • because I don't want it to ever come across
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  • that I don't love people,
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  • I really do love people.
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  • I'm more introverted and he was more extroverted
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  • and I didn't get that,
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  • but I accept and I really celebrate,
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  • I'm so grateful for that now.
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  • And as I look into the next season
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  • and I say I wanna grow old together
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  • and just really,
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  • I know you better, I love you more than ever before
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  • and my happily ever after's just waking up in bed
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  • or strolling through the park with him
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  • or walking on the beach
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  • and just being at ease.
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  • I'm at ease with him, you know?
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  • I'm not worried about trying to do anything.
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  • I'm at ease with him.
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  • And I think most days he's at ease with me.
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  • - If you could just feel this way in your 20s.
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  • You've got 34 years behind this and if you would just
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  • let the little things go.
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  • Learn early that you're different,
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  • that you're gonna think differently.
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  • And just make it, make it somehow okay
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  • that we think differently,
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  • but we're gonna get there,
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  • but we're gonna maybe go two different ways
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  • but let's compromise that.
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  • - Terry and I's differences
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  • have shaped and impacted us for the better
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  • and one way that I specifically can think of
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  • and that is courage.
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  • I think that I am not that courageous by myself.
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  • I'm sure there are people that would disagree with me
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  • because I've been on some journeys
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  • that are pretty treacherous.
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  • But I never wanted to leave Kalamazoo by myself.
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  • I had dreams of going to other places
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  • and I just was always that kind of person
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  • that wanted somebody to go with me, you know?
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  • And my husband's tenacity,
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  • his perseverance, his favor and his faith,
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  • even in the face of repeated, repeated,
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  • repeated disappointments, repeated rejections,
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  • inspires me.
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  • Because I'm always Miss like, I'm gonna pray about it
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  • and the Lord will open the door and if He don't
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  • open the door, well, it's not meant to be.
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  • Okay, I'm gonna go this way.
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  • I'm very much like, I'm not trying to pound down any doors.
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  • But there are some places in life
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  • that you absolutely must not give up.
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  • - So as someone soon to get married,
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  • I wanna gleam from your wisdom.
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  • What would you advise me in getting through the seasons?
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  • What are the seasons of marriage
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  • and how do you get through them?
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  • - Yeah, what are the four seasons of marriage?
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  • (laughing)
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  • - I recently returned from my family sabbatical
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  • so it's our vacation.
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  • Three weeks.
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  • And I had a chance to read several books.
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  • And one of them was His Needs, Her Needs.
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  • And the second one was Four Seasons of Marriage.
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  • I think Chapman was the one who wrote that book.
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  • And just where spring, things are blooming.
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  • Things that have been planted,
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  • either in fall and winter,
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  • now they're coming into bloom.
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  • So that's the fun season.
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  • - It smells so good.
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  • - Yes, we love it and summer is where the heat is there,
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  • little difficulty but you're still enjoying
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  • the rhythm of marriage.
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  • Good times, good days.
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  • But when it comes into fall,
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  • when things begin to die,
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  • things that have been planted maybe for a season,
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  • all of a sudden either trial or tribulation,
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  • then things begin to wither.
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  • And if we're not careful we'll slip into winter
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  • where either things that have been harbored
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  • in the fall will, you know, go into this coldness
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  • and sometimes it's bitterness.
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  • And if I could give you one thing
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  • it would be this.
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  • It's like phrasing our words well.
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  • I think in my, in our marriage,
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  • when we started off,
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  • it's, he didn't have a great example,
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  • I didn't have a great example,
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  • and so we determined to have something different
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  • for our lives and for our children to see a real marriage,
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  • not a pretend marriage, not a marriage
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  • that is behind closed doors and then lived out
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  • another way in front of our children.
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  • I wanted our children to have a sense of okay,
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  • yeah, there's gonna be raised voices,
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  • there's going to be, you know,
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  • like some tough situations,
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  • but this is how normal people are.
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  • It's not this glass house that we're living
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  • and it looks picture perfect.
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  • And so for me, the big takeaway was,
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  • when I studied my husband,
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  • after 21 years of marriage,
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  • I'm learning about him that he is
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  • not only a visionary,
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  • but he's very sensitive.
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  • Sensitive to words.
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  • And even though that is his love tank,
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  • that's what I fill him with,
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  • but at the same time, words can be a detriment to him.
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  • Things, if I don't like him or if I'm upset
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  • or if I'm--
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  • - Did it take you a long time to learn that?
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  • - Yes.
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  • And with every marriage you begin to learn that,
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  • you know, your husband's non-negotiables
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  • in his own world, what makes him, him.
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  • - So the difference is now,
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  • there are just some things that he needs to sit down
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  • and let me take care of now.
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  • And we have just made it a fact that when we're
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  • at a counter, you go sit down
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  • and I'll deal with the people.
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  • And then there's business meetings
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  • that I need to step out and let him take over.
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  • So you learn these things.
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  • You learn your gifts and your callings
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  • and sometimes that's just, you know what,
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  • this is my time to talk and just let me have this.
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  • I've got this.
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  • I got this for you, I'm covering you.
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  • You just go get a coffee.
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  • And I think you just learn that stuff about each other
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  • and you've got each other's backs
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  • and you're not gonna,
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  • you don't wanna mess each other up at all.
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  • And just cover each other.
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  • That's what marriage is.
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  • That's your safe spot,
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  • your safety net is your husband.
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  • Your safety net is your wife.
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  • Just to cover each other and to be strong for each other
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  • and be strong together.
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  • - I studied him and I started to see that
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  • he is very sensitive and if he's sensitive,
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  • I have to be aware of that.
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  • Phrase things in a different way.
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  • Don't hurt him.
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  • You know, don't be critical.
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  • And if I am, you know, posting a complaint
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  • or bringing an issue,
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  • I have to be mindful of how I say it to him
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  • in the right places at the right time.
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  • - Very, very crucial, the way we say it--
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  • - Yeah.
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  • - And the way we feel and sometimes
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  • the way we would want someone to speak to us,
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  • we assume that we can be that way with other people.
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  • But that is not the case.
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  • You can accomplish what you need to say,
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  • but you have to understand that person
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  • that's in front of you,
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  • how can they best receive it?
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  • And when you've figured that out,
  • 00:09:01.060 --> 00:09:04.060
  • it makes it easier, I think, to work through
  • 00:09:04.060 --> 00:09:06.280
  • difficult and opposing opinions about things.
  • 00:09:08.040 --> 00:09:12.090
  • And so that becomes a very, very important issue.
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  • - Yeah.
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  • Especially in conversation.
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  • When he's, you know, doing risky things
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  • like he's a risk taker,
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  • and so I'm here, you know, counting all the little things.
  • 00:09:24.270 --> 00:09:29.110
  • Dotting all the I's, crossing all the T's
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  • and making sure that everything's in the loop.
  • 00:09:31.150 --> 00:09:34.110
  • And so you know, if I come in second guessing him,
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  • it's like already that communicates to him,
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  • you don't trust me.
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  • And I'm like no, I trust you,
  • 00:09:41.250 --> 00:09:43.270
  • it's just I wanna make sure we count the costs.
  • 00:09:43.270 --> 00:09:46.260
  • But for him, he's a risk taker,
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  • so he needs to feel my support.
  • 00:09:49.050 --> 00:09:51.100
  • So it's things like that that I'm beginning to know
  • 00:09:51.100 --> 00:09:54.220
  • and in His Needs and Her Needs book,
  • 00:09:54.220 --> 00:09:56.290
  • great book, and all the things that we talked about
  • 00:09:56.290 --> 00:10:00.290
  • in other conversations where you spoke about,
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  • you know, criticism, stonewalling,
  • 00:10:04.030 --> 00:10:07.050
  • those things happen and they cycle through the marriage
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  • but getting better at those things, you know,
  • 00:10:10.070 --> 00:10:12.150
  • like not stonewalling, communicating well,
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  • not being critical.
  • 00:10:16.140 --> 00:10:17.210
  • - Right, you know, all those things
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  • that the Bible says not to do.
  • 00:10:19.010 --> 00:10:20.080
  • You know, as the sun goes down--
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  • - Simple things.
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  • - I've done that so many times.
  • 00:10:23.090 --> 00:10:25.030
  • But it just leaves the door open for more chaos.
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  • or strife and offense and all that.
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  • I wish I would have been better at that
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  • in my younger years and,
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  • 'cause I knew scripture.
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  • Laying there thinking about it.
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  • I'm going the sun's down and I'm still really, really hot.
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  • (laughing)
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  • And I probably will be tomorrow night, too,
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  • because I'm stonewalling.
  • 00:10:49.180 --> 00:10:51.030
  • And if I could just take all that back.
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  • - Letting the sun go down without wrath has been
  • 00:10:58.260 --> 00:11:01.230
  • very difficult over the years.
  • 00:11:01.230 --> 00:11:04.190
  • When you've been married a long time, though,
  • 00:11:04.190 --> 00:11:06.110
  • you realize, you know what, it'll be okay.
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  • And you go to bed, you wake up,
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  • and most times you don't even remember anymore.
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  • Or you remember, but it's like what was the big deal
  • 00:11:14.170 --> 00:11:16.150
  • about all that?
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  • I got worked up about nothing.
  • 00:11:17.130 --> 00:11:19.080
  • And so in the early years,
  • 00:11:19.080 --> 00:11:21.080
  • it was more about a pride thing.
  • 00:11:21.080 --> 00:11:22.230
  • It was hard.
  • 00:11:22.230 --> 00:11:24.000
  • You wanted to wake up the next morning
  • 00:11:24.000 --> 00:11:25.230
  • and still be upset.
  • 00:11:25.230 --> 00:11:27.130
  • But you find over a process of time
  • 00:11:27.130 --> 00:11:30.090
  • that it doesn't really work in your behalf
  • 00:11:30.090 --> 00:11:33.050
  • to stay mad at somebody for long.
  • 00:11:33.050 --> 00:11:36.070
  • - Sounds like we're learning to be selfless.
  • 00:11:36.070 --> 00:11:37.220
  • - Oh yeah. - And not only that,
  • 00:11:37.220 --> 00:11:39.160
  • it's like if kids come into play,
  • 00:11:39.160 --> 00:11:42.160
  • in your world, I learned that,
  • 00:11:42.160 --> 00:11:45.180
  • still pay attention to him even though
  • 00:11:45.180 --> 00:11:48.040
  • my kid's half my focus.
  • 00:11:48.040 --> 00:11:50.280
  • But paying attention to like how I look, how I feel,
  • 00:11:50.280 --> 00:11:55.270
  • because most of the time I was feeling miserable.
  • 00:11:57.040 --> 00:11:58.100
  • I didn't feel like, attractive.
  • 00:11:58.100 --> 00:12:00.110
  • I felt, you know, I had my chubby moments.
  • 00:12:00.110 --> 00:12:03.000
  • But even through all of that,
  • 00:12:03.000 --> 00:12:04.200
  • he still loved me through seasons of where
  • 00:12:04.200 --> 00:12:08.130
  • I was packing on weight or to where I was moody
  • 00:12:08.130 --> 00:12:11.080
  • to you know, I was like crying.
  • 00:12:11.080 --> 00:12:13.140
  • I was like I don't know, I just watched a Lifetime Movie,
  • 00:12:13.140 --> 00:12:16.100
  • I'm a hot mess right now.
  • 00:12:16.100 --> 00:12:18.030
  • But it's like, you know, you'll change
  • 00:12:18.030 --> 00:12:21.010
  • in the process of the marriage,
  • 00:12:21.010 --> 00:12:22.130
  • you'll go through seasons.
  • 00:12:22.130 --> 00:12:24.130
  • But still paying attention to him,
  • 00:12:24.130 --> 00:12:26.080
  • you know, seeing that he's still in the room.
  • 00:12:26.080 --> 00:12:28.190
  • He still loves you.
  • 00:12:28.190 --> 00:12:29.170
  • - Yeah, that's your advice.
  • 00:12:29.170 --> 00:12:31.120
  • - Putting on the negligee, yes, I'll go there.
  • 00:12:31.120 --> 00:12:33.000
  • (laughing)
  • 00:12:33.000 --> 00:12:33.280
  • Finding nice things to wear,
  • 00:12:33.280 --> 00:12:35.150
  • making myself attractive.
  • 00:12:35.150 --> 00:12:37.030
  • Still keeping true to myself as an individual.
  • 00:12:37.030 --> 00:12:40.010
  • - We want you to join the conversation.
  • 00:12:41.250 --> 00:12:44.170
  • - Connect with us on social media
  • 00:12:44.170 --> 00:12:46.230
  • and let's get Better Together.
  • 00:12:46.230 --> 00:12:48.190
  • - This is kind of a silly story.
  • 00:12:50.130 --> 00:12:52.180
  • But a few years ago I was buying a card
  • 00:12:52.180 --> 00:12:57.140
  • and trying to find an expression for my feelings
  • 00:12:57.140 --> 00:13:00.180
  • about the way I felt.
  • 00:13:00.180 --> 00:13:01.250
  • I don't remember if it was Father's Day or,
  • 00:13:01.250 --> 00:13:03.260
  • no, it wasn't Father's Day, I know that.
  • 00:13:03.260 --> 00:13:05.280
  • But it was either his birthday or some special occasion,
  • 00:13:05.280 --> 00:13:08.270
  • Valentine's, whatever.
  • 00:13:08.270 --> 00:13:10.120
  • So I'm in the card store and I'm trying to find a card
  • 00:13:10.120 --> 00:13:12.220
  • just to express my heart,
  • 00:13:12.220 --> 00:13:14.080
  • because I do think words are important.
  • 00:13:14.080 --> 00:13:16.030
  • And I'd gone through and I couldn't find anything
  • 00:13:16.030 --> 00:13:18.270
  • that just, that just did it for me.
  • 00:13:18.270 --> 00:13:21.160
  • And I started looking at cards and I came across
  • 00:13:21.160 --> 00:13:24.130
  • a card and I thought,
  • 00:13:24.130 --> 00:13:25.280
  • this is not definitely the way I'd say it,
  • 00:13:25.280 --> 00:13:28.170
  • but this is the way Phil would love for me to say it.
  • 00:13:28.170 --> 00:13:31.110
  • (laughing)
  • 00:13:31.110 --> 00:13:32.180
  • And I thought I'm gonna get this card.
  • 00:13:32.180 --> 00:13:35.040
  • And I thought this is not my expression,
  • 00:13:35.040 --> 00:13:37.210
  • it would express my heart,
  • 00:13:37.210 --> 00:13:38.250
  • but I would say it differently.
  • 00:13:38.250 --> 00:13:40.130
  • And I got that card and I'm telling you,
  • 00:13:40.130 --> 00:13:43.120
  • it was the best card in all the years of marriage.
  • 00:13:43.120 --> 00:13:47.160
  • He went on and on about it
  • 00:13:47.160 --> 00:13:49.130
  • and I learned something right there.
  • 00:13:49.130 --> 00:13:51.080
  • This is talking about the happily ever after,
  • 00:13:51.080 --> 00:13:53.110
  • is find words to express yourself
  • 00:13:53.110 --> 00:13:57.030
  • that are words that he would use.
  • 00:13:57.030 --> 00:13:59.150
  • That makes him feel valued.
  • 00:13:59.150 --> 00:14:02.270
  • Again, that goes back to understanding that other person.
  • 00:14:02.270 --> 00:14:06.110
  • And for me, that worked.
  • 00:14:06.110 --> 00:14:08.070
  • I can write in what I wanna say on the side,
  • 00:14:08.070 --> 00:14:12.070
  • but I buy cards that will make him feel good
  • 00:14:12.070 --> 00:14:17.070
  • and the way he would want me to express myself to him.
  • 00:14:18.200 --> 00:14:20.050
  • And it works for us.
  • 00:14:20.050 --> 00:14:21.080
  • Maybe it is, but for us it does.
  • 00:14:21.080 --> 00:14:23.280
  • - My secret to making marriage work,
  • 00:14:23.280 --> 00:14:25.280
  • give them what they want.
  • 00:14:28.230 --> 00:14:30.240
  • You know?
  • 00:14:30.240 --> 00:14:31.190
  • The art of negotiation is that
  • 00:14:33.050 --> 00:14:36.250
  • you both lay your cards on the table
  • 00:14:36.250 --> 00:14:39.250
  • and you figure out how to get a win-win.
  • 00:14:39.250 --> 00:14:42.290
  • How do I get what I want and give you what you want?
  • 00:14:42.290 --> 00:14:46.010
  • I really think it's as basic as that.
  • 00:14:47.060 --> 00:14:49.160
  • I mean we can talk about prayer,
  • 00:14:49.160 --> 00:14:51.250
  • we can talk about reading our Bibles together.
  • 00:14:51.250 --> 00:14:54.140
  • Do that.
  • 00:14:54.140 --> 00:14:55.250
  • But the key to getting along is reading each other's needs.
  • 00:14:57.080 --> 00:15:00.180
  • And not just seeking out how to get your own needs met.
  • 00:15:03.030 --> 00:15:05.250
  • If we can find a way to be unselfish enough to each other,
  • 00:15:07.060 --> 00:15:11.250
  • that I'm giving out and you're giving out
  • 00:15:11.250 --> 00:15:14.070
  • and we're giving, giving, giving on both sides,
  • 00:15:14.070 --> 00:15:18.060
  • I think you'll be happy.
  • 00:15:18.060 --> 00:15:19.240
  • My husband grew up in the Church of God in Christ.
  • 00:15:19.240 --> 00:15:22.140
  • So they weren't allowed to go to secular concerts.
  • 00:15:22.140 --> 00:15:24.280
  • They weren't allowed to dance,
  • 00:15:24.280 --> 00:15:26.080
  • they weren't allowed to watch,
  • 00:15:26.080 --> 00:15:28.060
  • go to the movies was a sin.
  • 00:15:28.060 --> 00:15:29.240
  • - Right.
  • 00:15:29.240 --> 00:15:31.060
  • - Yeah, which is like everything he does now, right?
  • 00:15:31.060 --> 00:15:33.230
  • It's like everything I do today
  • 00:15:33.230 --> 00:15:35.010
  • is a rebellion against my church.
  • 00:15:35.010 --> 00:15:36.270
  • (laughing)
  • 00:15:36.270 --> 00:15:38.140
  • And one year for Christmas,
  • 00:15:38.140 --> 00:15:40.060
  • he always, we would have this,
  • 00:15:40.060 --> 00:15:43.040
  • because I grew up with music.
  • 00:15:43.040 --> 00:15:44.070
  • My parents are musicians.
  • 00:15:44.070 --> 00:15:45.190
  • I'd hear a song on the radio and go ooh, you remember that?
  • 00:15:47.030 --> 00:15:49.190
  • And he'd be like no I don't.
  • 00:15:49.190 --> 00:15:50.230
  • - Oh. - And he loves music.
  • 00:15:50.230 --> 00:15:53.140
  • It would make me sad.
  • 00:15:53.140 --> 00:15:55.190
  • So I saw that House of Blues was having a show
  • 00:15:55.190 --> 00:15:59.140
  • with this group called War,
  • 00:15:59.140 --> 00:16:01.120
  • it was music I loved growing up.
  • 00:16:01.120 --> 00:16:03.160
  • And Terry really loved some of their songs
  • 00:16:03.160 --> 00:16:05.120
  • because they had been sampled in rap music.
  • 00:16:05.120 --> 00:16:08.190
  • I said yeah, that's that group War from the 70s.
  • 00:16:08.190 --> 00:16:11.240
  • He didn't know who they were.
  • 00:16:11.240 --> 00:16:13.100
  • - Wow.
  • 00:16:13.100 --> 00:16:14.240
  • - So I bought him a ticket to go see War live by himself
  • 00:16:14.240 --> 00:16:18.290
  • because I couldn't afford two tickets.
  • 00:16:18.290 --> 00:16:21.070
  • And he went to the House of Blues by himself
  • 00:16:21.070 --> 00:16:23.260
  • and watched their whole concert.
  • 00:16:23.260 --> 00:16:25.130
  • And he came--
  • 00:16:25.130 --> 00:16:26.200
  • - You're a sweet wife.
  • 00:16:26.200 --> 00:16:27.200
  • - He came home
  • 00:16:27.200 --> 00:16:29.030
  • and he was like honey, that was such a great gift.
  • 00:16:29.030 --> 00:16:30.170
  • - Aww!
  • 00:16:30.170 --> 00:16:31.250
  • - Like, you know, making up for his
  • 00:16:31.250 --> 00:16:32.260
  • things he didn't get to do.
  • 00:16:32.260 --> 00:16:33.280
  • - I love that.
  • 00:16:33.280 --> 00:16:35.070
  • - Which that was lovely,
  • 00:16:35.070 --> 00:16:36.130
  • that was like, what would touch him.
  • 00:16:36.130 --> 00:16:39.240
  • You know?
  • 00:16:39.240 --> 00:16:41.000
  • - And that's being focused on him
  • 00:16:41.000 --> 00:16:44.110
  • and not on ourselves.
  • 00:16:44.110 --> 00:16:46.100
  • Which is a huge thing in marriage.
  • 00:16:46.100 --> 00:16:49.020
  • And it's not just about me and making me happy,
  • 00:16:49.020 --> 00:16:51.220
  • it's what can I do for you?
  • 00:16:51.220 --> 00:16:53.180
  • - Because I think a lot of people enter marriage
  • 00:16:53.180 --> 00:16:55.030
  • thinking well, he's going to make me happy.
  • 00:16:55.030 --> 00:16:57.090
  • And then they--
  • 00:16:57.090 --> 00:16:58.200
  • - He's gonna be my cruise director.
  • 00:16:58.200 --> 00:17:00.100
  • He's gonna fill my days.
  • 00:17:00.100 --> 00:17:02.000
  • - Yes, that sounds like the key is
  • 00:17:02.000 --> 00:17:03.240
  • to focus on how can I love him.
  • 00:17:03.240 --> 00:17:06.130
  • It's important that we recognize,
  • 00:17:06.130 --> 00:17:08.120
  • that we grow together in marriage.
  • 00:17:08.120 --> 00:17:11.060
  • That often the person that we marry,
  • 00:17:11.060 --> 00:17:14.100
  • that we say I do to on our wedding day,
  • 00:17:14.100 --> 00:17:17.030
  • looks different in years to come
  • 00:17:17.030 --> 00:17:19.140
  • and that's not necessarily a bad thing.
  • 00:17:19.140 --> 00:17:21.200
  • That's a beautiful thing.
  • 00:17:21.200 --> 00:17:22.270
  • Because we've got two people growing together
  • 00:17:22.270 --> 00:17:25.280
  • in God and also learning that
  • 00:17:25.280 --> 00:17:29.210
  • it's not our responsibility to change our spouse.
  • 00:17:29.210 --> 00:17:33.230
  • I think with prayer
  • 00:17:33.230 --> 00:17:35.020
  • and allowing the Holy Spirit to do a work,
  • 00:17:36.070 --> 00:17:40.000
  • not only on our spouse but in ourselves,
  • 00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:42.240
  • we can see God just work miracles within marriage
  • 00:17:42.240 --> 00:17:47.130
  • and so it's been so great to hear the stories
  • 00:17:47.130 --> 00:17:50.200
  • of the other women and just hear their wisdom
  • 00:17:50.200 --> 00:17:55.030
  • and how we can grow in love and be selfless
  • 00:17:55.030 --> 00:17:59.160
  • within marriage and really seek to know our husband
  • 00:17:59.160 --> 00:18:03.220
  • and seek to find out how does he like to be loved
  • 00:18:03.220 --> 00:18:08.110
  • and to speak his love language
  • 00:18:09.130 --> 00:18:12.200
  • to make sure that he's feeling loved
  • 00:18:12.200 --> 00:18:14.270
  • and that may look different to how
  • 00:18:14.270 --> 00:18:16.270
  • I like to feel loved.
  • 00:18:16.270 --> 00:18:18.100
  • - I was very slightly cynical.
  • 00:18:18.100 --> 00:18:20.170
  • - Right.
  • 00:18:20.170 --> 00:18:21.230
  • - And a little bit tough when I got married.
  • 00:18:21.230 --> 00:18:23.260
  • So I went into it like with my sleeves rolled up
  • 00:18:23.260 --> 00:18:26.060
  • knowing that I would probably make a lot of sacrifices.
  • 00:18:26.060 --> 00:18:30.230
  • And that I would,
  • 00:18:30.230 --> 00:18:31.280
  • I didn't get into what about me
  • 00:18:31.280 --> 00:18:34.040
  • until after the fifth baby.
  • 00:18:34.040 --> 00:18:36.090
  • - Wow.
  • 00:18:36.090 --> 00:18:37.070
  • - And I was like, you know what.
  • 00:18:37.070 --> 00:18:38.190
  • - What about me?
  • 00:18:38.190 --> 00:18:39.250
  • (laughing)
  • 00:18:39.250 --> 00:18:41.010
  • - It's been all about your dream
  • 00:18:41.010 --> 00:18:41.260
  • and all about your life,
  • 00:18:41.260 --> 00:18:42.250
  • and I'm a little,
  • 00:18:42.250 --> 00:18:45.070
  • I'm ready to get off the ship.
  • 00:18:45.070 --> 00:18:46.210
  • (laughing)
  • 00:18:46.210 --> 00:18:48.250
  • So I can't say I had that problem,
  • 00:18:48.250 --> 00:18:51.150
  • but I definitely expected my husband to be just like me.
  • 00:18:51.150 --> 00:18:56.150
  • Like, like you say, like your girlfriend.
  • 00:18:57.200 --> 00:18:59.290
  • You think you're gonna marry your girlfriend.
  • 00:18:59.290 --> 00:19:02.010
  • He didn't wanna talk about all the little stuff.
  • 00:19:02.010 --> 00:19:04.290
  • He didn't wanna hear my Bible dissertation
  • 00:19:06.190 --> 00:19:08.270
  • on the Book of Exodus.
  • 00:19:08.270 --> 00:19:12.070
  • He didn't share my interests in certain areas.
  • 00:19:12.070 --> 00:19:16.090
  • And I listened to him dutifully
  • 00:19:16.090 --> 00:19:19.160
  • but he didn't listen to me.
  • 00:19:19.160 --> 00:19:21.190
  • So I, you know, of course down the road
  • 00:19:21.190 --> 00:19:23.210
  • that can breed resentment.
  • 00:19:23.210 --> 00:19:25.090
  • But I was so sure that if I loved him
  • 00:19:25.090 --> 00:19:28.090
  • the way Jesus told me to love him,
  • 00:19:28.090 --> 00:19:30.090
  • eventually it would come back.
  • 00:19:30.090 --> 00:19:32.280
  • But that also is a little bit of a trap.
  • 00:19:32.280 --> 00:19:35.250
  • Right?
  • 00:19:35.250 --> 00:19:37.020
  • Because in winter, you're manipulating
  • 00:19:37.020 --> 00:19:39.050
  • or you're trying to control.
  • 00:19:39.050 --> 00:19:41.290
  • And so after a while, I remember making this vow to myself.
  • 00:19:41.290 --> 00:19:45.290
  • Well, when he comes in here
  • 00:19:45.290 --> 00:19:47.130
  • and wants to start yapping about his day,
  • 00:19:47.130 --> 00:19:48.260
  • I'm gonna politely tell him
  • 00:19:48.260 --> 00:19:50.020
  • that I have something else to do.
  • 00:19:50.020 --> 00:19:51.210
  • Because I felt unequal.
  • 00:19:51.210 --> 00:19:55.070
  • And so one day he says,
  • 00:19:55.070 --> 00:19:57.250
  • well, what happened?
  • 00:19:57.250 --> 00:20:00.270
  • I've noticed that you seem distant.
  • 00:20:00.270 --> 00:20:03.060
  • And I let him have it.
  • 00:20:03.060 --> 00:20:04.120
  • I said you know, because you come in everyday
  • 00:20:04.120 --> 00:20:06.130
  • and you talk about your day,
  • 00:20:06.130 --> 00:20:08.060
  • but you don't ask me about my day.
  • 00:20:08.060 --> 00:20:10.090
  • And when I do talk about my day you don't listen.
  • 00:20:10.090 --> 00:20:13.050
  • You're looking at the paper or you know,
  • 00:20:13.050 --> 00:20:16.010
  • you don't engage.
  • 00:20:16.010 --> 00:20:17.210
  • And I don't wanna be in this one sided,
  • 00:20:17.210 --> 00:20:21.100
  • you know, I'm like your mom.
  • 00:20:21.100 --> 00:20:22.230
  • I'm like, cheering you on and I'm listening
  • 00:20:22.230 --> 00:20:24.200
  • to all your problems, but I need that, too.
  • 00:20:24.200 --> 00:20:27.140
  • And that was the first time that it'd even dawned on him
  • 00:20:27.140 --> 00:20:32.110
  • that he wasn't giving me something that I needed
  • 00:20:32.110 --> 00:20:35.190
  • but he knew he needed.
  • 00:20:35.190 --> 00:20:37.110
  • And so now he's like how was your day?
  • 00:20:37.110 --> 00:20:40.060
  • (laughing)
  • 00:20:40.060 --> 00:20:42.140
  • You know, I say you really gonna listen?
  • 00:20:42.140 --> 00:20:44.130
  • (laughing)
  • 00:20:44.130 --> 00:20:45.260
  • - When our kids were young,
  • 00:20:45.260 --> 00:20:48.010
  • our kids were fairly close together,
  • 00:20:48.010 --> 00:20:49.280
  • the first two were 14 months apart.
  • 00:20:49.280 --> 00:20:52.030
  • We waited five years and had the next one.
  • 00:20:52.030 --> 00:20:54.090
  • And we were pioneering a hunting trip.
  • 00:20:54.090 --> 00:20:57.280
  • It was very, very difficult.
  • 00:20:59.140 --> 00:21:00.230
  • But one of the things that Phil and I did was,
  • 00:21:00.230 --> 00:21:04.060
  • even though we didn't have a lot of resources,
  • 00:21:04.060 --> 00:21:06.010
  • we found time, he would sometimes take the kids
  • 00:21:06.010 --> 00:21:10.160
  • for me like on a Friday night,
  • 00:21:10.160 --> 00:21:12.230
  • he would watch the kids and we'd find
  • 00:21:12.230 --> 00:21:15.120
  • an inexpensive hotel in the area that was nice
  • 00:21:15.120 --> 00:21:19.110
  • and he would send me away to spend the night.
  • 00:21:19.110 --> 00:21:21.210
  • Now he'd bring the kids up and they'd swim in the pool
  • 00:21:21.210 --> 00:21:23.290
  • that night but then they would go home
  • 00:21:23.290 --> 00:21:25.220
  • and I would get the night to myself.
  • 00:21:25.220 --> 00:21:27.280
  • And he would do things like that for me.
  • 00:21:27.280 --> 00:21:29.260
  • And then vice versa.
  • 00:21:29.260 --> 00:21:31.080
  • So we really had to work at it
  • 00:21:31.080 --> 00:21:32.290
  • because life comes at you,
  • 00:21:32.290 --> 00:21:34.220
  • sometimes you can't get away from your kids.
  • 00:21:34.220 --> 00:21:36.290
  • They're a part of, they're just a part of the factor.
  • 00:21:36.290 --> 00:21:39.260
  • So you look for little things.
  • 00:21:39.260 --> 00:21:42.010
  • You send the wife to go get a massage
  • 00:21:42.010 --> 00:21:44.170
  • or just to go and get a cup of coffee by herself.
  • 00:21:44.170 --> 00:21:47.250
  • We did those things and that helped us.
  • 00:21:47.250 --> 00:21:50.190
  • - That's what makes the legacy of love.
  • 00:21:50.190 --> 00:21:53.060
  • A gift that your children, your five children,
  • 00:21:53.060 --> 00:21:56.180
  • will see.
  • 00:21:56.180 --> 00:21:57.260
  • Not only the hardships, how you came through,
  • 00:21:57.260 --> 00:22:00.080
  • how now you're different people,
  • 00:22:00.080 --> 00:22:02.090
  • but that you're loving each other well.
  • 00:22:02.090 --> 00:22:04.060
  • And so I can, like for my children,
  • 00:22:04.060 --> 00:22:06.250
  • my daughters, they can fall back on those stories
  • 00:22:06.250 --> 00:22:10.170
  • and the legacy of love through some strong relationships
  • 00:22:10.170 --> 00:22:15.000
  • within our family fabric.
  • 00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:16.190
  • His extended family, his grandparents,
  • 00:22:16.190 --> 00:22:19.210
  • which are their great grandparents,
  • 00:22:19.210 --> 00:22:21.100
  • to their grandparents, and now us.
  • 00:22:21.100 --> 00:22:23.200
  • Like, they have, you know, a length of days,
  • 00:22:23.200 --> 00:22:27.130
  • tried and true wisdom,
  • 00:22:27.130 --> 00:22:30.060
  • people that they can look to
  • 00:22:30.060 --> 00:22:31.240
  • and all of us have that, you know,
  • 00:22:31.240 --> 00:22:34.150
  • either a great grandmother, grandmother,
  • 00:22:34.150 --> 00:22:36.010
  • stories sitting by them,
  • 00:22:36.010 --> 00:22:38.050
  • hearing some of the way they talk to us
  • 00:22:38.050 --> 00:22:41.270
  • when we were growing up.
  • 00:22:41.270 --> 00:22:43.200
  • And so I appreciate that my children have that,
  • 00:22:43.200 --> 00:22:46.230
  • they have that history, that legacy,
  • 00:22:46.230 --> 00:22:49.240
  • of what the length of days when it comes to marriage.
  • 00:22:49.240 --> 00:22:53.020
  • Somewhere down the road, they stop holding grudges.
  • 00:22:53.020 --> 00:22:57.060
  • Somewhere down the road, you know,
  • 00:22:57.060 --> 00:22:59.110
  • the things that used to be a big deal
  • 00:22:59.110 --> 00:23:01.010
  • won't be a big deal.
  • 00:23:01.010 --> 00:23:02.150
  • The companionship, being each other's friend,
  • 00:23:02.150 --> 00:23:07.150
  • you know, partner in crime,
  • 00:23:08.110 --> 00:23:09.260
  • going out for dates, going on walks,
  • 00:23:09.260 --> 00:23:13.170
  • you know, when they start doing things together,
  • 00:23:13.170 --> 00:23:15.240
  • that's when you start seeing that
  • 00:23:15.240 --> 00:23:17.200
  • the aged love begins to kick in.
  • 00:23:17.200 --> 00:23:20.070
  • So for me, always having those examples around me,
  • 00:23:20.070 --> 00:23:23.230
  • that's what I aim for.
  • 00:23:23.230 --> 00:23:25.190
  • It's how to study my husband
  • 00:23:25.190 --> 00:23:29.100
  • and be the best kind of wife and not try to change him.
  • 00:23:29.100 --> 00:23:33.060
  • - And I love how the Bible just talks, you know,
  • 00:23:33.060 --> 00:23:35.090
  • all the epistles and the apostles
  • 00:23:35.090 --> 00:23:38.040
  • talk about growing in grace.
  • 00:23:38.040 --> 00:23:40.080
  • And I pray that you grow in grace.
  • 00:23:40.080 --> 00:23:43.140
  • That's what we do every single day
  • 00:23:43.140 --> 00:23:46.060
  • is just let God grow us in His grace.
  • 00:23:46.060 --> 00:23:50.010
  • I think that if we ever believe that we receive
  • 00:23:50.010 --> 00:23:53.220
  • anything from God, you know, in our prayer time,
  • 00:23:53.220 --> 00:23:56.140
  • we can have all these Holy Ghost women,
  • 00:23:56.140 --> 00:23:59.200
  • the first person that's going to receive from that
  • 00:23:59.200 --> 00:24:02.120
  • is your husband.
  • 00:24:02.120 --> 00:24:03.290
  • That overflow of what God is giving you
  • 00:24:03.290 --> 00:24:06.210
  • is gonna be your spouse.
  • 00:24:06.210 --> 00:24:08.070
  • It's gonna flow down through your children,
  • 00:24:08.070 --> 00:24:09.270
  • through your family.
  • 00:24:09.270 --> 00:24:10.260
  • And that's priceless.
  • 00:24:10.260 --> 00:24:13.060
  • That's worth fighting for everyday to stay together,
  • 00:24:13.060 --> 00:24:17.290
  • to be together, to understand each other,
  • 00:24:17.290 --> 00:24:20.000
  • that you grow in understanding,
  • 00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:21.240
  • that you grow in grace,
  • 00:24:21.240 --> 00:24:23.200
  • and through every season, we can do all things.
  • 00:24:23.200 --> 00:24:27.170
  • All seasons.
  • 00:24:27.170 --> 00:24:28.150
  • - I think, also, too, Laurie,
  • 00:24:28.150 --> 00:24:30.100
  • is we learn to adapt ourselves.
  • 00:24:30.100 --> 00:24:33.110
  • And it's different in different seasons.
  • 00:24:33.110 --> 00:24:35.180
  • That one of the highest compliments,
  • 00:24:35.180 --> 00:24:39.130
  • we kind of laugh and tease about,
  • 00:24:39.130 --> 00:24:41.070
  • Phil says to me or says to others about me,
  • 00:24:41.070 --> 00:24:44.010
  • says I've been married to about seven different women.
  • 00:24:44.010 --> 00:24:47.220
  • (laughing)
  • 00:24:47.220 --> 00:24:48.170
  • Their name is Jeannie.
  • 00:24:48.170 --> 00:24:49.280
  • (laughing)
  • 00:24:49.280 --> 00:24:51.060
  • Which says I've adapted to change.
  • 00:24:51.060 --> 00:24:54.200
  • I haven't lost myself.
  • 00:24:54.200 --> 00:24:56.070
  • I'm still feisty,
  • 00:24:56.070 --> 00:24:57.130
  • I still have a very strong opinion.
  • 00:24:57.130 --> 00:24:59.210
  • But we adapt to one another
  • 00:24:59.210 --> 00:25:01.280
  • and by adapting, we have grace for one another.
  • 00:25:01.280 --> 00:25:04.060
  • And that works.
  • 00:25:04.060 --> 00:25:05.200
  • It really does work.
  • 00:25:05.200 --> 00:25:07.120
  • It's not always easy, but it works, you know.
  • 00:25:07.120 --> 00:25:10.160
  • And we really are happy campers.
  • 00:25:10.160 --> 00:25:13.070
  • - Matt would say he was married to one to 30.
  • 00:25:13.070 --> 00:25:17.010
  • (laughing)
  • 00:25:17.010 --> 00:25:18.210
  • Wake up to someone everyday.
  • 00:25:18.210 --> 00:25:20.000
  • That was back, a while back.
  • 00:25:20.000 --> 00:25:22.010
  • (laughing)
  • 00:25:22.010 --> 00:25:23.280
  • - I believe the key in my marriage
  • 00:25:23.280 --> 00:25:27.050
  • is to be easy, be flexible.
  • 00:25:27.050 --> 00:25:30.010
  • And I've learned that over the years
  • 00:25:30.010 --> 00:25:33.010
  • so I'm gonna pray that for you today.
  • 00:25:33.010 --> 00:25:35.070
  • Father, I thank you for every individual
  • 00:25:35.070 --> 00:25:37.200
  • that is watching today that you would give them
  • 00:25:37.200 --> 00:25:41.030
  • the spirit of ease, easy like Sunday morning.
  • 00:25:41.030 --> 00:25:44.140
  • And that they will be blessed and favored.
  • 00:25:44.140 --> 00:25:46.250
  • Wouldn't take so much to heart,
  • 00:25:46.250 --> 00:25:48.190
  • but they would understand you've got this God.
  • 00:25:48.190 --> 00:25:51.040
  • And they're gonna be good.
  • 00:25:51.040 --> 00:25:52.130
  • - [Narrator] You can call the number on your screen
  • 00:25:53.270 --> 00:25:55.090
  • right now to talk to a prayer partner.
  • 00:25:55.090 --> 00:25:57.140
  • We're here for you 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
  • 00:25:57.140 --> 00:26:01.050
  • We love you, but most importantly, Jesus loves you.
  • 00:26:01.050 --> 00:26:04.060
  • - So one night I came into the studio,
  • 00:26:05.270 --> 00:26:08.110
  • and I noticed that the studio was just full of people.
  • 00:26:08.110 --> 00:26:11.070
  • Grandpa was there and all the staff
  • 00:26:11.070 --> 00:26:13.280
  • and everybody was in there,
  • 00:26:13.280 --> 00:26:15.000
  • Paul and Jan were hosting.
  • 00:26:15.000 --> 00:26:16.090
  • They were gonna call Matt up for a minute
  • 00:26:16.090 --> 00:26:18.160
  • to read some letters from real videos
  • 00:26:18.160 --> 00:26:20.190
  • 'cause he had started doing this program
  • 00:26:20.190 --> 00:26:22.280
  • a couple months before.
  • 00:26:22.280 --> 00:26:24.070
  • And so in a few minutes he said, honey,
  • 00:26:24.070 --> 00:26:27.180
  • he said could you grab some letters
  • 00:26:27.180 --> 00:26:29.010
  • and bring them over here.
  • 00:26:29.010 --> 00:26:30.010
  • And so I did.
  • 00:26:30.010 --> 00:26:31.230
  • And when I handed it to him he said come sit down.
  • 00:26:31.230 --> 00:26:34.150
  • So I sat down in the middle of him and Mom and Dad
  • 00:26:34.150 --> 00:26:36.190
  • on our studio right here in Studio C.
  • 00:26:36.190 --> 00:26:39.030
  • And he said before you read that,
  • 00:26:39.030 --> 00:26:42.050
  • he said I'd like to ask you a question.
  • 00:26:42.050 --> 00:26:44.070
  • And he asked me right there live on the air.
  • 00:26:44.070 --> 00:26:46.050
  • - This isn't joking, either, I'm not,
  • 00:26:46.050 --> 00:26:48.060
  • this is like, a surprise and everything.
  • 00:26:48.060 --> 00:26:51.010
  • - My heart is just,
  • 00:26:51.010 --> 00:26:52.070
  • I'm gonna pass out right here.
  • 00:26:53.290 --> 00:26:56.030
  • - [Man] Well what was the answer?
  • 00:26:56.030 --> 00:26:57.230
  • - Yes.
  • 00:26:59.250 --> 00:27:01.010
  • (applauding)
  • 00:27:01.010 --> 00:27:04.070
  • So I had to say yes.
  • 00:27:04.070 --> 00:27:05.190
  • (laughing)
  • 00:27:07.050 --> 00:27:08.000
  • I'm so glad I did.
  • 00:27:08.000 --> 00:27:09.070
  • - [Narrator] Do you want more Better Together?
  • 00:27:10.120 --> 00:27:11.280
  • Download the TBN app to stream
  • 00:27:11.280 --> 00:27:13.220
  • all of our latest conversations.
  • 00:27:13.220 --> 00:27:15.220
  • (upbeat music)
  • 00:27:15.220 --> 00:27:18.090
  • Here's what's coming up next on Better Together.
  • 00:27:19.150 --> 00:27:22.160
  • - Our power and our joy
  • 00:27:22.160 --> 00:27:25.160
  • and the way we access God,
  • 00:27:25.160 --> 00:27:26.270
  • I think gratitude is both,
  • 00:27:26.270 --> 00:27:28.240
  • I think it's both fruit and fuel.
  • 00:27:28.240 --> 00:27:31.130
  • I think it fuels us in our faith
  • 00:27:31.130 --> 00:27:34.140
  • and I think it's also fruit of our faith.
  • 00:27:34.140 --> 00:27:38.060
  • - [Narrator] Watch Better Together weekdays
  • 00:27:38.060 --> 00:27:39.280
  • and Tuesday nights only on TBN.
  • 00:27:39.280 --> 00:27:42.160